James Faraci The Last Of The Americans: Shia LaBeouf

Showing posts with label Shia LaBeouf. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Top Five "Good" Shia LaBeouf performances.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony, James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his Office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and…. (James Opens the Door to his office to the hallway outside) IT’S THE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY! (The Camera pans back to see the entire team with party streamers, Confetti before cutting to a fireworks and Ode To Joy play in the background before cutting to James and everyone in the hallway)

TLOTA: And guess what, It’s our first full original content for our new bosses at Manic Expression! So, this time we’ll let our audience choose the movie we should review. Should we… (Cut to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie currently in theaters as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): A) Recreate a movie while doing a review! (Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): B) Do a review of a movie everyone likes and I could recommend watching. (Less Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): C) Do a review of a movie no one likes and I like. (Even less Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Or D) Something involving Shia LaBeouf! (Wild applause and clapping is heard before cutting to James as he looks through the video library)

TLOTA: I knew you would make me do something featuring him. Now to pick out one that features Shia that doesn’t involve Crystal Skulls or Transformers so… (James scats silently until he finds what he’s looking for and Nick shouts FORE off screen and several DVD cover falls out of the library and James picks them up)

TLOTA: Okay so there are a few choices for me to chose from. So we're going to check out these five out and we'll see which one we can find the one we can get the most review material for. (James hits play on the remote on the DVD player before cutting to black and the words "Five Movies Later" appear on-screen before cutting to everyone being carted off to the funny farm save for James.)

TLOTA: See you guys next month! So Yeah! I didn't think that they could handle five movies featuring Shia LaBeouf but after watching so many of his movies, who knew I'd find of all things five movies where he'd shine as a star?! (Cut to clips of Shia LaBeouf movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's not to say I'll ever fully like EVERYTHING in the movies he's in or say he's a good actor. The truth still remains he as an actor is HORRENDOUS! But if history is any indicator he'll be in the straight to DVD Z-Grade movies in a few years. (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: So it is with that in mind and I PRAY for forgiveness from the Cinema gods on this one with the Top 5 "Good" performances of... Just play the intro, I can't physically say it (Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the words The Top Five Good Performances of Shia LaBeouf before it fades away and the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five

5) Bobby

TLOTA (Voiceover): In this bio-pic of Bobby Kennedy Shia plays a character named Cooper who while on an acid trip was trying to assist Bobby Kennedy before his assassination in the Ambassador Hotel. While Critics ravaged the movie. I personally found the movie more engaging and more entertaining than Oliver Stone's JFK movie ever could be. Emilio Estevez shows he has the ability to make an awesome movie and in turn make Shia an actor. Who knew that was possible? But he was able to put out a good performance in a better movie that JFK. A good start to a good set of performances in this countdown.

(Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Holes

TLOTA (Voiceover): His first big project since Even Stevens ended. Shia plays Stanley Yelnats the fourth cursed with bad luck he's falsely arrested for stealing sneakers meant to be sold to charity and sentenced to a summer detention camp where they make the prisoners dig holes and anything they find gets them a day off. In the meanwhile Stanley befriends the ancestor of the person who cursed his entire family generations ago and through the course of the movie Shia's performance stands out in what could've been just another kiddie movie into one of Disney's good live action movies but that's not saying much. Most of Disney's Live Action Movies are hit or miss depending on which movies you like.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) The Company You Keep

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shia plays a young reporter who discovers a well respected lawyer in Albany played by Robert Redford and the further Shia goes into the subject the further he sees how dark his subject's past is involving murder and domestic terrorism and believe it or not Shia LaBeouf can do something I never thought possible he underplayed his role and it worked towards Shia's performance. Not hurting the performance is the fact is Robert Redford produced and directed this movie so Shia probably had to straighten up and fly right and when he did that, Shia actually performed less like what we knew him for and actually found himself giving a decent performance.

(The sound of a brick hitting glass is heard before cutting to James physically as he looks out the window and the thought "PANTS TO BE DARKENED" is coming to his mind before turning to the audience)

TLOTA: And now I need to take a break because I think I hear an angry mob of my fellow Internet Reviewers...(The audio of Asalieri screaming "STRING HIM UP BY HIS PO-POS AND WHACK HIM LIKE A PINATA!" is heard) Okay I stand corrected it IS an angry mob of my fellow Internet Reviewers ready to put me out to pasture!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James shouts off screen "Alright I promise! Now please Disperse! Put away the Pitchforks, Torches, Shotguns and every other weapon you have!" before James returns his office)

TLOTA: Okay, now that I have avoided an internet lynching and public bobitizing let's get back to work!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two

2) "Just Do It"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, this internet video of him ranting and raving about doing something, ANYTHING you want to is actually as far as I'm concerned is one of his better performances. He tries to sound try to hardcore but dude the guy is funny. Possibly better than his daytime Emmy award winning award winning role of Louis Stevens. He went so far off the rails he actually got me a smile is actually worthy of being worthy of being good enough to be put on this list so give a watch and (Shia shouts "JUST DO IT!" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, Fine! Let's get to...

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Number one "Good" performance of Shia LaBeouf is...

1) The Greatest Game Ever Played

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shia LaBeouf plays Francis Ouimet the first amateur golfer to win the U.S. Open in 1913 and he had to face it while everyone looked at him as trash for not being a rich person to play. You see Golf was different back in 1913 and how do I know this? I had help guess who watched this movie with me?!

(Cut to Nick and Rebecca Yaun talking about Golf and the facts about Francis Ouimet as James nods and writes down the notes from the movie and then Nick and Rebecca adding more notes before James' seat in the couch collapses and the couch folds in on itself and launching Nick towards the back room and Rebecca towards the front door and all three say "Ow!" before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What surprised me was that Shia actually put that manic energy instead of acting like a over hyper active four year old partly due to the late Bill Paxton directing this one. I guess he was able to connect to Shia and made him able to focus on putting a good performance and it shows! He actually connected to audiences and critics. He did so good even I'll admit he put out a Good enough of a performance to make it the Number one "Good" Performance of Shia LaBeouf's career. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And those are the only Good performances of Shia LaBeouf and after four years I think I've tapped the Shia LaBeouf well dry and I think that might be a good thing! (Cut to past clips of James talking about Shia LaBeouf as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Because honestly while I'll never believe he can earn an academy award for his acting. Talking about what has now been considered a dead horse for a while can be grueling and believe it or not I don't hate the guy personally his movies can be a chore to get through and while I hope he eventually does learn how to fully act, I'm not gonna hold my breath as I move forward in my career. But for now, Shia whatever you do in your life PLEASE do it well enough that it doesn't involve Hollywood for a while anyways. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! (Cut to James as he's working on the next review as Rebecca Yaun knocks on his door.)

TLOTA: It's open Rebecca! (Cut to Rebecca as she opens the door and sits down in front of James.)

Rebecca Yaun: How did you know it was me?

TLOTA: Well you, Olivia and Brenda are the only ones who knock. Listen, I've been hearing from a couple of others that you might be well no other way of saying it Jealous of Felicia.

Rebecca Yaun: I'm not jealous of her. I'm worried for you. The first time you were in a relationship it didn't end well, the second time, Heck every relationship ended for you in heartbreak! I just didn't want it to happen to you again. Now you obsess over her, that letter behind you and I am afraid for you.

TLOTA: Rebecca, I have parents and siblings who are disapproving of me and Felicia. The last thing I need are my friends acting the same.

Rebecca Yaun: But what exactly do you know about her? Nothing... AT ALL! You don't even know her last name, how old she is, who she is as a person, anything. For all you know she could be someone. James, all I'm asking is you take it slow, please! (Rebecca starts to walk away and James looks at the letter.)

TLOTA: She's had dreams. (Rebecca turns around)

Rebecca Yaun: Of What?

TLOTA: Water, Mermaids, and an Island.

Rebecca Yaun: And you're thinking it's a sign. You are thinking Felicia is her.

TLOTA: I honestly don't know if it is her or not. Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it's not but I'm gonna play this one close to the chest. I have to, I'm getting on in years. You're married to Nick, Paulo is married to Brenda. The others... I try not to pry to far into everyone's lives but when I ask how are things with them, I mean well and I honestly do want to know what's going on with them but I try not to be too intrusive and try to keep out of their affairs unless they ask for my help. Otherwise, you know how I am.

Rebecca Yaun: And that's why I truly hope the best for you but I really am going to suggest you listen to us. We don't want to see you get hurt and when you get hurt, you dive into your work to numb the pain and when that happens everyone suffers. Please promise me that if it doesn't work out you'll find something else to fill in the time and we'll still do this and we keep it fun.

TLOTA: Okay, I promise. (James and Rebecca shake hands then hug on it and Rebecca walks out again.) Rebecca... (Rebecca turns around again) Thanks for looking out for me.

Rebecca Yaun: No problem. (Rebecca closes the door behind her as James goes back to work before James turns off the next review and James opens the picture of Felicia as the two are happy after going out for a dinner date at James' home as the two enjoy dinner and James has an inquisitive look on his face.)

TLOTA: ORAC, how long would it take before you could figure out if Felicia is her?

ORAC (Audio only): The exact time would be incalculable.

TLOTA: Well the second you do find out contact me. Even if I'm in the middle of a review.

ORAC (Audio only): Wouldn't it be considered bad etiquette to do so?

TLOTA: I'll check it out during the break. Otherwise start working on it. (James looks as the letter and Emmalina's amulet reacts to the photo of Felicia .) Who are you Felicia?

Monday, June 13, 2016

The Top Ten Good Things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Movies

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James on the couch in the Lobby)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it's my third anniversary! (Cut to a firework display as the words "The Last Of The Americans' Third Anniversary" is shown over it and "Ode To Joy" is heard in the background before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as you can tell from the end of Last month's review the only person celebrating is... me! Yeah, Kinda sucks! (Eliza coughs off screen before cutting to her in the backroom doorway)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me but what am I? Fricking Chopped Liver? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No, but you're working on my last nerve with this whole "Trying to find out the secret behind the legend of James Faraci" when really, there's nothing to me! But you are not as bad as what I have to deal with. (Cut to scenes from the first three Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover): When it was announced that "Transformers" was hitting the Big Screen in a live action adaptation in 2006, I thought it would be interesting then came the news that A) Michael Bay was directing and B) Shia LaBeouf would be starring in them and quickly my hope for these movies being good died! Why you ask? Simple because between the time Michael Bay made one of my favorite guilty pleasures "Armageddon" & the time he made the "Transformers" he went straight to FUBAR and didn't come back and of course Shia LaBeouf became the Bane of humanity and the second coming of Pauly Shore yet no one noticed because everyone except the smart people because I've discovered idiots run the world and watch bad movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But having nothing to live off but Liquid I.Q. just to watch all three of Shia LaBeouf's "Transformers" movies, I somehow found ten things that were surprisingly good, not saying I liked or even thought these movies were good, I wish someone else had wrote, directed and casted these movies but for the sake of argument and discussion these are the Top 10 Good things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Heaven help me... (Cut to the version of "The Transformers" performed by Lion as clips from the three Shia LaBeouf "Transformers" movies are shown before cutting to the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies logo and the words "Top 10 good things to come from" is above the logo before cutting to see the logo transform to the number 10 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) It honors the origin... for the most part.

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is something that I WILL give Bay credit for. He told how the Autobots and Decepticons got to our planet fairly accurately to the original series and that is something MOST adaptations of materials like Comic Books and Cartoons and TV Shows into movies are not too good at. But for me it shows these two refugee groups finding their way to our primitive backwoods planet. So Congrats Bay you got one thing right mostly. I mean come on Both ships landed on Earth! But that is a minor hiccup in getting the origin 75% right

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 9 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) Linkin Park

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me the music is as much a part of the movie as is the editing, the story, the acting, the directing, all of it and while the orchestral and synth stuff is good, for me personally I enjoyed the song "What I've done" by Nu-Metal band "Linkin Park" from the first movie. While they did a song for the sequels it wasn't as good. What I like about the song is that it doesn't fit into the movie and it feels more like a song that would stand out in something schlocky.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 8 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The revival of the Generation 1 franchise

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me clarify. A lot of what people used to like from the movies were from what is known as the "Generation 1" series of episodes. The original series. Optimus Prime, Megatron, The Autobots & Decepticons, all of it! My introduction to the franchise was through the "Beast Wars" franchise. I had no idea Peter Cullen was the voice of Optimus, I was more used to Gary Chalk as Optimus. I mean I saw the 1980's animated movie and that was my introduction to the Generation 1 Franchise and since the live action movie came out the entire Generation 1 Animated series has been released onto DVD, so I guess some good came from this in terms of reviving what was generally considered Old School Nostalgia.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 7 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) Megan Fox left before the third movie and Shia left after the third one.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Granted Michael Bay shifted away from The Character of Sam & Michaela for the fourth installment and in the next one coming out. But all things considered it worked out well. Megan went on to be in another 1980's franchise revival done by Michael Bay "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the recent sequel that came out both I will not watch and or review and Shia has since stopped being in movies. Granted the damage to cinema the two did in the first two movies they did is near irreversible, I will give the two of them this, they got the hell out of Dodge when the timing was good for them and while it'll be a cold day in hell before they win Oscars but eventually Hollywood WILL get them for the travesties they've done, including these movies!

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 6 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Leonard Nimoy

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not hearing Leonard Nimoy on screen one more time as a Transformer is interesting. Because during the "Generation 1" Transformers franchise there was a movie made between seasons 2 & 3 that had Leonard Nimoy play the character of Galvatron before season 3 premiered and Frank Welker took over the role. And While yes Frank played the role of Megatron in the Generation 1 Transformers franchise he returned to the role of Galvatron for the fourth Michael Bay movie, hearing Leonard perform as the Autobot who sides with the Decepticons was for me a highlight while yes, it was sad that he passed away not long after he did his cameo for "Star Trek Into Darkness" it was for me one of the few good moments in these movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I need a break to make sure Eliza Dushku isn't into any shenanigans and I need to clean myself up from all the stupid I've got on me.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James on the couch)

TLOTA: Sorry about that, It seems I've lost Eliza and now I'm alone. ORAC, is there ANY signal coming from Eliza on ANY level.

ORAC (Audio only): I am trying but I believe she is using her Sonic Screwdriver to mask her frequency.

TLOTA: Well do your best and see if you can find her. Meanwhile, I'll work on the countdown some more.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 5 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) It kept Summer Blockbusters alive long enough for "Marvel's The Avengers" to revive the Summer Blockbusters

TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay, For most of the late 1990's and early 2000's there were Summer Blockbuster but to me it just felt like it was slowly but surely fading into obscurity and although there were movies that were successful in the Summer they weren't exactly making Summer Blockbuster movie money like the Summer Blockbusters of years before that is until "Transformers" came and gave it a shot in the arm but it nearly killed the Summer Blockbuster by trying to dominate all Summer Blockbusters. That is where "Marvel's The Avengers" picked up the flag "Transformers" placed in it's line in the sand and decided to plant it on the moon where the "Transformers" franchise couldn't touch it (Show the title of the third "Transformers" movie title and James shouting "! I WASN'T BEING LITTERAL!" before cutting back to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any point the fact is this movie kept Summer Blockbusters from becoming completely extinct and that is worth being something good to come from this franchise full of turkeys for the most part.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 4 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) Blue Collar Heroes

TLOTA (Voiceover): I guess this is a theme in most of if not a good portion of Michael Bay's repertoire of movies. That the bluer the collar the better a human being they are because as we've seen in these movies the people in the White Collars are probably either idiotic or so egotistically STUPID that they deserve to become the slaves of the decepticons under their stupid belief that the decepticons are the good guys and or none of the Transformers are good at all and the sooner they're all off the planet the better and those are the dumbasses who even when they are saved by not only The Autobots but guys like Epps & Lennox who are as far as military hierarchy are pretty much on the bottom rung next to Privates, Corporals, Sergeants, Lieutenants & Captains and they stand with the Autobots and according to Bay,

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 3 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) John Turturro

TLOTA (Voiceover):This guy seems to be bulletproof. Not saying he's fully bulletproof trust me there are a few movies of his where he really stinks. But I guess going into "Transformers" he knew it was A Turkey with Ham and Cheese on a Kaiser roll. So he decided to give it the effort the stupidity it deserves and he took the character and what the writers did to him and took it in the stride it deserves. And boy did the stride was so long it'd cross the equator five hundred times. They took a nutjob Government agent and reduced him to a butcher and then turned him into an eccentric writer. I'm willing to believe he had some say in the character he played because otherwise after getting peed on by Bumblebee in the first movie, He wouldn't have signed on for the two sequels with LaBeouf. So thank you John for being able to stick it out that long and being entertaining

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 2 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) It saved Paramount

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not for a good long time Paramount was on the ropes. Their older franchises were not doing well and their network merged with another failing network around the same time creating the CW or as it's beginning to be known now as The DC Comics network, their newer ideas were flopping. So when Transformers succeeded at the Box Office it was clear that Paramount was on the comeback trail and since then they've had more hits than flops. So in a way The battle between the Autobots & Decepticons saved Paramount and without that we wouldn't have had the Star Trek Reboot or the first two "Iron Man" movies. That's right Marvel produced the Marvel Cinematic Universe but Paramount distributed the movies until the Disney Buyout that occurred and although Paramount has survived and has gotten a footing as one of the best production and distribution companies for what they're worth.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now the Number one thing to come out of Michael Bay "Transformers" Movies and that happens to be... Me. And not just me, The Nostalgia Critic, The Blockbuster Buster, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Nostalgia Kid, Jackula, All of us who do reviews on the Internet! (Cut to clips of other internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For as much as we don't want to admit it. Without the Michael Bay Transformers movie and the response it got polarizing the difference from what fans and critics thought and with YouTube being less draconic in its policies, everyone with a thought, a camera and some personality the Internet Reviewer revolution wouldn't have happened and most likely Myself and so many of us would be lost or not even known. So as much as I don't want to say this, I owe my vocation to this. A lot of us owe Michael Bay our success. Even in the "Transformers Age Of Extinction" crossover between the Nostalgia Critic and the Blockbuster Buster, they admit that without Bay and his Transformers movies we wouldn't be here (Show clip of The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster explain why the Internet Reviewer exists)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, we exist because we take on the mediocre and praise what we like and demolish that we don't like and let people know we don't think like other critics. We think like the common fanboy & fangirl. We are fans and we know that and we also know what our fandom wants and when something we know is wrong we WILL be there to put you right back in your place at the bottom of the barrel and we WILL be here long after history has shown you to be the trash you are. Even if we are somehow stopped in one form we WILL find a way to thrive and survive and let everyone know that your movies are either garbage or greatness. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to an hour later as James accesses ORAC's Chamber and at a distance Eliza Dushku looks on in secret as James walks in the scene cuts to James inside ORAC's Chamber)

TLOTA: Any luck finding Eliza?

ORAC: Unfortunately all attempts to find Eliza Dushku has proven unsuccessful. However I am close on finding the first three.

TLOTA: How long before then?

ORAC: One hour. Might I suggest that I transfer my consciousness into the activation card so that I can finish up in peace whilst you work on an editorial.

TLOTA: That's not a bad idea ORAC. (James shuts off ORAC and takes the activation card and walks out the door. As James walks down the secondary hallway into the main lobby, Eliza Dushku sneaks around James to the door to ORAC's chamber as she gets her Sonic Screwdriver out and aims it at the lock on the door outside of ORAC's chamber.)

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A second anniversary that's less than "Full Throttle"

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as “Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)

TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.

Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?

TLOTA: Yep

Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?

TLOTA: The same one

Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and Tommy Wiseau is the villain?

TLOTA: You bet.

John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?

TLOTA: Oh god yes

Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?

TLOTA: You are correct sir!

Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the Henchman?

TLOTA: Oh Yeah!

Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black and Alanis Morrissette?

TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely

Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?

TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!

Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies would’ve been a whole lot more different.

Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!

John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there paying off her Collegiate debts.

TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S. Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as business calls as they’re called in by who else?

Jason & Pete: Charlie

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not, repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit” and then cut to James)

TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the “Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future” movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation. Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.

Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)

TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check, getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are, protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain. I need a break to get my head on right.

Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)

TLOTA: Thank you!

John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun? (Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest, I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely fun ears shoe nose to”? “I hot sue hey Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”? “Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge. Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a café she is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?

(Cut to the lobby)

John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.

Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.

Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!

Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?

Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a voiceover.)

Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying “Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)

Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.

Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side with you and so will Paulo.

Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.

Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)

TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the lobby.)

Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s “The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison, Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E! Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!

Dylan: She is SO fired!

TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go “Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)

Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)

John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)

John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John by his Ponytail)

Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones. Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of shite.

Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.

ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.

Sheamus: And it’s a shame.

Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea picks James up)

TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)

TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)

Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production but I gave him the slip.

TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster outside of James’ office)

TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)

Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?

Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke.)

The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

One year older, One year "Dumberer"

(Scene starts in a room of a castle filled with knights played by many of the male actors from “GLEE” when one of the knights who look like Chris Colfer runs in.)

Knight 1: My fellow knights, the Armory has been raided someone has taken the King’s sword and the Gem of Eternal power!

(The knights rush to the Armory when the Stable Clerk who looks like Naya Rivera gets the Knights attention.)

Stable Clerk: My lords, the king’s horse has been taken from the Stable. (The knights rush to the stable where they find an empty stall, the lead knight who looks like Matthew Morrison turns to address his fellow knights.)

Lead Knight: The tracks look fresh, all knights take ride and find this person alive. I shall inform Lord Tharagan. (The knights salute and mount up to find the person while the lead knight walks out of the stable and walks to the Castle and as he does he says aloud “What fool takes our king’s sword, gem and Horse?” as Camera Zooms out to reveal Caliverti as musical cues from the opening of “The Name Of The Doctor” plays including the regal theme of Gallifrey as a title card reads “Caliverti, Before the revolution” as scene cuts to a zooming horse running then scene cuts to the woods where Treayco Malocote preparing for a night which will never happen as a horse neighs as it stops and Treayco turns to see the Kings horse and the rider is revealed to be a maiden for Tharagan’s pleasure who looks like Lea Michele.)

Treayco Malocote: I know of you, you are a maiden of Tharagan, why are you here?

Tharagan’s Maiden: I’m sorry Treayco but I’m afraid you must do something against our new Lord and Master. (Scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Scene changes to see Lea Michele falling into a tunnel of fire & wind) I feel like I’m shattering into a million pieces, living a million different lives but one thought remains! (Scene changes to Linkara’s old house as Lea looks on as Mechakara turns Linkara into ground hamburger from a rail top)I have to help those who review on the Internet. (Lea grabs a phone shouting for 90’s kid, Ninja Style Dancer & Harvey Finevoice to help Linkara defeat Mechakara from “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” episode of “Atop The Fourth Wall”. Then show clip a woman fully disguised in black behind the Irate Gamer fiddling around with a rifle trying to talk to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and putting a bullet through The Irate Gamer and unmasking herself to be Lea Michele) Especially the first man who fell for me because who I am inside, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. But no matter how they differentiate they all in some way influence one another. (Show clip of Nostalgia Critic “Scooby Doo” episode in which Lea’s hands throw lightning into The Nostalgia Critic’s head and he comes to the conclusion.) I feel like I’m running every second just to help all of them. (Show clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd apparently dead as Lea Michele places her hand over the right side of his face and whispers “These games are more than just your burden, they are what you can show what people must avoid. Return and embrace the games, not just play them.) All that time, just to help them! (Scene cuts to Cinema Snob running and Lea shouts “CINEMA SNOB!” then proceeds to run to the Cinema Snob just to Jump to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans as he opens up a can of whoop ass on those from Channel Awesome during the “Kickassia” invasion as it appears Film Brain comes charging up to James when Lea clocks him with a Cricket Bat knocking him unconscious.) James I think rarely sees what I do. (Scene cuts to James drowning while Emmalina in Mermaid form looks around when Lea as a mermaid points Emmalina to James’ direction then Scene cuts to James and “Karen” from TMZ.) But sometimes I think James does see. (Scene cuts back to Lea falling through the tunnel of flame and wind) My life began on a leaf! (Scene cuts to Lea Michele’s parents who are expecting their daughter when a leaf blows off a tree and onto Lea Michele’s mom initiating the labor process then cuts to Lea’s father as he holds their daughter for the first time.) I’m still riding the breeze that sent the leaf on its way and I don’t think it’ll ever stop. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele falling through the tunnel of flame & wind.) The world knows me as Lea Michele. But I am The Impossible and I’m going to save those who review on the internet, especially….

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and…(Thinks to himself) Hey, I’ve been doing this for a year now! It’s an anniversary review! (Show fireworks display with the audio to “Ode To Joy” playing in the background then cut to James again.) One year has come and gone, it feels like yesterday when I reviewed the unholy abomination that was “The Even Stevens Movie”. So what am I going to do to commemorate this event? I could review another unholy piece of Cinema starring Hollywood’s talent enema Shia LaBeouf, Another DCOM or for funsies I could review another Carey-less Sequel. Well let’s see, I tolerate DCOMs for the sake of my nieces so that leaves a Shia Shitnema and a Carrey-less Sequel. But what if I were to merge both into one. (James bends down and finds “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.) Abandon all hope ye who watch! (Show “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd title and clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Oh boy, ladies and gentlemen for those who thought “Son Of The Mask” was the worst. “Dumb & Dumberer” carries that distinct title for me anyway. Why? Because they casted Satan’s scrotal sloppy seconds Shia LaBeouf! (Image changes to Shia LaBeouf while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): However I should point out that I have nothing bad against him as a human nor as a director. (Changes to footage from “Howardcantour.com”) I actually found him competent as a director in Howardcantour.com. What I didn’t like was how he portrayed internet reviewers. Believe it or not we’re all not those sad sacks of human waste that slam everything that we don’t like. My buddy Rowdy is a sports enthusiast. I’m an uncle to three nieces. Linkara doesn’t just sit in his apartment tearing apart bad comic books, he has something close to a life as do the 99% of all of us internet reviews. That is the only problem I have with “Howardcantour.com” otherwise “Howardcantour.com” is a really great piece of work from Shia as a director. Any acting job he has is possibly so bottom of the barrel, I’d rather take Tommy WIseau performing Shakespeare and I’d rather watch a marathon of Adam Sandler than anything & everything featuring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to James physically) But seeing as how I’ve got no other choice but to endure his annoyance in a Carrey-less sequel all I can say is hang on for dear life and keep the Lysol on standby we’re entering the big pile heading down to the 666^th level of Dante’s inferno, This is “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd”. (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with Harry being born against his will then becoming so much of a nuisance that 911 have decided to never to answer any call from the Dunn household. Eventually Harry’s mom played by Mimi Rogers decides to let Harry played by Derek Richardson attend public school. Ho Boy let’s just pray he’ll do better there than The Chipmunks did. (Show clip from “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” of Simon & Alvin jumping at The Jocks then cuts to the outside and screams of agony are heard and one Jock crying for his mommy then back to James doing a voice over.) On his way to School he meets up with Lloyd Christmas played by one of the few actors from this movie to have a career after this Eric Christian Olsen (Show pic of the Olsen Twins from “Full House” and Babs & Buster Bunny from Tiny Toon Adventures audio say “No Relation” then back to movie with James doing voice over.) So our “heroes” and I say that with no hope that these two will be useful at any point in this find their way to school and the first thing that happens is that the duo find themselves hung up by their underwear at the top of the flagpole which helps the motive of the principal played by legendary actor Eugene Levy to use a big amount of cash set for the education of Special needs children and using it to buy a condo in Hawaii. So the Principal assigns Harry & Lloyd to assemble students for that includes no one from the back room. (Cut to clip of James wearing a Fez guffawing while jumping around in a circle, The Rowdy Reviewer walking into a wall face first then go backwards into the same wall over & over again, Film Brain putting globs of globs of Mayonnaise into a toaster, Lea Michele dressed like a crazy person spinning around in a chair, Linkara in the “Fat Grandma” wig waddling and Scott Disick dressed like Brick Tamland moseying and shouting “I’m riding a furry lawnmower!” over & over again then cut back to James doing a voice over the video clips)

TLOTA (Voice over): So Tweedle Derp & Tweedle DURH enlist several big students including the stereotype bully, the big name jock, the smart Asian & the only person who rightfully deserve to remain in “Special Needs” classes Shia LaBeouf! The fact that so many known people from the different cliques are now in the “Special Needs” classes catches the attention of the smart, preppy & good looking female investigator student Jessica played by Rachel Nichols to investigate the legitimacy of the whole thing.

(Powerful explosive noise shakes the video footage and shaking continues as scene changes to James falling out of the chair.)

TLOTA: The Hell was that?

ORAC: The shielding you had set up has been deactivated. Scanners indicating the energy is equal to…

TLOTA: To what?

ORAC: You know who it is.

TLOTA: The Wicked. (Scene cuts to James coming out of the vault from below with the ring, gem, sword & amulet on him.) That Sumbich is looking for me and I can’t wait to finish this. SHOW YOURSELF! YOU COWARD! LET’S FINISH IT! (Earth shakes and James shakes in the same direction.)

The Wicked (Demonic Audio only): Did you think I would’ve attacked you when you had all your faculties? Remember your friend at that Karaoke bar that Halloween night? (Show clip of Rowdy Reviewer’s JFK review intro when he says “I remember a karaoke machine, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & Lea Michele wanting me to dress up like that punk boyfriend of hers on “Glee”” then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) I had him after my associate turned him. (Show clip of “Murked” Rowdy trying to take away all the color in the world then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) Had it not been for his sister, I would’ve taken over the world more quickly. (Show clip of Slacker sis, Wrestling Mark & the Cats stopping “Murked” Rowdy reverting him back to normal then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) And let’s not forget that you nearly succumbed to me (Show clips of Spider-Man Trilogy reviews from James falling down and his head hitting the bed and then the floor then James grabbing Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy and the pain intensifying with each movie until James’ eyes are glowing with a black flame cutting to James getting blasted with Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) Had it not been for that blasted sonic screwdriver, I would’ve gotten to you.

TLOTA: Well I remember what happened after that. So can you face me or are you THAT big a coward. (Dark smoke expel from the walls until it takes physical shape of Jane Lynch)

The Wicked: Surprised.

Jane Lynch (Off screen): Actually… (Camera pans to Jane Lynch)

Jane Lynch: I like James, I just can’t stand to see him die because he makes Lea happy. (Jane pulls out sonic concussion blaster and shoots point blank range at The Wicked sending it down the hallway.)

TLOTA: Oh-Kay! What just happened?

Jane Lynch: You left your laptop open back in the green room. (Scene changes to Jane Lynch looking at James’ laptop and seeing her connection to Tharagan.)

Jane Lynch (Voice over): Surprisingly knowing I had a relative that you defeated should’ve made me side with that thing. But when Lea saw that I wanted to show you & her that I’m not a bad guy. (Scene cuts back to Jane & James)

TLOTA: All right but how did you get here? (Scene changes to Door next to thermometer as a glow intensifies then subsides as 0:00-1:01 minute mark of “The Majestic tale (Of a madman in a box)” play in the background as Lea Michele wielding her sonic screwdriver. Darren Criss wielding a lightsaber, Naya Rivera wielding a pair of Nunchuks and Chris Colfer wielding a pair of Katanas step out of the glow walking up to James and Jane)

The Wicked: Well, I have to admit. I didn’t see this coming.

TLOTA: Enough talk. Let’s Rock! (James, Lea, Naya, Darren, Chris & Jane come at The Wicked and overpower it momentarily as The Wicked slams its left foot scattering everyone then walks to James as “The Majestic tale (Of a madman in a box) from the 1:01 minute mark until the 2:28 mark when James is flung back to his room and is barely alive.)

The Wicked: Oh to have come close to defeating me but to be defeated himself. (The Wicked forces its hand through James & ripping strands of light out of him. The Wicked laughing in demented joy as everyone around looks in shock as James is barely alive.) With this, I will make victories into defeats, life will become death & all that is good shall be reviled! (The Wicked turns to energy warping the strands of light and the strands flicker. Scene changes to Linkara being beaten into Ground Beef in his “Power Rangers Zeo” AT4W episode then AVGN being beaten like a bitch by ROB the Robot in his 100^th review then The Nostalgia Critic’s Scooby Doo review as the Earth shakes uncontrollably then Malicia beating Rowdy in TV Trash “Electra Woman & Dyna-Girl” episode then cuts back to James struggling to get to his knees trying to crawl to the strand of Flickering light.)

Lea Michele: James, what is it?

TLOTA (Barely Audible): Time line.

Chris Colfer: What did he say it was?

Jane Lynch: I think he said “Timeline”

Naya Rivera: I heard that as well.

Darren Criss: What is this “Timeline”?

TLOTA: The timeline keeps time proper (Groans in agony) now that The Wicked is in it everything is being rewritten. My fellow Internet reviewers are being destroyed anything good they have done and any good they could’ve done is all gone. I feel so weak. (James falls and is still conscious but is in pain as “The Long Song” plays in the background.) Get me there and I can stop it.

Jane Lynch: It could kill you.

Lea Michele: Not if someone sacrifices themselves to reverse the damage.

TLOTA (Groaning): NO! (Lea kisses James and starts to run to the timeline intercut to the others screaming silently LEA! & NO! Lea Michele continues to run as The Earth shakes and she dodges the debris & jumps into the timeline at the 2:51 mark of “The Long Song” and James misses her by one fraction of a second as Lea turns around as she falls to let the last thing she sees being James by 3:35 mark of “The Long Song” Lea disappears into the timeline. Scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames and “Remember Me” from the 2:00 mark plays while Lea Michele does a voice over.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Show scene of Lea Michele grabbing the Zeo Gold Power staff as Linkara shouts for it and Lea running like “The Flash” to hand Linkara the Zeo Gold Power Staff and watches from the background as Linkara beats Mechakara in Linkara’s Power Rangers Zeo AT4W review.) I just know I’m running. (Scene changes to the planet Psychlo as a squad of Psychlos prepare to invade earth when Lea pops up out of nowhere with a nuclear bomb and Lea shouts Psychlos GO TO HELL!) It’s like I’ve lived so many different lives and have been in so many different places. I’m born, I live & I die. (Scene changes to Lea looking at a weakened Blockbuster Buster with Lazarus Dark possessing Dr. Affect when she uses her Sonic Screwdriver to split Dr. Affect & Lazarus Dark and the battle moves forward as Lea places her right hand on Dr. Affect’s face reviving him in Blockbuster Buster’s “Planes” review then cuts to random moments from TV Trash, Nostalgia Critic, AVGN and other Internet reviewers intercut with Lea Michele being thrown around in the tunnel of flames) Always running, saving all of them again & again & again. (Scene cuts to James & “Karen” at TMZ) They’ve never seen me. (Scene changes to the hand maiden of Tharagan in the same place with Treayco.) But I’ve always been there, moving everything forward all the way from the beginning.

Tharagan’s maiden: I’m sorry Treayco but I’m afraid you must do something against our new Lord and Master. He killed our true king. Stand with the rebels. Keep the gem with you and harness its power. Take the horse, it’ll get you home quicker. Hopefully you’ll be able to save your family. (Treayco rides off to hopefully save his family from Tharagan’s forces while Lea Michele does a voice over.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): Right from the day everything happened. (Scene changes to the set of GLEE and people running for their lives with Lea just standing as the people run around her and the camera does a 360 pan around her which is intercut with James holding the Sword of Caliverti with the 360 pan around James.)

Lea Michele: Emmalina…(Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal thought): If you can hear me… let me have enough strength to send…(Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: The plot hole back. Let him have that strength…(Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal thought): And I will amass the group of warriors you need…. (Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: To help you save Caliverti. (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal Thought): Emmalina….(Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: Let James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal Thought): have… (Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: that… (Scene is split between James’ left side of his face and Lea Michele’s right side)

TLOTA (Internal Thought)/ Lea Michele: strength! (Scene cuts to the tunnel of flames)

Lea Michele (voice over): The world knows me as Lea Michele. But I am The Impossible and I’m going to save those who review on the internet.

(Scene cuts to the outside of the front door and James being thrown out of the front door landing on his back and James scrambling for his life as camera cuts to the front door and Naya has rage in her eyes)

Naya Rivera: YOU KILLED LEA! NOW YOU MUST DIE! (0:19-1:05 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James is hobbling for his life and Naya keeps pace until 0:42 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James hobbles to his truck and Naya smashes the windshield forcing James to hobble back to the house, closes the door until the 1:05 mark happens when from out of nowhere Roman Reigns spearing James and Naya stands over James who looks like he’s been through hell.) Give me one reason why I shouldn’t finish you off! (James looks as if he is about to die as Naya has her chucks set to club his brains raises them in anger when a surprise catches them all off guard.)

ORAC (Audio only with a hint of hope in its voice): LEA MICHELE IS STILL ALIVE!

Naya Rivera: What said that?

TLOTA: ORAC is it true?

ORAC (Audio only): Using her baseline DNA extrapolated from her Sonic Screwdriver I scanned for traces of her throughout the timeline, project estimated so someone can access the timeline will be for three hours.

TLOTA: Then let’s get to work & TO HELL with the review. (James is about to enter code to begin the rescue effort to find & save Lea Michele when Jane pulls him out of the chair.)

Jane Lynch: We’ll take care of this, do the review.

TLOTA: Thanks. But I have to know why you tried to kill me with a chef’s knife?

Jane Lynch: Well that’s funny before I was thinking about who was going to be on “Hollywood Game Night” and then I looked in and it felt like something dark was taking over my mind saying “Kill Him” over & over again. The strange thing is yeah you’re a conservative republican & I don’t like you but as long as Lea likes you, I’ll tolerate you. Is that good?

TLOTA: Good enough for me.

Chris Colfer: Back up! Did she call you a “Conservative Republican?”

TLOTA: What? Do you guys think all republicans have Swastika armbands, blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin and carry copies of Mein Kampf, the Bible & the Necronomicon Ex Mortis? (Jane, Chris & Naya nod yes) JESUS H. CHRIST! I HATE IT! HATE IT WHEN HOLLYWOOD STEREOTYPES US AS THOSE TYPE OF ASSHOLES! BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I AM A CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN! But that does NOT mean I hate minorities or hunt for Bambi because I’m a redneck idiot! The truth is I have friends of every racial, sexual & religious credence and I do NOT hate on them! The reason I hunt and fish is for food! I don’t hunt Bambi when I hunt, it’s for Bambi’s sacrifice. I see it & Bambi is letting me know that this one is either too dumb or too old or inferior to be of any use to us, put him out of his misery and I DON’T KILL DOES FOR A REASON! IT’S CALLED KEEPING THE SPECIES ALIVE! You know what you guys get working on helping ORAC, I’ll work on the review. (Show James grabbing a Sonic Screwdriver and opening James’s closet door revealing ORAC and placing it on the nightstand next to Naya)

Naya Rivera: That’s ORAC?

Chris Colfer: Looks so old it takes dial up.

Jane Lynch: Where is the coffee heating function?

ORAC: Your attempts at levity fall flat! (All three jump back in surprise.)Now if you’ll excuse us James, we have work to do as do you!

TLOTA: Right you are, now where was I? Oh yeah, the actual Hero of this clunker. (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So Jessica asks Harry to assist her, Harry mistakes it for her wanting to get into bed with her and Harry asks Lloyd for how to woo Jessica. He suggests the usual schmaltz of Chocolate & Flowers which leads to one of the few good comedic moments primarily by Bob “I’m glad for my R-Rated Stand Up Act & How I met your mother” Saget!

Jessica’s Dad: Oh my god! HE SHIT EVERYWHERE! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE! DAMNIT! THERE’S SHIT ON MY WINDOWS! OH MY GOD! MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT! HE SHIT EVERYWHERE! LOOK AT WHAT HE DID! HE SHIT ALL OVER THE WALLS! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE! (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: That’s not the only thing that’s full of shit! (James points to the movie)

Chris Colfer (Audio only): You said it Nazi boy! (Audible smack) OW!

Naya Rivera (Audio only): Leave him alone! If he wants be a goose stepper like his Furher that’s his choice. (Audible smack) OW!

Jane Lynch (Audio only): Will you two pipe down we all have work to do! (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that rare moment of truth about this movie. Our duo head out for slushes. Why? To annoy the hell out of Brian Posehn! (Show clip of the two of them playing tag until Brian Posehn yells at the two to get out of his store.) Meanwhile it appears Jessica flipped like a pancake to ask Lloyd for help. Why not ask the both of them to help? Oh yeah so it can cause tension which is resolved when Lloyd steals a stuffed Polar Bear from The Museum to make the DUMBEST looking clothes ever! But then again when someone’s intelligence rivals Tapioca Pudding looking dumb is the least of your problems. Meanwhile our intrepid hero Jessica discovers the principal’s plans to take the funds for the “Special Needs” classes and use it to buy the condo in Hawaii. Surely she’ll get someone smart, brave & Intelligent. (Show clip of Harry & Lloyd listening to Jessica.) Or two guys who can’t outsmart a slug. But surprisingly they get the evidence and broadcast it on a float for a President’s day parade, OUR HEROES ladies & gentlemen! Let’s wrap this up quickly! So neither Harry nor Lloyd get the girl, something that will be the theme of their lives. The Principal and his accomplice are dragged away to state prison. Harry’s mom winds up with the Janitor. We meet Fraida Felcher and her twin sister, yeah who knew she had a twin sister, The Felcher sisters ride off covering Harry in mud and we get our only other funny moment in this clunker. (Show clip of Jessica’s dad shouting and ranting about his car being covered in poop then cuts to James physically.)

TLOTA: And that’s “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd” THE WORST CARREY-LESS SEQUEL! (Cut to clips of the movie and the original movie with Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): I mean it folks, this movie was a chore to get through. The characters are lame and surprisingly the least lame was Shia LaBeouf which isn’t saying much, the two actors who they got to replace Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels weren’t bad but all they were nothing more than cheap carbon copy cardboard cutouts. The story is lame, the humor is awful in comparison to the original and there was little to like. Was it nice to see how the two became friends and know what was going to happen to them? A little. But overall between Shia Hamming it up, a bad script and lame characters this movie had DEAD ON ARRIVAL written all over it. But does that mean I dislike the original? HELL NO! I loved how the dumb comedy was intelligently written which sounds like an oxymoron, I loved the chemistry between Jeff Daniels & Jim Carrey and for all intent and purposes The Farrelly Brothers hold no Ill will towards this film, the cast or the people who worked behind the scenes. But The Farrellys are going to try & rectify this by making a sequel starring the original duo which is slated to be released by the end of this year. I hope that movie makes amends for what I’ve sat through. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & that’s (A loud explosion shakes the room) A really big explosion! Excuse me! (James runs out to find out what that was.) THE HELL WAS THAT?

ORAC: The timeline is now ready to receive someone and will pull both Lea and whoever else is going in.

TLOTA: That’s going to be me. (“Infinite Potential” plays as James lays down his rifle, his bandoleer of Sonic Screwdrivers, The Ring Of Aeon, The Sword Of Caliverti, Emmalina’s Amulet & The Gem from the Gauntlet “Malachite’s Hand” & pulls out the card by Stevie Swigart featuring the statistics of James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans out of his Megaforce Morpher and lays them down reverting back to James Faraci and looks at Jane, Naya & Chris who have tears of hope in their eyes)

James Faraci: I’ll bring her back, I promise. (James walks into the timeline disappearing as Jane, Chris & Naya continue to cry tears of hope as bright lights blind then scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames and Lea Michele doing a voice over and the musical cues from the last four minutes of “The Name Of The Doctor”.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Scene changes to Lea Michele falling into a tunnel of flame and shadow)I don’t know where I am going or where I’ve been. I’m going to save those who review on the internet and I know they’ll be safe, Including James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. The World knows me as Lea Michele, but I am the impossible & my story is over! (Scene cuts to a cave full of smoke and flame as Lea falls to the floor then stands for a bit.)

Lea Michele: James? (Lea looks around and shouts JAMES?!) Somebody help me, I don’t know where I am!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Lea, you can hear me. I know you can hear me.

Lea Michele: I can’t see you!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): You’re inside the timeline and the timeline is now centered on me. (Lea looks at younger versions James Faraci pass by her.)

Lea Michele: I can see you, I mean when you were younger and all these people with you. Who are they?

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Those people are part of my past, every good day and every bad decade! (James Faraci groans in pain, the ground shakes causing Lea to fall down.)

Lea Michele: What’s happening?

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): I’m inside the timeline, it won’t last long.

Lea Michele: THEN GET OUT JAMES!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Not without you, I’m sending you something, not from my past but from yours look up! (Lea looks up and notices the leaf.) This is where you began and everything you will be lies within it, take it! (Lea grabs the leaf floating in the air.) You began on THIS leaf! Hold on to it and you will help you find your way back! (Lea walks around for a few seconds.)

James Faraci (Audio only): LEA! LEA! TURN AROUND! I’M HERE! (Lea Michele turns to discover James Faraci.)

James Faraci: Its okay, I’m here to get you out of this place!

Lea Michele: How?

James Faraci: Because it is impossible and because of you I BELIEVE in the impossible! (Lea walks to James as James continues vocally.) How many times have you helped my friends? How many times have you helped me? Now JUST THIS ONCE! (Cuts back to James physically) JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT! LET ME HELP YOU! (Lea continues to walk to James.) You have to trust me, it’s really me, just ONE MORE STEP! (Lea embraces James and the two kiss.) LEA! MY LEA! (James continues to kiss as James looks over her left shoulder to see a figure from the backside that shakes James to his core and causes James to refrain from Lea as the two looks at the same backside.)

Lea Michele: Who is that?

James Faraci: No one you need to know, now let’s get the hell out of here!

Lea Michele: But who is it?

James Faraci: It’s a reason I’m here, now let’s get the hell out of here!

Lea Michele: But I saw so many people with you all of them making you who you are! You’re James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

James Faraci: I said it’s a reason I’m here, but he is not the reason I am James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

Lea Michele: I… I don’t understand!

James Faraci: My name, My REAL name is James Faraci, but that’s not important. The name I chose IS The Last Of The Americans. The name you choose is a promise to yourself to be someone and he broke his promise! (The two continue to look as Lea begins to faint.) Lea! LEA! LEA! (James groans as he catches Lea Michele.) He is someone I wish never to remember again!

The Figure: What I did, I did without choice.

James Faraci: I know.

The Figure: In the name of what was right and what was Just.

James Faraci: But not in the name of Hero! (James carries Lea Michele back through the tunnel as the figure turns around to reveal Bruce Campbell’s face and title cues reading “Introducing Bruce Campbell as Hero”)