Connect The Plots: "Transformers" & The "Armageddon" of Michael Bay

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of"Connect The Plots" (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to the title card of "Armageddon" as an instrumental of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" play in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
As it has been stated repeatedly here "Armageddon" directed by Michael Bay has become a cult classic, a guilty pleasure of mine, and has probably the biggest honor the movie could get a place in the Criterion Collection! That is insane. While a lot of the science behind it doesn't compute, nor does the whole drilling a nuke to blow an asteroid sky-high make a lick of sense. To me, this is the definition of popcorn entertainment that somehow has stood the test of time, which is far more than a franchise he drove into the ground. (Cut to clips of the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as "Transformers" by the band Lion play in the foreground and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Michael Bay's first"Transformers" was such a hit that Bay hit the Lather, Rinse, Repeat on the plot five times until finally Paramount had enough and has decided to give Bay the boot, hit the reboot button with two movies, One I have seen in snippets and a new one coming soon. But believe it or not, as insane as being able to connect the "Halloween" "Thorn Trilogy" to "H20" & "Resurrection", I think I have found something that connects Michael Bay's five clunkers "Transformers" movies to "Armageddon" and it ain't Michael Bay. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And would you believe that it was the main antagonist of the movie "Armageddon" and it ain't Gen. Kimsey, Col. Sharp, or anyone like that. It is the asteroid! (Cut to clips of "Armageddon" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
First off, the exact starting point of the asteroid, Just where did in the depths of space did it come from, if anything, I think that asteroid came from Cybertron. What helps me think that is the material of the asteroid is that of compressed Iron Ferrite, however, there were other metallic elements that they couldn't quantify. They could've been elements from making both Autobots and Decepticons. I mean when their drill's first attempt tears up only a few feet in, that's more than just Iron Ferrite and it can't be any metal in the elemental table that we know. So no wonder it took them just until almost the ending of the movie to get to the eight hundred feet to get the asteroid to the breaking point. In addition, when the nuclear weapon goes kerblammo that couldn't have been good, acting as a signal to any of the Autobots & Decepticons that had been inactive on Earth to wake up and as a signal to any and all Autobots and Decepticons still lost to make their way to our planet! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
"But wait," you say, "How do you explain the fact, someone, mentioning the movie "Armageddon" In the first "Transformers" movie?" Well... (Cut to the first "Transformers" movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I am willing to bet despite signing NDAs I have to think that either "Rockhound" who in "Armageddon" was played by Steve Buscemi or "Chic" played by Will Patton had hit some hard financial times after Harry died and of course Governmental interference causing both Stamper Oil and A.J.'s oil drilling business to close their doors and the two decided to use Nom De Plumes to get around the NDAs to tell the story about how a group of Oil Drillers became Astronauts who had to drill into the heart of an asteroid, drop a nuclear weapon to save all of humanity from dying. A couple of Hollywood execs read the story, commissioned a script and "Armageddon" becomes a movie making the duo financially stable. Of course, they would have PTSD once the Transformers made their presence is known, and long story short "Rockhound" or "Chic" realize what they had done may have been was a bigger mistake than letting the asteroid hit the earth. Plus there may have been some of the remnants of the asteroid that made it to the Earth that activated the inert Autobots and Decepticons, might have taken them a few years but when they woke up, our planet became the home of their war. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But do we have "Armageddon" to thank for the horrendousness that has been not only the "Transformers" movies but I have to say the destruction of the career of Michael Bay? I think both were inevitable and "Armageddon" was not the cause of it. (Cut to clips of both "Armageddon" and the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
To me "Armageddon" may have been the start of Michael Bay's Swansong towards what happened with the "Transformers" movies, it comes as no surprise what has happened with Michael's work. And while nine times out of ten I would hope for something better for someone and I do wish the best for Michael if he never escapes the downward spiral that most moviemakers suffer, he knows his career has come to its endgame. And for me, I'm fine with it. But at least I'm fine knowing I enjoy one of his movies. If you find one movie enjoyable as well, good for you. Me "Armageddon" was Michael at his commercial and critical popcorn fun. Everything else has been a sign for me to roll on out of the theaters. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

The Top Ten Good Things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Movies

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James on the couch in the Lobby)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it's my third anniversary! (Cut to a firework display as the words "The Last Of The Americans' Third Anniversary" is shown over it and "Ode To Joy" is heard in the background before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as you can tell from the end of Last month's review the only person celebrating is... me! Yeah, Kinda sucks! (Eliza coughs off screen before cutting to her in the backroom doorway)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me but what am I? Fricking Chopped Liver? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No, but you're working on my last nerve with this whole "Trying to find out the secret behind the legend of James Faraci" when really, there's nothing to me! But you are not as bad as what I have to deal with. (Cut to scenes from the first three Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover): When it was announced that "Transformers" was hitting the Big Screen in a live action adaptation in 2006, I thought it would be interesting then came the news that A) Michael Bay was directing and B) Shia LaBeouf would be starring in them and quickly my hope for these movies being good died! Why you ask? Simple because between the time Michael Bay made one of my favorite guilty pleasures "Armageddon" & the time he made the "Transformers" he went straight to FUBAR and didn't come back and of course Shia LaBeouf became the Bane of humanity and the second coming of Pauly Shore yet no one noticed because everyone except the smart people because I've discovered idiots run the world and watch bad movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But having nothing to live off but Liquid I.Q. just to watch all three of Shia LaBeouf's "Transformers" movies, I somehow found ten things that were surprisingly good, not saying I liked or even thought these movies were good, I wish someone else had wrote, directed and casted these movies but for the sake of argument and discussion these are the Top 10 Good things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Heaven help me... (Cut to the version of "The Transformers" performed by Lion as clips from the three Shia LaBeouf "Transformers" movies are shown before cutting to the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies logo and the words "Top 10 good things to come from" is above the logo before cutting to see the logo transform to the number 10 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) It honors the origin... for the most part.

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is something that I WILL give Bay credit for. He told how the Autobots and Decepticons got to our planet fairly accurately to the original series and that is something MOST adaptations of materials like Comic Books and Cartoons and TV Shows into movies are not too good at. But for me it shows these two refugee groups finding their way to our primitive backwoods planet. So Congrats Bay you got one thing right mostly. I mean come on Both ships landed on Earth! But that is a minor hiccup in getting the origin 75% right

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 9 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) Linkin Park

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me the music is as much a part of the movie as is the editing, the story, the acting, the directing, all of it and while the orchestral and synth stuff is good, for me personally I enjoyed the song "What I've done" by Nu-Metal band "Linkin Park" from the first movie. While they did a song for the sequels it wasn't as good. What I like about the song is that it doesn't fit into the movie and it feels more like a song that would stand out in something schlocky.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 8 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The revival of the Generation 1 franchise

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me clarify. A lot of what people used to like from the movies were from what is known as the "Generation 1" series of episodes. The original series. Optimus Prime, Megatron, The Autobots & Decepticons, all of it! My introduction to the franchise was through the "Beast Wars" franchise. I had no idea Peter Cullen was the voice of Optimus, I was more used to Gary Chalk as Optimus. I mean I saw the 1980's animated movie and that was my introduction to the Generation 1 Franchise and since the live action movie came out the entire Generation 1 Animated series has been released onto DVD, so I guess some good came from this in terms of reviving what was generally considered Old School Nostalgia.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 7 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) Megan Fox left before the third movie and Shia left after the third one.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Granted Michael Bay shifted away from The Character of Sam & Michaela for the fourth installment and in the next one coming out. But all things considered it worked out well. Megan went on to be in another 1980's franchise revival done by Michael Bay "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the recent sequel that came out both I will not watch and or review and Shia has since stopped being in movies. Granted the damage to cinema the two did in the first two movies they did is near irreversible, I will give the two of them this, they got the hell out of  Dodge when the timing was good for them and while it'll be a cold day in hell before they win Oscars but eventually Hollywood WILL get them for the travesties they've done, including these movies!

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 6 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Leonard Nimoy

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not hearing Leonard Nimoy on screen one more time as a Transformer is interesting. Because during the "Generation 1" Transformers franchise there was a movie made between seasons 2 & 3 that had Leonard Nimoy play the character of Galvatron before season 3 premiered and Frank Welker took over the role. And While yes Frank played the role of Megatron in the Generation 1 Transformers franchise he returned to the role of Galvatron for the fourth Michael Bay movie, hearing Leonard perform as the Autobot who sides with the Decepticons was for me a highlight while yes, it was sad that he passed away not long after he did his cameo for "Star Trek Into Darkness" it was for me one of the few good moments in these movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I need a break to make sure Eliza Dushku isn't into any shenanigans and I need to clean myself up from all the stupid I've got on me.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James on the couch)

TLOTA: Sorry about that, It seems I've lost Eliza and now I'm alone. ORAC, is there ANY signal coming from Eliza on ANY level.

ORAC (Audio only): I am trying but I believe she is using her Sonic Screwdriver to mask her frequency.

TLOTA: Well do your best and see if you can find her. Meanwhile, I'll work on the countdown some more.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 5 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) It kept Summer Blockbusters alive long enough for "Marvel's The Avengers" to revive the Summer Blockbusters

TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay, For most of the late 1990's and early 2000's there were Summer Blockbuster but to me it just felt like it was slowly but surely fading into obscurity and although there were movies that were successful in the Summer they weren't exactly making Summer Blockbuster movie money like the Summer Blockbusters of years before that is until "Transformers" came and gave it a shot in the arm but it nearly killed the Summer Blockbuster by trying to dominate all Summer Blockbusters. That is where "Marvel's The Avengers" picked up the flag "Transformers" placed in it's line in the sand and decided to plant it on the moon where the "Transformers" franchise couldn't touch it (Show the title of the third "Transformers" movie title and James shouting "! I WASN'T BEING LITTERAL!" before cutting back to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any point the fact is this movie kept Summer Blockbusters from becoming completely extinct and that is worth being something good to come from this franchise full of turkeys for the most part.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 4 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) Blue Collar Heroes

TLOTA (Voiceover): I guess this is a theme in most of if not a good portion of Michael Bay's repertoire of movies. That the bluer the collar the better a human being they are because as we've seen in these movies the people in the White Collars are probably either idiotic or so egotistically STUPID that they deserve to become the slaves of the decepticons under their stupid belief that the decepticons are the good guys and or none of the Transformers are good at all and the sooner they're all off the planet the better and those are the dumbasses who even when they are saved by not only The Autobots but guys like Epps & Lennox who are as far as military hierarchy are pretty much on the bottom rung next to Privates, Corporals, Sergeants, Lieutenants & Captains and they stand with the Autobots and according to Bay,

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 3 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) John Turturro

TLOTA (Voiceover):This guy seems to be bulletproof. Not saying he's fully bulletproof trust me there are a few movies of his where he really stinks. But I guess going into "Transformers" he knew it was A Turkey with Ham and Cheese on a Kaiser roll. So he decided to give it the effort the stupidity it deserves and he took the character and what the writers did to him and took it in the stride it deserves. And boy did the stride was so long it'd cross the equator five hundred times. They took a nutjob Government agent and reduced him to a butcher and then turned him into an eccentric writer. I'm willing to believe he had some say in the character he played because otherwise after getting peed on by Bumblebee in the first movie, He wouldn't have signed on for the two sequels with LaBeouf. So thank you John for being able to stick it out that long and being entertaining

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 2 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) It saved Paramount

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not for a good long time Paramount was on the ropes. Their older franchises were not doing well and their network merged with another failing network around the same time creating the CW or as it's beginning to be known now as The DC Comics network, their newer ideas were flopping. So when Transformers succeeded at the Box Office it was clear that Paramount was on the comeback trail and since then they've had more hits than flops. So in a way The battle between the Autobots & Decepticons saved Paramount and without that we wouldn't have had the Star Trek Reboot or the first two "Iron Man" movies. That's right Marvel produced the Marvel Cinematic Universe but Paramount distributed the movies until the Disney Buyout that occurred and although Paramount has survived and has gotten a footing as one of the best production and distribution companies for what they're worth.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now the Number one thing to come out of Michael Bay "Transformers" Movies and that happens to be... Me. And not just me, The Nostalgia Critic, The Blockbuster Buster, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Nostalgia Kid, Jackula, All of us who do reviews on the Internet! (Cut to clips of other internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For as much as we don't want to admit it. Without the Michael Bay Transformers movie and the response it got polarizing the difference from what fans and critics thought and with YouTube being less draconic in its policies, everyone with a thought, a camera and some personality the Internet Reviewer revolution wouldn't have happened and most likely Myself and so many of us would be lost or not even known. So as much as I don't want to say this, I owe my vocation to this. A lot of us owe Michael Bay our success. Even in the "Transformers Age Of Extinction" crossover between the Nostalgia Critic and the Blockbuster Buster, they admit that without Bay and his Transformers movies we wouldn't be here (Show clip of The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster explain why the Internet Reviewer exists)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, we exist because we take on the mediocre and praise what we like and demolish that we don't like and let people know we don't think like other critics. We think like the common fanboy & fangirl. We are fans and we know that and we also know what our fandom wants and when something we know is wrong we WILL be there to put you right back in your place at the bottom of the barrel and we WILL be here long after history has shown you to be the trash you are. Even if we are somehow stopped in one form we WILL find a way to thrive and survive and let everyone know that your movies are either garbage or greatness. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to an hour later as James accesses ORAC's Chamber and at a distance Eliza Dushku looks on in secret as James walks in the scene cuts to James inside ORAC's Chamber)

TLOTA: Any luck finding Eliza?

ORAC: Unfortunately all attempts to find Eliza Dushku has proven unsuccessful. However I am close on finding the first three.

TLOTA: How long before then?

ORAC: One hour. Might I suggest that I transfer my consciousness into the activation card so that I can finish up in peace whilst you work on an editorial.

TLOTA: That's not a bad idea ORAC. (James shuts off ORAC and takes the activation card and walks out the door. As James walks down the secondary hallway into the main lobby, Eliza Dushku sneaks around James to the door to ORAC's chamber as she gets her Sonic Screwdriver out and aims it at the lock on the door outside of ORAC's chamber.)

In Defense of Michael Bay's "Armageddon"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)

I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..." (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  appear to the left of James then cutting back to James)

TLOTA: Remember in my "Top thirteen vampire films better than "The Twilight Saga" list" that "The Lost Boys" is proof positive that a Blind hunting dog with a missing leg can get it's quarry and get a mate for Joel Schumacher. Well for me personally I've found the movie that is the Blind hunting dog with a missing leg can get it's quarry and get a mate for someone who must never, EVER have anything to do with filmmaking. I am of course talking about Michael Bay. (Cut to images of Michael Bay while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Now I am fully aware that I will never, EVER defend everything about Michael Bay. As a film maker His films are pretty much formulaic and to say Adult movies have more substance is accurate and if there is a hell you can bet Michael Bay will be going there and be hearing, reading & seeing all the mistakes critics & fans have pointed out in his movies for all eternity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But if I hate him why is there at least one of his movies that I can tolerate? Well, believe it or not before he was the director EVERYONE loved to see sacrificed to the ancient gods of Cinema he made some decent films. For some people who'll admit they like one movie from Michael Bay it'll be either one of his remakes of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "Friday The 13th" or "A Nightmare on Elm Street" or "The Rock" or one of the two "Bad Boys" movies. But me personally the one movie I like from Michael Bay is "Armageddon" (Cut to opening credit to of "Armageddon" while "Don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith plays in the background of clips from "Armageddon" as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over):  Now believe it or not I DIDN'T like it before I saw it but after watching it, I found myself enjoying it but why is that? Well first off, I can say that this was before he decided that angles found in the Adult movie section were great for mainstream movies and before every scene that wasn't using those angles were scenes of everything being blown off the map and there was actual story, characters & reasons for the explosions. There was actual reason as to why this movie is so great let me explain why I like "Armageddon". First off, the cast was amazing, a million times better than "Deep Impact" a movie similar to "Armageddon" I loved about this how Bruce Willis acted in this movie and how Bruce handled things as his character especially when he discovers his daughter played by Liv Tyler having hooked up with Ben Affleck. Trust me when I say the reaction he had was genuine, probably the reaction I'd have. In addition, the humor I felt while unintentional was decent. The fact they casted Steve Buscemi as someone who was a genius who decided to drill for oil because the money was good, the locations change constantly and they allow him to use explosives was a sign the guy's engine wasn't firing on all cylinders. But I have to mention the score by Harry Gregson-Williams & Trevor Rabin was magnificent while Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing" was a great song for me to listen to I loved the orchestral music more so. Plus Ben Affleck wasn't as bad in this as he was in "Pearl Harbor" let's just say Anything the "Nostalgia Critic" complained about him and Bay in his "Pearl Harbor" review is justified.  But not everything was great about there were signs of what would be how Michael Bay would make movies and what would become formulaic and what would get scrapped. I kid you not the only reason ONLY reason I think Bruce Willis saved Ben Affleck was because Michael Bay said so. The reason things got so bananas in the drilling on the asteroid was because again Michael Bay said so. The reason we needed guns on those Armadillo driving things was because AGAIN Michael Bay said so. But with my gripes about this movie does it make me hate the movie? No! Because while we know how bad Bay got after this movie, to me this was Bay at his best because he was more tempered in how he handled things in movies. I'm not gonna lie and say everything about this movie wasn't schlocky but he put something he didn't in terms of The Transformers movies or any movie he made after this one which was effort in everything he did. If he had put the same effort in the Transformers movies and better casting choices yeah I'm talking about both Shia LaBeouf & Megan Fox his newer movies wouldn't be as hated by everyone. So for this one time I give Michael Bay his due. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and now I have to watch a movie I never thought I would. Pray for me people. Pray for me!

In Defense of Vanilla Ice's appearance in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 The Secret Of The Ooze

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)

I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..." (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  appear to the left of James. Then cuts back to James doing a voice over Michael Bay's produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)

TLOTA (Voice over): By the time this editorial is out Michael Bay's abomination of a movie calling itself Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will have been released and if it has bombed miserably it would be a sign that film making in America is rapidly making a comeback. If it has succeeded then Congratulations you have helped perpetuate bad movie making AND killed another local movie theater because before Michael Bay's movies were in my hometown of Sullivan County New York there were three theaters that were in good local driving distances. Now all three are dead and I have to drive an hour and a half to either Middletown or elsewhere in Orange County New York just to see a movie. THANK YOU MICHAEL BAY VERY FUCKING LITTLE FOR MAKING IT EVEN HARDER TO WATCH A MOVIE! (Cut to James Physically taking a deep cleansing breath in and out.) But outside of my inability to travel to a decent location, my sense of taste in cinema and my willingness rather spend my money on a copy of Quest Seekers: The Wyrmstone for my Kindle Fire. I know why a lot of people wouldn't either, Megan Fox. (Cut to photos from different movies Megan Fox was in while James does a voice over)

TLOTA(voice over): Trust me, Megan Fox that VD carrying, hack actor marrying loathsome she devil of a witch who can't out act a drug fueled Lindsay Lohan in "Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen" is a bad casting choice but then again when I looked at who they casted in the Original three Live Action films I watched when I was younger a lot of decisions weren't good by today's standards. I mean if you recasted the actress from the first movie with another in today's world the internet would be asking for the casting director's hide on a stick. (Cut to James Physically) But one casting choice back then that would make people go Bat Shit Crazy today is hiring Vanilla Ice to be in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. (Cut to footage of Vanilla Ice in TMNT 2: Secret Of The Ooze while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA(voice over): But I do understand why he was casted to be in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze". He was a popular musician at the time and they needed someone who can bring the younger audience and by today's standards the producers of this movie would be crucified. But I think I know the reason he was brought in from a Story perspective. (Cut to James physically) Before I begin, I should warn there are Spoilers as to the movie's climax, if you haven't seen the movie, I apologize. Having said that let's find out Why Vanilla Ice was in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze". (Cut to the footage as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA(Voice over): In the scene before hand we saw the Turtles trying to feed the mutants Tokka & Rahzar anti-mutagen when the two discover the anti-mutagen and proceed to make our heroes into turtle soup when they're thrown into a club where Vanilla Ice is filming a video. But the crowd finds themselves looking at the Ninja Turtles taking on Tokka & Rahzar  and Vanilla Ice sees the crowd looking at the situation he has to get them out of danger but keeping them calm. So Ice decided to be the distraction by assessing the what's going on around and coming up on the fly with "Ninja Rap" to not only get people looking at him and hopefully get the crowd out the door. Was he successful as a distraction so our heroes could fight Tokka & Rahzar? Well, he was able to get the crowd to stop looking at the Turtles so they could stop Tokka & Rahzar so in that respect he was doing something heroic and it is there I do tip my hat off to him. But he did kind of screw up where it came to getting the crowd out of harm's way because the Shredder does come in after Tatsu and the Foot were defeated and Tokka & Rahzar were rendered inert and when Ice saw Shredder he thought "Leave that crazy thing to those Turtles, they'll need all the luck they can get. I've done my part." and in my opinion discretion is the better part of valor and got out of the situation. (Cut to James Physically) But does Vanilla Ice deserve the ridicule for being in this movie? NO! (Cut to the footage as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): I understand that Vanilla Ice is not seen by many as a legend in the music realm. I get it! He was a joke to look at but the fact he sold a ton of records and actually topped the charts means people did listen to him at one point. But he should also get a bit of respect for what he did in terms of the story of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze" he was able to stand along side the Ninja Turtles as a hero in his own right. (Cut to James physically) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion.