Nine years and "The Quest" continues

(The scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Nine Years! Nine years I have waited for this moment! Nine Years I have waited for this exact moment! I am going to review for my ninth-year anniversary, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Static cuts James’ feed as it cuts to Linkara.)

Linkara:
Okay James, let’s do this! Now the people who produced this movie were not the Salkinds even though they were credited as the creators, that was it. As you said best in your Jay & Silent Bob Reboot review I have more involvement in the Power Rangers Franchise than Saban does and Alexander and Ilya Salkind had about as much to do with Superman IV The Quest For Peace! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Linkara. (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
And Christopher Reeve’s involvement had to come with an assurance that Golan-Globus’ Cannon films, the people who actually made this movie, would finance a project he wanted to do which was called Street Smart which was Morgan Freeman’s big break! The only reason Margot Kidder and the rest of the cast returned including Gene Hackman was because the relationship was so bitter and contentious between the cast and the Salkinds over the firing of Richard Donner during Superman II’s Production that they’d rather have done a Superman movie produced by Uwe Boll than with the Salkinds again! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Linkara! (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
And after the disappointments that happened with Superman III and Supergirl The Movie Alexander and Ilya Salkind were tired and sold the movie rights for an option to Cannon Films who slashed the budget from Thirty-Seven Million Dollars to about half of it and most of what was left went into settling lawsuits and the other half went into making the Masters Of The Universe movie. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
LINKARA! (Cut to a surprised Linkara)

Linkara:
What?! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What are you doing? (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
I’m giving the pertinent information about Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! I have been the go-to guy for this type of information! I have been the go-to guy for a team-up review on Superman IV: The Quest For Peace for a long time! So, with that in mind, let me do what I need to do before we talk about this turkey! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I appreciate the help, I truly do! However, I already know every single detail about this movie! I did not say I was doing this as a team-up review! I am going to take Superman IV: The Quest For Peace on as a movie that I know a lot about! I am going to talk about this movie on my own! Besides who asked you to come on and review this movie with me. (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
Well, I got an E-Mail from Chad Narducci who had seen me and Allison Pregler review this movie for her series Movie Nights and my Atop The Fourth Wall episode on the Comic Book Adaptation and told me to come on board! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Oy, I have avoided telling anyone this but it’s backstory time. Last year, after the fallout from the events at the end of my Wonder Woman 1984 review, Chad took majority ownership of my production company, First Choice Productions as retribution for the years he lost! This explains the God-awful Daytime Internet Talk Show idea which died a quick and painful death on YouTube. And he has more that he wants to do and I cannot stop him. I can run my series no problem, however, anything I want to do has to be approved by him!  Meaning the planned event, I had with you and your associates formerly from that site, is now on hold, indefinitely! (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
So this means I don’t have to work with you or go to your little Pissant Podunk county? Well then, SCREW YOU! I’M FREE! I’M FREE! (Linkara runs off-screen as clothes are tossed onto the futon!) 

Linkara (O.S.):
I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I AM NUDE AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM FREE!

Viga (O.S.):
LINKARA GET YOUR ASS SOME CLOTHES ON OR I SWEAR I WILL SHOVE THESE DOLLAR STORE BOOTLEG MY LITTLE PONY FIGURES IN YOUR PENIS AND I WILL YOU WAX YOUR BALLS MYSELF! (Cut to James looking very disturbed and shaking his head with a Blu-ulb-Blu!)

TLOTA:
Well, better get to it! (Cut to the title card of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace then clips to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes, the nail in the coffin that put Superman into the ground and off the big screen until 2006, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace is meant to be intellectual, purposeful, and topical. What happened was the opposite of its intent. It quickly dates itself, becomes irrelevant to the times, and dumbs down EVERYTHING about the Nuclear Arms race. But is there anything, and I MEAN ANYTHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT IN THIS NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP? (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Seeing as how Linkara tried to give relevant information about this movie that took time away from me reviewing this. I think we’re ready…

Viga (A.O.):
DO THE BACKSTORY! AS TO HOW WE GOT HERE!

TLOTA:
How did she do that?

(Cut to clips of the Superman movie franchise up to the point of Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1978, after fifteen years of being considered fodder for parody or jokes about a community that I would not make jokes about and basically seen as the least valuable part of the Superfriends cartoons. Alexander and Ilya Salkind produced the first great Comic Book Movie of our generation with Superman directed by the late Richard Donner and starring the late Christopher Reeve. However, tensions between the Salkinds and Donner during Superman’s productions caused Richard Donner to be fired in the middle of the production of Superman II. Replacing Donner with Richard Lester. Lester returned to the helm in Superman III and I sure as hell don’t have to tell you what happened with that movie. Then of course came Supergirl The Movie, end of that discussion. This leads us to this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now Without any further interruptions, any MORE cameos, ANYTHING ELSE CHAD WANTS TO THROW MY WAY! Let’s get to it, this is Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So the movie opens with credits done on the budget of a gallon of gas by today’s standards as… (“Censorship” is heard as it cuts to James’ team rushing to James’ office.)

Paulo Fonseca:
WHAT’S GOING ON?! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
IT’S THE SCHLOCK ALARM! I REALLY SET IT OFF THIS TIME! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
ORAC! SHUT THE SCHLOCK ALARM OFF RIGHT NOW! (The building shakes as the alarm shut off and everyone jumps and moves a bit) Now, what are you reviewing? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
The one where Superman tried Nuclear Disarmament for altruistic reasons? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yep! (Cut to the team as they shudder in fear and begin praying as Chad comes rushing in screaming “Everything is fine! Just called 911, Everybody except James evacuate the…”)

Chad Narducci:
What? Didn’t you guys hear the fire alarm?

John Ross Santos:
It wasn’t a fire alarm! It was… (Cut to James as he struggles with the headache outside the studio building and is talking to the chief of the fire department played by Corby Coney)

TLOTA:
An alarm meant to go off when I reach a level of film known as Schlock!

Chief Of The Fire Department:
Do you realize the severity of this type of prank?

TLOTA:
It’s not a prank! My associate Chad Narducci heard the Schlock Alarm go off as I began to review Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! He mistook it for a fire alarm and then called you guys! I did not mean for this to happen. I know a false alarm prevents you from doing your job correctly and I wish to apologize by helping out at your next fundraising event to pay penance for my associate’s mistake! 

Chief Of The Fire Department:
Well, I am glad you understand the ramifications of what has happened and I accept your volunteering request.  (Cut to James in his office as he sits and sighs.)

TLOTA:
Okay, with that misadventure out of the way, I know why the Alarm went off! It was because of the people who did produce this movie Golan-Globus’ Cannon Films! (Cut to stills of mom & pop video rental stores of the 1990s as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In the 1980s and 1990s, video rental stores were booming! Most of the mom-and-pop video rental stores had their fare like Family Films, Comedy, Drama, Etc. However, a lot of these rentals were expensive and there was a need to fill in when they couldn’t afford the bigger-name movies. So, they had to have their shelves filled with what they could get! And this is where Golan-Globus’ Cannon films became Cannon Fodder and filler in these stores and because they were made so cheap, they could and unfortunately put a lot of the Video Rental Store out of Business and of course, the advent and instant evolution of the Internet didn’t help Video Rentals. But still, I actually decided to look up Cannon Films on Amazon Prime and the movies are as cheap as they were when they were Physically rentable! So even now they curse film fanatics! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Hence the Schlock Alarm! Perfect reminder if you find yourself watching movies so horrible that you’d rather be outside! Now onto business. (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off in the depths of space as Cosmonauts are working on a Satellite when Space Debris sets off a whole lot of problems when Superman, once again played by Christopher Reeve, flies in to rescue one of the Cosmonauts. Oh and get used to the shot of Superman zooming to the camera. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And guess what, during the time me and my team were watching this movie, we had a drinking game! The results… (Cut to James and everyone on Team TLOTA feeling like they went fifteen rounds with the Heavyweight Champion Boxing Champion and they lost. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman does his bit as his cape flaps in the vacuum of space and speaks in Russian space! This is going to be the longest hour and a half I’m going to be going through, even longer than Science Boy’s High School Reunion! We soon find Clark in Smallville getting the farm ready to be put on the market because, for those who remember, Ma…Kent bit the dust in III. While going through the barn, he comes upon the ship that brought him here to Earth, where he finds a green power crystal to be used as a McGuffin later on. The Real Estate agent tells Clark that there is a deal to buy the land sight unseen. However, Clark stands firm and tells the guy, Unless the person buying the land is a farmer, it’s not for sale. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well What a Coinkidink, there is an offer by A Family who wants to use the land for farming. The husband’s name is Clark, the Wife’s Name is Lois, and there are twin boys named Jonathan and Jordan and their last names are Kent. How about that? (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that happens Lex Luthor, once again performed by Gene Hackman, is still imprisoned when we come upon Lenny Luthor, played by Jon Cryer. Lenny soon distracts the guards to help his Uncle Lex break out. And because he’s got a one-track mind, guess what his plan is… (Show clip of Lex and Lenny saying “Destroy Superman” Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says "Oh, Of Course!" & Robert Wagner in Goldmember as he says “Oy Gevalt!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) We soon find ourselves in Metropolis as Clark misses the train as Lois is practicing her French when the Subway driver has a coronary! Superman thankfully stops the train. (Show clip of Superman as he tells the crowd that the rail system is the safest way to travel. Cut to the two clips of Superman as portrayed by both Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh as they say that Flying is still the safest way to travel. Cut to James as he nurses a headache.)

TLOTA:
This movie is giving me flashbacks to movies I have reviewed already, not a good sign for me! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Clark makes it to the Daily Planet just in time to meet the new owners of the venerated newspaper. David Warfield played by Sam Wanamaker and his daughter Lacy played by Mariel Hemmingway. Perry White played by the late Jackie Cooper tells the new owners that they’re nuts if they’re going to turn the Daily Planet into a toilet paper tabloid! And immediately Lacy is smitten with Clark as he tells her truth about journalism 101. (Show clip of Clark telling Lacy about Journalism, and Lois and Lacy talking about Clark and Lacy saying “I’m very, very rich!”. Cut to the Justice League movie clip of Barry Allen as he asks Bruce Wayne what his superpower is and Bruce responds with “I’m Rich”. Cut to James as he pulls out a bottle of Martinelli’s then tosses it for a bottle of Ginger Beer! Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, we soon hear about a peace summit failing and the United States must be second to none in the Nuclear Arms race. It’s here we meet Jeremy in his class as his teacher tries to console the class and Jeremy says there’s only one person who he thinks everyone should write to in order to end the Nuclear Arms Race. (Cut to Jeremy as he says “Superman” then the transition to the Superman exhibit at a museum as James continues his voiceover.) So, after that surprisingly good transition to this moment. Lex and Lenny grab a hair follicle that Superman had donated to the exhibit that can lift a half a ton to make some genetic silly putty. Even though the plan makes no sense on any level because the genetic material for DNA is in the root of the Follicle and it doesn’t hold water to make genetic material out of a hair. And even though it is capable to hold a thousand pounds, it’s not impervious to bolt cutters! The next day Lacy continues to seduce Clark with a new series of articles called “Metropolis After Dark” and as that goes on Lois hands Clark the letter from Jeremy about how Superman is the only hope to stop us from winding up nuked! Feeling unsure what to do he consults the Elders of Krypton! (Show clip of the Elders of Krypton as they try to consult Superman even telling him to leave Earth because if they put their faith in him, he will be teaching them to be betrayed. Cut to James as he walks out of his office. Cut to the Fortress of Solitude just as The Elders of Krypton played by Eric Kurtzke and Ed Champion start to fade.)

TLOTA:
Excuse me, but you guys were supposedly the smartest people on Krypton. (Cut to the Elders)

Elder #1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
That is true. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
If that was the case, why in the hell didn’t you numbskulls listen to Jor-El! (Cut to the Elders)

TLOTA (Audio Only):
He knew the planet didn’t have long to live! So why in the name of Rao didn’t you say to him “Okay, we’ll listen to your wild idea to protect us, go to the Phantom Zone, then once Kal-El or as he is known as Superman here on earth is old enough, he’ll release us, hopefully. (Cut to James as he continues on.)

TLOTA:
Sure, it would be a tough transition, but you know what your people would’ve survived much better than basically being destroyed! (Cut to The Elders as they try to speak to one another and try to come up with an answer.)

Elder #1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
You see what you have done Kal-El! This mere human has been taught to expect betrayal!

Elder #2 (Played by Ed Champion):
Betrayed! Betrayed! Betrayed! BEEEETRAAAYED! (Cut to James as the two fade away.)

TLOTA:
Play the clip! (Show clip of Robert Wagner in Goldmember as he says “Oy Gevalt!”. Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Clark then decides to ask Lois what he should do after ripping off the romantic flying scene the two had from the first two movies and after the advice gives her the memory-erasing kiss again. How long that will last? I don’t know if it will. But after all that, it’s here we talk about this moment! A moment every internet reviewer that has seen this movie and reviewed this movie in one way or another has ripped to shreds! (Cut to Superman telling the United Nations that the Earth is his home too and has made the decision that the Governments are unwilling to do and he volunteers to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons! Cut to James in his office as he contacts Linkara once again fully clothed and having an ice pack on his schnuts!)

Linkara:
What do you want?!

TLOTA:
To explain Superman’s motivations behind his decision to be proactive in Nuclear Disarmament! (Cut to the clips of Superman ridding our planet of nuclear weapons as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
You said in your comic book adaptation of this movie and in your crossover with Allison Pregler that he should’ve been under the influence of some sort of Kryptonite to be acting the way he is in this movie, to which I call Bullshit! Christopher Reeve, who helped write the script, had altruistic reasons to make this Superman movie by volunteering the character to become a diplomat and saying that he is Volunteering to remove the nuclear weapons only to those that are willing to disarmament. If say Israeli forces say to Superman “We need our weapons! We are surrounded everywhere.” Superman is NOT going to say “Well you’re boned, good luck without your nuclear weapons!”. He will leave them to their own devices. Besides if Superman is doing this, he’s willingly trying to help humanity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And… (Cut to Team TLOTA as they say “To Be Fair” in the same way Letterkenny does it. Cut to James) I would rather have an altruistic Superman saying he is willing to help in the peace process than say this… (Cut to the Injustice clip in which Superman tells the U.N. that this planet will be at peace now or I will destroy those who stand in my way! Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Anything you want to say for rebuttal? (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
It’s worth getting my balls waxed not to be a part of this review! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman begins his altruistic and noble endeavor to get rid of the nuclear weapons and his plan is to collect them all and toss them into the sun! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I await climate change proponents who say that is a smart idea! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that is happening, Lex Luthor brings in black market nuclear arms dealers to tell them his plan to stop Superman. He plans on using a box containing the protoplasm made from the cells and a few swatches of fabric and a built-in computer will make a suit for his creation. The missile is tossed into the sun and Nuclear Man played by Mark Pillow is born! Literally, he’s born and grows into an instant adult. One other thing, he’s voiced by Gene Hackman! And I also have to feel sorry for Pillow. The movie premiered in London and he was the only person dressed in his character as he had to come face to face with Princess Diana dressed as Nuclear Man! But enough drama and pathos, we have ourselves a comedy scenario with Lacy and Clark as they try to work out at a trendy gym! I should sue the producers of this movie for whiplash! Nuclear man makes his way to Lex’s penthouse as WAIT A SECOND! (Record scratches as the scene stops at Lenny as he is playing on the NES.) IS THAT A NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM? WITH A ROB THE ROBOT? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
ORAC, get me someone who was in this movie and is still active in entertainment! (Static cuts to Jon Cryer as he grabs some Coffee.)

Jon Cryer:
Hi, who is this and how can I be of assistance! (Cut to a very surprised James)

TLOTA:
Ladies and gentlemen, the man himself, Jon Cryer! (Cut to Jon Cryer as he accepts applause from everyone. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Glad you could be here, I am an internet reviewer, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I am reviewing a movie that features you and the first publicly known usage of a Nintendo Entertainment System on film. (Cut to Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
I am in a movie that has the first known usage of a Nintendo on film! How about that? Which movie of mine was that? (Cut to a very nervous James)

TLOTA:
You know! That movie! (Cut to a slowly getting angry Jon Cryer.)

Jon Cryer:
Which movie, James? (Cut to the nervous James who is sweating Kryptonite Bullets)

TLOTA:
You remember (James blubs the title of the movie. Cut to a confused Jon Cryer.)

Jon Cryer:
What did you say the movie’s title was? (Cut to James as he prepares to crap Kryptonite Bricks and blubs the title.)

TLOTA:
You remember, the movie where (James blubs and speaks in tongues trying to avoid saying the movie’s plot and characters, and tosses in him doing the Bundy “Honk-Honk”, “Caa-Caa, Doo-Doo, Poo-Poo!” & “PEE-PEE!” and chuckling idiotically. Cut to a very confused Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
Okay, I am according to the signal tracker app on my phone I am near where you are, I will be there momentarily and maybe you will be able to tell me what it is you're reviewing. (Jon Cryer walks away. Cut to a very relieved James)

TLOTA:
Phew! If he knew I was reviewing Superman IV: The Quest For Peace… (Cut to Jon Cryer who overheard James say the movie’s title.)

Jon Cryer (Angered):
HA! I knew you’d slip up! God FUCKING DAMN IT! Every single time I think it’s dead, Boom! Another one of you internet reviewers is harping on my performance as Lenny! Always making me the butt of the joke! ALWAYS MAKING ME SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF YOUR VENOM! I HAVE HAD MORE OF A CAREER THAN ANY OF YOU NUMBNUTS EVER HAD! I CARRIED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ASHTON FRICKING KUTCHER FOR A TOTAL OF TWELVE YEARS ON TWO AND A HALF MEN! I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY MOVIES AND TV SHOWS! I WAS LEX GOD DAMNED LUTHOR ON Melissa Benoist’s SUPERGIRL SERIES. BUT WHAT DOES EVERYONE GO BACK TO? EITHER DUCKIE FROM PRETTY IN PINK, which I don’t mind. OR THE ETERNALLY FLAMING TURD THAT CAN NEVER GO AWAY THAT YOU AND EVERYONE OF YOUR BRETHREN SEEM TO JUST NEVER WANT TO FORGET! And if that is the case, I am going to find you and as Lenny said best “YOU’RE GONNA GET IT!” (Jon Cryer walks away angrily! Cut to a very confused James)

TLOTA:
I just got threatened by Jon Cryer! I don’t know whether or not to accept it as a compliment or be scared that I may have made him crack and now he is going to kill people to get to me. I have a headache!

(James sits there nursing his headache as the scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nuclear Man makes it to Lex’s penthouse and as he threatens Lex and has the one thought of destroying Superman on his mind, we discover that without the Sun he’s about as useful as Gosei was in Power Rangers Megaforce/ Super Megaforce! And again, there are moments in which Nuclear Man is not in direct sunlight and he is still fine!  However, we soon find more unbearable comedic moments as Lois tries to interview Superman while Lacy tries to continue her attempts to get into Clark’s pants. And while it started off kind of funny, it was forcing itself just by trying too hard to be classic slap shtick! What breaks it up, thankfully is Lex’s communique as Superman meets Lex and Lenny as the two introduce Superman to Nuclear Man. The two have a fight around the world and their first stop is the Great Wall Of China where Superman uses Wall Repair Vision to fix the mess they make, how and when Superman has this ability, I don’t know and I don’t want to know! Then they go to Italy as Nuclear Man sets off a Friggin’ Volcano! Someone save The Pope! And just to show how they’re taking science behind the woodshed and beating it to death with an Aluminum Baseball Bat, Superman chops off a mountain, plugs the Volcano THEN uses his Ice Breath to freeze the possibly still molten lava! Giorni come questo mi ricordano che la revisione de Internet `e pericolosa per la mia salute mentale! Their next stop is Metropolis as The Statue of Liberty is hoisted off its stand by Nuclear Man and used to attack Superman and it looks like it was done for about a couple of weeks' worth of Groceries by standards! Superman grabs the Statue and in his distracted state, Nuclear Man’s Wolverine-style nails scratch Superman and somehow that weakens him. Why you may ask? (Cut to the clip from Dinosaurs where the announcer says “Why ask why? Drink Alcohol! Nobody Likes A Thinker!” Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Tired of the Warfields’ chicanery and the headlines proclaiming Superman’s death, Lois in a fit of exhaustion acts the way the audience did when they saw this movie. (Show clip of Lacy trying to make nice with Lois as David Warfield tells Lacy to fire Lois and Clark and Lacy tells her dad to “STUFF IT!”  and Lacy asks earnestly if Clark is okay and Lois walks away. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I forgot Lacy had some development from where she was in the beginning of this turkey!

(Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Still feeling the effects of the attack, Clark tries to recuperate as Lois gives Clark the Cape Nuclear Man knocked off Superman in their brawl, meanwhile, Lex begins to swim in the green and tells his Black-Market associates, he’s taking over and firing them! However, one McGuffin Crystal usage later, Superman is recovered and Nuclear Man has a crush on Lacy! If you’re asking “Why?” again, I refer you to the Drink Alcohol moment from Dinosaurs! One pointless moment later, Nuclear Man is stopped as Superman shoves Nuclear Man into an elevator and drops the dude on the moon! Where the doors open slightly then this happens! (Show battle between Superman & Nuclear Man on the moon, intercut with James hanging out with his niece Vivian as he tells her about how to do a movie on the cheap like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, and the scene ending with Nuclear Man proclaiming a Victorious roar on the moon! Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nuclear Man arrives in The Daily Planet as Lacy tries to make her dad listen to reason about Journalism and takes her into space where she can comfortably breathe and exist! 

Vivian Lee Faraci (V.O.):
WHAT?!? (Cut to James and Vivian Lee Faraci)

Vivian Lee Faraci:
UNCLE JIMMY TELL ME THIS MOVIE IS TRYING TO BE FUNNY! I KNEW THAT A PERSON CAN SURVIVE IN SPACE WITHOUT A SPACESUIT WHEN I WAS THREE AND THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO! IF A NINE-YEAR-OLD LIKE ME CAN FIGURE THIS OUT THEN WHY CAN’T WRITERS IN HOLLYWOOD FIGURE IT OUT!

TLOTA:
Okay, you clearly have been hanging out with me too much, not that I don’t mind but, I think your mom would hang me by my tootsies if you started to act and sound like me! Let me finish this and we’ll go swimming, okay kiddo!

Vivian Lee Faraci:
Okay, Uncle Jimmy! (The two hug and kiss and Vivian walk away. Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, Superman has had enough and decides to MOVE THE FRIGGIN’ MOON OUT OF ORBIT TO BLOCK THE SUN! AT THIS POINT SCIENCE IS GETTING ITS LAST RITES! Superman then quickly gets Lacy out of space and drops Nuclear Man into a Nuclear Reactor finishing him off, Perry buys the outstanding shares that Warfield didn’t buy making him a minority shareholder and saving the Daily Planet. Then we get the other big speech from Superman about Peace. (Cut to the infamous clip of Superman as he says “And there will be peace. But there will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them!” Static cuts to Linkara.)

Linkara:
OKAY ASSHOLE! DEFEND THAT MOMENT! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
But I am literally moments away from being done! (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
You told me why Christopher Reeve turned Superman into a diplomat for trying to peacefully disarm the planet of nuclear weapons, then defend that moment, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Okay, You want me to defend that moment? Fine! (James inhales and exhales deeply before it cuts to a disclaimer which says “Due to Political Climates being red hot, James has decided to not to include the speech! Simply putting the blame on Governments as to why we are never going to get world peace in our lifetimes as they’re being controlled by special interest groups and their own ego as to find out who is Number one and who can rule us all!” Cut to a very shocked and catatonic Linkara. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Had enough logic overtaking you! (Cut to a very shocked and catatonic Linkara. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Thought so! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And with that Lex and Lenny are dealt with as Superman tells Lex he’ll see him in 20 years! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And when did Superman Returns come out? (James turns to his right as the Poster for Superman Returns pops up and the year 2006 appears on it!) Buddy, you must have been psychic! (Cut to clips of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And that was Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! And to be honest, it was bad! Was it the worst Superman movie ever made? That is still up for debate between this and if given a choice between Man Of Steel & the rest of the current DC Movie Crap and this movie, I’d take Quest For Peace over the next DC movie coming out! It is the cheapest and the shortest out of all of them, so in that regard, it is not the best movie DC has ever made. Does the science hold up? No! Does the moral of nuclear disarmament sound rational? Maybe to those who believe that nuclear weapons have made them feel uneasy. But when it’s not recycling itself, there is a decent movie about one man trying to help us make sure The Day After remains a TV Movie and not reality. But in good conscience, I cannot recommend this unless you want something on in the background while watching paint dry! (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at the door!)

TLOTA:
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am probably going to deal with one very pissed-off Jon Cryer! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion! (James walks to the front door as he stares down the barrel of a weapon from Melissa Benoist’s Supergirl series!)

Jon Cryer:
HELLO WABBIT! (Does an Elmer Fudd laugh! Cut to a very shit scared James.)

TLOTA:
Uh would it be possible to get a head start? I tried to avoid this situation at all costs! (Cut to Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
Did you think of not reviewing the movie? (Cut to a very shit scared James.)

TLOTA:
No, I kind of have to, it’s a thing, eventually, I have to review a movie that everyone else has! (Cut to Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
Well then, it sucks to be you! (A voice in the background calls out “Uncle Jimmy!” Cut to Vivian Lee Faraci in a bathing suit)

Vivian Lee Faraci:
You said once you were done working, we would go swimming! (Cut to James as he has turned to talk to his niece.)

TLOTA:
And we will, after I take care of this problem, Okay Lovebug! (Cut to Vivian Lee as Julia Alexa Miller is in a Bathing Suit and walks Vivian Lee to the pool. Cut to James as Jon Cryer pulls his weapon back.)

Jon Cryer:
And she is…

TLOTA:
My youngest niece, her father, God bless his soul, was my brother, passed away in 2019 and now I have been doing my best to be there like her father and take an interest and help keep her head on her shoulders though admittedly I am afraid that she might be picking up some of my bad habits!

Jon Cryer:
I WHOLLY Understand you see I am trying my best to be there for my kids and… WAIT A SECOND! I’VE GOT YOUR ASS TO KICK! SAY GOODBYE JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (James does a Moe Howard Eye poke and starts to run as James can barely outrun Jon Cryer as he initiates an Escape Route that eventually sends James to the SUNY Sullivan County Community College as he heads to the science lab and comes up with an environmentally friendly adhesive which is strong as Super Glue!) Wait until I get out of this! I’m going to make you sorry!

TLOTA:
SHUT UP! Do you know I have been regretting doing this! I have avoided it for years! I’ve had requests like nobody’s business! My business partner Chad said I had to do this movie otherwise he’d have cancelled me for lack of production on my end! You know what its like to be in between jobs for long stretches. 

Jon Cryer:
I also know how to make the most out of my royalties!

TLOTA:
Well, I don’t have that luxury! It’s either work or die!

Jon Cryer:
Didn’t think about it that way!

TLOTA:
And from what I’ve gathered, Sales of Superman IV The Quest For Peace and Melissa Benoist’s Supergirl go up every time one of us Internet Reviewers checks that movie out!

Jon Cryer:
Again, did not know that! So, what you’re saying is that without you riffing my bad works apart, then I would have less to have in royalties? And you get squat! Sucks to be you but I get where you come from! Okay, I will let you slide, this time! But the next time we meet, you better do a positive review of one of my movies!

TLOTA:
You got it! Now if you don’t mind, I have one lovely lady and a very awesome niece waiting for me in a pool at my studio. Care to join me, Alex and my niece? (Cut to Jon Cryer as he tries the surf pool as James, Alex and his niece swim around in the pool. Fade to black)

The Top Five "Good" Shia LaBeouf performances.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his Office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and…. (James Opens the Door to his office to the hallway outside) IT’S THE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY! (The Camera pans back to see the entire team with party streamers, Confetti before cutting to a fireworks and Ode To Joy play in the background before cutting to James and everyone in the hallway)

TLOTA: And guess what, It’s our first full original content for our new bosses at Manic Expression! So, this time we’ll let our audience choose the movie we should review. Should we… (Cut to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie currently in theaters as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): A) Recreate a movie while doing a review! (Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): B) Do a review of a movie everyone likes and I could recommend watching. (Less Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): C) Do a review of a movie no one likes and I like. (Even less Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Or D) Something involving Shia LaBeouf! (Wild applause and clapping is heard before cutting to James as he looks through the video library)

TLOTA: I knew you would make me do something featuring him. Now to pick out one that features Shia that doesn’t involve Crystal Skulls or Transformers so… (James scats silently until he finds what he’s looking for and Nick shouts FORE off screen and several DVD cover falls out of the library and James picks them up)

TLOTA: Okay so there are a few choices for me to chose from. So we're going to check out these five out and we'll see which one we can find the one we can get the most review material for.  (James hits play on the remote on the DVD player before cutting to black and the words "Five Movies Later" appear on-screen before cutting to everyone being carted off to the funny farm save for James.)

TLOTA: See you guys next month! So Yeah! I didn't think that they could handle five movies featuring Shia LaBeouf but after watching so many of his movies, who knew I'd find of all things five movies where he'd shine as a star?! (Cut to clips of Shia LaBeouf movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's not to say I'll ever fully like EVERYTHING in the movies he's in or say he's a good actor. The truth still remains he as an actor is HORRENDOUS! But if history is any indicator he'll be in the straight to DVD Z-Grade movies in a few years. (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: So it is with that in mind and I PRAY for forgiveness from the Cinema gods on this one with the Top 5 "Good" performances of... Just play the intro, I can't physically say it (Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the words The Top Five Good Performances of Shia LaBeouf before it fades away and the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five

5) Bobby

TLOTA (Voiceover): In this bio-pic of Bobby Kennedy Shia plays a character named Cooper who while on an acid trip was trying to assist Bobby Kennedy before his assassination in the Ambassador Hotel. While Critics ravaged the movie. I personally found the movie more engaging and more entertaining than Oliver Stone's JFK movie ever could be. Emilio Estevez shows he has the ability to make an awesome movie and in turn make Shia an actor. Who knew that was possible? But he was able to put out a good performance in a better movie that JFK. A good start to a good set of performances in this countdown.

(Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Holes

TLOTA (Voiceover): His first big project since Even Stevens ended. Shia plays Stanley Yelnats the fourth cursed with bad luck he's falsely arrested for stealing sneakers meant to be sold to charity and sentenced to a summer detention camp where they make the prisoners dig holes and anything they find gets them a day off. In the meanwhile Stanley befriends the ancestor of the person who cursed his entire family generations ago and through the course of the movie Shia's performance stands out in what could've been just another kiddie movie into one of Disney's good live action movies but that's not saying much. Most of Disney's Live Action Movies are hit or miss depending on which movies you like.

(Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) The Company You Keep

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shia plays a young reporter who discovers a well respected lawyer in Albany played by Robert Redford and the further Shia goes into the subject the further he sees how dark his subject's past is involving murder and domestic terrorism and believe it or not Shia LaBeouf can do something I never thought possible he underplayed his role and it worked towards Shia's performance. Not hurting the performance is the fact is Robert Redford produced and directed this movie so Shia probably had to straighten up and fly right and when he did that, Shia actually performed less like what we knew him for and actually found himself giving a decent performance.

(The sound of a brick hitting glass is heard before cutting to James physically as he looks out the window and the thought "PANTS TO BE DARKENED" is coming to his mind before turning to the audience)

TLOTA: And now I need to take a break because I think I hear an angry mob of my fellow Internet Reviewers...(The audio of Asalieri screaming "STRING HIM UP BY HIS PO-POS AND WHACK HIM LIKE A PINATA!" is heard) Okay I stand corrected it IS an angry mob of my fellow Internet Reviewers ready to put me out to pasture!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James shouts off screen "Alright I promise! Now please Disperse! Put away the Pitchforks, Torches, Shotguns and every other weapon you have!" before James returns his office)

TLOTA: Okay, now that I have avoided an internet lynching and public bobitizing let's get back to work!

(Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two

2) "Just Do It"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, this internet video of him ranting and raving about doing something, ANYTHING you want to is actually as far as I'm concerned is one of his better performances. He tries to sound try to hardcore but dude the guy is funny. Possibly better than his daytime Emmy award winning award winning role of Louis Stevens. He went so far off the rails he actually got me a smile is actually worthy of being worthy of being good enough to be put on this list so give a watch and (Shia shouts "JUST DO IT!" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, Fine! Let's get to...  

(Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Number one "Good" performance of Shia LaBeouf is...

1) The Greatest Game Ever Played

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shia LaBeouf plays Francis Ouimet the first amateur golfer to win the U.S. Open in 1913 and he had to face it while everyone looked at him as trash for not being a rich person to play. You see Golf was different back in 1913 and how do I know this? I had help guess who watched this movie with me?!

(Cut to Nick and Rebecca Yaun talking about Golf and the facts about Francis Ouimet as James nods and writes down the notes from the movie and then Nick and Rebecca adding more notes before James' seat in the couch collapses and the couch folds in on itself and launching Nick towards the back room and Rebecca towards the front door and all three say "Ow!" before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What surprised me was that Shia actually put that manic energy instead of acting like a over hyper active four year old partly due to the late Bill Paxton directing this one. I guess he was able to connect to Shia and made him able to focus on putting a good performance and it shows! He actually connected to audiences and critics. He did so good even I'll admit he put out a Good enough of a performance to make it the Number one "Good" Performance of Shia LaBeouf's career. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And those are the only Good performances of Shia LaBeouf and after four years I think I've tapped the Shia LaBeouf well dry and I think that might be a good thing! (Cut to past clips of James talking about Shia LaBeouf as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Because honestly while I'll never believe he can earn an academy award for his acting. Talking about what has now been considered a dead horse for a while can be grueling and believe it or not I don't hate the guy personally his movies can be a chore to get through and while I hope he eventually does learn how to fully act, I'm not gonna hold my breath as I move forward  in my career. But for now, Shia whatever you do in your life PLEASE do it well enough that it doesn't involve Hollywood for a while anyways. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! (Cut to James as he's working on the next review as Rebecca Yaun knocks on his door.)

TLOTA: It's open Rebecca! (Cut to Rebecca as she opens the door and sits down in front of James.)

Rebecca Yaun: How did you know it was me?

TLOTA: Well you, Olivia and Brenda are the only ones who knock. Listen, I've been hearing from a couple of others that you might be well no other way of saying it Jealous of Felicia.

Rebecca Yaun: I'm not jealous of her. I'm worried for you. The first time you were in a relationship it didn't end well, the second time, Heck every relationship ended for you in heartbreak! I just didn't want it to happen to you again. Now you obsess over her, that letter behind you and I am afraid for you.

TLOTA: Rebecca, I have parents and siblings who are disapproving of me and Felicia. The last thing I need are my friends acting the same.

Rebecca Yaun: But what exactly do you know about her? Nothing... AT ALL! You don't even know her last name, how old she is, who she is as a person, anything. For all you know she could be someone. James, all I'm asking is you take it slow, please! (Rebecca starts to walk away and James looks at the letter.)

TLOTA: She's had dreams. (Rebecca turns around)

Rebecca Yaun: Of What?

TLOTA: Water, Mermaids, and an Island.

Rebecca Yaun:  And you're thinking it's a sign. You are thinking Felicia is her.

TLOTA: I honestly don't know if it is her or not. Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it's not but I'm gonna play this one close to the chest. I have to, I'm getting on in years. You're married to Nick, Paulo is married to Brenda. The others... I try not to pry to far into everyone's lives but when I ask how are things with them, I mean well and I honestly do want to know what's going on with them but I try not to be too intrusive and try to keep out of their affairs unless they ask for my help. Otherwise, you know how I am.

Rebecca Yaun: And that's why I truly hope the best for you but I really am going to suggest you listen to us. We don't want to see you get hurt and when you get hurt, you dive into your work to numb the pain and when that happens everyone suffers. Please promise me that if it doesn't work out you'll find something else to fill in the time and we'll still do this and we keep it fun.

TLOTA: Okay, I promise. (James and Rebecca shake hands then hug on it and Rebecca walks out again.) Rebecca... (Rebecca turns around again) Thanks for looking out for me.

Rebecca Yaun: No problem. (Rebecca closes the door behind her as James goes back to work before James turns off the next review and James opens the picture of Felicia as the two are happy after going out for a dinner date at James' home as the two enjoy dinner and James has an inquisitive look on his face.)

TLOTA: ORAC, how long would it take before you could figure out if Felicia is her?

ORAC (Audio only): The exact time would be incalculable.

TLOTA: Well the second you do find out contact me. Even if I'm in the middle of a review.

ORAC (Audio only): Wouldn't it be considered bad etiquette to do so?

TLOTA: I'll check it out during the break. Otherwise start working on it. (James looks as the letter and Emmalina's amulet reacts to the photo of Felicia .) Who are you Felicia?  

A second anniversary that's less than "Full Throttle"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as “Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)

TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.

Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?

TLOTA: Yep

Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?

TLOTA: The same one

Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and Tommy Wiseau is the villain?

TLOTA: You bet.

John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?

TLOTA: Oh god yes

Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?

TLOTA: You are correct sir!

Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the Henchman?

TLOTA: Oh Yeah!

Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black and Alanis Morrissette?

TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely

Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?

TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!

Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies would’ve been a whole lot more different.

Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!

John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there paying off her Collegiate debts.

TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S. Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as business calls as they’re called in by who else?

Jason & Pete: Charlie

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not, repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit” and then cut to James)

TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the “Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future” movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation. Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.

Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)

TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check, getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are, protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain. I need a break to get my head on right.

Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)

TLOTA: Thank you!

John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review as clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun? (Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest, I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely fun ears shoe nose to”?  “I hot sue hey Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”? “Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge. Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a café she is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?

(Cut to the lobby)

John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.

Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.

Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!

Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?

Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a voiceover.)

Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying “Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)

Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.

Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side with you and so will Paulo.

Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.

Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)

TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the lobby.)

Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s “The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison, Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E! Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!

Dylan: She is SO fired!

TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go “Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)

Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)

John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)

John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John by his Ponytail)

Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones. Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of shite.

Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.

ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.

Sheamus: And it’s a shame.

Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea picks James up)

TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)

TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)

Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production but I gave him the slip.

TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster outside of James’ office)

TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)

Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?

Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke.)

The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!

The Day Of The Hero Part 6

(Scene cuts to Malcolm lying on the floor as the Duplecons as Tamara, President Baugh & Mara Wilson come in to see Duplecons transform into Duplicates of everyone in the room and even Chester A. Bum, Ask That Guy, Evilena, Mr. Zebub and even the Angry Video Game Nerd.)

President Baugh: Well, this is awkward.

President Baugh (D): So the solution is to do what?

President Baugh: Do something I never thought I had to. Engage final solution protocol.

Everyone else in the room: Final Solution Protocol?

President Baugh: If this vault was ever compromised I would do the only thing left to do. Blow us all to kingdom come. Sitting underneath us is twenty tons of dynamite. Though it may have looked like I set it off. The Nostalgia Critic's load was set one acre outside of Molossia this load will send us all to kingdom come and in three hours we all go kaboom! (Scene cuts to James carrying power cords to hook into the engines of the Exit Strategy. Meanwhile everyone else is adjusting the settings to adapt the Exit Strategy to James' time traveling device.)

E-Rod & Obscurus Lupa: That should do the trick.

TLOTA: Good work! E-Rod have JARVIS & ORAC amplify the frequency and signal strength to any communications device. We HAVE to get in touch within the X-Vault. Rowdy, Keep this sucker level!

Rowdy: What do you think I'm doing?! Playing Mario Kart?

TLOTA: Sorry.

(Scene cuts to the inside of the X-Vault)

TLOTA (Audio only) Calling those inside the X-Vault, I am James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, President Baugh, if you're listening, You destroy the vault & all of Molossia and this will not look good with any diplomatic advancements made between America & Molossia.

President Baugh: I'd rather wipe Molossia off the planet than have the technology be used in the wrong hands. (Scene cuts to the inside of the Exit Strategy.)

Hero: Baugh, listen it's easy to just simply do something because you have no other option. I'm currently in one myself but to destroy something because you're in a bind doesn't make things right.

ORAC: Alert all communications links have been severed.

Nostalgia Critic: Preservation Orbs. Spoony can these things be used open a portal?

Spoony: I guess.

TLOTA: Critic? What have you got cooking in your head? (Scene cuts to hours ago as Baugh is greeting everyone outside of Molossia when a phone rings and the oldest son picks up.)

Oldest son: Hello. (Cut to The Exit Strategy)

TLOTA: As soon as your father is done with showing the "No More" art piece take it to the X-Vault and BE CAREFUL. (Cut to the Oldest Son on the Phone.)

Oldest son: But how can you be on the phone when I saw you and your associates like seconds ago. (Cut to the Exit Strategy)

TLOTA: I've got a time traveling device.(Cut to the Oldest Son on the Phone.)

Oldest son: Okay. (Cut to the Exit Strategy)

TLOTA: Now that's done, all we have to do is...Find a way in. ORAC?

ORAC: I am currently finalizing the calculations, accessing temporal coordinates, locking in on Caliverti! (Scene cuts to everyone in Caliverti doing everything to get to the temporal nexus point where everyone pulls out a sonic screwdriver and slams a Viking through the glass pane in the "No More" art piece.)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm The Nostalgia Critic and I remember it so you don't have to.

Nash: Sorry about the Viking.

Lea Michele: And the mess.

TLOTA: Well, you've got one hour to come to a peaceful solution otherwise, none of us are getting out alive. (Uses Sonic Screwdriver to short out The Elevator.)

President Baugh: Well we can't agree how we all can get along in peace.

President Baugh (D): So what chance do you think none of us will leave in pieces!

TLOTA: Simple. All right guys phase two! (James and Everyone who is the real deal put on sunglasses save for President Baugh & The Duplecons.) One thing I like the most is a multi-tasker so...(All who hold a sonic screwdriver flip the other end up to pull out a neuralizer and all activate the neuralizer function.) All right you're going to shut down the Final Solution Protocol and come to an agreement that will last for ages and just once, everything goes right!

President Baugh (O/D): SHUT DOWN FINAL SOLUTION PROTOCOL!

President Baugh: So we've got some discussions to get through.

President Baugh(D): Indeed.

TLOTA: Well, that's one problem solved. The other ones are going to be less difficult, I hope.

Spoony: Hey despite the fact you and your friends consider me scum for making that joke to JesuOtaku, I handled the Mary Queen Of Scots thing already.

Linkara: That leaves him...(Show empty chair)

Linkara (Audio only): Where did he go? (Cut to the abandoned Farm House with the Apocalator ready to go and Hero knowing what is about to happen when a whoosh is heard as James' time device comes in and everyone comes in.)

Hero: When did you guys know?

Nostalgia Critic: When James nodded in sadness about Caliverti.

TLOTA: All this time we thought you were wrong and maybe it was for the best we forget you because we had to. But now we know you were in the ultimate no win situation.

Linkara: A Kobayashi Maru, Damned for every decision no matter what you did. This time, you don't have to do it alone.

Hero: You'll carry this burden as much as I'll have to.

TLOTA: Not really. After all we've been through. Do you think we'd help someone take the easy way out? Everyone, step back. (James pulls out the Sonic Screwdriver and shuts off the Apocalator.)

Conscience: Smart move.

Hero: What are you doing?

TLOTA: Showing you what you're going to stop. ORAC access the Holoprojector. (Holoprojector shows everyone the people running, including children intercut with everyone either looking at everything that's happening with sadness, anger or a mix of both.)

TLOTA (Audio only): These are the people, the people that we saved, the people who once looked upon us as their saviors and now you want to wipe them off the planet. I once thought that the name you choose is a promise you made to yourself. What was that promise?

Nostalgia Critic: To protect what was good and to destroy the bad.

Hero: To never act in cowardice or in vanity and always no matter what do what was right.

Linkara, Phelous, Sci-Fi Guy, Malcolm Ray, Tamara Chambers: To be loyal to ourselves and serve no masters

Rowdy, Film Brain, Luke Mochrie, Suede, 8-Bit Mickey, Bennett, Todd, Marzgurl, Lupa, & Everyone else: To protect all we can no matter the cost. (Holoprojector shuts off.)

Hero: But can we do, there are thousands of thousands of Vikings attacking

TLOTA: But they don't know we're here! (Hero laughs and everyone gets excited with Spoony shouting YES! repeatedly.)

Rowdy: James, I rarely say this but damn it man you are a genius!

Hero: No wonder I went through what I did. He didn't show me any future. He showed me the future I HAD TO SEE! (Laughing as everyone else has a confused look on their face.) MA-TI if you were a woman I'd kiss you! (Laughing as the Nostalgia Critic turns to face Hero)

Conscience: Yeah, even if I were a chick, you'd have no chance

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a second! Did you just say Ma-Ti?

Naya Rivera: So what is this ingenious plan?

Hero: Those Vikings are attacking from all sides. But with what we're going to do will get them to attack each other.

TLOTA: By moving Caliverti off the map. Putting it away in a parallel pocket dimension.

Rowdy: Protecting it

Linkara: Preserving it

Hero Like....A....PAINTING! (Everyone smiles as scene cuts to inside the war room.)

General Alonzo: What is it this time?

Soldier: Someone dropped this off. (Pulls out a preservation orb and it starts to glow as images appear all over the hall.)

TLOTA: General, I am James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans inside my time device with the Rowdy Reviewer. (Scene cuts to see James' time device flying then cuts back to General Alonzo.)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, myself, Linkara, and several others of our associates are onboard Comicron-One! (Scene cuts to exterior of Comicron-One flying then cuts back to General Alonzo.)

Hero: Hero here with Lea Michele, Naya Rivera & Chris Colfer onboard and flying in the Vigilant! (Scene cuts to the Vigilant flying then cuts back to General Alonzo.)

Blockbuster Buster: Greetings Caliverterians, I'm E-Rod & I'm The Blockbuster Buster and I'm onboard the USS Exit Strategy. (Scene cuts to the Exit Strategy flying then cuts back to General Alonzo.)

General Alonzo: What is the meaning of this?

TLOTA: We have a plan, I'm not sure it'll work but I'm confident enough to know it has to.

General Alonzo: What plan?

Nostalgia Critic: We're going to use a preservation orb and preserve Caliverti.

General Alonzo: Are you men mad? (Cuts to James inside his time device as Rowdy prepares the Preservation Orb calculation.)

General Alonzo(Audio only): Just why would you do this madness?

TLOTA: Because the alternative to this is to watch Caliverti be wiped off the map. (Cut to the Vigilant.)

Hero: I saw it. (Cut to James' time device)

TLOTA: And I vowed to your once Queen Emmalina never to see it happen, not as long as I live. (Cut to Comicron-One.)

Nimue: All ships are moving at equidistant intervals around Caliverti!

Linkara: Excellent.

Nostalgia Critic: Equidistant, such a big word. (Cut to the war room)

General Alonzo: We'd be lost in time forever. (Cut to James' time device)

General Alonzo (Audio only): We would have nothing.

Rowdy: YOU WOULD HAVE HOPE!

TLOTA: And right now that's the one thing you don't have! (Cut to the War room)

General Alonzo: This madness you talk about, it would take hundreds upon thousands of centuries to complete. (Cut to Comicron-One)

Film Brain: It would for the average person, but we got some help in that area. (Cut to the Vigilant)

Lea Michele: A LOT of help. (Cut to James' time machine.)

TLOTA: Two men in flying armor, A team of rogue figures, several captains of ships and Thirteen Doctors! (Scene cuts to outside of Caliverti as thirteen Tardises, the ships seen in the Star Trek universe, The Millennium Falcon, Iron Man & War Machine comes into view.)

12 (Audio only): Calling the council of Caliverti. (Switches to Peter Capaldi's eyes staring into the war room.) This is the 13 doctors. (Audio of Doctor Who, Star Trek, Star Wars, Iron Man & Superman franchises about how they're on their way is heard as everyone in the war room looks to see who is helping.)

Soldier: Sir, the invaders know something is happening, their ferocity is increasing. (Audio continues of those getting involved moving forward.)

General Alonzo: Do it, Do it now all of you. (Scene cuts to James' time device.)

General Alonzo (Audio only): DO IT!

TLOTA: Okay (Cut to The Vigilant, USS Exit Strategy & Comicron one)

TLOTA (Audio only): Everyone, let's do it! (Cut to James' time device.)

TLOTA: GERONIMO! (Scene cuts to Caliverti as James' time device flies over Caliverti)

Rowdy (Audio only): WAA-HOOOOO! (Cut to Comicron-One.)

Linkara: PUNCH

Nash: THAT

Nostalgia Critic: SHIT! (Cut to USS Exit Strategy.)

Blockbuster Buster: Allons-Y! (Cut to The Vigilant.)

Hero: For the fricking love of Peat Moss! CALIVERTI STANDS! (Preservation Orbs hum as scene cuts to a blinding white light surrounding Caliverti and an inward woosh is heard then a thunderous boom as a wave moves toward the camera as scene cuts to a museum where everyone looks at the "NO MORE" art piece.)

Rowdy: So the debate is still up for grabs as to what is the title to this thing is, I take it.

Spoony: What are the titles of this thing?

Nostalgia Critic: Either "No More" or "Caliverti Falls".

Spoony: Oh.

TLOTA: Do any of you guys think we made a difference?

Hero: I hope so. It's better to succeed in trying to do what was right, than failing and doing the wrong thing!

8 Bit Mickey: Hey guys we'd better get a move on it, The curator kind of wants the janitorial staff to clean the place up so we better get going soon.

Hero: I guess you're right there Mickey. I'd better be going myself and I hope all of you can be a little more like James & Rowdy. (James & Rowdy smile as Hero walks away waving goodbye and eventually coming to a field of grass as winds pick up and Hero watches his hands glow and his body become like sand.) Of course, Did everything I could. Here's hoping the next generation can do better than I can. (Hero's body continue to be reduced to sand while he smiles as scene cuts back to the Museum.)

Spoony: Well, Uh Dr. Insano has been dealt with, I have no need for a starship.

Blockbuster Buster: DIBS!

Spoony: Well, that was handled rather quickly. So you mind if some of us take back home.

Blockbuster Buster: Sure. Linkara, can drop the rest of the guys off.

Rowdy: I'm gonna hitch a ride with James.

Lea Michele: Me Too

Naya Rivera: Same here

Chris Colfer: Ditto

Nostalgia Critic: Linkara, give me five minutes and we'll roll.

Linkara: Sure. (Everyone else walk out as Lea Michele, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer, James & Rowdy look at the "No More" art piece)

Nostalgia Critic: So food for thought?

TLOTA: I could curate this piece. I'd be great at curating, I'd be "The Great Curator". Retire "The Last Of The Americans" persona and be the Curator of this piece.

Curator (Audio only): You know something, Curating art pieces is a fantastic job, but not everyone is cut out for it. (Everyone looks as the camera cuts to behind the Curator.)

TLOTA: I never forget someone truly fantastic. (Camera cuts to see the curator as portrayed by Christopher Eccleston)

Curator: I'm just that way I suppose and in the years to come, you'll meet more than your fair share of people like that. You were curious about this piece. President Kevin Baugh Of Molossia donated this piece for this museum. Tell me what do you make of the title?

TLOTA: Which one? There's two. "No More" & "Caliverti Falls" (Curator scoffs.)

Curator: Well, someone didn't see it the right way. It's all one title: "Caliverti Falls No More" so what do you think the title means, Eh?

TLOTA: That Caliverti didn't fall, We did it, Caliverti is still out there!

Curator: Well, I'm just a curator, I wouldn't know anything about what you're talking about.

TLOTA: Then where is it?

Curator: Good Question.

TLOTA: Yes.

Curator: Lost! Shhh! Perhaps everything does have a tendency to get lost. But you must excuse me, you guys will have a lot of work to do.

TLOTA: Really, I mean is that what I'm going to do go look for Caliverti again?

Curator: Perhaps or maybe perhaps it'll find you. If I were in your position. (Chuckles) If I were in your position or perhaps you were in my position. (Chuckles) or perhaps we're both in the same position. (James & The Curator Chuckle as Nostalgia Critic looks in shock, Rowdy has one thought on his mind & Lea, Naya & Chris Colfer are thinking the same thought.) Congratulations to you and your friends.

TLOTA: Thank you very much.

Curator: Or perhaps it doesn't matter either way. Who knows what will happen? Who Knows?

TLOTA: So, I guess we've got one more go around. What do you guys think?

Everyone else: No!

TLOTA: Oh come on tell me you guys haven't had some fun.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, screwing up the Time Space continuum finding and then just finding trouble. We're done!

TLOTA: C'mon Rowdy didn't you enjoy fighting for something bigger than yourself.

Rowdy: A little but I agree with the Critic. I'm done.

Naya Rivera: Besides you've got more important things to worry about.

Chris Colfer: Yeah, You're going back to reviewing.

TLOTA: Lea revive their sense of adventure.

Lea Michele: James Benjamin Faraci, we've got our own thing to do soon.

TLOTA: Aw Man.

Chris Colfer: Your middle name is Benjamin? I thought it would've been Adolf!

TLOTA: KNOCK IT OFF NOW! (Scene cuts to James looking around in his time device.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Lea asks if I dream of anything outside of her. "Of course I do" I reply. "What do I dream about?" she'll ask me and my reply is "Where we're going in life, the future." Lea laughs at that and says "We're going to be around for a long time, where we're going to go is anywhere we want to.". I believe that, I also believe in one thing: Hope. And now I have that and a destination. My journey now is no different than anyone else's, it's taken so much of my life but now I know what I have to do, where I want to go. A new home, the long way around. (Camera pulls back to see all of Channel Awesome, Rowdy C & everybody else)

(End credits roll with the following as credited Sets Desginged & Built by Jim Jarosz & Robert Faraci, Director Of  Photography: Ed Glaser, Special FX Supervisor Jim Troken, Main Theme by Michael “Skitch” Schiciano. Cast Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic/Chester A Bum/Ask That guy, Lindsay Ellis: Nostalgia Chick, Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara, Brad Jones: Cinema Snob, Todd Nathanson: Todd In The Shadows, Eric Rodriguez: E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster,Chris Lee Moore: Rowdy, Rebecca Fonsecca: Emmalina, James Faraci: James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, Bruce Campbell: Hero, Christopher Eccleston: Curator, Jill Bearup: Mary Queen Of Scots, Lea Michele: Lea Michele, Naya Rivera: Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer: Chris Colfer, Joe Vargas: Angry Joe, Matthew Buck: Film Brain, Phelan Porteous: Phelous, Allison Pregler: Obscurus Lupa, Nash Bozard: Nash, Bennett White: Bennett The Sage, Luke Mochrie: Luke Mochrie,  JewWario, Kaylyn Dicksion: Marzgurl, Leo Thompson: Sci-Fi Guy, Kyle Kallgren: Oancitizen, Brian Heinz: Priest, James Rolfe: Angry Video Game Nerd, Benjamin Daniel: Benzaie, William DuFresne: Suede, Rachael Tietz: Rachael, Malcolm Ray: Malcolm Ray, Tamara Chambers Noah Antweiller: Spoony, Bhargav Dronamraju: The Conscience. Then more crew credited Additional FX by Jim Troken, Andrew Dickman, Allen Stephens, Script Supervisors: James Faraci,Jillian Zurawski, Melissa Kent, CG Background & Opening Credits by Marek Wodzinski, Christy Romano’s Mermaid tail provided by The Mertailor Eric Ducharme, Mermaid Wranglers: Rob Walker, Melissa Kent, Jillian Zurawski, Matthew Buck & Eric Ducharme, Post Lighting effects by Rob Walker & Jim Troken, Props by Jim Jarosz, Justin Barnes, Terrence Dellinger, Ghostbusters Chicago Division, Additional Music from musicloops.com, Proscores, Kevin Macleod, Classical Pieces Special Thanks To We Shot First(Justin Barnes, Haley Barnes & Terrence Dellinger), Jim Jarosz, Ed Glaser, Rob Walker, Jillian Zurawski, Jamez & Carrie, Mike Michaud, Holly Christine Brown, Ghostbusters Chicago Division, Chris Lee Moore, Rebecca Fonsecca, James Faraci, Erin Walker, Robin Walker, Eric Ducharme, Everyone who worked their ASSES off in making this film. Thank You so VERY much for your dedication to this madness. Post End Credit scene of  Doctor Insano from first person perspective.)

 

Dr. Insano: D'oh, Where am I? Huh? What's this? (Pulls note off of his lab jacket) "You've become too much of a threat, so I decided it was best for you to be banished to 1560. If you hear Mary Queen Of Scots, Drink the formula on the ground in front of you. Good luck, God & Science speed. Spoony." OH SON OF A BITCH!

 

Mary Queen Of Scots(Audio only): My Love?

 

Dr. Insano: Crap, um, uh, Ah-Ha! (Opens the vial for the formula and camera shakes uncontrollably as a white light engulfs Dr. Insano and Mary Queen Of Scots finds Dr. Insano.)

 

Mary Queen Of Scots: Ah there you are, I've met this wonderful man, an Alchemist called Aeon he wishes to show us something he calls Science. Would that pique your interests? (Camera pans to see Dr. Insano looking and dressed like the painted image from the Art Vault.)

 

Dr. Insano: That would be a delightful idea, let us be on our way my dear. (The two walk back to the castle as the camera goes up to see the Castle of Mary Queen of Scots then cuts to black and Channel Awesome Mark Two closing credit.)