Top 10 Dumbest moments in the JAWS Movies

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and yeah even after my mental meltdown earlier this month, I'm still going just like a great white shark. Speaking of them, Have I ever said anything about the JAWS movies? (Cut to clips from all four of the "JAWS" movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And really there is a bit to like about all of them whether it's the original which had Roy Scheider as Chief Brody, Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper and Robert Shaw as Quint taking on a gigantic Great White Shark that would dwarf the longest dock in the fictional Amity Island, the first sequel that had the burned shark and Chief Brody dealing with PTSD from the firstshark attack, The laughable Three Dimensional effects, story and of course Dennis Quaid in JAWS 3D, then of course there is the ridiculously hilarious melodrama and of course Michael Caine in JAWS: The Revenge. All four sprung from the story by Peter Benchley about a great white shark that decides to territorialize itself to the fictional Amity Island where it is up to local Fisherman Quint, Police Chief Brody and Marine Biologist Hooper to stop the shark and today I'm going to count down ten of the dumbest moments from all four of these movies! There will be spoilers, laughs and other moments that'll leave you wondering what they were thinking when it came to the fate of poor Bruce! (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
So let's put the man in the cage, put the cage in the water, put the man in the water because the shark is in the water! Our shark and enjoy the top ten Dumbest moments from The JAWS movies! (Cut to an underwater scene as the John Williams "JAWS" theme as James says "Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! This is totally dumb!" as different dumb scenes from the JAWS movies play over the underwater scene only for the music to reach it's crescendo it cuts to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the words "The Top 10 Dumbest moments in the "JAWS" movies" appear then disappear and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) The title of "JAWS: The Revenge"

(Cut to "JAWS The Revenge" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Just what is the title about? Is it a relative of the shark that's getting revenge on the Brodys for what happened in the first three movies? Is it about Ellen Brody vowing revenge on the shark that killed Sean? I don't know! The title of the last movie makes no sense. (Cut to "Siskel & Ebert" review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as they talk about the title and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even Siskel and Ebert talked about how ridiculous the title is. (Show the Siskel & Ebert review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as they talk about how nonsensical the title is. Cut to "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
A dumb title that sank the movie franchise that made no sense and made people go back to the water.

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) How Quint buys it! in "JAWS"
(Cut to "JAWS" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
Don't get me wrong, I Love how Quint buys it it's very brutal but very kind of silly in a way! But I think the fact he foretold how the shark would attack him is ridiculous. On top of that how Quint died is kind of silly. The Shark attacks the ORCA taking out the stern end of the boat as Brody and Quint try to hide in the cabin as the shark sinks the boat! A loose oxygen tank pinches Quint's hand and he loses his grip sliding down the mouth and I'll let Quint say how the shark ends him. (Show the clip of Quint as to how a shark kills intercut to Quint's death. Cut to "JAWS" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Nothing left to say except what Chief Brody said apropos! 

(Cut to Chief Brody as he says "You're gonna need a bigger boat!". Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The aging of Michael and Sean Brody
(Cut to clips of the "JAWS" movies where Sean and Michael Brody are growing up as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Much like how in the "Rocky" movies when it comes to the aging of Rocky's kid, the aging of Michael and Sean Brody is wonky and makes no sense! In the first "JAWS" movie Sean is approximately 3-5 years old and Michael is 9-12 years old. Then in "JAWS 2" Michael is just a shave away from being out of High School and Sean is now a middle schooler roughly 7-9 years old. In "JAWS 3/3D" They're in their early twenties! and when "JAWS: The Revenge" happened Michael is in his late 20's early 30's and as for Sean! (Show clip of Sean Brody's death and James says "Never mind!". Cut to the two as they get older as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it's not as extremely dumb as say how Robert "Rocky Jr" Balboa got from an infant to a teen in the span of a few "Rocky"movies, it does take a leap of logic especially since according to the people who made "JAWS 2" that it happened not long AFTER the first movie! DOES TIME MOVE QUICKER IN MOVIES?! Not nearly the few years after the first one. Yeah it's a dumb thing to complain about but not as dumb as what we're going to be dealing with in the number 7 slot.

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) The Burned Shark from "JAWS 2" 
(Cut to every scene of "JAWS 2" with the burned shark as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
 Remember how "The Joker" in "Batman: The Dark Knight" constantly asked everyone how he got his scars? Well in the case of "JAWS 2", it's because a very dumb female boater after the shark killed a friend dumped gasoline on herself and the shark then fired a flair gun on the boat burning herself to death burning the shark and blowing the whole damned thing up straight to hell. What's crazier is the fact the burned shark survived to terrorize everyone, take a bite out of an Orca, subtle nod and killed more teens as if this was a slasher pic! WOW, there's jumping the shark then there's this!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Michael Caine's Magically drying shirt! from "JAWS: The Revenge"
(Cut to every scene with Michael Caine in "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Before I talk about the moment I first want to say this about Michael Caine, he was good in the movie but I REALLY feel sorry for anyone who see this as their first Michael Caine movie and while he freely admitted he never saw his performance in "JAWS: The Revenge" he was glad for the payday because it paid for a house apparently. And now let me set up the moment in which if Michael did see the movie would've raised Cain at how Universal did him wrong in the movie. Caine's character of Hoagie, Michael Brody played by Lance Guest and Jake played by Mario Van Peebles who probably bitch smacked the hell out of his agent for getting him in the movie are flying to rescue Ellen from her grief and of course the shark while the plane misses the shark and hits a hard water landing. Michael and Jake of course escape and it looks like Michael Caine is Shark Chow as he famously says "Oh...shit!" and apparently goes down with the plane. However in the next scene not only does he escape the Jaws of death he does so with his shirt freshly cleaned and dried! (Cut to the "Siskel and Ebert" Review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Again! I have to point out the Siskel & Ebert Review of this movie. It may just be one of the most honest moments about a movie the two have when it comes to A) How ridiculous it is and B) How stupid it is that they go for it with the right amount of ammo to take it down! (Show clip of the two of them talking at how the shirt is dry after he gets on the boat. Cut to Michael Caine in "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
A moment so ridiculous that I'll let Michael Caine say how I feel about it!

(Cut to Michael Caine as he says "Oh...shit!". Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

5) The usage of SeaWorld in "JAWS 3/ 3D"
(Cut to clips of Sea world in "JAWS 3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
How did Universal get SeaWorld to agree to them being in the movie? Was it because the first two movies were financially successful that Universal figured they had some leverage they could somehow convince one of the most well known Aquarium parks to film their movie there? I don't know but when I think of SeaWorld, I think Shamu, I think of the shows, the different fishes, I think of the trainers, the amazing wonders in the sea! I don't think of a Great White Shark Terrorizing patrons and said patrons, fish, trainers and wonders becoming shark chow! While it was nice to see that SeaWorld willingly promote themselves in something like this, I just think it'd be better for them to laugh at how stupid it was to have brought in the Great White Shark that haunted Amity Island!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) The disbelief of the Shark attacking from "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS 3/3D"

(Cut to clips of "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now while it was understandable to a point in the first one that if people are saying that there is a shark  in your waters and one man is willing to do this for a certain fee and you do so and close the beaches until it's safe. However by the time the second movie happens and your police chief says it's a shark, I think you take it seriously, even if he is under stress, has PTSD and is willing to do what is needed to save the town! Even in SeaWorld they've got a baby great white shark (Singing "Di Doo Di doo doo doo" and muttering to himself "Damn it!")  and when it dies on their watch you don't think Mama Shark is around for vengeance after her offspring is nearby? (Cut to clips of "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
This is where "JAWS The Revenge" gets a fair amount of credit when the characters discover the Shark in the Bahamas where believe it or not the Shark shouldn't survive, when it does come our heroes decide to keep it to themselves and not tell those who think they're nuts! But then again after three prior attempts to warn people about the shark coming falling on Deaf Ears, it's pretty much a case of Darwinism getting the win for having the shark chow down on the people!(Cut to clips of "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But to those in charge, next time you hear some say that there's a killer shark in the area listen to common sense and be responsible, close the beaches, take the shark out THEN try to salvage the summer, if you can! (Cut to the clip of Mayor Vaughn saying "I don't think either one of you are familiar with our problems." and Matt Hooper responds "Uh, I Think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you ON THE ASS!". Cut to James physically as he says Pretty Much! Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) The "3D" of "JAWS 3D"
(Cut to "JAWS 3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
I tried to watch the 3D Aspect of the movie and all it did was leave me further unimpressed by what was a rather unimpressive sequel to the first one. Even the death of Phillip FitzRoyce played by Simon MacCorkindale in 3D was boring and believe it or not FitzRoyce's death is the most implausible death in the history of the entirety of the franchise. Wanna know how FitzRoyce buys the aquarium? Instead of chomping down on the dude, the shark swallows FitzRoyce whole using the pressure of the body to crush the dude before he can use the grenade and thus sacrificing himself to get rid of the shark and the only indicator FitzRoyce is dead is the blood coming out of the shark's gill slits! Then of course there is the infamous slow, sloow, slooow, ssslloooowww moving attack of the shark to the central command center of SeaWorld! Just watch (Show the slow motion attack of the shark as everyone reacts then the glass breaks and the shark tries to attack and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This time the third dimension was the most boring of them all! I needed a bigger bottle of adrenaline to keep me awake watching this boring ass Shark fest!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) The Roaring Shark and Jake's survival from "JAWS The Revenge"

(Cut to clips of "JAWS The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is more towards the end of "JAWS The Revenge" so there are spoilers here. You have been warned. Okay so here's the scenario as it has been so far. The Shark nearly killed Thea Brody played by the late Judith Barsi. Leaving grief stricken Ellen to try and fight the shark on her own. After the aforementioned moment in which Michael, Jake and Hoagie and everything that happened in the number 6 spot happened and of course Hoagie's magically drying shirt. Jake and Michael decide to feed him a McGuffin device that supposedly sends electrical impulses to the inside of something and in this case it's the shark and while it appears Jake has bought the Aquarium. Michael has had enough and decided to fire Jake's McGuffin device and then... (Cut to the roaring shark scene).  You heard it here, The shark roars like a mix between a lion, Godzilla, King Kong, and a T-REX! Thus we have the start of the stupidity of the ending. As the shark buys it, It looks like Hoagie, Mike and Ellen kill the beast once and for all when as if by magic Jake survives his death sentence at the mouth of the shark. This is dumb but it also leads to what is at the number one spot!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And the Number one dumbest moment in the entirety of the JAWS franchise IS... (Cut to the endings of the all four of the movies as the shark meets it's fate and James does a voiceover)

1) The way the shark buys it!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
From which of the four movies? Take your pick because they all go out the same way! And the first movie's ending pretty much set up the precedent for the rest of the movies would go down! Here's the scenario by the point the ending is set up. Quint is dead, Hooper is indisposed possibly shark chow, The Orca is sinking like a rock and in comes the shark to come after Chief Brody when he decides to put a compressed air tank down the shark's mouth. Armed with a gun and a spear to try and kill the damned thing with the spear hoping to kill it that way, when the spear failed it was up to a gun and a prayer that he'd hit it in the right place and the shark would go kerblammo! And while yeah it was a feel good awesome moment, the Mythbusters Team demystified it, it also gave the producers a bar to see if they could top in a sequel. Which gave us a partly burned shark which looked bad after multiple viewings the shark got to ride the lightning which was the equivalent of blowing the shark up from the inside out but this time with electricity! JAWS 3/3D had the shark go boom thanks to a grenade in the hand of a dead Simon MacCorkindale character and because of the 3D we saw a pair of the Sharks Jaws pop out! Subtle! Then again the Shark goes kerboom in "JAWS The Revenge" HOW DID THE SHARK EXPLODE IN "JAWS THE REVENGE"?! WAS THE DEVICE THAT JAKE MADE HAD AN EXPLOSIVE IN IT? I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD'VE SHOCKED THE HELL OUT OF IT! However there is an alternate version of the ending out there where The Shark just gets stabbed and dies, demolishing the boat and the shark goes down to the bottom of the sea! But somehow people wanted the shark to go boom! It really does show how dumb these movies get. Even the late Peter Benchley found the exploding shark ending in the first movie to be preposterously stupid! So for those who think Jumping The Shark was what kills movies or TV Shows, I hate to say you're wrong but when you blow up the shark that kills anything is without question, THE SINGLE DUMBEST MOMENT IN ALL OF THE JAWS MOVIES! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any moments from The JAWS movies that missed the Darwin award, then let me know in the comments section below. As for my thoughts on the series as a whole. (Cut to clips of the JAWS movies as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
On a movie to movie basis I can say that everyone of them have ups and downs some a few more downs. The first one remains a classic because there was an emphasis on story, characters, action, adventure, the humorous moments what few there were, the score by John Williams, everything worked about the movie. The second one is a worthy continuation and a great popcorn slasher film if you're into that sort of thing. While a lot of the third and fourth movies made up a majority of this list, it depends on what your tastes are. Whether you're in the mood for something scary that becomes so silly or so caught up in it's own melodrama that it becomes a silly parody of the first one but with none of the originality. But if they're your cup of Shark Fin Soup then check them out and like them Dumb moments and all! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

"Birds" attacking me! "Prey" for me!

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house and he is in tears and continues to cry as he holds up the case for “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn”)

TLOTA (While crying):

Mommy! I don’t wanna watch movies anymore! (James continues to cry as it cuts to the title card of “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn” and clips of the movie as James continues to cry! Cut to the clip from MST3K of Joel and The Bots host segment “The Castle Of Fu Manchu” and they openly cry and breakdown. Cut to more clips of the movie as James continues to cry. Cut to James as he regains some of his composure.)

TLOTA:

Let’s not waste time, this… is… (James returns to crying as he tries to say, “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn”! James cries “NO!” repeatedly for five seconds. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

So the movie starts four years after The Suicide Squad defeated The Enchantress as we discover Harley Quinn once again played by Margot Robbie after The Joker gave her the boot as she gets over the loss. She moves with a Taiwanese Restauranteur by the name of Doc and cuts her hair and adopts a hyena and names it Bruce Wayne in addition, she’s into Roller Der… (Audio of James crying cuts James off. Cut to James physically as he continues to cry for a minute then regains what little composure he can have after the year he’s had)

TLOTA:

I’m sorry, it’s just that OY FRIGGIN GAVALT! I HATE THIS YEAR! LAST YEAR ENDED WITH ME SAYING GOODBYE TO MY OLDEST BROTHER BECAUSE HE DIED, THIS YEAR MY SISTER SUFFERS A PAIN THAT HURT ME, THIS VIRUS FORCED ME TO SEND MY TEAM HOME AND SHUT DOWN MY STUDIO, I HAD GREAT IDEAS FOR THIS YEAR WHICH I HAD TO CANCEL THEM. BUT WHAT DO I DO?! I DEAL WITH THE WORST IN MOVIES, THE WORST IN POP CULTURE AND NOW WITH THE WHOLE WORLD GETTING DUMBER! I HAVE TO SIT AND WATCH THE DECLINE OF THE ENTIRE PLANET ON A GOD DAMNED MOVIE! WHY AM I BEING MADE TO SUFFER EVERY GOD DAMNED SECOND? IS IT BECAUSE I’M A 2+2=4 COMMON SENSE PERSON? IS IT BECAUSE I’M SOMEONE ACCORDING TO THE MAINSTREAM NEWS A PART OF EVIL BECAUSE I SUPPORT COMMON SENSE AND DIPLOMACY? IS IT BECAUSE SO MANY IN MY PROFESSION ARE SEEING ME AS AN ASSHOLE AND NOT THE DECENT GUY THAT I AM! AND YET IN SPITE OF IT ALL, AFTER EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD I STILL DO MY DUTIES BECAUSE I’M JAMES FRIGGIN FARACI THE LAST OF THE GOD DAMNED FRIGGIN DECENT, INTELLIGENT, HARD WORKING AMERICANS! (James screams like a madman and collapses. James’ right hand raises up and he picks himself back off from the floor, sighs and fully regains his composure)

TLOTA:

You know, after that, I feel as if I might just get through this turkey! Let’s do it! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

One night, Harley is at a nightclub owned by Roman Sionis played by Ewan Mcgregor while in a very intoxicated state Harley cripples Roman’s driver after being an asshole to her. It’s while she’s at the club she meets Dinah Lance played by Jurnee Smollett-Bell who saves Harley from being abducted! Even after leaving The Joker she can’t keep herself from getting into trouble. But Roman decides to make Dinah his new driver just as Renee Montoya played by the awesome Rosie Perez continues looking for a mob murderer who uses crossbows to kill their prey and a bombing at the Ace Chemical treatment plant. Finding Harley’s Necklace at the bombing Montoya confronts Harley who admits she bombed the Chemical plant and fears that Harley is in danger. Montoya decides to go to the one person who can help, Dinah who promptly tells Montoya to take a hike on the proposal to become an informant on Sionis. Instead loaded on non-lethal grenade rounds Dinah and Victor Zsasz played by Chris Messina go looking for a diamond embedded in it is the account numbers for the Bertinelli Crime Family. However a young pickpocket by the name of Cassandra Cain takes the diamond and swallows it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

That’s gonna be rough on the digestive track! (James’ stomach churns) Speaking of digestive tracks mine has been kicking my ass. I need to poop and afterwards I’ll check out something in my palate cleansing then get back to the movie! I’ll be back! (Cut to James as he runs to the bathroom, the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he watches the 2002 TV Series “Birds Of Prey” on DVD)

TLOTA:

Yeah, I’m watching the “Birds Of Prey” tv series from 2002, I liked the show more than I do this movie! You got a problem with it, kiss my ass while I’m on the toilet! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

After escaping from Sionis, Harley and Cassandra decide to hide at Harley’s place just as Doc is approached as to who the “Crossbow Killer” is. Doc tells that it’s Helena Bertinelli otherwise known as “The Huntress” played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Doc sells the two out which leads to Harley’s apartment being blown to bits! Pissed as all get out, Harley contacts Roman for protection and to hand Cassandra to Roman. Dinah spills to Montoya about Roman’s plans but Zsasz finds out and tells Sionis who now dons his ritualistic “Black Mask”. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

You’re probably wondering why I’m not in a foaming frenzy about how comic inaccurate things are in the movie. Well everyone who is a comic book fan knows how inaccurate things are and here is the mentality the fans have towards Warner Bros. and DC’s Live Action Movie Division. (Cut to the MST3K Clip from “Attack Of The Eye Creatures” in which Joel and the bots say “THEY JUST DIDN’T CARE!”. Cut to James physically) And if the fans believe DC and Warners just don’t care then why should I get upset at their stupidity! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Harley makes it to the park as does Montoya but Montoya is taken out momentarily by Harley as Zsasz tranqs Harley, holds Dinah at Gunpoint and is killed by Helena. Harley wakes up just as Roman and his crew known as the False Face Society. However our makeshift group of heroes come together with Harley’s old gear to whoop ass and to be honest, this is so underwhelming that it bores me, even when Dinah unleashes her Canary Scream! Harley and Dinah go after Roman confronting him as he holds Cassandra Cain hostage on the pier at the park. However Cassandra pulls a ring that was in Roman’s Jacket that was connected to a grenade and well The Wind Up, The Pitch and Boom goes The Black Mask! After that, Montoya quits the force, joins with Dinah and Helena to become a vigilante group known as “The Birds Of Prey” funded by the money and the account number that was hidden inside the diamond and Harley and Cassandra go into the Contract Killing business. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

And of course we have our obligatory post credit scene! (Show Post credit scene of Harley about to reveal a secret about Batman but is cut off. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I just don’t care about what it was! This movie made it hard for me to care because it was so stupid I had to cry! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

“Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn” may just be one of those movies I wouldn’t recommend to my worst enemies to watch! It is so bad it’s on Cool Cat levels of bad, it’s almost as bad as the RVD Extreme Comedy Championship series! If a friend could come by and brought it with them, I guarantee not only would my friend be shown the door, they’d be shown the door with the movie shoved where the sun doesn’t shine! But then again what would I expect from DC’s latest Live Action Movies, but if what they’re saying about Wonder Woman 1984 and Flashpoint then maybe this will be the last time I have to deal with this horridness in my lifetime! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going heavy into my palate cleanse until later this month! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!

Connect The Plots: How DC had a shared universe and didn't capitalize on it

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, but thankfully I can still "Connect The Plots"!(Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to every single movie in the MCU and the recent DC Movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

With Marvel now officially the dominant Comic Book movie production company it seems that DC's movies are on life support and their recent movies haven't helped at all as they've been trying to play "Keeping Up With The Jonses" even though they claim "We're gonna do our own thing" it's clear that they're still fighting Marvel with every tactic they and the corporate execs with the charts, the graphs, the test audience scores they have and it's clear the tactics they have aren't working. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And believe it or not, they had the makings of a DC Movie Shared Universe with two movies that came out back to back! (Show title cards of "Batman Begins" & "Superman Returns", cut to clips of both movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These two like "Iron Man" & The other movies in the First Phase of The MCU could have been the starting point of DC's Connected Movie Universe, instead one went into a different direction and the other went by the wayside. But there is a linking moment that does happen and it happens in Superman Returns. I'll get to it in a moment.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For now, let's focus on where they could've started with Batman Begins! (Cut to Title Card of "Batman Begins" then clips of "Batman Begins" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It is here that this is where their movie universe could've started for all intent and purposes a reboot of "Batman" and it wasn't connected to the Batman 1989 and the movies and guess what they could've done anything to slowly start their connected universe. By having a character make a reference that while Bruce was gone twice as long as that a certain "Big Blue Boy Scout" had been gone. But that is where I would've made the reference and guess what then build and make the Batman up for the rest of the movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And here is where it goes in with Superman Returns and for those of you who have seen it, I will be talking about one scene in particular. (Cut to "Superman Returns" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
In the scene after Lex takes the Kryptonite at the Daily Planet people are excited at Superman's return and at one point Gotham is mentioned though briefly. No mention of Bruce Wayne or Batman which is a mistake in my opinion. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And also what was a mistake was releasing Superman Returns right after "Batman Begins", I have my reasons! Let me explain! (Cut to stills of other DC properties that got a movie before the DCEU and characters that should've gotten a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
To me they should've built up other heroes like Wonder Woman before the DCEU, Heroes like Green Lantern without having Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively in the role. Okay granted I wouldn't have casted Jack Black in there but still it would've been a good idea to have some unknown in terms of real acting like Mike "The Miz" Mizanin. An Aquaman movie which would been like the first Thor Movie but wouldn't have an exact duplicate of the first Thor movie, I would've also hired Joshua Jackson from "The Mighty Ducks" and "Dawson's Creek" as Barry Allen AKA The Flash and in his movie I would've gone through his origin and all that did happen in the first season of what would be the first season of The Flash series with Grant Gustin on the CW save for the season finale, then released "Superman Returns" and have Kevin Spacey's Lex Luthor be rescued by the villain of the "Aquaman" and build to a Justice League movie that wasn't a complete and total clusterbank to sit through. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However that never happened as "The Dark Knight" came out that killed any future DC Movies until the finale of The Christopher Nolan "Batman" movie series happened and we all know what happened afterwards with both DC and Marvel Movies. DC went downwards and Marvel went up until... (Show poster of "Avengers: Endgame" and the fact it bears on it "The No. 1 Highest Grossing Movie Ever!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Do I hope DC can truly capitalize on a Shared Movie Universe. Well if the stories of "Flashpoint" being the reboot so the DCEU can wipe out a lot of the crap that happened with the exception being that of the Wonder Woman movie, maybe, Just maybe DC can get back in the race. But for now... (Cut to clips of "Batman Begins" & "Superman Returns" as James does a brief voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I can say I enjoyed these movies for what they are and what they could've started if DC had pulled the trigger. If you think that there is some validity to what I'm talking about, check them out and see what should've been the start of the real DCEU! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to set up a palate cleanser list of tv series and movies to watch after what I have to deal with next month! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Superman and the Seven "Returns"

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and even though it is my Seventh Anniversary, for me, I have no reason to celebrate, I’m still stuck in Quarantine Lockdown, I’m dealing with even more hardships as with my luck, this will most likely be out in August, If I’m Lucky! (A Phone rings off screen) I’ll get it! (James walks off for two seconds.) Hello! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Finally it took forever to get some signal here, I’m running on Solar Generators but regardless, I have been getting my execs with the charts, graphs and test audiences to work on a script for a movie! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
First and only Question is Why? Don’t you know there’s a coronavirus quarantine that’s supposed to grind everything and everyone down to a halt! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Uninspired writing, talentless acting and hack directors cannot wait! Besides, me and my execs have after numerous rewrites after numerous test audience results have finally written out the plo… Oh! Never mind, more test audience results show they don’t like the plot. But we’ll get the first draft in eventually, then we’ll show you that creativity, artistry, a real plot or story or anything that goes into movies! (Cut to James as he hangs up the phone)

TLOTA:
I’m going to be crazy by the end of the year, I can see it coming! (A Phone rings off screen again and James walks away for two seconds) Hello! (Cut to a man named Steven played by Johnny Berchtold covered in milk and pea soup as an infant is crying in the background)

Steven:
Yes, my name is Steven and I am currently taking care of Mr. Bryan Singer. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I can hear from the background. (Cut to Steven as an infant is crying in the background)

Steven:
Apparently, he’s not too happy and is blaming the audience and the critics not getting what he wanted to do. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
With what, I’m afraid to ask. (Cut to Steven as an infant is crying in the background)

Steven:
A movie he made in 2006. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Oh well guess what, that happens to be the subject of my Seventh Anniversary Review! (Cut to Opening Title of “Superman Returns” as the John Ottman “Superman Returns” theme song plays in the foreground of the clips of “Superman Returns” and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yes folks, no matter how much we as Superman fans tried to deny it’s existence, it’s real and I saw it in theaters, okay granted it was the same theater that a few years later I saw “Twilight” at but that’s besides the point. This strange anomaly is trying to recapture the glory days of the Donner Classic and somehow try to bring something new to elevate the Man Of Steel. (Audio of Steven coughing and saying Excuse Me. Cut to Steven Physically)

Steven:
Just what is the “Donner Classic”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Oy, Here I go again! (Cut to the classic Christopher Reeve “Superman” Movies/ “Superman Returns” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
In 1978, Richard Donner hired by Alexander & Ilya Salkind helped Superman be shown with Respect as opposed to how he has been seen by that point after JFK got assassinated which was as a joke and to many a writer to the Superfriends cartoons/ Superman’s own comic book lines dumping grounds for San Francisco & Fire Island jokes if not interceded by network and editorial censors at DC. However, the success of the first one wasn’t enough for either side to swallow their pride to finish Superman II, Richard Lester finished it, end of discussion on Superman II. Superman III is something my friends The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok already talked about, enough said. “Supergirl” the movie yeah, me and KiraKennedy just couldn’t get into it and the stupidity just hurt us both and after “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace” put the entire Superman movie franchise behind the shed and a Kryptonite bullet into Superman’s movie success it seemed after trial and tribulation that Superman would never fly onto the big screens again, that is until 2006 came and after Bryan Singer successfully brought the X-Men to the big screen twice by that point was brought in by Warner Brothers and Jon Peters to see if he can get Superman flying again. But does it still fly? Is the movie as good as the first two Superman Movies? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any more time then necessary, this is “Superman Returns” (Cut to “Superman Returns” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie opens up with text that tells us that five years ago, someone had found signs of life where Krypton was, and Superman disappeared looking for what it was. We then… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
One moment. (James pulls out a cell phone. Cut to Allison Pregler as she looks at what to review next for “Movie Nights” when her phone goes off.)

Allison Pregler:
Hello! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Allison, just for the record if you ever do “Superman Returns” for “Movie Nights” be aware that Marlon Brando’s Jor-El is back AND he’s been digitally brought back from the dead as Holograms and a voiceover. Just giving you a heads up! (James hangs up. Cut to Allison Pregler looking confused)

Allison Pregler:
What was that about? (Cut to “Superman Returns” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After the amazingly awesome opening credits we get… (Show clip as Noel Neill’s Character “Gertrude Vanderworth” talks to her husband Lex Luthor. Show clip of Lex Luthor as played by Kevin Spacey revealing himself. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So the late Noel Neill, the first ever Lois Lane appears in the movie cameos as a wealthy old woman and her husband is Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey. I know I shouldn’t make the joke because it’s Kevin Spacey, but the fact is that Lex Luthor married and did GOD knows what else to her, I… I… It’s in my head! IT IS IN MY HEAD! (James takes his glasses off as he feels this need to toss his cookies and grabs two tranquilizer guns and tranquilizes the people he’s with while in Quarantine and James runs to the bathroom and reenacts the “Ace Ventura Einhorn is a man” discovery perfunctory. Cut to “Superman Returns” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So after you deal with the “Oh dear god, Mama No!” revelation you’ll have to deal with. We cut to the Kent Farm where (Sounding like Ben Affleck Batman): MARTHA! (Back to normal): played by Eva Marie Saint is rocked by the sensation of the farm nearly buying it along with herself as we see a Kryptonian Ship landing in the yard as we’re introduced to Clark Kent AKA Superman this time being played by future Legend Of Tomorrow Atom Brandon Routh and his performance while trying to capture what Christopher Reeve had done for some odd reason well simply put, he never got a chance to truly fly as either character. But he did get a chance to show what he could do though limitedly as Superman which I will talk about later on. But in the meanwhile Lex Luthor and his crew which includes Kal Penn with no lines whatsoever yet he’s credited as an actor and Parker Posey who sadly shows no personality in the role of Kitty as her performance shows (Show all of “Kitty”’s scenes in “Superman Returns”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And worse she has shown she has range, personality, and everything in better roles prior to and after this movie. I think she should seriously get a new agent! (Cut to “Superman Returns” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We soon find ourselves going back to Metropolis and of course The Daily Planet where we catch up with Jimmy Olsen played by Sam Huntington and Perry White played by Frank Langella. As Clark settles back into the daily grind, we find out that Lois Lane played without an ounce of enthusiasm by Kate Bosworth is now a mother with a little kid named Jason played by Tristan Lake Leabu and has a good man by the name of Richard White who is Perry’s Nephew and is played by James Marsden post Cyclops in the “X-Men” movies, pre “Hairspray” and his current career which includes…(Show all of his post “Superman Returns” movie library including “Sonic The Hedgehog”. Cut to James physically)

 TLOTA:
Seriously, someone get HIM a better agent! (A Phone rings off screen) I’ll get it! (James walks off for two seconds.) Hello! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Okay, after an eternity of Test Audiences, Charts, Graphs and all our usual voodoo that we do so well we’ve got our script, cast, crew and everything else! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
NEVER CALL ME AGAIN! Wait a second, where are you calling me from? Wait let me write down the address.  428 Fai… HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY STUDIO SINCE IT IS IN OMEGA LEVEL LOCKDOWN? WHAT DO I MEAN? I MEAN NO POWER, NO PHONE, CABLE OR INTERNET, NO RUNNING WATER. I EVEN SHUT OFF…. Oh, forget it! (James hangs up the phone when it rings again) What?! (Cut to Steven)

Steven:
Yeah, it’s Steven again, my employer is wondering who you would’ve chosen to be Lois Lane in “Superman Returns”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Well like Richard Donner, I would’ve gone with a semi unknown actress like Christy Carlson Romano! (Cut to Steven)

Steven:
He said “A Semi unknown actress named Christy Carlson Romano” (Infant crying and throwing baby food and a bottle of Jack Daniels out of frame) Yeah, he said “You’re an idiot and if he could, he’d blame the audience for not getting the movie!” (Cut to James physically as he shuts his phone off)

TLOTA:
I’m not even through the first hour and I’m in pain! So, I’ve got to take a break and regroup! I’ll be back!

(James sits and rubs his forehead as he tries to deal with his continual headache as it fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Superman Returns” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We soon discover Lex in the Fortress of Solitude where, as I warned Allison Pregler in the beginning of my review, Marlon Brando through the power of Digital Recreation reprises his role as Jor-El! Meanwhile Lois is covering a piggyback flight experiment for a shuttle just as Lex takes a tiny shard from one of the crystals which he ransacked from the Fortress Of Solitude as Kal Penn drops it into the water of a model inside the mansion. The results? A minor EMP that shuts down the power world wide for a moment and causing both the model to have sound effects of chaos and death and pain and all sorts of disaster and The Shuttle being piggybacked to suffer a computer failure forcing the launch of the Shuttle while still holding the airplane under it! This looks like a job for…Budwiser! Yeah, not kidding on this, instead of being aware right away about Lois’ peril Clark and Jimmy are at a bar tended by the late Jack Larson when after the minor EMP event that’s when Clark hears about Lois. And after nearly forty minutes Superman leaps back into action to get the shuttle off the airplane. The airplane itself however is falling like rock. (Show clip of plane falling and Superman trying to save the plane and it is landing in the baseball park thanks to Superman. Cut to the cockpit as the onboard computer as it says “Fly Up! Fly Up!” Cut to clip of Leslie Nielson from “Airplane!” as he says “I just want to say Good Luck! We’re all counting on you!”. Cut to Superman as he says how safe it is to fly, AGAIN!) And with that, Superman is welcomed back after a five-year hiatus with roaring applause! Lois handles it well! (Show clip of her fainting and sliding down the emergency slide! Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well somethings never change, I guess. (A Phone rings off screen) I’ll get it! (James walks off for two seconds.) Hello! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Oh James, we’re redoing the casting process! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Did you have a cast? (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Well we did but the charts from the…(Cut to James as he throws the phone into the trash can as it speed talks. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Thrilled at the excitement of the return of Superman, Perry White decides that it is the biggest story for the Daily Planet and with her objecting all the way, Perry tells Lois to be on the Superman Story. Meanwhile Lois and Clark become friends again while introducing Richard to Clark as Lex plans a heist after hearing the return of Superman. Meanwhile Lois for some reason has a problem with Superman’s return. However Superman…(Show clip of Superman looking over Lois, Jason and Richard like a stalker. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay believe it or not I seriously had a sketch in which Lois Lane files a restraining order on Superman for stalking her and her family. The Judge would’ve been played by my friend Rowdy, Lois was to have been played by Brenda Fonseca, Superman was to have been played by John Ross Santos and the judge would’ve granted it. The second case would’ve been Linkara as his Dude bro Batman being served with Restraining orders by every female in his rogues’ gallery and several of Bruce Wayne’s Ex-Girlfriends and Linkara’s Dude bro Batman accidentally outing himself as Bruce Friggin Wayne! (A Phone rings off screen) I’ll get it! (James walks off for two seconds and pulls the phone out of the garbage.) WHAT?! (Cut to Linkara as his Dude Bro Batman)

Dude Bro Batman:
How do I out myself? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
By your own Stupid hand Bruce! (Cut to Dude Bro Batman)

Dude Bro Batman:
Your name is Bruce? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
No, Linkara. I’m a very angry, tired and stressed out Internet reviewer named James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! AND YOU’RE GOING TO GET THE DARWIN AWARD FOR YOUR STUPIDITY! (James shuts off his phone. Cut to the Dude Bro Batman.)

Dude Bro Batman:
Wait, I’m The Last Of The Americans? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After stalking Lois, Superman decides to get to work saving people leading to one of my favorite moments as a gang with a mega heavy duty gatling gun tries to rob a bank and Superman saves the guards and after shooting off enough bullets to bury Charlie Sheen from “Hot Shots Part Deux” ten times over. The head thug decides “OKAY! I’m gonna shoot him in the eye! That’ll kill him!” (The Bullet bounces off Superman’s eye!) Now the look on his face speaks volumes as he looks up after the bullet does nothing to Superman, it’s basically him thinking “OH CRAP! I’M PUDDING!”. While that’s going down, Lex incognito decides to visit/take something from a museum which happens to be a green crystal from Addis Ababa!  While Kitty is bait for Superman in which after recreating the Iconic “Action Comics No.1” cover. The next day Perry not too happy about Lois trying to figure out the source of the blackout basically tells Lois to do to Superman article while Clark handles the blackout. However Richard decides lets all work together on both stories together and to Brandon’s credit, he doesn’t make Clark sound like a d-bag while Clark, Lois and Richard are together and tries his best to do what’s right for the sake of both stories and Jimmy Olsen acts as an expositional point to let Clark know that Lex got out on a technicality because Superman wasn’t around. (Cut to James physically as a Phone rings off screen again and James walks away for two seconds) Hello! (Cut to Steven as he gets further covered in baby food and other fluids)

Steven:
Yeah, Bryan isn’t happy you’re giving Brandon Routh any credit, he was too young and inexperienced when it came to him being Superman or Clark Kent. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Christopher Reeve was an unknown before he got the role of Superman and it did his career gangbusters until the accident that paralyzed him and nine years later killed him. (Cut to Steven as he gets further covered in baby food and other fluids)

Steven:
And Brandon…(Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Went on to become a character actor and reprise the role that brought him to the mainstream! (Cut to clips of the CW crossover “Crisis On Infinite Earths” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is what I was eluding to earlier, last year The CW and their DC Shows had a massive crossover event loosely based on the DC Event Comic “Crisis On Infinite Earths” and while Brandon did play Ray “The Atom” Palmer he also revived his portrayal of Superman and even though it was a nice send off for that version of Superman it also did something I didn’t want to see happen, it basically canonized the new crop of DC Movies instead of erasing them from existence! But thankfully from what I heard their latest movies BOMBED at the box office and it’ll be a while if ever DC can get their act together to try again at a connected universe of movies. (Cut to Superman Returns as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But back to the movie at hand, After Lois gives Richard an expositional dump on Superman, Lois head on up where Surprise! Surprise! Superman waits for Lois and she’s not too happy he left her five years ago. But one Superman flight later and while she’s not upset with Superman as much as she was, she’s still not at peace with what he did to her. The next day Lois hands in the article and then prepares to continue to work in secret on the blackout story just as Lois nearly forgets to pick up Jason but she gets him and takes Jason along to find the Mansion Lex Luthor resides in as well as the Yacht in which Lois and Jason are captured leading to some funny lines from Jason (Show clip of Jason’s lines saying to Lex Luthor “You’re Bald” and “Mommy tells me never speak to strangers”. Cut to Superman Returns as James continues his voiceover). Okay Lex, you have Lois and her son hostage, what is your plan, Cochise? (Show Lex’s plans to use the Crystals to build a new continent, destroying America in the process. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So, yeah Real estate, again! OKAY, Why are you so interested in it? (A Phone rings off screen) I’m going to regret this! (James walks off for two seconds.) WHAT?! (Cut to Steven as he gets further covered in baby food and other fluids)

Steven:
Yeah, Bryan is upset at the obvious plot event that you’re missing! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that would be? (Cut to Steven as he gets further covered in baby food and other fluids)

Steven:
That this movie takes Superman III, Supergirl and Superman IV out of continuity. Hence the reason for the obsession for real estate, again! Okay that is it! Come here you little! (Steven walks off to punish Bryan Singer for everything he’s done. Cut to Superman Returns as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Lex reveals he has Kryptonite which for some reason gets Jason interested and Lex wondering who Jason’s dad is. Well Lex I hate to break it to you but, you’re holding something bright in front of a Five-Year-old kid! OF COURSE, THEY’RE GONNA KEEP THEIR EYES ON IT! Meanwhile Richard can’t seem to find Lois and Jason and again I love this moment in which instead of being an a-hole Clark and Richard work together to try and find Lois and Richard. As that goes on Lex fires the Kryptonite laced Crystal which causes another blackout and after overhearing where they were Lois faxes the coordinates to The Daily Planet leading to a scene of a whole load of covers from the Daily Planet showing the succession of events leading to Superman’s disappearance showing Clark to become Superman again but noticing that the city is in danger goes and saves the people. After that bit of awesomeness, Lois’ ruse is discovered by a thug led to guard them, play Heart & Soul with Jason and if need be kill them when… (Show clip of the piano being slammed into the thug by Jason. Cut to chorused montage of “WHAT?!”’s from different characters in tune with the last minute and change of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture as the last “WHAT?!” comes from James shouting “WHAT?!”. Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT JASON, THE CUTE LITTLE KID WHO HAS HAD NO BEARING ON THE PLOT, THE KID WHO GOT A SMILE OUT OF ME IN A LOT OF THE SCENES HE WAS IN, IS ACTUALLY THE SON OF LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN?!!?!?!  (Cut to clips of “Man Of Steel” and the current DC Movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Okay say what you want in the recent Superman/DC movies. Yes, Superman killing Zod was a bad move, The whole “Martha” moment was absurd, HOW EVERY SINGLE TROLL CELEBRATED SUPERMAN’S DEMISE AND CRIED “NO!” WHEN HE DID RETURN IN “JUSTICE LEAGUE” I mean yeah, every moment so far in the new Movies in this iteration of DC’s production is deplorable. (Cut to Superman Returns as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
BUT TO SHOW SUPERMAN AS A DEADBEAT DAD?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?! SERIOUSLY! (Cut to recent stills of the Superman Comic Books as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Believe it or not, I’m actually giving the recent Comic Book iteration credit as it shows Clark AKA Superman as a loving and caring father to his son Jon Kent who like father like son has powers and is actually in the Comics the new Superboy! So, for this movie to do this assassination of Superman’s Character is worse than any curse the late Jerry Siegel and the late Joe Shuster can EVER dump on Superman, in any iteration! ARGH! (Cut to Superman Returns as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
At any rate, Richard makes it to the yacht and before he could get them out of danger a Crystal snaps the boat in half causing Lois to be rendered unconscious and to sink to the bottom of the ocean. However, before they can be killed Superman hoists them out of harms way. Superman then confronts Lex Luthor but not knowing about the Kryptonite, Superman gets ambushed and then shanked by Lex Luthor. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
With a sharp Kryptonite shard, get your head out of the gutter. (A Phone rings off screen) It never rains in SoCal but when it pours it’s like Niagara Falls! (James walks off for two seconds.) WHAT?!

(Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
We’ve just finished filming and post-production, Now, we’re going to distribute this movie and show you what we’re capable of! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I await a call from you as the deluge of reviews bury your movie. (James shuts the phone off. Cut to Superman Returns as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Lois, Richard and Jason try to get Superman out of there, but everyone knows he must go and Stop Lex’s plans even if there is Kryptonite on the growing Crystalline structured Land mass. After a brief solar recharge Superman lifts the entire thing as Kitty drops the remaining crystals on the land mass as she, Lex and the Pomeranian get out of there. As Superman falls to the earth that land mass is never to be seen or heard from again, not even referenced in the CW “Crisis” DC Series crossover event I mentioned earlier! Emergency workers do everything to save Superman’s life while coalescing in the Hospital Lois brings Jason and whispers a thanks, letting Superman know she is now at peace with what happened, spills that Jason is their kid and hopes he survives long enough to get Child Support and Alimony meaning The Fortress Of Solitude will be Lois Lane’s property. Meanwhile we find Lex on an Island with a Helicopter that’s out of gas, Kitty and a Pomeranian that’s going to wind up as Chicken and Broccoli and we NEVER see them again! A couple of nights later Superman goes and visits Jason, gives him Jor-El’s Speech to him while Lois tries to work on an editorial asking “Why does the world need a Superman?” as Superman flies off letting Lois know he and her are cool and will be more in Jason’s life as well as be there for all of us. (Show ending of “Superman Returns”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Superman Returns and to be honest, it’s not the best Superman movie ever nor is it the worst! (Cut to Superman Returns as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’ll give credit to Bryan Singer for trying to blend a lot of the older iterations of Superman into this one and tried to make something for a future that never came. A lot of the dialogue was good as was a lot of the actors in this movie, but the pacing of the story plodded along like a man dragging a herd of dead cattle, the effects while good doesn’t hold up by today’s standards and everything that didn’t work shows in every second of film. My advice, if you are really bored and there’s truly nothing else to watch, I strongly recommend this movie for those who have nothing better to do for a couple of hours and hope to enjoy a relatively good Superman movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and… (A Phone rings off screen) My last nerve just committed suicide (James walks off for two seconds.) WHAT?! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Everyone hates our movie. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
No, it’s your movie and it shows, I was reading and watching reviews, I’m not surprised by what happened so as far as I’m concerned. You set yourself up for failure and I am not wasting any of my time on your dreck! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel Exec as played by Olivia Horvath in her apartment which looks like James’ studio)

Lindsay Nagel exec:
Well, you’re going to have to because I sent a copy of the movie to you. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What? (Two voices cry to James as he grabs his tranquilizer guns, walks off the sound of two tranquilizer guns go off as James grabs the mail and says off screen “Uh-Oh!” and Fade to black)