Top 10 Dumbest moments in the JAWS Movies

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and yeah even after my mental meltdown earlier this month, I'm still going just like a great white shark. Speaking of them, Have I ever said anything about the JAWS movies? (Cut to clips from all four of the "JAWS" movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And really there is a bit to like about all of them whether it's the original which had Roy Scheider as Chief Brody, Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper and Robert Shaw as Quint taking on a gigantic Great White Shark that would dwarf the longest dock in the fictional Amity Island, the first sequel that had the burned shark and Chief Brody dealing with PTSD from the firstshark attack, The laughable Three Dimensional effects, story and of course Dennis Quaid in JAWS 3D, then of course there is the ridiculously hilarious melodrama and of course Michael Caine in JAWS: The Revenge. All four sprung from the story by Peter Benchley about a great white shark that decides to territorialize itself to the fictional Amity Island where it is up to local Fisherman Quint, Police Chief Brody and Marine Biologist Hooper to stop the shark and today I'm going to count down ten of the dumbest moments from all four of these movies! There will be spoilers, laughs and other moments that'll leave you wondering what they were thinking when it came to the fate of poor Bruce! (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
So let's put the man in the cage, put the cage in the water, put the man in the water because the shark is in the water! Our shark and enjoy the top ten Dumbest moments from The JAWS movies! (Cut to an underwater scene as the John Williams "JAWS" theme as James says "Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! This is totally dumb!" as different dumb scenes from the JAWS movies play over the underwater scene only for the music to reach it's crescendo it cuts to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the words "The Top 10 Dumbest moments in the "JAWS" movies" appear then disappear and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) The title of "JAWS: The Revenge"

(Cut to "JAWS The Revenge" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Just what is the title about? Is it a relative of the shark that's getting revenge on the Brodys for what happened in the first three movies? Is it about Ellen Brody vowing revenge on the shark that killed Sean? I don't know! The title of the last movie makes no sense. (Cut to "Siskel & Ebert" review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as they talk about the title and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even Siskel and Ebert talked about how ridiculous the title is. (Show the Siskel & Ebert review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as they talk about how nonsensical the title is. Cut to "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
A dumb title that sank the movie franchise that made no sense and made people go back to the water.

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) How Quint buys it! in "JAWS"
(Cut to "JAWS" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
Don't get me wrong, I Love how Quint buys it it's very brutal but very kind of silly in a way! But I think the fact he foretold how the shark would attack him is ridiculous. On top of that how Quint died is kind of silly. The Shark attacks the ORCA taking out the stern end of the boat as Brody and Quint try to hide in the cabin as the shark sinks the boat! A loose oxygen tank pinches Quint's hand and he loses his grip sliding down the mouth and I'll let Quint say how the shark ends him. (Show the clip of Quint as to how a shark kills intercut to Quint's death. Cut to "JAWS" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Nothing left to say except what Chief Brody said apropos! 

(Cut to Chief Brody as he says "You're gonna need a bigger boat!". Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The aging of Michael and Sean Brody
(Cut to clips of the "JAWS" movies where Sean and Michael Brody are growing up as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Much like how in the "Rocky" movies when it comes to the aging of Rocky's kid, the aging of Michael and Sean Brody is wonky and makes no sense! In the first "JAWS" movie Sean is approximately 3-5 years old and Michael is 9-12 years old. Then in "JAWS 2" Michael is just a shave away from being out of High School and Sean is now a middle schooler roughly 7-9 years old. In "JAWS 3/3D" They're in their early twenties! and when "JAWS: The Revenge" happened Michael is in his late 20's early 30's and as for Sean! (Show clip of Sean Brody's death and James says "Never mind!". Cut to the two as they get older as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it's not as extremely dumb as say how Robert "Rocky Jr" Balboa got from an infant to a teen in the span of a few "Rocky"movies, it does take a leap of logic especially since according to the people who made "JAWS 2" that it happened not long AFTER the first movie! DOES TIME MOVE QUICKER IN MOVIES?! Not nearly the few years after the first one. Yeah it's a dumb thing to complain about but not as dumb as what we're going to be dealing with in the number 7 slot.

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) The Burned Shark from "JAWS 2" 
(Cut to every scene of "JAWS 2" with the burned shark as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
 Remember how "The Joker" in "Batman: The Dark Knight" constantly asked everyone how he got his scars? Well in the case of "JAWS 2", it's because a very dumb female boater after the shark killed a friend dumped gasoline on herself and the shark then fired a flair gun on the boat burning herself to death burning the shark and blowing the whole damned thing up straight to hell. What's crazier is the fact the burned shark survived to terrorize everyone, take a bite out of an Orca, subtle nod and killed more teens as if this was a slasher pic! WOW, there's jumping the shark then there's this!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Michael Caine's Magically drying shirt! from "JAWS: The Revenge"
(Cut to every scene with Michael Caine in "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Before I talk about the moment I first want to say this about Michael Caine, he was good in the movie but I REALLY feel sorry for anyone who see this as their first Michael Caine movie and while he freely admitted he never saw his performance in "JAWS: The Revenge" he was glad for the payday because it paid for a house apparently. And now let me set up the moment in which if Michael did see the movie would've raised Cain at how Universal did him wrong in the movie. Caine's character of Hoagie, Michael Brody played by Lance Guest and Jake played by Mario Van Peebles who probably bitch smacked the hell out of his agent for getting him in the movie are flying to rescue Ellen from her grief and of course the shark while the plane misses the shark and hits a hard water landing. Michael and Jake of course escape and it looks like Michael Caine is Shark Chow as he famously says "Oh...shit!" and apparently goes down with the plane. However in the next scene not only does he escape the Jaws of death he does so with his shirt freshly cleaned and dried! (Cut to the "Siskel and Ebert" Review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Again! I have to point out the Siskel & Ebert Review of this movie. It may just be one of the most honest moments about a movie the two have when it comes to A) How ridiculous it is and B) How stupid it is that they go for it with the right amount of ammo to take it down! (Show clip of the two of them talking at how the shirt is dry after he gets on the boat. Cut to Michael Caine in "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
A moment so ridiculous that I'll let Michael Caine say how I feel about it!

(Cut to Michael Caine as he says "Oh...shit!". Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

5) The usage of SeaWorld in "JAWS 3/ 3D"
(Cut to clips of Sea world in "JAWS 3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
How did Universal get SeaWorld to agree to them being in the movie? Was it because the first two movies were financially successful that Universal figured they had some leverage they could somehow convince one of the most well known Aquarium parks to film their movie there? I don't know but when I think of SeaWorld, I think Shamu, I think of the shows, the different fishes, I think of the trainers, the amazing wonders in the sea! I don't think of a Great White Shark Terrorizing patrons and said patrons, fish, trainers and wonders becoming shark chow! While it was nice to see that SeaWorld willingly promote themselves in something like this, I just think it'd be better for them to laugh at how stupid it was to have brought in the Great White Shark that haunted Amity Island!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) The disbelief of the Shark attacking from "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS 3/3D"

(Cut to clips of "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now while it was understandable to a point in the first one that if people are saying that there is a shark  in your waters and one man is willing to do this for a certain fee and you do so and close the beaches until it's safe. However by the time the second movie happens and your police chief says it's a shark, I think you take it seriously, even if he is under stress, has PTSD and is willing to do what is needed to save the town! Even in SeaWorld they've got a baby great white shark (Singing "Di Doo Di doo doo doo" and muttering to himself "Damn it!")  and when it dies on their watch you don't think Mama Shark is around for vengeance after her offspring is nearby? (Cut to clips of "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
This is where "JAWS The Revenge" gets a fair amount of credit when the characters discover the Shark in the Bahamas where believe it or not the Shark shouldn't survive, when it does come our heroes decide to keep it to themselves and not tell those who think they're nuts! But then again after three prior attempts to warn people about the shark coming falling on Deaf Ears, it's pretty much a case of Darwinism getting the win for having the shark chow down on the people!(Cut to clips of "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But to those in charge, next time you hear some say that there's a killer shark in the area listen to common sense and be responsible, close the beaches, take the shark out THEN try to salvage the summer, if you can! (Cut to the clip of Mayor Vaughn saying "I don't think either one of you are familiar with our problems." and Matt Hooper responds "Uh, I Think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you ON THE ASS!". Cut to James physically as he says Pretty Much! Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) The "3D" of "JAWS 3D"
(Cut to "JAWS 3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
I tried to watch the 3D Aspect of the movie and all it did was leave me further unimpressed by what was a rather unimpressive sequel to the first one. Even the death of Phillip FitzRoyce played by Simon MacCorkindale in 3D was boring and believe it or not FitzRoyce's death is the most implausible death in the history of the entirety of the franchise. Wanna know how FitzRoyce buys the aquarium? Instead of chomping down on the dude, the shark swallows FitzRoyce whole using the pressure of the body to crush the dude before he can use the grenade and thus sacrificing himself to get rid of the shark and the only indicator FitzRoyce is dead is the blood coming out of the shark's gill slits! Then of course there is the infamous slow, sloow, slooow, ssslloooowww moving attack of the shark to the central command center of SeaWorld! Just watch (Show the slow motion attack of the shark as everyone reacts then the glass breaks and the shark tries to attack and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This time the third dimension was the most boring of them all! I needed a bigger bottle of adrenaline to keep me awake watching this boring ass Shark fest!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) The Roaring Shark and Jake's survival from "JAWS The Revenge"

(Cut to clips of "JAWS The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is more towards the end of "JAWS The Revenge" so there are spoilers here. You have been warned. Okay so here's the scenario as it has been so far. The Shark nearly killed Thea Brody played by the late Judith Barsi. Leaving grief stricken Ellen to try and fight the shark on her own. After the aforementioned moment in which Michael, Jake and Hoagie and everything that happened in the number 6 spot happened and of course Hoagie's magically drying shirt. Jake and Michael decide to feed him a McGuffin device that supposedly sends electrical impulses to the inside of something and in this case it's the shark and while it appears Jake has bought the Aquarium. Michael has had enough and decided to fire Jake's McGuffin device and then... (Cut to the roaring shark scene).  You heard it here, The shark roars like a mix between a lion, Godzilla, King Kong, and a T-REX! Thus we have the start of the stupidity of the ending. As the shark buys it, It looks like Hoagie, Mike and Ellen kill the beast once and for all when as if by magic Jake survives his death sentence at the mouth of the shark. This is dumb but it also leads to what is at the number one spot!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And the Number one dumbest moment in the entirety of the JAWS franchise IS... (Cut to the endings of the all four of the movies as the shark meets it's fate and James does a voiceover)

1) The way the shark buys it!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
From which of the four movies? Take your pick because they all go out the same way! And the first movie's ending pretty much set up the precedent for the rest of the movies would go down! Here's the scenario by the point the ending is set up. Quint is dead, Hooper is indisposed possibly shark chow, The Orca is sinking like a rock and in comes the shark to come after Chief Brody when he decides to put a compressed air tank down the shark's mouth. Armed with a gun and a spear to try and kill the damned thing with the spear hoping to kill it that way, when the spear failed it was up to a gun and a prayer that he'd hit it in the right place and the shark would go kerblammo! And while yeah it was a feel good awesome moment, the Mythbusters Team demystified it, it also gave the producers a bar to see if they could top in a sequel. Which gave us a partly burned shark which looked bad after multiple viewings the shark got to ride the lightning which was the equivalent of blowing the shark up from the inside out but this time with electricity! JAWS 3/3D had the shark go boom thanks to a grenade in the hand of a dead Simon MacCorkindale character and because of the 3D we saw a pair of the Sharks Jaws pop out! Subtle! Then again the Shark goes kerboom in "JAWS The Revenge" HOW DID THE SHARK EXPLODE IN "JAWS THE REVENGE"?! WAS THE DEVICE THAT JAKE MADE HAD AN EXPLOSIVE IN IT? I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD'VE SHOCKED THE HELL OUT OF IT! However there is an alternate version of the ending out there where The Shark just gets stabbed and dies, demolishing the boat and the shark goes down to the bottom of the sea! But somehow people wanted the shark to go boom! It really does show how dumb these movies get. Even the late Peter Benchley found the exploding shark ending in the first movie to be preposterously stupid! So for those who think Jumping The Shark was what kills movies or TV Shows, I hate to say you're wrong but when you blow up the shark that kills anything is without question, THE SINGLE DUMBEST MOMENT IN ALL OF THE JAWS MOVIES! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any moments from The JAWS movies that missed the Darwin award, then let me know in the comments section below. As for my thoughts on the series as a whole. (Cut to clips of the JAWS movies as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
On a movie to movie basis I can say that everyone of them have ups and downs some a few more downs. The first one remains a classic because there was an emphasis on story, characters, action, adventure, the humorous moments what few there were, the score by John Williams, everything worked about the movie. The second one is a worthy continuation and a great popcorn slasher film if you're into that sort of thing. While a lot of the third and fourth movies made up a majority of this list, it depends on what your tastes are. Whether you're in the mood for something scary that becomes so silly or so caught up in it's own melodrama that it becomes a silly parody of the first one but with none of the originality. But if they're your cup of Shark Fin Soup then check them out and like them Dumb moments and all! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

Four slices of "Pie" Ala DVD

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well with Three cinematic successes of American Pie under Universal’s belt, how could they keep the success going? By taking the franchise into the realm of Straight to DVD territory. (Show title cards of the straight to DVD “American Pie” movies. Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These four movies try to continue where the first three movies left off in telling teen hijinks with sexual mishaps. Would they be able to continue and enhance the legacy of the movies that came before them? Well given the history of Universal’s Straight To DVD material, I’m not looking forward to quality work. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And before we begin, Spoilers, they’re going to flow like the fluids that have essentially kept this franchise going on so many levels. I will also be doing these in rapid fire succession! So, let’s start with “American Pie: Band Camp”. (Cut to title card of “American Pie: Band Camp”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: Band Camp” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So remember Stiffler’s little brother in the first two movies? Yeah, he’s now as horny and pathetic as his older brother.  How Pathetic? He tries to out gross his older brother and fails spectacularly. And as punishment must spend the Summer in Michelle’s Band Camp where she had her sexual awakening and found love for Jim there as well. Will Stiffler’s brother somehow evolve beyond being his brother and find love with a band girl played by Arielle Kebbel and deal with Jim’s dad once again played by Eugene Levy? Well, you have to see the movie as to experience the disgusting and surprisingly the heartwarming parts of this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And as quickly as a pie could get made, we get a unique continuation and a sequel with “The Naked Mile”  & “Beta House”(Cut to title card of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And this time we look at believe it or not while Jim’s dad is still here we have Stiffler’s cousins who have to now go through an event known as “The Naked Mile” as they try to get through it they find themselves in the same type of scenarios Jim Levinstein should’ve suffered during his tenure with the Pie. But because this movie like “Band Camp” was successful this movie had what could be closest to an actual continuation in it’s own story “Beta House” as the Stiffler Cousins continue their shenanigans as they take on their rivals “Beta House” especially when it’s discovered that one of the Stiffler’s love interest might not appear as what she claims she is. While that’s going on Jim’s dad is head of a Collegiate Olympics between the fraternities? Will Beta House win? Will the house that the Stiffler’s have win? You’ll just have to see them both to see how gross the collegiate life of a Stiffler truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However it was by this point that the quality of the Straight to DVD Pie movies were starting to go down to in quality. However, since they are Straight To DVD the quality is never going to be as good as the theatrical stuff but regardless they were able to churn out one last slice with “American Pie: The Book Of Love” (Cut to the title card of “American Pie: The Book Of Love”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Book Of Love” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Essentially a rehashing of the First “American Pie” but this time involving different characters apart from the fact that a Stiffler Cousin is here…AGAIN, however, thankfully he’s not the center of the movie and of course Jim’s dad again but this time the story also focuses on repairing and restoring “The Bible” from the first movie after it suffers from damage from shenanigans. Will our four friends and Stiffler cousin learn from The Bible? Will “The Bible” be restored to its glory and help those who need it? Well again you’re going to see it to understand it and hope that you can not get that upset from what is a piece of pie that sadly goes stale quickly. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the problem, the formula went so stale so quickly that it doesn’t surprise me that these movies aren’t as good as the theatrical ones. (Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But that’s not to say that these movies have nothing redeeming about them. A lot of the acting from actors like Bug Hall, Brandon Hardesty, the Aforementioned Arielle Kebbel, Jason Earles, Robbie Amell, Italia Ricci, Rachel Skarsten and Beth Behrs is memorable but for the sake of good taste watch them at your discretion because by “Beta House” you’ll find yourself getting sick from this much Pie! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But who knows, maybe after that the idea of American Pie returning to the big screen could be something good! (Show clips of “American Reunion”. Cut to James physically) This one maybe the one that breaks me!

Cena & The "Blockers"

(Scene begins with an overhead shot of the Catskills and the “Xena” theme song plays in the foreground before cutting to a clip of the n.W.o 2002 WWE run as an announcer played by DukeCT says “In a time of returning ancient tribes.”, Brock Lesnar brutalizing everyone as an announcer played by DukeCT says “Monsters” and Triple H holding both the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship as an announcer played by DukeCT says “And men who would be kings!” and the WWE brand splitting for the first time as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A company divided cries out for a hero” as more matches play scenes of two different men getting prepared one with a pair of Jean Shorts the other a pair of contractor jeans. The First man preparing a colored shirt, the other putting on an American Flag shirt before cutting to the first man entering a ring who just so happens to be John Cena before cutting to an image of John Cena as he holds a championship and the words “Cena: Warrior Actor” an announcer played by DukeCT says, “He was Cena!” before cutting to a clip of John Cena running at full steam as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A mighty warrior forged in the challenge of competition!” before seeing John hit an AA on Edge and The Big Show before cutting to James Faraci as it cuts to James Faraci getting to his seat as the credit reads “Starring James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” before cutting to a clip of John Cena hits Edge with an AA at Unforgiven as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The intensity” before cutting to an image of Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Nick Yaun, John & Mike Santos, Ed Champion & Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath and Renee Miller as they see their names before cutting to James on the horseshoe couch as he plays a movie before cutting to John Cena’s Acting Repertoire as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The Actor” as more clips of John Cena’s Acting Repertoire before cutting to John Cena as he takes a butt bong of beer before cutting to James gets ready for another review as an announcer played by DukeCT says “His Reviews will change the internet forever!” before cutting to a blurred black and white image of John Cena holding the WWE Championship and the words “The Last Of The Americans” shimmer in before fading to Julia Alexa Miller in her apartment as she watches the news from James’ neck of the woods and how the protests have ground Sullivan County NY to a halt and how The Governor will allow the protests to continue before Julia Alexa Miller continues to watch the TV while listening to someone on the phone.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah James, you’re right it’s not getting better for you and I think I saw Fleur, Ric and Audi in the protest. Excuse me for a moment… (Julia Alexa Miller puts James on hold before Julia Alexa Miller disappears before hearing a voice shouting from the TV shakes the apartment and the crowd is knocked out before Julia Alexa Miller returns) Sorry about… Oh, you saw. Well of course you can do the review here, Yep, your landing spot is ready, so how long before you get here?  (The sound of James’ time and space device is heard as Julia Alexa Miller turns around to get to the landing spot as James’ Time and Space Device exactly on the spot)

TLOTA:
Will right now work? (Julia Alexa Miller kisses James on the mouth)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Absolutely. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller on a couch as the two relax)

TLOTA:
Thanks. I would’ve gone to my family, but they’d give me Tsouris and you deserve a medal for lasting a day with them.

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, your family is not that bad. (James gives Julia the “seriously” look) James, your parents and your siblings were joking on paying me off to end the relationship.

TLOTA:
You’re right besides my nieces were the nicest. I guess it doesn’t hurt that the twins are a few years older than you and they like you and little Vivian just blows my mind with everything that comes out of her mouth and usually their judgement I know are the best and I trust them the most. Probably a lot more than how their parents are doing it and how parents in teen comedies now a days. (Cut to the trailer title card of “Blockers” then cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover and 1:38-2:23 from “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf plays in the foreground of the clips)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“Blockers” had an interesting concept idea “What would happen if the kids from “American Pie” went on to have kids that wound up in the same situations exactly like their parents?” (Cut to James and Julia on the couch)

TLOTA:
Spoilers: They tried it! (James points to his left with his right hand as the poster of “American Reunion” is seen on James’ left side) And it didn’t work then

Julia Alexa Miller:
How are you able to do that? You know what never mind, I’ve got a lot to do and it’s gonna be stressful enough for me with you here and I need to clean this place up and… (James kisses Alex) Okay, that means I’ll do what I have to do and you’ll clean up and review “Blockers” (Cut to clips of “Blockers” as James does a voiceover and 1:38-2:23 from “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf plays in the foreground of the clips.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Will this movie make me pine for the days in which Jim and the “American Pie” gang or will this even gross them out of ever doing another physical comedy movie ever again. (Cut to James in the Cleaning Supply Closet as he pulls out a vacuum)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any second, this is “Blockers” (A variety of mops and brooms land on James before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie begins we’re introduced to Julie, Kayla and Sam at their first day in school as their parents drop them off. The played by Leslie Mann, Ike Barenholtz and John Cena (The footage shakes as it cuts to an explosion as James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire as Julia Alexa Miller walks in to see the damage)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What in the hell happened?

TLOTA:
The plausibility of the movie exploded within the first minute and a half!

Julia Alexa Miller:
How? Just play the clip

TLOTA:
Okay (Cut to clip from “Total DIvas” of John Cena saying why he never wants kids before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The three parents and kids quickly bond as we then jump to the parents and the kids to their senior prom as Julie and her mom talk about what it’ll be for the two of them when the daughter goes off to college as we see John Cena eat his daughter’s underwear. (Cut to James as he shuts off the Vacuum.)

TLOTA:
Okay Universal movie, you do realize the Dark Universe collapsed under its own stupidity, if this is somehow is connected to it, I DON’T WANNA KNOW! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After an offensively bad remark on how he thinks he’s a bad parent and his wife thinks he’s being overprotective though granted I’d be in the same boat if I had a daughter. Kayla hits John with sports knowledge on what to do on the field and that calms Cena down for a bit as Julie comes to rather a typical conclusion that this prom night, she’s gonna do the nasty thing with her boyfriend and tells her two friends. (Cut to James as he puts up a mop)

TLOTA:
Oh wait, my weapons are back in New York so they’re not on Standby. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After hearing that her two friends decide to jump off the same cliff with her tonight, though hopefully with their own perspectives. Meanwhile Julie gets an acceptance letter from UCLA, Sam’s mom and stepfather are excited for their daughter on her prom night and worried about her friendship with Julie and Kayla. Speaking of Kayla well her parents are handling the fact she’s going to Prom well enough for a sports enthusiast. Meanwhile a messenger conversation that Julie is having with Austin winds up on a laptop! This is supposed to be a plot point! (Show clip of Kayla talking about how Coconut Oil is good for sex as it cuts to James falling off a ladder and the duster hitting James on the head)

TLOTA:
Okay if my nieces ever talked about that and I was within earshot, trust me they’d be hearing from me for a Looooooong time after hearing that! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Ike Barenholtz comes in with a limo for her daughter and her friends though Cena and Leslie Mann rip Ike a new one politely for being an absentee parent. Just as Cena sees his daughter’s Man bun wearing date. Trust me when I say, I know what’s going on in his head. A couple of slugs, a shovel and a piece of property that no one is interested in until the body has decayed to the point Forensic science will remain baffled and I can get away with it. Meanwhile Julie’s mom discovers her daughter’s laptop and the messenger conversation which gets the attention of not only Julie’s mom but Cena and Ike as well and Cena is well so blissfully ignorant that he well… (Show clip of John Cena as he thinks that it’s more innocent than it is before cutting to James as he puts away a step ladder)

TLOTA:
SIE SIND AUS DUMMKOPF GERMACHT! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in as she closes the door)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I see those German lessons have been paying off.

TLOTA:
I’ve been hearing it from my dad for a long time!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well speaking of parents, mine will be here soon as well as the rest of my family. So, take a break, clean up because you smell like god knows what, then finish the review.

TLOTA:
Uh Quick question your family, do they know about…?

Julia Alexa Miller:
They know it all.

(James walks away chuckling and saying to himself “I’m a dead man!” over and over again as Julia Alexa Miller tries to comfort James as the scene fades to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to “Blockers” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Knowing that their daughters are out to do the deed, our three parents have a breakdown then decide to team up in hopes of stopping them from becoming Prom Night Mommas! (Cut to clip of Cena and Mann as they overpower Ike and the three hit the road and Ike admits to the others his daughter is gay and Julie’s dad was an asshole before cutting to a freshly washed and cleaned James in a tee shirt and a towel)

TLOTA:
Ike, I hope in real life that you haven’t and will NEVER reproduce because I will feel so sorry for how messed up their lives are gonna be. (Julia Alexa Miller says that James’ clothes are on her bed and James walks out before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Sam, Kayla and Julie seem to enjoy the Prom as Kayla bluntly tells her date he plans on doing the deed in the most unsubtle of ways, Sam meets a girl and Julie gets to enjoy the prom. Just as the parents make their way to the prom our three teens bolt out of Prom and Cena goes on the hunt. After Ike sees his daughter kiss a guy Ike goes into hunting parent mode as well. Their first stop after the prom is to go to the house of Austin’s parents by Gary Cole and Gina Gershon who tells them about Kyler Montero’s Lake House. Before they get there, we get a chewing out by Cena’s wife. (The footage shakes as it cuts to an explosion as James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire as Julia Alexa Miller walks in to see the damage)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Again?!

TLOTA:
I’ll clean up the mess. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After a bait and switch the three parents get Kyler Montero’s address just as the three get to a party where a special Macaroon is served and Kayla indulges …(Cut to Kayla’s High Face as her eyes bug out as it cuts to James getting scared and hiding behind the couch and Julia Alexa Miller picks it up with ease)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What’s wrong?!

TLOTA (whispering):
The Face! The Face of nightmares! (Julia looks at Kayla’s High face)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Doesn’t look that scary!

TLOTA:
Just wait until I put the audio in and sync it up with Kayla's mouth, you’ll be behind this couch with me! (Cut to Kayla’s high face as her mouth animatedly moves and the audio of Judge Doom talking about how he killed Eddie Valliant’s Brother comes out of her mouth before cutting to James and Julia looking scared trying to peer out to look before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After that bit of nightmare rocket fuel, our three parents make it to Kyler’s in hopes of doing what needs to be done just as the moment in which Julie tries to recreate the American Beauty Sex Scene, thanks for the image of… You know what, I’m going to show some Decorum and not finish the obvious Kevin Spacey Joke because it’s not worth it. But apparently the three parents are there discover Connor bakes drugs into all his food and its butt beer chugging time! (Cut to John Cena’s reaction as he butt chugs and his daughter thinks she’s hallucinating before cutting to James and Julia as they have a disturbed look)

TLOTA:
YOU GAVE ME “WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?” VIETNAM FLASHBACK! YOUR DAD IS BUTT CHUGGING BEER AND YOU THINK YOU’RE TRIPPING?! YOU NEED HELP! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After the cops come, Ike takes Cena’s Butt Beer to the face and our three wannabe teen moms get the hell out of there and Cena becomes funnier as this thing goes on, that’s a miracle! (Show clip of Cena being funny before cutting back to the movie) The three decide to hit the speed to stop the Limo which everyone in there is tossing their cookies and our parents wind up… well upended and stuck in the ditch. Meanwhile our three discover that their parents are PISSED as hell. Julie takes the initiative to nip their parents in the bud. (Cut to the conversation as Julie tells her mom off.) After that Julie’s mom tells the two other parents she might die alone. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
You will not die alone, but (James points to his right with his left hand and it shows a picture of John Cena) he will! Especially after how his last relationship ended. (Cut to the movie as Ike tells the two how messed up his life is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Okay dude, no offense but if you were any kind of man, you would’ve been more mature and handled things better when the kimchi hit the fan! Anyway, the three get back to finding their kids after their ride explodes. They grab Austin’s dad’s phone after some unusually bizarre antics. (Cut to the parents as Ike and Cena mouth their words before cutting to James on Julia’s Couch.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
T-Minus 30 minutes before my parents get here! (James mouths “I’m Doomed!” as the words are in the same text as the movie’s before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our three make it to the hotel party just as their parents do and the search begins. Julie’s night of hooking up begins just as her mom is under the bed hearing everything. Cena goes door to door to door to give Connor an Attitude Adjustment he’ll never forget except the fact Kayla and Manbun never did the deed! Cena and Kayla talk about what’s going on and for what it’s worth the two are cool. In the meantime, Ike finds his daughter as Ike and her talk out what’s up with her daughter and Ike admits he was wrong in not being there for his daughter as her daughter tells him she’s a lesbian and Frank and her mom doesn’t know and neither of her friends either because she’s afraid of losing them. After the three parents find themselves on solid ground with their kids, they decide to have a few shots. Meanwhile Julie does the deed, Kayla finds herself cool with her friends, Sam comes out, and the movie ends as it cuts to three months later as Julie heads on out to UCLA and a road trip with Kayla and Sam and the parents getting punked after they thought their daughters were up to more mishaps but I guess everything they went through had an effect on Cena as he and his wife decide to well... (Cut to mid-credit scene of John Cena and his wife playing nearly naked Blind Man’s bluff before someone related to the two walks in before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “Blockers” and what else can I say except YOWZA! (Cut to clips of “Blockers” as James does a voiceover and 1:38-2:23 from “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf plays in the foreground of the clips)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie just was so Nucking Futs and keep in mind, the first true Teen Sex Comedy I ever saw was “Porky’s” and I was 12 and save for one trip that gave me Vietnam Flashback to "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" acting wise everyone pulls out a decent performance. The Story doesn’t drag on, the comedy isn’t too unbearable, and I really found myself enjoying this more I saw it. I say for those who are 18 and over give it a watch. Anyone else just wait it’ll be worth it. (Cut to James and Julia physically on the couch)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and… (Knock on the door) I’ll get that. (James walks away and the audio of the door opens, and James says, “Oh Hello, Alex your family is here, please cut off the review!” Julia Alexa Miller uses her Sonic Screwdriver as it cuts to black before the words “Several hours later” is seen on screen before cutting to James as he sits and sighs on the couch.)

TLOTA:
Wow, what a day! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in with a drink for herself and him)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, the positive was you got along with my family. They really enjoyed your cooking and I heard what you and my family were talking about. James, trust me they really like you and you don’t have to be afraid of any of them not even my parents. That crowd in Sullivan County New York, now they are what you should be afraid of. (“Go, Go, Power Rangers is heard coming out from James) Is that your phone?

TLOTA:
Yeah, let me get that. Hello? Okay. Right Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, Really? As long as I get to do the review with minimum interference Renee, Whatever John Cena movie you want I’ll do! Thanks. Yeah, I’ll be back soon. (James ends call) Well apparently Renee is sorry for driving me out of the studio and is willing to let me work on the last review in my Cena marathon in peace. The Caveat, I’ve got to review a John Cena movie that she wants me to review. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller getting up)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, if you go back there, the odds aren’t good on… (James kisses her.) Okay James, I’ll trust you. Good Luck.

TLOTA:
I’ll see you for Valentine’s Day. I love you.

Julia Alexa Miller:
I know. (James walks away as the sound of James’ time and space device takes off as Julia Alexa Miller stands there with a scared for James’ sanity look on her face before she sees a box on the Coffee table and an envelope with the words “Do not open until Valentine’s Day” before slamming to black)