Reality Checkout: "Survivor" and the Series spawn from it!

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal.)

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of , Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and “Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.) 

(The scene changes to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, in his office.)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And it is time once again for "Reality Checkout. (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to the TV in the lobby, as he turns it on and sees more Reality TV on every network than he can deal with. )

(James decides to look through his library for anything else and sees a portion of it, filled with so much reality TV that would make a Network Executive who enjoys Reality TV Splooge. He tosses all of the Reality TV Series on DVD and the TV into the most disgusting trash can. James tosses in large amounts of Flammable liquids and throws a bomb, which explodes, releasing the slime and remnants of the DVDs and TV, spelling out "Reality Checkout" as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Fifty seasons!  FIFTY SEASONS OVER A TWENTY-FIVE-YEAR PERIOD! HOLY SHIT! (Cut to the different intros and clips of "Survivor" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Survivor"! This is a series whose time has come to be checked out! What keeps bringing people back to this series, which should have lasted at least several years, if that? Today, we're going to explore what motivates people to travel to foreign lands with nothing but the clothes on their backs and minimal possessions. However, we must delve into the backstory of this series and discover how everything changed when it premiered in the summer of 2000. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's take a look at what makes this series the Burning Heart of CBS, although there have been other series that have kept the network going since its inception. Let's take a look at why "Survivor" has been one of the many reality series that only wish they could be. (Cut to clips of "Expedition Robinson/ Robinson" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The series, originally titled "Expedition Robinson" and now known as "Robinson," was an international success in the early 1990s. The series creator, Charlie Parsons, sought to successfully sell the series to the American Television Market. Enter Mark Burnett, who was able to convince the then-president of CBS, Les Moonves, to give Mark and Charlie a chance to put their show on the schedule in the Summer of 2000. (Cut to clips of "Survivor" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And with some tinkering, a good casting agent, and a budget to overcome challenges, "Survivor" became the first big reality series of the 2000s, thanks in part to "Water Cooler" talk. Meaning that we, as humans, would discuss the show with others, and talk about it on the job and at watch parties, before the Internet and Social Media allowed us to talk about the show. It quickly became the series that people were watching in droves, a continual success for the network best known for "The Price Is Right." The network for many great series like "M*A*S*H," "Everybody Loves Raymond,""The Dukes Of Hazzard," and other classic series. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So I decided to ask people what made this series successful. (Cut to clips of "Survivor," "The Amazing Race," and "Big Brother" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
A lot of people say, "It's the competition and how the contestants react to the pressure of it in these surroundings," To which I say, okay, that's a good point. The problem with that statement is that they repeat those events over and over until they get the footage. Even with multiple cameras, this is an edited show, and the editor and staff will use whatever footage they deem necessary. It is in the contracts that everything they do on that show is theirs to use at their discretion, lock, stock, and barrel. Meaning, if they want to portray someone in real life who is a scumbag as a patron saint of the game, that's how they will spin it! They can make the intensity of a game look more intense when, in real time, it is easier than taking a shot of whiskey. Save for any of the challenges involving food from the area. We also have statements from the showrunner claiming that this is a long-standing Reality game show; he just shows what happens before and after the competition. Okay, Mark, then riddle me this: what happens when your contestants are either so exhausted from trying to stay warm and clean, while finding food and water, and wonder how they'll get through the challenge? Oh wait! AGAIN MULTIPLE CAMERAS, THUS MULTIPLE TAKES ON THE SAME PIECE OF CONTENT! Now, granted, there are times when real injuries and real personal moments involving the contestants occur; however, since these happen so often on the show, things do get real, and not the type of reality that Reality TV likes to thrive on.  Then, people come saying that it's a unique take on the travelogue genre. Um, am I watching the same show you guys are? Unless you're referring to "The Amazing Race," which emerged from the success of the series, much like how "The Real World" spawned many of a similar reality series like itself, a summer reality series staple, or "Big Brother," which, like "Survivor," is an international import to the US, thank you, international Reality TV Genre. However, one of the things that everyone claims is that many people have become successful even without winning the million dollars. While that is true, their success doesn't last long. However, the fact that people are known from Survivor means ten successful stories have come from this series. (Cut to specific "Survivor" performers and what they're up to right now as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
10) Elizabeth Filarski Hasselbeck

She was on "Survivor: The Australian Outback," If the name doesn't ring a bell, then allow me to share with you something you can look up on YouTube, clips of her on "The View" going toe to toe with Rosie O'Donnell, and it taking up most of an episode's run time, having been one of the hosts from 2003 until 2013!

9) Jenna Morasca

She was on "Survivor: The Amazon." While she did win the million, she also went on to have a relationship with her "All-Stars" co-star and fellow winner in the "Africa" season, Ethan Zohn. She also had a run in professional wrestling with TNA Wrestling, as well as another well-known character from Survivor, Jonny Fairplay, for a brief stint.

8) Colleen Haskell

After coming up short in the first season, she made the most of her fifteen minutes in Hollywood by appearing on game shows, talk shows, and even in a movie. What was that movie again? (Show the poster of the Rob Schneider vehicle "The Animal," which was produced by Happy Madison, and audible sounds of James crying and screaming. Cut to specific "Survivor" performers and what they're up to right now as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

7) Rob Cesternino

While becoming a podcaster about Survivor after appearing on the series twice is something most people who do their own thing, the only reason is that he is a fellow New Yorker. He has made some other appearances in media, roasting Survivor as much as everyone else has.

6) Rupert Boneham

Known for his gentle giant persona and the wealth he amassed during his tenure in the series, he leveraged that into creating a charity and a gubernatorial run in Illinois, which was not successful. However, he has gone on to become a very well-known personality due to his time on "Survivor." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
The next few people were already famous before they appeared on the show, and it gave them a boost, for the most part, to their careers. Save for the couple at the number one spot. (Cut to specific "Survivor" performers and what they're up to right now as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

5) Lisa Whelchel

Formerly known as Blair on "The Facts Of Life," and a brief stint in the early 1970s with Disney's first attempt at rebooting one of their properties, i.e., The Mickey Mouse Club. After Lisa's time on "The Facts Of Life," Lisa settled into parenthood and a life as a Christian motivational speaker and musician. When the opportunity to appear on "Survivor" arose, she needed another job. Fortune smiled on Whelchel as she went on to parley that success into a new series, hosting a travelogue series called "Collector's Call," where she met with collectors of memorabilia and saw what they were willing to trade for a piece they'd like to add to their collection. Not too shabby a comeback.

4) John Hennigan, AKA John Morrison, AKA Johnny Nitro, AKA Johnny Mundo, AKA Johnny Impact, AKA Johnny TV, AKA JOHN WRESTLER! (Oy gevalt the mensch has got more aliases than Sydney Bristow!)

This individual appeared in the thirty-eighth season partly because another of Mark Burnett's series, "Lucha Underground," was canceled on the now-defunct "El Rey" Network. But before appearing on both Lucha Underground and "Survivor," he had already won multiple wrestling championships from different organizations, including the WWE. If this were to fulfill his contract with Burnett, then I applaud him for being able to pivot in the way a Parkour champ like him would do to make sure that he got another boost. 

3) Jimmy Johnson

Former coach of the University of Miami and Dallas Cowboys and former NFL analyst. Johnson did this for the adventure. He was already financially set from his career, which included coaching the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl and the University of Miami to an NCAA Football Championship. Sometimes people do this type of stuff because they think it's fun, not my type of fun, but then again, I will not judge.

2) Mike White

That's right, the creator, writer, and director of the HBO series "The White Lotus" drew inspiration from his time on "Survivor" for the series. This series inspired an anthology about a mysterious hotel that appears at random, and the guests who stay for a week delve deeper into their darker mentalities after its creator appears on "Survivor." That's creepy and weird if you think about it too long.

TLOTA (V.O.):
And The Number one couple who are the most successful story from "Survivor" are Boston Rob and Amber Mariano!

Now, alone, they were two different series, but when they met in the first of many "All-Stars" seasons of "Survivor," it was apparent when they started out as an alliance, and from there, the sparks flew. As much as that "All-Star" season was about the question of what would happen when former competitors decided to return for a second round, that became the B-plot to the A-plot of Rob and Amber's romance, leading to the finale in which Rob proposed to Amber on National television. The two have been married since 2005, with four children, and have made multiple appearances on other competition series for money. I am not surprised that they are the most successful love story and couple that emerged from "Survivor" (Cut to clips of Mark Burnett as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, as much as the other contestants made themselves successful, the producer of this series went on to do other series, one I will not for the sake of my own career, not to mention, one I have mentioned already, "Lucha Underground," series like "Shark Tank," "The Voice," "Bully Beatdown," helped produce series like "The Housewives" series on Bravo and Christian based series and movies with his wife former "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey!  (Cut to clips of Jeff Probst as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jeff Probst has been a solid constant in the series and has had hosting duties on other shows before and after the series, and had acting gigs on shows like "MADtv," so obviously the show isn't a career killer. (Cut to clips of "Survivor" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The fact that they've had such a solid formula that not only attracts viewers but also encourages them to compete on the series means it is not going anywhere. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And outside of the creator of "The White Lotus," I still think of the people who are still scraping by trying to make it big as a writer or producer or director but knowing that the money and time allotted for it winds up for "Survivor" and even though it won't go away, for many it checks out as the only thing that I will say is that since it will never check out, we're stuck doing what we can to combat it and its successors so that it can check out! (Cut to James as a torch is placed in front of him and fills a torch snuffer with his piss and snuffs the flame with the smoke arising and the word "Checkout" coming from the smoke. Cut to James physically.) Now onto the rest of the year. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!

Reality Checkout: Kevin Smith's and Superhero "Reality"

(Scene begins with a finger as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to the finger as it taps an app on his smart watch as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci's office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yes, even Kevin Smith and Superheroes aren't immune to being on Reality TV. But in this case, Reality TV actually works in favor of both, and I just said that, and it's making me question whether or not it's time for me to call it a career. (Cut to the title cards for "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" and "Comic Book Men," then cut to both series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While yes, I normally would tear the cheesiness of one show and the latter's format to shreds. What keeps them from getting read the Riot Act is that the first series is about real people wanting to become real superheroes and do good, and the other is about love most of us share! COMIC BOOKS! So what about both shows that were entertaining enough for me to not tear them apart? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, let's go ahead and check out our first series that dodges the rage of many in my profession, "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And right from the start, we see what we're getting ourselves into. People are trying to be recognized as their superhero alter ego. Our host and judge of this contest is the late and legendary Stan Lee, and you can tell he wanted to make sure that he made the right choice for who he wanted to back as a superhero in a higher echelon of Superhero greatness. While sadly, neither hero impacted the Superhero Comic Book realm, they apparently impacted the definition of what a real "Superhero" can be. Now, I put the word superhero in quotation in that sentence because, for me, the Cape and Spandex crews of Marvel, DC, even Image, and IDW are fantastical ideals that people use for inspiration to better themselves. Still, if you think coming up with a costume, non-lethal weapons, or in the case of some real lethal weapons and think you can stop crime, then brother, you have issues that would send Sigmund Freud to the funny farm! (Cut to James physically as he looks at his attire.)

TLOTA:
What? I'm an internet reviewer; I have a right to look like this. (Cut to clips of "Kick-Ass" and "Kick-Ass 2" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is what both "Kick-Ass" movies tried to warn us about when it comes to playing "Superhero." Our actions have real-world consequences, especially when we decide to allow ourselves the right to eschew the people who use the legal system to put criminals away the right and legal way. For as much as we as a society have let vigilantes slide and allow them to play judge, jury, and, in many cases, executioner, the fact is they're in over their heads, and the escalation can come back in ways NO one should want nor would I wish upon them. But I digress.

(Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The series was short-lived, but again, what made the show memorable was Stan Lee and the fact that this series wanted to celebrate good people wanting to do good things. Yes, that was something that no actual "Reality" shows have done before or since the series premiered and then ended just as it got its bearings. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And yes, I went someplace that I thought would have it, and they laughed at me, rightfully so. But then again, knowing that this place was the center of an AMC reality show may make me look and sound like a hypocrite, but you know what? I've always wanted to go there and talk about the series. (Cut to the intro to "Comic Book Men," then the show clips as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Much akin to "Pawn Stars," "Comic Book Men" was the daily going ons at "Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash." The difference is it may have had its more outrageous moments like, say, having Dean Cain, aka TV's Superman from "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and who was a part of "Smallville" and "Supergirl" celebrate with Superman fans Superman's birthday at the Stash or having Nichelle Nichols getting a Mego action figure version of herself in Mint Condition. The series always had more interesting events than even reality TV shows could have, like finding a collection of artwork that belonged to an artist and because the artist didn't have a 401k plan (Some bigger Comic Book companies had no respect for the artists and creators, still don't to this day) our crew rally together at auction to sell an entire collection for this artist's widow and family. Unlike other reality shows, where each one does a one-on-one with the camera to say what they had to say. They said it to each other and their host, Kevin Smith. Speaking of "The Host" and "Crew," the series consisted of Kevin Smith, Walt Flannigan, Ming Chen, Mike Zapcic & Bryan Johnson. They all had their parts. Kevin, of course, is the host. Walt is the defacto operator of the Stash, Bryan is the Randal Graves of the team, and Mike is the guy who comes in, does his job, and enjoys his life, especially when Hurricane Katrina came and decimated his collection and everyone rallied to help him rebuild it, and Ming, sadly, was the one who had to take everyone's crap, but that doesn't mean they hated him, far from it; what I liked was his optimism and his ability to be able to take everything they toss his way in stride and they occasionally threw the dude a bone, like having Freddy Krueger himself Robert Englund celebrate Ming's birthday. They even had an episode that I think was network-mandated in which they had to talk about "The Walking Dead," which, for those not in the Comic Book Know, was created by Robert Kirkman as a black-and-white indie comic and was distributed by Image Comics. However, whether or not it was simply not doing as well, seeing as how the aforementioned Walking Dead was their lead-in, they should've done Gangbusters ratings-wise, or whether it was simply the fact that AMC felt the show had run its course, The "Comic Book Men" were axed after a multiple year run which in my opinion was a wrong decision. Thankfully, the series has been getting shown in reruns on streaming services.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But for all intents and purposes, We could use these shows back, at least "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (Cut to clips from both shows as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as I would love to see less Reality TV and more shows with written and well-developed characters, stories, and plots. However, sometimes, we need to see the superhero within all of us, even at our lowest points in life. We can be inspired to be better than we are now. One place where we need to see more people being celebrated for being heroes is in Reality TV. While yes, there have been reality shows that showed our law enforcement in a strong and positive light in their own right. We also need to see if and how the ordinary person is inspired to improve by becoming a superhero and working within the law's legal status. We also need to see if they can be close to the echelon of great superheroes of our past in selling comic books, and we will always want to be able to see if we can achieve the standards they set for us. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
This means for the second time in a LONG time, not just one but two series in reality TV check out as good entertainment. (Cut to James on the rooftop of a building, revealing a shirt that says "Checks Out!" and falling screaming into a pile of trash! Cut to James in his office.) I'd like to know what else I will be hit with. Let me check the schedule. (James looks at his schedule) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and I will have, on the Linkara Combine Harvester mental breakdown scale, a "Future's End" level breakdown! See everyone in March! (James runs off screaming. The scene fades to black. We find James and Julia Alexa Miller as we cut to the island. She sadly hands James back his ring, and the song "Goodbye Pond" plays through the scene from the seventeen-second mark until the end of the song, and the two are centered silhouetted by a sunset.)

James Faraci:
I...

Julia Alexa Miller:
Don't make this harder for you and me than it should be. I know this is hurting you, killing you inside, but...

James Faraci:
I will always treasure what we mean to each other. I loved you and expected everything to happen differently.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Don't think that this is...

James Faraci:
It is. No matter how much we tried, there would never be a way this would work. She's calling for you. I will always love you, Julia Alexa Miller. 

Julia Alexa Miller:
And I will love you too, James Faraci. (Julia Alexa Miller grabs James' watch, and then the two kiss their last kiss as Julia Alexa Miller tearfully walks towards the ocean and becomes a mermaid for the final time. Cut to James as he looks down at the ring and throws the ring into the ocean. Verve picks it up and swims away, and James falls on his knees, crying, knowing it is over. The scene fades to black as the "To Be Continued In "The Last Of The Americans: The Movie" burns away.)

Reality Checkout: The MOTHER of all of the "K"'s "Gosselin"

(Scene begins as a hand as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci's office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Let me say the following, I am a feminist; I support women, especially those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of all. Those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of themselves and then use what they have to act uncontrollably and make everyone's life a nightmare, THEN I will go and give you the ration of shit you wish to serve everyone who doesn't kowtow to you because guess what, YOU'RE NOT A QUEEN! YOU ARE THOSE ANNOYING NIGHTMARES THAT CAUSE MEN TO JUMP OFF THE GRAND CANYON! However, I will not call you by the popular term, partly due to the fact that the term is a certain person in my family with that name. Instead, I will call you what you are, KATE GOSSELINS! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): And believe it or not, this is something I meant to do, even in my MySpace days, a follow-up to talk about this cold-blooded venomous demon woman who drove her husband to infidelity, drove men to either Alcohol and eventual taking of their own lives or just trying to hire a "Contractor" to coin the phrase to "Handle" Kate Gosselin and that was back in the day she had her fifteen seconds of infamy! Nowadays, she occasionally pops up on a reality show, and her tenure doesn't last long, THANKFULLY! But again, back in the day, she tried to be on any and every show to basically emasculate her long-time Ex-Husband, Jon, and for the record, He's no saint either! But today, to help jumpstart my tenth anniversary, I will do something for this mother of eight kids that no one in their right mind would do then or now! Give her one last drop of notoriety before someone FINALLY puts her out of everyone's misery! And full disclosure, I didn't like her back in my MySpace days, so believe me, I will show her even less mercy than before! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now to understand this evil creature, we must start at the beginning of her existence! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

Kate was born or spawned from the depths of hell in Pennsylvania in 1975. While working as an OB-GYN nurse at the Reading Hospital and Medical Center, at a company picnic, she met Jon Gosselin; sparks flew from the get-go, and in 1999, the couple married. After fertility treatment in 2000, the couple welcomed twins prematurely, and later she would end up with SIX MORE KIDS AGAIN PREMATURELY! And apparently, this got them on a reality series called "Home Delivery," in which their episode was not well received. OH, HOW I WONDER WHY?! However, SOMEONE who was either completely in league with the demon spawn that brought Kate out into the world or with the dark lords that allowed her birth to happen somehow watched that episode and gave the family a two-special deal on Discovery Health and that, in turn, led the family to the reality show that turned "The Learning Channel" into the "TLC" that few people watch today except to support the Reality Circus Sideshow series that we all know about and HOPEFULLY very few watch to this day! But, AGAIN, back in the day, this series made the network into what it is today. As the series went on, we saw Kate light the fuse that would lead to her family's destruction. She used the fame from the show to make herself look better and tell me, if you have seen one of those K women, you have seen that haircut before! And if you look at the clips of How Kate emasculated Jon on the series as the series goes on, TELL ME, you have not seen those K women do that to SO many men and others! Well, now every man and person negatively affected by those K women know who to either go after or, if you are one of those K women, then you know who to praise for being able to be as evil as she was. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now you're probably thinking, what did Kate do that those K women haven't done. Well, Kate made it a popular thing to do, or rather, for those K women, it allowed them the ability to get away with that crap! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): She drove her husband, who, as far as I'm concerned, is no different than the former Mrs. Gosselin, to infidelity, and again, She is no saintly woman, except for those K women, she thought she could act the way she could and be with other men! It's no surprise that the tabloids went on a rabid foaming frenzy. Of course, when things were televised, the audience didn't seem that surprised, nor would they be sympathetic to either of these cheating scumballs. So when they decided to divorce, it gave people more of a reason to despise both of the adults and be afraid for the wellbeing of the children. And when Jon left the series, it was retooled as "Kate plus Eight!" which only those K women really enjoyed. As for everyone else, the audience left the series in droves! And when it got canned, everyone rejoiced! However, two things remained after the end of the series, and neither was the better thing in the series. The first of the two things was Kate, who went on a Reality TV tear trying to recapture the glory and "Fix her reputation" and make her "Sympathetic," which neither happened! Everyone around her just did all they could to keep them sane while being around her until she wound up on "Dancing With The Stars" as she became the Marquis de Sade, and the judges had to deal with her for several weeks as if they were being tormented by the Spanish Inquisition! (Cut to James and a trio of priests from the Spanish Inquisition as the Monty Python shock music of the Spanish Inquisition comes in someplace in James' office)

The Grand Inquisitor: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

TLOTA: Maybe Monty Python fans like myself! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): As I was saying, I felt bad for the judges, especially the late Len Goodman, and it appeared that after that and an attempt to get Kate a new punching bag and one last appearance in a competition show, She thankfully has since faded away, hopefully for good. Her influence, unfortunately, has not gone away. It has led to those K women becoming an evil unto themselves! Though there have been people who have been fighting back. Quinn Pratt, NO RELATION TO CHRIS, has been telling tales about those K women and his family and how they have fought them like the cancer they are to feminism. There are tales of women who have been giving those K women Tsouris until they either back off or run off to be an asshole another day. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But for all we have done, they will still come like nobody's business until we take Kate Gosselin and show her the evil she has unleashed and force her to see what she has done to the human race, what she has done to set the clocks back on so much civility between males and females, what she has done to give crazy people a voice and a face to emulate, what she has done to her family AND then let her children know that what she and their dad did was wrong. (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): And what's worse, while Jon, who is still a D-Bag, may have asked for his children's forgiveness, Kate either cannot or does not have such compassion. And it will be Mother's Day by the time this comes out. I don't envy the cards she'll get from her children if they even think she's worth their time to waste on such a cold-blooded, inhuman, unholy, vile, despicable, profane, sacrilegious, infernal demon spawn of a person that gave birth to possibly eight of the most screwed up children to ever exist! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: This is why I say this to any Reality TV producer desperate for someone to have a face for their show, do yourself a favor, and not only do you not consider Kate Gosselin for your reality tv project, chuck her ass to the curb and tell Kate Gosselin the mother of all of those K women that until she gets humbled and sees the evils she has done, tell her to check out PERMANENTLY from reality tv! (A Loud shaking sensation is felt and seen on the building as James sees a mob of Angry, Crazy, and Sadistically WRONG women emulating their Icon, Kate Gosselin, outside the front door wanting to Bobbitize James)

TLOTA: Well, I seem to have gotten their attention, now to call the police and have them charged for making false claims, attempted murder, and anything else I can charge them with. And don't expect to hear from me until June for my tenth-year anniversary! I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion.

Reality Checkout: "The Real World" destruction of MTV

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality T.V. series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality T.V. series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting to the MTV Launch video from 1981 and Music Videos as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1981 MTV was launched and became synonymous with one idea redefining what music would be like forever and while they did try some original programming like game shows and dance series like "Club MTV" and different shows centered around different genres of music like " Headbangers Ball", "120 Minutes" & "Yo MTV Raps!". However, by 1991 the network was starting to change and promote a different series, which was based on a documentary series that was loosely inspired by "An American Family," a series that saw the destruction of The Loud Family and no, I do not mean that series on "Nickelodeon." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the series was meant to show the youth of the generation, or how TV Producers think what the youth of the generation was and the series had the following opening phrase that changed the course of MTV forever! "This is the true story...of seven strangers...picked to live and work together...and have their lives taped...to find out what happens...when people stop being polite...and start getting real...THE REAL WORLD" (Cut to the opening of every season so far of The Real World then to clips of the "The Real World" series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
When it debuted The Real World ultimately changed the fate of MTV forever. The Real World was about finding seven young people to basically live together for several weeks in a flat in New York City and what they'd be like just trying to exist and having to deal with people and situations outside of their control. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Under different circumstances, had things been written out with a plot and storyline, that would've made an excellent idea for a sitcom! Except the producers DID have written ideas that the cast was against. Cut to clips of "The Real World" as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
 That's right, the production company that eventually gave us the satanic evil of The Kardashians and their reign of reality tv, Bunim and Murray Productions, had planned storylines for the series, including one of the castmates to "come out of the closet" as it were. That castmate quietly and quietly did that before joining the series. Then there was the point where there were arguments over the most ridiculous things. By today's Reality T.V. low as hell standards are rather childish. Now there are those that have said "Oh it broke ground because it talked about this subject or for talking about certain taboos in a realistic light." Well, let me tell you something, while yes it did handle subjects, I think of episodes of "Law & Order" that handled the situations better than "The Real World". "Well, it had someone both openly out of the closet and had AIDS and that person really died." While yes, I was aware of Pedro Zamora and the circumstances he had during the San Francisco season, and I was saddened when he passed away hours after the final episode of his season ended, I cannot, in all honesty, believe in that level of timing unless Pedro was in worse shape than he let on in the San Francisco season. "It set the template for other reality shows!" AND THAT'S A GOOD THING?! It's like being the first person who said that 2+2 equalling "IFLYDACHOOCHOO!" was right and all of a sudden it became the norm while the real answer was carelessly discarded without facts or scientific proof to back it up. Not something to truly be proud of! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the sad thing is, it's legacy and what it did to not only MTV but also to Television itself. (Cut to different reality shows as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It begat other Reality Shows on MTV like "The Challenge" & "Road Rules", "Ridiculousness" and two series about Teen Pregnancy. Then there was the series that begat shows like "The Anna Nicole Show" & most of the series that is on TLC, A&E, Discovery and The History Channel, Series like "The Osbournes", "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica" and series that became popular because the shows were on MTV, A network that was meant to help older musical bands reach new audiences and discover newer musical artists and give them a chance to shine.  Now MTV is mediocre television with reality shows left and right. It is a shame, it could've been avoided if MTV didn't milk the series for what it's worth and then decide that is what they need to be relevant. The sad thing is, even with a pandemic, with the world now teetering towards destruction, even after leaving MTV for Facebook's Video Services only to now be a part of Paramount+, the series is going on as we speak! This series also had its knock-off with "The Surreal Life" which had a group of what many would consider Z-Level Celebrities living in a house and having the cameras in their face all the time. And of course, the show also made celebrities just from being there, aside from Pedro Zamora, Judd Winick went on to marry his former co-star and work in the Comic Book industry, Rachel Campos-Duffy is in news, not saying which network because let's face it, the news is all the same right now, unwatchable and Oh yeah, her husband is former representative and Real World Co-Star Sean Duffy, Then, of course, there is Mike "The Miz" Mizanin whom I've talked about in the past, Tami Roman, who was the target of what was meant to be a harmless prank that led to a meltdown that only Reality TV would produce, ultimately had a resume in acting and Reality-TV that would put most to shame, Trishelle Cannatella who also went on to do more Reality TV, some I've already talked about and a myriad of others who have gone on to a level of success in entertainment and other ventures. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that is the story of a series that has become the all-father of all reality series and how people choose to sacrifice their souls, to stop being humans and start being real enough for fifteen nanoseconds of fame. But as far as I'm concerned, it is time for The Real World to be evicted, and take every single series that has spawned from its loins and checkout! (A knock on the door is heard as James looks up and sees "The Real World" logo as it grows arms, throws its keys at James, and leaves with expletive beeps coming out of whatever counts for its mouth and walks out the main door in disgust, slamming it shut. Cut to a very confused James)

TLOTA:
Well, it can't get weirder than that ladies and gentlemen. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A knock on the door is heard) One moment. (James walks away as we hear James say "He did what?", "Someone actually won it?", "Now they're coming here for a crossover and it's their choice?!". Cut to the outside of the studio as James' shout of "CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" echoes throughout Sullivan County, eventually throughout the United States, The World from inside the planet and then a shot of the earth from outer space!)

Reality Checkout: "Schmo"-ing in Hell

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Believe it or not, when most people think of Kristen Wiig it's easy to think of her time on Saturday Night Live and of course movies like "Paul", "Bridesmaids", "Friends With Kids", "The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty",  (Cut to the Poster of "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call" as James says "Yeah, That". Cut to the Posters of "Despicable Me 2" & "Despicable Me 3" as James says "Oh wow! That's cool!". Cut to the Poster of "Zoolander 2" as James says "Yeesh!". Cut to the poster of "Wonder Woman 1984" as James says "It's on my short list of movies to review for my eighth anniversary!". Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA: 
The point is every star has their starting point and for Kristin and a few others, they got their big break or perhaps the biggest on this one reality show! (Cut to the title card of "The Joe Schmo Show" then clips of the series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
"The Joe Schmo Show" was meant to be a spoof on the usual characters you'd see in such a trash heap except for one person and that person was THE Joe Schmo that the series was centered around and it was created by the duo of Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese who went on to do the first two Deadpool movies so even the creators went on to greater success after the series ended. The first season started off making fun of the type of "Survivor"-Esque series, the Faux Reality Series was called in the first season "Lap Of Luxury" in which the "Winner" would win $100,000.00 and the center of the series was Matt Kennedy Gould and the fact he thought it was, in fact, a Real "Reality Show" started we saw him at his most earnest because he thought these characters were as real as a cast-iron skillet. But as the season went on they tried to rig it to have Gould win it. However in one contest in which Wiig got hit hard in the head which had everyone worried about whether or not to continue on the show. However, the people in charge went with the old adage "The Show Must Go On" however they decided to make changes to the games for the sake of everyone's safety but still they set it up for Matt to get the win. However they also made sure to get in their fair share of twists and turns such as apparently, the Vestal Virginal Blond Bombshell had a boyfriend who made an appearance and became horrified by what was going on, then of course one of the contestants turned out to have cheated which led "Host" Ralph Garmin to throw him out only for him to return and win when that same damned character reveals to be an actor and as everyone else revealed themselves to be an actor it leads to the moment that has been seared into the culture for a while. (Cut to the clip of Matt Kennedy Gould asking "What Is Going On?") Of course, when it happened it was at the finale when everyone was hoping Matt wouldn't go on an ass-kicking of everyone there and apparently they revealed the real emotional love they had for the guy. He had earned every penny of that money. And to everyone's surprise, it was a hit show for the Spike Network "The First Network For Men" which is now the Paramount Network.  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Now after that season, I'm sure people would've been more aware of the scenarios well, again the men who wrote the first two Deadpool movies decided to do something that a Lifetime Drama series would do but to my amazement, the people did this series, I think did it better and was better at hiding the fact the series was scripted that is until one of the contestants would figure it out early on! (Cut to clips of Joe Schmo 2 as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Joe Schmo 2 originally a set of two people brought in on a Romantic Reality Series concept brought from the good old U.K. entitled "Last Chance For Love" and while Ralph Garmin returned they actually were able to show he could perform as he played the British host Derek Newcastle as new schmos Tim Walsh and Ingrid Wiese were to be contestants vying for the attention of newly separated couple Austin and Piper played by Tim Herzog and Valerie Azlynn. However right away the show was going down as in the first few minutes as the female schmo Ingrid Wiese was quick to discover that this and most reality shows are a load of Hooey and this was as fake as real Reality Shows. By the third episode, Ingrid figures it out and was given an offer, stay on as a member of the cast of the "Reality Show" and he'd get the same as Tim and new female schmo Amanda Naughton. By the end of the second series we go through the usual Romantic Reality crap and they didn't just parody it, they flat out took it to the meat grinder just for jollies! That is something "UNReal" should've been more about. A humorous satire of the drama not only in front of the screen but behind it as well. While in the end, it was Deja Vu, it was a welcomed and surprisingly refreshing way for a reality series to end. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That is until the attempt to bring it back NINE years after the first two series. (Cut to The Joe Schmo Show: The Full Bounty as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The third and final series featured a spoof on "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" played by Ralph Garmin and a weird appearance by Lorenzo Lamas while there was nothing different in terms of pacing and satirizing "Reality TV" characters, there was actually nothing really to make me interested in watching the show which the Schmo Chase Rogan didn't figure it out until the series was over like the others save for Ingrid but even then they did try unsuccessfully to keep the mystique of it being a real "Reality Show". However, by the point in this series was stale! The "Reality TV" cliches were not only passe, even satirizing them seemed passe! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And despite certain hurdles, there were actual success stories from this "Reality Show" and I can list ten off the top of my head! (Cut to clips of certain people from each season of "The Joe Schmo Show" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Number 10)
Lance Krall

TLOTA (V.O.):
While he played "Kip" on the show, he also went on to be the creator of both "The Lance Krall Show" which was a comedy sketch show, and "Free Radio", He was also on "MONK" and worked as a writer on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia". Speaking of that series 

Number 9)
David Hornsby

TLOTA (V.O.):
David played "The Hutch" on the show, he went on to be on shows like "Six Feet Under" and "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" and movies like "Aliens Vs Predator: Requiem" and married Emily Deschanel AKA Dr. Temperance Brennan from the series "BONES"

Number 8)
Jonathan Torrens

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jonathan played "Gerald" on the show, he went on to be on shows like "Degrassi: The Next Generation" and "Letterkenny" as Noah Dyck, he has also done well as a podcaster and writer.

Number 7)
Jon Huertas

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jon played "T.J." on the shows  he went on to be on shows like "Castle", "Elementary", "The Rookie" and "This Is Us" and appeared in movies like "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2"

Number 6)
Lorenzo Lamas

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, Technically this is a cheat because he was famous before the series and after the series, appearing on shows like of all things "Lucha Underground" and "Jane The Virgin" and movies like the third "Sharknado" movie but he

Number 5)
Robert Belushi

TLOTA (V.O.):
Like Lamas, this is a cheat. His uncle was SNL legend John Belushi and his dad is Jim Belushi! So he has had some success before and after the show including a stint on the final season of "How I Met Your Mother" among his credits after appearing on the show

Number 4)
Natasha Leggero

TLOTA (V.O.):
Natasha played "Rita" who was known to imbibe on the show. If you haven't had the chance to see her on Comedy Central then you know where her career has gone. She had her fair share of Comedy Central Stand-Up Specials, "Another Period" and been in movies like "He's Just Not That Into You", "Neighbors"

Number 3)
Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese

TLOTA (V.O.):
I know this is another cheat as they are the creators but if you can come out of this to actually help Ryan Reynolds make Deadpool come to life after creating as real a "Reality show" can get, then you have more than earned your success!

Number 2)
Ralph Garmin

TLOTA (V.O.):
Ralph was the host in all three seasons but played two other host characters Derek Newcastle and Jake Montrose on The Joe Schmo Show. What has he done? (Cut to posters of Podcasts. TV Shows and Movies in which Ralph has been in even in minor parts) Take Your Pick!

TLOTA (V.O.):
And of course, Kristin Wiig is the number one star to come out of the show, she has done so much since the show I already talked about it and I hope to give Wonder Woman 84 a second chance before I decide to review it.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But what do I think of the show? Well... (Cut to clips of "The Joe Schmo Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is what gave me disdain when it comes to Reality TV and it gladly mocked everything sleazy and disgusting about the genre and the best part is that it is self-aware of the genre it is mocking. Plus under the right circumstances, it needs to be around to slam the genre down to the bottom of the pile of rotten feces it is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
This is the first time I am going to say that this series is alright by me. "The Joe Schmo Show" is the first and HOPEFULLY the only series that checks out as a good series! (Cut to James in different monitors with thumbs up and the words "Checks out in Reality" and the audio clip of Matt Kennedy Gould asking "What is going on?" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well 2020 is starting off rough, hopefully, things get better. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I need a shower to get the sensation of the scum that's growing on me!

Reality Checkout: Are cooking shows Reality TV?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
So a lot of people have been asking me since I have been doing "Reality Checkout" about believe it or not, Cooking shows and they have asked me whether or not they actually are considered Reality TV! To which I have to say... Yes and No! (Cut to clips of "Good Eats", "Guy's Big Bite" "30 Minute Meals" and shows like that as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Shows like "Good Eats", "30 Minute Meals", "Guy's Big Bite" I consider scripted real shows. Because they are based on real events to make a story for the chefs to tell while cooking their dishes. Hell celebrity starred "Dinner at Tiffani's" starring Tiffani Thiessen is something I don't consider a reality tv show. As a matter of fact shows like that would be considered Reality TV if not for the fact that a lot of people saw the recipes on the shows and tried them out. (Cut to clips of  "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" and shows like that as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Shows like "Cheap Eats" or "Man, Fire, Food", "Burgers, Brew and Que" "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" are what I consider Travelogue series. Not Reality TV! They're going town to town and highlighting the local eateries and the people who run the restaurants. The hosts highlight their favorites and what the regulars in the town who eat there find appealing.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However there are cooking shows that have dipped into Reality TV but surprisingly they're not bad! (Cut to clips of the classic "Iron Chef Japan" series, "Iron Chef America", "Throwdown with Bobby Flay", "Beat Bobby Flay", "Cutthroat Kitchen" and shows of that ilk as James does a voiceover)

 TLOTA (Voiceover):
Shows like the original Japanese "Iron Chef", "Iron Chef America", "Cutthroat Kitchen" , "Top Chef" and competition shows like that certainly cross into reality tv territory but not to a point where people look and say "Ugh A Cooking Reality TV Show just like series with those Stinking Kardashians". These are competition series as to see who is the better of either one cook or a team of chefs seeing who is the best. While yes shows like "Top Chef" and "MasterChef" lean more heavily towards the reality tv side of tv again they're still cooking shows because there are recipes that while implausible to the ordinary household cook, like myself they do seem if I had the ingredients and equipment, then yeah it would be more like the type of reality show that I would loathe to watch. However some of these shows do have a common name. Bobby Flay, he started gaining notoriety by Food Network heads as he appeared on the Original Japanese "Iron Chef" series as he apparently cut himself and electrocuted himself. Then came the moment that sent Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto into a foaming frenzy as Bobby Flay after the 60 minute cooking phase of the competition in the match. Flay got on the counter getting the audience in an uproar but Morimoto-San had some strong words (Cut to clip of Masaharu Morimoto as he says "Bobby Flay is not a chef!" Then cut to "Iron Chef America". "Throwdown With Bobby Flay" and "Beat Bobby Flay" as James does a voiceover). 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
However he apparently wowed the heads of Food Network to be an Iron Chef in "Iron Chef America" and apparently he was able to come up with enough of a personality to come up with two more series in which he tries to take on local chefs and chefs where even though they got on Food Network didn't mean they got pushed through to get their own series on it. They had the "Honor" of being beaten by someone who has been by a man who according to recorded facts, sent an assistant while his wife was Ill in the hospital among other things Flay has done wrong. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

The only wrong either personally or professionally he has never done as far as I know is actually appear in a reality show that's disguised as a cooking show. If I'm wrong the comment section is there for a reason. (Cut to clips of "Hell's Kitchen", "Worst Cooks In America" and shows like that as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Shows like "Hell's Kitchen", "Worst Cooks In America", "Cake Boss" and "Ace Of Cakes", "The Next Food Network Star" are in fact Reality TV shows. They may feature chefs and recipes but to me they're reality tv. This is the junk food of Cooking TV shows. Nothing of Substance, empty tv calories and people who watch them wind up getting fat on the stupidity. But if there was an upside to the most recent season of "Worst Cooks" it had to be Alton Brown. He was simply put the only good thing about the latest season. And for the record Alton, You were not bad, you were stuck with people who couldn't learn because they were so stupid that they were able to burn water! You can't fix the stupid Alton! If we could then this Virus that is taking shape would be over! So guess what Alton, If we could get rid of Anne Burrell and bring in someone with dare I say someone who can be Alton's equal then the show maybe a little above where it is now but as is, it's mindless Reality TV. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So just we're clear, Cooking Shows and Cooking Reality TV are two different beasts but I see why they're easily lumped together in the same category and we're to blame. (Cut to Cooking Shows and Cooking Reality TV as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I get that it's easy to lazily lump a show like "30 Minute Meals" with series like "Chopped" or "Hell's Kitchen". But there are differences, you have to be aware to see it. So the next time you see something like "Dinner Impossible" think twice, is it a reality series or is it a travelogue challenge cooking show. Because believe it or not one man's cooking show might not be a reality show but it could be a series they might not stomach but they can try by dousing it in the bad tasting label of Reality TV. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And to further clarify but simply Cooking shows are not Reality TV but Cooking Reality TV is Reality TV and Cooking Reality TV needs a few minor tweaks in order to be as good as Cooking Shows. But for now, it has to Check out! (Cut to James in the kitchen as he looks in the fridge and sees a slice of Pizza with the words Check Out in Mold and tosses it in the garbage. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they finish up the lockdown)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So how long did they say this forced quarantine would be?

TLOTA:
I don't know. ORAC!

ORAC (Audio only):
Yes James, I have received the instructions to recognize only members of Team The Last Of The Americans, Julia Alexa Miller, Yourself or The Landlord and should there be any sign of things returning to normal All will be given a signal.

TLOTA:
But for now we're on Omega Level Shutdown.

Julia Alexa Miller:
For how long?

TLOTA:
I don't know, look I sent the others home before the quarantine was imposed. The second it's over, we announce everything to everyone. I will see you again!

Julia Alexa Miller:
I love you James!

TLOTA:
And I love you Alex. (The two kiss briefly) But you have to go now! ORAC, Engage teleport! (Julia Alexa Miller places her hand up to say goodbye as she teleport fade cuts away. Cut to James as he has a sad look on his face.)

TLOTA:
Okay ORAC! Omega Level Shutdown! (James closes the door as the camera pulls back to see the lights and power shuts down in the studio. Fade to black as a sign says "To Be Continued... In "The Last Of The Americans: The Movie" in 2020" as "2020" quickly appears it quickly disappears and becomes "2021" and fades to black.)

Reality Checkout: Wrestling with "Wreality"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
In 2017, I covered one singular Wrestling Reality TV star Eva Marie, who I heard has gone on to move past her reality tv star status to become a sunglasses/fashion designer and to that I say good for her to find her niche outside of her reality tv fame. But at the time she was, in my opinion, only famous for being a "Wrestler" in title only on Reality TV, that's only because I never saw her as a wrestler, I saw her as a reality tv star and thankfully she's not... (Cut to a still of Eva Marie in "Celebrity Big Brother 2" as James shouts "SON OF A BITCH!" before cutting to James Physically). WHY...ARE... YOU... DOING THIS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN TO DO THIS?! THEN YOU PROVE ME RIGHT BY BEING IN THIS? YOU... YOU... REALITY TV STAR! (James sighs) But I guess it didn't hurt that my memories reminded me specifically that Reality TV and WWE have been together for quite a while! (Cut to clips of "Tough Enough" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
"Tough Enough" was meant to highlight newer talent that the WWE could get behind and show what goes on behind "Sports Entertainment". However after a few years on MTV the series ended there with only a few truly talented superstars being recognized in WWE as well as in Pro-Wrestling. So soon after they reformatted the concept to a challenge on WWE's Raw and Smackdown brands which didn't last long in that format. Then came the third and fourth revival attempt and if you know who went on to succeed, then let me know in the comment section. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However one name that had something of a legacy before he was on reality tv was... One moment (James walks away and whispers are heard in the background for a few seconds before coming back into frame) Okay, just needed some clarity because for a while the name I'm about to say was blacklisted for a while but apparently time has forgiven my next example... (Cut to clips of Hulk Hogan's legendary career as "Real American" by Rick Derringer plays in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Hulk Hogan is considered a legend. Back in the 1980's and 1990's his career was unrivaled by anyone. When he was in the WWE then known as the WWF he turned Pro-Wrestling from bar room fare to family friendly entertainment holding the Championship several times throughout the 1980's. Making a name for himself at WrestleMania 3 as he took on Andre The Giant. When the Hulkster jumped from WWF to the then rival WCW in the mid-1990's he helped keep wrestling going after one of the best Heel turns in the biz when he, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash formed the n.W.o. However by the late 2000's, Hulk's career in the ring started to wind down a bit and he needed to find a new niche for his career. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And sadly when he found it, his career and personal life went the way of the territory days of Pro Wrestling. That moment happened when he appeared on Reality TV! (Cut to the intro of "Hogan Knows Best" before cutting to clips of "Hogan Knows Best" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Hogan Knows Best" showed the fans of Hogan a peek into Hogan's personal life ala "The Osbournes" and other reality shows of the same ilk. But the show had a secondary purpose to help Hulk's daughter Brooke start a career in music which went nowhere but downwards quickly and after the series ended things went south for Hogan in his real personal life, Linda had filed for Divorce from Hulk, his son Nick had been arrested on almost killing his friend with his reckless driving and as for Brooke? Well... (Cut to intro to "Brooke Knows Best" before cutting to clips of "Brooke Knows Best" as James continues his voiceover) "Brooke Knows Best" followed Brooke Hogan as she left her very destroyed family in an attempt to start fresh. While she did love her brother and parents, she had to have her own life and with cameras on her and her very long legs. Thankfully after a while Brooke realized that having the camera on her was a liability instead of being a detriment to her career and ended her relationship with Reality TV just as quickly as she started her attempt to bolster her career with "Brooke Knows Best". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Her father on the other hand...Well... (Cut to clips of Hulk Hogan on any Reality TV show he hosted and or was associated with as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
He appeared on so many reality shows including a revamping of "American Gladiators" which was short lived, hosted an Z-List Celebrity challenge show called "Celebrity Challenge Wrestling" a brief appearance on another revamping of "Tough Enough" before some racial slurs blacklisted Hogan again, A small persons pro-wrestling league. Every single appearance on reality TV crippled his legacy, destroyed his legitimacy and turned Hulk Hogan from an Icon to a cartoonish caricature of who he used to be. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
No wonder he nearly contemplated eating a gun. If my legacy was demolished with every appearance in a genre of TV meant to basically look at humans and show us as the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, I'd want to end things as much as Hulk wanted to. But by the mid 2010's WWE needed something to help them return to prominence and as it was mentioned when I ripped Eva Marie for this the WWE went back to Reality TV on the same network that gave us the Kardashians! (Cut to intros to both "Total Divas" & "Total Bellas" before cutting to clips from those series as James does a voiceover about both series.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As I mentioned before in my Reality Checkout of Eva Marie, "Total Divas" was meant to be a  platform to help show what it was like for the women's division of the WWE then known as the "Divas" division and what it would be like for them in the world of Pro Wrestling in the WWE. Of course the breakout star in it's inception was Eva Marie. While eventually her career did end there with many a smark saying "Hallelujah", I eventually felt guilty for saying such a comment and I have since renounced my negative thoughts and emotions towards her. I'm not proud of what I said about her or how her career in the WWE ended but again I am glad that she has found her true career. But I digress, The success of "Total Divas" led to the spin off for Nikki and Brie Bella dubbed "Total Bellas" which looked at Nikki's relationship with John Cena and Brie's with her husband Daniel Bryan. While it did show what their personal relationships were like especially with Brie giving birth to her daughter Birdie it also showed the total destruction of not only the relationship between Nikki and Cena but also the downfall of John Cena's reputation with women as it showed him not only talking down to Nikki but shooting down all her hopes and dreams of a Happily Ever After which included marrying and starting a family with Cena. (Cut to clips of WWE as Miz attacks Cena and then clips of WrestleMania 33 as James continues his voiceover) But the tipping point that tipped me away from siding with Cena happened in a match at WrestleMania 33 in which the build up for the match included former Reality TV Star turned legitimate Wrestling Superstar Mike "The Miz" Mizanin having been eliminated by Cena in the Go Home Pay Per View before WrestleMania 33 and since then Miz took potshot after potshot at Cena. Miz even mocked his relationship with Nikki thanks to the help of Miz's real life wife and WWE Women's Superstar Maryse Ouellet Mizanin which culminated with a mixed tag match as Cena and his then girlfriend Nikki going up against Miz and Maryse. While the match was okay the ending was what sent me over in the most negative of reactions. (Show clip of John Cena proposing to Nikki Bella before cutting to James physically as he takes off his glasses.)

TLOTA:
Cena...HOW... DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU USE MIZ AND MARYSE IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO KEEP NIKKI BELLA AROUND WHEN YOU KNEW YOU WERE ON BORROWED TIME WITH HER! ANY GUY WITH HALF A BRAIN CELL AND A WORKING LIBIDO WOULD DO EVERYTHING FOR A WOMAN LIKE THAT AND THEY WOULD'VE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR HER! AND YOU FRICKING CHOSE THE GRANDEST STAGE OF THEM ALL TO TRY A LAST DITCH GAMBIT TO MAKE IT WORK? WELL GUESS WHAT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT AND "SPOILERS" YOU DID YOUR BEST TO MAKE SURE IT WOULDN'T. HOW DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN! YOU HAD A REAL GOOD THING AND THEN YOU MADE IT CRASH AND BURN ON NIKKI AND BRIE'S REALITY SHOW ON PURPOSE. JOHN CENA YOU ARE A DICK AND THERE WILL BE PROOF OF THAT THANKS TO YOU BEING A PART OF REALITY TV AND THE FACT THAT YOU HURT HER ON REALITY TV SHOULD BE YOUR ONE WAY TICKET TO A VINCE RUSSO LEVEL OF WRESTLING HELL TO WHICH YOU'LL BE STUCK IN FOR ALL ETERNITY! (Sighs) And what's worse... it dragged someone who got out of Reality TV back into it and he dragged his family in there as well, though admittedly his wife was already on "Total Divas" so... Just play the opening and I'll talk about it. (Cut to the Miz's shout of "AWESOME" as the opening credits of "Miz & Mrs." before cutting to clips of "Miz &  Mrs." as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Miz & Mrs" which like "Total Bellas" is a spinoff from "Total Divas" but this time centering on the married life of Mike "The Miz" Mizanin and his wife Maryse and in their very brief first season showed them moving out of their Los Angeles house dubbed Chateau MarMiz to Castle MarMiz aka their home in Houston Texas and in the midst of that Miz and Maryse had their daughter Monroe and for the most part is the least annoying of these Wrestling Reality but that's like saying the least annoying moment for Impact Wrestling in the past few years was Dixie Carter. The reason I gave up enjoying Wrestling full time. Now, don't get me wrong, it's bad but a likable type of bad. I mean I got a chuckle when Marjo blew up the implied nude photo of Miz and Maryse. I loved seeing the birth of Monroe Sky, Their journey to their new home in Austin when they accidentally left Marjo just hours away from their new home was enough to make me realize Miz can make as many mistakes like the rest of us. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But after watching all these Wrestling Reality series, I saw something that'd make Jim Cornette so harshly tear into Vince McMahon for this. Taking the talent he has and exposing their privacy. (Cut to clips of Reality TV starring Wrestling superstars as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Wrestling needs a bit of a mystery, reality shows basically shows the man behind the Wizard Of Oz  and in something like the WWE that's not good unless the mystery is there is no mystery. But still I think that with the veil is gone it takes a lot out of WWE not only in their performers but also in their show. I'm probably the only one to think this but when a Wrestler is no longer the character they are, they deserve the privacy to live the rest of their days in peace and privacy. Shoving a camera in the faces of these performers who no longer are the characters robs them of the little bit of decency left in the legends and basically robs the next generation of their momentum because it basically says "This image from Reality TV is who they are." unless they're The Miz and somehow they're able to turn their Reality TV star status into a necessary joke about who they were in the past and them saying "I am embarrassed to have that be someone's first impression of me because that is the joke. Who I am now is not that joke, who I am is here to perform in the ring and win the championship." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Bottom Line Wrestling needs to check out of Reality TV! (Cut to a physical representation of Reality TV as it walks down the road as it gets RKO'd from out of nowhere as Michael Cole shouts "RKO! RKO!" before cutting to James physically) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!