Connect The Plots: MCU+NETFLIX Marvel Series+ Disney Plus MCU Series=The Snap

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome to another edition of "Connect The Plots" (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to clips of The Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Netflix Marvel Series, and the Disney+ Marvel Series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
At the time of this post, The Marvel Cinematic Universe has become the most successful cinematic franchise BAR NONE! Since the inception of the MCU has made a whopping twenty-three BILLION dollars! And has gone on to make more revenue through their Disney+ series, "Agent Carter", "Agents Of SHIELD" and something that has been questioned since both the "Hawkeye" series and "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is something that had been dismissed by fans as cannon is the Netflix series Starring Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, Iron Fist and The Punisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Why is that? Well, at the time the series was on Netflix, The MCU was in its second phase which ended with Avengers: Age Of Ultron. When they were forcibly ended some were in the middle of good storylines or baiting for more seasons. So as the MCU continued these series fell into obscurity and not helping was the failures of "Marvel's Inhumans" and I wholly understand. But after watching the Disney+ Marvel Series with the exception of Moon Knight which I'm in starting to watch, the Netflix Marvel series, and the MCU. I think I can clear up the canonicity problem with...(James pulls out a fully loaded Infinity Gauntlet) A snap! (The sound of Thor shouting "NO!" is heard as the snap takes place and it cuts to the ending of "Avengers Infinity War", post-credit scenes of "Ant-Man and The Wasp", "Captain Marvel", the scene with Yelena played by Florence Pugh as she disintegrates in "Hawkeye"  and the NETFLIX Marvel Series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
When Thanos snapped the infinity gauntlet the initial fears, sorrows, and confusion hit the populace there were people everywhere trying to make sense of things and in the five boroughs of New York City, the same city where The Avengers was born it was as hard as the weeks went on and people were wondering what had happened to their friends, their family, their loved ones. It was as if the world was over and the ones that survived the snap didn't feel like the lucky ones. Of course, there would also be a sense of anarchy as criminals who wouldn't have been noticed were now feeling more empowered, without The Avengers, who was going to stop them. This is where the story of Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, Danny "Iron Fist" Rand, Jessica Jones, and Frank Castle AKA The Punisher would be connected in the MCU. Where we pick up is after Thanos had been killed weeks after the snap. As The Kingpin would try to rise to power and be a voice that would try to organize the underworld. Then we have the likes of the Purple Man of Jessica Jones played by David Tennant AKA The Tenth Doctor, the villains of Luke Cage and "Iron Fist" would try to do whatever it would take to restore those lost in the snap which is why in The Defenders there was talk about the plans of The Hand had. The Hand possibly lost quite a few million forces to The Snap. Even then if Wilson Fisk AKA The Kingpin played by Vincent D'Onofrio had a run-in with Ronin FKA Hawkeye played by Jeremy Renner, it probably would've happened in Season four of Daredevil if it had happened. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So how does The Punisher fit into the mix? Well... (Cut to the Netflix Marvel The Punisher series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
From the beginning, it looked like Frank Castle's family was taken from him before the start of the MCU. Most likely after Frank left the Armed Forces is when both Frank lost his family and Tony Stark lost his apathy in a cave tormented by Terrorists who would gladly use his tech to kill innocent people. But whereas Tony Stark went on to publicly do right, Frank went on to become The Punisher, hunting criminals and everyone who was close to those who murdered his family in cold blood. After getting what he felt was the justice for his family and the events of the Snap and his time on "Daredevil" he was more than willing to go underground, disappear but when certain things came back to light, Frank had to don the Skull Shirt and go on the hunt once again. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So if these series happened after the snap and before the "ENDGAME" where were they when Earth's mightiest heroes needed them? Well, maybe they were where they needed to be? (Cut to the "ENDGAME" battle with Thanos as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
These were the street-level heroes in the MCU. Any sort of issues that The Avengers were dealing with, The Defenders were making sure the streets were safe from Thanos' attacks should they come to the streets. And with Wilson Fisk in exile until the news of what happened in "ENDGAME" was over would he return in "Hawkeye" and Matt Murdock would be helpful to Peter Parker partly due to the fact that Happy knew that Matt was on Tony Stark's retainer, should things go south. And now with The Avengers have fought their last battle, the remaining Defenders and The Punisher decided now is the time to go back to the shadows of the streets where they came from and try to hide until called for in the MCU. And that's not a bad idea all things considering Tony Stark and all he's done. But even after the "ENDGAME" they deserve to be recognized at the same level as The Avengers were. But after connecting the universes together better than how Mysterio did so in "Far From Home" I can tell you right now. But who knows maybe when I see "Multiverse Of Madness", that movie will do a better job than I did. But for now, at this moment, I enjoy what The Defenders did as much as how The Avengers fought to save the day. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!

April's showers bring A whole lotta "CARNAGE"

(Scene begins with a man in a director’s chair played by Kent Lilly as the sound of “Let There Be Rock” is heard until the song reaches its end.)

The Director:
Aaaaand CUT! That is a wrap for John Ross Santos, Michael Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion, Paulo Fonseca, and James Faraci! (Cut to John, Mike, Andrew, Ed, Paulo, and James as they walk towards the Director dressed in clothing for going to Church.)

TLOTA:
Wow! This is amazing! Andy Serkis directed our music video satirizing “AC/DC”’s Let There Be Rock with the lyrics being about Venom & Carnage! (Cut to Andy Serkis as he gets a drink)

Andy Serkis:
Well, it was good training. (Cut to John, Mike, Andrew, and Ed)

John Ross Santos:
For what I may ask?

Andy Serkis:
A movie I’m directing and it will be great for me to get behind the camera! It just so happens to be the sequel to the first Venom movie. (Cut to James as he takes off his Jacket)

TLOTA:
How advantageous of our predicament, I have just finished reviewing Venom and I am currently working out how to handle the jokes and story for the review for the sequel. (Cut to Andy Serkis as disturbing music begins to play.)

Andy Serkis:
Well, I hope you do right by me, for this movie will be my next time in the director’s chair. It will be mine! It will be fantastic! It will be (Starting to sound like Gollum): my…precious! 

(Cut to James and the others as they smile uncomfortably at Andy as the scene cuts to a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci & Kent Lilly with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with Kent Lilly and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James and everyone else on Team TLOTA angrily cross talking to Chad Narducci as James is the loudest vocally saying “You’ve gone way too far Chad Narducci! Way Too Far! This is my series, it’s my name on the line, you had no right to do this without my permission!” as Chad Narducci blows a whistle)

Chad Narducci:
WILL EVERYONE GO ONE AT A TIME?  All of you are upset. (Cut to James who happens to be in the front of the still angry mob.)

TLOTA:
Okay, Let’s try this again! (Everyone angrily cross-talking to Chad Narducci as James is the loudest saying “Next time you do this type of shit, let me know what it is you are doing so I can approve it or reject it! It would be nice for you to do so because AGAIN it’s my name and ass on the line!” Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she screams out “HOLD IT!” and the building shakes and everyone jumps back in either fear or surprise!)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Now, Chad, you seem to have pissed everyone off AND if everyone will go one at a time to air the grievances, maybe we can work to salvage Chad’s bad idea! Someone go first, please! (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
Well, first off, you did this entire, “Do a crossover with James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!” contest without James’ consent and then you decide to post it on the internet where anyone and their mother who has a vendetta against James could enter and then we have to work out all the details about the crossover in a quarter of our usual time frame! (Cut to John Ross Santos)

John Ross Santos:
Yeah and for all we knew we could be dealing with someone who could be a serial killer who’d love to “Buffalo Bill” us and that’d be a disgusting way to go! (Cut to Mike Santos)

Mike Santos:
Enter the eventual contestant winner who has everything paid for because that was part of the contest, which means that comes out of our pay and with everything now costing more because The Leader Of The Free World believes that the god damned outrageous prices people pay in California should be how much the average joe should buy it for means I have to pay ten dollars for a gallon of milk when it would be for at least $2.50 AT THE MOST! (Cut to Andrew Beach) 

Andrew Beach:
Now we have to somehow figure out how to make a story for the review possible. (Cut to Ed Champion)

Ed Champion:
Keep the review funny! (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca)

Paulo Fonseca:
Create a good commentary

Brenda Fonseca:
While having James and the guy review the movie. (Cut to Rebecca and Nick Yaun)

Rebecca Yaun:
Maybe rely on something we know works while the two do this crossover

Nick Yaun:
We have no idea what movie we’ll be making fun of or whoever is making the movie. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke.)

Eric Kurtzke:
And while you have your jollies at James’ expense (Cut to Renee Miller)

Renee Miller:
And this pisses us off because James Faraci is a decent human being! NOT A PERFORMING PRIMATE WHO IS HERE TO SUFFER FOR YOUR JOLLIES! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Okay, listen the damage is done! And this is LITERALLY THE LAST TIME I SAVE YOUR ASS FROM YOUR OWN STUPIDITY! Okay guys, time to get to work! (James walks away, flipping Chad off. Cut to an enthusiastic fan sitting on the horseshoe couch as James makes his way over to the fan played by Kent Lilly)

TLOTA:
James Faraci…

Enthusiastic Fan:
The Last Of The Americans and The views we’re about to express are that of our own and some of everyone's!

TLOTA:
You got Chutzpah! I like that…Uh…

Enthusiastic Fan:
Kent Lilly!

TLOTA:
Kent, listen I’m glad you are here, ALWAYS glad to be recognized by and be with the fans. That argument Me and my team had, I hope you understand…

Kent Lilly:
Oh! I understand, Chad didn’t exactly think it out for you to…

TLOTA:
The Bottom line is, I’m here, you’re here, whatever your movie choice is, we’ll do it! 

Kent Lilly:
Well, one of my favorite reviews was one that was done in 2019, it was the review of VENOM in which…

TLOTA:
I had put Tom Hardy and the characters he portrayed and the movies he was in with moments from THE ROOM. I wonder how much you truly know. November 2013, Where was I when I reviewed The Green Hornet, and which movie maker and his movie did I reference to show how much I hated being in that place?

Kent Lilly:
The level of Dante’s Inferno where TMZ was. Seth Rogen and The Green Hornet and then you referenced the movie Dogma by reenacting the scene in which Matt Damon's Loki slaughtered every exec who was running the Mooby: The Golden Calf series.  

TLOTA:
Alright, February 2015, My Ben Affleck Trilogy, How crazy did GIGLI drive me?

Kent Lilly:
You killed five people. Shouldn’t you be in prison? 

TLOTA:
Alright, you are doing really good! May 2015, What Kids show programming block did I talk about and with whom did I do it as a crossover, AND what did Paulo mention that sent my crossover partner into a crazed foaming frenzy?

Kent Lilly:
Fox Kids, the Rowdy Reviewer, and Paulo mentioned Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation. 

TLOTA:
You are knocking it out of the park! Okay, March 2018, I was kidnapped by whom, and who else was with me, and What did I, against my will, review?

Kent Lilly:
Brendan Rooney, Mike J, and Rowdy were with you, and The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold. 

TLOTA:
You know your stuff there, hombre! Final question: In which movie did I not want to review but I had no choice but to review because it needed to be reviewed, did I meet Alex? 

Kent Lilly:
Uh…The 2 Tails: A Mermaid Adventure.

TLOTA:
You were off by two points. One, The Movie was called “The 3 Tails: A Mermaid Adventure” and two, Alex was doing a video promoting a special for Life As A Mermaid on YouTube as I decided to try to avoid reviewing it, but overall, you’re a fan. So, what was the movie you wanted to review? (Cut to the title card of Venom: Let There Be Carnage then back to James and Kent)

TLOTA:
I was planning to do this one solo but I think we can do it this way! (Cut to Rock music as clips from Venom: Let There Be Carnage play as James and Kent do voiceovers)

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
The much-anticipated sequel to the surprise hit, this movie continues to see if they need Spider-Man in movies that have characters from his universe without the Wall-Crawler!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well with… wait a second, who is Directing this one? (Cut to a still of Andy Serkis. Cut to James and Kent Physically.)

TLOTA & Kent Lilly (In Unison):
ANDY SERKIS?! 

TLOTA:
I do not envy the headache he would have!

Kent Lilly:
Why would he have a headache? Unless, The Studio Execs and their Lindsay Naegel-Esque leader! These are going to be funny; I hope. (Cut to Andy Serkis played by Kent Lilly as he is exhausted after a day of going over the storyboards, the costumes, CGI and everything else for Venom: Let There Be Carnage as he goes for some liquid relaxation as The Lindsay Naegel-Esque executive played by Olivia Horvath busts in and Andy does a spit take.)

Andy Serkis:
Effing Hell! (Cut to the two looking at each other)

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
Andy Serkis! Our illustrious leader and MY precious! Get it! Get it!

Andy Serkis:
Oh haha, very funny, now what can I do to help you?

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
Well, I have some test results, charts, and memos that I need to run by you.

Andy Serkis:
But I just got all my ducks in a row for what I want and need for this movie!

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
Well now that may be all fair and right for you but let me and my execs help, our movie will be more successful than your silly little own vision for the movie. Because if you (Cut to Andy slowly seeing all the notes and memos and charts being quickly placed on his lap and desk as The Lindsay Naegel-Esque Executive quickly talks about what she is talking about.)  We will make this a studio success! We’ll do lunch in two weeks which is how long the shooting schedule is. Bye Bye! (The Lindsay Naegel-Esque exec closes the door as the weight of the memos break Andy’s Table and he is standing there looking more exhausted and his head starting to look more like Gollum. Cut to James and Kent.)

TLOTA:
Let’s get right into it! This is Venom: Let There Be Carnage! (Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
The movie opens at an asylum in 1996 where we meet a young Cletus Kasady interacting with a fellow patient who is suffering from a physical affliction as well as mental problems. Worried she will be taken somewhere against her will they take Frances out of there which goes as well as would be expected. (Show clip of Frances shrieking, Cut to James and Kent physically as their glasses are shattered)

TLOTA:
That’s a Tuesday around here! (James pulls out a spare pair of glasses as does Kent. Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Frances takes a shot to the head and wakes up discovering to her horrors she is in the one place she didn’t want to be as we cut to the present day where it is now Ravencroft because… It has to be a reference to the comic? Anyway, Frances has gone around the bend seeing that Cletus is now getting the Death Penalty done to him! Yeah, leave it to California, they’ll execute a fictional Sociopath but a guy who murdered his wife and unborn child, eh he got it but we made sure he gets life instead! Have I mentioned all of this takes place in California? Now you know what to expect.

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Cletus Kasady now played by Woody Harrelson sits in the cage knowing he’s going to get out as we cut to San Francisco as Eddie Brock once again played by Tom Hardy is talking to Detective Mulligan about seeing Kasady and Detective Mulligan tells Eddie that he screwed up somewhere and it is up to Eddie to fix the mess. Kasady is about to be taken from the earth! Anything that can get his ass out of being either gassed or cooked in the electric chair nor will it help the victims and the families that they left behind. Venom comes out to try and eat Detective Mulligan, however, Eddie pulls him back at the last second!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eddie is trying to keep his symbiotic partner in check as someone in the stall next to the two hears their argument. As Venom pulls out the fact that Anne is still not with him and is with her Doctor beau. Cletus and Eddie meet at San Quentin and tell me if Woody’s performance reminds anyone of another sociopath. (Cut to Rebecca Yaun as she plays Clarice Starling making her way to meet Mickey Knox as played by Nick Yaun.

Mickey Knox:
Well hello there, darling, nice to see they sent someone good-looking! When I get out, I’m gonna continue doing what I’m doing!

Clarice Starling:
I need your expertise, there’s a killer that has your patterns and your weapons. Do you know of anyone who would most likely want to copy your reign of terror?

Mickey Knox:
Sweetheart, Do I look like the type of person who knows what I did during the time I was out there? For all you know, the files you were handed were of my handiwork. 

Clarice Starling:
This is a waste of my time. (Clarice walks out)

Mickey Knox:
Wait, don’t you wanna do the psychological tango with me?

Clarice Starling (Audio only):
Unless you look like Anthony Hopkins and are as destructive as he is, PISS OFF! (Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Kasady wants Eddie to send a message to his fans and in return will tell all the victim's families and relatives closure and his life story. (Show clip of Cletus Kasady as he gives his message to Eddie. Cut to James and Kent physically.)

TLOTA & Kent Lilly (In Unison):
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! (Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eddie gets out of there as we cut to his apartment and Venom has a photographic memory and draws up what he saw inside Kasady’s cell and discovers the bodies that Kasady had buried. Not too shabby for the duo. However, the Detective is pissed that he wasn’t made aware of the situation, Frances is upset over the fact the Governor has instituted the Death Penalty for Kasady and Kasady takes the fact he’s gonna die rather personally. With his career back on track, Eddie and Venom celebrate. However, it looks like the two are having their fair share of problems.

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Wouldn’t anyone have problems with people after some time together?

TLOTA (V.O.):
Good point, however, we discover that the two have had some adventures between the first movie and this one, and apparently, the FBI has been on them for their actions. They get caught and they’re going to be handled by Top Men. (Cut to James and Kent physically)

Kent Lilly:
Who?

TLOTA:
TOP… MEN! (Cut to a clip of a metallic encasement being locked into a wood crate as an old man carries it off. Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Going out on a food run Venom and Eddie continue to have their issues, Anne once again played by Michelle Williams has some news for the duo. The three meet and Anne is engaged to Dr. Dan and Eddie handles it well. Anne then soon reveals that she knows Venom is still alive and asks him to take care of Eddie. Venom tries to console Eddie through this situation. However, Kasady invites Eddie to his execution and then we get more of Kasady’s backstory. But we are constantly being interrupted from the drama of the story by Marvel’s interpretation of The Odd Couple (Cut to James and Kent physically)

TLOTA:
And we know who to thank for that! (Cut to Andy Serkis played by Kent Lilly as he is slowly deteriorating to Gollum state and the Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec.)

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
Why are you dragging your heels in the filming and from what I’ve seen, only one percent of what I want is in the dailies?

Andy Serkis:
Go away! You is cruel and harsh mistress!

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
Uh, are you okay? This movie must meet Studio expectations and it cannot if you don’t put everything it wants.

Andy Serkis:
Studio is wicked, full of trickses, lies.

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
Listen, Just put everything the Studio wants into the movie or you will never make a movie again! (The Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec leaves as Andy sits in a room filled with Memos, Charts and Test results.)

Andy Serkis:
Studio wantses it, it is mine! My Movie! (Sounding like Gollum): Myyyyy Preccccciousssss!

(The sound of Andy coughing as the word “Gollum” is heard as the scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eddie and Cletus meet as Kasady has his last meal as the two have their last get together and how he knows Eddie’s backstory which sets Venom off. Eddie gets bit and soon a symbiote is growing inside of Kasady.

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Venom and Eddie have another argument and it turns into the straw that breaks Eddie’s back and the two decide to end it with Venom taking possession of many different bodies. Meanwhile, Cletus Kasady is set for execution however, things don’t go as planned as the symbiote takes hold of the body, and thus we are introduced to Carnage and JESUS DE CHRISTO! (Cut to James and Kent physically looking scared)

TLOTA:
The last one to the men’s room is a rotten egg! And I think we know why Carnage is as well designed as he was. (Cut to The Lindsay Naegel-Esque Executive with her fleet of yes men and partners in her views.)

Lindsay Naegel-Esque Exec:
NO! CARNAGE IS TOO SCARY! Bob! I have tried to get into that office of his and he has been sounding crazier and crazier than before! So, Bob, guess what, you’re going in! (Cut to Bob as he is played by Chad Narducci is shoved into Andy Serkis’ office as Andy coughs and the word “Gollum” is heard.)

Andy Serkis (Audio only):
Cruels Studioses hurts my movie! (Sounding like Gollum): Of course, they dews, they never knowses of art or movieses, they knows of moneys, of greeds. They is wicked, tricksy, false, theys wants to hurtses it, takeses it away! (Bob nervously walks up to Andy Serkis’ desk)

Bob:
Who wants what from you? (Cut to the back of Andy Serkis’ now nearly Gollum-esque head as he slowly turns around.)

Andy Serkis (Audio only sounding more like Gollum):
MY! (Andy fully turns around as Bob sees Andy deteriorating even further into Gollum.)

Andy Serkis:
PRECIOUS! (Andy screams as it cuts to the outside of the office as Bob’s screams of pain are heard along with multiple sounds of thuds and squishing noises as the rest of the execs and their Lindsay Naegel-esque leader walk away in fear and total ignorance. Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Carnage breaks out, turning the jail into a slaughterhouse, Eddie cleans up the mess from the argument then hears that Cletus Kasady has busted out of jail. Eddie tries to think how Venom would do it as we then cut to Venom makes it to a rave and blends in. Just as Kasady tries to blend in and meets with his partner and the two decide to get Frances out of her cell meanwhile Venom is living his best life but misses Eddie.

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Eddie asks Mulligan about any associates of Cletus Kasady’s with the letters F. B. Mulligan knows who it is because he was the guard that shot Frances. Meanwhile, Cletus continues his search for Frances. Speaking of Frances, we soon see her as Cletus kills Frances’ keepers and introduces her to Carnage and our villains break out of the Facility leaving a dozen or so people alive.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Discovering that Frances’ scream can cause a symbiote pain Cletus asks nicely for her to be careful otherwise Carnage will eat her alive. Venom on the other hand is in rough shape, now having to stay with Mrs. Chen. Meanwhile, Mulligan brings Brock in for questioning for which he has no answers. Eddie brings Anne and her fiancé into the mix because…Why not, they have to justify Michelle Williams’ credit in this movie!

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Anne has to help by finding Venom at the convenience store where Venom is chilling with Mrs. Chen from the first movie and Anne convinces Venom to go back to Eddie. Just as we hear about a wedding between Frances and Cletus with Carnage presiding over the affairs and they want Eddie, Venom and Mulligan to come. Anne soon gets Venom to come and rescue Eddie. Eddie apologizes to Venom and I think Anne is enjoying it a little bit but regardless, Eddie and Venom reunite, Carnage grabs Mulligan, Dan and Anne pack to get out of dodge however Frances or Shriek as she likes to be called grab Anne. Dan is told to send a message to Venom that if they want to find Anne, they’d better get to the address on the card at Grace Cathedral. Dan decides to join in the fray as well.

TLOTA (V.O.):
A quick promise to eat everyone except the Padre gives Venom the courage to fight his red offspring and to be fair, the action is a lot better in this fight than the first and that’s something. Venom & Carnage continue the battle. After getting his ass handed to him Eddie and Venom have had enough and decide it is time to end Carnage. Eddie and Venom rescue Anne as the fight continues between the two as the Bell Tower Collapses, Carnage and Kasady are separated, Venom eats the Carnage Symbiote and then the two eat his head! (Cut to James and Kent physically)

Kent Lilly:
Well, there could be only one! (James gives Kent a look that says “Dude, Kinda funny but not really.” Cut to the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
Eddie, Venom, Anne, and Dan now are on the run. And our movie ends with Eddie and Venom decide the best thing to do is be on the run and help where they can. (Cut to James and Kent physically.)

TLOTA:
Uh, don’t forget the post-credit scene.

Kent Lilly:
I nearly forgot. (Cut to the post-credit scene that had Venom briefly join the MCU. Cut to clips of the movie as James and Kent do voiceovers)

Kent Lilly (V.O.):
And that was Venom: Let There Be Carnage and to be honest…it’s alright. It’s a decent flick with fantastic visual effects, music, and acting from Woody Harrelson. Carnage looks amazing, the cathedral setting and fight are outstanding. And if Venom & Eddie argued for a lot of the movie, then the movie would’ve been better. Lastly, the post-credit scene was (does a chef’s kiss motion). 

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, I will say that you made good points, but to me, it was very much a great buddy film and it works as a metaphor for having to work under tough situations. The humor was good even though it was weird. The action was a step up from the first movie. Though there were quite a few things I felt was not as good as the first movie, Michelle Williams was just there but I truly can tell you that the movie is worth a rental at the most. If you enjoyed it, good for you. Me, I thought at best it was worth one viewing at the least. 

(Cut to James and Kent physically)

TLOTA:
Well, Kent thanks for joining me for this review, and should you decide to become a content creator, I know of this congregation site that will help with getting you into this vocation easily. One warning though, if someone says they’re from an “Awesome” congregational site, DO NOT ENGAGE! Also, YouTube can be a friend if you know how to use it to your advantage. 

Kent Lilly:
Thanks, James!

TLOTA:
One other thing, (James pulls out a package for Kent) This is a litmus test that I give everyone to try and review.

Kent Lilly:
Thanks, oh hey what is your team doing? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
It’s Awards night, might as well have some fun mocking Hollywood!

TLOTA:
That sounds like fun! Care to join us, Kent?

Kent Lilly:
I would be honored!

TLOTA:
Cool!

(Cut to the Academy Awards Podium as The Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec comes up to take the Award.)

Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec:
I’d like to thank all my minions, all the test audiences, charts, and everything that has made this movie a complete success! Now that I have thanked everyone, I would like to take a moment and talk about… (Andy Serkis now having gone full Gollum grabs the award away from The Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec as she stands there in shock, fear, and confusion.)

Andy Serkis (Sounding like Gollum):
YOU’RE ALL LIARS AND THIEVES! IT’S MINE! I WON IT! THIS MOVIE ONLY WON BECAUSE OF ME! (Sounding like Andy Serkis): And me! So many peoples are my friends! My friends! (Sounding like Gollum): YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS! NOBODY LIKES YOU! (Andy cries as it cuts to the Lindsay Naegel-esque exec as she stands there not knowing what to say and it cuts back to Andy sounding like Andy) Peter Jackson still likes me! (Sounding like Gollum): PETER JACKSON?!?! “MY PRECIOUS”?! WHO THE (Expletive deleted) GIVES A FLYING (Expletive deleted) ABOUT THAT HACK WHO HAD US OUT IN THAT COLD, MISERABLE (Expletive deleted) STORM OF THOSE HOBBIT MOVIES! (Cut to the Lindsay Naegel-esque exec as she clenches her face in near anger. Cut to The Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec coming face to face with Andy Serkis)

Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec:
That’s enough Andy!

Andy Serkis (Sounding like Gollum):
PISS OFF YOU COMMUNIST, (Expletive deleted), STUPID, FAT, (Expletive deleted) (Expletive Deleted) (Scene from this point is intercut between Andy Serkis and The Lindsay Naegel-esque exec)

Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec:
I’m Hollywood unhealthy, not fat!

Andy Serkis (Sounding like Gollum):
It doesn’t matter! WE’RE NOT THANKING ANY OF YOU PRO-RUSSIAN (Expletive deleted) SUCKERS! NO!  NOT ANYONE FROM THE STUDIO, NOT HOLLYWOOD! AND DEFINITELY NOT ANYONE OF HERSES ASSOCIATES! AND SPEAKING OF HER! “MY (Expletive deleted) PRECIOUS”! WHO THE (Expletive deleted) DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU (Expletive deleted) (Expletive deleted)! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON ALL YOU (Expletive deleted) (Expletive deleted)! YOU (Expletive deleted) CAN GO (Expletive deleted) YOUR BELOVED PUTIN! (Sounding like Andy Serkis): Not listening! I’m not listening! (Cut to James as he gets up and a sound is heard)

Andy Serkis (Audio only) (Sounding like Gollum):
FRANKLY! NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE HAVE SAVEDED THIS PLANET! AND THE MISERABLE EXPERIENCES EVERYONE HASES WATCHING YOUR (Expletive deleted)!  (Cut to Andy Serkis as he continues on and the camera shakes)

Andy Serkis (Sounding like Gollum):
AND IF YOU THINK THIS (Expletive deleted)y GOLD STATUE IS GOING TO REMOTELY MAKE UP FOR ALL THE (Expletive deleted) YOU HAVE DONE! THEN YOU ARE SADLY (Expletive deleted) MISTAKEN! YOU’RE ALL COMMUNIST BASTARDS! HOLLYWOOD SUCKS! WE HATES YOU ALL! (Andy is suddenly hit with a tranquilizer dart and James says “Excuse me, Pardon Me” as he makes his way to the stage and James grabs Andy.) 

TLOTA:
Good Night! (James drags Andy’s unconscious body from the podium with a now defeated Lindsay Naegel-esque Exec. Fade to black)

Reality Checkout: "The Real World" destruction of MTV

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality T.V. series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality T.V. series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting to the MTV Launch video from 1981 and Music Videos as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1981 MTV was launched and became synonymous with one idea redefining what music would be like forever and while they did try some original programming like game shows and dance series like "Club MTV" and different shows centered around different genres of music like " Headbangers Ball", "120 Minutes" & "Yo MTV Raps!". However, by 1991 the network was starting to change and promote a different series, which was based on a documentary series that was loosely inspired by "An American Family," a series that saw the destruction of The Loud Family and no, I do not mean that series on "Nickelodeon." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the series was meant to show the youth of the generation, or how TV Producers think what the youth of the generation was and the series had the following opening phrase that changed the course of MTV forever! "This is the true story...of seven strangers...picked to live and work together...and have their lives taped...to find out what happens...when people stop being polite...and start getting real...THE REAL WORLD" (Cut to the opening of every season so far of The Real World then to clips of the "The Real World" series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
When it debuted The Real World ultimately changed the fate of MTV forever. The Real World was about finding seven young people to basically live together for several weeks in a flat in New York City and what they'd be like just trying to exist and having to deal with people and situations outside of their control. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Under different circumstances, had things been written out with a plot and storyline, that would've made an excellent idea for a sitcom! Except the producers DID have written ideas that the cast was against. Cut to clips of "The Real World" as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
 That's right, the production company that eventually gave us the satanic evil of The Kardashians and their reign of reality tv, Bunim and Murray Productions, had planned storylines for the series, including one of the castmates to "come out of the closet" as it were. That castmate quietly and quietly did that before joining the series. Then there was the point where there were arguments over the most ridiculous things. By today's Reality T.V. low as hell standards are rather childish. Now there are those that have said "Oh it broke ground because it talked about this subject or for talking about certain taboos in a realistic light." Well, let me tell you something, while yes it did handle subjects, I think of episodes of "Law & Order" that handled the situations better than "The Real World". "Well, it had someone both openly out of the closet and had AIDS and that person really died." While yes, I was aware of Pedro Zamora and the circumstances he had during the San Francisco season, and I was saddened when he passed away hours after the final episode of his season ended, I cannot, in all honesty, believe in that level of timing unless Pedro was in worse shape than he let on in the San Francisco season. "It set the template for other reality shows!" AND THAT'S A GOOD THING?! It's like being the first person who said that 2+2 equalling "IFLYDACHOOCHOO!" was right and all of a sudden it became the norm while the real answer was carelessly discarded without facts or scientific proof to back it up. Not something to truly be proud of! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the sad thing is, it's legacy and what it did to not only MTV but also to Television itself. (Cut to different reality shows as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It begat other Reality Shows on MTV like "The Challenge" & "Road Rules", "Ridiculousness" and two series about Teen Pregnancy. Then there was the series that begat shows like "The Anna Nicole Show" & most of the series that is on TLC, A&E, Discovery and The History Channel, Series like "The Osbournes", "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica" and series that became popular because the shows were on MTV, A network that was meant to help older musical bands reach new audiences and discover newer musical artists and give them a chance to shine.  Now MTV is mediocre television with reality shows left and right. It is a shame, it could've been avoided if MTV didn't milk the series for what it's worth and then decide that is what they need to be relevant. The sad thing is, even with a pandemic, with the world now teetering towards destruction, even after leaving MTV for Facebook's Video Services only to now be a part of Paramount+, the series is going on as we speak! This series also had its knock-off with "The Surreal Life" which had a group of what many would consider Z-Level Celebrities living in a house and having the cameras in their face all the time. And of course, the show also made celebrities just from being there, aside from Pedro Zamora, Judd Winick went on to marry his former co-star and work in the Comic Book industry, Rachel Campos-Duffy is in news, not saying which network because let's face it, the news is all the same right now, unwatchable and Oh yeah, her husband is former representative and Real World Co-Star Sean Duffy, Then, of course, there is Mike "The Miz" Mizanin whom I've talked about in the past, Tami Roman, who was the target of what was meant to be a harmless prank that led to a meltdown that only Reality TV would produce, ultimately had a resume in acting and Reality-TV that would put most to shame, Trishelle Cannatella who also went on to do more Reality TV, some I've already talked about and a myriad of others who have gone on to a level of success in entertainment and other ventures. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that is the story of a series that has become the all-father of all reality series and how people choose to sacrifice their souls, to stop being humans and start being real enough for fifteen nanoseconds of fame. But as far as I'm concerned, it is time for The Real World to be evicted, and take every single series that has spawned from its loins and checkout! (A knock on the door is heard as James looks up and sees "The Real World" logo as it grows arms, throws its keys at James, and leaves with expletive beeps coming out of whatever counts for its mouth and walks out the main door in disgust, slamming it shut. Cut to a very confused James)

TLOTA:
Well, it can't get weirder than that ladies and gentlemen. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A knock on the door is heard) One moment. (James walks away as we hear James say "He did what?", "Someone actually won it?", "Now they're coming here for a crossover and it's their choice?!". Cut to the outside of the studio as James' shout of "CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" echoes throughout Sullivan County, eventually throughout the United States, The World from inside the planet and then a shot of the earth from outer space!)

The Powers That Be: All the Powers that glitters are not a "Goldmember"

(Scene begins on the streets of Hollywood as “Hurray For Hollywood” on a guitar plays as James and Chad drive through the city.)

TLOTA (Audio only):
Yeah, I’m in town until I can find her, Rowdy  Yeah, I’d like to do a crossover, but our schedules just continue to clash, Hopefully later this year. Alright, Yep, Okay, Maybe  Stay Rowdy Dude  (Cut to James and Chad as they park outside a studio and step out of the car.)

TLOTA:
Okay, according to the tracker, Dr. Vile’s base is over there. First chance we can get, we rescue Alex, and we get out of this den of hell!

Chad Narducci:
Come on, James, can’t you feel the incredible power from this city?

TLOTA:
The only power I feel from this place is the power of evil that Mattling from The Dead Talk Back talked about, and the levels of evil emanating from here would make that nutjob go through the friggin’ roof. As a matter of fact, I think I see him trying to convert the Bloods and Crips to (Gunshots ring out) Ah, never mind Mattling is running for his life as the two gangs want to smoke him like a Ham!

Chad Narducci:
Mattling, and you can call it evil, I call it entertainment MOJO  HIT THE MUSIC! 

(“Soul Bossa Nova” plays in the foreground as Chad’s feet start to get into the groove, and he asks James to join him, and James declines as Chad gets into the dancing sensation as the music starts to get into the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as Chad runs into the studio without a pass and James tells the  security guard and they run as Chad dances his way into a scene in a Marvel movie and James and the guard apologies then run out as Chad comes to the orchestra as they play the theme and he tiptoes past the band and James stops momentarily as he comes up to the conductor.)

TLOTA:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incidental music maker for The Last Of The Americans Isaac “Fro Magnum Man” Ross  This is the man who gives our series the full-on out MOJO  (Isaac and James high-five each other as the music continues and James run into a studio as a music video director as the director on the set asks for quiet as James sees Chad ready to dance.) Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me  (Chad begins to dance with a young pop star whose career will be over by the time this review is out as James sighs and starts to dance as it’s revealed to be a Shedroid that can’t handle James’ power she explodes and Chad runs from James.) For the love of peat moss, CHAD!  (The music kicks back up and Chad goes on dancing and the music and James runs after him again as Chad does Jazz hands and is raised with James kicking and screaming Chad’s name as he’s caught on a rope on the rising stand hanging upside down with the music reaching a crescendo and James shouting “CHAD!” as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as the Dr. Evil theme soundalike plays and it cuts to the interior of the base of Dr. Vile as he overlooks the Hollywood sign.)

Dr. Vile:
So, with Agent 428 now disposed of, let us now...(the sound of doors getting boomed as troops run through the lair as James and Chad carrying  machine guns lead the assault.)

TLOTA:
You’re under arrest!

Chad Narducci:
So get on your knees and put your hands on your (Chad’s Machine gun goes off everyone ducks as the Frau Farbissina, Mini-Me, Number 2, and Scott espies are taken out, and the gun runs out of ammo. James looks and sees the slaughter that took place  James stammers and stumbles on his words for a few seconds.)

TLOTA:
Do you know that the only reason I’m not choking you right now is the fact that Alex is possibly in a convoluted death trap, and I have to focus my energy on rescuing her and kicking that numb nutted, bald sumbitch a new butthole  (Cut to Dr. Vile)

Dr. Vile:
First off, you caught me and killed everyone around me in the first act of your review. Where will the story go from here? Secondly, I don’t have Alex. She never arrived; I thought she did; I was wrong. Sorry Agent 428  (Cut to a perplexed James and Chad.)

Chad Narducci:
What the Funk and Wagnalls did you just say? (James’ communicator beeps as he answers it.)

TLOTA:
Hello, what’s up, chief?  She was Where? You mean to tell me that we (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller in the waiting room at the II-DOD hours later as James is standing with his face in front of a wall and Chad standing with his face in front of another wall!) wasted months of traveling FOR NOTHING! 

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, you caught a villain, and from what I heard, the two of you got along better than you have for years.

TLOTA:
Alex, you were trapped in the broom closet for a couple of hours, had it not been for Rebecca and Nick, it would’ve been worse for you.

Chad Narducci:
Now, as for us catching Dr. Vile, according to the leader of the free world, he has a catch and release program for terrorists who want to take over the world with a caveat. With each failure of their plan, they forfeit whatever technology they create, and their capital is added to the national debt relief!

Julia Alexa Miller:
So the two of you did all this for nothing. What was the point of the trip?! 

Chad Narducci:
That’s the trillion-dollar question  (The door opens as Chief Development walks in)

Chief Development:
Agent 428, we would like you to get started on your review and the paperwork for everything that happened, you as well, Mr. Narducci. However, in separate rooms, Miss Miller, I would like to firstly express my apologies for any inconvenience you experienced. We would like to Debrief you about what happened first, Agent 428. Mr. Narducci will be debriefed later on  (Cut to James as he does his paperwork in the same style of “Hot Fuzz” with the few people who survived Chad’s accidental onslaught. Cut to James just as he finishes his paperwork.) 

TLOTA:
…And DONE  Well, let’s get to it  (Cut to the title card of Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER then to clips of Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, after the critical and commercial success of the second movie, New Line Cinema and Mike Myers went to the well one more time and came up with a few new drops of water while the rest of it feels more cut and paste than the Terminator Sequels after Terminator 2: Judgement Day  But is the movie that bad and boring that there’s no comedy to be found after two successes  Where can Austin go now  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’ll find out now, this is Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER 

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off in the Utah desert as Austin comes from out of the sky and takes out a copter featuring one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen as WAIT A SECOND? TOM CUCKOO CLOCK CRUISE IS AUSTIN POWERS, AND FRIGGING PEPPER POTTS HERSELF GWYNETH PALTROW IS HIS LOVE INTEREST? AND DR. EVIL IS NOW PLAYED BY KEVIN SPACEY AND AND AND MINI-ME IS BEING PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
WHAT THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, to my surprise, Austin is in Hollywood as a movie is being made about his exploits with Dr. Evil, and it’s being directed by Steven Spielberg. My mind is already exhausted. After a fourth-wall-breaking dancing opening credit montage which has cameos from both Quincy Jones and Britney “Trainwreck at 40” Spears, We soon discover Dr. Evil doing more psychological damage to Scott, talking about Johann Van Der Smut, who loved gold so much he wanted his junk smelt in gold  Losing it in the process, he took on the alias Goldmember  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And who is playing Goldmember  (Cut to a still of Goldmember as a ding dong is heard and Mike Myers’ name appears as it cuts to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You said it, Robert Wagner  (Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Dr. Evil plans a new preparation for a tractor beam called Preparation H, Austin and the Ministry Of Defense come in. Apparently, Dr. Evil’s lair had a mole played by American sweetheart Fred Savage. After Dr. Evil is sentenced to 400 years in prison, Austin, FINALLY after a brief mentioning of it in the first movie, is knighted, Hoping to see his father be there; however, once we see that he is MIA, Austin heads back to his pad to swing a little to blow off the steam of his father not being there  While with twins which is on his very weird-ass bucket list which is on par with Shatner’s, Basil interrupts letting us know that Nigel Powers played by the now-retired Michael Caine was kidnapped after Austin was knighted  With nowhere left to turn, they decide on one person that can help  (Show moment in which Basil and Austin say “Dr. Evil!”  Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Gee, I wonder what they’re going to reference in this case  (Cut to the clip of Dr. Evil in a transparent cell parodying both The Silence Of The Lambs and X-Men 2: X-Men United  cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says, “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Dr. Evil come face to face as we get a flashback to the two as they were roommates at an academy. While Dr. Evil worked his bald and ritualistically shaved schnuts off, Austin shagged his way to good grades  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And admittedly, this puts a surprising twist into their relationship  Dr. Evil was a hard-working student who had to bust his bald schnuts to get good grades. At the same time, Austin did nothing and got all the credit. A unique twist on the whole Superhero/Supervillain dichotomy that’s reminiscent of Superboy and Lex Luthor from the silver age of comics  (Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin wins the International Man of Mystery award, and to the surprise of no one in the audience, Austin’s dad didn’t show  A theme is emerging in their relationship. We soon cut back to the present as Dr. Evil tells Austin where his father is, Quid Pro Quo. While he’s not getting his sentence reduced, he is being transferred to the prison where Mini-Me  (Show Dr. Evil as he tells Austin the pertinent facts to find Goldmember  Cut to James physically as there is a knock on the door and Chief Development enters.)

Chief Development:
Your Debriefing and assessment papers  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
One moment, We’ll be back  (Cut to an hour later as James, Julia Alexa Miller, and Chad Narducci a half a second behind James and Julia Alexa Miller as the three come up the phone booth and the three walk through the hall as the doors close except for the last one and Chad knocking on the one before the last one  James sighs and says “Oy Gevalt” as James walks back to get Chad  James opens that door and Chad makes a run for it as James is tripped, gets up, and sees the door closing on him) You have got to be kidding me!

(The scene fades to black as James screams in pain, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, and Chad Narducci as the three meet with the rest of the team.)

Paulo Fonseca:
So how was your little trip?

TLOTA:
Pointless

Rebecca Yaun:
I heard you blew up a hotel and a trailer park.

Chad Narducci:
That was on me.

TLOTA:
Chad, you fill them in on the details, I am going to work on the review.

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin heads to 1975 and the infamous Studio 69 Discotheque  Yeah a subtle nod at a Dramatic role Mike Myers played in between the first two Austin Powers movies with that subtlety being on par with the Time Machine, Austin makes it to Studio 69 there he meets with Foxxy Cleopatra played by Beyonce Knowles and I have nothing bad to say about her because I want to live without Jay-Z or anyone associated with either of them and I don’t need that crackpot Kanye “Ye” West coming after me, I have enough people with mental health issues in my life thank you very much  Foxxy through a random cameo by Nathan Lane tells Austin where to find his dad who has his hands and other parts of the body on some ladies for the evening  Austin and Nigel are soon in the hands of Goldmember who again, in case we fell asleep the first time gives us his back story and we also see that Goldmember likes eating his flaking skin like potato chips and Nigel hates the Dutch  Goldmember grabs Nigel and Foxxy tries to put Goldmember out of commission but Goldmember grabs Nigel and heads for 2002 where Foxxy and Austin head after a brief shootout  We then find Dr. Evil and Mini-Me in a Georgia State Prison where Frau Farbissina comes incognito and tells Dr. Evil that Scott is becoming just like Dr. Evil  We then get even more backstory as we see Dr. Evil’s biological mom getting blown up and adopted by Belgians  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
HOW MUCH MORE FRIGGIN BACKSTORY TO EITHER AUSTIN AND OR DR. EVIL CAN THIS STORY TAKE  THIS IS ROCKY IV LEVELS OF TRYING TO FIT TOO MUCH INTO ONE MOVIE  And yes I will be doing a “Different Cuts” of Rocky IV this summer  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Dr. Evil plans an escape from the Georgia State Prison after a Hard Knock Life Esque rap  Meanwhile, Austin acclimates Foxxy to the 21st century which includes the Internet as only 2002 knows how to be as Austin meets and acknowledged The Mole  (Cut to the clips of Austin acknowledging The Mole’s mole  Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The mole lets Austin and Foxxy know that Dr. Evil’s new lair is somewhere in Tokyo and we soon see it in the depths of Tokyo Bay in a sub that looks like him  Dr. Evil shows his plans to everyone and Goldmember introduces Dr. Evil to Austin Powers’ (Goldmember as he says “Fahzha!”  Cut to James as he says What?. Cut to Goldmember saying “Fahzha!”  Cut to James as he says “Say again?”  Cut to Goldmember saying “Fahzha!”  James walks away and brings Julia Alexa Miller in as he plays the clip again)

TLOTA:
Do you understand what he just said?

 Julia Alexa Miller:
I think he said “Father”.

TLOTA:
I think so too  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nigel attacks the guards however Mini-Me takes him away  As for Goldmember’s plans to paint Nigel’s junk gold  Dr. Evil has this to say (Show clip of Dr. Evil saying “HOW ABOUT NO  YA CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nigel talks to Mini-Me about how disrespectful everyone has been to him and starts to like the little fella  As that happens Austin and Foxxy get word that Dr. Evil’s henchmen have been seen around a Sumo area and since it’s a Sumo Wrestling arena, there’s only one person that big to be there  (Cut to Fat Bastard in a Sumo banana hammock. Cut to James Physically.)

TLOTA:
Naturally, it has to be Fat Bastard  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin notices Fat Bastard as he is giving some money to a businessman of sorts and decides to interrogate Fat Bastard about the transaction by having Foxxy go incognito to pick up the laundry and Austin hiding in the cart  However, the stink of that many Sumo Banana Hammocks, plus the one from Fat Bastard sets Austin off, and as the two fight Fat Bastard comes at Austin at full power  (Cut to Fat Bastard as he comes to Austin at full power and Austin Screams  Cut to James screaming  Cut to Rowdy C as he screams  Cut to team TLOTA as they scream  Cut to Chad Narducci as he screams like a little girl  Cut to Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Gypsy, and Crow as they scream  Cut to Ace Ventura as he screams in the Shark tank  Cut to The Three Stooges as they scream  Cut to Awkward Ashleigh as she screams  Cut to Linkara as he screams  Cut to Phelous as he and Allison Pregler scream  Cut to Jaimetud and the Drive-In Mutants Scream  Cut back to the movie as the wire fighting team hoists Fat Bastard into the sky only for a few moments before being stuck as the wire team fails Fat Bastard  Cut to the movie as James continues a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Foxxy interrogate Fat Bastard as he decides to sell Dr. Evil and their new associate Mr. Roboto and we have another moment in which Fat Bastard has a moment of realization and he passes gas  Back on Dr. Evil’s sub. Scott shows how far along he has transformed and has the great white sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads which causes tensions as Mini-Me is cast out  He handles it well enough  (Show moment in which Mini-Me flips off Dr. Evil. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think that’s Mini-Me for “I will have my revenge for casting me out!” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Foxxy get told that Fat Bastard’s information on Mr. Roboto was accurate  Austin and Foxxy go to Roboto Industries and after some subtitle mishaps, Austin and Foxxy get nothing from him but stick around to infiltrate the building and after a pee joke finds Roboto and Goldmember getting the fusion reactor and the key for the tractor beam which happens to be of course Gold  Foxxy tries to stop Goldmember but forced between saving Nigel and stopping Goldmember the two rescue Nigel as our heroes go through a rather funny car chase trying to catch Goldmember which includes the three ramming into a facsimile of Godzilla and after Goldmember escapes, Austin and Nigel have it out, Sullivan County New York Style  (Cut to Austin and Nigel having a loud disagreement about what to do next and going their separate ways. Cut to James physically as he demorphs to James Faraci.)

James Faraci:
For a long time, I felt like Austin, It felt like it would take a miracle when I realized me and my dad did have a bond  So in a way, I did better than Austin did and that bond is something I cherished until those last days I had with my dad  He is physically gone but still, he’s with me and I love that  (James morphs back to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Now back to business  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning Mini-Me tells as best as he can that he wants to join Austin to take down Dr. Evil  However in a comedic mishap and Austin thinking “Fool me once shame on you, Fool Me twice shame on me” and remembering what happened in the last movie Austin and Mini-Me fight it out that is until the Mole lets Austin know that Mini-Me has defected from Dr. Evil and wish to help them stop the guy  Then of course comes a moment that Austin had been wanting to do since he first saw that mole and a moment, I’ve been waiting for  (Cut to James as an instrumental of “Gimme Some More” plays.)

TLOTA:
You people had enough  (Cut to Renee Miller)

Renee Miller:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You people want the wild schtick  (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca, Brenda, and Nick)

Paulo, Rebecca, Brenda, and Nick (In union):
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Hey Chief, Where my green at  (Cut to Chief Development) 

Chief Development:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You know my people need that  (Cut to the rest of Team TLOTA)

The rest of Team TLOTA:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Even though we getting money, you can (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
With the cars and the big crib  (Cut to Rowdy C)

Rowdy C:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Everybody spread love (Cut to The Ninja Cats)

The Ninja Cats:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
If you want it to let me hear you say (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller at James’ office door.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
GET BACK TO WORK  NOW  (The building shakes as James is scared out of his seat  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now dressed like Austin, Mini-Me lets Austin and Foxxy know that the tractor beam is complete and it was time to strike against Dr. Evil  As that happens, Dr. Evil makes contact with the World Organization, again to say he has the world up for ransom for an exorbitant amount of cash  Then we get another recycled joke this time revolving around (Cut to the joke about the satellite that look like a pair of breasts, up to the point of the fans of the Titans sans the A&N. Cut to John Ross Santos as he says “Knockers!” and James peeks out of his office.)

TLOTA:
What are you talking about  (Cut to John Ross Santos)

John Ross Santos:
I thought about it and I decided we need to put knockers on the door  What’s up  (Cut to James at his door)

TLOTA:
Just dealing with a bad joke about (Cut to Mike Santos as he looks out the window and Andrew Beach.)

Mike Santos:
Hooters 

Andrew Beach:
They open up a new one here?

Mike Santos:
Looks like it and it’s a big setup  Hey Andrew, look at those sets of (The screen stops as there is a pause sign as it cuts back to the movie as Ozzy Osbourne is calling the filmmakers boobs then cutting to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin, Mini-Me, and Foxxy get into the sub as Roboto comes in and requests a bonus, however, Scott who has gotten a whole lot worse, decides to take care of Roboto, himself  Austin and Mini-Me continue on their mission incognito in the same costume  After using the shadow joke again, Mini-Me gets out of dodge as he takes the map and bumps into Foxxy  After a brief moment of victory, Foxxy shows she has the key  And if we didn’t have enough plot twists, Nigel arrives and tells that Austin and Dr. Evil are in fact biological brothers, Scott has had enough and vows vengeance for a lifetime of abuse and Goldmember had a spare key which was his privates which is disturbing and wrong on so many levels  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
OKAY, DID SHYAMALAN HELP WRITE THIS MOVIE? (Cut to Shaymalan at James’ office door)

Shyamalan:
I wish, oh, by the way, there appears to be a somewhat angry woman here, should I say something  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, she knew you were coming and you’re about to feel it  (Shyamalan is grabbed  Cut to James as the building is shaking with the sounds of thuds as James just walking to the studio kitchen as he prepares a cup of Tea with Honey and Lemon and James grabs a pair of earplugs as a loud scream shakes the building and James finishes the tea prep as Julia Alexa Miller walks in.)

TLOTA:
Tea with Honey and Lemon?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thanks, oh be careful, Shaymalan’s remains are painted in the hallway.

TLOTA:
Thank you  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Goldmember activates the tractor beam and Dr. Evil comes up with the solution as he reverses the polarity at one of the conduits destroying the tractor beam and fricasseeing Goldmember  Foxxy arrests when WHAT? AGAIN? PLAY THE CLIP  I’VE GOT NOTHING  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, The movie ends at the premiere of the fake Austin Powers movie and with Scott once again vowing vengeance, bloopers from Ozzy Osbourne’s cameo, another cameo from the runaway trainwreck that is Britney Spears, and one last moment from Burt Bacharach  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Austin Powers in Goldmember, and I will admit, it was not the best of the three but not the worst one of the three  (Cut to clips of Austin Powers in Goldmember as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Admittedly, I would have to say that the movie is one-third recycled jokes and a lot of the plot was on repeat  A lot of the plot twists and the humor fell flat as a schmoke and a pancake  However, I did enjoy the development of the character dynamics, I liked how and what motivated Austin to be Austin, I enjoyed it a lot, and even though I didn’t like it, I think there was a sense of closure that was meant to occur and maybe the start of a new generation would pick up the franchise after some time has passed and found a way to make Austin more his own thing and not a parody of the 1960s spy genre and what is surprising to me is the longevity of the popularity of the Austin Powers movies has endured and how much people still want a fourth movie  Well, if it happens, I will check it out and see if it is worthy of the legacy of the first three  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For now, I am now moving forward with a renewed MOJO  I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion  (Cut to sometime later as James looks over his next review for April as Julia Alexa Miller joins James.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So did you and Chad have some common ground?

TLOTA:
I think things between Chad and I will eventually get better, right now I’m focused on two things  This movie and you

Julia Alexa Miller:
But what happened to Dr. Vile after he got released. 

TLOTA:
Um, I’m not sure but I think I know  (Cut to a highrise building as the jingle of “STUPIDIOT VILLAINY, WEST COAST BRANCH!” is heard as we cut to Professor Hiram Stupidiot as he reads a resume and Dr. Vile sitting in a chair )

Prof. Stupidiot:
Well, your resume of evil is impressive, but for a position you seem to be applying for, we do like our applicants to be able to provide some form of resources of their own, and I am a bit concerned about this whole “Government taking away my tech” section…

Dr. Vile:
Well, it is true that all my hardware was confiscated, but fortunately, the meddling and incompetent Chad Narducci chose not to do something as simple as a pat-down, so I was able to salvage… this…

(Hands Stupidiot a flash drive from under his shirt, which Stupidiot immediately plugs into computer)

Dr. Vile:
What you have on that drive is the best decryption technology known to humankind  It is impossible for my program to be cracked!

Prof. Stupidiot:
Yes… this could prove to be very useful…

Dr. Vile:
Yes, now if I could just have my flash drive back, perhaps we could begin to talk salary…

Prof. Stupidiot:
Hmm? What flash drive  Oh, and… sorry but the position has been filled  (Prof. Stupidiot pushes a button on his desk  Vile flies away as a rocket underneath his chair encapsulates Dr. Vile and launches  Dr. Vile screams that he will get Professor Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot:
Drecks, prepare the Computer Hacker Of Doom  Rowdy and those meddling cats are about to endure my wrath like they have never seen! (Professor Stupidiot laughs his usual Maniacal laugh)

Life's a "Splash"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's go back to 1984; Ron Howard has been gone from "Happy Days" for four years and directed a whopping two movies. One before his departure and one afterward. Both became eventual Cult Classics, but Ron needed a hit movie. Tom Hanks is a struggling actor himself, and Disney was (dubbed by an emotionless computer as James starts to open his mouth but closes it as the dubbing begins): Doing fine but could've used a little more of the Disney magic to make the world a Fluffy Cloud of Happiness while starting to engage the more mature audience as we tried with our classic movie "The Black Hole" which we admit we could've toned the darkness down, but trying to. (The dubbing continues to be jingoistic to say everything was great with Disney as James gets up and finds the person and the program and proceeds to bash it into bits with the dubbed voice trying to scream G-Rated curse words. James walks back to his chair) Now as I was trying to say, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks needed to be in a successful movie, with Howard in the Director's chair and Hanks in the lead after a short-lived series was canceled. John Candy was trying to break into the American while being a part of SCTV and Darryl Hannah was a hot, young ingenue trying to show she could act, and Disney was in the toilet! It took literal hands of fate and the formation of a production/distribution company within Disney for one movie to succeed and start a new life for what would become the mouse-eared r----! Play the opening thought; I'll be back. 

(Cut to the title scene of Splash, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Splash, released in 1984 as the first movie produced and distributed through Touchstone Productions, a homemade Disney Subsidiary and was considered a risk for a company that had fallen on hard times that needed something different to revive it. This Director had no real success as did their leading man who was in a short-lived sitcom and a cast that was a mix of eager new talent, a sense that they were going to change perceptions, and their determination to succeed. Splash has stood the test of time as possibly the best Romantic Comedy ever made. But what was it about the movie that made it a success? Well, today, we're going to look over it and find out for ourselves and see how it has become a pop-culture staple to this moment with subtle references in tv series, other movies, and web series. (Cut to James as he wipes schmutz and sweat mixed with mucus and blood off his fists) 

TLOTA:
And seeing as this is Valentine's Day, it'd be a perfect movie to review. So let's dive into Splash!  

(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in 1964 as the Bauer family is enjoying a family trip on a boat in Cape Cod as young Freddie is punished. While dealing with Freddie, young Allen decides he's gonna go for a swim! (Cut to young Allen as he jumps, and The Eleventh Doctor shouts "GERONIMO!" Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen notices a young girl around his age as he's pulled back into the boat. We then cut to twenty years later as Allen, now played by Tom Hanks, as Alan has taken over the family business of distributing fresh produce for Supermarkets all over the tri-state area. However, he has this feeling as if he is unfulfilled by the job and not helping is his brother Freddie, now played by John Candy, as Freddie shows he has been featured in Penthouse, and his girlfriend dumps him just on the eve of an employee's wedding day. (Show Allen as he greets slowly, getting angry as he snaps at the groom's brother as the groom's brother just says Hi to Allen. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And under different circumstances, Tom Hanks would've been fired because that was the Director's brother he just reamed out. Just saying it's not good to just snap like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Drinking himself onto the bar Allen waxes philosophical about his life and decides to go to Cape Cod for some unknown reason. Making it to Massachusetts, he comes upon Dr. Walter Kornbluth, played by Eugene Levy, and wow, looking at him now, he has aged like fine wine! I digress, Kornbluth's employees direct Allen to a man named Fat Jack whose boat conks out in the middle of the bay. Fat Jack swims back as Allen gets the ship started, and Allen forcibly jumps ship as the ship jumps him. Allen then finds himself on an island with a very pretty young woman played by Darryl Hannah and (Show Darryl as James' smiling face covers her butt. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so let's go over this little moment. When this movie came to Disney Plus, they decided to use the cut that was syndicated and added some more editing, like covering Darryl Hannah's tuchus, and fans were not too happy about this, especially since the movie on Digital and DVD saw Darryl's butt, and they also slipped in Darryl's nipples as she swims underwater, and she showed her body in all her glory back in 1984, and no one back then was shocked and stupid enough to be told: "Be Offended" because we could handle it then and some people can still handle it now, I think(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Darryl Hannah's character soon reveals herself to be a mermaid to the audience as Dr. Kornbluth suffers comedically at the hands of his helpers spots Darryl in her mermaid form as she finds Allen's wallet and, using old school maps, heads to Liberty Island as the tour guide gives his group more than the statue. (Show clip of the tour guide as he talks about the statue until he sees Darryl Hannah in the buff and says naked women everywhere and shouts "BOCCE BALLS!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Imagine the headlines if that happened now! Actually, they'd try to spin it as a protest against eating meat or some type of Pro-Whatever the hell is popular to protest against like actual intelligence or something like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen returns to his job as his brother brings in the head of an entire supermarket chain to see the operations of the distribution when a phone call gets Allen down to the police as he meets Darryl Hannah's character. Now I know the character's name as does everyone else but for the sake of the story, I won't reveal it until the movie does. But I digress, Allen and Darryl Hannah's character spends the rest of the day and night getting to know each other again and again. While that's happening, Dr. Kornbluth discovers the news of what happened on Liberty Island, where he talks to an old professor friend and plans to expose Darryl Hannah's character. The following day Allen goes into work as Darryl Hannah's character goes to Bloomingdale's to get herself some wardrobe. Allen comes home early to surprise her until Carlton, Your Doorman, tells Allen she sent her to Bloomingdale's, where she breaks her silence, and we find out who the smelt she is! (Cut to the clip of Darryl Hannah's character speaking in Dolphin chirps which shatter the Televisions as it cuts to James physically as his glasses break as well.)

TLOTA:
Well, it's a good thing I keep spares (James gets his replacement glasses out as it cuts to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Realizing Allen can't repeat that He and Darryl Hannah's character decide to give her the name Madison, and since this movie succeeded, girls have been getting that name. Anyway, Madison tells Allen that she has six days before returning home, and the two better make the best of their situation and guess what I found in the background in one shot! A movie theater that is showing the original "Evil Dead",  and that was cool to see or as one man would say "Groovy!". But I digress, that night Madison decides to give herself a moment to let her tail out and soak, which somehow triggers Allen to wake up leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen as he tries to figure out why Madison is in the tub. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison accidentally bump into Dr. Kornbluth, who tries to expose Madison when he finds himself in danger from a couple that looks like Allen and Madison. (Show clip of Dr. Kornbluth getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James physically as he cringes)

TLOTA:
I'm not a doctor, but yeah, I would be making my last will and testament after a beating like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While Dr. Kornbluth recovers from that Allen and Madison go on another date as Allen shows one of his favorite fountains in the park as he exposits about what happened to him when he was eight and Madison plays dumb as to knowing that Allen and her met when they were kids. The next day Allen and Freddie talk about going to a formal dinner event with The President Of The United States and Allen decides to take Madison. Freddie and Allen play racquetball and discuss his relationship with Madison and believe it or not when Freddie serves and clocks himself stupid, that took one take! Later that day, Allen is surprised when the fountain from the park is delivered to his living room! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! (Cut to Madison telling Allen she sold her necklace to get him that fountain because she loves him. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Ask a good question, get a good answer! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That night Allen and Madison decide to head to a fancy restaurant where Madison orders Lobster as Allen tries to figure out how to make this blooming relationship work. Oh and Fun Fact, Due to Darryl Hannah's vegetarianism, that lobster wasn't Lobster, it was crust filled with bread, hearts of palm, tofu, potatoes, and spaghetti. Some fun little facts to know about this movie while I review this. After that Allen and Madison go ice skating and Allen goes for the ultimate play for Madison and asks for her hand in marriage. Madison reluctantly says that can't happen and as it has become the trope, the couple finding themselves hitting a rough patch. The next morning after a night of contemplation, Madison decides that Allen is worth breaking the rules and would be glad to Marry Allen as Dr. Kornbluth finds them again only to meet with yet another Doppelganger couple which leads to, You know. (Sounds of multiple punches are heard as the scene cuts to black. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For the love of Peat Moss, you can stop now he is now two-thirds broken bones! Any more of a beating and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen remembers the dinner with the President and takes Madison as his date. That night even though he should be in traction and knocked out until doomsday to heal, Kornbluth decides to crash the President's party and it's there that Madison's secret is revealed. (Show clip of Madison's tail being revealed and Kornbluth screams "BEHOLD THE MERMAID!" cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison are taken by the government as Kornbluth's superior Dr. Ross decides to take the lead on the experiments on Madison as they throw Allen back to his place thinking he wasn't really worth the time to take. Freddie tries to shield Allen from the fallout and here we get development from Freddie as Allen bemoans what he feels is yet another failure of a relationship. Freddie tells Allen to wake up and smell the fricking Tartar sauce! After a day of contemplation on Allen's part and regrets on Kornbluth's end, the two meet as after all the guilt at the dentist's office to fix Kornbluth's teeth as Kornbluth injects himself with Novocaine in his leg. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Just be glad that the nitrous oxide wasn't available. (Show the clip from "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" episode "EYETOOTH" as Will, Carlton, and William Shatner are hopped up on Nitrous Oxide. and from "Lethal Weapon 4" dentist scene the scene. Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kornbluth tells Allen that he can get into see Madison which leads Allen to come up with an idea that is so crazy it has to work as Kornbluth takes them in as Swedish Scientists! The three make their way to Madison as Allen enacts the second part of his plan which is to switch Freddie with Madison leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen and Kornbluth taking an unconscious body out of the lab and the two making tracks! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Dr. Ross comes in as the rouse is discovered as Freddie is arrested and brings every-friggin' person with a badge and a gun to catch Madison, Allen, and Kornbluth! Kornbluth decides he's caused enough trouble and decides to sacrifice himself to give Allen and Madison the time to get away further which ends with Kornbluth (Show clip of him falling and hurting himself saying "WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Barely making it out of the movie in traction! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen and Madison make it to a jetty as the two quickly discuss what to do next. Madison tells Allen that she was the little girl he saw at Cape Cod and if he goes with her he'll be safe but can never return. Having to choose between keeping her safe or being with her forever, Allen chooses the worst of the two evils by letting her go. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I have to say I understand making that sacrifice. I mean, there were times when I was in a relationship and I felt that if given a second chance, there would be some women I was with better off not knowing I existed or if they did know I existed I didn't make the decision of pursuing a relationship at all because at some point there are women who regretted being with me and even though they went through troubles and came out the other end of their troubles in better shape and in better relationships, it didn't mean I was doing well. Hell if I knew things were going to end the way they did in my previous relationships, I WOULD BE EVEN LESS INCLINED TO FRIGGIN  START ANY RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD! WOULD THAT MEAN I WOULD BE A HERMIT BOUND TO MY HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO I WOULD'VE HURT IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE IT MEANS MORE THAT I NEVER HURT ANYONE, EVEN IF I WIND UP HAPPY I WILL TELL YOU IT WOULD COST ME IN THE LONG RUN BECAUSE SOME POOR SCHMO WOULD MISS OUT ON A GOOD FRIGGIN THING! GAAAAAAH! (James relaxes and breathes as he calms down.) Wow, my first rant of the year. Felt good to get it out of me. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Madison hits the water as Navy Swim teams try to intercept her escape, leading Allen to dive in to rescue her and stop the Navy Swim team from capturing Madison and Allen,  the movie ends with our happy couple living together in the ocean heading to an undersea kingdom. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was Splash! It was cute, romantic, funny, dramatic and it is so worth the time to watch. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is one of those perfect time capsules that just seem timeless. Everything worked in this movie. It had the right actors in the right roles, the script balanced everything. The fantasy aspects, the romantic aspects, the humorous aspects, the dramatic aspects, and everything ended the right way, even if something went wrong they made that moment work. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out today! ESPECIALLY TODAY AS IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY AND IT IS A GREAT ROMANTIC MOVIE AND SWIMS HEADS AND TAILS ABOVE A LOT OF THE CRAP THAT CALLS ITSELF A ROMANTIC MOVIE THESE DAYS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Phew! It felt good reviewing a good movie on a day like today. So maybe this year is getting better as it goes along. Anything is possible, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!