Jim vs "Jem"

(Scene starts with James working around the studio as he whistles “Combine Harvester” by The Wurtzels and as he takes a five-minute break he turns on the TV only to be surprised by the appearance of Synergy played by Traci Hines.)

TLOTA: What the…? Synergy?! (Cut to Synergy)

Synergy: That is correct James and I am in need of your assistance. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: What do you need me to do? (Cut to Synergy)

Synergy: I need you to review something for me. It should be on the coffee table in a package left from your party in mid-July of this year. (James opens the package and his face shows a look of total abject fear before cutting to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James heavily strapped down in different ways and James struggling to escape.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (James grunts and tries to get out of the chair) Yeah I’m in trouble. Possibly one of if not THE worst movie of 2015. HIT IT! (Music from the movie plays as it shows the Opening Credit to “Jem & The Holograms” before clips play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This movie has become a viable credibility for defense attorneys to allow rapists and murderers to get away with their crimes SCOTT-FREE! And in the deepest parts of Southeast Asia it has become the Number one method of torture for warlords, war profiteers and terrorists to force people to join them in their fight to destroy all of humanity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeah people, THAT BAD! And as far as I was concerned from last year I had NO plans on reviewing it, no plans of even thinking about reviewing it, HELL I KNEW THIS MOVIE WAS GONNA CRASH LIKE THE HINDENBERG! But for those who need a quick Crash course on the source material. GUYS! (Cut to Eric Kurtzke, John Ross Santos & Renee Miller in schoolroom as stock music from an old School Educational film reel plays in the background.)

John Santos: Created by Christy Marx who I’m certain is in no way any relative to the Marx Brothers, the classic series was originally meant to sell dolls.

Renee Miller: But Christy put effort into the story and characters. Mixing Action, adventure, comedy and drama with music the series lasted 65 Episodes spanning three seasons and repeats for several years. Making it beloved by both men and to women!

Eric Kurtzke: So it was so easy to make this movie properly. RIIIIGHT? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Well, seeing as how this IS one of the worst movies ever made Special precautions have been taken to prevent me from causing a fifty state manslaughter. Want to know? (Camera pans back to see Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Eliza Dushku behind James)

Paulo, Rebecca & Eliza (In Unison): We’ll tell you!

Paulo Fonseca: You may see that I have half a roll of Duct Tape the first half is around James’ wrists.

Rebecca Yaun: And I personally contributed…

Nick Yaun (Audio only): Honey, I can’t find the handcuffs or straps we used last night when I was a bad boy am I going to be one tonight if I can’t find them?

TLOTA (Audio only): Kinky!

Rebecca Yaun: What? I cleaned them before bringing them in for the review. MOVING ON!

Eliza Dushku: Oh… um Yeah this is the key to the weapons vault. (Eliza drops the key in her shirt.) And this is where James can’t get it. (Cut to James’ desk as Traci and Mike as they pop up at the top of the table.)

Traci Hines: And me and Mike spot welded the daylights out of James’ chair to the floor.

Mike Santos: I did most of the work, I had to beg for her help. What were you doing in the Green Screen Room?

Traci Hines: Trying out costumes for a Halloween Party I was planning on throwing on the 31^st of October.

TLOTA (Audio only): Where?

Traci Hines: Here? I sent a request form and I have a duplicate in case you haven’t seen it yet. (Cut to Traci’s Hand and the Blue Manicured fingernails on it as James sees the request.)

TLOTA: Oh yeah, I think I’ll check it after the review. But let’s not waste any more time this is “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is that there is A DECATON of clips from Internet videos submitted specifically FOR this movie by fans and…. WAIT A MINUTE! Rob Scallion?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: ORAC! Patch The Nostalgia Critic into the feed! (Static breaks before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic)

The Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, Stephen King’s “The Stand” for Nostalgia-Ween that is a possibility. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: CRITIC! (Cut to Nostalgia Critic who reacts with a Jump shriek)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh Hai James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Is Tamera around? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic as Tamera Chambers walks into frame)

Tamera: Present! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Did you know your boyfriend was in a video they used in “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic and Tamera)

Tamera: Well I found out when we were working on the review for it. We made him suffer when we reviewed “Alvin & The Chipmunks”

Nostalgia Critic: Uh excuse me I don’t mean to interrupt actually I do but James what’s up with the straps and chains, you reviewing “50 Shades Of Grey”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish! I’m reviewing “Jem & The Holograms”. (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: I’ll pray for you. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: We’re soon introduced to Jerrica Benson played by Aubrey Peeples as she and her sister Kimber played by Stefanie Scott have been placed under the care of their Aunt played by Molly Ringwald and her adoptive daughters because Jerrica and Kimber’s parents died from Plot Convenience No. 428: Never really explained, just they’re dead, that’s it and they cut to present day where the Aunt is in trouble financially and Jerrica who makes video blogs and disguises herself with a wig and makes videos with her own songs then deletes them because she thinks she sucks. (Cut to James and Traci)

Traci Hines: Well as someone who dresses up as characters for her music videos I can say she doesn’t look as bad.

TLOTA: And I’ve seen them. Wait a second, hold up Traci, what’s up with the blue wig and headband combo? You didn’t have that on before while you were welding the chair to the floor.

Traci Hines: Again, looking for a costume, hosting a Halloween party, October 31^st, you and everyone else can come.

TLOTA: Okay. I’m not gonna question it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): One video Jerrica made was left on Kimber’s camera when Kimber decides to post it onto Youtube. (Static breaks before cutting to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero screaming at James to stop before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: Rowdy? Writrzblok? Cartoon Hero? (Cut to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero)

Writrzblok: Listen to us!

Rowdy: You don’t want to review this!

Cartoon Hero: It is SOOOO BAD IT MAKES “JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS” Look like Shakespeare!

Rowdy: It made me want to watch Reality Television! THAT IS HOW BAD IT WAS! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Look, I’m getting through this come Hell, Damnation, High-water, All of The Above! (Cut to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero)

Writrzblok: You damned fool!

Rowdy: You poor damned fool!

Cartoon Hero: YOU PISS POOR GOD DAMNED FOOL! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: ORAC! (Cut to static before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So where was I? Oh yeah Kimber releasing the video on the video sharing site that slaughtered the previews and the actual movie! Well I wonder what could happen with that. Well, it becomes a viral hit and it reaches Starlight Production and its President Erica Raymond played by Juliette Lewis as she decides to sign the band on sight and sends them to Los Angeles. While in Los Angeles a little droid named Synergy awakens. (Cut to static for one second then Synergy played by Traci Hines appears.)

Synergy: THAT IS NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE! I AM A HOLOGRAPHIC PROGRAM BASED ON JERRICA’S DECEASED MOTHER THAT IS HOUSED IN A SUPERCOMPUTER THE SIZE OF AN CHURCH ORGAN! (Cut to the movie as Synergy does a voiceover)

Synergy (Voiceover): That thing looks like the bastard offspring of the “Earth to Echo” droid, “Wall-E” & BB-8 from “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”!  (Cut to Synergy physically)

Synergy: I cannot stand by if you were not going to mention how inaccurate this movie is in comparison to the Show it was based on. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I was going to mention it but now that you did I have no reason to… So…Can I just get you to do this review or are you going to allow me the courtesy of letting me do my job?  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah, this is supposedly Synergy who sends the girls on a scavenger hunt for three missing pieces of it. The first piece is at the Santa Monica Pier and guess who finds them. (Singing) His name is Rio and he doesn’t look like his animated counterpart and oh yeah in this Tijuana toilet he’s Erica’s son! (Speaking): Before nearly getting busted by the Cops they run the hell into the middle of the Californian Beach lines and start singing for no apparent reason. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And guess what, I need a break for one reason it’s called having to use the toilet like a racehorse! CAN ANY OF YOU GET ME OUT MY BONDAGE? (Traci walks in and James notices her Purple contact lenses.)

Traci Hines: I’ll let you out to use the toilet and I’ll keep you out of this stuff if you promise not to go on a killing spree!

TLOTA: You got it, Uh Traci, What’s up with the funky Alien Purple Contacts?

Traci Hines: What are you talking about? (James points towards the Mirror and Traci sees she still has those contacts in her eyes.) Eh Whoops! I’ve got to be more careful with what I do.

TLOTA: Something isn’t kosher here.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Jem and The Holograms get through two of their three gigs booked by Starlight and finds the second piece of Synergy, Jerrica’s Aunt tells her the bad news that the house is going up for the auction in a few days. With no other choice Jerrica begs for an advance. The Caveat, Jerrica has to sign a solo contract. The others take it well. (Show clip of the girls shouting at one another before cutting to James struggling to plug his ears.)

TLOTA: The only downfall of being strapped down for my own protection! I really wish I could plug my ears and groan so I could friggin’ drown out the noise from this garbage! (Static breaks before cutting to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: GET OUT! GET OUT THERE’S STILL TIME! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: The Blockbuster Buster?! (Cut to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: You don’t have to review this! You can still walk away! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry E-Rod, but I must review it, Synergy asked me to do so! (Cut to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: Okay, first off if Synergy asked you, I think you might be crazy. Secondly seeing as how you’re just hell bent on reviewing this I’ll pray for you! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Jerrica does her first Solo gig, listen maybe it’s my taste or maybe I can barely stand pop music now but since I’m strapped down I can’t avoid how horrible this music is! (Jem’s solo gig plays before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Shut Up! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again)

TLOTA: SHUT UP! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again)

TLOTA: SHUT THE HELL UP! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again as he screams in agony and Traci comes brandishing Chudnofsky’s double barreled handgun.)

Traci Hines: WHAT PART OF SHUT THE HELL UP DON’T YOU MORONS FREAKING UNDER…. (Traci load the gun with the 300 round magazine into the gun) STAND! (Traci’s scream is heard as it cuts to a still of Jem as her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Erica with her eyes animatedly bugging out of her head before her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Jerrica’s aunt with her eyes animatedly bugging out of her head before her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Starlight Productions being blown to smithereens before cutting to James looking disturbed at Traci as Traci is foaming at the mouth trying to calm down.)

TLOTA: GUYS! COULD YOU UNTIE ME AND TIE HER DOWN?! And they were worried I might go nuts. (Static breaks before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Know this is a professional courtesy, personally If I were the only guy who could save your life from being thrown into an active Volcano, I’d be tossing you a bolder and wishing you happy landings! Having said that, Stop while you still humanly can. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Okay, look Nostalgia Kid, You’re still pissed off about that whole “Fishtales” thing but there was a reason I sent you a copy to see if you could do better than I did. I mean your review of Dumb & Dumberer dwarfed mine by lightyears! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Really? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: YES! REALLY! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Wow, Now I really do care. So having said that, you don’t have to review this, it is a level of torture The Geneva Convention look at and say is inhumane! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I must, for all that is good, I must! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: NO! YOU’LL NEVER SURVIVE “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY”! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: “Fifty Shades Of Grey”?!... Fifty Shades Of…. I’m not reviewing “Fifty Shades Of Grey”! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Whew, that is a relief I’ll tell you now. Well why are you strapped down like that, what are you reviewing? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Jem & The Holograms! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid screaming like a girl and running away and the sound of glass shattering is heard before cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks for that! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that bit of torture that would be considered inhumane in Guantanamo Bay everyone in the band makes amends outside of Jerrica’s old family home she had with her sister and parents and decide to finish the search for Synergy’s missing part which just so happens to be back at Starlight in the form of a pair of earrings Jerrica had which is now in Erica’s safe. After some quick dips and dodges Jerrica gets the earrings and something else. But after getting Synergy finalized we get…. UGH, The same message from beyond the grave from either a father or father figure towards their child/apprentice. (Cut to a hologram of Jerrica’s dad giving her a message before cutting to Howard Stark’s message to Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, Splinter talking to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Obi-Wan talking to Luke on Dagobah in “Return Of The Jedi” before cutting back to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that Jerrica shows Rio the other McGuffin which gives him Starlight and ships Erica out the door. The band comes back and the movie ends with Erica meeting up with The Misfits. (Cut to an image of the real MISFITS rock band logo and James saying “OH GOD I WISH”) No I’m talking about the rivals to Jem and The Holograms and their leader played by Kesha and… (The Movie ends then cut to James physically)

TLOTA: That’s how it ends…on a Cliffhanger. WHY? (Cut to a still image of Kesha as the leader of The Misfits as "The Price Is Right" losing horn plays and a Rubber Stamp slams "Sequel Bait" on the still image before cutting to James physically) They actually thought there was going to be a sequel! (James chuckles insanely and mutters “They Thought there was going to be a sequel” every now and then as he breaks his bonds save for the handcuffs in which he takes them off with a key, walks into the backroom with the copy of “Jem & The Holograms” in his hands.)

Eliza Dushku: Should we…? (Everyone else nods no)

Eric Kurtzke: He’ll be fine after he eviscerates it! (Cut to James continuing to chuckle insanely as he places the Jem & The Holograms DVD on a set of cinderblocks as James goes to a wall full of crowbars & pry bars until he reaches a sign that reads “Do not use unless you really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really mean it!” before looking into an empty case with an outline of a mallet.)

TLOTA: What the….?

Traci Hines (Audio only): SCUM SUCKING GARBAGE GOBLING WHORE! (James turns to see Traci Hines going bonkers for banana balls screaming, cursing and swearing and hitting and obliterating the Jem & The Holograms DVD even using Atomic Breath on it and taking the semi obliterated DVD on the ground and screaming “I’M RAPING THE BAD MOVIE!” before cutting to James looking shocked as she screams “I’M RAPING THE BAD MOVIE!” again then cuts back to Traci just going to town until she becomes exhausted as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. James cautiously walks up to Traci.)

TLOTA: Is there anything left for me to obliterate. Wait a minute. (James puts his right hand on the back of Traci’s neck and a mix of Colors comes onto James hand)

TLOTA: Paint?! Traci what’s going on here? (Traci takes a half a step as he grabs Traci by the back of the neck and James pulls out a mini-tablet.) ORAC! Holographic image of Traci Hines please. (A holographic image of Traci Hines appears in a bare area in the backroom)

TLOTA (Audio only): Okay now ORAC, what would you call the mix of colors on my right hand and the back of the Traci’s Neck? (Cut to James holding Traci by the neck)

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): Actually if you’d let me… (Cut to Olivia Horvath physically)

Olivia Horvath: I’d be willing to help seeing as how she took make-up from my work station! (Cut to James holding Traci.)

TLOTA: One moment if you’d please. ORAC ready voice recognition and Ready physical recognition of new user Olivia Horvath.

ORAC (Audio only): Scanning (A electrical light beam go up and down Olivia’s body) Physical Recognition: Complete. Ready vocal recognition.

Olivia Horvath: Olivia Horvath!

ORAC (Audio only): Scanning (different vocal frequencies before matching Olivia’s exactly) Vocal Recognition complete.

Olivia Horvath: Excellent (Cut to James)

TLOTA: And let’s see, ORAC could you let Olivia use the Holographic painter program? (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath: Absolutely!  (Holographic painter program activates) Okay let’s start with the blues, greens and purples in the wheel) (All the Blues, Greens & Purples appear.) Thank you ORAC! (Olivia mixes the colors to paint the Holographic image of Traci skin wise with the combo of colors to match that of Synergy.)

Olivia Horvath: How about that?

TLOTA (Audio only): Thank you Olivia. Okay Now, ORAC Ready the Alien Contacts over her eyes. (The Holographic image of Traci is painted skin wise with the combo of colors and her eyes are covered by the Contacts.) Thank you, now you said to Mike you were trying on Costumes, ORAC stop when you come up with the clothing from Synergy and the hair color to match Synergy’s as well. (The Holographic image of Traci is painted skin wise with the combo of colors, her eyes are covered by the Contacts and the Hair and Costume matches that of Synergy before cutting to James looking at Traci.)

TLOTA: Seriously? Or should I say “Synergy”? Really? Why? (Traci gets James off of her.)

Traci Hines: Okay, last year you said you knew the movie was gonna bomb and if certain people or certain people didn’t crossover to review it, you weren’t going to.

TLOTA: Well why not ask me? I’m not unreasonable. I’d be glad to do something, within reason of course.

Traci Hines: I know that but I felt you needed to review it.

TLOTA: Why? What else can I say that everyone else has said!

(Cut to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This turkey was Dead on Arrival. Nothing will ever compare to how bad this is and I’ve seen some really bad movies that’ll never be erased from the deepest recesses of my memories. But what little good that I can say is that the casting of certain actors in this movie and I’ve got nothing bad to say about the teenagers playing the characters of Jerrica, Kimber and the rest of the Holograms or to Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis but as far as I’m concerned everything that has been said about how bad this movie is HAS been said, I’ve got nothing to add to it so let’s do the only sensible thing left and to say yeah, this movie sucks, let it die and rot in hell! (Cut to James, Olivia and Traci in the backroom)

TLOTA: There, are you satisfied?

Traci Hines: Yeah, I am. Thank you.

TLOTA: You’re Welcome! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a staff meeting in case Traci here wasn’t the only person involved. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion! Would you like to be a part of this because…?

Olivia Horvath: Yeah, she took my make-up. (Cut to James and Olivia looking at everyone else before cutting to everyone else as an hour has passed)

Paulo Fonseca: You do know, Me, my sister, my Brother in Law, Eric, John, Mike, Renee & Eliza had nothing to do with what Traci did. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I understand that. But this is a symptom to what is truly wrong here. (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA (Audio only): I’m not an asshole who won’t listen to your ideas and go for them. I might help your ideas if they were sensible and for the love of peat moss if you suggest something write it down, shoot it to me through my E-Mail or say it to my face and I WILL listen. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I need to lead but I also have to be your friends in order for us to work together and if you need to walk away for a brief period I WILL UNDERSTAND! (Cut to everyone else)

Eliza Dushku: And we know you will, it’s just that you have a big personality and you can be loud and hard in certain areas. (Everyone turn their heads towards Eliza) What did I say wrong? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Nothing, but I do get the point. I’m not like my father. I’m better I will listen. (The audio of static from a TV is heard.)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Audio only): Well after last year it’s a miracle that you listen at all!

Olivia Horvath: Who said that?

TLOTA: If it’s who I think it is… (James turns to see on his TV The Maven Of The Eventide.)

TLOTA (Audio only): DAMN IT MAVEN…. (Cut to everyone looking at the TV)

TLOTA: I thought we were Square! (Cut to the TV)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Oh we are, it’s just that I have one more request for you to do. For old times’ sake and it just so involves one of your members of your team contacting the other three she knows involved in it. (Cut to everyone in team TLOTA before the camera pans over to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: Really?! Who would I know? Oh them. I’ll see if I can contact them.

A "Ghost" Of A Chance

(Scene starts in a theater lobby where a man is walking down throwing Michael Bay produced movies before cutting to a photo shopped cut image of Michael Bay’s head on James’ body walks down before a red circle with a diagonal line lands right him making the Ghost from the “Ghostbusters” portion of the insignia of the “Ghostbusters” before a crowd shouts “MOVIEBUSTERS!” before cutting to the Main Lobby of James’ Studio as James is taking it easy in his Ghostbusters outfit before cutting to The Receptionist played by Brenda Zamora-Fonseca as she picks up the phone and the earphone becomes the size of her head. She soon presses the “Easy” button from “Staples” which sets off the alarm Klaxon which makes James fall over cartoonish-like before cutting to Eric, Paulo, Rebecca & Mike working on something when they hear the alarm before cutting to Nick, John, Renee, Eliza and Traci in the kitchen trying to take a bite to eat when they drop their food on the table when they hear the alarm before heading to A Van and before Paulo enters he gives his wife a kiss on the lips before James’ hand pulls him into the van as the Ecto-1 klaxons blare before cutting to the Theater Lobby as posters from bad movies and every actor Hollywood hates is seen trampling around before cutting to Team TLOTA prep their proton packs then cutting to Shia LaBeouf Screaming like his usual annoying self before seeing Proton Streams come from Team TLOTA’s Proton Packs capture all of them before cutting to a trap vacuuming up all of them then cutting to James picking up the trap and giving the team the thumbs up before swish cutting to the Moviebusters as a sparkle of white light comes up under the logo and pops out the word “And…” all while Phelous sings with the instrumental of The Real Ghostbusters.)

Phelous (Singing): If there’s Something strange in the theater, who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

Phelous (Singing): If it’s something so bad that it ain’t no good, who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

Phelous (Singing): I ain’t afraid of no Bay! I ain’t afraid of no Bay!

Phelous (Singing): Who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

Phelous (Singing): Who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James dressed as a Ghostbuster in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Guys, I’ve always believed that certain rules must be kept in order to keep balance in this nutty world of ours and then there are times when the rules must be broken. This is one of the times when the rules must break as I talk about a movie which as of this moment is still in theaters, that’s right the 2016 movie that calls itself “Ghostbusters” or as it’s been called lately by the other title “Ghostbusters Answer The Call”. (Cut to clips recreated by Team TLOTA mixed with stills from the actual movie as well as clips from the 1984 classic as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And while some in our profession has decided NOT to talk about it. I think it’d be a bigger crime to ignore it entirely because there are moments in which needs to be discussed, characters that need to be addressed and I feel it cannot be swept under the rug. Will it be as awesome as the Original Movies or will it wind up making me miss the worst episodes of “The Real Ghostbusters”.  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And before I forget there’s something I’ve got to warn everyone about, it starts with an “S”. Swim? Skin? Swami? Salami? Slippy? Slappy? Shemp? Simmons? Swans? Swansong? Svenson? Swanson? Stallion? Stallone? Segal? Samsonite? Soil? Sailers? (Cut to a clip from Doctor Who episode “Let’s Kill Hitler” in which River Song asks “Spoilers?” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That’s the word I’m looking for, Thanks River! This is “Ghostbusters: Answer The Call” (James opens up a can of Ecto-Cooler only for James to spit it out after taking a sip before cutting to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins at Columbia University where Tenured Professor Dr. Erin Gilbert played by Kristen Wiig is asked by an owner of a haunted house to investigate it because of a book her and an associate of hers named Dr. Abby Yates played by Melissa McCarthy which was written then published and put on sale at Amazon which puts her Tenure at the University in Jeopardy.

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): This is not good, if the Dean sees this I’m fired! Where is she?!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Erin finds her old associate with a technical wizard by the name of Holtzmann played by Kate McKinnon at a lesser accredited university and spills about the haunted house.

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): So, here’s the deal, I’ll let you and Holtzmann join me in this exploration of this haunted house, you recall all the copies of this book AND destroy all the copies you haven’t sold.

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): Sounds good to me. Where’s my Wonton soup? Oh well come Holtzmann, let’s do it!

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): I’ll bring the deadly explosive weapons!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, Holtzmann is off, but she is off in a good way! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And Okay, let’s get this out of the way as well. I Actually liked the Ghostbusters in this movie! (Cut to stills of the original Ghostbusters and their counterparts in the recent movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): There was an opportunity for them to just be cheap knockoffs of Peter Venkman, Raymond Stanz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore. But I give credit to the actresses who played these characters their just dues for bringing their own personalities to what could’ve been flat out knock-offs and for me it’s kind of refreshing. (Cut to Eliza Dushku in her Ghostbusters uniform at the doorway at James’ office)

Eliza Dushku: Hey James, we got a problem! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: It’s always something! (Cut to the meninists protesting the new Ghostbusters movie outside of James’ front door before cutting to James and Eliza standing there in dull bemusement.)

TLOTA: What are you chuckleheads up to?

Meninist #1 (Played by Nick Yaun): YOU CAN’T JUDGE THIS MOVIE BY THE QUALITY OF THE CHARACTERS, THEY’RE WOMEN!

Meninst #2 (Played by Mike Santos): WE TRIED TO THREATEN SONY TO REMOVE THE MOVIE BECAUSE THEY WERE WOMEN. WE DID THE SAME THING KIM JONG-UN DID BUT THEY JUST LOOKED AT US AS IF WE WERE NUTS! BUT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND WOMEN RUIN EVERYTHING, LIKE THEY DID IN MAD MAX AND NOW THE GHOSTBUSTERS.

Meninist #3 (Played by Eric Kurtzke): YEAH! (Cut to James & Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: You know something I figured out what’s wrong with you. You virgins never even touched a woman or let a woman touch you and do you know why? Because you are weak and pathetic! James is a real man. Not because he’s a Conservative Republican, it’s because he’s a decent human and if I do this… (Eliza kisses James) he reacts accordingly with the smile on his face and if I do this… (Eliza smacks James on the behind) his reaction is a normal one OR if I do this… (Cut to the meninists reacting as James reacts with different noises ending with a “YOWZA!” before cutting to a content James and Eliza pulling the zipper up on her Ghostbusters uniform) Notice the smile on James’ face, because unlike you crying complaining jack-asses he EARNED that through the hard work and sacrifice of what he does and who he is. So you know what, let me get a few of my friends over here and they’ll set you straight, come James you have a review to do.

TLOTA (sounding goofy): Duh Okay! (James chuckles as he walks in before cutting to the meninists looking at one another.)

Meninst #1: Did you see what she did to him and how he just stood there and took it? Isn’t he worried she might carry the Zika Virus!

Meninst #2: She’s totally ruined his life, just the way women ruin everything.

Meninst #3: Yeah! (Cut to clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after getting slimed and the video of the encounter put on the internet, it’s pretty much the end of her career.

The Dean of Columbia University (Played by James Faraci): This pop bunk science is something this university cannot be associated with. Therefor as of this moment ipso facto you are relieved from your position.

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): But I’ve got tenure!

The Dean of Columbia University (Played by James Faraci): You have got nothing and don't bother your friends  for they too have been fired from their lesser accredited universities so as of this moment, You're Screwed. Now if you'll excuse me I'll have security escort you out of here whilst I laugh at women who are under the misguided belief that they are important, laugh at the claims about how many female students are getting raped by our male students and enjoy my Earl Grey.  (The Dean chuckles as Erin moves the desk aside and kicks the Dean in the Po-pos!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after the three were fired for their video, they decide to open up the “Department of the Metaphysical Examination” meanwhile MTA worker Patty Tolan played by Leslie Jones is doing her job when she notices someone a little south of sound mind.

Rowan North (Played by John Ross Santos): This world will perish in a sea of death and I shall open the flood gates and rule over the dead!

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): Boy you are not right in the head! Hey where are you going? (Patty follows Rowan only to see the device that enhances ghosts’ abilities and a ghost appears and Patty runs like hell out of dodge screaming all the way!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that happens we find our three doctors setting up a temporary office on the second floor of a Chinese Restaurant when Patty tells them about the Ghost she saw and the three decide to test out their Proton Containment ray. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: And Again, this is where I give the movie credit, where credit is due. (Cut to a still of the Proton Pack from the Original and the 2016 movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In the original, we’re shown the final design of the Proton Pack, we were never privy as to how many failed attempts in making the Proton Packs there were so to see that the new movie tests their Unlicensed Nuclear Accelerators in order to make it safe to use is a smart move! (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Any way after nearly capturing the ghost only for the device to be destroyed and the ghost is sent to Queens. Patty joins them and they hire a Good looking receptionist played by Chris Hemsworth who’s not exactly that good at what he supposed to do.

Kevin (Dressed as Thor and Played by Nick Yaun): Ghostbusters central!

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): We’re the… (Erin looks into Kevin’s eyes and melts) Whoever you say we are.

Patty (Audio only by Renee Miller): Okay, let’s get that girl away from the hunky honkey! (Patty, Holtzmann & Abby drag Erin away.)

Kevin (Dressed as Thor and Played by Nick Yaun): Uh listen there’s a device like the one Patty saw at a rock concert and…

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): GRAB SOME SOUP AND LET’S GET GOING!

TLOTA (Voiceover): So they load up their equipment and get to the Rock Concert and… OKAY! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Let’s talk about the effects, Okay throughout most of the effect shots in the battles with the Ghosts are at best pretty average CGI for a Scooby Doo Live Action movie but when they’re mixed Practical effects it actually doesn’t look that bad especially in the final battle with the Ghosts. (Cut to stills of the effects from the original Ghostbusters and the effects from recent movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The reason the Ghosts and the effects from the Proton Packs and Trap have aged well is because they were able to test the limits of what they could do with what they had. But the more advanced CGI doesn’t mean squat if you don’t have the right people working with the right capabilities to know when to use the human body to assist in making it feel real if it's done wrong then you’re in Sharknado territory.  (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But I digress, the fearless female foursome stops the ghost that would’ve possibly hurt everyone and are soon greeted by… (Show the Bill Murray Cameo as done by Mike Santos.) Yeah, one last stop before the break. (Cut to stills of the Cast of the Original Ghostbusters in their cameos in the new Ghostbusters movie then stills of Harold Ramis and Rick Moranis as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Seeing a good 95% of the original cast from the original two movies doing cameos was a little off putting but not so much so it takes me out of the story or the movie itself though it should be mentioned that while yes they couldn’t get Harold Ramis physically because he had died before production began they were able to create a bust of him used in the beginning of this movie and as for Rick Moranis the reason he wasn’t a part of the movie is a sad one. He lost his wife in 1991 to cancer and after that he decided to park it and take care of his two children not long after she passed away. (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But again I digress, Bill Murray’s Cameo is that of a sceptic who believes the Ghostbusters are bunk but Erin opens the Trap holding the ghost  (Show the ghost throwing him out the window and the "Goofy" holler is heard as a thud follows after when the Waa-Waa Music from “The Real Ghostbusters” play and they Shrug their shoulders before cutting to a Ghost performed by Phelous in a black background and a red circle with a Diagonal line through it slams on to Phelous’ Ghost Character as he says with a sigh  “James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans will be right back after these messages” as “The Real Ghostbusters” commercial sting plays in the background before cutting to a second of a black screen before cutting to Phelous’ Ghost Character with a blowtorch looking to cut through the circle with the diagonal line before he blows out the flame chuckles and says “We now return to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” as “The Real Ghostbusters” commercial sting plays in the background before cutting to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well their recent activities have caught the eyes and ears of the Mayor of the city played by Andy Garcia and his aide played by Cecily Strong.

Mayor’s Aide (Played by Rebecca Yaun): On behalf of the Mayor, we are so glad to have you four save us from an attack from a ghost that could’ve cost the lives of thousands if not millions of our registered voters.

The Mayor (Played by Paulo Fonseca): However, in the press, I must denounce you as renegades to protect our tourist trade and capability to film TV Series and Movies here.

Erin, Abby, Holtzmann & Patty (In Unison): ARE YOU KIDDING US?!

The Mayor (Played by Paulo Fonseca): And you must be in constant contact with our federal contacts with Homeland Security so you can do what you must in private to save us and in public you must be further crucified for the greater good. (Cut to a clip of Hot Fuzz in which the secret society say in unison “The Greater Good” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Really?! Okay One last comparison between the classic and this new movie and it focuses on the character of the Mayor in both of these movies and how the one in the classic is better! (Cut to stills of the Mayor from the classic Ghostbusters Movie and the new Ghostbusters movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Here’s where I give the Original the credit where credit is due. The Mayor was reasonable and could see that his city was in danger and was willing to work with the Ghostbusters to protect the people who voted him in. But in the new movie, he’s an ass and I have no remorse in calling an ass, an ass! Why? Because he’s putting the people who voted for him in danger he’s supposed to protect us but he doesn't want to because he wants to keep the finances for his city up and running! WHAT A GIGANTIC MORONIC ASS! (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But eventually Erin discovers that all the appearances from the ghosts connect through Ley Lines at the Mercado Hotel where guess who works there! (Show Rowan as he giggles insanely and mumbles about breaking the barriers and Cuckoo birds cuckoo continually.)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): Freeze!

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): Move and I’ll blow you sky high!

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): We’re gonna take you in ya crazy honkey bastard!

Rowan North (Played by John Santos): There’s no way you can stop me from becoming The Lord Of The Dead and killing all the living!

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): You need to meet better people and I happen to know three other guys like you they’ve got nothing to live for except complaining you can learn how to handle the world better.

Rowan North (Played by John Santos): Yeah, I don’t think so! (The Four react Rowan jumps back out of frame as he electrocutes himself and screams and speaks in tongues until he shouts “Adieb! Adieb! Adieb! THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” and an explosion turns him into extra crispy critter and the four smell him.)

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): Whoo that boy reeked of crazy, loneliness, despair and sad!

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): And apparently bad soup! (The electronic device powers up)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): HO BOY! We don’t shut that off we’re looking at Old Testament Wrath Of God Level “WE’RE SCREWED!” I mean Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! (The Machine powers down) How the…?

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): Yeah The more they overthink the size of the explosion, the easier it is to stop the bomb. By the way, looky what I found! (Holtzmann finds a copy of Erin & Abby’s Book and Erin grabs it)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): YOINK!

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the four are carted away the Mayor’s Aide congratulates them out of earshot of the press and AGAIN continues to follow the Mayor’s request to make them out to be worse than Terrorists!

The Mayor’s Aide (Played by Rebecca Yaun): And as these vigilantes tried to stop the poor lonely sad man from frying himself he realized who they were and ultimately took his own life. We will make an example of them. (Turns to them as she signals deadpan “Great Job, now officers get them out of here!” and two Homeland Security agents played by Phelous and Eric Kurtzke drag the four away) They will be charged and hung up by their knockoff Jimmy Choos!

TLOTA (Voiceover): But as Erin looks over the Book from Rowan’s place she discovers that killing himself was part of his plan to become Lord of The Dead and as it is with all villains TAKE OVER THE WORLD! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back recreated clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Realizing that they’re still 428 flavors of screwed over. Erin tries to get the mayor to come to grips with reality but he would rather be an ass than reasonable because let’s face it the Mayor would rather keep money flowing in than DOING YOUR JOB WHICH IS TO SERVE AND PROTECT THE PEOPLE OF YOUR CITY AS MAYOR! (Erin grabs the Table as two guards played by James Faraci and Phelous grab Erin as they try to escort her out.)

Erin Gilbert (Crying played by Eliza Dushku): YOU DON’T GET IT! WE’RE ALL SCREWED! IT’S A BUG HUNT MAN! GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER! YOU’RE WORSE THAN THE MAYOR FROM “JAWS” YOU’RE AN ASS!

The Mayor (Played by Paulo Fonseca): Never compare me to the Mayor from “Jaws”! NEVER COMPARE ME TO THE MAYOR FROM “JAWS”! (The Mayor chuckles) It is okay my people, the city is safe, it has never been safer!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Back at the headquarters, the spirit of Rowan possesses Abby and makes her try to destroy the equipment and nearly kill Holtzmann. So what does Patty do? Pimp smack the hell out of Abby to get the Ghost out! That works!

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): GET! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) OUT! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) OF! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) MY! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) FRIEND! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) YOU! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) HONKY! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) SACK! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) OF! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) PROTO! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) PLASM! (The spirit leaves as Patty continues to smack Abby around before Abby shouts “ENOUGH!”) Oh, I’m sorry baby!

Kevin (Audio only played by Nick Yaun): Hey Guys, What’s this weird cloud thing!

Abby, Holtzmann & Patty (In Unison): Uh-Oh! (The three watch as Kevin is possessed by the Spirit of Rowan)

Kevin (Dressed as Thor and Now possessed by the Spirit of Rowan vocally performed by Phelous but physically played by Nick Yaun.): NOW TO FINISH MY MASTER PLAN! (Cackles evilly)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With Rowan now possessing Kevin he finishes his device and opens a breach between the realm of the dead and the realm of the living! Homeland Security tries to intervene but wind up stuck in an End Credit Dance Sequence! Meanwhile The Ghostbusters decide it’s time to take the fight to the Ghosts and equip themselves with more than just their Proton Packs! They’ve got Proton weapons that blast, shred and make the ghosts go BOOM!

Erin Gilbert (firing her Proton Rifle Played by Eliza Dushku): DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN! COME HERE I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!

Patty (Singing played by Renee Miller): MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! GHOSTHIDE! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! SHRED ‘EM UP!  GHOSTHI-I-I-I-I-I-IDE!

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): You know my favorite Kevin James movie is? HERE COMES THE BOOM!

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): What’s wrong? Oh Yeah! YOUR ASS IS SOUP!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually they reach the Epicenter of the disturbance where Rowan discards Kevin and chooses his final form!

Rowan (vocally played by Phelous): What too cartoonish?

Rowan (Sounding more demonic with every next word coming out of his mouth played by Phelous): Very well then, LET’S…. GET…. REAL! (The Ghost becomes more dimensional, fifty trillion feet taller and physically played Phelous! As the music from The Real Ghostbusters when the team is in the face of Danger and the final chance to get the win in the episode “Knock Knock”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And to add to the totally screwed Slimer took Ecto One for a Joyride. The only solution? Direct Slimer to drive Ecto One into the epicenter of the portal hit the Nuclear device on the top of Ecto One in hopes to turn the portal that’s causing the Ghosts to come to our world into a gigantic vacuum by reversing polarity of the neutron flow and bring them all back and take Rowan with them! Fortunately, it worked until Rowan tries to hold onto two skyscrapers and the team aim their Proton packs onto Rowan's Personal pack

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): We meant to aim there, right?

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): Uh yeah, let’s go with that!

TLOTA (Voiceover): But Rowan isn’t going back alone as he grabs Abby and Erin goes rushing in to save her! (Erin blasts Rowan into the depths of the Ghostly realm and she grabs Abby)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): Got ya! We’ve got only one chance! FULL DISPERSION MODE! WIDE ANGLE! EVERYTHING WE’VE GOT IT MIGHT JUST PUSH US BACK! GO! GO! GO! (The two fire their Proton Packs accelerating them out of the Portal!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And thus Rowan is defeated and our heroes are still meant to be looked up as evil as a Republican in the Press by the Mayor. The Mayor’s aide tells the team the Mayor will fund their research and set them up with better headquarters and the Movie ends with The Big Apple sending love to the Ladies who saved their city!

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): You know something, this maybe the start of something amazing. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that was “Ghostbusters: Answer The Call” and I thought this was Great! (Cut to clips recreated by Team TLOTA mixed with stills from the actual movie as well as clips from the 1984 classic as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While nothing will EVER take away my love of the original two movies and the Animated series this movie does what few reboots do. It honors the past while does its own thing. The Story while borrowing beats and elements from the original is well told, the characters are enjoyable including Erin & Holtzmann, the effects range from average to amazing and I was honestly surprised to see how great everything was in this movie. If you want to see it, go for the gusto and see it in 3D in the theaters or if you want to wait until it’s available in the home market get on Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital Download it’s worth the time and money! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me….

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): James…. (Cut to everyone else at the door)

Paulo Fonseca: We’ve been holding this person off long enough. Are you done with your review? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Yeah, Bring ‘em on. (Cut to the main lobby as a Lindsay Nagel type exec played by Olivia Horvath is looking around as James comes face to face with her.)

TLOTA: Can I help you?

L.N. Exec: Uh yes, I work for a focus group “O DASH S” and we’d like to help you move to the next level and what I’m seeing is Rounded Glasses.

TLOTA: Rounded Glasses?

L.N. Exec: Yes, those glasses look sharp and could scare someone!

TLOTA: They’re a curved rectangular shape!

L.N. Exec: But you’d look so much better in Rounded Glasses and do we need all the females to be so fierce. I prefer docile and feminine females to be around who… (The L.N. Exec from “O DASH S” continues to just make the same notes that Q5 did that ruined “The Real Ghostbusters” when James notices the header on the note of that being Q5. James tosses the note when a hand from Phelous comes up and stops him.)

Phelous: Hold it James, I’ve got this is one!

L.N. Exec (Audio only): And can we focus the series more on the green ghost instead of a movie review! (A gun shot is heard and a yelp in pain is heard before screams and gun shots are heard and Team TLOTA react as the bouncing Slimer music from "The Real Ghostbusters" is heard in the foreground)

Phelous (Audio only): DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN! COME HERE I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! AND THAT ONE IS FOR MAKING DAVE COULIER PETER VENKMAN! NOW CLEAN UP YOUR BLOOD AS YOU DIE! (James sighs as James whips out his cell phone)

TLOTA: Well, looks like I know who I have to call.

John Santos: The Ghostbusters?

TLOTA: Well them and my attorney see if I can get Phelous off on a mental defense. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion! Hello Eric Adler… (James walks away as the music from the ending of an Episode of “The Real Ghostbusters” plays in the background and everyone else just stand there looking at one another.)

"The Force" Analyzed

(The opening text of A Long Time Ago in a Theater far, far away appears then cuts to the words “The Last Of The Americans” in Star Wars Font style Text as it goes into the starry background the words “Episode LXXVIII” And under that is the words “The Force Analyzed” then in text the first verse is seen “The Force Awakens revived the Star Wars Franchise. James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Eliza Dushku decide to check it out for James’ birthday. But as the two walk away from the theater the two are captured by the second in command of the new World order Highlo Bet as they are warped to another part of the galaxy they find a group of rebels as they have obtained the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon”. Then the second verse is seen “But all the while with the approval of the republic, A rebellion fleet led by a legend in the days of the old War is sent to find out what had happened and to see if they can find the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon.” Then the third verse is seen “The fate of the new World order and the galaxy and the Star Wars now rest in the hands of a few in order to save us all.” Before cutting to a Super Star destroyer then to the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer where Highlo Bet played by Paulo Fonseca stands looking as fire colored lens flares are engulfing the front windows as James & Eliza are being forcibly brought to him with General Nux played by Nick Yaun.)

Gen. Nux: Lord Bet, I believe these are the two you called upon.

Highlo Bet: Yes, do you have their weapons?

Gen. Nux: Yes, my lord.

Highlo Bet: So the two of you are the last to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and you (Cuts to James being forcibly flung to Highlo Bet and then made to kneel.) From what intelligence has gathered you are an Internet Reviewer, so tell me honestly, what did you think of “The Force Awakens”? And What Is your Associate saying?

TLOTA (Grunting while talking): You want to know? Simple DELTA… (Cut to the Sonic Screwdrivers powering up before cutting to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: LEVEL… (Cut to the bottom of James’ boots as he clicks to reveal repulsar jet exhaust vents before cutting to James)

TLOTA (Grunting while talking): DEFENSE! (The Sonic Screwdrivers emit an electrical pulse that knock out everyone save for James who blast jumps off of Highlo Bet and Eliza Dushku who kicks out of the grasp of the new World order Stormtrooper and rolls out of the way. The Song “Up The Shard” from the 0:00 through the 1:31 mark by Murray Gold plays in the background as James grabs the Sonic Screwdrivers as he and Eliza run throughout the Super Star Destroyer eventually meeting up with Jol Methadone played by John Santos & Tenn played by Nicholas Markin over a large vent over the hangar bay.)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku: Howdy!

Jol & Tenn: Hello. (The four try to shake hands but are interrupted as a laser blast hits the wall as they cut to a first person perspective to see that they’re surrounded by troopers of the new World order.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Great! Surrounded by Bowling pins who can’t shoot worth a damn and our only way out is down. (Cut to the four back to back)

TLOTA: Anybody got an idea or a reasonable facsimile of one thereof?

Eliza Dushku: I do! (Eliza Dushku pulls out her Sonic Screwdriver and aims it at the corners of the panel.) Everyone get ready to fall! (The four fall out of frame as it cuts to see the four fall through a vent as James notices that the other vent opening is closed and pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver to remedy the situation. As the scene cuts to the four slam falling into the hangar bay.)

Tenn: This way. (The four find a TIE fighter and James looks to the left of the TIE fighter)

TLOTA: Never thought I’d be glad to see this. (The two groups run as the scene cuts to James’ Time Space Device going with a TIE Fighter as Tenn & Jol in the cockpit of the stolen TIE Fighter contacts James and Eliza)

Jol Methadone: Hey Guys…! (Cut to James and Eliza in James’ Time Space device trying to outfly the enemy TIE Fighter)

TLOTA & Eliza: WE SEE IT! WE SEE IT! (Scene cuts to the TIE Fighter taking down Tenn’s fighter which knocks James Time Space Device into a spinning crash into a planet and the audio of James and Eliza scream as they crash land onto a desert and in a distance we see Tenn’s fighter land far away from them as the scene cuts to inside of James’ time space device which has fallen into disrepair)

TLOTA: ORAC! What happened?

ORAC (Audio only): We have crashed onto the planet KaKu! In addition, we do not have enough power for a trip back to earth for all of us.

TLOTA: Where’s the survival packs?

ORAC (Audio only): Under the main console. (James grabs two survival packs and James grabs Eliza Dushku escaping James’ Time Space Device as it dematerializes leaving the two in the middle of a sand dune as they hear an explosion in the background and Eliza wakes up groaning)

Eliza Dushku: Where are we?

TLOTA: Well, If there's a bright center to the universe, we're on the planet that it's farthest from. According to ORAC we’re on the planet Kaku.

Eliza Dushku: Really, Where’s ORAC and your Time and Space Device now.

TLOTA: Hopefully it’s back at the office and ORAC is giving the others instructions to repair and retrieve us. If not, our turkeys are cooked.

Eliza Dushku: Don’t you mean, Geese?

TLOTA: In my line of work, I deal in turkeys. (Cut to everyone else at James’ office surprised to see the time and space device)

Eric Kurtzke: Well, leave it to James to surprise us when we’re trying to surprise him! (Windshield swipe cut back to James and Eliza as James hands Eliza her Survival pack)

TLOTA: Here, it’s solar powered and the canteen can draw moisture from the air and make it drinkable water. Now let me see if I can find some sort of civilization nearby and if I’m lucky it’ll sound like… (James walks around in a circle while Sonic Screwdriver makes different noises until it makes the usual Sonic Screwdriver noise and James stops) This way. Follow me. (The two walks towards the camera)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go! HO! 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer if any of those happen to fall…. (Cut to the blazing hot sun overhead before cutting to the two continuing to sing.)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Slurred singing): Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall…. (The two take a swig from their canteens)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Love a parade! The trampling of feet, the sound of the beat when I hear a drum! IIIIIIIIIIIII Love a parade! Whenever I hear the band, I just want to stand and cheer as they come! (James takes a deep breath sighing exhaustedly as the scene cuts to later in the day and the two are coming up over another sand dune.)

Eliza Dushku: We pass a service station that can serve us EVERY single thousand lightyears but when we really need one, we wind up walking our asses off!

TLOTA: Preaching to the choir, this is no way to run a planet that’s mostly desert! (The camera pans back as James laughs and we see two indigenous citizens of the planet KaKu)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): What?

TLOTA (Audio only): We’re gonna die out here! (Cut to the indigenous citizens as they speak their language with the subtitles under the two “What a couple of assholes!” before cutting to the blazing overhead sun before cutting to see James and Eliza walking over yet another sand dune)

TLOTA: Taxi! Taxi!

Eliza Dushku: Oh god we’re dead! Our bodies are saying we’re alive but our brains are saying “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND THE IDIOT NEXT TO YOU DOING?! LAY DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!”

TLOTA: Taxi! Here boy! Oh god we’re dead! Why can’t we die?! (Cut to yet another dune as James carries Eliza Dushku on his back)

TLOTA: Mommy! Mommy?! (James tumbles forward and Eliza Dushku falls off rolling forward towards a skeleton next to a Stormtrooper’s outfit.)

Eliza Dushku (Shouting): WHOA! HEY! HI! HOW ARE YOU?! HEY! (Cut to the two making it over yet another dune where a tent is and the two laugh insanely before falling down as a shadow comes over them as the scene circular wipe cuts to an hour later in which the two are under the shade of a tent and a strange woman played by Traci Hines treating them as James comes to.)

Strange woman: Hello

TLOTA: Hi, uh how long have me and my associate been out?

Strange woman: An hour. A friend of yours found you two on his way here. You were just about dead but he dragged both of you under my tent and took care of your poor health. Your feet were just abysmally wretched smelling and they were puffy. She on the other hand wasn’t as bad as yours.

TLOTA: Wait, wait, wait, who grabbed us?

Tenn (Audio only): I did. (Tenn walks into the tent)

TLOTA: Wait, you were in the TIE Fighter with that other guy. What happened to him?

Tenn: I don’t know. Last I saw my TIE Fighter it sank in the sand then exploded as for Jol, I don’t know what happened to him. Oh where are my manners, I’m Tenn and Her name is Tray!

TLOTA: Well, hello Tenn & Tray, I’m James and my associate is called …

Eliza Dushku: Eliza! A Pleasure to meet you bo … WHOA! James, The Blisters on your feet are the sizes of tubs! (James looks to see his feet have inflated to triple in size!)

TLOTA: YOWZA! ICE TUBS!

Tenn: Where?

TLOTA: In the pack! (Eliza opens James’ pack to get the Ice tubs and James places both of his feet in them and a whoosh of steam is unleashed as the ice evaporate and James’ feet come out with the skin peeling and shredded.)

TLOTA: EGADS! Haven’t been this surprised since “The Force Awakens”

Tray: Surprised how?

TLOTA: Surprised that it’s a reality! (Cut to images of The Original Trilogy & The Prequel Trilogy of “Star Wars” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not, I was glad as a Star Wars fan to have let sleeping dogs lie especially when it came to the movies. I was glad to have seen the original as a kid and the prequels when they came out. As a matter of fact, the first memory of Seeing Star Wars came with getting my first VCR. For those who are my nieces age a VCR was this device that played this rectangular block that housed a copy of the film you were going to watch. Some of the first movies I saw on this format was “Disney’s Lady & The Tramp”, “Pinocchio”, “The Great Muppet Caper” & “Star Wars” though technically “Star Wars” was recorded from a CBS Broadcast and had the last minute of “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown” And when I saw it, I was amazed at the story about a young person going through this journey and what he had gone through and when my family got a video rental service that’s when I saw “The Empire Strikes Back” & “Return of The Jedi” the twists and turns shocked me and like everyone else I loved these movies and would glad to stop everything to see them. I saw the prequels in the theaters and when I saw them I thought they weren’t bad but as time has gone on, I began to understand why people didn’t like them. Doesn’t mean I agree with them, I found “The Phantom Menace” riff worthy fun, “Attack of The Clones” in need of having a re-write but a good thing to put on the background and make Samuel L. Jackson sound more bad-ass and “Revenge Of The Sith” possibly the best of the three prequels because it was the closest to the Original Trilogy and honestly outside of Expanded Universe Media I was glad to let “Star Wars” drift away into movie history. But the news of more movies coming didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was the fact that Disney bought Lucasfilms and the rights to the “Star Wars” franchise. I thought it would’ve been 20^th Century Fox to buy Lucasfilms and gain those rights. It was 20^th Century Fox that financed the first “Star Wars” movie and distributed “Empire”, “Jedi” & The Prequels, so wouldn’t have selling Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” to 20^th Century Fox been the more logical route? (Cut to everyone in the tent having just finished wrapping James’ feet in bandages and everyone save for James taking off a gas mask.)

Eliza Dushku: Okay, your feet smell wicked bad first. Second what is your beef towards Disney?

TLOTA: It’s not so much a beef towards Disney as much as I’ve seen what Disney has done with great franchises. (Cut to images of “Power Rangers” seasons under the Disney banner as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I discovered Disney purchased the Power Rangers franchise from Saban it was out of left field. And to say what they did with a few of their seasons and hearing about they disrespected that franchise and the fans of it made me cautious towards what they would’ve done with Star Wars but hearing how they sold Power Rangers for Pennies on the Dollar just so they could buy Marvel, Lucasfilms & Star Wars made me realize that instead of making good with what they got, The house of Mouse will squeeze every last drop of good and throw it away just so they can leave a bad taste in people’s mouth when it’s not their property. (Cut to everyone in the tent)

Tenn: So you were worried they’d do what they did on Power Rangers with Star Wars?

TLOTA: Yep

Tray: But that’s comparing apples to cumquats.

TLOTA: The point I was trying to make is that instead of working on bettering what they had with Power Rangers and keeping that franchise amazing they tried to Disney-fy it until no one wanted to watch it or work on it because before Disney got their hands on it Power Rangers was in the top five best Sci-Fi Franchises for kids and adults as far as I’m concerned and when Disney bought both Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” I had legitimate reasons for concern. (A droid beeping hovering around hits James in the leg) OW! What the… (James picks up the droid and reads aloud it’s designation “C-D-I”)

TLOTA: Let me say this right now, I know a nerd who would be glad to wipe this droid off the face of the map. (A Laser blast hits outside of the tent) Well, I guess we know whose after him don’t we! RUN! (Everyone runs away from the blasts being fired upon their tent before cutting to the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer.

Highlo Bet: CAREFUL YOU MORON! I SAID ACROSS THEIR NOSES NOT UP THEM! (The gunner played by Mike Santos turns to show his eyes are crossed and faces Highlo Bet)

Gunner: Sorry sir, I’m doing my best! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the gunner)

Highlo Bet: Who made you a gunner?

Major (Audio only): I did sir! (Cut to the Major who is also cross-eyed and facing Highlo Bet)

Major: He’s my brother! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the Major)

Highlo Bet: Who are you?

Major: I’m a major! Major Idiot!

Highlo Bet: And your brother?

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: I’m an idiot too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot!

Highlo Bet: How many Idiots do I have on this ship, anyway?

(Entire bridge crew played by everyone on Team TLOTA in multiple costumes stands up and raises a hand)

Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!

Highlo Bet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by idiots! KEEP FIRING IDIOT! (Cut to James, Eliza, Tray & Tenn standing in the shadow of a familiar ship.)

Tray: Are you sure this thing can fly?

TLOTA: This thing will make .5 past light speed. It made the Kessel run in five parsecs! It outlasted two Death Stars and was able to get The Then Administrator of Bespin out of Imperial capture and was the Flagship of the Rebellion! This is the fastest ship in the galaxy! (Cut to the exterior of the Millennium Falcon.)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): So why is it in a Junkyard?

TLOTA (Audio only): Well, according to my Screwdriver, it’ll still fly. We just got to get her going! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as James uses his Sonic Screwdriver to reactivate all the systems.)

TLOTA: That ought to do it! Try it now! (Cut to the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon)

Tray: Nothing is working!

TLOTA (Audio only): For the love of Peat Moss! (James walks in, aims the Sonic Screwdriver at the control panel and the ship starts up)

TLOTA: There That ought to do it! PUNCH IT! (Cut to the Millennium Falcon taking off and flying out into space with the Super Star Destroyer following it before cutting to the Cockpit of the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: Here come the bad guys!

Tenn: We have to make the jump to light speed!

Tray: Do any of you know how to do so?

TLOTA: Why does everything have to rest on my shoulders? (James takes control of the ship and flips the right levers to take the ship to Lightspeed before cutting to the cockpit of the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: Well, it’ll be at least three years before they find us.

Tenn: Whew, so where are we heading?

TLOTA: Someplace we can have the home field advantage.

Eliza Dushku: Are you insane? We’d be putting more of us in danger than them.

TLOTA: You’re right let’s head to the Ne-e-ee-e-ee-e—EEEEEE! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Tray: There! (Cut to the outside of the Falcon as it’s being placed into another ship via A Tractor Beam before cutting to the hallway in the Falcon where Tray, Tenn, James & Eliza are ready to defend against whoever comes in!)

TLOTA (Whispering) Tenn, the second the last guy is through the door close it. Tray, the second they try to attack take down the last guy in and Tenn back her up, I’ll handle the boss, Eliza, stragglers are yours. (Cut to the Millennium Falcon’s door as a cloud of smoke fills the hall and steps are heard until the smoke clears as Kerr Avon played by Paul Darrow.)

Avon: Well, from one pile of flying scrap metal to another. The Story of my survival. (The sound of the door shuts close as James and everyone else prepare to throw down before James stops everyone.)

TLOTA: Avon! You Son of a… (James throws a punch and Avon goes down like a sack of potatoes)

Tray: Now why did you do that?

Avon: Relax, people do that all the time, especially for those who were loyal to Blake whom I shot.

TLOTA: When he was trying to build a revolutionist army to take down the Federation.

Avon: One of many mistakes that I will live with for the rest of my days and have continued to do so since that faithful day that I lost everyone, I have been running and now I believe I can stop running and start fighting if this ship is as powerful as “The Liberator” then I shall use it and you to finish the job that Blake started.

Tray: Well we have our own Problem. Highlo Bet and The new World order. (Avon grabs Tray’s Arm)

Avon: Did you say Highlo Bet? Very well then, tell the pilot of this ship to take us to these coordinates.

TLOTA: Okay, looks like I’m the pilot now! Why not add more to my buffet of a repertoire? Allons-Y! (Cut to a gigantic person on a throne and Highlo Bet looking up)

Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk How I may I serve you? (Cut to the gigantic Lord Hualk played by John Ross Santos)

Lord Hualk: First off my nWo-ite find a way to shrink this damned hologram! Secondly Have General Nux try the new Starkiller Base on the next place we stop by. Though I do have a question for you, Brother!

Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk, I assure you I know what I will do to if my father were to come for me.

Lord Hualk: Make sure you end Kerr Avon quickly, BROTHER!

Highlo Bet: Yes, my master!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and the Falcon lands near a bar on a forested planet as our ragtag team of travelers exit the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: So where are we?

TLOTA: According to the navicomputer we’re on the Planet…. Teriyaki!

Eliza Dushku: Seriously?!

Avon: The information I will require is in there! (Cut to a Cantina on top of a mountain before cutting to the inside as Avon orders a drink and the others walk down the bar.)

Avon: So Highlo Bet kidnapped you after watching a movie called “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and since then you have not had a moment’s peace not even long enough to say whether or not you enjoyed the movie.

TLOTA: Well Avon, I did enjoy the movie but to me it feels less like what “Star Wars” was like when I was a kid.

Avon: Was that when you saw those movies? Knowing you, the moment that made you a Star Wars Fan was some blaster battle or duel between the hero and the villain or some stupid catchphrase. (Cut to Stills from “The Original Star Wars Trilogy” and the Prequels before cutting to stills from “The Force Awakens” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually for me, the moment that made me a Star Wars fan WASN’T a battle or some catchphrase. It was when I saw Luke Skywalker having walked away from his aunt and uncle and stepped outside his home to see the Binary Sunset of his home on Tatooine and look and wonder what was in his future. To me THAT was the moment that made me a Star Wars fan and of course the moment was highlighted by the music of John Williams who has done a marvelous job composing ALL of the great moments I remember the most. Whether it was when Luke got home too late to save his Aunt and Uncle which the music punctuated the feeling of someone who had just lost the only thing he had that was his life up to that point or when Han was frozen in Carbonite to being able to cry when one of the Ewoks took the hit that was meant to take out his friend. As a matter of fact, the soundtracks to the Prequels were one of the best things because if you watched those movies sans the Dialogue you could make your own story to the prequels better except for “Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith” because the Dialogue there helps finalize Anakin’s fall from the Jedi and the light side and delving into the Dark Side. With “The Force Awakens” I got that feeling that made me like Star Wars back when I was a kid watching movies instead of critiquing them. (Cut to the inside of the cantina as everyone enjoys their drink.)

Tenn: So I take it that the only Prequel you did like was “The Sith”?

TLOTA: Actually, they aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be. (Silence fills the Cantina before we hear the sound of guns being cocked.)

Avon: Well James congratulations are in order for making every last syllable out of Villa’s mouth seem like something out of the finest paper on mathematics and science and now we shall die because of this!

TLOTA: Can I explain why The Prequels aren’t as bad? (Cut to the prequels and the original trilogy as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me, the Prequels are a necessary evil! I wanted to know the hows and whys as to what led to Anakin Skywalker’s fall to the Dark Side and become Darth Vader! I wanted to see what led to the rise of the empire. Does Jar-Jar deserve to be ripped into pieces by being truck ripped for what he did? Hell yeah! Did we all know that the character of Palpatine played Ian McDiarmid was in fact going to become the Emperor? Of Course! The Prequels had to tell the Story of Anakin in order to understand the Story of Luke and Leia in the original trilogy. What I will say is that the charm of the originals in which there wasn’t as much green screen and they had to use the physical to make the impractical look realistic isn’t in the Prequels. Do I wish George Lucas go the practical route a little more? Yes, but he realized he needed to be able to do these with the quality of the original trilogy but with making things easier for the actors involved. Did he sacrifice certain things? Yes, and those things he sacrificed made the Prequels a chore to sit through. Quite honestly I like the prequels but if George Lucas spent a little more time maybe a rewrite or two or had help polishing the stories to Episodes I & II then maybe they wouldn’t have been as ridiculed as they were. (Cut to everyone in the cantina)

TLOTA: Does that satisfy everyone?

Avon: Apparently not, they’re still ready to shoot us Stone Cold Dead thanks to you. (Cut to the Alien behind the bar physically performed by Eric Neil Kurtzke but vocally by Renee Miller.)

Alien: No! It was because I sensed the presence of the soldiers of the new World order and I let them know to be ready to shoot. But her… (Alien points to Tray before cutting to Tray)

Tray: Me? (Cut to the Alien behind the bar)

Alien: Yes. I believe this belongs to you. (The Alien pulls out a case and in it is a Lightsaber and as Tray grabs it she feels and experiences a flashback to certain things in the Star Wars series before James catches her as she begins to faint.)

TLOTA: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? (Tray wakes up)

Tray: What a Rush! James, take this.

TLOTA: Okay Why? Because I feel as if I’m about to be…. (Tray screams as she is force pulled to Highlo Bet and Highlo Bet orders his troops to come in and destroy everything and one in sight as it cuts to the Cantina as James activates the Lightsaber and holds his own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers as the Bar fight breaks out and Eliza Dushku attacks and holds her own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers before grabbing a blaster and starts shooting them and more blasts come as the rebellion comes to force the n.W.o Stormtroopers into retreat.)

Avon: Well, I should be grateful to the rebellion, I’m not that great a shot as I once was! (A Stormtrooper tries to shoot Avon in the back as a shot is heard and the camera pans over to Servalan played by Jacqueline Pearce.)

Servalan: And that is how I’ve been saving your backside ever since Gauda Prime! (Servalan hugs Avon)

Avon: To that I am grateful, Hello Servalan. I found Blake, thanks to these people. (Cut to James talking about a plan to rescue Tray and meeting up with Jol Methadone who explains how he escaped and met up with the rebels in the distance before cutting back to Servalan & Avon)

Servalan: If you can save him, do so, please ever since the Federation named me a traitor I’ve been wanting something good to come my way. Blake was it. Save him, Save our son!

Avon: I shall do what I must, no more, no less! (Circular swipe cut to the interior of Starkiller Base as Tray is being interrogated by Highlo Bet.)

Highlo Bet: So I will ask one more time, what do you know of the Rebels and their alliance against the n.W.o?

Tray: You will not get anything from me!

Highlo Bet: I will not get anything you! Hey Stop That!

Tray: I’m not doing anything!

Highlo Bet: You’re not doing anything! Wait a second, yes you are and I am going to wait until the second you tell me.

Tray: But not here, after we fight for the last time.

Highlo Bet: Very well then after we… GOD DAMN IT! GUARD! Watch her! (Cut to the outside of the room where the Captain of the guard and another Stormtrooper before seeing their heads being sliced off with a lightsaber and the door opens to see James, Eliza & Tenn rescue Tray.)

Tray: What took you so long?

Tenn: We had to come up with a plan and I had given the Rebellion the necessary data to destroy this thing!

Tray: Well, where is Avon?

TLOTA: Going to confront Highlo Bet. Why he would do that seems out of character, even for him.

Eliza: What do you know about characters?

TLOTA: Quite a bit especially when it comes to the Star Wars franchise.  (Cut to stills of certain moments in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I knew Han and Leia would’ve hooked up and settled down after the end of the First big battle and Luke would’ve restarted the Jedi temple and teach students in the ways of the force in both the Light and Dark side so they know what was where and what path they could go down. Then of course we have R2-D2 & C-3PO they would’ve remained loyal to Luke, Leia and Han but I have a lot of questions that I never got the answers to by the end of the movie such as What made Kylo Ren become a member of the Sith or What was the reason behind C-3PO’s red arm or for that matter why didn’t they know R2 was in a recharging mode hell even how The First Order picked up where the empire left off. (An audible scream of the word “Blake” is heard before cutting to a point in the of the interior of Starkiller Base as Highlo Bet stands in the center of the Base and Avon is seen at the end of the runway.)

Avon: BLAKE! Didn’t I ever teach you that it is considered rude to face someone behind a mask, my son. (Highlo Bet takes off his mask to reveal that he is Blake Servalan Avon played by Paulo Fonseca.)

Blake: Hello father! (Avon walks towards his son)

Avon: Your mother and I have never given up on you so answer me this, Have you given up on yourself? Have you given up on us as a family?

Blake: I am the only one who has tried to do what you and mother have never tried.

Avon: Your mother and I have tried to keep you out of what we do. So for her sake, my sake and yours let it go. (Avon and Blake come face to face as Blake and Avon hold Blake’s Lightsaber.)

Blake: I don’t know if I can.

Avon: Yes! I know what I do now is for all of us! (The lightsaber activates and guts Avon and his face reacts the same way Roj Blake’s did as he was shot by Avon before it is retracted.)

Avon (In pain and dying): Blake! (Avon falls to his death while focusing on an overhead shot on Blake)

TLOTA (Audio only): YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER YOU BASTARD! (Cut to James screaming and swinging down on a rope to try to be force thrown to the floor of the Hangar Bay of the Starkiller Base as everyone else runs and Blake chases after them as the scene cuts to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as everyone sighs and sits uncomfortably or cries silently)

Tenn: Why did this happen? We thought he would lead us to something to stop the n.W.o.

Tray: He died so we could have a chance to either destroy Highlo Bet or save Blake one of the two.

Eliza Dushku: Kind of hard seeing as how Blake & Bet are the same. This is so similar to what happens in “The Force Awakens”

TLOTA: Yeah, A little too similar. Almost like… Oh my God! I know why I and everyone liked “The Force Awakens” and for that matter the entire “Star Wars” Franchise! (Cut to a geeky female writer in front of a computer played by Rebecca Yaun)

G.F.W.: So James discovers the key fact on what keeps “Star Wars” popular as everyone else is left in surprise. (Cut to The interior of the Millennium Falcon)

Eliza, Tenn & Tray: FAN FICTION?!

TLOTA: Exactly that! Think About it! (Cut to stills of old Saturday Morning Movie Serials and Old Sci-Fi, Old Action & Western Movies Then Stills of the entire Star Wars franchise as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): George Lucas grew up watching these classics and wrote “Star Wars” as not only a love letter to those movies from a by-gone era, He essentially said “It was okay if you were or are a fan of these movies or stories that you grew up with, you can make them in your own way and people WILL enjoy it!” And that’s why J.J. Abrams made “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” the way he did. He did his own Fan-Fiction of where he thought the Star Wars franchise would go and ultimately it worked because it was HIS spin on Star Wars. That’s why the movie came out as great as it did! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as a familiar whoosh is heard as James’ Time and Space Device materializes inside the Falcon as the remainder of Team TLOTA walk out the door.)

Paulo Fonseca: Somehow You’d find yourself in trouble today.

Rebecca Yaun: And we would be the ones trying to clean up the mess!

TLOTA: Alright Eliza, let’s get going.

Tray: Wait, you can’t leave us.

TLOTA: Actually we’ve got a battle with Highlo or Blake or whoever he is.

Tenn: But who will help us in our battle with the n.W.o.? (A Smooth voice from the past says “Tenn, Rule Number One: Always expect help when everything looks bleak and Rule Number Two… Before cutting to Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian!)

Lando: Never forget rule Number one!  (Cut to a forested part of the Starkiller base where James in full on out battle gear and a special set of Sunglasses, Tenn holding the lightsaber & Tray await Blake and Blake arrives.)

TLOTA: Well Blake we meet face to face!

Blake: The Lightsaber, I Want it, I DEMAND YOU GIVE IT TO ME!

Tenn: Well, you’re going to have to take it from me!

TLOTA: And you’re going to have to go through me to get to Tenn! (Blake reaches out as James is flung off camera)

TLOTA (Audio as he landed): I’m not okay! (Blake and Tenn Battle for a few Seconds before they feel the earth shake and Tenn loses his grip on the Lightsaber.)

Blake: What was that?

TLOTA: Don’t you realize why there’s a whole lot of hurt coming your way? (Cut to the outer space as James’ Space & Time Device flies in the Air before cutting to the interior as Eliza, Traci, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke and John and Mike Santos pilot the thing and open communications to the rebellion.)

Paulo Fonseca: All fighters focus your attack runs on the center of that thing! (Cut to Jol Methadone in his X-Wing Fighter.)

Jol: Roger that! (Cut to the forested part of the Starkiller base!)

Blake: You sent them my way!

TLOTA: Not only here but a whole lot of other places as well in the quadrant you and everything you have been a part of.

Blake: No matter that lightsaber is MINE! (The Lightsaber goes to Tray and the lightsaber turns on. Blake and Tray fight.)

Blake: Come with me and I will show you the way of the force!

TLOTA (Audio): I don’t think that’s what she wants. (Cut to James standing strong as he wields The Sword Of Caliverti)

TLOTA: Besides You’re gonna get more of a headache with what’s coming your way! (Cut to a fleet of other Fandoms being led by the U.S.S. Enterprise!)

Captain James T. Kirk (Audio only by James Faraci but the image blurs between The Old School William Shatner, Movie version of Kirk by Shatner and Chris Pine from the reboot.): Calling this quadrant of space. This is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise! (Cut to the Outer space as Fandoms come out to attack.)

TLOTA (Audio only): You could say, they’ve been waiting to get their hands on you for a LONG TIME! (Cut to the cockpit of the Starkiller Base as Audio and Visual of Different Fandoms ranging from Comic Books to Movies to Sci-Fi and everything in between flooding everything before cutting to an image of the interior of Iron Man’s helmet as he shouts out “AVENGERS!” Before cutting to a darkened image of Tony Stark shouting “TIME TO EARN A LIVING!” before cutting to the cockpit and General Nux.)

Gen. Nux: How many are out there?!

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: According to the latest reading it is two shy of… CORRECTION! (Cut to Outer Space where The TARDIS and a Man on A Nuclear Missile comes rushing their way before cutting to the image of Peter Capaldi’s Doctor looking intensely into the screen before cutting to the Missile as we see who’s on top of it! Segata Sanshiro played by James Faraci.)

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot (Audio only): Final total ONE DEKA-QUADRILLION!

(Segata Sanshiro Speaking Mock Japanese but translated as “Star Wars! You Belong to Us!” before cutting to Tray and James Battling Blake before James destroys Blake’s Lightsaber with his Sonic Sunglasses and a rift appears breaking up the fight and James’ Time and Space Device comes as well as the Falcon)

Tray: I guess we can handle this without you now.

TLOTA: Good Luck! (James Runs to his Time and Space Device as Tray carries Tenn to the Falcon before cutting to footage of “The Day Of The Doctor” in which The 11^th Doctor shouts “GERONIMO!” The 10^th Doctor shouting “ALLONS-Y!” and The War Doctor saying “Ugh, For God’s Sake!” before cutting to see James’ Time and Space Device getting the hell out of Dodge as a gigantic explosion like experience happens! Before cutting to the outside of James’ Office building and James looking out into the stars and Eliza coming over to be next to James.)

Eliza Dushku: Hell of a night.

TLOTA: Yep.

Eliza Dushku: Wondering if the rebellion will win?

TLOTA: Yep.

Eliza Dushku: If I said “I want to rip the clothes off your back and Milk you like a cow for your birthday right in front of everyone in the office.” Would you like that?

TLOTA: Yep. (Eliza Dushku smacks James in the head.)

TLOTA: Sorry I wasn’t listening but after everything we went through, it kind of makes you think.

Eliza Dushku: Yeah, but what about?

TLOTA: Whatever it is you want to think about? (Cut to the two looking up as it fades to a shot of the Falcon flying on a distant planet before cutting to Tray as she walks up a hill in order to find Luke Skywalker and she pulls out the Lightsaber and holds it out for Luke to take it before circular wiping to Black)