Behind The Scenes & Bloopers: Jem & The Holograms

(Scene starts in The main lobby at James' office as everyone is prepping to shoot as James is looking on his Mini Tablet.)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): So James, what are you checking out?

James Faraci: I just saw something that made feel several mental synapsis just explode.

Eliza Dushku (Off-Camera): What is it?

James Faraci: It's one of your old Co-Stars from "Bring it on" doing a cover of "Turning Japanese" Kirsten Dunst I think is the one? (Eliza walks into the frame)

Eliza Dushku: Well she did say she was thinking about recording some music, this ought to be something wicked good. (Cut to a black background with the following in white text "Day one of filming was scrapped due to sever temporary mental loss!"  before cutting to James walking out of his ride as the instrumental to "Combine Harvester" by The Wurtzels play in the background.)

James Faraci (Audio only): So yesterday I ROYALLY FUCKED UP and because of that we lost an entire friggin' day of filming. So we're going to have to double up on everything. We're going to be filming the Pick Up Intro, Pick Up Outro, ALL of Traci's work as Synergy and ALL of the Pick Up Scenes. Tomorrow I'm shooting the bulk of the review leaving me NO time whatsoever for mistakes. Any bloopers that'll happen will probably happen naturally, so let's do it! (Cut to the outside of the Green Screen room where Olivia Horvath is setting up her Make-up Equipment.)

James Faraci (Audio only): So Olivia, we have everything set up, the Costume, Wig and Headband courtesy of Traci Hines and the make-up combination true to the animated series character of Synergy.

Olivia Horvath: Well it was hard but Renee and Traci helped me find the rest of the colors that I needed and I got the specialty contact lenses. But that of course will be AFTER you film the finale in which Traci demolishes the DVD, right?

James Faraci (Audio only): Actually I got two copies of the movie. One was completely unwatchable and the other one played fine but it was a pile of shit so both copies are going to get what I call The "Nostalgia Critic Neverending Story 3" ending combined with The Blockbuster Buster's "Dungeons & Dragons" ending.

Olivia Horvath: What does both of those endings entail?

James Faraci (Audio only): It involves destroying the movie. While The Nostalgia Critic went to town on The Neverending Story 3 and getting very disturbing, and in The Blockbuster Buster's "Dungeons & Dragons" review it involves the character of Nerdlinger... You know what in fact let me pull both of them up on my Mini Tablet so you know what I'm trying to say. (Cut to James piling up a pile of cinderblocks so it'd work perfectly with both James and Traci and John Santos films.)

John Santos (Audio only): So I'm filming James and Traci's mental breakdown in which she takes out her anger on these two discs with this mallet to look like a smaller version of Thor's Hammer courtesy of our resident prop master Nick Yaun in which it looks like James is about to demolish them when Traci grabs the thing and just demolishes it and Traci, you look like you have some trepidations towards the scene.

Traci Hines: Well, to tell the truth, I wasn't angry I didn't get into the movie or the video I did with my friends didn't get to be a part of it.

James Faraci (Audio only from a distance): Well, the way I wrote it is that you're upset as a fan of the show.

Traci Hines: Right (Camera pans over to James)

James Faraci: So this is A Cathartic Release of energy demolishing the damned thing.

Traci Hines (Audio only from a distance): Oh, I get it. This is me just destroying it in the name of the actual series. (Traci walks into frame)

Traci Hines: So when I scream "I'm raping the movie!" it's me that is the fan of the series just giving it the anger of it not being like the series I grew up watching.

James Faraci: Pretty much. (Cut to James holding the camera pointed onto the wall)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay everyone, Quiet please! And Action! (James laughs insanely as he nearly drops the camera as he pans down the sign.) We'll work that out in post. (Cut to the camera looking at James.)

John Santos (Audio only): So we're ready?

James Faraci: As ready as we'll ever be. AND Action. What the...?

Traci Hines (Audio only): SCUM SUCKING GARBAGE GOBLING WHORE!  (Traci begins to use the weapon when five slams in the head of the hammer is knocked off and James groans and says "Cut" before cutting to James getting strapped down)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): So I'm about to learn more about the romantic exploits between my sister and brother in law than I ever wanted to know. So Nick, you and my sister are about to be shown in possibly the most disturbing light ever. (Nick chuckles as he reads his lines to himself.)

Nick Yaun: Trust me James' fantasies about me and Rebecca are so far off base even I can't come up with a word to describe how his thoughts about what happens between me and Rebecca in the bedroom. (Cut to James getting strapped down and sitting down and everyone saying their lines and Eliza drops the key in her shirt and she gasps in shock and James shouts Cut! before cutting to James taking care of Eliza Dushku)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): So what the hell happened?

James Faraci: Well someone put the prop key into the freezer and I know I didn't do it because I let someone know when I'm gonna prank them 24 hours in advance so they can prepare for ANYTHING but this has another person's signature and usually if it's so on the fly it has to be either you, John or Mike because Paulo, Rebecca, Renee or Nick gives twelve hour notice Eliza or Traci would give us an hour's warning. (Cut to another take in which Eliza Dushku drops the key into her shirt and as she adjusts her shirt and says "Honk! Honk!" and everyone laughs uncontrollably before cutting to Traci as she screams and shouts before she starts laughing uncontrollably and James says Cut before cutting to Traci says her lines and accidentally smacking James in the face and everyone laughs behind the camera as James says cut before cutting to see Traci's smack having a bit of an effect.)

James Faraci: Minor Nose Bleed hadn't had one in a few years but it happens when you get smacked hard.

Traci Hines: I think I broke something on your nose. (Cut to James as he gets strapped down and film the review and everyone walks away as Nick says "Let's take a break after we tie him up" and everyone walks away leaving James tied up.)

James Faraci: Funny guys! Very funny! Hey I know I cost us a day's filming but this isn't the way to get back at me! Guys! Guys! GUYS! (James sighs) I brought this upon myself.

Jim vs "Jem"

(Scene starts with James working around the studio as he whistles “Combine Harvester” by The Wurtzels and as he takes a five-minute break he turns on the TV only to be surprised by the appearance of Synergy played by Traci Hines.)

TLOTA: What the…? Synergy?! (Cut to Synergy)

Synergy: That is correct James and I am in need of your assistance. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: What do you need me to do? (Cut to Synergy)

Synergy: I need you to review something for me. It should be on the coffee table in a package left from your party in mid-July of this year. (James opens the package and his face shows a look of total abject fear before cutting to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James heavily strapped down in different ways and James struggling to escape.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (James grunts and tries to get out of the chair) Yeah I’m in trouble. Possibly one of if not THE worst movie of 2015. HIT IT! (Music from the movie plays as it shows the Opening Credit to “Jem & The Holograms” before clips play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This movie has become a viable credibility for defense attorneys to allow rapists and murderers to get away with their crimes SCOTT-FREE! And in the deepest parts of Southeast Asia it has become the Number one method of torture for warlords, war profiteers and terrorists to force people to join them in their fight to destroy all of humanity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeah people, THAT BAD! And as far as I was concerned from last year I had NO plans on reviewing it, no plans of even thinking about reviewing it, HELL I KNEW THIS MOVIE WAS GONNA CRASH LIKE THE HINDENBERG! But for those who need a quick Crash course on the source material. GUYS! (Cut to Eric Kurtzke, John Ross Santos & Renee Miller in schoolroom as stock music from an old School Educational film reel plays in the background.)

John Santos: Created by Christy Marx who I’m certain is in no way any relative to the Marx Brothers, the classic series was originally meant to sell dolls.

Renee Miller: But Christy put effort into the story and characters. Mixing Action, adventure, comedy and drama with music the series lasted 65 Episodes spanning three seasons and repeats for several years. Making it beloved by both men and to women!

Eric Kurtzke: So it was so easy to make this movie properly. RIIIIGHT? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Well, seeing as how this IS one of the worst movies ever made Special precautions have been taken to prevent me from causing a fifty state manslaughter. Want to know? (Camera pans back to see Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Eliza Dushku behind James)

Paulo, Rebecca & Eliza (In Unison): We’ll tell you!

Paulo Fonseca: You may see that I have half a roll of Duct Tape the first half is around James’ wrists.

Rebecca Yaun: And I personally contributed…

Nick Yaun (Audio only): Honey, I can’t find the handcuffs or straps we used last night when I was a bad boy am I going to be one tonight if I can’t find them?

TLOTA (Audio only): Kinky!

Rebecca Yaun: What? I cleaned them before bringing them in for the review. MOVING ON!

Eliza Dushku: Oh… um Yeah this is the key to the weapons vault. (Eliza drops the key in her shirt.) And this is where James can’t get it. (Cut to James’ desk as Traci and Mike as they pop up at the top of the table.)

Traci Hines: And me and Mike spot welded the daylights out of James’ chair to the floor.

Mike Santos: I did most of the work, I had to beg for her help. What were you doing in the Green Screen Room?

Traci Hines: Trying out costumes for a Halloween Party I was planning on throwing on the 31^st of October.

TLOTA (Audio only): Where?

Traci Hines: Here? I sent a request form and I have a duplicate in case you haven’t seen it yet. (Cut to Traci’s Hand and the Blue Manicured fingernails on it as James sees the request.)

TLOTA: Oh yeah, I think I’ll check it after the review. But let’s not waste any more time this is “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is that there is A DECATON of clips from Internet videos submitted specifically FOR this movie by fans and…. WAIT A MINUTE! Rob Scallion?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: ORAC! Patch The Nostalgia Critic into the feed! (Static breaks before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic)

The Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, Stephen King’s “The Stand” for Nostalgia-Ween that is a possibility. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: CRITIC! (Cut to Nostalgia Critic who reacts with a Jump shriek)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh Hai James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Is Tamera around? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic as Tamera Chambers walks into frame)

Tamera: Present! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Did you know your boyfriend was in a video they used in “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic and Tamera)

Tamera: Well I found out when we were working on the review for it. We made him suffer when we reviewed “Alvin & The Chipmunks”

Nostalgia Critic: Uh excuse me I don’t mean to interrupt actually I do but James what’s up with the straps and chains, you reviewing “50 Shades Of Grey”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish! I’m reviewing “Jem & The Holograms”. (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: I’ll pray for you. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: We’re soon introduced to Jerrica Benson played by Aubrey Peeples as she and her sister Kimber played by Stefanie Scott have been placed under the care of their Aunt played by Molly Ringwald and her adoptive daughters because Jerrica and Kimber’s parents died from Plot Convenience No. 428: Never really explained, just they’re dead, that’s it and they cut to present day where the Aunt is in trouble financially and Jerrica who makes video blogs and disguises herself with a wig and makes videos with her own songs then deletes them because she thinks she sucks. (Cut to James and Traci)

Traci Hines: Well as someone who dresses up as characters for her music videos I can say she doesn’t look as bad.

TLOTA: And I’ve seen them. Wait a second, hold up Traci, what’s up with the blue wig and headband combo? You didn’t have that on before while you were welding the chair to the floor.

Traci Hines: Again, looking for a costume, hosting a Halloween party, October 31^st, you and everyone else can come.

TLOTA: Okay. I’m not gonna question it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): One video Jerrica made was left on Kimber’s camera when Kimber decides to post it onto Youtube. (Static breaks before cutting to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero screaming at James to stop before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: Rowdy? Writrzblok? Cartoon Hero? (Cut to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero)

Writrzblok: Listen to us!

Rowdy: You don’t want to review this!

Cartoon Hero: It is SOOOO BAD IT MAKES “JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS” Look like Shakespeare!

Rowdy: It made me want to watch Reality Television! THAT IS HOW BAD IT WAS! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Look, I’m getting through this come Hell, Damnation, High-water, All of The Above! (Cut to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero)

Writrzblok: You damned fool!

Rowdy: You poor damned fool!

Cartoon Hero: YOU PISS POOR GOD DAMNED FOOL! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: ORAC! (Cut to static before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So where was I? Oh yeah Kimber releasing the video on the video sharing site that slaughtered the previews and the actual movie! Well I wonder what could happen with that. Well, it becomes a viral hit and it reaches Starlight Production and its President Erica Raymond played by Juliette Lewis as she decides to sign the band on sight and sends them to Los Angeles. While in Los Angeles a little droid named Synergy awakens. (Cut to static for one second then Synergy played by Traci Hines appears.)

Synergy: THAT IS NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE! I AM A HOLOGRAPHIC PROGRAM BASED ON JERRICA’S DECEASED MOTHER THAT IS HOUSED IN A SUPERCOMPUTER THE SIZE OF AN CHURCH ORGAN! (Cut to the movie as Synergy does a voiceover)

Synergy (Voiceover): That thing looks like the bastard offspring of the “Earth to Echo” droid, “Wall-E” & BB-8 from “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”!  (Cut to Synergy physically)

Synergy: I cannot stand by if you were not going to mention how inaccurate this movie is in comparison to the Show it was based on. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I was going to mention it but now that you did I have no reason to… So…Can I just get you to do this review or are you going to allow me the courtesy of letting me do my job?  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah, this is supposedly Synergy who sends the girls on a scavenger hunt for three missing pieces of it. The first piece is at the Santa Monica Pier and guess who finds them. (Singing) His name is Rio and he doesn’t look like his animated counterpart and oh yeah in this Tijuana toilet he’s Erica’s son! (Speaking): Before nearly getting busted by the Cops they run the hell into the middle of the Californian Beach lines and start singing for no apparent reason. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And guess what, I need a break for one reason it’s called having to use the toilet like a racehorse! CAN ANY OF YOU GET ME OUT MY BONDAGE? (Traci walks in and James notices her Purple contact lenses.)

Traci Hines: I’ll let you out to use the toilet and I’ll keep you out of this stuff if you promise not to go on a killing spree!

TLOTA: You got it, Uh Traci, What’s up with the funky Alien Purple Contacts?

Traci Hines: What are you talking about? (James points towards the Mirror and Traci sees she still has those contacts in her eyes.) Eh Whoops! I’ve got to be more careful with what I do.

TLOTA: Something isn’t kosher here.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Jem and The Holograms get through two of their three gigs booked by Starlight and finds the second piece of Synergy, Jerrica’s Aunt tells her the bad news that the house is going up for the auction in a few days. With no other choice Jerrica begs for an advance. The Caveat, Jerrica has to sign a solo contract. The others take it well. (Show clip of the girls shouting at one another before cutting to James struggling to plug his ears.)

TLOTA: The only downfall of being strapped down for my own protection! I really wish I could plug my ears and groan so I could friggin’ drown out the noise from this garbage! (Static breaks before cutting to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: GET OUT! GET OUT THERE’S STILL TIME! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: The Blockbuster Buster?! (Cut to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: You don’t have to review this! You can still walk away! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry E-Rod, but I must review it, Synergy asked me to do so! (Cut to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: Okay, first off if Synergy asked you, I think you might be crazy. Secondly seeing as how you’re just hell bent on reviewing this I’ll pray for you! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Jerrica does her first Solo gig, listen maybe it’s my taste or maybe I can barely stand pop music now but since I’m strapped down I can’t avoid how horrible this music is! (Jem’s solo gig plays before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Shut Up! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again)

TLOTA: SHUT UP! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again)

TLOTA: SHUT THE HELL UP! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again as he screams in agony and Traci comes brandishing Chudnofsky’s double barreled handgun.)

Traci Hines: WHAT PART OF SHUT THE HELL UP DON’T YOU MORONS FREAKING UNDER…. (Traci load the gun with the 300 round magazine into the gun) STAND! (Traci’s scream is heard as it cuts to a still of Jem as her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Erica with her eyes animatedly bugging out of her head before her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Jerrica’s aunt with her eyes animatedly bugging out of her head before her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Starlight Productions being blown to smithereens before cutting to James looking disturbed at Traci as Traci is foaming at the mouth trying to calm down.)

TLOTA: GUYS! COULD YOU UNTIE ME AND TIE HER DOWN?! And they were worried I might go nuts. (Static breaks before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Know this is a professional courtesy, personally If I were the only guy who could save your life from being thrown into an active Volcano, I’d be tossing you a bolder and wishing you happy landings! Having said that, Stop while you still humanly can. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Okay, look Nostalgia Kid, You’re still pissed off about that whole “Fishtales” thing but there was a reason I sent you a copy to see if you could do better than I did. I mean your review of Dumb & Dumberer dwarfed mine by lightyears! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Really? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: YES! REALLY! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Wow, Now I really do care. So having said that, you don’t have to review this, it is a level of torture The Geneva Convention look at and say is inhumane! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I must, for all that is good, I must! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: NO! YOU’LL NEVER SURVIVE “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY”! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: “Fifty Shades Of Grey”?!... Fifty Shades Of…. I’m not reviewing “Fifty Shades Of Grey”! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Whew, that is a relief I’ll tell you now. Well why are you strapped down like that, what are you reviewing? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Jem & The Holograms! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid screaming like a girl and running away and the sound of glass shattering is heard before cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks for that! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that bit of torture that would be considered inhumane in Guantanamo Bay everyone in the band makes amends outside of Jerrica’s old family home she had with her sister and parents and decide to finish the search for Synergy’s missing part which just so happens to be back at Starlight in the form of a pair of earrings Jerrica had which is now in Erica’s safe. After some quick dips and dodges Jerrica gets the earrings and something else. But after getting Synergy finalized we get…. UGH, The same message from beyond the grave from either a father or father figure towards their child/apprentice. (Cut to a hologram of Jerrica’s dad giving her a message before cutting to Howard Stark’s message to Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, Splinter talking to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Obi-Wan talking to Luke on Dagobah in “Return Of The Jedi” before cutting back to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that Jerrica shows Rio the other McGuffin which gives him Starlight and ships Erica out the door. The band comes back and the movie ends with Erica meeting up with The Misfits. (Cut to an image of the real MISFITS rock band logo and James saying “OH GOD I WISH”) No I’m talking about the rivals to Jem and The Holograms and their leader played by Kesha and… (The Movie ends then cut to James physically)

TLOTA: That’s how it ends…on a Cliffhanger. WHY? (Cut to a still image of Kesha as the leader of The Misfits as "The Price Is Right" losing horn plays and a Rubber Stamp slams "Sequel Bait" on the still image before cutting to James physically) They actually thought there was going to be a sequel! (James chuckles insanely and mutters “They Thought there was going to be a sequel” every now and then as he breaks his bonds save for the handcuffs in which he takes them off with a key, walks into the backroom with the copy of “Jem & The Holograms” in his hands.)

Eliza Dushku: Should we…? (Everyone else nods no)

Eric Kurtzke: He’ll be fine after he eviscerates it! (Cut to James continuing to chuckle insanely as he places the Jem & The Holograms DVD on a set of cinderblocks as James goes to a wall full of crowbars & pry bars until he reaches a sign that reads “Do not use unless you really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really mean it!” before looking into an empty case with an outline of a mallet.)

TLOTA: What the….?

Traci Hines (Audio only): SCUM SUCKING GARBAGE GOBLING WHORE! (James turns to see Traci Hines going bonkers for banana balls screaming, cursing and swearing and hitting and obliterating the Jem & The Holograms DVD even using Atomic Breath on it and taking the semi obliterated DVD on the ground and screaming “I’M RAPING THE BAD MOVIE!” before cutting to James looking shocked as she screams “I’M RAPING THE BAD MOVIE!” again then cuts back to Traci just going to town until she becomes exhausted as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. James cautiously walks up to Traci.)

TLOTA: Is there anything left for me to obliterate. Wait a minute. (James puts his right hand on the back of Traci’s neck and a mix of Colors comes onto James hand)

TLOTA: Paint?! Traci what’s going on here? (Traci takes a half a step as he grabs Traci by the back of the neck and James pulls out a mini-tablet.) ORAC! Holographic image of Traci Hines please. (A holographic image of Traci Hines appears in a bare area in the backroom)

TLOTA (Audio only): Okay now ORAC, what would you call the mix of colors on my right hand and the back of the Traci’s Neck? (Cut to James holding Traci by the neck)

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): Actually if you’d let me… (Cut to Olivia Horvath physically)

Olivia Horvath: I’d be willing to help seeing as how she took make-up from my work station! (Cut to James holding Traci.)

TLOTA: One moment if you’d please. ORAC ready voice recognition and Ready physical recognition of new user Olivia Horvath.

ORAC (Audio only): Scanning (A electrical light beam go up and down Olivia’s body) Physical Recognition: Complete. Ready vocal recognition.

Olivia Horvath: Olivia Horvath!

ORAC (Audio only): Scanning (different vocal frequencies before matching Olivia’s exactly) Vocal Recognition complete.

Olivia Horvath: Excellent (Cut to James)

TLOTA: And let’s see, ORAC could you let Olivia use the Holographic painter program? (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath: Absolutely!  (Holographic painter program activates) Okay let’s start with the blues, greens and purples in the wheel) (All the Blues, Greens & Purples appear.) Thank you ORAC! (Olivia mixes the colors to paint the Holographic image of Traci skin wise with the combo of colors to match that of Synergy.)

Olivia Horvath: How about that?

TLOTA (Audio only): Thank you Olivia. Okay Now, ORAC Ready the Alien Contacts over her eyes. (The Holographic image of Traci is painted skin wise with the combo of colors and her eyes are covered by the Contacts.) Thank you, now you said to Mike you were trying on Costumes, ORAC stop when you come up with the clothing from Synergy and the hair color to match Synergy’s as well. (The Holographic image of Traci is painted skin wise with the combo of colors, her eyes are covered by the Contacts and the Hair and Costume matches that of Synergy before cutting to James looking at Traci.)

TLOTA: Seriously? Or should I say “Synergy”? Really? Why? (Traci gets James off of her.)

Traci Hines: Okay, last year you said you knew the movie was gonna bomb and if certain people or certain people didn’t crossover to review it, you weren’t going to.

TLOTA: Well why not ask me? I’m not unreasonable. I’d be glad to do something, within reason of course.

Traci Hines: I know that but I felt you needed to review it.

TLOTA: Why? What else can I say that everyone else has said!

(Cut to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This turkey was Dead on Arrival. Nothing will ever compare to how bad this is and I’ve seen some really bad movies that’ll never be erased from the deepest recesses of my memories. But what little good that I can say is that the casting of certain actors in this movie and I’ve got nothing bad to say about the teenagers playing the characters of Jerrica, Kimber and the rest of the Holograms or to Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis but as far as I’m concerned everything that has been said about how bad this movie is HAS been said, I’ve got nothing to add to it so let’s do the only sensible thing left and to say yeah, this movie sucks, let it die and rot in hell! (Cut to James, Olivia and Traci in the backroom)

TLOTA: There, are you satisfied?

Traci Hines: Yeah, I am. Thank you.

TLOTA: You’re Welcome! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a staff meeting in case Traci here wasn’t the only person involved. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion! Would you like to be a part of this because…?

Olivia Horvath: Yeah, she took my make-up. (Cut to James and Olivia looking at everyone else before cutting to everyone else as an hour has passed)

Paulo Fonseca: You do know, Me, my sister, my Brother in Law, Eric, John, Mike, Renee & Eliza had nothing to do with what Traci did. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I understand that. But this is a symptom to what is truly wrong here. (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA (Audio only): I’m not an asshole who won’t listen to your ideas and go for them. I might help your ideas if they were sensible and for the love of peat moss if you suggest something write it down, shoot it to me through my E-Mail or say it to my face and I WILL listen. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I need to lead but I also have to be your friends in order for us to work together and if you need to walk away for a brief period I WILL UNDERSTAND! (Cut to everyone else)

Eliza Dushku: And we know you will, it’s just that you have a big personality and you can be loud and hard in certain areas. (Everyone turn their heads towards Eliza) What did I say wrong? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Nothing, but I do get the point. I’m not like my father. I’m better I will listen. (The audio of static from a TV is heard.)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Audio only): Well after last year it’s a miracle that you listen at all!

Olivia Horvath: Who said that?

TLOTA: If it’s who I think it is… (James turns to see on his TV The Maven Of The Eventide.)

TLOTA (Audio only): DAMN IT MAVEN…. (Cut to everyone looking at the TV)

TLOTA: I thought we were Square! (Cut to the TV)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Oh we are, it’s just that I have one more request for you to do. For old times’ sake and it just so involves one of your members of your team contacting the other three she knows involved in it. (Cut to everyone in team TLOTA before the camera pans over to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: Really?! Who would I know? Oh them. I’ll see if I can contact them.

A whole lot of "Pussycats"

(Scene starts with James opening the inside front door to his Office building as he quietly sings to himself the lyrics to the “Red Dwarf” end credits and holding in his right hand a copy of “Josie & The Pussycats” as he heads to his Office quarter’s door James quietly singing the lines “Goldfish Shoals nibbling on my…” Slowly looks around in the corner of his eyes as he sings “Toes” then proceeds to turn around slowly to jump as the camera cuts to Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines smiling creepily at James before cutting to James at the door.)

TLOTA: Hi there. Have you two been helped? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Hello James.

Traci Hines: Do you know…? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yes I do, Eliza Dushku from movies like “True Lies”, “The New Guy” & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and TV shows like “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, “Angel” “Tru Calling” & “Dollhouse” and you’ve done voice work in “Batman: Year One” & “HULK & The Agents of S.M.A.S.H.” and your cohort is Traci Hines best known as Helvetica The Hipster Mermaid from the web series “Life Lessons From A Hipster Mermaid”. The two of you are awesome! (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Well you know who we are, Impressive, Most Impressive. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks, I guess. (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines: I see that you have “Josie & The Pussycats” (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Why yes, yes I do. In order to show people why remaking Kids cartoons from the past might not be a great idea. Like with what they’re going to do with “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines: Did you know I… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Auditioned for the movie that hasn’t seen that big an Internet Backlash since the advent of The Internet? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines: You are on the ball. I hope the review goes well for you.

Eliza Dushku: Knock ‘em dead (Eliza comes up to James’ ear to whisper in his ear “Tiger” and James gets a cold shiver down his back before Eliza backs away to see James feel uncomfortable.)

TLOTA: Well, thanks I … (Cut to see Eliza & Traci having disappeared before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: Huh that was… (Eliza & Traci appears out of nowhere and James jump screams before cutting to James as Eliza & Traci is seen from her back.)

TLOTA: YOWZA! Would you two please kindly go elsewhere? (Eliza & Traci walk away before James walks into his office quarter)

TLOTA: What is going on around here? DWAH! (Cut to see Eliza & Traci at James’ Office chair before cutting to James at the door.)

TLOTA: COULD YOU TWO LET ME TO DO MY WORK IN PEACE AND SANITY PLEASE…? EWOW! (James turns around to see Eliza & Traci behind him.)

TLOTA: PLEASE TURN AROUND AND TAKE A HIKE! (Cut to see Eliza and Traci next to James)

TLOTA: EYAH! WILL YOU TWO PLEASE FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO GO? (Eliza and Traci walk away arousing James before he sighs.)

TLOTA: Well let’s see what if this movie is worth it.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well… this is happening. (Cut to clips of the preview for “Jem & The Holograms” and the classic 1980’s animated series while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY younger, I occasionally saw an episode of “JEM” and when I heard that Hollywood is making a live action version of this cartoon my reaction was “eh” at best that is until I saw the trailers and I just said to myself “No! Just….Just NO!” and to answer why that was my reaction is because they obviously missed the mark by galaxies. Because from what little of the series I saw, there was action, adventure, comedy, women with questionable theatrical makeup designs outside of KISS who look friggin bad ass in their gear and just enough energy to make people enjoy its harmless fun and if the trailer is any indication of what this film is gonna be, let’s say if you see either The Nostalgia Critic or The Blockbuster Buster tagging up with Nash from “Radio Dead Air” to take this turkey on, you’ll know why I’m not reviewing it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But I will give the movie this, it didn’t have a “Post “She’s All That”” Rachel Leigh Cook, a “Pre-“Sharknado”” Tara Reid and a “Pre-“Netflix & Marvel Daredevil” series” Rosario Dawson. (Cut to Opening credit of “Josie & The Pussycats” while “Three Small Words” plays in the background then cutting to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As if this movie isn’t dripping in dated cheese & ham, “Josie & The Pussycats” based on the Archie Comics series and Hanna-Barbera Saturday Morning Series was the first movie from this millennium that I legitimately HATED! It has the subtlety of Nicolas Cage, Pauly Shore & Shia LaBeouf playing “The Three Stooges” and possibly has more Product Placement than “Superman: Man Of Steel”, “Garfield The Movie”, “Foodfight” & “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights” combined! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I know that sounds physically impossible but trust me this is what happened when my team & I tried to watch it and gauge it with a Subtlety meter. (Cut to everyone using fire extinguishers and anything to smother out the fire and John rushes in with a bucket of water)

TLOTA: STOP! John, Water on an Electric fire? What are you NUTS?! (Cut to James in his office quarters)

TLOTA: And that was after one second of screen time. How will the rest of the movie go? Let’s find out, this is “Josie & The Pussycats”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the movie opens we’re introduced to DuJour played by Breckin Meyer, Seth Green, Donald Faison & Peter Facinelli and they greet their fans with a song before heading out on a world tour which for me well... (“Backdoor Lover” plays before cutting to James look uncomfortable as any guy would and says “No Comment” before a Static break comes in and The Blockbuster Buster comes in on the other side of the static feed)

Blockbuster Buster: HEY! BRAINIAC! Don’t you dare think that about my Jam! James Faraci! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Look E-Rod, I get that fact you like that song but I think you may have missed the hidden innuendo. (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: What hidden innuendo? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: “Backdoor Lover”? Seriously? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: It means they’re after some serious ass! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Which one male or female? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: Never mind! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): On a plane ride they talk to their Record label Exec Wyatt played by Alan Cumming when they discover something hidden in their music. So what’s Wyatt to do? Tell the Pilot to set the plane to crash and leave DuJour on board! Because clearly that wouldn’t make anyone suspicious and oh by the by in a post 9/11 world, a plane crash killing people NOT FUNNY! As Wyatt lands in Riverdale we meet our heroines Josie McCoy played by Rachel Leigh Cook, Valerie Brown played by Rosario Dawson & Melody Valentine regrettably played by Tara Reid as they perform a gig in….A Bowling Alley where Josie’s romantic interest Alan M played by Gabriel Mann is the only one who payed interest in the gig at all. Okay, I get the fact that they’re hard up in the good luck department but seriously who’s booking their gigs? Apparently fraternal twin pains in my kiester Alexander Cabot III played by Paulo Costanzo who I’m certain is grateful every day to be in the Hamptons on “Royal Pains” and his twin sister…. Alexandra Cabot played by Missi Pyle. (Cut to James with a pad of paper and a pen physically)

TLOTA: Note to self: call “Archie Comics” and/or Dick Wolf to see if there is a frivolous Lawsuit over the name of the Character “Alexandra Cabot”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Wyatt gets a call from his boss Fiona played by Parker Posey to find a new band and who does Wyatt find? Our heroines of course and agrees to sign them on the spot and after a confab that lasts all of one minute and NO PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION and yes I do not consider the Dum-Dum Twins proper legal representation and our Heroines sign right on that Dotted line. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, WHY?! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Look I get when you’re young you make a whole boatload of questionable decisions that come back to bite you in the tuchus that’s part of growing up but seriously, if I were in their shoes, I’d maybe say….get a lawyer or AGAIN PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION to protect yourself but no they sign on to the record label and everyone is flown to New York City or as I call it The Toity County where they’re given a makeover and branded “Josie & The Pussycats” after that our heroines go to the studio to record their first album and to give the movie a small amount of credit they do make the music kind of catchy but listen to this song. (Show clip of “Pretend To Be Nice” intercut with James sitting there with an inquisitive look on his face. Just as the “Pretend To Be Nice” clip ends we cut to James sitting there with the same inquisitive look on his face of two seconds before he snaps out of it.)

TLOTA: Sorry guys it’s just that the composition of the song reminds me of another band’s. Just wish I could figure out who’s is it. (Cut to James’ office door opening when “Green Day” members Billie Joe Armstrong played by Paulo Fonseca, Mike Dirnt played by Eric Kurtzke & Mike Santos as Tre’ Cool coming in repeating the phrase “Hup, Hup” several times as they go through fast speed to set up their music equipment in thirty seconds before looking at James)

“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): At your service night & day! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Who are you? (Cut to Green Day)

“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): We’re Green Day! EXCELSIOR! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: OhhhhhhhKay! What’s going on around here? (Cut to Green Day)

“Billie Joe”: We’ve been hearing about this movie for a while and you’ve been wondering why the song “Pretend To Be Nice” sounds so familiar to you.

“Mike Dirnt”: So we’ve decided to help clear up your quandary.

(“Tre’ Cool” honks a bike horn and whistles a bird’s tweeting with subtitles: “We’re gonna play “Minority” instrumentally” then cuts to see James look at the subtitles)

TLOTA: What’s up with your Drummer using a bike horn and whistling like Harpo Marx? (Cut to Green Day)

“Mike Dirnt”: The guy’s been a wreck since his last divorce. (Cut to James going “Oh!” before cutting back to “Green Day”)

“Billie Joe Armstrong”: Okay guys let’s do it! (The trio play the Instrumental to the song “Minority” then cut to James)

TLOTA: Well they do sound kind of familiar. (A female voice off screen played by Eliza Dushku screams “Kind Of Familiar?!” before the door opens up to see “Josie & The Pussycats” with Josie played by Eliza Dushku, Valerie played by Renee Miller & Melody played by Traci Hines in a blonde wig come barging in)

“Josie”: We are SO original as opposed to those old fart Marx Brothers/Three Stooges Pop Punk Wannabe hacks! (Cut to “Green Day”)

“Billie Joe”: We’ve been making music while you were in diapers. We’ve got Legal Recourse, Our lawyer will take everything you’ve got! We’ll see you in Prison!

“Mike Dirnt”: We’ll see you in HELL! (“Tre’ Cool” uses a Bike Horn to Honk the “Shave and a Haircut” and catcall whistles “Six bits” with the subtitles saying “We’ll see you on the Pole at the Boom Boom Room” and “Josie & The Pussycats” look down to see the subtitles then cut to see James read the subtitles”)

TLOTA: You ladies save your breath. Tre’ you’re a sick sick man, I don’t care if your wife left you half a billion in the hole, I give these ladies the right to castrate you with a spoon! (Cut to “Josie & The Pussycats”)

“Josie”: Enough talk, let’s show what Pussycat Power is all about! (Cut to “Green Day” and Tre’ Cool whistling “Reveille” and using the bike horn to sound “Call to Post” as both teams collide and then the scene cuts to James looking and giving facial expressions of fear, shock & surprise then ducks as “Billie Joe”’s guitar is flung towards James as grunts and cat hollers are heard)

TLOTA: Oh look at that! It’s time for a break!

“Billie Joe Armstrong” (Audio only): MY CABBAGES!

TLOTA: That had to hurt!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is that you know something is more sinister going on in the background since you know Wyatt killed a boyband, well if he’s capable of doing that, you know Fiona can do something worse although it is hard to see throughout all the product placement, especially when it comes to her plan to you guessed it take over the world. (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting to the clip of Fiona telling her diabolical scheme to put subliminal messages into songs before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Subliminal messages hidden in the music in order to boost the economy and Our Government is in support of it. Did this come out before or after our current President became President? (A bloodied internal organ lands next to James) Huh, I forgot the ceiling. (Turns to the right.) Hey guys I think I found someone’s liver. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And apparently it works as their detractors are now their biggest fans and…(Cut to the detractors turned fans being shot with a wide angle fish eye lens close up before cutting to James shouting “badaboomba!” then back to the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I know that we haven’t seen the wide angle close up for a while but if there’s a petition to ban that type of shot from ever being used again, I’m signing it and I suggest you do too! Anyway Valerie is starting to suggest something isn’t Kosher at the label. Which forces Fiona to well… I can’t believe I’m saying this… Hire Carson Daily & Aries Spears to kill Valerie and Melody on a fake TRL set! (Cut to James mouthing “Excuse Me For One Moment”, getting up and walking into the office’s bathroom and screams a blood curdling scream and walking back to his office quarters oblivious to the fact Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines are behind him before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after nearly getting killed by Carson Daily & Aries Spears, Good Fricking night that thought is never gonna leave me, Valerie & Melody try to inform Josie but it appears Josie has fallen under the hypnotism of the Subliminal Messages and tells Valerie to take a hike and Melody to be taken advantage of by a Sharknado (Rim shot). But eventually Josie discovers the hidden messages and after remembering that she told her friends to beat it Josie asks… (Cut to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)

TLOTA: How did Eugene Levy who pointlessly has a cameo in this movie put it when he was co-starring in “Splash”? (Cut to Clip of Eugene Levy from “Splash” saying “The Moron Twins” before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s the phrase! Josie asks those two to help who turns out to be as helpful in getting evidence as well as some execs on set saying to the director to cut back on the product placement. (Cut to a group of execs and a director played by James)

Exec 1 (Played by John Santos): I have to ask if all these Product Placement are necessary. (Cut to an “Lindsay Nagle” exec played by Rebecca Fonseca popping in from nowhere to block James from talking)

“L.N.” Exec: It’s necessary it will help with cross promotion with the movie we can maximize profit from the products placed in this movie and make enough to cover our losses because we will do minimal promotion which should be minimal because of cross promotion. (Cut to the group of Execs)

Exec 2 (Played by Renee Miller): Didn’t we fire you? (Cut to “L.N.” exec)

“L.N.” Exec: This is my last job here my next job will be with Disney and its latest acquirement “Power Rangers” with my memos “Power Rangers” will be so amazing! (Cut to the Group of Execs)

Exec 3 (Played by Eric Neil Kurtzke): I need a drink.

“Group of Execs” (In Unison): I second that ( The Group of execs exit as the “L.N.” exec continues to talk to the execs who just left as we cut to James’ Director character wakes up and says “What just happened” before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)

TLOTA: But wait you say to yourself “What about Alan M.? Can’t he help?” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well he would be helpful if A) Wyatt didn’t lie to Josie about a club gig Alan M. had and B) Alan M. wasn’t licking his wounds from not seeing Josie come to his gig at the club. So having no choice Josie has to do Fiona’s dirty work or watch as Valerie & Melody be obliterated by going head first in a car I don’t think would be used by Vin Diesel in a “Fast & Furious” movie into a Brick wall at 88 MPH when from out of nowhere… (Show clip of DuJour heavily encased in casts and beaten before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him slowly backing out of frame and James stammering, taking off his glasses, moving his chair out of the way to bang his head on the wall behind him five times before coming back and screaming “HOW?!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): SERIOUSLY HOW DID THEY SURVIVE?! Okay it is explained that they were able to survive the crash only to land outside of a Metallica concert in which they were beaten mercilessly by their fans which is something I would do myself if that ever happened. But apparently one of them knew the lines to “Enter Sandman” which gave that one a less brutal beating. But thankfully their attempts to fight Fiona and Wyatt are less than successful. But thankfully our heroines are a little more successful as they beat Fiona and Wyatt as the two confess their love for each other for some reason and reveal that everything about themselves are fake for some reason. Oh and to save face our government’s Federal Agents decide to arrest Fiona & Wyatt for their underhanded misdoings. (The fast paced subliminal message about the movie passes by as the scene cuts to James chuckling with Eliza & Traci behind him)

TLOTA: What’s the phrase I’m looking for, I know it, and it’s on the tip of my tongue… It’s…It’s… (Cut to Clip of “Superman Returns” in which Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey shouting “WRONG” before cutting to Traci & Eliza getting scared off and James sitting there.)

TLOTA: That’s the word I was looking for.

TLOTA (Angry as all get out): WRONG! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD’VE PUT OUT THERE AS YOUR MESSAGE! (Cut to the still as James does a voiceover and plasters his message on the still shot)

TLOTA (Voiceover): “If you’ve made it this far, the money and time you wasted watching this movie are long gone! As of this moment you will not be refunded for a single loss. You’re stuck here until the end credits! You are officially screwed!” (Cut to the end of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But wait it doesn’t end there, why? Because there a concert for Josie and The Pussycats instead of facing federal prison time in The Sullivan Correctional Facility in Fallsburg New York and Yes there is a moral that Josie tries to force feed into the audience that there is no way in HELL it’s gonna make any kind of impact at all! In fact I’m certain that the producers didn’t have a place for it in the entire runtime until the end because they knew that people wouldn’t make the effort to go and see this and as they play guess who makes it to their concert even though Josie made NO EFFORT TO COME TO HIS GIG AT THE CLUB! (Cut to Alan M. making it onto the stage and Josie and Alan M. profess their love for one another and the concert goes off with everyone enjoying themselves)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right Alan M. screw the fact she didn’t come to your show, screw the fact she left you feeling sorry for yourself because you had to deal with the female who shared a name with a prosecutor who worked for the 16^th Precinct’s Special Victims Unit in Manhattan, New York that could’ve easily filed a restraining order on the woman who wants to jump your bones because she wants to make Josie feel as miserable as possible, screw the anger you SHOULD be feeling right now. You made it to your girl’s concert and now everything is hunky-dory! (Chuckles for two seconds before he gets indignant on Alan M.) YOU ARE AN IDIOT FOR NOT SPEWING ANGER FOR WHAT THAT PUSSYCAT DID TO YOU. WHICH IF YOU WANT I’LL SHOW YOU THROUGH THIS CLIP FROM “FULL HOUSE” (Cut to a clip of Danny Tanner from “Full House” saying “She ripped your heart out, threw it onto the ground and did the Mexican Hat dance on it!” and acting it out as he says it before cutting to the end of the concert and the movie then cutting to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind him)

TLOTA: So that was “Josie & The Pussycats”….DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE SUCKED! (Cut to clips of the movie while “Three Small Words” play in the background.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): All I can say at this point is YOWZA! How could something this horrible be produced?! The plot could’ve give the live action “Scooby Doo” movies a run for its money and with the exception of Parker Posey & Rosario Dawson the acting was SO incredibly bad you question whether or not Shia LaBeouf was the acting coach for the actors and need I say again how aggravating the overabundance of the shameless product placement can be especially since you’re supposed to know that in the grand scheme of things you should be aware of. But maybe that was the point of the product placement. Maybe there was something deeper about it than I realized. But again when you’re wading through so much Cheese & Ham it’s kind of hard to think. So maybe it deserves a second chance. But that’s for you to decide. Give it a watch at your own risk. (Cut to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind him)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got two women who’ve been behind me ever since I came back from screaming my head off in my office bathroom to deal with. (Eliza and Traci look at one another.)

Eliza & Traci (In Unison): HOW DID HE KNOW?

TLOTA: These lenses aren’t just for seeing what’s in front of me! (James jumps up from the table)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Alright you two looney ladies, I don’t know what your end game is but I swear I will stop you before then. (Cut to Eliza and Traci Rising up in front of him)

Eliza Dushku: So what are you planning on doing? Ask us about how a doll got burned over and over again?

Traci Hines: Threaten to kill us because we don’t put the bunny back in the box?

Eliza Dushku: Sell your soul to The Devil to become his bounty hunter and send us to hell all the while screaming and laughing like a madman?

Traci Hines: Threaten to take our faces….off? (Her right hand does the motion of placing it over her face then pulling it off when she says “faces…off?”)

Eliza Dushku: Go around town screaming “I’m A Vampire” over and over again?

Traci Hines: Scream like a howler monkey while humping a bed?

Eliza Dushku: Sing a silly song while trying to seduce us while you’re drunk as a skunk?

Traci Hines: Rob a bunch of convenience stores and then marry the officer taking your mugshots?

Eliza Dushku: Punch one of us while dressed in a bear suit?

Traci Hines: Sing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of Coconuts” while being dragged away security? (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): No, I’m not that level of Nicolas Cage crazy…yet. I’m just gonna ask questions and you’re gonna give me vague answers until I get to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Oh well then ask your questions. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): What’s going on around here?! (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Traci Hines: They would know. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Who are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku: They are them. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Them are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza & Traci (In Unison): They would know. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): They know all? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Traci Hines: You can’t understand that not understanding is part of understanding everything…

Eliza Dushku: And in the moment you understand nothing is when you understand everything. Do you understand what we’re saying? (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Your vague answers are taking me to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Well I think we’ve done our job for this month.

Traci Hines: See you in Next Month. (Eliza and Traci walk around James and the two leave as James sighs and sits back down)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and….Next Month? (James runs out of his office quarters and over to the Calendar in the main lobby to see that the next month is October. James takes a deep breath and then the scene cuts to Eliza and slightly to her right at least five steps is Traci as they hear the loudest muted “NO!” they ever heard.)

A Voice (Off-screen played by Elisa Hansen-Schuler): Is he ready?

Eliza Dushku: By this time next month, he’s all yours.

Traci Hines: So what do you have planned for him? (Camera Pans slightly to the right as we see the Maven Of The Eventide under an Umbrella with Paw holding it and Baby Grey.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Don’t worry, he is finally going to pay for his sins! (Everyone smiles an evil smile)