James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Monday, May 16, 2016

The Family Friendly Movie Revival!

Sunday, May 8, 2016

This Review is "Happening" Hot Stuff!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James sitting in his chair laughing outrageously before James takes a deep calm breath!)

TLOTA: I’m (James continues to laugh uncontrollably before Nick Yaun picks him up by his shirt’s collar)

Nick Yaun: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! IT’S A SHAYMALAN MOVIE!

TLOTA (laughing while talking): I’m trying for crying out loud! (Nick Yaun shakes James around.)

Nick Yaun: YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN! IT’S NOT WORTH ACTING LIKE THIS! (Paulo walks into frame behind Nick)

Paulo Fonseca: Nick, Let me at it! (Paulo starts shaking James even harder) CALM DOWN JAMES! FOCUS ON HOW BAD THIS MOVIE IS! YOU HAVE TO CALM (Paulo smacks James upside his face) DOWN! (Rebecca Yaun walks into frame and talks to Paulo)

Rebecca Yaun: Hey Paulo, your fiancée is on the Phone!

Paulo Fonseca: Thanks. (Paulo walks away and Rebecca shakes James even harder than Paulo)

Rebecca Yaun (Shaking James while smacking him around): CALM DOWN JAMES! CALM! (Rebecca Smacks James) DOWN! (Rebecca Smacks James) PLEASE! (Sounds of Rebecca Yaun yelling at James to calm down and James continues to laugh as the camera pans down the line to see John Ross Santos with a Double Boiler pan, Mike Santos with a pipe, Eric Neil Kurtzke with a set of Brass Knuckles, Renee Miller with a 2x4, Rowdy with a Baseball bat, The Nostalgia Critic with his handgun, The Blockbuster Buster with “Lucille”, Linkara with his Magic gun, Jeff Jarrett with his guitar, Eliza Dushku brandishing a pair of Boxing Gloves, Traci Hines with a set of Shark Jaws taped to a club, then The Angry Video Game Nerd with an empty beer bottle and shattering the bottom of the bottle on the side of the wall then Film Brain with a noose before the scene changes to the Opening credit scene of “The Happening” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHAT WAS HE THINKING? No! No! No! What was he SMOKING! This movie is just a WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SEE MOMENT?! And by the end you’ll be either in a pool of your own effluence from laughing OR scratching your head wondering if your still sane. It’s been reviewed to death but it’s one of those movies that bear repeat reviews. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So let’s dive in head first and cook this turkey stuffed with hot dogs, tiramisu, cheese & crackers and slathered in honey, cough syrup & Lemon Drink this is M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins in central park as two people on a bench reading the same book notice people doing an improv act as one of the two people realize this thing is going on their IMDB and commits to stabbing herself! We soon see extras who were told they were going to be paid very well because they were going to be in a Shaymalan movie at a construction site as they fall to their doom before we cut to a Pennsylvanian Science teacher named Elliot played by Mark “I’m kicking my manager’s ass for this” Wahlberg as they discuss a recent event. A loss of honeybees! (Show clip of Elliot talking to his students about the Honeybees and no one has an answer before cutting to James)

TLOTA: I actually heard about this by a Doctor (Cut to the clip about the disappearance of Honeybees in “Doctor Who: The Stolen Earth” in which they talk about the disappearance of the Honeybees actually being tiny aliens having disappeared before cutting to the movie as the smart Alek in the class says “An act of nature that we will never truly understand.” And Elliot replies with something meant to be intellectually meaningful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: What is this Science Theology 101? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well the word of what happened in New York City reaches the school Elliot and his friend Julian played by John Leguizamo and at the behest of the Principal played by Alan Ruck the students are let go and Julian decides to grab his daughter and meet his wife further down on the train line and Elliot is going to pick up his wife Alma played by Zooey Deschanel who I swear to GOD has set her voice to overly girly cutesy and trained herself to never friggin close her eyes! (Cut to Alma speaking in several scenes before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: If you’ve ever wondered why I’ve never watched but heard of “New Girl” well now you know why I’d rather eat my weight in Concrete than watch or hear anything come out of Zooey Deschanel’s pie hole! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway, Alma had a one-night affair with someone who is vocally played by a cameo by Shaymalan and she’s trying hard to avoid it. Meanwhile Elliot, Julian and his daughter Jess Meet Alma at the train station and as the train tries to get away from whatever the hell is going on out there to Harrisburg to meet up with Julian’s wife, the train stops in Filbert because they’ve lost contact with the outside world. At a restaurant they look at a video that shows that the lions in the lion’s den obviously enjoy it when their caretaker decides to stand while they’re at their most feral as they discover whatever is going on out there is in their neck of the woods. As Julian tries to find his wife who I’m sure has not been casted and is possibly kaput by this point he leaves Jess with Alma & Elliot to take care of her in his stead. Elliot, Alma & Jess hitch a ride with a Nursery owner whose house and business is so subtlety right near a nuclear power plant you couldn’t tell it was there… IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE NURSERY! Seriously Shaymalan you think being subtle means hitting someone in the Po-Pos with a 30 ton wrecking ball! You are making the entire “Josie & The Pussycats” movie look subtle in comparison! (Cut to the clip of Nursery owner talking about Hot Dogs before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay movie, you have FORCED me into doing this! Hit it! (Cut to the instrumental of “The Narwhal Song” at one and one quarter speed while in the background everyone else is dancing in different way.)

TLOTA (Singing): Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water up cook ‘em until they’re nice & plump! Grill ‘em until they get marked! Hot dogs! Hot Dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water!

Rebecca Yaun (Singing): Some come a foot long! If you like them too. You’ll sing along! (Audio of the clip of the Nursery owner talking about Hot dogs is played as everyone dances very silly)

Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!

TLOTA (Singing): Slathered in Chili & Cheese!

Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!

Paulo Fonseca (Singing): Tons of Mustard if you please! (Song lyrics repeat for the second verse as does the video for it before Cutting to James physically looking a little more mentally disturbed.)

TLOTA: HOKAY! Things are officially Cuckoo! Let’s take a break and regain some semblance of sanity though in a Shaymalan film that’s nigh on impossible!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to James’ office Kitchen as Jeremy from CinemaSins stands next to Alton Brown as played by Nick Yaun)

C.S. Jeremy: Sometimes watching a movie just isn’t enough! You also want to eat that movie!

“Alton Brown”: And that is why America we have movie recipes! (CinemaSins Movie Recipes music play in the background and opening credit is shown before cutting back to Jeremy from Cinema Sins and “Alton Brown” in James’ office Kitchen)

C.S. Jeremy: Today we’re going to make a M. Night Shaymalan Turkey!

“Alton Brown”: And not just any Turkey, people we are making a Turkey based on “The Happening” (Cut to a deep pot with the Camera in the bottom of the pot and the two looking in. Then cut to the two outside the pot with Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey & Kosher Salt)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): Starting with the brine for the Turkey, we use one pound of Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey and of course a pound of Kosher Salt. (Cut to the two standing over the pot as they drop the turkey into the pot and setting it aside in a corner)

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then Put in a 14 lbs. Turkey preferably one without bones because there is NO semblance of structure in a Shaymalan movie of this quality. Then we let it sit for hours as we prepare to stuff this turkey with enough filler to fill out an hour and a half of cooking! (Cut to the two with a blender, Tiramisu, Cheese & Crackers and Hot Dogs.)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We start with a lovely Tiramisu and blend the tar out of it!

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then drop a whole pack of Hot Dogs to the mix and a pound of Cheese and crackers preferably something bland and tasteless like Shaymalan! (Cut to the two with the boneless turkey stuffed with the Tiramisu mix next to an oven.)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We then cover the Turkey in the herb that helped make this movie possible! Marijuana and put it in a 525-degree oven for an hour and a half because no movie of his should be longer than that! (Cut to the two at a table)

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Serve with a country dinner and an expired water cocktail garnished with a lit cigarette and enjoy the madness that comes from this meal! (“Alton Brown” jumps over the table to attack as the camera is knocked over and it cuts to a test pattern before cutting to Cinema Sins Jeremy lying down in the Prison Bitch position and “Alton Brown” with his pants around his legs and head first in a trashcan before fading to black then cutting to the Commercial break return bit as the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return from commercial break as the review cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon find Julian as he tries to find his wife when they see a group of people dead, hung by their necks and lining the street and there is a tear in the roof that allows whatever it is to come in and the driver decides to go at “Fury Road” speed into a tree as Julian steps out and decides to take a piece of glass to slit his wrists. Though knowing John Leguizamo he looks like his manager called him about doing a 35^th “Ice Age” Movie while working on this and decided “Screw that Sloth!”. Meanwhile Elliot, Alma, Jess and our Hot Dog Nurseryman find a private who has found a Military private who’s as lost as the people watching this tries to organize everyone else on the same route into a group who’s just as lost but the Nurseryman believes that the plants are the cause of the event. (Show the clip of The Nurseryman telling the Military private about what they saw and the Private says “Cheese & Crackers” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: I have extended family members who have served in the Armed Forces and they have said worse things than “Cheese & Crackers” though they do sleep with some strange things but for me it’s a “Don’t know, Don’t care” kind of thing instead of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” sort of thing. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But convinced whatever this thing is that’s caused by the plants is being conveyed by the wind the large group break into smaller factions while they I KID YOU NOT TRY TO OUTRUN THE WIND! NOT KIDDING! Meanwhile in the Military private’s faction in which the Hot Dog nurseryman is in find themselves infected save for the Hot Dog nurseryman and well… (Show clip of Elliot, Alma & Jess’s group as they hear the gunshots and everyone there is screaming at Elliot before Mark Wahlberg’s Elliot screams “I NEED A SECOND OKAY! WHY CAN’T EVERYONE GIVE ME A GOD DAMN SECOND! Before James continues his voiceover while the movie continues)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Geez dude any louder and you’ll blow the boom mic besides no one wants to see your nose hairs! Anyway Elliot’s little group eventually discovers a Model home where everything is fake and well…. I can’t… I just can’t… Watch it and you come up with your own joke! (Show clip of Elliot talking to the plant before cutting to James physically with him looking into the camera and two M. Night Shaymalan heads popping out of his ears screaming “Cuckoo” three times and a fourth time the heads pop out M. Night Shaymalan synchronized saying “If you think this is sane then you are CUCKOO!” before they return to James’ head. Before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But as they see another group infected by whatever the hell this is, they run out of there like bats out of hell and Alma spills on meeting a guy for Tiramisu just as they hit another place Elliot’s attempt at levity falls flatter than this plot! (Cut to Elliot jokingly saying about meeting this woman and asking about cough syrup before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, I’m convinced! THIS was the writing process for this thing I’m watching. (Cut to a stoners’ den with Shaymalan being played vocally by James Faraci but physically by Renee Miller and a group of stoners played by Paulo Fonseca, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos & Eric Kurtzke, Raoul Pupe played by Nick Yaun and Georgio A. Tsoukalos played by James Faraci while a kids show with a fifty cent budget talking about the environment plays in the background.)

Shaymalan: Oh dude, you know what I could go for? Some Tiramisu with Cheese & Crackers

Stoner (Paulo): Hey man can we get some hot dogs in this place?

Stoner (John Santos): Dude, quit bogarting the Cough Syrup man! (Show Mike guzzling the bottle of Cough Syrup as The Audio of the kids show talking about the environment plays in the background.)

Stoner (Eric Kurtzke): You know this show we’re watching is making sense man! (Giggles uncontrollably)

Stoner (Mike Santos): Hey Shaymalan, you need to write this stuff down for your next movie man!

Shaymalan: Dude! Why do you think we’re here? (Cut to James as Georgio A. Tsoukalos tapping on a tank of turtles)

Georgio A. Tsoukalos: Hi little aliens! Klaatu Barata Nicto! Will you tell me the secrets of the world?

Shaymalan: Dude! How much has he had?

Stoner (John Santos): Oh him? He’s never stopped since we met in College man! (Everyone giggle uncontrollably as the camera cuts to Raoul Pupe)

Raoul Pupe: You know, I’m so glad to be amongst such sane and rational people! (Cut to Elliot’s group as they come to a house trying to talk to the people holed up inside and Elliot inexplicably starts singing the chorus to “Black Water” by The Doobie Brothers and Elliot says “See, We're normal!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Yeah keep believing that and eventually the people from Doctor Dippy’s Mental Retreat will let you out on their little choo-choo! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Even the kids looking into the camera are looking at this moment as to say “Yeah, we have no idea what the hell is going on here people, just get more stoned and enjoy this because this is freaking insane!” But eventually the others in Elliot’s group save for Alma and Jess get blasted with buckshot and Elliot, Alma and Jess bolt until they find an old woman in the next house they come across who’s practically given up on the world and by no choice allows the three of them to stay the night and we get a bit of history of the house and then this moment! (Cut to the clip of the old lady saying “I hear you whispering. Planning on stealing something!” and Elliot replying “No Ma’am we’re not!” and the old lady saying “Plan on murdering me in my sleep!” and Elliot replying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Guys come on over and help me out. Just…. Just help me question this thing. (Everyone else in Team TLOTA comes in and stares at the camera.)

Eric Kurtzke: Is this leading to anything important? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Renee Miller: Is there another sequel to “Ted” coming soon? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Mike Santos: Do you think we’re gonna make it through until the end? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

John Santos: Will this be at the top of your resume? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Eliza Dushku: Will I ever discover James’ secret? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Traci Hines: Will you ever live this movie down as long as you live? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Will you ever return to making cheesy music? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: Do you believe that “Wahlburgers” will ever come to Sullivan County New York? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Nick Yaun: Have we run this gag into the ground yet? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

TLOTA: You might think we haven’t but I think we have. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The next morning everything goes even further off the deep end as I KID YOU NOT Elliot tries to be rational as the old woman screams at him for being near her doll. But as whatever this plant voodoo is comes their way, affects the old lady as she smashes her head in on the windows in her house killing herself in the process Elliot heads for the basement and Alma & Jess head to a safe house used during the Underground Railroad and the two are able to talk via a speaking tube and all three decide three minutes after they talk through their problems and decide to reunite and wait for the whatever happened to everyone else to come and take them! But in a Shaymalan Twist, at least I think it is the event ends with them surviving at Arundell County at just two minutes before 10 A.M. and three months later people are still stymied after they went through what they did, Alma and Elliot formally adopt Jess but she’ll never forget her parents and in a not so subtle note Shaymalan lets the audience know that he’s planning on raping Aang for his cabbages in his next project based on “Avatar: The Last Airbender”, Alma discovers she’s pregnant and Elliot returns to his Science Theory class as it goes to Paris and whatever happened three months ago stateside made it to France to make the French must say Au Revoir! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that was “The Happening”! YOWZA! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re looking for intelligent writing or strong storytelling or good acting then brother you need to find something else. If you want to laugh at what stoners think will happen at the world if they weren’t in charge, then you have found the Jackpot! Maybe Shaymalan should quit trying to scare us with his serious fare and try to make us laugh with comedic fare because it appears he’s more versed in that than making serious movies with the material of his work. Because this maybe one of the humorous movies I’ve ever seen! Give it a watch and a laugh. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and…. (James laughs so uncontrollably he falls out of seat until a pooping noise is heard.) I need to change my underwear! (Cut to an hour later as everyone is getting ready to head back)

TLOTA: Hey guys, just so you know the next couple of months are going to be insane, so if you need to kind of step away for any personal reason either let me know now or shoot me an E-Mail my way. (Cut to Paulo)

Paulo Fonseca: Well, I’ve got my wedding to focus on so…

TLOTA: Say no more and If I wasn’t busy, I would go and if by SOME miracle If I can, I’d like to come.

Paulo Fonseca: Well, James as much as I’d like my friends there it’s more of a family thing and….

TLOTA: I’ve got it. Oh Nick! (Camera cuts to Nick Yaun getting his clothes in his suitcase as James walks over to him)

TLOTA: For being such a good sport and great utility player over the past few months, I figured you earned a break so you and Rebecca can enjoy your LONG overdue Honeymoon and I got two tickets for a cruise to the Caribbean for two weeks under the names of Nick & Rebecca Yaun.

Nick Yaun: Awesome! (Cut to Traci Hines as she is two steps away from the door.)

Traci Hines: I’ll be hitting the con circuit if you need me.

TLOTA (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James): Awesome, and incidentally if you’re going to a con in the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington Area Rowdy is willing to give you a place to chill for a bit.

Traci Hines (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James): Uh no way, I remember the Christmas party after a few coca colas and a bottle of Martinelli’s and I needed to call a lawyer to file a restraining order!

Eliza Dushku: Okay James, what’s going on?

TLOTA: What are you talking about?

Eliza Dushku: You’ve been acting weird since I met you and even by the standards I have for you this is crazy! I mean A Cruise to the Caribbean for Nick & Rebecca, having made sure we’re out of the way, as you so eloquently say “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?!” (James sighs a deep breath as his face becomes serious.)

TLOTA: Okay, it may come to no surprise that next month is my third anniversary of me doing reviews and I plan on something big. The Michael Bay “Transformers” movies with Shia LaBeouf and I plan on doing a countdown. A Countdown of the good things that came from them. Something that intense that there could be backlash. Which is why if you guys need to step away, go right ahead. (Audio of several Doors closing at the same time then audio of tires peeling out as James & Eliza are left behind)

TLOTA: Well, that was expectantly predictable.

Eliza Dushku: Actually, I’m still here. Traci was my ride!

TLOTA: Yeah, while you’re here, I noticed you tried calling other old crushes who wishes that an Elephant rapes me. Are you still trying to figure out who I am and what secrets about me you need to know?

Eliza Dushku: How did you know? The moment in the review when I asked Mark Wahlberg a question in the review, it was about you. (Cut to the moment in which Eliza Dushku asks if she’ll ever discover James’ secret before cutting to James looking at Eliza and Eliza looking at the camera)

TLOTA: See that happened.

Eliza Dushku: How did you do that?

TLOTA: An editing trick.

Eliza Dushku: No more quick-witted answers from you, what happened to you between 2010 up until 2013 is a black hole of information on you. Everything else is public record is just minimal and soon enough I WILL Find out your secret James Faraci! Whether you want me to or not. (Eliza Dushku walks away as James sighs)

Thursday, April 28, 2016

"The Force" Analyzed

(The opening text of A Long Time Ago in a Theater far, far away appears then cuts to the words “The Last Of The Americans” in Star Wars Font style Text as it goes into the starry background the words “Episode LXXVIII” And under that is the words “The Force Analyzed” then in text the first verse is seen “The Force Awakens revived the Star Wars Franchise. James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Eliza Dushku decide to check it out for James’ birthday. But as the two walk away from the theater the two are captured by the second in command of the new World order Highlo Bet as they are warped to another part of the galaxy they find a group of rebels as they have obtained the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon”. Then the second verse is seen “But all the while with the approval of the republic, A rebellion fleet led by a legend in the days of the old War is sent to find out what had happened and to see if they can find the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon.” Then the third verse is seen “The fate of the new World order and the galaxy and the Star Wars now rest in the hands of a few in order to save us all.” Before cutting to a Super Star destroyer then to the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer where Highlo Bet played by Paulo Fonseca stands looking as fire colored lens flares are engulfing the front windows as James & Eliza are being forcibly brought to him with General Nux played by Nick Yaun.)

Gen. Nux: Lord Bet, I believe these are the two you called upon.

Highlo Bet: Yes, do you have their weapons?

Gen. Nux: Yes, my lord.

Highlo Bet: So the two of you are the last to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and you (Cuts to James being forcibly flung to Highlo Bet and then made to kneel.) From what intelligence has gathered you are an Internet Reviewer, so tell me honestly, what did you think of “The Force Awakens”? And What Is your Associate saying?

TLOTA (Grunting while talking): You want to know? Simple DELTA… (Cut to the Sonic Screwdrivers powering up before cutting to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: LEVEL… (Cut to the bottom of James’ boots as he clicks to reveal repulsar jet exhaust vents before cutting to James)

TLOTA (Grunting while talking): DEFENSE! (The Sonic Screwdrivers emit an electrical pulse that knock out everyone save for James who blast jumps off of Highlo Bet and Eliza Dushku who kicks out of the grasp of the new World order Stormtrooper and rolls out of the way. The Song “Up The Shard” from the 0:00 through the 1:31 mark by Murray Gold plays in the background as James grabs the Sonic Screwdrivers as he and Eliza run throughout the Super Star Destroyer eventually meeting up with Jol Methadone played by John Santos & Tenn played by Nicholas Markin over a large vent over the hangar bay.)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku: Howdy!

Jol & Tenn: Hello. (The four try to shake hands but are interrupted as a laser blast hits the wall as they cut to a first person perspective to see that they’re surrounded by troopers of the new World order.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Great! Surrounded by Bowling pins who can’t shoot worth a damn and our only way out is down. (Cut to the four back to back)

TLOTA: Anybody got an idea or a reasonable facsimile of one thereof?

Eliza Dushku: I do! (Eliza Dushku pulls out her Sonic Screwdriver and aims it at the corners of the panel.) Everyone get ready to fall! (The four fall out of frame as it cuts to see the four fall through a vent as James notices that the other vent opening is closed and pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver to remedy the situation. As the scene cuts to the four slam falling into the hangar bay.)

Tenn: This way. (The four find a TIE fighter and James looks to the left of the TIE fighter)

TLOTA: Never thought I’d be glad to see this. (The two groups run as the scene cuts to James’ Time Space Device going with a TIE Fighter as Tenn & Jol in the cockpit of the stolen TIE Fighter contacts James and Eliza)

Jol Methadone: Hey Guys…! (Cut to James and Eliza in James’ Time Space device trying to outfly the enemy TIE Fighter)

TLOTA & Eliza: WE SEE IT! WE SEE IT! (Scene cuts to the TIE Fighter taking down Tenn’s fighter which knocks James Time Space Device into a spinning crash into a planet and the audio of James and Eliza scream as they crash land onto a desert and in a distance we see Tenn’s fighter land far away from them as the scene cuts to inside of James’ time space device which has fallen into disrepair)

TLOTA: ORAC! What happened?

ORAC (Audio only): We have crashed onto the planet KaKu! In addition, we do not have enough power for a trip back to earth for all of us.

TLOTA: Where’s the survival packs?

ORAC (Audio only): Under the main console. (James grabs two survival packs and James grabs Eliza Dushku escaping James’ Time Space Device as it dematerializes leaving the two in the middle of a sand dune as they hear an explosion in the background and Eliza wakes up groaning)

Eliza Dushku: Where are we?

TLOTA: Well, If there's a bright center to the universe, we're on the planet that it's farthest from. According to ORAC we’re on the planet Kaku.

Eliza Dushku: Really, Where’s ORAC and your Time and Space Device now.

TLOTA: Hopefully it’s back at the office and ORAC is giving the others instructions to repair and retrieve us. If not, our turkeys are cooked.

Eliza Dushku: Don’t you mean, Geese?

TLOTA: In my line of work, I deal in turkeys. (Cut to everyone else at James’ office surprised to see the time and space device)

Eric Kurtzke: Well, leave it to James to surprise us when we’re trying to surprise him! (Windshield swipe cut back to James and Eliza as James hands Eliza her Survival pack)

TLOTA: Here, it’s solar powered and the canteen can draw moisture from the air and make it drinkable water. Now let me see if I can find some sort of civilization nearby and if I’m lucky it’ll sound like… (James walks around in a circle while Sonic Screwdriver makes different noises until it makes the usual Sonic Screwdriver noise and James stops) This way. Follow me. (The two walks towards the camera)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go! HO! 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer if any of those happen to fall…. (Cut to the blazing hot sun overhead before cutting to the two continuing to sing.)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Slurred singing): Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall…. (The two take a swig from their canteens)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Love a parade! The trampling of feet, the sound of the beat when I hear a drum! IIIIIIIIIIIII Love a parade! Whenever I hear the band, I just want to stand and cheer as they come! (James takes a deep breath sighing exhaustedly as the scene cuts to later in the day and the two are coming up over another sand dune.)

Eliza Dushku: We pass a service station that can serve us EVERY single thousand lightyears but when we really need one, we wind up walking our asses off!

TLOTA: Preaching to the choir, this is no way to run a planet that’s mostly desert! (The camera pans back as James laughs and we see two indigenous citizens of the planet KaKu)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): What?

TLOTA (Audio only): We’re gonna die out here! (Cut to the indigenous citizens as they speak their language with the subtitles under the two “What a couple of assholes!” before cutting to the blazing overhead sun before cutting to see James and Eliza walking over yet another sand dune)

TLOTA: Taxi! Taxi!

Eliza Dushku: Oh god we’re dead! Our bodies are saying we’re alive but our brains are saying “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND THE IDIOT NEXT TO YOU DOING?! LAY DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!”

TLOTA: Taxi! Here boy! Oh god we’re dead! Why can’t we die?! (Cut to yet another dune as James carries Eliza Dushku on his back)

TLOTA: Mommy! Mommy?! (James tumbles forward and Eliza Dushku falls off rolling forward towards a skeleton next to a Stormtrooper’s outfit.)

Eliza Dushku (Shouting): WHOA! HEY! HI! HOW ARE YOU?! HEY! (Cut to the two making it over yet another dune where a tent is and the two laugh insanely before falling down as a shadow comes over them as the scene circular wipe cuts to an hour later in which the two are under the shade of a tent and a strange woman played by Traci Hines treating them as James comes to.)

Strange woman: Hello

TLOTA: Hi, uh how long have me and my associate been out?

Strange woman: An hour. A friend of yours found you two on his way here. You were just about dead but he dragged both of you under my tent and took care of your poor health. Your feet were just abysmally wretched smelling and they were puffy. She on the other hand wasn’t as bad as yours.

TLOTA: Wait, wait, wait, who grabbed us?

Tenn (Audio only): I did. (Tenn walks into the tent)

TLOTA: Wait, you were in the TIE Fighter with that other guy. What happened to him?

Tenn: I don’t know. Last I saw my TIE Fighter it sank in the sand then exploded as for Jol, I don’t know what happened to him. Oh where are my manners, I’m Tenn and Her name is Tray!

TLOTA: Well, hello Tenn & Tray, I’m James and my associate is called …

Eliza Dushku: Eliza! A Pleasure to meet you bo … WHOA! James, The Blisters on your feet are the sizes of tubs! (James looks to see his feet have inflated to triple in size!)

TLOTA: YOWZA! ICE TUBS!

Tenn: Where?

TLOTA: In the pack! (Eliza opens James’ pack to get the Ice tubs and James places both of his feet in them and a whoosh of steam is unleashed as the ice evaporate and James’ feet come out with the skin peeling and shredded.)

TLOTA: EGADS! Haven’t been this surprised since “The Force Awakens”

Tray: Surprised how?

TLOTA: Surprised that it’s a reality! (Cut to images of The Original Trilogy & The Prequel Trilogy of “Star Wars” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not, I was glad as a Star Wars fan to have let sleeping dogs lie especially when it came to the movies. I was glad to have seen the original as a kid and the prequels when they came out. As a matter of fact, the first memory of Seeing Star Wars came with getting my first VCR. For those who are my nieces age a VCR was this device that played this rectangular block that housed a copy of the film you were going to watch. Some of the first movies I saw on this format was “Disney’s Lady & The Tramp”, “Pinocchio”, “The Great Muppet Caper” & “Star Wars” though technically “Star Wars” was recorded from a CBS Broadcast and had the last minute of “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown” And when I saw it, I was amazed at the story about a young person going through this journey and what he had gone through and when my family got a video rental service that’s when I saw “The Empire Strikes Back” & “Return of The Jedi” the twists and turns shocked me and like everyone else I loved these movies and would glad to stop everything to see them. I saw the prequels in the theaters and when I saw them I thought they weren’t bad but as time has gone on, I began to understand why people didn’t like them. Doesn’t mean I agree with them, I found “The Phantom Menace” riff worthy fun, “Attack of The Clones” in need of having a re-write but a good thing to put on the background and make Samuel L. Jackson sound more bad-ass and “Revenge Of The Sith” possibly the best of the three prequels because it was the closest to the Original Trilogy and honestly outside of Expanded Universe Media I was glad to let “Star Wars” drift away into movie history. But the news of more movies coming didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was the fact that Disney bought Lucasfilms and the rights to the “Star Wars” franchise. I thought it would’ve been 20^th Century Fox to buy Lucasfilms and gain those rights. It was 20^th Century Fox that financed the first “Star Wars” movie and distributed “Empire”, “Jedi” & The Prequels, so wouldn’t have selling Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” to 20^th Century Fox been the more logical route? (Cut to everyone in the tent having just finished wrapping James’ feet in bandages and everyone save for James taking off a gas mask.)

Eliza Dushku: Okay, your feet smell wicked bad first. Second what is your beef towards Disney?

TLOTA: It’s not so much a beef towards Disney as much as I’ve seen what Disney has done with great franchises. (Cut to images of “Power Rangers” seasons under the Disney banner as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I discovered Disney purchased the Power Rangers franchise from Saban it was out of left field. And to say what they did with a few of their seasons and hearing about they disrespected that franchise and the fans of it made me cautious towards what they would’ve done with Star Wars but hearing how they sold Power Rangers for Pennies on the Dollar just so they could buy Marvel, Lucasfilms & Star Wars made me realize that instead of making good with what they got, The house of Mouse will squeeze every last drop of good and throw it away just so they can leave a bad taste in people’s mouth when it’s not their property. (Cut to everyone in the tent)

Tenn: So you were worried they’d do what they did on Power Rangers with Star Wars?

TLOTA: Yep

Tray: But that’s comparing apples to cumquats.

TLOTA: The point I was trying to make is that instead of working on bettering what they had with Power Rangers and keeping that franchise amazing they tried to Disney-fy it until no one wanted to watch it or work on it because before Disney got their hands on it Power Rangers was in the top five best Sci-Fi Franchises for kids and adults as far as I’m concerned and when Disney bought both Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” I had legitimate reasons for concern. (A droid beeping hovering around hits James in the leg) OW! What the… (James picks up the droid and reads aloud it’s designation “C-D-I”)

TLOTA: Let me say this right now, I know a nerd who would be glad to wipe this droid off the face of the map. (A Laser blast hits outside of the tent) Well, I guess we know whose after him don’t we! RUN! (Everyone runs away from the blasts being fired upon their tent before cutting to the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer.

Highlo Bet: CAREFUL YOU MORON! I SAID ACROSS THEIR NOSES NOT UP THEM! (The gunner played by Mike Santos turns to show his eyes are crossed and faces Highlo Bet)

Gunner: Sorry sir, I’m doing my best! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the gunner)

Highlo Bet: Who made you a gunner?

Major (Audio only): I did sir! (Cut to the Major who is also cross-eyed and facing Highlo Bet)

Major: He’s my brother! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the Major)

Highlo Bet: Who are you?

Major: I’m a major! Major Idiot!

Highlo Bet: And your brother?

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: I’m an idiot too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot!

Highlo Bet: How many Idiots do I have on this ship, anyway?

(Entire bridge crew played by everyone on Team TLOTA in multiple costumes stands up and raises a hand)

Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!

Highlo Bet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by idiots! KEEP FIRING IDIOT! (Cut to James, Eliza, Tray & Tenn standing in the shadow of a familiar ship.)

Tray: Are you sure this thing can fly?

TLOTA: This thing will make .5 past light speed. It made the Kessel run in five parsecs! It outlasted two Death Stars and was able to get The Then Administrator of Bespin out of Imperial capture and was the Flagship of the Rebellion! This is the fastest ship in the galaxy! (Cut to the exterior of the Millennium Falcon.)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): So why is it in a Junkyard?

TLOTA (Audio only): Well, according to my Screwdriver, it’ll still fly. We just got to get her going! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as James uses his Sonic Screwdriver to reactivate all the systems.)

TLOTA: That ought to do it! Try it now! (Cut to the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon)

Tray: Nothing is working!

TLOTA (Audio only): For the love of Peat Moss! (James walks in, aims the Sonic Screwdriver at the control panel and the ship starts up)

TLOTA: There That ought to do it! PUNCH IT! (Cut to the Millennium Falcon taking off and flying out into space with the Super Star Destroyer following it before cutting to the Cockpit of the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: Here come the bad guys!

Tenn: We have to make the jump to light speed!

Tray: Do any of you know how to do so?

TLOTA: Why does everything have to rest on my shoulders? (James takes control of the ship and flips the right levers to take the ship to Lightspeed before cutting to the cockpit of the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: Well, it’ll be at least three years before they find us.

Tenn: Whew, so where are we heading?

TLOTA: Someplace we can have the home field advantage.

Eliza Dushku: Are you insane? We’d be putting more of us in danger than them.

TLOTA: You’re right let’s head to the Ne-e-ee-e-ee-e—EEEEEE! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Tray: There! (Cut to the outside of the Falcon as it’s being placed into another ship via A Tractor Beam before cutting to the hallway in the Falcon where Tray, Tenn, James & Eliza are ready to defend against whoever comes in!)

TLOTA (Whispering) Tenn, the second the last guy is through the door close it. Tray, the second they try to attack take down the last guy in and Tenn back her up, I’ll handle the boss, Eliza, stragglers are yours. (Cut to the Millennium Falcon’s door as a cloud of smoke fills the hall and steps are heard until the smoke clears as Kerr Avon played by Paul Darrow.)

Avon: Well, from one pile of flying scrap metal to another. The Story of my survival. (The sound of the door shuts close as James and everyone else prepare to throw down before James stops everyone.)

TLOTA: Avon! You Son of a… (James throws a punch and Avon goes down like a sack of potatoes)

Tray: Now why did you do that?

Avon: Relax, people do that all the time, especially for those who were loyal to Blake whom I shot.

TLOTA: When he was trying to build a revolutionist army to take down the Federation.

Avon: One of many mistakes that I will live with for the rest of my days and have continued to do so since that faithful day that I lost everyone, I have been running and now I believe I can stop running and start fighting if this ship is as powerful as “The Liberator” then I shall use it and you to finish the job that Blake started.

Tray: Well we have our own Problem. Highlo Bet and The new World order. (Avon grabs Tray’s Arm)

Avon: Did you say Highlo Bet? Very well then, tell the pilot of this ship to take us to these coordinates.

TLOTA: Okay, looks like I’m the pilot now! Why not add more to my buffet of a repertoire? Allons-Y! (Cut to a gigantic person on a throne and Highlo Bet looking up)

Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk How I may I serve you? (Cut to the gigantic Lord Hualk played by John Ross Santos)

Lord Hualk: First off my nWo-ite find a way to shrink this damned hologram! Secondly Have General Nux try the new Starkiller Base on the next place we stop by. Though I do have a question for you, Brother!

Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk, I assure you I know what I will do to if my father were to come for me.

Lord Hualk: Make sure you end Kerr Avon quickly, BROTHER!

Highlo Bet: Yes, my master!

Eliza Dushku: So where are we?

TLOTA: According to the navicomputer we’re on the Planet…. Teriyaki!

Eliza Dushku: Seriously?!

Avon: The information I will require is in there! (Cut to a Cantina on top of a mountain before cutting to the inside as Avon orders a drink and the others walk down the bar.)

Avon: So Highlo Bet kidnapped you after watching a movie called “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and since then you have not had a moment’s peace not even long enough to say whether or not you enjoyed the movie.

TLOTA: Well Avon, I did enjoy the movie but to me it feels less like what “Star Wars” was like when I was a kid.

Avon: Was that when you saw those movies? Knowing you, the moment that made you a Star Wars Fan was some blaster battle or duel between the hero and the villain or some stupid catchphrase. (Cut to Stills from “The Original Star Wars Trilogy” and the Prequels before cutting to stills from “The Force Awakens” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually for me, the moment that made me a Star Wars fan WASN’T a battle or some catchphrase. It was when I saw Luke Skywalker having walked away from his aunt and uncle and stepped outside his home to see the Binary Sunset of his home on Tatooine and look and wonder what was in his future. To me THAT was the moment that made me a Star Wars fan and of course the moment was highlighted by the music of John Williams who has done a marvelous job composing ALL of the great moments I remember the most. Whether it was when Luke got home too late to save his Aunt and Uncle which the music punctuated the feeling of someone who had just lost the only thing he had that was his life up to that point or when Han was frozen in Carbonite to being able to cry when one of the Ewoks took the hit that was meant to take out his friend. As a matter of fact, the soundtracks to the Prequels were one of the best things because if you watched those movies sans the Dialogue you could make your own story to the prequels better except for “Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith” because the Dialogue there helps finalize Anakin’s fall from the Jedi and the light side and delving into the Dark Side. With “The Force Awakens” I got that feeling that made me like Star Wars back when I was a kid watching movies instead of critiquing them. (Cut to the inside of the cantina as everyone enjoys their drink.)

Tenn: So I take it that the only Prequel you did like was “The Sith”?

TLOTA: Actually, they aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be. (Silence fills the Cantina before we hear the sound of guns being cocked.)

Avon: Well James congratulations are in order for making every last syllable out of Villa’s mouth seem like something out of the finest paper on mathematics and science and now we shall die because of this!

TLOTA: Can I explain why The Prequels aren’t as bad? (Cut to the prequels and the original trilogy as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me, the Prequels are a necessary evil! I wanted to know the hows and whys as to what led to Anakin Skywalker’s fall to the Dark Side and become Darth Vader! I wanted to see what led to the rise of the empire. Does Jar-Jar deserve to be ripped into pieces by being truck ripped for what he did? Hell yeah! Did we all know that the character of Palpatine played Ian McDiarmid was in fact going to become the Emperor? Of Course! The Prequels had to tell the Story of Anakin in order to understand the Story of Luke and Leia in the original trilogy. What I will say is that the charm of the originals in which there wasn’t as much green screen and they had to use the physical to make the impractical look realistic isn’t in the Prequels. Do I wish George Lucas go the practical route a little more? Yes, but he realized he needed to be able to do these with the quality of the original trilogy but with making things easier for the actors involved. Did he sacrifice certain things? Yes, and those things he sacrificed made the Prequels a chore to sit through. Quite honestly I like the prequels but if George Lucas spent a little more time maybe a rewrite or two or had help polishing the stories to Episodes I & II then maybe they wouldn’t have been as ridiculed as they were. (Cut to everyone in the cantina)

TLOTA: Does that satisfy everyone?

Avon: Apparently not, they’re still ready to shoot us Stone Cold Dead thanks to you. (Cut to the Alien behind the bar physically performed by Eric Neil Kurtzke but vocally by Renee Miller.)

Alien: No! It was because I sensed the presence of the soldiers of the new World order and I let them know to be ready to shoot. But her… (Alien points to Tray before cutting to Tray)

Tray: Me? (Cut to the Alien behind the bar)

Alien: Yes. I believe this belongs to you. (The Alien pulls out a case and in it is a Lightsaber and as Tray grabs it she feels and experiences a flashback to certain things in the Star Wars series before James catches her as she begins to faint.)

TLOTA: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? (Tray wakes up)

Tray: What a Rush! James, take this.

TLOTA: Okay Why? Because I feel as if I’m about to be…. (Tray screams as she is force pulled to Highlo Bet and Highlo Bet orders his troops to come in and destroy everything and one in sight as it cuts to the Cantina as James activates the Lightsaber and holds his own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers as the Bar fight breaks out and Eliza Dushku attacks and holds her own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers before grabbing a blaster and starts shooting them and more blasts come as the rebellion comes to force the n.W.o Stormtroopers into retreat.)

Avon: Well, I should be grateful to the rebellion, I’m not that great a shot as I once was! (A Stormtrooper tries to shoot Avon in the back as a shot is heard and the camera pans over to Servalan played by Jacqueline Pearce.)

Servalan: And that is how I’ve been saving your backside ever since Gauda Prime! (Servalan hugs Avon)

Avon: To that I am grateful, Hello Servalan. I found Blake, thanks to these people. (Cut to James talking about a plan to rescue Tray and meeting up with Jol Methadone who explains how he escaped and met up with the rebels in the distance before cutting back to Servalan & Avon)

Servalan: If you can save him, do so, please ever since the Federation named me a traitor I’ve been wanting something good to come my way. Blake was it. Save him, Save our son!

Avon: I shall do what I must, no more, no less! (Circular swipe cut to the interior of Starkiller Base as Tray is being interrogated by Highlo Bet.)

Highlo Bet: So I will ask one more time, what do you know of the Rebels and their alliance against the n.W.o?

Tray: You will not get anything from me!

Highlo Bet: I will not get anything you! Hey Stop That!

Tray: I’m not doing anything!

Highlo Bet: You’re not doing anything! Wait a second, yes you are and I am going to wait until the second you tell me.

Tray: But not here, after we fight for the last time.

Highlo Bet: Very well then after we… GOD DAMN IT! GUARD! Watch her! (Cut to the outside of the room where the Captain of the guard and another Stormtrooper before seeing their heads being sliced off with a lightsaber and the door opens to see James, Eliza & Tenn rescue Tray.)

Tray: What took you so long?

Tenn: We had to come up with a plan and I had given the Rebellion the necessary data to destroy this thing!

Tray: Well, where is Avon?

TLOTA: Going to confront Highlo Bet. Why he would do that seems out of character, even for him.

Eliza: What do you know about characters?

TLOTA: Quite a bit especially when it comes to the Star Wars franchise. (Cut to stills of certain moments in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I knew Han and Leia would’ve hooked up and settled down after the end of the First big battle and Luke would’ve restarted the Jedi temple and teach students in the ways of the force in both the Light and Dark side so they know what was where and what path they could go down. Then of course we have R2-D2 & C-3PO they would’ve remained loyal to Luke, Leia and Han but I have a lot of questions that I never got the answers to by the end of the movie such as What made Kylo Ren become a member of the Sith or What was the reason behind C-3PO’s red arm or for that matter why didn’t they know R2 was in a recharging mode hell even how The First Order picked up where the empire left off. (An audible scream of the word “Blake” is heard before cutting to a point in the of the interior of Starkiller Base as Highlo Bet stands in the center of the Base and Avon is seen at the end of the runway.)

Avon: BLAKE! Didn’t I ever teach you that it is considered rude to face someone behind a mask, my son. (Highlo Bet takes off his mask to reveal that he is Blake Servalan Avon played by Paulo Fonseca.)

Blake: Hello father! (Avon walks towards his son)

Avon: Your mother and I have never given up on you so answer me this, Have you given up on yourself? Have you given up on us as a family?

Blake: I am the only one who has tried to do what you and mother have never tried.

Avon: Your mother and I have tried to keep you out of what we do. So for her sake, my sake and yours let it go. (Avon and Blake come face to face as Blake and Avon hold Blake’s Lightsaber.)

Blake: I don’t know if I can.

Avon: Yes! I know what I do now is for all of us! (The lightsaber activates and guts Avon and his face reacts the same way Roj Blake’s did as he was shot by Avon before it is retracted.)

Avon (In pain and dying): Blake! (Avon falls to his death while focusing on an overhead shot on Blake)

TLOTA (Audio only): YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER YOU BASTARD! (Cut to James screaming and swinging down on a rope to try to be force thrown to the floor of the Hangar Bay of the Starkiller Base as everyone else runs and Blake chases after them as the scene cuts to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as everyone sighs and sits uncomfortably or cries silently)

Tenn: Why did this happen? We thought he would lead us to something to stop the n.W.o.

Tray: He died so we could have a chance to either destroy Highlo Bet or save Blake one of the two.

Eliza Dushku: Kind of hard seeing as how Blake & Bet are the same. This is so similar to what happens in “The Force Awakens”

TLOTA: Yeah, A little too similar. Almost like… Oh my God! I know why I and everyone liked “The Force Awakens” and for that matter the entire “Star Wars” Franchise! (Cut to a geeky female writer in front of a computer played by Rebecca Yaun)

G.F.W.: So James discovers the key fact on what keeps “Star Wars” popular as everyone else is left in surprise. (Cut to The interior of the Millennium Falcon)

Eliza, Tenn & Tray: FAN FICTION?!

TLOTA: Exactly that! Think About it! (Cut to stills of old Saturday Morning Movie Serials and Old Sci-Fi, Old Action & Western Movies Then Stills of the entire Star Wars franchise as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): George Lucas grew up watching these classics and wrote “Star Wars” as not only a love letter to those movies from a by-gone era, He essentially said “It was okay if you were or are a fan of these movies or stories that you grew up with, you can make them in your own way and people WILL enjoy it!” And that’s why J.J. Abrams made “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” the way he did. He did his own Fan-Fiction of where he thought the Star Wars franchise would go and ultimately it worked because it was HIS spin on Star Wars. That’s why the movie came out as great as it did! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as a familiar whoosh is heard as James’ Time and Space Device materializes inside the Falcon as the remainder of Team TLOTA walk out the door.)

Paulo Fonseca: Somehow You’d find yourself in trouble today.

Rebecca Yaun: And we would be the ones trying to clean up the mess!

TLOTA: Alright Eliza, let’s get going.

Tray: Wait, you can’t leave us.

TLOTA: Actually we’ve got a battle with Highlo or Blake or whoever he is.

Tenn: But who will help us in our battle with the n.W.o.? (A Smooth voice from the past says “Tenn, Rule Number One: Always expect help when everything looks bleak and Rule Number Two… Before cutting to Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian!)

Lando: Never forget rule Number one! (Cut to a forested part of the Starkiller base where James in full on out battle gear and a special set of Sunglasses, Tenn holding the lightsaber & Tray await Blake and Blake arrives.)

TLOTA: Well Blake we meet face to face!

Blake: The Lightsaber, I Want it, I DEMAND YOU GIVE IT TO ME!

Tenn: Well, you’re going to have to take it from me!

TLOTA: And you’re going to have to go through me to get to Tenn! (Blake reaches out as James is flung off camera)

TLOTA (Audio as he landed): I’m not okay! (Blake and Tenn Battle for a few Seconds before they feel the earth shake and Tenn loses his grip on the Lightsaber.)

Blake: What was that?

TLOTA: Don’t you realize why there’s a whole lot of hurt coming your way? (Cut to the outer space as James’ Space & Time Device flies in the Air before cutting to the interior as Eliza, Traci, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke and John and Mike Santos pilot the thing and open communications to the rebellion.)

Paulo Fonseca: All fighters focus your attack runs on the center of that thing! (Cut to Jol Methadone in his X-Wing Fighter.)

Jol: Roger that! (Cut to the forested part of the Starkiller base!)

Blake: You sent them my way!

TLOTA: Not only here but a whole lot of other places as well in the quadrant you and everything you have been a part of.

Blake: No matter that lightsaber is MINE! (The Lightsaber goes to Tray and the lightsaber turns on. Blake and Tray fight.)

Blake: Come with me and I will show you the way of the force!

TLOTA (Audio): I don’t think that’s what she wants. (Cut to James standing strong as he wields The Sword Of Caliverti)

TLOTA: Besides You’re gonna get more of a headache with what’s coming your way! (Cut to a fleet of other Fandoms being led by the U.S.S. Enterprise!)

Captain James T. Kirk (Audio only by James Faraci but the image blurs between The Old School William Shatner, Movie version of Kirk by Shatner and Chris Pine from the reboot.): Calling this quadrant of space. This is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise! (Cut to the Outer space as Fandoms come out to attack.)

TLOTA (Audio only): You could say, they’ve been waiting to get their hands on you for a LONG TIME! (Cut to the cockpit of the Starkiller Base as Audio and Visual of Different Fandoms ranging from Comic Books to Movies to Sci-Fi and everything in between flooding everything before cutting to an image of the interior of Iron Man’s helmet as he shouts out “AVENGERS!” Before cutting to a darkened image of Tony Stark shouting “TIME TO EARN A LIVING!” before cutting to the cockpit and General Nux.)

Gen. Nux: How many are out there?!

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: According to the latest reading it is two shy of… CORRECTION! (Cut to Outer Space where The TARDIS and a Man on A Nuclear Missile comes rushing their way before cutting to the image of Peter Capaldi’s Doctor looking intensely into the screen before cutting to the Missile as we see who’s on top of it! Segata Sanshiro played by James Faraci.)

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot (Audio only): Final total ONE DEKA-QUADRILLION!

(Segata Sanshiro Speaking Mock Japanese but translated as “Star Wars! You Belong to Us!” before cutting to Tray and James Battling Blake before James destroys Blake’s Lightsaber with his Sonic Sunglasses and a rift appears breaking up the fight and James’ Time and Space Device comes as well as the Falcon)

Tray: I guess we can handle this without you now.

TLOTA: Good Luck! (James Runs to his Time and Space Device as Tray carries Tenn to the Falcon before cutting to footage of “The Day Of The Doctor” in which The 11^th Doctor shouts “GERONIMO!” The 10^th Doctor shouting “ALLONS-Y!” and The War Doctor saying “Ugh, For God’s Sake!” before cutting to see James’ Time and Space Device getting the hell out of Dodge as a gigantic explosion like experience happens! Before cutting to the outside of James’ Office building and James looking out into the stars and Eliza coming over to be next to James.)

Eliza Dushku: Hell of a night.

TLOTA: Yep.

Eliza Dushku: Wondering if the rebellion will win?

TLOTA: Yep.

Eliza Dushku: If I said “I want to rip the clothes off your back and Milk you like a cow for your birthday right in front of everyone in the office.” Would you like that?

TLOTA: Yep. (Eliza Dushku smacks James in the head.)

TLOTA: Sorry I wasn’t listening but after everything we went through, it kind of makes you think.

Eliza Dushku: Yeah, but what about?

TLOTA: Whatever it is you want to think about? (Cut to the two looking up as it fades to a shot of the Falcon flying on a distant planet before cutting to Tray as she walks up a hill in order to find Luke Skywalker and she pulls out the Lightsaber and holds it out for Luke to take it before circular wiping to Black)

Monday, April 11, 2016

Top 10 Larry David Performances

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Larry David is a friggin' comedic GENIUS! (“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as images of Larry David are shown and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And it feels like it's been that way forever from his days on the short lived "Fridays" to his work on Saturday Night Live as of late. But what is it about him that makes him entertaining? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well we'll get to the bottom of the that as we countdown ten of Larry David's best performances. So kick back and think long and hard about the humor of the mundane. This is the Top 10 Funniest Larry David performances. (“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as images of Larry David are shown while a central image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown then the words "The Top Ten Funniest" are on the top of Larry David's head and the words "Larry David Performances" are on the bottom as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) Sister Mary-Mengele in the Farrelly Brothers "The Three Stooges"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Possibly one of the few good things out of this dogpile was Larry David's performance as this nun who was about as likable as sandpaper toilet paper. Even the trailer was smart enough to have Sister Mary-Mengele be the first person getting the eyebrow poke! And then came the entire performance, Larry got the daylights knocked out of him but he took it all in stride. But I think it's safe to say he was in on how much of a stinker it is and did the best he could and he was a trooper for putting up with being both a nun AND being beaten to a pulp! He was one of the few funny things that worked in this turkey and it shows.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) "Fridays"

TLOTA (Voiceover): I put this classic series waaaaaaaay down here because the only reasons people remember this was because of an incident involving Andy Kaufman shattering a sketch but also it was successful for at least a small amount of time especially during the sixth through the eighth seasons of "SNL" which would eventually have a former cast member be a part of their tenth season as well as Larry David in the writing staff and the occasional sketch but the cast including Melanie Chartoff, Rich Hall, Michael Richards and of course Larry David was relatively funny and in sketches and musical numbers that tanked and then some but apparently there was something that shone through the bottom of the barrel especially in which Larry David plays Larry OF the Three Stooges getting baked on the Mary Jane to which I ask the following to you which was worse The Sketch from "Fridays" in which the Three Stooges are made to be drug heads or the Farrelly Brothers movie? Regardless this did show Larry David at his earliest and what would come from those days would be a comedic genius!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8
8) Sour Grapes

TLOTA (Voiceover): This was Larry David's only movie where he directed. And it's easy to see why. The plot was interesting A guy and his cousin in a casino wins close to half a million dollars on two quarters for a slot machine and what happens afterwards. The cousin feels he should get half of the cash because it was HIS quarters that his cousin used to win the money so he should get at least half but then chaos between the cousins ensues. Now that sounds like comedy gold but the critics crucified the movie and the movie died a painful death and eventually even Larry David regrets it so much it became a joke on the Pilot Episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". But I hope people do give it a chance, it was funny and I hope it becomes a cult classic!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) The cameo in the Hannah Montana episode "My Best Friend's Boyfriend"

TLOTA: My associate the Rowdy Reviewer got it right on the nose when it came to this series but one of the greatest moments this series had was having Larry David and his actual daughters cameo in the episode. While it was brief, it gave kids that around my nieces age who this guy is and what he's been in though it does show how most people in Los Angeles who have high end restaurants to those who've been around for a while and those who are just young acts who will flame out before their first attempt to regain their relevance six weeks after they become relevant and you know what's even crazier. He was just hanging around the set with his daughters and the executive producers and writers decided to ask Larry to cameo with his daughters and he was fine with it. So it shows how even he can poke at who he is and enjoy it as well.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) " The Acceptance Speech for the Laurel Award at the WGA Awards"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Just watching this guy roast himself and what he does and how he got his start and how he got there is hilarious. But when you see it, you can tell he was truly humbled by the award and how lucky he was to get the breaks in his career which I think he earned!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) "Fish in the Dark"

TLOTA (Voiceover): While sitting Shiva with his friend & lawyer who had lost his father, Larry David came up with the plot for this short lived but critically polarizing Broadway play about a dysfunctional family as not only do they come to terms with the passing of their father but what is going to happen to them and on the outside it does sound like a good drama but with Larry David's talent turned it into a great comedy.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) The "It's Garry Shandling's Show" episode "Sarah"

TLOTA (Voiceover): We recently lost Garry Shandling. But this episode shows what he could do with the writing style of Larry David and the show's deadpan yet fourth wall breaking comedy was a match made in heaven and in this case, it shows. The episode is about Garry's Ex-Girlfriend coming back into town and Garry still having feelings for her and as was a part of the show's fourth wall breaking he'd always let the audience on the series be on the gags and jokes without the "If You have to explain the Joke" trope. An awesome episode of a great series written by a comedic genius and you've got a classic of epic proportions.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) Saturday Night Live!

TLOTA(Voiceover): Believe it or not as a sign of Good Will from one network to another after "Fridays" bit the bullet, The then showrunner of "Saturday Night Live" invited the cast and writers to work on SNL, that was kind of nice of the showrunner I guess. Well out of all of the cast and writers only two accepted the offer one of them being Larry David and although he did work on the show his only written sketch got the last slot on one episode. Enraged he quit but the next day returned to work the next day as if nothing happened. Though he did appear throughout his season as a writer performance wise as a heckler at Michael McKean and in the only season finale he both wrote and appeared in. But recently Larry returned this time to portray Bernie Sanders who is currently as of this post Still in the hunt for the Democratic Party Presidency Candidature, even hosting an episode in which Bernie Sanders appeared as a cameo. And as of this moment, whenever I hear Bernie Sanders on the campaign trail, THIS is what I hear. (Cut to James in his Office's kitchen washing the dishes as Bernie Sanders does a campaign speech)

TLOTA: GUYS?!

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): Yeah?

TLOTA: Are you watching a Larry David Bernie Sanders sketch from SNL?

Rebecca Yaun (Audio only): No, it's really Bernie Sanders.

TLOTA: Oh! (Cut to clips of SNL as Larry David portrays Bernie Sanders as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah it is that Damned impressive. SNL may have missed the mark in giving him a break in the beginning of his career but now with this, SNL is glad to have Larry as Bernie and so am I!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) Seinfeld

TLOTA (Voiceover): Just... Just Seinfeld. Larry David's comedic writing and timing combined with Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia-Louis Dreyfuss & Michael Richards take on the world that brought this series to prominence and made it one of the best sitcoms of the 1990's though the finale did piss people off, it doesn't detract from what the series was when it was under Larry David's tenure and it surprises me how it holds up! I still hear people making references to this day! That is just how great and iconic this series

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Oh we all know what's Number one it's "Curb Your Enthusiasm"!

(Cut to clips of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" as "Frolic" by Luciano Michelini plays in the background and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And for good reason, it takes a fictional look at Larry David and how he thinks the world views him. Therein lies the storytelling engine. It's Larry David as himself having to go through things that turn normal people into Mailmen with a lifetime membership to the NRA and how he deals with it and how the mundane is the most hilarious. Even when the real life of Larry David cross sections with the fictional it seems to be hilarious. Especially when it came to the end of both the real and fictional marriage of Larry David and while the final episode (Thus Far) shows how much Larry and the people can take and even after that people still want another season. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: WHY?! I think this is a case where letting sleeping dogs lie is a good thing! How much more can one guy take before he goes cuckoo for cocoa puffs! What else can Larry David do to his fictional self before he decides to flat out become a murderous psychopath. Larry put Larry through the Wringer. (Cut to Renee outside of James' door)

Renee Miller: Did you just say the N-Word? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: For the love of Peat Moss, not again. I SAID WRINGER! WRINGER! NOT THE N-WORD! (Cut to the outside of James' Door where General Anesthetic & Malcolm joins Renee)

General & Malcolm (In unison): Did you say "The N-Word" (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Ugh here I go again, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! RENEE! GENERAL! MALCOLM! (James walks away as the first eight seconds of "Frolic" by Luciano Michelini plays before cutting to black!)