"Descend"ing Slowly Straight to Hell

(In Military Text on a black background the words "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents" before cutting to black & white moments in the movie "Descendants" intercut with blood spatter on a black background as "A Few Of My Favorite Things" before the words "Disney's Descendants" written in blood splatter before continuing with clips from "Descendants" as a stranger played by Nick Yaun does a voiceover)

Stranger (voiceover): I was somewhere in my room in the middle of my bed, when the drugs began to take hold! The strange thing was, I wasn't on any drugs at the time. It was one of the few instances of sobriety at the time and never again shall I return to that nasty realm of reality. (Cut to the stranger dressed like Hunter S Thompson's Raoul Duke played by Nick Yaun.)

Stranger: Because if it was anything like the world I saw well clearly the world of the man totally tripping balls on acid clearly has more sense and logic than that of reality! I'm Raoul Pupe father of Kermit Journalism! I've covered everything from "Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas" to "Where The Buffalo Roam". But today, today I'm here to tell you about a put together trip. It is a trip, I wish never to take again. A trip into Sobriety, I will not lie but it came from a particular place, A Disney Channel Original Movie. A Disney Channel Original Movie I hope never to revisit. A Disney Channel Original Movie that brought out horrid imagery that I hope never to experience again! There is only one Disney Channel Original Movie that could possibly bring out such a horrid trip in anyone is simply known as "Disney's Descendants"! (Cut to the opening credit scene of "Disney's Descendants" as the song "Rotten To The Core" by Sophia Carson plays into the background before cutting to clips of the movie as Raoul Pupe does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Clearly the writers and director have bitten one too many pot brownies than they could chew because there is no story structure or logic that can be obtained from any reasonable sober human being at least let's pray to god there isn't. (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: The fact that this Disney Channel Original Movie is marketed towards kids is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly no child should have to go through this punishment. So let's take the ticket & ride the ride! (Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): So we start off with a traditional Disney Animated Fairy Tale opening with a book that wait what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: What? what? what? what? what? We're only into the opening and this thing makes no sense! How does a book become a tablet?! HOW DOES A BOOK BECOME A TABLET?!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Anyway apparently Beast & Belle married, united all of the kingdoms into the United States Of Auradon....WAIT! (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: United States Of Auradon! SERIOUSLY?! YOU COULDN'T CALL IT THE UNITED KINGDOMS OF AURADON?! Is it that hard to do?!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): They had a boy who looks like Zac Efron and the fairy godmother gave him the gift of the acting like Tommy Wiseau without any his personality who decides before he becomes king to allow four of the kids of the villains who have been banished to The Isle of The Lost to be given a chance to live on Auradon. (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: Oh by the way I forgot to mention that the villains from Disney Fairy Tale based movies have been resurrected and have been forced to live the rest of their days on an Island away from any magic and most modern amenities. Basically they live in the Amish sector of New Jersey! And more importantly HOW DID THEY RESURRECT THESE VILLAINS?! SERIOUSLY?! DID THEY GET THE SPELL FROM ONE OF THE DISCIPLES OF JESUS IF SO I HEAR YOU NEED THIRTY SILVER PIECES TO GET JUDAS?! (Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): After a musical number that makes me feel like I'm in a reptile zoo and the reptiles are high on Crystal Meth! The four kids that have been invited to go to Auradon is the son of Jafar, the son of Cruella DeVille, the daughter of Maleficent and the daughter of Snow White's Evil Queen! The four are taken to Auradon prep via magical limousine! This is crazy! This is madness! This is the opposite of everything sane and normal! And wait! WHAT?! WHAT!?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE THE FAIRY GODMOTHER?! AND SHE HAS A DAUGHTER AS DOES AURORA! (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: WE ARE ENTERING A LEVEL OF MADNESS NO MAN WOULD DREAM HIGH ON LSD & MUSHROOMS WOULD EVER DARE DREAM ABOUT!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): So they go for The Fairy Godmother's wand when.... (Show Musical moment between Mal & Maleficent intercut with Raoul Peup shaking his head in disbelief before cutting back to Raoul Peup doing a voiceover the movie)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): OKAY YOU PEOPLE NEED TO SMOKE LESS WEED THAN I DO BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY ANY SOBER OR SANE PERSON CAME UP WITH THIS MOMENT! Anyway the guard watching over The Fairy Godmother's wand is knocked out and then Jafar's son is an idiot who fouls up the plan so it's back to.... "REMEDIAL HOW TO BE GOOD 101"?!(Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: YOU KNOW IN MY TRAVELS I HAVE SEEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME BELIEVE IN GOOD AND EVIL! YOU CAN NOT TEACH BEING GOOD TO SOMEONE UNLESS YOU ENGRAIN IT IN THEM! (Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): So now they bake a love spell into a cookie so Mal can get close to Beast & Belle's son! WHY?! UNLESS IT'S FILLED WITH ENOUGH HORSE TRANQUILIZERS TO KILL MR. ED I DON'T WANT IT! Any way we discover Jay and Carlos are good at sports and Evie is a genius in chemical science!(Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: OH REALLY CAN YOU PROPERLY RECREATE HEISENBERG'S CRYSTAL METH BECAUSE I NEED IT TO MAKE SANE OF THE INSANE THAT I'M SEEING HERE!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): After winning the big game Ben proclaims his love to Mal and she is embarrassed as he professes his love for her as he sings badly and I'm wondering where my Sugar Cubes laced with Acid is so I can get through this! And WHAT? WHAT?! MULAN HAS A DAUGHTER AND SHE'S GETTING HER HAIR DONE BY MAL?!? (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: THIS MOVIE IS MAKING LESS AND LESS SENSE THE MORE I SEE IT! WHO IS THE NUT IN CHARGE OF THIS NUTHOUSE, I NEED MY HAPPY MEDS!!!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Now we've got...("Be Our Guest" Descedants version plays) WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT ON THIS ORB OF INSANITY IS GOING ON?! Oh it's parent's day and our four big characters parents aren't allowed to be there but OH GOODY the parents and grandparents of the other kids come and chew the four out! And it's coronation day and wait WHAT? HE KNEW ABOUT THE SPELL AND STILL HE FINDS HER INTERESTING?! IS THIS MOVIE INSANE OR IS IT REALLY THIS OUT OF CONTROL ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE WAND AND NOW MALEFICENT IS ON THE LOOSE AND A DRAGON AND NOW SHE'S A LITTLE LIZARD I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND THE MOVIE IS NEAR THE END AND NOW WHAT?! THEY'VE BEEN ACCEPTED AFTER ALL THAT INSANITY! NOW THERE'S DANCING AND IT'S OVER?! IT CAN'T END HERE! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF BAT COUNTRY! (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: You know it's often said by former drug users that it's actually possible to get more high without drugs than you can with them and this movie is chock full of that! (Cut to clips of "Disney's Descendants" playing as the song "Rotten To The Core" by Sophia Carson plays into the background as Raoul Pupe does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Granted there was a few minutes of actual story and character development but god damn this movie is a kick in the balls or a kick in the lady parts of everyone who actually loved the classic Disney Animated Fairy Tale movies. It's a depraved, savage work. A work that tries to shove every trope of Disney's Animated Fairy Tale movies up the ass of anyone until it comes out of their mouths as toxic fumes whistling Zippity-Do-Dah!(Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: So do yourself a favor, get off the ride and get a refund (The sound of the door opens as it cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in the doorway)

TLOTA: You just about done in here? (Cut to Raoul)

Raoul Pupe: Just about! YOUR HEAD IS A HAMBURGER! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Right. Uh listen my team will be here soon and... (Cut to Raoul)

Raoul Pupe: Say no more flying waffle! I'm Raoul Pupe and we're all just freaks in the freak kingdom! (The chorus to "Jumping Jack Flash" by The Rolling Stones plays as Raoul gets up and walks past James and the music ends as a door closes in the background.)

TLOTA: I've got to be more careful with who I let in here. (Cut to an image of James with a gigantic open faced smile as the Losing Horn from "The Price Is Right" plays as a stamp places over the face "APRIL FOOL'S")  

In defense of... Superfriends!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to James in his chair)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to James in his office quarters.)

TLOTA: Do you want to know how I discovered The Justice League, outside of the Comic books? Well...(Cut to the original "Superfriends" intro before cutting to clips of the different seasons of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not I actually watched this series though granted it was in the Syndication market by the time I saw it and it was pared with the Filmation Batman & Superman shorts and my initial reaction was "Wow, this is entertaining." What I didn't know was that there were people who despise it because Superfriends was considered a watered down Justice League. But to be honest if you weren't into Comics, well this was an introduction to those characters. I actually found out about Characters like Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and all the great DC Comics characters. Most of them anyway. But unfortunately Hanna-Barbera had added their own characters especially in the first season with Wendy, Marvin and WonderDog. It's safe to say why they were traded in for the three original characters most associated with this series The Wonder Twins and their Space Monkey Gleek. I'll say this about them, they weren't as annoying as say the likes of Jar-Jar Binks or Shia LaBeouf. But when one can turn into any form of water & all you need is a Sponge to take that one down and seeing as how the other one can become an animal which might be in season. Yeah, pretty lame duo you've got there. Then there is of course Aquaman, I've got nothing against the guy. Yeah, he commands all sea life, he rules the portion of the Earth covered in water, his skin is tougher than steel, he controls water telekinetically, he founded the Justice League, he's stronger than Superman, he can summon Cthulhu! CTHULU! Yet in this series he's comedic fodder. If the guy can summon Cthulhu, I KNOW I'm toast! So yeah while I'm on the subject of heroes being comedic fodder, Yeah I had to talk about how much they severely disrespected the Man Of Steel in this series. Had it not been for network censors I'm willing to bet Doughnuts to Dollars they would've had every single San Francisco & Fire Island Joke come out of Superman's mouth because they had made him a bigger joke than the late night Superman Musical ABC did! But this series was started before Christopher Reeve starred in the Movies that kick started the Renaissance of the Man Of Steel So the people obviously had no other choice but to make Superman the butt of the joke.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So do I hate the Superfriends for making Superman and Aquaman look pathetic when really they're not or for how they misrepresented The Justice League or for the side characters that actually weren't in The Justice League or anything that people have against this series? NO!( Cut to clips of the different seasons of "Superfriends" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I give the series major props for being an introduction to The Justice League in a way The Comics were unable to be. Yes the original characters including "The Wonder Twins" & Gleek were boring, but the later seasons introduced Characters before they were actually deemed cool by the audiences. In the last two series they brought in Darkseid and his crew and for those wondering yes Darkseid is voiced in those series by Frank Welker! And they had brought Cyborg in on the final series voiced by Ernie Hudson Plus they also had some real talent behind the scenes including Alan Burnett, Bob Kane (Yes THE Batman's Creator Bob Kane),  Andrea Romano and so many who would go on to make the DC Characters be done right. So this show should NOT be so easily dismissed. Does the earlier entries in the franchise have it's moments of cheesiness? What series doesn't and the fact it lasted longer than many of the other series during that era must mean it had staying power then as it does today. And if you're as much a fan of this classic series, a good proportion of the series from this time is available on DVD. So if you're a fan you can enjoy it and maybe convince your friend why this series may be as good as you remember it. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion!

The "Bat" of the Present falls as "The Dark Knight Rises"

(A black screen with cracking glass shows pieces of white light before that make up the words “The Last Of The Americans” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m just going to come out and say it. “The Dark Knight Rises” is WORSE than Joel Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin”! (A loud knocking is heard as James walks out of his office as Christopher Nolan’s Batman played by Paulo Fonseca tries to sneak attack James but James fends off Batman as James opens the front door to James office only to see Christopher Nolan’s Bane played by Eric Kurtzke standing there!)

C.N. Batman: BANE!

C.N. Bane: Let us not stand on ceremony here, Mr. Wayne!

TLOTA: FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS! DIDN’T I DECAPITATE YOU!  AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOUR HEAD IS OVER THE DOOR IN MY PRIVATE OFFICE!

C.N. Bane: Oh James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! I survive because of the ideals my character has thanks to Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight Rises”, the greatest Batman movie of all times! Thanks to me!

C.N. Batman: It’s the greatest because it ends my saga with a glorious victory!

TLOTA: And guess what you’re both wrong! Because guess what for all its attempt to be this amazing cinematic masterpiece “The Dark Knight Rises” does everything in its power to be worse than Joel Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin” and trust me when we get to the ending, I’m going to let you know, why your movies FAILED! (Cut to clips of “The Dark Knight Rises” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Whereas Joel Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin” was overly comical, “The Dark Knight Rises” was so overly serious it made itself more of a joke. The dramatic moments are too dramatic, the moments that are meant to be funny doesn’t come off that way & the agendas that Christopher Nolan believe in are forced to the foreground making people forget that the movie we’re supposed to watch an entertaining Batman movie. (Cut to James in the middle of the main lobby between Christopher Nolan’s Bane & Christopher Nolan’s Batman)

TLOTA: So let’s not waste anytime… Well just one moment. ORAC! Delta Level Defense! (James pulls out dual Sonic Screwdrivers and uses them to knock out both Christopher Nolan’s Batman & Bane) This is “The Dark Knight Rises” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins in a faraway land where a terrorist known as Bane played by Tom Hardy has been apprehended as has a Nuclear Physicist in Mid-Flight the lead officer tries to threaten one of the terrorists when… (Cut to Bane “Talking” before cutting to James barricading his office quarters.)

TLOTA: Okay, there is NO way that voice belongs to Bane. (Cut to The Clip of the officer taking off the hood and revealing Bane and he continues to talk before cutting to James in his office.) No! (Cut to every clip of Bane “Talking” in “The Dark Knight Rises” before cutting to James in his office.) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! (Cut to clips of Bane in mid fight with Batman while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay, first off Bane is from South America. WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE SEAN CONNERY’S AUDITION FOR DARTH VADER?! HE SHOULD SOUND LIKE DANNY TREJO WHEN HE’S OUT FOR FREAKING BLOOD! SECONDLY WHAT IS UP WITH THE DESIGN OF THE MASK?! THE DESIGN OF THE MASK IS MEANT TO EVOKE THE LOOK OF A LUCHADOR! THE MASK IN IN THIS MOVIE EVOKES MORE OF A GUY WHO GOT A DUST RESPIRATOR STUCK ON HIM WITH SUPER GLUE AND HE DECIDED TO LEAVE IT ON BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT LOOKED COOL!  JOEL SCHUMACHER'S "BATMAN & ROBIN" ACTUALLY GOT BANE RIGHT IN IT'S DESIGN! (Cut to James sitting on the couch in the main lobby)

C.N. Bane (Audio only): Actually…

TLOTA: ORAC, Delta Level Defense! (James renders C.N. Bane unconscious again) Thank you! While yes, there is an explanation for it but I would rather buy the fact that Donald Trump will be the Republican candidate in this year’s election than Bane’s Explanation as to why he wears that mask! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile we discover that it has been EIGHT years since the events of the finale of “The Dark Knight” and Gotham city has been able to keep the city under control, Bruce Wayne and his alter-ego Batman played by Christian Bale haven’t been seen since then and the mayor is planning on axing Commissioner Gordon played by Gary Oldham because things have been so peaceful. Meanwhile a burglar named Selina Kyle played by Anne Hathaway sneaks into Wayne Manor as a member of the help as she is able not only to get a perfect set of Bruce Wayne’s fingerprints and his mother’s pearls possibly from the night his parents were killed and leave the now hobbled Bruce Wayne wondering what he’s going up against. (Show clip of Selina Kyle jumping out of Wayne Manor’s window and cutting to James on the couch as Selina Kyle being played by Eliza Dushku landing next to James)

TLOTA: Hello!

Selina Kyle: Hello!

TLOTA: ORAC! Delta Level Defense! (James pulls out a sonic screwdriver and knocks out Selina Kyle)

C.N. Batman (Audio only): Why did…?

TLOTA: You know what I need now right, ORAC?

ORAC: Correct. (James pulls out a sonic screwdriver and knocks out C.N. Batman before Cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In the meanwhile, Alfred played once again by Michael Caine tries to tell Bruce that it’s time to let go of Batman and for that matter Alfred wishes Bruce never returned to Gotham. As a matter of fact, we see what Alfred did on his holiday in the seven years while Bruce left on his journey! (Show clip of Alfred on holiday as he narrates and his complaining about how Batman should never have been before cutting to James on the couch.)

TLOTA: So you would’ve rather seen Bruce’s Parent’s Company go public and become a weapons manufacturer, Rachel Dawes continue to fight an uphill battle without hope and Jim Gordon eventually leave the force because 95% of Gotham City’s Police Department is on the take than have Bruce Wayne come back to try to save Gotham? ARE YOU GETTING SENILE IN YOUR ADVANCED AGE OR ARE YOU AN IDIOT?! As a matter of fact, what would’ve happened if she was in this one and what would she have been like in this one since she did nothing but give Bruce grief in the last one. (Cut to Rachel Dawes being played by Traci Hines and C.N. Bruce Wayne played by Paulo Fonseca in Wayne Manor as Rachel gives Bruce grief about Harvey while Bruce Wayne Hobbles to the Piano that leads to the Bat-Cave.)

Rachel Dawes: And I Still can’t believe you did that? What the hell is wrong with you? You were Gotham’s Dark Knight and yet when Harvey was killed you took the blame for everything?! WHY? I would’ve defended you! BUT NO! YOU HAVE TO BE THE MARTYR! YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE EVERYONE CRUCIFIES! YOU HAVE TO BE THE HERO WHO PLAYS THE VILLIAN! YOU’RE NOTHING MORE THAN A STUCK UP, SELF RIGHTEOUS, EGOTISTICAL PILE OF BAT-GARBAGE! (C.N. Bruce Wayne plays the notes to the entrance to the Bat-Cave.) DON’T YOU HIDE IN THAT CAVE OF YOURS, I AM GIVING YOU THE SMACK UPSIDE YOUR EGOTISTICAL HEAD NEEDS BAT-ASSHOLE! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But we have someone who believes in Batman being a hero. John Blake played by one of the coolest people you’ll ever be around Joseph Gordon-Levitt he’s a cop wondering about the truth about what happened eight years ago. Meanwhile Selina gives Bruce’s fingerprints to a man close to a businessman named John Daggett for a scheme to takeover Wayne Enterprises which hasn’t made any profit since Bruce put the kibosh on an idea of some sort of fusion device. Meanwhile on some sort of drill or something like that Commissioner Gordon finds himself captured and nearly killed by Bane who takes some sort of speech Commissioner Gordon had and when John Blake finds the nearly dead Commissioner, he goes to Bruce Wayne to let Bruce Wayne know that about Commissioner Gordon and that John knows Bruce is Batman and couldn’t give a flying bat as to why he’s martyred his other self but afterwards he visits Commissioner Gordon and decides to reclaim the Batman and become Gotham’s Dark Knight once again. Meanwhile Bruce Wayne goes to Wayne Enterprises as Lucius Fox played by Morgan Freeman to wonder why his company has kind of slowed down making money and give Bruce his new ride a pilotable drone Lucius calls “The Bat”.

Lucius Fox: And yes, it comes in Black! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Show of hands who saw that coming? (Everyone in team TLOTA raising their hands and shouting “YO!”) Thought so. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Robo-brace Deus Ex Machina replaces his injuries Bruce is ready to be the Batman once more and in the nick of time as Bane has gone to the Stock Market to cause more chaos and spout more political ideological crap that seems to be in all of Christopher Nolan’s movies as the police chase after Bane, Batman arrives and instead of continuing the chase with Bane Gotham’s finest bar Commissioner Gordon and in this movie John Blake being the rocket scientists they are decide going after Batman instead of the criminal they SHOULD be chasing is a smarter move! (Cut to James pointing to his head!)

TLOTA: That’s the way to use your kidneys! UGH! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After finding a device Bane was using Batman & Catwoman meet as she’s about to eighty-six John Daggett and the two fight off goons which Bane leads but he and Catwoman disappears.

Batman: Huh, so that's what that feels like... (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: And before these schmucks wake up, I’m going to take a break, lock them all into one place before they wake up and hit me with more of Christopher Nolan’s Political ideological bat-crap!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play as the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After returning home Bruce asks Alfred to help him get something to Lucius when from out of nowhere Alfred decides to tell Bruce about Rachel’s letter and says maybe it’s time for the Truth to come out about Harvey. Bruce handles it by firing Alfred. The next day Lucius Fox tells Bruce bad news. He’s broke! That’s right, apparently Bane fraudulently made Stock Options on something that went south and cost Bruce every red cent he has. To protect his company from John Daggett’s He takes and gives control to Miranda Tate played by Marion Cotillard who also helped come up with the fusion device Deus Ex Machina and what do Miranda and Bruce do to celebrate their victory over Daggett’s failed attempt? Hooking up while Bane gives John Daggett a neck full of death! After leaving Miranda at Wayne Manor, Batman goes to meet Catwoman who leads Batman to Bane who much like the comic book persona he is supposed to be more like Batman is beaten then broken. But instead of killing Bruce Wayne for some reason, Bane lets him live and drops him off in a prison half way around the world just so Bruce can watch Gotham City be destroyed! (Cut to James having just tossed a person into his office and he points to his head.)

TLOTA: Real Rocket Skyentist move there, Bane! You REEEEEALY know how to use the kidneys!

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): That the last one?

TLOTA: Yep (Rebecca Yaun walks on screen.)

Rebecca Yaun: Just why did Batman, Bane & Catwoman come here?

TLOTA: Oh to explain why their Ideological political garbage is the reason people should believe Christopher Nolan’s movies and more specifically how he infused his ideological political garbage into Batman and how it supposedly “Made Comic Book movies more real” when in fact when you infuse topical current events you read in the news it doesn’t make it relevant, it dates it. I mean think about it. (Show clips of “Batman Begins”, “The Dark Knight” and Marvel Cinematic Universe Phases one & two while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When Christopher Nolan worked on “Batman Begins” we weren’t on the verge of a collapse we had begun to rebuild after being attacked but by the time “The Dark Knight” hit theaters we were unsure what to do and even though we had begun to stabilize, we had elements of chaos that could’ve destroyed us but we said to ourselves, “We’ve faced bad before and the worse is going to come and we will take it on face first, so let’s not be afraid of what might be and take on what is and what will happen, we’ll take it on then.” But in between the time “The Dark Knight” & “The Dark Knight Rises” Marvel Comics and its Cinematic Universe showed you can be topical and serious and you can be funny at the same time and you don’t have to be glowering in darkness to make a point! So when “Marvel’s The Avengers” hit the big screen we had gone through ups and downs and we were ready to enjoy watching good guys drop bad guys without having Christopher Nolan’s politically ideological garbage forced down our throats! (Cut to James talking to everyone else.)

TLOTA: I think that’s why everyone was so polarized by “Man Of Steel” it was trying to mix what had worked before with their “Christopher Nolan Batman” Movies & What Marvel was doing. But I liked it because it was a fresh take on Superman not because of what the hell every one with a political agenda had to say.

Miranda Tate (Off-Screen & played by Rebecca Yaun): So I am guessing you won’t like what I do in this movie. (Camera pans over to show Miranda Tate played by Rebecca Yaun)

TLOTA (Voice only): Oh for the love of PEAT MOSS! ORAC! (James and everyone save for Traci Hines and Eliza Dushku pull out a sonic screwdriver.) One second. Eliza, Traci search my front right pocket and you’ll find personalized sonic screwdrivers in there. After the first use, you’ll feel a slight pinch, that’s okay it’s locking on to your isometric DNA meaning only you will be able to use it and should anyone who is not you tries to use it will receive a 1.21 gigawatt charge. Uh Eliza, that’s not a Sonic Screwdriver!

Eliza Dushku: Sorry! I guess everyone is right, big things do come in small packages. (Everyone points their Sonic Screwdriver at Miranda Tate as James looks confusedly at Eliza Dushku before shaking the thought out of his head.)

TLOTA: Uh right, Delta Level Defense. (Everyone knocks out Miranda Tate.)

Renee Miller: Now what?

TLOTA: You guys pile her in while I work on the review. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile John Blake discovers construction crews mixing concrete with an explosive chemical but he blows it, Pun intended, as Bane blows up the bridges, kills the mayor and most of both of the football  teams and the field but at least Hines Ward survived, traps off 95% of the police and declares Martial Law on Gotham and kills off the only scientist to turn off the fusion device which has now become a bomb! All while Bruce Wayne is left to try to get back on his feet, while recovering from a blind chiropractor’s attempt to rebuild his back Ra’s Al Ghoul, and for those wondering I pronounce it Rache Al Ghoul, played by Liam Neeson who I’m certain is being paid by the noun and verb lets Bruce know he won’t escape in time to stop Bane's plan. Meanwhile Bane stands outside a prison and wait… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Wait, wait, wait! Let me guess he says the speech Commissioner Gordon had been wanting to say for years and he gives a speech that is full of political ideological garbage! (Cut to a still image of Bane outside of Blackgate prison and the audio of the people from the Town of Rock Ridge shouts “YOU BET YOUR ASS!” from “Blazing Saddles” is heard before cutting to James singing the “Skip It” part of the toy's advertisement jingle before cutting to sped up footage of Bane’s Speech before cutting to the underground prison and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being able to walk again you know after having his back being broken like an egg, Bruce decides to try climb out of that bat hell hole and after failed attempt after failed attempt after failed attempted he finally takes a half step he decided not to take in attempts before and THEN he gets out but he needs all the help he can get to save Gotham including… (Show clip of Selina Kyle being recruited to help save Gotham before cutting to James shake in anger before calming down but still somewhat visibly angered)

TLOTA: I'm not gonna blow my top. But this classic MST3K Clip says it all!(Cut to the clip of Tom Servo screaming in their riffing of the movie "Mitchell" before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WHY IN THE BLUE BLAZES OF HELL AND DAMNATION IS HE TRUSTING THE PERSON WHO SOLD HIM DOWN THE RIVER TO BANE JUST TO SAVE HER CAT-BACKSIDE?! IS HE REALLY THAT FREAKING STUPID OR IS THE MOVIE NOT EVEN TRYING TO MASK HOW BIG A MORON HE IS?! ARGH! At this point, Commissioner Gordon and several officers who have been in hiding is discovered by Bane and brought to be punished by Dr. Johnathan Crane A.K.A. The Scarecrow played by Cillian Murphy who by this point is just there because he needs an extra payday because let's face it he was useless throughout the entire trilogy and was just there.The Scarecrow sentences them to die by falling over thin ice when surprise! surprise! Batman is back, he has a “Plan” and I put the word “Plan” in quotation marks because it’s not really a plan more or less Bruce Wayne just flying by the seat of his Pants by his bat farts and has no real thought out idea on how to do things intellectually even though Batman & Bruce Wayne are supposedly smart enough to outsmart the villain but whatever Batman enlists John Blake to get people out of Gotham and he gets a lot of the police out of being captive and he allows Selina Kyle to use his bat-pod to blow open a hole wide enough to get the rest of the police out of the tunnels under Gotham and with the last 12 hours before Gotham is turned into a smoldering crater an epic brawl ensues and guess who fight again?! That’s right, Batman and Bane duke it out and as Batman ACCIDENTALLY hits a nodule to his mask that keeps Bane going. Taking advantage of Bane’s disadvantage in order to stop the bomb and the triggerman Bane said was amongst the citizens of Gotham in a twist that even M. Night Shaymalan would consider lame the one Batman trusted the most in this movie, the one person he gave control of his company to turns out to be the leader of this whole operation. Miranda Tate AKA Talia Al Ghoul! (Cut to an image of M. Night Shaymalan and an animated mouth saying “UH No! Even I know that's lame!” voiced by John Ross Santos before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Talia tells Batman that Bane was her protector in that prison Bruce was imprisoned in for six months Talia presses the button and nothing happened, Why? Because Batman gave Commissioner Gordon a Deus Ex Machina that scrambles the frequency of the trigger and then THANKFULLY after listening to what feels like a Bat-Eternity of Bane’s Politically charged Ideological garbage Selina Kyle hits Bane with a hundred millimeter round out of the Bat-Pod demolishing Bane once and for all. But wait the Bomb is still in play and The remaining few thugs loyal to Talia and Talia herself are planning to blow Gotham off the map because according to Talia it’s what her father would’ve wanted. (Audio of James groaning over the movie as it cuts to James continuing to groan physically.)

TLOTA: So you mean to tell me YEARS after Gotham had been saved by Batman from Ra’s Al Ghoul’s first plan to destroy it. Talia, Ra’s’ daughter plans on just leveling Gotham because it was what her dad wanted? NO! YOU CANNOT RECYCLE PLOT IDEAS FROM YOUR OWN PAST MOVIES THAT DIDN’T WORK THEN TRY TO DO THE SAME THING AGAIN AND HOPE THAT IT WORKS A SECOND TIME BECAUSE IF IT DIDN’T WORK THE FIRST TIME AND EVERYONE SAID IT DIDN’T WORK AND YOU TRY YEARS LATER AND PEOPLE SAID IT DIDN’T WORK THE FIRST TIME SO WHY DID HE DO THIS AGAIN, THE GUY IS A HACK! THE GUY IS WORSE THAN MICHAEL BAY!

C.N. Batman (Audio only): CHRISTOPHER NOLAN IS A GENIUS!

TLOTA: I’m turning around now, unless it’s Paulo playing a trick, I’m going to be inundated with Political Ideological garbage from... Of Course. (James turns his head to the right before turning towards the audience before C.N. Batman punches James in his face and James falls on his backside spitting out blood.)

TLOTA: How did you get out?

C.N. Batman: I’M BATMAN!

TLOTA: Where’s my team? (Cut to an image of everyone on Team TLOTA trapped in James’ business office.)

Eliza Dushku: So anyone got their sonic screwdriver? (Everyone else whistles while Eliza Dushku curses in Albanian and pulls out her Sonic Screwdriver before cutting to the movie while James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as you can guess Batman and Catwoman fight off all of Talia’s henchmen as they “attempt” to stop her and get the fusion bomb device and and when I say attempt I mean stop the smaller forces, kill Talia and Batman decides to take the bomb as far as he could in his hover flyer before it blows up taking out Gotham and drives it into the middle of the water but close enough to Gotham so he could see it but far enough to not have the bomb affect Gotham and so Batman dies the way he wanted to a Pariah that in the end was actually the hero. (Cut to James & Christopher Nolan’s Batman physically in mid battle.)

TLOTA: I’d say something witty but I’m kind of in the middle of something!

C.N. Batman: I WILL STOP YOU AND YOUR HUMOR! (Batman attempts to roundhouse kick James but he rolls under Batman’s leg.)

TLOTA: Seriously, being too serious isn’t working in your favor!

C.N. Batman: AND BEING SILLY AND SHOWING WHO I AM IN THE LIGHT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE CRIMINALS FEAR ME?! BEING DARK AND BROODING IN THE SHADOWS IS WHAT MAKES SOMEONE A TRUE HERO UNTIL EVERYDAY PEOPLE CAN LOOK TO THEMSELVES AND SAY THAT EVERYTHING IS AS RIGHT AS IT SHOULD BE, NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, NO FORGIVENESS IN THE DARKNESS BECAUSE I AM IN THAT DARKNESS, I AM THE ONE WHO WILL SCARE THE LIGHT AWAY, I AM BATMAN!!!!!!

Team TLOTA (synchronized & off-screen): OH SHUT UP! (Camera pans over to Team TLOTA.)

Eliza Dushku: Every little rant about James being funny makes you one wicked stupid Batman! FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS BAT FOR BRAINS! (Cut to the ending while everyone on team TLOTA does a voiceover)

Eliza Dushku (Voiceover): Even with the heartfelt reading from “A Tale of Two Cities” Commissioner Gordon says at Bruce Wayne’s “Funeral”.

Traci Hines (Voiceover): Even with Alfred feeling sorry for himself for failing Bruce’s parents for protecting their son.

Renee Miller (Voiceover): Even with John Blake…Oh I’m sorry ROBIN John Blake quitting the force and being given the external directions to the Bat-Cave in order to pick up where Bruce left off.

Rebecca Yaun (Voiceover): Even with Commissioner Gordon having commissioned a Statue to pay tribute to the Batman and by a miracle receiving a sign that although the first Batman “died” Batman will live on.

Paulo Fonseca (Voiceover): Even with Wayne Manor becoming a home for at risk youth.

John Ross Santos (Voiceover): Even by some miracle Bruce Wayne was able to come up with a software patch to “The Bat” in order to fake his death.

Mike Santos (Voiceover): Even with Alfred discovering sometime down the road that Bruce survived his brush with death…

Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): And somehow him and Selina Kyle hooking up. The facts are simple when it comes to this movie. (Cut to Everyone at team TLOTA including James on one side and C.N. Batman on the other.)

C.N. Batman: This movie the greatest Batman movie ever!?

TLOTA: Uh No, On three everyone. One, Two, Three!

TLOTA & Team TLOTA (Unified): THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST BATMAN MOVIE EVER! (Cut to clips of “The Dark Knight Rises” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The acting is decent at best. But as for the rest of it let's fact is you missed the mark. The Story is overly political and lame to boot and with the exception of Gary Oldham as Commissioner Gordon & Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Blake everyone else is either too over the top even by "Batman & Robin" Standards or they downplay what could've been great performances, Even  old school Batman actors like Adam West, Michael Keaton. Val Kilmer & Kevin Conroy admit Christian Bale never really got Batman. Yes, Batman is dark but the way it’s shown here it’s like he never wants to see the light of day ever again. When in contrast to other performers, Christian Bale just seemed like he never got to get room to breathe his own breath into Batman and became a mouthpiece to Christopher Nolan’s political and social ideology and the movies just seemed to focus on that and that weakens Batman and the characters around him. The Story falls flat on its own backside; the acting is good but then there is Tom Hardy’s Bane who sounds and looks ridiculous as he tries to force out Christopher Nolan’s thoughts on the world and if Bennett The Sage hated how much “Batman Returns” was Tim Burton’s viewpoint on the world this movie is how much Christopher Nolan wants the world to be and if he wants it that way, well then I want off this rock! (Cut to Everyone at team TLOTA including James on one side and C.N. Batman on the other.)

TLOTA: And if my back was against the wall, Yes, I’d rather watch “Man Of Steel” than your overly political, overly ideological, overly stupid pile of Bat-Crap! Why? Because it showed how much respect Zack Snyder had for Superman, is it perfect? No but at least Zack Snyder kind of held Christopher Nolan at Bay long enough for him to give Superman a personality before getting into the political and social ideological agenda.

Christopher Nolan (played by Nick Yaun Audio only): Which is why I made Zod sound the way he did! (Camera zooms to the front door to see Christopher Nolan played by Nick Yaun)

Christopher Nolan: I always need a politically charged rivals because that is what drives the world, Politics. It is what made Batman and what will keep me atop the a-list of movie makers until I am seen as a filmmaking legend. Because I am the man who saved Batman and I am the man who will keep making movies the way I want and people will continue to see it. (Cut to James and Team TLOTA)

TLOTA: NO! Everything you’ve said through Batman & your characters in this “Dark Knight Trilogy” is wrong and Bass ackwards! (Cut to clips of Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): By making movies that remain politically charged you find yourself pigeonholing your scope and range. By repeating the same tropes, you make people find more flaws in what you make. By keeping yourself in the mind frame that you’re infallible even though your returns aren’t what they used to be, you find less people wanting to see or look at your work. It’s by changing with the times and adapting your views to those changes that keeps you from finding yourself from wondering when everyone left you. Does that mean you have to change your vision of things you’ve done in the past to adapt them to the present and Future times? Not really. But sticking to your guns for too long eventually will cause you to win battles and lose wars. (Cut to James and Team TLOTA physically)

TLOTA: So it’s simple, you die with a “Batman & Robin” or you live long enough to become a worse joke than that. (Cut to Christopher Nolan chuckling.)

Christopher Nolan: You get it! You actually get it! You get my views on the world. (Cut to James and Team TLOTA)

TLOTA: No, what I got is that you think that everything you say now will have depth fifty years down the line. They won’t! I could make references to my past in my present and future reviews in every last one. I could make a nod to “The Wicked” or Caliverti or hell talk about Lea Michele or even something like some past relationship I hope happened but never came to fruition but I don’t. I live in the present and focus on making a better future for not only myself but for my nieces and all of my family. It’s the changes I hope will come that make me believe in Superman. But even he has limits so when I need someone who can be the lone knight that will make heroes stand up and keep them honest. I know who that one is. It’s Batman! NOT Christopher Nolan’s Batman!

(Cut to C.N. Batman & Christopher Nolan getting ready to attack)

C.N. Bane (Off-Screen): Stop! (Cut to every other Christopher Nolan Batman character.)

C.N. Bane: Whilst we were incarcerated we checked out what James was talking about and sad to say he is right. We have become worse jokes than what Joel Schumacher has done. Perhaps it is time that we need to be seen from a different perspective.

C.N. Selina Kyle: He’s right, a lot of people look and see us and laugh as if we were meant to parody everything Batman has become.

(Cut to C.N. Batman & Christopher Nolan)

Christopher Nolan: Do all of you believe that? (Cut to James and team TLOTA nodding up & down before cutting to C.N. Batman & Christopher Nolan)

Christopher Nolan: Perhaps maybe I should let Zack Snyder have more say and give David Goyer less. Will that satisfy you? (Cut to James and team TLOTA)

TLOTA: As long as “Superman vs Batman Dawn Of Justice” isn’t going to be as bad as everyone hopes it will be. I will be fair about it. (Cut to C.N. Batman & Christopher Nolan)

Christopher Nolan: I hope you do enjoy it. (James & Christopher Nolan shake hands)

TLOTA: Shall I escort you and your associates out the door.

Christopher Nolan: Thank you.

(Everyone walks outside of James’ office as a signal of the American Flag rises into the sky as The Finale from the 1989 Batman Movie plays in the background.)

Christopher Nolan: What is that?

TLOTA: My signal! Someone out there needs my thoughts and my opinions on everything out there. You guys ready to do your part? (Everyone at team TLOTA nod their head to say yes before cutting to James at the entrance.)

TLOTA: Well, then, It’s time to get to work. (Cut to James and Team TLOTA emerging from the shadows and pulling out Megaforce Morphers and inserting their own cards with their own stats done by Stevie Swiggart and Powering up into a battle ready form as they walk on the rooftop of James’ office building as the wind blows in their faces as camera rises over the team to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky.)

Reality Checkout: Reality Romance

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: Ah February, So many things happen in this short yet cold month. We're hit with heavy snow every which way from Sunday thanks to the most hated Groundhog on the second of this month, The Super Bowl which disappointed me and of course the one day every person who is single has to roll their eyes and decide to crawl into a bottle and not come out until the 21st of March. That's right, VALENTINE'S DAY! And with it comes not only a glut of bad Romantic movies on The Hallmark Channel  and on certain other channels but a glut of one form of reality show that gets my blood so hot with anger I could boil a pot of water with my forehead!(Cut to clips of Reality Romantic series past and present as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I have made my thoughts on The Romantic Comedy Movie Genre clear and I stand by the rebukes on the Genre I made to this day and my associate The Rowdy Reviewer has made his rebukes on the Reality TV clear as well and even he admitted in his review on the Reality TV Genre that the romantic reality series which pretty much is all crap and how he could've stocked the entire review on clips from the Reality Romance Genre! Shows like "The Bachelor", "The Bachelorette","Joe Millionaire","Are You The One?", "Average Joe", "For Love Or Money", "The Bachelor Pad", "NeXt","Dating In The Dark" and so many other series have pretty much trivialized everything about trying to fall in love. It's become pretty much for guys looking for love: "Guy sees pretty Girls, Guy sees which ones will be the one who'll give him the least amount of headaches that'll cause boy to cause him to take a trip OFF the Empire State Building, Guy finds that one. Lather, Rinse, Repeat! Or in the case of the Girl looking for love: "Girl is stuck with 1 good looking guy SHE WANTS & a house full of what she thinks are rejects even though those "rejects" would walk buck-naked, barefoot and backwards through all nine levels of Dante's Inferno with a smile on their faces just to get girl, girl slowly but surely tosses rejects out making them feel inferior and thus to feel better take the same trip off the Empire State building the guy from the male version of this idea from the guy's perspective of his romantic failure in this genre, Guy she chose turns out to be a douchebag, she walks away heartbroken and again Lather, Rinse, Repeat" (Cut to clips of Unreal as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is what the series "Unreal" with Shiri Appleby and Arielle Kebbel parodies and demolishes the smoke and mirrors of this genre of Reality TV. Every last stupid ounce of this Romantic Reality series formula which is revealed to be more processed than American Cheese. Which makes me question how desperate are the people in this Genre truly are. Have we become so ambivalent to our sense of decency that we'd go out on these things, make gigantic asses of ourselves and hopefully be rewarded with Mr. or Ms. Right? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know what? This whole Romantic Reality Genre is really one of the oldest ones in the book! (Cut to clips of "The Dating Game", "Love Connection", "Blind Date" & "Singled Out" and other classic dating shows while James does a Voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shows like "The Dating Game" worked on blind dating in a unique way. They couldn't see one physically couldn't see one another and had to hope for the best. Which was a formula that worked well when MTV did their own version with "Singled Out" but there was a difference between those shows The Dating Game they had to tell the person about their personality and who they were as human beings. When "Singled Out" did it, they practically dumped a whole Sorority or Fraternity House who were hot yet desperate and threw the poor guy or girl who was in college that wouldn't have touched them with a ten foot pole and basically debase themselves for that date. Which I think may have become the basis of the new generation of this Genre. Then there was a revamp done with the formula BEFORE "Singled Out" with "Love Connection" a Dating series in which three people go for a video date confessional, the audience chooses who they want her to hook up and how the date either was good or if everything they went through was a waste of time. Then there was "Blind Date" which tried to take two people and throw them into a date with often disastrous results! (Cut to James physically as he sighs, grabs a bottle of Aspirin and takes out two of them, swallows them and washes them down with a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider then sighing)

TLOTA: And just when you think they possibly couldn't go any lower. They seem to find a way to be six inches away from breaking though into China and STILL FIND A WAY TO HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL! (Cut to clips of  "Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" and other Romantic Wedding centered Reality series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):OH YES! THEY ACTUALLY HAVE ROMANTIC REALITY SERIES CENTERED ON MARRIAGE! Shows like "Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?", "Married by America" and others just seem to throw conventions out the window! The premise of this level of hell is simple discovers what goes on with people getting married. But when controversy is thrown into the mix with these type of series makes me realize people who want equal rights to be married has got nothing better to do! Then there is the one series that somehow has found itself to have survived on it's controversy! "Married At First Sight" which throws two people brought together by "Experts" on the day they meet as their wedding day! Now I am not against religious or family traditions or the like that have Arraigned Marriages but at least with that the couple getting married have a bit of history. This series itself just thrives on the "Experts" and their experiments hopefully working and as of this post only two of the couples have tried to stick it out! TWO! Out of nine couples in the three seasons it's been on so far that this series has had TWO out of The NINE COUPLES continue forth. As of this post the couples in this season seem to be joining the four previous couples to be divorced! So the odds are more in favor of  me winning a Billion dollar Powerball Lottery, The Cubs winning The World Series and The New York Jets winning The Super Bowl than the couples in this series sticking it out for the long run, that is how bad this whole sham "Experiment" is.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I know I might sound like a curmudgeon but the truth is, I'm not bitter, I'm exhausted from everything I've been through and everything that has had a negative impact on me in my personal life, especially when I have had nothing but bad luck on Valentine's Day and it gets me foaming at the mouth in anger and seeing all these shows hammer in these people who give up their dignity, their self respect, their decency all for the sake of someone who might not give them the time of day after their experience is possibly the WORST THING HUMANITY HAS EVER BROUGHT UPON ITSELF! IF THIS DOESN'T SCREAM WE SHOULD BE WIPED OFF THE MAP! THEN BY GOD, SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS WHOLE THING NOT JUST CHECKOUT OF TELEVISION BUT CHECKOUT OF EXISTANCE! So I guess it's up to me and my friends. (Cut to a green screened pic of a prison with an electric chair and in the electric chair is a body filled with reality romance series as James, John Santos and Mike Santos dressed as guards.)

Guard (James): Roll on one! (Cut to Eric Kurtzke switching on the electricity to the room before cutting to James) Reality Romance TV you have been condemned to die by a jury of Internet Reviewers sentence imposed by a judge in good standing with the Internet. (John Santos puts a black cloth over the head, James leaves the sponge dry and places it over the black cloth and Mike connects the electrical element) Reality Romance TV electricity shall now pass through your body until you are dead in accordance with Internet law, God have mercy on your soul. (Clock on wall strikes ten as Mike sees something)

Guard (Mike): The Sponge is dry!

Guard (John): James wants it as painful as possible!

Guard (James): ROLL ON TWO! (Eric pulls the switch as Reality Romance TV Screams in pain and agony it cuts to Nick Yaun whooping and hollering like "Wild Bill" in "The Green Mile in a prison cell before cutting to the Reality Romance TV body continue to be in excruciating pain before being ignited with Blue flames and drops dead) KILL IT! (James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the flames out before cutting to James dressed as normal in his office quarters.)

TLOTA: Now I feel better. Now to watch my usual movies I watch around this time. "Splash" & "Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm". Next time, I'm going after something with Batman's involvement in it that's worse than "Batman & Robin" I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

The Different Cuts of The "Bat" from "Beyond"

(Opening credits from “Batman Beyond” play as it puts in place of the word “Apathy” the word “Movies” at the 0:08 mark of the Opening credits before continuing on with the on to the word replacing the word “Greed” with the word Television before cutting to the Batman Beyond opening credits until James’ dad’s disappointing face appears and at the 0:13 mark of the credits is James smiling mug before seeing James in all the places of Terry McGinnis’ Batman as the words “Batman Beyond” is replaced with the word Americans in the back and up front is The Last Of The before the opening credits continue until it ends and the words “The Different Cuts” is seen then cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In 1999 Warner Brothers Animation after finishing their Batman & Superman animated series wanted Bruce Timm to produce the series “Batman Beyond” set in the year 2039 the series showed an aged Bruce Wayne performed again by Kevin Conroy having retired from being Batman pass on his mantle of being Batman to Terry McGinnis voiced by Will Friedle. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Will Friedle? Hmm, where have I heard that name before? (Cut to a clip of “Boy Meets World” in which Eric sets Cory’s dorm room on fire! Before cutting to clips of Batman Beyond while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right the guy who played the lovable goofball known as “Eric Matthews” on the series “Boy Meets World” voiced a futuristic Dark Knight! I wonder what else he did after “Batman Beyond”. (Cut to clips of both Kim Possible as Ron Stoppable and “Thundercats” 2011 as Lion-O before cutting back to clips of Batman Beyond while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh yeah, forgot about those. The show was incredible. The animation style mixed Cyberpunk, Anime with Bruce Timm’s character design to give Kids WB a standout series in what seemed to be a decent line-up of animated series. (Cut to promo image of “Pinky, Elmyra and The Brain”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That series was terrible, Watch Rowdy’s review of it on “TV Trash”! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But believe it or not, there was a straight to DVD movie that for me what served as a bit of a connecting moment between the Batman Animated Series and Batman Beyond and ended the DC Universe’s run on Kids WB. That of course being “Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker” (Cut to the title of “Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker” before cutting to clips of “Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker” while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It was alright and I kind of found of the movie entertaining but I didn’t know until years later that the movie I did see was edited because of Columbine and I eventually did see the unedited version and while it was better there was enough for me to ask which cut was better, The Warner’s cut or The uncut version. Let’s find out in another edition of “The Different Cuts”.  (Show James, Paulo & Rebecca dressed as butchers grabbing the same reel of film and a diagram of the reel of film. James Paulo & Rebecca look at both the three go to a meat slicer, all three slice different thicknesses with Paulo’s cut saying “The” James’s cut saying “Different” and Rebecca’s cut saying “Cuts” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: There’s gonna be a few changes from how I do this usually but not at the beginning so let’s start at where it actually is the same, slightly, first off with, the plot. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “The Plot” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After having been gone for some time The Joker returns to see a new Gotham for him to turn into his chaotic slaughterhouse of fun and apparently a new Batman to make Bonkers for Bat-Balls. But which one uses this plot better? In the Warner Cut they go into depth as to what happened but they had to limit how far they went as I said already this cut happened because of Columbine the Warner’s cut had to remove anything as to how he died and had to limit the amount of the heavier materials like how The Joker died. In fact, they barely said anything about how he died. But in the uncut version, Terry assumed Bruce’s Batman had to kill him when later it was revealed that it was Tim Drake’s Robin who killed the Joker. But I’ll get into those details later with the editing. But for now both versions get the point because we do get to see the moments that eventually bridged the 1990’s Batman Animated Series to Batman Beyond and both did a great job of telling a portion of the Batman tale that possibly happened after The Justice League Cartoon series and before this movie and this series. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Point goes to both versions.

(Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with one Batman insignia on it & the uncut version with one Batman insignia on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And now this is where I would talk about the editing but I think that’ll have to wait until before I talk about the Re-Watch Factor and of course the next portion of this review, The Cast and Characters (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “Cast & Characters” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Cast in both cuts are great and the characters they performed. While Tara Strong was amazing as a younger Barbara Gordon/Batgirl while Angie Harmon was great as an older Barbara Gordon who just like her father, became the Gotham Police Commissioner. Then we have of course the two most iconic voices from Batman mythos. Kevin Conroy is always the first name I think of when I think of the voice of Batman in general and of course Mark “Luke Skywalker” Hamill as not only The Joker but as what many a bat fan has theorized is a relative or descendent of The Joker Jordan Price instead of the red herring he was claimed to be by the producers. Then there is Dean Stockwell if you remember him as “Al” from “Quantum Leap” then congrats on being as much a TV Geek as I am. Dean plays the voice of the Older Tim Drake who if people remember the last couple of seasons of The Batman Animated Series Tim Drake was the character who replaced the Dick Grayson version of Robin. But that’s to name just a few of the names in the cast. So which version performed better? While yes technically they are the same cast their performances differ slightly especially when we hear Terry’s backstory as to why he became Batman in the first place. (Cut to Terry telling Bruce Wayne his backstory before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well obviously you’re out to make up for your troubled past by becoming a costumed vigilante. That’s like me having to rewrite the Space Time Continuum in order to make sure a monster doesn’t take the office of President. Oh wait… (Cut back to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But the point worthy cut is the uncut edition. Why? Two words Michael Rosenbaum!  Who is he? Well outside of his Walken-Esque Performance as “Ghoul” in this special and an episode of “Justice League Unlimited”, he’s been in many a performance in the DC Universe including Wally West in the Justice League series, he was Deadshot, Deadman and probably his most notable performance in the DC Universe as Lex Luthor in a certain other series. (Cut to clips of Lex Luthor in “Smallville” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, he was in “Smallville”. I watched and thought it was Okay at best and I really liked the Series Finale! But I digress, point goes to the uncut edition. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with one Batman insignia on it & the uncut version with two Batman insignias on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So the uncut edition is ahead two to one but when we return we’ll see where they differ greatly and if The Warner’s Cut can make a comeback in a big way.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play as the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review.)

TLOTA: Now let’s get into where the two are greatly different and where the spoilers are a plenty in the editing!

(Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “Editing” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is where the movie is as different as night and day and here is where we go into Spoilers territory. The Warner’s cut has different dialogue, no blood, death is implied but never said outright as a matter of fact the deaths are as different as day & night as well. Bonk’s death in the Warner’s cut is him getting hit with a heavy and lethal dose of the Joker’s laughing gas as opposed to how Bonk buys the farm in the uncut version. Heck the way The Joker meets his end is as different. In the uncut version Robin having been warped and twisted into being a Joker Mini-Me shoots the joker with his own gun. But in the Warner’s cut, The Mini-Joker Robin shows that Robin is still inside and still fighting The Joker’s reprogramming and shoves The Joker into a backroom filled with water and live electrical wiring and as we all know water and electricity equals in the case of The Joker well…. (Show clip of Joker screaming in pain as he’s being electrocuted off screen as Batgirl hears it.) Yeah a painfully excruciating way to pay the piper and I could go on forever but I suggest you check out the Wikipedia page to discover all the differences. So which cut was better? Well it depends on how you want to see the Joker die. Me personally I liked how the death was implied in the Warner cut over actually seeing it in the uncut version. Seeing him die from a gunshot wound was kind of underwhelming and I think this is where the Warner’s cut shine it allowed for more suspense. Now don’t get me wrong seeing a more mature Batman Beyond was great but here’s the thing even at its most intense while it was rated TV-Y7 was more mature than the uncut version of Return Of The Joker. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Point goes to the Warner’s cut. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with two Batman insignias on it & the uncut version with two Batman insignias on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: We’re tied up and now we’re on to the deciding factor, The Re-watch Factor! (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “The Re-Watch Factor” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is where things are probably the MOST different. After watching the uncut version, you understand why Warner Brothers reedited the movie. Sometimes going down the safer route is the better way. Now don’t get me wrong the uncut version is great but after a while seeing the Joker die in such an underwhelming death in the uncut version is pretty boring. So when Barbara said “We buried The Joker deep under Arkham” after hearing The Joker’s screams of death. Even the audience wasn’t sure if after being buried if he was still alive or wonder how he survived. So it adds to the mystery is it truly The Joker or is it someone else continuing on taking on the mantle. But which cut makes the grade? Well if you want to see the cut some people consider better because it was the original idea. Well then that’s your prerogative. Me personally as much as I like The Uncut version, I have to give The Warner’s version it’s just due. It just feels darker than the uncut version and it also moves at a better pace than the uncut version. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So the superior cut is “The Warner’s Cut” of Batman Beyond Return Of The Joker. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with three Batman insignias on it & the uncut version with two Batman insignias on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well I hope… (Static breaks the feed before cutting to a completely dark hole with no light whatsoever.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: I knew you were coming I just can’t seem to see you right now. (Cut to the dark hole with no light whatsoever that’s supposed to be the Batcave.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): SERIOUSLY?! I’M STICKING OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: No, you’re not! (Cut to the dark hole with no light whatsoever that’s supposed to be the Batcave.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca):  Oh well, let me fix that! (Two seconds of grunting and nothing has changed.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): HOW ABOUT NOW? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Did you hit the on switch? (Cut to the dark hole with no light whatsoever that’s supposed to be the Batcave.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): WHAT KIND OF FOOL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?! OF COURSE I HIT THE ON SWITCH! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Allow me! (James pulls out a sonic screwdriver as we cut to the batcave now properly lit and The Christopher Nolan Batman now played by Paulo Fonseca recoiling in fear and groaning in agony.)

C.N. Batman: TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS! THE LIGHT HURTS THE FACT THAT MY DARKNESS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS TRAIT! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Oh really? I thought your best trait is supposedly to be on par with famous fictional and realistic detectives? (Cut to The Christopher Nolan Batman)

C.N. Batman: STOP WITH THE HUMOR! STOP BEING FUNNY! HUMOR MUST NEVER BE IN A COMIC BOOK FILM! ONLY TOPICAL EVENTS THAT WILL REMAIN RELEVANT TEN YEARS AFTER IT BECOMES HISTORY IS WHAT’S NECESSARY IN COMIC BOOK FILMS AS WELL AS BROODING IN DARKNESS AND IT CULMINATES WITH HEROES ENDING UP AS MARTYRS SO PEOPLE CAN RISE UP AND BE MARTYRS FOR THEIR OWN CAUSES JUST LIKE IN THE EPIC MASTERPIECE “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES”! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Well what a predicament you’re in because guess what, next time, I’m going after “The Dark Knight Rises” and guess what in one review I will take you down and show that your magnum opus is a magnum anal evacuation that shows how far down you have taken DC Comics AND how far you’ve fallen. So take me on if you dare! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND THAT’S MY OPINION!

Is "Batman & Robin" really that bad?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As I sat through all the Batman movies for research on which movies I planned on reviewing I knew I'd have to talk about Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" (Cut to opening credit of "Batman & Robin" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And believe it or not this was THE first Batman movie I saw in theaters and I enjoyed it as a matter of fact I thought it was one of the better movies outside of Titanic & Men In Black but apparently it got one hell of a lambasting from the critics but it did make it's money back so obviously people watched it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So if people watched it and the movie made it's money back for Warner Brothers though technically it was in the foreign market and in the then burgeoning DVD market why is it considered bad?(Cut to clips of "Batman & Robin" and the previous "Batman" movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I think a lot of it came from the fact that it was rushed. Because it was in 1986 that the first "Batman" movie was in Pre-Production and didn't come out until three years later becoming one of the best "Batman" movies ever. The Sequel "Batman Returns" didn't get released until 1992 three years after the first one. Then in 1995 three years after "Batman Returns" did we get "Batman Forever" but then two years after that did we get "Batman & Robin". So obviously they were working with somethings about the characters and the story and the plot that was obviously incomplete. Like the fact instead of it being Barbara Gordon being Batgirl, It was Alfred's "Niece" and I put those quotation marks because Barbara Wilson played by Alicia Silverstone while wasn't bad as Batgirl left something to be desired when it came to the role because A) Alicia Silverstone didn't try to hide her American Accent with something closer to Alfred's actor Michael Gough and his accent & B) She didn't feel a part of anything involving anything with The Dynamic Duo until the third act, up until then it was like a five second moment trying to give depth to her and nothing came from it. Then we have the problems with Robin. He sounds like he's trying to make certain points about how the partnership between the two isn't working well. I know the gag is this bit from the Nostalgia Critic's review of this when it comes to him trying to be heard makes him less of a character and more of a whiney pansy, but when Batman doesn't explain why he's acting the way he does because of the experiences he had in both the Tim Burton movies of course Batman is gonna look like a bat-dick and while I'm on the subject of Batman himself, as I stated before in my "In Defense of ...Bat-Fleck" episode George Clooney wasn't a bad choice to play the Dark Knight, he was just underutilized. He didn't play Batman as a dark figure but I think at that point he wasn't at least George Clooney didn't think Batman was as Dark a figure as he was in the first movies but he should've been more of a mentor or teacher to Robin so he could've avoided the pitfalls of falling for an enemy like when Bruce fell for Selina Kyle in Batman Returns but neither of them found out their alter-egos until the middle of the third act. But instead he became condescending towards Robin and questioned everything he did because it wasn't how he would've handled it. But there is a positive to his performance, he was introspective when it came to his past. He wasn't haunted by his parents murder rather he was inspired to be better and do better to save Gotham both as Bruce Wayne as a Philanthropic person and as Batman when he puts on the cape and cowl and takes down the bad guys and speaking of them we have Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Poison Ivy played by Uma Thurman who probably knew the movie wasn't good but they decided to do their best with what they had though I do wish they had tone down the Ice Puns with Mr. Freeze and I did hope Uma Thurman would've sound less whiny than Robin but that's while she was trying to ram her eco-terroristic views down everyone's throats while also trying to seduce people. Another problem the production had was too many opinions and not enough people saying no as I found out in Oliver Harper's reviews The People running the toy line wanted a whole lot of costumes and vehicles for characters which I think explains all the costumes Poison Ivy had as well as the way the Batmobile and everything other vehicle in this movie looked like a something a little kid would have. If Joel Schumacher had the stones to say if you're interested in your own way of doing this, I would be glad to hand the reigns over to you but since I'm the director I'm doing it the way I wanted to. Which leads me to the next problem of this movie Joel Schumacher instead of standing up with a vision and a story to tell he had a cluster of too many cooks in his kitchen which lead to him apologizing throughout his commentary track on the movie and he also let us know he screwed the pooch in his own way when it came to making this movie! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: So is "Batman & Robin" really that bad? Not really.(Cut to clips of "Batman & Robin" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It's not one of the worse movies I've ever seen, in fact I'd rather watch "Batman & Robin" than some of the movies I've seen and reviewed, it's not the worst comic book movie adaptation, I've seen way, way, way worse Comic book adaptations than "Batman & Robin" (Cut to the DVD Cover of Seth Rogen's "Green Hornet" and James says "HINT! HINT!" before cutting to clips of "Batman & Robin" as James continues his voiceover) it is not the worst Batman movie I've seen, trust me there is one to which I have NOTHING Positive to say about. As for "Batman & Robin" there are some positives I have yet to mention to come out of this movie for example the soundtrack and the orchestral soundtrack was aggressively enjoying. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And then there is this moment in the Nostalgia Critic's review (Cut to The moment in The Nostalgia Critic's review of "Batman & Robin" in which Poison Ivy shouts out "CURSES!" And it then cuts to The Nostalgia Critic "GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE!  THEY DID IT! THEY FINALLY DID IT! BATMAN HAS DRIVEN ME BAT-SHIT CRAZY!" (Nostalgia Critic goes bonkers for Banana balls) before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: What did you expect? Me to use the Bat-Credit Card? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic going bonkers for Banana Balls after shouting "A BAT-CREDIT CARD?!" and shooting up the place before cutting to James constantly ducking stray bullet rounds)

TLOTA: Now look at what happened, Got to get going anyway, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion(Nostalgia Critic is still going off as a bullet nicks James scalp and James runs off screen.)