Even the Cool Of Keanu must "Face The Music"

 (Scene begins as the stars reform James and Julia Alexa Miller on the Keyboard and James is on guitar as the music of “Moves Like Jagger” restarts as Julia Alexa Miller sings “Now here we go! It’s a kind of cool thing! The way he does the way he’s rocking! It’s a fine thing! He can see ya coming, enjoy the loving, because it’s what he’d doing Cut to James as he sings “And he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu!” while Julia Alexa Miller scats (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James and Julia Alexa Miller disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James and Julia Alexa Miller standing in the clockwork castle.)

TLOTA:
Alex? Is this what happened to you? (Cut to a close up to The one in the cloak)

The one in the cloak:
I am not this Alex you’re speaking of I… Please stop touching me! (Cut to James as he and The one in the cloak as his hand go through the midsection of the figure and James pulls his hand out.)

TLOTA:
Sorry. (Cut to a close up to The one in the cloak)

The one in the cloak:
Now as I was trying to say, I am “The Guardian”! I am here to help you on your journey. Through this castle, I will guide you through so you may return.  (Cut to a close up of James)

TLOTA:
Return to what? I died, I stabbed myself through the chest my lungs are gone, my heart ripped out as it has been like that for eight years now and I think that… (Cut to James as he looks around The Guardian as The Guardian walks away and James runs up to The Guardian and follows The Guardian as the two of them walk in the clockwork castle.) As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted when you walked away, I think that I deserve to be at peace after everything I been through. I think I am entitled to… (A ghostly figure appears in front of the two as “The Guardian” starts to do something as James confesses a horrible secret about him which sends him reeling backward and the castle moves forward in the clockwork.)

“The Guardian”:
What did you do?

TLOTA:
I don’t know, I guess it feeds off confessions.

“The Guardian”:
Perhaps you’re more well-knowledgeable about this place.

TLOTA:
No, but I am a quick study!

“The Guardian”:
Come with me! (“The Guardian” grabs James and tosses him into a room that looks like his office. Cut to “The Guardian” as she stands at the door) The Castle is going to move again, soon enough you will have to come face to face again with the Confessional and when you do, I cannot assist you. Because it does so, you’re going to need to wait in certain areas which I can set up after you confront it! (Cut to James in the room that looks like his office.)

TLOTA:
Okay and in the meantime, do I have anything to keep me sane? (Cut to “The Guardian” as she stands at the door)

“The Guardian”:
I think you were going to review it, so no better time than now to see it. (“The Guardian” levitates a copy of a movie only for it to hit James between the eyes.) Good Luck James. (The Door closes. Cut to James as he picks the movie up and sees it’s “Bill & Ted Face The Music”.)

TLOTA:
Hmph! Well given my current situation, I’m ready! (Cut to the Title Card of “Bill & Ted Face The Music” then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, after a long ass break from the first character that got him major exposure Keanu Reeves reunites with long-time friend Alex Winter to bring about what many considered a solidly ended series with another entry to the series which took 29 years to make. But was it worth the wait and will this be the movie that ends everything in the way it should end for our Duo or will they end up doing something worse than what happened last year. (Cut to James as he feels the shifting of the clockwork.)

TLOTA:
Let’s just get to it, this is “Bill & Ted Face The Music” (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Our movie opens on an expositional dump on Bill S. Preston Esq. played again by  Alex Winter and Ted Theodore Logan played again by Keanu Reeves as done by their now 20 plus years old daughters Theodora “Ted” Preston Esq. played by Samantha Weaving and Wilhelmina “Billie” Logan played by Brigette Lundy-Paine about how their dads were going to write the song that would unite the world. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Now if my memory serves me right, didn’t what they did at the end of “Bogus Journey” end things and create the Utopia? It must not have done so because according to their daughters, they fell from grace and hard trying to keep up with what was going on! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And apparently, the fall was starting to do damage to history itself! We soon cut to the present day as Bill & Ted prepare to perform at Deacon’s Wedding. Who’s Deacon? Ted’s brother who only got lip service in “Bogus Journey” and was a minor character in the first movie and Deacon married Missy! You know the woman who married Bill’s Dad, then Ted’s, then probably married DeNomolos, Rufus, Col. Oats, Death, and possibly a myriad of others before marrying Deacon! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, how did that kid in that one episode of “Law and Order: SVU” call it? (Cut to the clip of the kid telling Elliot Stabler that his dad had a case of Dirty Whore. Cut to James physically) That’s it! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With their performance going south, it’s safe to say that they’ve hit below rock bottom in their careers! Even their marriages to the princesses this time played by Jayma Mays and Erinn Hayes have hit the skids so much the two couples are in Couples Therapy! I’m not even kidding seeing both Bill and His Wife and Ted and his wife in the same couples therapy session is possibly a comedic highlight of the movie. However, the daughter of Rufus, Kelly played by Kristen Schall has been asked to take our time traveling duo to the future to see the consequences of their inability to make the song that they wanted to make happen as everyone sees that the Space-Time Continuum is collapsing in on itself. The Great Leader played by Holland Taylor tells them they’ve been given until 7:17 P.M. that night they come back to the present to make the song or The Space-Time Continuum is going to go bye-bye! And given how 2020 was, it’s safe to say… (James screams as it cuts to him falling in his “Office”)

TLOTA:
Okay, this is getting screwy! (James gets up and opens the door to see a new part of the Clockwork Castle.) Now, where am I? (James walks around as he sees a puzzle and he taps on his glasses translating it.) “With every confession, it grows stronger until it shatters your heart and your fate is sealed”. So how can I defeat it, everytime I see it, it makes me confess unless the fear of death makes me confess and that fear keeps it at bay. (James comes face to face with “The Confessional” and runs in the opposite direction as James runs into “The Guardian”)

“The Guardian”:
What are you doing?

TLOTA:
Running from “The Confessional” I think the fear of death I have, weakens it or not, I could be, I’m possibly certain that it grows on Confessions and The Fear Of Death. Because if I’m right, Here we go! (The Confessional runs up to the two as James decides to do something that might kill him and The Guardian is creating a barrier to keep the confessional at bay.)

The Guardian:
What are you doing? (Cut to James as he shatters a window)

TLOTA:
I’m going to jump into this pool of whatever it is… (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
The Pool of Time itself? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yep, So, GERONIMO! (James jumps in as it cuts to James in a Hospital bed as a Doctor played by Thorn Winter comes in and sees water coming out of James’ mouth and it hits a pan on his bed and James returns to being unconscious.)

Doctor:
He’s coughing up water now, which means he’s getting better. It’s amazing, in all my years of medical practice, I have never seen a scenario in which someone stabs themselves through the ribs, turns the blade they used to stab themselves then pulls it out only for them to suffer only a massive blood loss, I mean it’s a miracle that his lungs and heart were not damaged and you were lucky to have found him when you did. (The Camera pulls to a figure in the shadows as the figure walks into the light and reveals herself to be Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
It wasn’t luck, it was fate. (Julia Alexa Miller walks up to James.) James, I know the last time we talked I promised you that I would wax your balls for the “Life As A Mermaid” review, but if you wake up, I Can’t promise to be as mad at you but I will be more forgiving, just please come back, James! Please!

(Julia Alexa Miller kisses James on the Cheek and cries as the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he revives in the Clockwork Castle in what appears to be his studio’s lobby.)

TLOTA:
Now, where am I? (The Guardian says “Another safe room” as James screams and we see The Guardian enjoying a drink.)

The Guardian:
I know it looks like the Lobby in your studio but if it works, don’t knock it. (Cut to James as he gets up and joins “The Guardian” on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
Would you be okay if I continued with something I was doing in the last safe room?

The Guardian:
Of course not, We’re going to be here for a while as we’re moved forward towards your goal.

TLOTA:
Thank you (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Bill and Ted arrive two years into the future as they’ve hit even further bottom and not only have their wives left them, their daughters won’t have anything to do with Bill and Ted, so to add to their list of things to do, they have to save their marriages to the princesses, write the song and hope they can get it right. Meanwhile, The Great Leader, finds herself running low in the patience department as she decides to send a killing robot to end Bill and Ted. Kelly decides to warn Bill and Ted but winds up meeting Thea and Billie as decide to help by bringing in artists like Jimi Hendrix, Ling Lun, Louis Armstrong, Mozart, and someone named Kid Cudi (I’m not into modern pop music so I have no idea who Kid Cudi is) to help in the song. In The Meantime, Bill and Ted continue to travel as they meet up with the Rockstar Successes who just so happen to be faking it and it’s a song by Dave Grohl and then… WHAT THE HELL?! (Cut to James and The Guardian as the two sit on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
Okay Guardian, How in the world do I make fun of Ted looking like Braun Stroman and Bill looking like friggin if he dropped the weight and became pure muscle!

The Guardian:
Well if you talked about it like that, then it counts as a joke.

TLOTA:
Hmm, didn’t think of it like that! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Billie and Thea wind up meeting with the robotic assassin named Dennis who promptly kills them all! Bill and Ted soon wind up meeting themselves on their deathbeds and to be honest, it kind of shows what happened when they focused on what wasn’t important. But the duo gets the song on a flash drive and they must get to someplace called MP46 at 7:17 PM to perform and record the song. However, Dennis lets the duo know that he royally screwed up! I mean, he TRULY, MADLY, INSANELY, ROYALLY SCREWED UP BY KILLING THEIR DAUGHTERS AND THE MUSICIANS THE TWO TOOK!  With that news, Bill and Ted sacrifice the song forcing Dennis to kill the duo. However Dennis decided he’s screwed up too much and tries to end himself but Bill and Ted run in as Dennis ends himself taking the blast as well sending them to hell to rescue the musicians, Billie and Thea, it’s there they come upon Death once again played by William Sadler. With their daughters Bill and Ted patch up the problems they had with Death after a falling out and a lawsuit that happened and brings everyone back from the dead. (Cut to James and The Guardian as the two sit on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
This is getting weirder and weirder and I don’t know if I can take it.

The Guardian:
Well, it does seem to be moving us forward to your destination.

TLOTA:
So I better get going and hope I can figure out whatever happens next. I recorded it on my glasses. (James takes off his glasses and points the earpieces to the wall and a holographic image shows a translated puzzle.)

The Guardian:
“Add one to the twelve, go back five then turn the answer sideways.”? Why didn’t you tell me this?

TLOTA:
Well, I was kind of busy outrunning The Confessional as I went through that Pool, warmed up by the fire, got made to look through a whole lot of other places which for some reason, I should’ve talked about before getting here to which I apologize for it but something tells me when we get to the location, I can try to see what is going on. (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Bill and Ted tell them about the fate of the song and soon realize that the Preston and Logan the song was about was done not by Bill and Ted but instead by Billie and Thea! All I can say to that, to finally quote Keanu Reeves after all this time, is “Whoa!”, not only that the song itself must be played throughout all of space and time! Speaking of space and time, The Princesses return and realize their lives are most excellent with Bill and Ted then without the two in it and with Kid Cudi’s advice Bill and Ted make infinite versions of themselves to hand out the instruments to every single person throughout time and space. Bill and Ted return to lead the band and the movie ends with the universe finally coming into harmony and a post-credit scene seeing the elderly Bill and Ted playing their guitars. (Cut to James and The Guardian sitting on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
And that was “Bill & Ted Face The Music” and it was for me a necessary thing to watch because it was awesome and fun, however not for the reasons you might think. (Cut to clips of “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as it was a fun thing to see Bill S. Preston Esq. & Ted Theodore Logan going through time and space having a fun adventure trying to fulfill their destiny, I was more interested in Billie and Thea’s storyline of the dutiful daughters trying to help their fathers fulfill the destiny they were supposed to be. The comedy was good, the action was fun, the drama was well-paced in the story which while having a few bumps and swerves survives it and makes everything work. No wonder everyone says that this was the movie of 2020. If you haven’t seen it, go get it and check out the final chapter of one story and possibly the start of a new story worthy of the legend of Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan! (Cut to James and The Guardian as they look out the door.)

The Guardian:
It appears we’re where we’re supposed to be. So are you ready? (James opens the door.)

TLOTA:
I am so ready for this to be over! Let’s go! (Cut to James and The Guardian as they walk through the Clockwork castle.) So we have to look for like a clock or…something like a clock.

The Guardian:
A Puzzle?

TLOTA:
Yeah, You’re going to have to keep that thing busy!

The Guardian:
Who are you talking about?

TLOTA:
Him! (Cut to The Guardian as The Guardian holds off The Confessional as James tries to solve the puzzle and does so quickly.) Guardian, come on! (Cut to The Guardian as The Guardian holds off The Confession)

The Guardian:
This is my job, your destiny lies in there! (James turns the 8 on its side and unlocks the door that leads to the path that James takes James to another door, as James looks and opens the door to see a giant crystal.)

TLOTA:
Okay, now what do I do? (James comes up to the crystal and touches it noticing a pattern, James uses his hands to follow the pattern and sees his start to glow and the energy coming from James’ hands fill the pattern and begins to punch the crystal with his right hand and as it tires out James uses his left .) Well, when in Rome! Now I know The Confessional is somewhere behind me. Sorry, but I’ve got nothing to confess. Would you like to hear about the tale of the Emperor and The Shepherd’s Boy? There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says… (The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him, draining him of his energy before falling apart. As James lays there The Guardian takes him and the scene is bathed in light as it shows James in his bed in December and James standing over him.)

TLOTA:
So Alex brought me in and made the changes and as for what happened after that, That was you. (Camera shifts to the right to reveal The Guardian)

The Guardian:
That’s right, however, there is a caveat, you won’t remember everything, I’ll be going through this again. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Again? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
Good Luck! (James shoves into James and he wakes up and a sound-alike to “The Shepherd’s Boy” plays in the foreground as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for ten years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says… (The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for fifteen years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James “It has been like this for twenty-two years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for twenty-eight years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a little bird comes and sharpens its beak…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for thirty-two now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a little bird comes and sharpens its beak and when the mountain is chiseled away the first second of eternity will have passed…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says“it has been like this for thirty-eight years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a little bird comes and sharpens its beak and when the mountain is chiseled away the first second of eternity will have passed.”  You may think that’s a hell of a long time! (James screams as he finally shatters through to the other side and the light shatters The Confessional) Personally, I think that’s one hell of a bird! (The Guardian walks forward.)

The Guardian:
You finally did it, it took you a few tries but now you can return. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Okay, but what about what I did to break through the crystal? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
It’s been inside of you, I guess you never knew it. Look in there. (James and The Guardian look into the end of the tunnel as they see James as James’ past which includes when he stabbed “The Wicked” in his “Spider-Man 3” review and be able to create his first suit after being revived. Cut to James looking at The Guardian)

TLOTA:
That was me? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
There’s more, even the moments you thought were beyond your abilities. (Cut to every moment where even scientifically he shouldn’t have survived but he did even when he stabbed himself with his sword. Cut to James looking The Guardian)

TLOTA:
So all of these moments, every last one of them, was magic that I made? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
Even when the one you love, saved you after you did what you had to do. (Cut to moments after as Julia Alexa Miller sees James laying dead in a pool of blood.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
ORAC! Contact the hospital and clear the shortest path!

ORAC (Audio only):
Understood! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Did Alex come back? For me? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
Well someone close to her and you reminded her of what good you’ve done for her. She’s waiting for you. Go back to her and to the future you deserve. (James looks ahead in the tunnel and walks through. Cut to a light shining into the camera, cut to James as he waves the light away and James wakes up in his hospital bed.)

TLOTA:
Where am I? (Cut to a Doctor played by Thorn Winter)

The Doctor:
Welcome back, Mr. Faraci! (Cut to James in his hospital bed.)

TLOTA:
My Father was Mr. Faraci. I’m James. (Cut to the Doctor.)

The Doctor:
Either way, you were a lucky individual, had your lady friend not found you, you would’ve surely been dead, days ago. (“Deliberate Thought” by Kevin MacLeod plays as Julia Alexa Miller walks into the light and to his side.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Did what I had to do what I had to do. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What are you doing here? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I can survive without you and you can survive barely without me, I know I saw your other reviews and I know you think we shouldn’t be together because of everything that happened to you last year and I know you respect me enough to make my own decision. I know there’ll be risks. But I want to face them with you. It’s wrong that we should only be half-alive, half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am saving your life. Isn’t it about time someone saved your life as much as you saved so many? Well say something

TLOTA:
Thank you, Alex! I love you (The two kiss)

Julia Alexa Miller:
But while I’m here and you’re exposed.

TLOTA:
What are you doing?  (Julia Alexa Miller walks away as she goes to her purse and pulls out the wax strip and James in fear for his existence asks, begs, and pleads Julia Alexa Miller not to do what she plans on doing as she walks back, cut to black as a ripping sound is heard and James screams like there was no tomorrow.)

Cool Like Keanu even against "The Devil's Advocate"

(Scene begins as the stars reform James and the music of “Moves Like Jagger” restarts as James sings “Now as we go on, we find him as he takes all on including the prince of the dark and thought he was a mark! He’ll fight for the soul and admittedly he is in control when darkness rises from hell, he’ll fight for a spell and he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu! (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James on a canted angle coming face to face with what appears to be himself sitting on a throne as “The Master Vainglorious” by Murray Gold plays in the foreground on a loop in the segments between James and The Guy On The Throne in this review and everything is bathed in a dark blue light.)

TLOTA:
Okay, I must’ve mixed Cold Medicine, Chinese Take Out and Soda while cleaning up the place! It’s the only logical explanation for… (Cut to the guy on the throne.)

The Guy On The Throne:
For who? Me? I’m here because… (Cut to James on the canted angle)

TLOTA:
Because the human race has become so stupidly inbred they’re willing to accept you. Because you have influenced them to… (Cut to The Guy On The Throne as he goes “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!” multiple times for ten seconds)

The Guy On The Throne:
Do you think that is what I do, I influence people, I will them to do stupid things, I use my will to them bring to power people you think that I somehow control them like puppets on strings? (Cut to James on the canted angle)

TLOTA:
The best Masters of Puppetry doesn’t use strings. Besides I could tell that you’re not like the other ones that others in their vocation, you’re the one that rules in the darkest levels, You’re the devil that uses humanity’s hubris to trick them into doing your business, and just like any other form of The Dark Lord, you just so happen to remind me of the one I was planning on talking about, Cochise!  (Cut to Hard Rock music as the title from “The Devil’s Advocate” plays as “The Guy On The Throne” shouts “STOP!” as it cuts to him)

The Guy On The Throne:
If you’re going to go with the whole, “Hard Rock is the Devil’s Music” Route, then allow me to play you the real music I listen to. (Elevator Musak plays. Cut to James on the canted angle)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this is the only time you get the point but for the sake of drama, can I please play the Hard Rock Music? (Cut to the guy on the throne.)

The Guy On The Throne:
If it gets you closer to what it is you want? Fine! (Cut to clips of “The Devil’s Advocate” as Hard Rock Music plays and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Directed by the man who would give us the Ray Charles Biopic, co-starring a young Charlize Theron and a typical Al Pacino performance “The Devil’s Advocate” is possibly the best non “Matrix” performance to come out of Keanu Reeves until the John Wick movies. But does Keanu give the devil his due or will the Devil…(Cut to James and The Guy On The Throne in James’ Lobby)

TLOTA:
You’re already here and you’ve taken control!

That Guy On The Throne:
Oh, don’t be so dramatic!

TLOTA:
The Truth is… you know the rest. (That Guy On The Throne walks away and says “Feh!”) It’s time to go to court against the Devil and to go up against “The Devil’s Advocate” (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in a courtroom as a rape victim is telling her story as we’re introduced to Kevin Lomax played by Keanu Reeves as he realizes he can’t win a case because his client is a legitimate rapist! However, by the power of a Silver Tongue, Kevin wins his case and I guarantee had this case been done in Sullivan Count…(Cut to the clip from MST3K episode “Castle Of Fu Manchu” episode as Crow says “Oh Who Cares!”. Cut to James and That Guy On The Throne as That Guy On The Throne has an inquisitive look on his face.)

That Guy On The Throne:
Why? Why? What was up with that?

TLOTA:
Because as of now the law of man has become so corrupt, even old school Sullivan County New York Justice no longer exists. You know what I’m just gonna say it! That clip from the MST3K episode “Castle Of Fu Manchu” was me realizing that Law, Order, Justice, no longer exists and I know how to sing what comes next (Singing): What should I say except “OH THANK YOU!”

That Guy On The Throne:
DON’T YOU GET ALL SELF RIGHTEOUS ON ME PAL! I COULD MAKE YOUR LIFE EVEN MORE OF A NIGHTMARE THAN IT WAS THE PAST FEW YEARS PAL!

TLOTA:
TRY ME! PLEASE! (That Guy On The Throne looks at him and says “Yikes! You might enjoy it!” Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While celebrating with his wife played by Charlize Theron a lawyer from New York asks for Kevin’s service in selecting a Jury! Initially thinking it’s a joke until he sees the Payday, What does Kevin do? Kevin goes to his apostolical church to tell his mother and half-sister about going to New York to do well my associate’s work. (Cut to James on a canted angle and That Guy On The Throne as That Guy On The Throne has an inquisitive look on his face.)

That Guy On The Throne:
So I’m the go-to guy when everything bad in life happens!

TLOTA:
The title of the movie is “The Devil’s Advocate” who do you think I am dealing with?! (That Guy On The Throne tries to make a point when he looks and thinks to himself “Yeah, the point is made” Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Kevin begins to do well at his new job in New York, Kevin feels an ominous force around him as he comes home to discuss his fears about this new job as a Jury finds someone who did a heinous crime not guilty in a record-breaking Thirty-eight minutes, this gets the attention of one John Milton or otherwise known as my current annoyance (Cut to James as he says “Shut It!” to That Guy On The Throne. Cut back to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James continues his voiceover.) played by Al Pacino! He offers Kevin a chance to work with his firm up in New York and quicker than Johnny Blaze can turn into the Ghost Rider, Kevin, and his wife move to New York permanently! One of his first cases is pretty freaky. As Kevin keeps doing his job Mary Ann, his wife, begins to feel alone. When Kevin’s mom comes she senses the evils in New York City! Yeah, it’s no surprise there. IT’S FRIGGIN’ NEW YORK CITY! But Kevin decides to stay to work with Milton. At a function, Mary Ann begins to see demons incognito as the partner’s wives while Kevin begins to have more fantasies about one of his partners in the firm Christabella. (Cut to James on a canted angle and That Guy On The Throne.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this is getting heavy-duty people and I need a break!

That Guy On The Throne:
Yeah, but…(Cut to James on a canted angle)

TLOTA:
I know the price of your break!

That Guy On The Throne:
Oh really! Well, it could reverse some of the things that went wrong in your life, think of it, family members you lost, brought back from the dead, the woman you want back in your life all you have to do is hear me out!

TLOTA:
PISS OFF ASSHOLE!

That Guy On The Throne:
Oh, ho! James, there’s that temper that’ll one day bring you to me and my realm that much quicker! My terms keep you here for a long, long time. Think about it and after the review then we will talk!

(James still on the canted angle has a look of steadfastly hanging on to whatever is left that is good as the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As a case of a Multi-Billionaire named Alex Cullen is on trial for murdering his family comes up, John Milton suggests Kevin for the job this does not sit well with Eddie Barzoon played by Jeffrey Jones. So much so he threatens to call the U.S. Attorney’s Office because Eddie thinks Kevin is after his spot in the firm! But that doesn’t last long as Eddie is beaten by vagrants while Mary Ann who after another vision of demons ripping out her ovaries and playing with them, and right now trust me the thought of that is making me sick to my stomach right now and not in a comedic way.  As Kevin tries to work on the Alibi with the assistant Kevin discovers she’s lying and Cullen wins on an Acquittal!  Feeling disturbed by what happened Kevin finds Mary Ann in a church full of cuts and scratches and her going on and on about how John Milton tried to have his way with her. So of course being the good husband Kevin decides that the best thing he can do to help is to walk away from the case and be with his … OR commit her in the nuthouse where an associate of her husband becomes demonic and Mary Ann kills herself when Kevin and his mom try to stop her from it! (Cut to James on a canted angle)

TLOTA:
Whoof! I swear I think I should’ve waited for October to do something this disturbing! (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kevin’s mom eventually tells Kevin that his dad is John Milton, pissed off at the discovery he confronts Milton who reveals himself to be the Devil incarnate, and that Christabella is his half-sister, Kevin now getting angrier and angrier as Milton continues his spiel, Kevin fires shot after shot into him to no effect! John Milton tries to tell his son about how Kevin set himself up for this and Kevin weirdly acquiesces to the deal when (Cut to Kevin as he cites “Free Will” and shoots himself in the head committing suicide and John Milton screams “NO!” as it cuts to the break Kevin had at the Gettys case. Cut to James on a canted angle)

TLOTA:
Okay, I’m out of jokes on this one! I got less than nothing! (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With apparently a second chance, Kevin decides that he recuses himself from the case and saves his soul only for the journalist to reveal to us that he’s friggin John Milton. Meaning the devil gets… (Cut to James on a canted angle.)

TLOTA:
OF COURSE, HE GETS WHAT HE WANTS! HE’S THE FRIGGIN DEVIL! (Cut to clips of “The Devil’s Advocate” as James tries to summarise his thoughts with a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was “The Devil’s Advocate” and yeah, this one was a rough one to sit through but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining! Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves were two of the biggest reason to watch but trust me when I say, if you’re looking for something light-hearted and hopeful in this movie, you won’t find it here. I don’t want to knock the movie, it’s as good as Keanu Reeves’ lesser works and even better than his best post “Bill & Ted” and “Matrix” movies. If you haven’t seen it, then get ready for the most intense mind trip and hardest punches to the soul you will ever take. If you have and you’re still standing, then Mazel Tov. Check it out and hold on to the smallest amount of hope you can feel after such an event like this.

That Guy On The Throne (V.O.):
Hope is not the thing humans need! (Cut to James on a canted angle as That Guy On The Throne returns from Thin Air and James jumps in surprise. Cut to the two coming face to face)

TLOTA:
Yeah, according to you they just need to follow you and those who serve you blindly off the cliff. But there’s a problem!

That Guy On The Throne:
Yeah, and it’s you, Tell me, Jimmy! Your birthdate, April 28^th, 1982, Do you think somehow that was coincidental?  NO! IT’S NOT! HAD YOU BEEN BORN WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO THEN THINGS WOULD’VE TURNED IN MY FAVOR WAAAAAAAAAAY EARLIER! BUT NO! SOMEONE UP THERE DECIDED THAT YOU HAD TO BE PROTECTED AND SERVE HIM!

TLOTA:
Me taking care of my father was of my choice, he might not have gotten what I was doing but I was ALWAYS there for him even when he passed.

That Guy On The Throne:
NO! I MEAN THE ABSENTEE LANDLORD! THE ONE YOU HAVE FAITH IN, THE MAN WHO TRIED TO KEEP YOU RIGHTEOUS!

TLOTA:
Well, I failed because of me and my sins! No one else had any part in my sins. I may have blamed them in the heat of the moment but it was my foolishness that was my downfall. But there is one thing having done my wrongs then does for me now!

That Guy On The Throne:
Which means I can’t touch you! Meaning me being here was because you WANTED me here for what end?

TLOTA:
Simple. (Cut to James’ hands as they’re behind his back) To come face (James puts on the bracelet with the gem from the gauntlet on his left wrist and the ring on his right ring finger) to face. (Cut to James’ face) with the only one who truly was the master of the deal! (0:05-01:25 of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground as James summons his sword and shatters the dark blue light bringing everything to normal lighting and James straightened up) Now you’re coming to me on a false deal, to restore what I lost! I can never get back everything, that’s life, I left a lot of who I was behind me. Now I choose what happens. (Cut to That Guy On The Throne.)

That Guy On The Throne:
NO! THAT IS WHAT HEEEE WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE! WITH ME YOU ARE MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU SHOULD BE ACCORDING TO HIM! (01:45-1:56 of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground as James readies his sword.)

TLOTA:
But there is something neither you nor him have on me. (Cut to the sword as it is pointed towards James with the tip of the sword between his ribs. Cut to James’ face) Free…Will! (The sword plunges in at the 01:57-01:58 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground and James turns it as That Guy On The Throne shouts “NO!” as flames erupt and it cuts to James as he rips the sword out of himself, violently and collapses at the 01:59-02:03 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. Cut to That Guy On The Throne as he continues to scream “NO!” as his face changes to everyone else who has played the devil before he sees an aura of white protecting James as the flames drag That Guy On The Throne back to where he came at the 02:04-02:50 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. Cut to the Studio as it appears everything is back to normal save for James’ dead body on the floor covered in a pool of his blood at the 02:50-03:04 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. James wakes up to see himself in a clockwork castle.)

TLOTA:
Where am I now? (A voice in the background says “You are still fighting for your life!”) What are you talking about?! I just gutted myself like a fish to keep the Dark Lord from at least taking control. (A voice in the background says “You are going to return to yourself better than before and she will return.) WHO ARE YOU? (The camera slides to James’ right eye to see a person in a cloak and it cuts to James as he turns to see the one in the cloak. The person in the cloak walks towards James and reveals to be taking the form of Julia Alexa Miller.)

The one in the cloak:
This person is taking your life into your hands.

TLOTA:
What fresh level of insanity is going on now?

A "Speed" That's Cool Like Keanu

(Scene begins with different angles of different rooms slowly starting to light up as  04:44-07:33 of “A Good Man” by Murray Gold plays in the foreground intercut with a man driving to a building revealing it to be James’ Studio as a man walking up a flight of steps as he unveils the RoboKnight Morpher, opens it up and presses in the 428 code and is engulfed with light as the door opens the man is revealed to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans sporting his new look with what can be considered a mix of Captain America’s “SHIELD” Winter Soldier shirt and the red and white stripes known to be on Sam Wilson's Captain America’s suit top and his carpenter blue jeans then addressing the people checking out his return to the studio)

TLOTA:
Before I begin, let me say the following, to the people who support and still check me out, Thank you. I appreciate you for everything you have done to support me. But to the PIECES OF GARBAGE THAT IS FORCING ME BACK INTO A BAD SITUATION, I SAY TO YOU, I HOPE YOU CATCH ON FIRE AND WHEN YOU DO SO, I HOPE YOU COME TO ME AND WHEN YOU COME I WILL HAVE WATER AND I WILL DRINK IT SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY! SO THAT YOUR LAST PAINFUL SECONDS ON THIS ROCK WILL BE ME HAPPY YOU’RE GOING TO BURN WHILE I DRINK MY WATER. (“Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike plays in the foreground.) Op! No time to stay this angry because… (The background changes to outer space as James begins to Sing): You look at the Stars! And you see him, With his bright eyes of marble, he’ll make you believe, he cuts through deceit! He has some awards, No Oscars! He’s been here for so long, since the eighties, and with one “Whoa” I’m sure that you know, that he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu! (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James cleaning the dust out of his office.)

TLOTA:
You’ll have to forgive me, I have to clean an entire studio, months of dust and well… enough complaining, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and (Sneezes) Some of yours. Let’s talk about Keanu Reeves! (Cut to clips of different Keanu Reeves as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be fair, he’s had a run of critical and commercial highs and lows whether he’s had indie successes that brought audiences in or critically successful movies that couldn’t draw an audience or vice versa, Keanu has had one hell of a career starting in the mid-1980s with tv and smaller roles in movies before gaining success in movies like “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures” and “My Private Idaho”, he’s gone on to be a dependable character actor and has become an icon in acting naturally no matter what the role is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Even if the role is that of a Plainclothes Sergeant officer in the debut of the director whose previous works in Cinematography in movies like “Die Hard” “The Hunt For Red October”, “Basic Instinct”, “Lethal Weapon 3”, “Flatliners”, & “Black Rain” and whose later direction works include (Show posters of “Twister”, “Speed 2: Cruise Control”,  the 1999 “The Haunting” remake & “Laura Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life. Cut to James physically as he awkwardly smiles. Cut to the trailer title card of “Speed”. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Uh…. I think it’s safe to say that if the circumstances were wrong this would’ve been boring as all get out. But to my surprise, it was entertaining and it brought to light a lot of great actors and has gone on to become a piece of 1990s awesomeness, even after a brief stint as something seen as something stupid. But after such a roller coaster ride to where it is now, did it need such a crazy ride? (Cut to James physically as he continues to clean the studio with a vacuum getting plugged in)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time, strap yourself in and get ready, This is “Speed”! (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as we see a mad Dennis Hopper… (Show moment of Dennis Hopper stabbing the security guard with a screwdriver.) Oh my bad, it’s just Dennis on a Tuesday! As a group of 13 people in an elevator THANKFULLY NOT POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL are caught as Dennis sets off a bomb to get three million dollars. Enter Harry played by Jeff Daniels and Jack played by of course Keanu Reeves both work at the SWAT Bomb disposal detail as they look over the situation, Jack decides to call on his inner MacGyver to create a temporary remedy to get everyone off the elevator. Harry then deducts that this was a close job and tries and finds Dennis in the maintenance elevator…OH SH….! (A thud is heard as it cuts to James on his back with a mop in his hands)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I goofed, I tried to do too much in one moment! OW! And before I get god knows how many comments, I know the character is named “Howard Payne” speaking of pain, I’m hurting like nobody’s business! (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Howard Payne has Harry held captive but a shot in the leg remedies that situation but as for Howard? Well, it looks like he bit it which gets Harry promoted and Jack commended. The next day Jack is enjoying some downtime with his bus driving buddy when a bomb stops the good time. Howard calls Jack and says the lines this movie is most known for (Show clip of Howard saying “Pop Quiz, Hot Shot. There’s a bomb on a bus, Once the bus goes fifty miles per hour, the bomb is armed if it drops below fifty, it blows up. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?”. Cut to James physically as he is getting rid of the few rotten pieces of food and proceeds to clean the refrigerator with a pressure washer)

TLOTA:
Well, according to the new rules and laws as made by this President. (James pulls out a book and preps to read it). “Smile and say goodbye, we must become ineffective in the fight against evil, let the criminals get away with the crime, you’ll be out of pain soon and your deaths will never be given justice because we would rather make those who protect and uphold the law into wussies who cannot protect anyone because the criminals have rights and crime is right!” Yeah, you guys voted for this! OY GEVALT! (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack is told by Payne which bus the bomb is on which just so happens to have onboard Captain Harriman of the U.S.S. Enterprise B, Kitty Farmer from “Donnie Darko”, and of course American Sweetheart Sandra Bullock. (Cut to James as he puts another load of laundry into the Washer)

TLOTA:
Though she just got done with “Demolition Man” and this was before she was in the Romantic Comedies and of course “Miss Congeniality” and the sequel which I think showed her comedic range and of course when she won the Academy Award for “The Blind Side” but yeah, she’s more than earned it. (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack bolts like a bat out of hell to reach the bus but as he gets there, the driver pushes the bus to nearly fifty. Commandeering a guy’s Jaguar driver and all to help him get on board and this happens (Cut to the clip of the Jaguar owner as he hits the stopping barrels at the exit of the freeway. Cut to James as he begins boxing up stuff out of Alex’s Office.)

TLOTA:
That’s nothing, you should see what happened to the driver after him.

(Cut to the Goofy Driver’s Ed short “Freewayphobia” at the 14:24 mark, cut to the 14:42-14:54 mark of the same short. As the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack makes it on board the bus and identifies himself as L.A.P.D. and tries to gently inform the passengers on the bus of the situation at hand when a paranoid passenger accidentally shoots the driver and well… (Show clip of Jack as he explains the situation to the passengers that there is a bomb on the bus and that because it’s at over fifty miles per hour it won’t blow. The moment it drops below that, the bomb explodes. Cut to James as he tries to scrape Alex’s name off the door.)

TLOTA:
So yeah, Mart moves there Rocket Skyentist in shooting the guy who could keep the bus at a constant fifty-five miles per hour and safe until the situation could be resolved. Who’s going to drive it now? (Cut to the clip of Annie as she gets behind the wheel and admits she doesn’t have a driving license because she was speeding. Cut to James physically) Okay, that was kind of funny. Which now must be offset by this moment. ORAC! Are you active and online?

ORAC (Audio only):
Active and online, I take it you are cleaning up from the months of disuse.

TLOTA:
Yep, And right now, I need you to contact my Glasier!

ORAC (Audio only):
May I ask, why? (James shatters the window with Alex’s name)

TLOTA:
That’s why! (James sighs as it cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Harry gets called by Jack to let them know that their mad bomber is back and what his new plan is, and the bomb’s design which has enough explosives to wipe California off the map and with the possible exception of a few people, I hope the bomb blows and takes that whole state off the map. Harry somehow puts together on somethings that were in conversations past, such as the fact as changes in the explosive materials, and the usage of this bomb of a Gold Watch! Harry hears the words and wants to check out the history of retired cops! Meanwhile, Jack gets a call from the bomber and lets him know about the wounded Bus Driver, Jack’s fellow Bomb Squad/Negotiation squad gets the Driver off however one passenger tries to join him but… (Cut to the clip of The steps on the bus exploding and the Passenger is killed and Howard talking about Interactive TV is the wave of the future. Cut to James as he opens up a drink after finalizing the clean up on the Horseshoe couch)

TLOTA:
For that poor crazy woman who lost her life trying to survive! (The drink spills out on the floor on the rug.) DAMN IT! Where’s the Rug Shampooer? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the surviving passengers continue to hold on to the little bit of hope left they soon discover that there is a good-sized chunk of the Highway is incomplete. What to do? After such moments like shifting everyone to one side so that way it can safely turn in corners? Have everyone drop down on their knees, put their heads between their legs, and hope to god it’s not to kiss their asses goodbye! If that works, it’d be a miracle. (Show the jump of the Bus as the “Dixie” horn from The Dukes Of Hazzard plays in the foreground and lands. Cut to James as he finishes cleaning up his private office and pulls out a sign with the number 10 on it! Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Harry discovers who Howard Payne is and where he might be. Before heading out to grab him, Harry helps Jack try and dismantle the bomb which doesn’t end well as everything that can go wrong short of the bomb blowing up happens as every trick in the book to dismantle the bomb goes belly up! What else can go wrong? (Show clip of Jack hitting the gas tank as he’s pulled into the bus. Cut to James as he stands outside his work office in full decontamination gear)

TLOTA:
Well, open mouth, insert foot while getting my ass kicked! (James opens the door, cleaning gear and guns blazing, and screaming, cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that happens Harry and an entire squad of officers in full tactical gear go to where Howard is supposedly is when… (Cut to the alarm going off as Harry stares at it) It was in that moment Jeff Daniels would realize that after this movie and “Dumb and Dumber” he would regret every career movement he’d ever make! (Show the explosion killing the entire squad. Cut to James as he prepares every single piece of garbage and soaks it in Gasoline then ignites it.)

TLOTA:
A moment of silence for Jeff Daniels’ career after this movie and Dumb & Dumber! (James lowers his head and places his hand over his heart for five seconds) Sorry, Jeff! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Payne tells Jack about his partner’s passing and Jack handles it well as a sociopathic bomb happy lunatic laughs maniacally at him.  (Jack smashes the phone, then discovers Annie’s Satchel is about the University Of Arizona and that their sports team is the “Wildcats” and comes to his conclusions.) Realizing that somehow Payne is watching them on a closed-circuit video frequency, Jack comes up with the idea that maybe if they record enough of everyone on the bus sitting still then run it on the video frequency on a loop, they can get everyone off and the bomb can go off with no one on board. A nice idea however with them running low on gas, they have no choice but to run a minute’s worth off footage as the rest of Jack’s team gets the hostages off and Jack and Annie well… (Cut to the clip of Jack and Annie as they slide out of the bus just as the bus goes kerblammo! Annie talks about how relationships that are based on intense experiences never work out. Cut to James Physically, finally after cleaning every cubic inch of the office, exhausted from cleaning the entire Studio.)

TLOTA:
WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT?! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Just as Annie is introduced to Jack’s superiors, Jack’s C.O. reminds him about the mad bombing asshole, the guy who killed his partner, the ransom, you know the unimportant stuff that has to be taken care of, THAT has to take precedent and Jack is like “Oh yeah!” but I’m sure Jack is professional enough not to… (Show clip of Annie in the middle of the situation again as James cries “YOU SON OF A BITCH IDIOT! ARGH!” then sighs and relaxes) Well this ends as you’d suspect as Payne grabs Annie, the ransom from under the garbage bag is taken and plants a bomb on Annie! Howard runs into a subway car as Jack follows in hot pursuit of Payne, Payne tries to bribe Jack when the dye packs in the money go kaboom! What’s wrong Howard? Upset when a bomb is harmless and explodes in your face! (Show clip of Howard losing it, shooting everything in sight! Cut to a blank table as bullets ricochet off everything)

TLOTA (Audio only):
It’s a good thing I coated the paint in Kevlar and Titanium otherwise I’d be in real danger! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack and Payne square off one more time as Payne realizes there can only be one! (Show clip of Howard Payne as he loses his head, literally! Cut to the rest of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) Discovering that the only way to stop is to speed through the track which is not finished either, Geez California your state sucks! I digress the subway car hits the surface and stops on a tour van and that’s where the movie ends. Annie and Jack end up in love, Payne is in Hell being blown to bits, Harry after dying being reincarnated to a man named Harry Dunne and there is a sequel that was so bad it sank and I ain’t touching it with a friggin’ iceberg! (Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
So that was “Speed” was it good? Yeah. Was it exciting? Yeah. Was it well written? Not always. Was it a fun ride? YOU BET YOUR ASS! (Cut to clips of “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is the Textbook definition of Popcorn Action Adventure! The story while not perfect flowed well to get to some awesomely amazing moments. Keanu, Sandra, and Dennis Hopper steal the movie in their performances, and this is probably the reason people still watch this movie. The number of practical effects is a joy to watch, is it perfect? Far from it. But if you’re in the right mood for something with the right abundance of fun dumb, action, adventure and comedy then this is the movie for you. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And there are two more movies on my schedule for us to see how Cool Keanu Reeves is as he goes toe to toe with the prince of darkness himself! I’m… (Lights turn on and off as it appears that everything has been bathed in a dark blue light James is now on the horseshoe couch in the lobby on a Canted Angle as the First twenty-eight seconds of “The Master Vainglorious” by Murray Gold plays in the foreground.) In the Lobby! (James looks around until he looks in the chair next to him as it looks like he’s face to face with himself sitting on a throne.) What…The…Literal…Definition…Of…Hell?! (Scene fades to Black)