The "Dawn Of" the 12th

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal.)

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Antoni Matteo Garcia, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Antoni Matteo Garcia, Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written by Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci, and “Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.) 

(The scene changes to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, looking out the front door as he hears tires screeching offscreen.)

TLOTA:
I appreciated his advice, but I need someone to help with my twelfth anniversary. It’s not like an answer is going to fall out of the sky. 

(A man screams and lands on James, as we hear two men shout “Ow!” Cut to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and Antoni Matteo Garcia on the horseshoe couch.) 

TLOTA:
So you had been there for that long? That explains a lot, anyway, what do you say? 

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I’m in James. (beat) So, what’s the movie you’re going to need help with? 

TLOTA:
Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And no way out of this one, isn’t it?

TLOTA:
Afraid not! 

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
So let’s do this! 

(Cut to the title card of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2016, “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” was DC’s first failed attempt at playing catch-up with Marvel and their cinematic universe after “Man Of Steel” was “successful.” I put it in quotation marks because, to this day, the critics and audience remain polarized over what they did; I wouldn’t call it a success or a failure. Regardless, this movie, like its predecessor, split the audience, critics, and fans of DC.

 (Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
So let’s not wait another twelve years for me to review this, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And I’m Antoni Matteo Garcia...

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
And this is...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Batman

TLOTA:
V Superman

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
Dawn Of Justice! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
We open at the funeral of Thomas and Martha Wayne. It’s fitting, seeing how this is going to kill DC’s fan base. We hear some sentences that I think are meant to be symbolic, or maybe someone is waxing philosophically about life, but I digress. These “philosophical” expositions are delivered by Ben Affleck, who portrays Bruce Wayne in this movie, as we are given Batman’s backstory during the opening credits. We see the faceless man fire the shots at Thomas, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Martha, played by Lauren Cohan, Bruce falling into the cave filled with bats, and what on earth is this?!

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans physically)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Do you have any idea what it is we’re watching?

TLOTA:
Outside of a two-and-a-half-hour waste of time that we won't get back, I am stymied about what we’re in for. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We then cut to the day when Superman and Zod fought and demolished half of Metropolis, as we see Bruce Wayne try to do a Steve Guttenberg.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
A “Steve Guttenberg”? I learned about this gentleman and his oeuvre, but what exactly do you mean?

TLOTA (V.O.):
Help as best one can when the situation deteriorates. Remember back when Los Angeles was on fire nearly five months ago, and someone helped move vehicles out of the way so that first responders could help more quickly? The one who did the most to help was Steve Guttenberg.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Oh, okay, I understand. Anyway, Bruce is also trying to get to the Metropolis branch of Wayne Enterprises by calling his associate, Jack. However, there is collateral damage, as one person caught in the destruction of the building lost his legs, and, as for Jack…well…He winds up dead!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Cut to eighteen months later, as we see a green glowing rock in the Indian Ocean, where one of Zod’s terraformers was. We then cut to Lois Lane and this universe’s version of Jimmy Olsen, a CIA agent working undercover in Africa, trying to secure an interview with a warlord. When Jimmy is exposed, the warlord takes matters into his own hands and kills him immediately. 

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
It was a bad idea to bring in one of Superman’s greatest supporting characters just to kill him off. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, physically as Zack Snyder, played by Paulo Fonseca, busts through the movie.)

Zack Snyder:
Hey bro, Jimmy Olsen was lame, bro! But the execs wanted him in! I didn’t! So, we compromised, they got Jimmy Olsen, and I got to get rid of him easily, bro! 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
Well, let me tell you about Jimmy Olsen. He represents the younger sibling who can help Superman relate to these kids these days. And for you to kill off such an established character in Superman lore is REPULSIVE! 

(Cut to stills of Jimmy Olsen from the various iterations of “Superman” on TV and in movies, as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Say what you will about Jimmy Olsen, but he was a breath of fresh air in terms of balancing the high-octane action with some moments of camaraderie. I find his idealistic optimism thoroughly charming and sweet on his greatest days. Furthermore, he can be a reliable ally, confidant, and friend to Clark and Lois.

TLOTA (V.O.):
And even though you might not have wanted to use him, killing off Jimmy Olsen doesn’t make this movie or Superman cooler; it just gets fans upset. 

(Cut to Zack Snyder)

Zack Snyder:
Listen, bro, I made the movie, I wanted as few of the established characters as I could, so I could make the film edgier and realistic, bro! 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans)

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (in unison):
QUIT CALLING US BRO, YOU ALPHA MALE WANNABE! 

(Cut to Zack Snyder)

Zack Snyder:
Well, guess what, bro! I have successfully made Superman cool again, and there is nothing on earth that can stop me! 

(A Female voice pops up and says, “I am of the earth, but not in the way you think about!” and chucks Zack Snyder over the horseshoe couch as Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod gets ready to attack, and James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, stops her.)

TLOTA:
Kyra, stop! It’s Paulo Fonseca as Zack Snyder.

Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod:
Really? My Apologies to you, Paulo Fonseca, and to you, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and to your guest... Mr.?  (Antoni Matteo Garcia walks over to the two)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Antoni Matteo Garcia, uh, Kyra?

Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod:
Yes, Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod, which, if the one called Rowdy told you about, is the same pod that caused James Faraci The Last Of The Americans to be in the state he is in now! Allow me! 

(Kyra grabs Antoni Matteo Garcia by the wrist, as his face contorts to a wide, toothy grin. James Faraci thinks, runs to the dressing room, and knocks on the door, as someone says, “Come in.” James enters.)

TLOTA:
Liv, we’re going to have to kill the bits with you as the Lindsay Naegel Studio Exec. 

(Intercut between James and Olivia Horvath as she just put the costume on.)

Olivia Horvath:
Let me guess, Kyra mistook Paulo for the real deal?

TLOTA:
Bullseye.

Olivia Horvath:
Damn that mermaid, she just has been...

TLOTA:
I know, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! 

(James closes the door as it cuts to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
The Warlord looks like he’s about to do to Lois what he did to Jimmy when Superman arrives. This causes people to discuss what happened, and for Senator Finch, played by Holly Hunter, to claim Superman as a radical element that should be controlled by all Governmental bodies, with the American one being the one with the most control. 

TLOTA (V.O.):
We then find Lois trying to relax in the bathtub after the ordeal that had just happened. Clark/Superman, played by Henry Cavill, then tries to surprise Lois with dinner. When the two have a conversation about the hearings that took place, Clark states that he cares more about Lois’ well-being than what any government wants from him. However, Lois says that “There’s Always a Cost for being a hero,” and Clark comforts her and the two decide to have a lovey-dovey rub-a-dub-dub in the bathtub!

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
After this intimate moment, we find ourselves in Gotham. Batman is there trying to rescue sex slave workers from a criminal who gets hit with, of all things, A Bat branding iron! A BAT BRANDING IRON! 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, physically with a reaction of total shock.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
You know, with all the ludicrous inventions Batman has had in the past, Bat Shark Repellant Spray, nipples on his costume, the material of his cape in the Christopher Nolan “Batman” movies, the Bat Credit Card, among others. A Bat branding iron seems the darkest thing to have.

TLOTA:
Especially since from what is discussed later, being hit with said branding iron is a bullseye the size of Texas on your ass to wind up getting killed in prison. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
We then find Alfred, played by Jeremy Irons, as he works on technology for Batman. Among them is a device that lowers Bruce Wayne’s voice, making it less recognizable. Additionally, according to the research you cited, Kevin Smith reportedly suggested this device for the movie. We then see Bruce looking for Anatoli Knyazev, one of the main villains in this movie. However, one moment that doesn’t sit well with me is the fact that Bruce Wayne refers to himself and his alter ego as criminals.  Yes, Batman is an anti-hero, but he’s not someone who goes out into the night chasing after one faceless person after another. He is also brilliant in science, criminology, medicine, forensics, and everything that makes him the world’s greatest super-sleuth. But, no time for that, Clark overhears what is happening across the bay! Yes, in this universe, Gotham and Metropolis are neighboring cities, much like they were in the Silver Age of comics, as we then... Oh boy!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh boy indeed, we meet with Lex Luthor played by, UGH!, Jesse Eisenberg, who, unlike Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey’s Lex, who are criminals, is more in line with his current form of a businessman. Still, unlike the Lex from the current comics, Jesse plays Lex like that one dude who made it rich off the internet and decided to parlay that into buying out his dad’s business and making it his own. At any rate, Lex discusses the crystals he found in Metropolis and similar ones found in the Indian Ocean, noting that these crystals have a specific effect on Kryptonians. Mainly cuts them and kills them. Lex wants an import license to bring the Kryptonite into Metropolis to weaponize it against Superman, just in case no one can tell, this guy is the villain in this piece!

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Perry assigns Clark to sports, as Superman’s reputation is tarnished. Lex wants access to the crashed Kryptonian ship and Zod’s body so he can... I have no clue what he is going to do. In this movie, it’s almost as if they’re trying to turn him into the Joker from “The Dark Knight,” Christopher Nolan movie. Clark tries to convince Perry about taking Batman seriously, but all he gets is sarcasm. Simultaneously, Lois heads to Washington, D.C., to find out where the bullet that was in her journal came from and who produced it. Coincidentally, Senator Finch blocks Lex’s Import License, which sends Lex into a mental state that would make Sigmund Freud go in an unhinged frenzy!

TLOTA (V.O.):
And here is where the first of many, many moments in which we are forced to deal with Bruce Wayne’s psyche in dream sequences that make absolutely no sense and add nothing but padding to the movie! Lois then tries to get help from her contacts in Washington, D.C., with no avail, just as Bruce Wayne discovers a connection that, unlike everyone else in this movie, reveals Anatoli Knyazev is linked to Lex Luthor. Alfred reports to Bruce about an event in Metropolis that he can attend, where, among all the madcap happenstances, Clark Kent is present as a member of the press. Coincidentally, Diana of Themyscira, played by Gal Gadot, is there. But, since we’re already aware of who she is, we don’t have to talk about her until she becomes relevant again! And it is here that Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent finally meet and talk about what else, each other! 

(Cut to the conversation between Clark and Bruce. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia and TLOTA (In Unison):
WHEN?! WHEN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!

TLOTA:
OR-HAC, please post all the headlines about Superman on the Screen. (Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, as they look at the headlines involving Superman.) Oh look, “General Zod plans to turn Earth into his new home planet, but is thwarted by Superman! Superman is public enemy number one!”

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
“Superman saves citizens of the foreign nation before war breaks out! Superman is now considered an enemy to the United Nations!”

TLOTA:
“Superman rescues astronauts from certain death when their experimental rocket fails. Superman is worse than the devil!” It sounds like, for all the good he’s doing, the media wants to make him suffer for doing good for the sake of doing good. But if someone, like say “Homelander,” does that and kills everyone, THAT is a fluff piece of journalism!

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I know, it’s times like these that make us want to drink, scream, and cry at the same time! (Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Lex tries to foreshadow the movie’s climax as Clark overhears an incident in Juarez during the Day Of The Dead celebration and does something to help. Which, of course, leads to talking heads saying “Superman’s a menace!” or, better yet, “Superman is 2+2=4! He must be stopped by the rainbow feather!” while incidents of bad things happening and Superman helping. 

(Cut to the Robert Wagner clip of No. 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers in Goldmember.” Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Meanwhile, the man who lost his legs in the Metropolis incident is set free by Lex, given a wheelchair that serves as a McGuffin for later, as Perry and Clark continue to discuss the ethical issues surrounding Batman and journalism. As Bruce Wayne meets with Diana, she explains to Bruce that the data has Military Encryption, and that the device she collected is in his car’s glove compartment. Then we come upon...

TLOTA (V.O.):
I know, the “Knightmare” scene, the scene in which Apokolips has taken over the planet, and Superman has gone rogue. “THE FLASH” sends Bruce a warning about that and tells him that “Lois is the key!” If this were written more coherently, perhaps we wouldn’t have had the issues we did with it. It was not written that way, so let’s not kid ourselves. Clark is handed evidence about Batman as Bruce discovers a ship called “The White Portuguese,” which contains the Kryptonian element. You know what, Kryptonite, it’s frigging Kryptonite! Bruce is out to get it because, according to him, “If there is even a one percent chance of Superman being what the media has claimed him to be, then we have to be 100 percent ready to end him!” 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as they both tend to their migraines with icepacks on their foreheads and massaging them simultaneously.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Shoot for who should discuss why this rivalry is as forced as trying to fit an entire wild boar into one sausage link. 

(The two count to three with James Faraci getting the Higher number!)

TLOTA:
Okay, let’s do this! 

(Cut to the MCU clips of Iron Man and Captain America as James Faraci does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The reason the rivalry between the late Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, and Steve “Captain America” Rogers worked in the MCU was that it was there from the start. Tony Stark, for all his accomplishments, still felt like Howard Stark’s bastard creation. He could have saved us from fuel problems, stopped deforestation by developing real, sustainable solutions that provide the essentials of living while repairing the damage we've caused for generations, and more. However, Tony would always have to play second fiddle to Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America. So, by the time the first “Avengers” movie came out, Tony was constantly needling Steve, poking a bear that was not meant to be poked. He came out of the first Avengers movie a little better because he decided to keep Steve closer but not allow him total leadership of anything, even “The Avengers” itself, by the time “Age of Ultron” happened. Then came “Captain America: Civil War” the moment that we knew was coming the fight to see which was better Tony in his Iron Suit still feeling like the bastard creation second fiddle and Steve being Howard’s first big success fighting not only ideologically but also as to who was the best and I will grant that the battle was exacerbated by the fact that Bucky who was brainwashed into “The Winter Soldier” killed Howard and Maria Stark but the fact the final brawl between the two ended in a draw makes it clear that Tony and Steve were doomed to never win. He still carried that anger as “Infinity War” happened. Bruce Banner tried to tell Tony to put aside the crap so that they can stop Thanos, however as reluctant as Tony was to call Steve, he almost called putting the feud to rest, however “Infinity War” ends with everyone losing then just as “Endgame” begins Tony basically lays out how much he hates Steve and wants nothing to do with Steve at the start. But by the time Tony discovered how to do what Steve had asked for, he decided to finally put his disdain for Steve aside and do what needed to be done to regain what everyone had lost. So at the end of Tony’s existence, he finally understood what Steve Rogers had been talking about and made peace with Howard, that’s why Tony and Steve’s relationship was always rocky until the end of “Endgame!” 

(Cut to the clips of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” of Bruce Wayne/Batman and Clark Kent/Superman as they fight, and James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA(V.O.):
 In this movie, it is not given time to develop; it is forced through every single time the two are in the same room or at least thinking about each other. There is no room for either of them to be both right and wrong about each other. It’s just “I’m right and the other one is wrong, and there is nothing to change my mind.” Good frigging night! My great-nieces act more mature, and there’s a ten-month gap between them; the oldest is three, and the other is two. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I couldn’t have said it better. Of course, I wouldn’t be foaming at the mouth and ranting like a lunatic like you are right now. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Lois tries to once again ask for assistance about the bullet, just as Batman and Superman meet with the latter, warning the former, “Stop your vigilantism or I will make sure that you will be in a prison cell. The choice is yours.” Batman’s response? 

(Show the “Do you bleed?!” clip. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
Do you have anything to say about it? No? Me Neither! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With the kryptonite now in Luthor’s hands, it’s time for the next part of Lex’s plan. By ensuring that Superman arrives at a hearing led by Senator Finch to condemn Him for his actions, when essentially... 

(Show the clip of Senator Finch discovering a jar of piss marked “Granny’s Peach Tea” and the bomb under Wallace’s Wheelchair going boom and Superman standing there. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
So, what do you want Superman to do now, oh great Senator Finch? Make silly clown faces for the orphaned kids and balloons for the widows?

TLOTA:
Maybe she shouldn’t have been all “Should we do something? We should do something!” in her discussions about Superman, then maybe, just MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN BARBEQUED BY THE SUICIDE BOMBING LEX LUTHOR DID JUST TO DISCREDIT SUPERMAN EVEN FURTHER! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And just as Superman decides that he was wrong to do good, WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING SUPERMAN SHOULD EVER HAVE COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH, and heads off to exile in Parts unknown, Bruce finally gets through all the decoding and gets the Kryptonite to weaponize it against Superman. We also get a montage of Bruce training and decrypting the data even further, discovering Diana’s picture, which is a Deus Ex Machina for the opening of the Wonder Woman Movie. Meanwhile, Swanwick from “Man of Steel” helps Lois discover that the incident that happened in Africa was a setup by Lex Luthor. However, Swanwick refuses to go on record, and Lois realizes someone played her like a Gameboy. Wow, that reminds me I’m old. Meanwhile, in exile, Superman encounters a ghost of Jonathan Kent, who discusses how his heroic actions led to the Lang Family losing their farm. Which only has me asking what the point of this whole story about how heroic actions have consequences? Meanwhile, Bruce wonders if this final battle against Superman will end well, even if he defeats him, as Alfred bemoans the end of Bruce Wayne.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
I’m just wondering. Why does Kevin Costner loathe Hollywood and acting, when it has made him successful?

TLOTA (V.O.):
In the meantime, Lex Luthor hijacks the Kryptonian technology in the crashed ship to create his master plan. Of course, it involves kidnapping Lois Lane. But then again, she hasn’t done much in this movie anyway, except being a Deus Ex Machina for Superman, as he finally confronts Lex. However, Lex has an ace up his sleeve. He has kidnapped Ma Kent, once again played by Diane Lane, plans on killing her, and complains that because Superman wasn’t there when Lex’s daddy punished the Lex we know in these movies. This is all because Lex’s daddy suffered under Soviet German rule and hated how his son had it easier. However, there is one way, according to Lex, to stop his plan: to kill Batman or to save his mom. Leading to the final showdown between Superman and Batman. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
If it had been done better, I would have enjoyed it! 

(Cut to the “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns” animated movie and the fight at the end of it as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In something like “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns,” it was handled with the dignity of the material. Granted, it is Frank Miller’s writing. However, it was acknowledged that Superman and Batman, while somewhat in step with one another, were friends by chance, not by any other factor. Plus, the two were eventually going to scrap. When it ended, both had lost and won at the same time. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Back to the movie at hand, Diana receives an email from Bruce that gives us the chance to have The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman debut so quickly in this movie. This super-rushed team-up is the textbook definition of ramming every single thing down our throats until we suffocate to death! Meanwhile, as the battle comes to its conclusion, we get... the moment! The moment that DEFIES all comprehension, let alone understanding! Why did Superman say, “Martha?” What was this battle all about? Why did Lois Lane arrive to point out the obvious to Batman? It doesn’t make a lick of freaking sense!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, because of whatever the point of the Martha Moment was, it finally pulls the stick out of Batman’s ass and he, to make up for some of his xenophobia towards Superman, will rescue Martha. With Lex’s plans of seeing Batman or Superman or maybe even both dying going up in smoke, because Batman DID get Martha away from her captors before they end up killing themselves, he unleashes a monster created by the DNA of himself and that of the Kryptonian corpse of Zod, and... 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
Wait a second, Lex Luthor’s DNA plus...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Kryptonian DNA? Would that equate to... NO, they wouldn’t bloody dare!

TLOTA:
They shouldn’t do it. Because the last time we wound up with Nuclear Man in “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”! 

(Cut to the reveal of “Doomsday” in “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.” Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, physically.)

TLOTA:
Well, Snyder, congratulations are in order, way to go for making the most epic DC failure SINCE “SUPERGIRL THE MOVIE,” “SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE,” “BATMAN & ROBIN,” “STEEL,” and RYAN REYNOLDS’ “GREEN LANTERN” MOVIE! 

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Do you feel better now?

TLOTA:
No, we got another twenty-five minutes plus of this abomination, and now we have to toss in whatever else Zack has done! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
So, this ungodly abomination that’s supposed to be Doomsday is getting ready for a fight, just as Diana hears about it in a news report. Batman goes to fight it with whatever he has in stock, as Superman and Doomsday duke it out. 

TLOTA (V.O.):
But knowing the devices that can hurt the creature are the Kryptonite weapons Batman has made, but all that’s left is a spear that Lois foolishly chucked into the drink. This might be curtains for the Dark Knight when...

(Show clip of Wonder Woman joining in the fight. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Okay, one bright spot is the portrayal of Wonder Woman in this movie. 

TLOTA:
And, believe it or not, this is where I first heard of Gal Gadot and saw her performance as Wonder Woman. No wonder Patty Jenkins thought Gal’s performance could hold a Wonder Woman movie together. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
The DC Trinity tries to fight Doomsday with what they have. However, Superman notices that Lois is trapped in the water, with the only thing left to stop Doomsday.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman rescues Lois again, and before this review ends, I wish to go on record once more in saying that it’s sad that the first comic-book-accurate, physically looking “Doomsday” was on “Smallville.” Then, in one last act, the spear kills Doomsday while Doomsday kills Superman.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
This led to many audiences reacting in a similar manner. (Cut to a conga line of Team TLOTA and Antoni Matteo Garcia dressed as online trolls as they conga “Superman is De-ead! He’s going to Hell For-Ever!” ten times. Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.) And with that, Lex Luthor is arrested for his crimes and shaven bald as a plucked chicken. The world that matters mourns the loss in the only way it can. With Martha holding a private funeral for her son and Lois being with her to grieve, the nation buries the concept of Superman in a national funeral honoring the dead. Bruce bemoans the fact that he failed Clark and Superman and asks Diana to help him fight for what Superman fought for and died for. Although this world isn’t perfect, there is still good on this planet.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Bruce confronts Lex in Prison, letting him know that he will be watching. The movie ends with Lois tossing dirt, which lifts off Clark’s casket, setting up for the Justice League movie. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
Which I already reviewed seven years ago, when it was a better time for me, it goes without saying that...

Antoni Matteo Garcia and TLOTA (In Unison):
THIS MOVIE SUCKS BULL DUNG LACED WITH KRYPTONITE!  

(Cut to clips of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I will give the movie the following positives: The action was good; it flowed well, and it didn’t move at a snail’s pace. Ben Affleck, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter, Gal Gadot, and so many others, save for Jesse Eisenberg, really put their best efforts into making this movie. Plus, the opening’s pacing gave us Batman’s backstory without going through an hour and a half of it. However, much of that is diluted by the fact that the frame rate is woefully inaccurate, often switching between 4:3 and 16:9 at different times. The plot is a senseless mess, the drama is ham-fisted, and I really don’t understand what the point of Lex’s plans was. A lot of it was about catching up and keeping up with the neighbors, and the cost was often the usual in a movie like this: the quality. The Lack of quality hurt this movie and the entire universe. If anything, I would watch it just if there was nothing else on.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
This film was an overall mess of contrivances, rushed plots, and unnecessary melodrama, all for the sake of creating gravity and tension. The ending truly frustrates me because I have always believed that Superman is one superhero who should never die. But here is this damn film making me lose all hope! Jesse Eisenberg never struck me as an actor who could pull off Lex Luthor, and he is woefully miscast. Granted, the likes of Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, and Gal Gadot do their damndest to make this work. However, the overwrought writing and many of the film’s faults make this indubitably unmemorable. I would rather stick with the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited cartoons for awesomely woven storylines in an animated television series format, thank you very much. As for this mess, well, I might as well go chuck this in the phantom zone for good and for all!

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
 Thank you for helping me out with this review.

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Anytime, Oh, don’t forget, next month, James Daniel Walsh is getting everyone together for rehearsals for Celebrity Family Feud. We’ve been invited to participate. 

TLOTA:
I know, and we’re going up against...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I think we all know who they are, and we will beat them for the site’s charity.

TLOTA:
Well I will rehearse with Rowdy until then, in between Reality Checkout and the rest of the July workload. (Turns to the camera) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans- 

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And I’m Antoni Matteo Garcia.

TLOTA and Antoni Matteo Garcia (In Unison):
And that’s our opinion.

How to successfully go from reviewers to "Producers" with very little effort Part 1

(Scene opens on a glorious overhead shot of Sullivan County before the camera pans up to see the words “The Last Of The Americans” in lights while an orchestral version of the opening overture to “The Producers” movie musical before cutting to the building that houses James’ studio as “Opening Night” Soundalike plays and a Chorus sings “Opening Act! Opening Act! It’s the Opening ACT!” before seeing a group of well dressed women played by Rebecca Yaun, Renee Miller, Brenda Fonseca and Olivia Horvath come stepping out of James’ Studio Front Door)

The group of well dressed women (Singing):

It’s the opening act of James’ review show. Will it flop? Or will it go? The cast’s been given their scripts and learning their lines, blocking and choreographing scenes and getting costumed on time. Here comes everyone now, the doors are open and they’re getting a drink, let’s hear what they have to think! (Everyone comes out.)

Everyone (Singing):

You’ve done it again! You’ve done it again. By the skin of your teeth you’ve done it again! We can’t believe it, you wouldn’t conceive it!

TLOTA (Singing):

How’d I achieve it?

Everyone (Singing):

IT’S THE CRAZIEST ONE OF THEM ALL!  We sat there weeping, laughing and crying! There’s no denying IT’S THE CRAZIEST ONE OF THEM ALL!

All the women (Singing):

Though you wanted to try to keep sane!

All the men (Singing):

But you’re nuts and sane is just lame!

Everyone (Singing):

James Faraci has done it again! The Book was cooked like a turkey the songs are on repeat. How crazy are you from the heat?

TLOTA:

That’s like asking what’s at the bottom of the Mariana’s Trench?

Everyone (singing):

You can feel the laughter!

The group of well dressed women (Singing):

Drowning in it like water!

Everyone (singing):

We know this cannot be? A musical review of a musical movie? That’s starring that crazy (Cut to the outside of James’ Office Door which ends the opening act) James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! WHAT A NUT! (Cut to James on the phone.)

TLOTA:

I wouldn’t ask for help mom if I wasn’t that desperate! No mom, I haven’t gotten the check yet. Yeah, okay, sent the check to… 324? MOM, I’M AT 326! Wait you tried to call who to send the check to me? Mom, Dr. Plotsz moved out a few months ago! At least you didn’t… OH mom tell me you didn’t’… You made the check out to “Cash”?! Great, for all I know the people in 324 have made off with the money and the next thing I‘ll hear is dad basically complaining that I have Stuff in the house again! Okay, I’ll ask whoever is in 324 and see if they’ll let me have the cash they took. I love you too, see you for dinner! Bye! (James slams the phone back on the receiver and shouts “DAMN IT!” then walking out of his studio but before he leaves he checks in on the team.)

TLOTA:

Hey guys, I’m sorry you haven’t gotten a paycheck, my mom sent the rent check to 324! (Cut to the team.)

Everyone (In unison):

GO!

Paulo Fonseca:

We know about the confusion.

Brenda Fonseca:

And against you telling us we picked up the slack.

Renee Miller:

Truth be told we nearly started an online crowdfunding campaign to keep the studio going but it would’ve been a hassle.

John Ross Santos:

Just go and get the money!

TLOTA:

Fine, I mean it’s not like the plot of both the original and musical version of “The Producers” (Cut to stills of both the original and the musical version as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

And with all the crowdfunding sites, I’m surprised criminals haven’t done “Springtime For Hitler”-esque schemes. For those wondering “The Producers” is about a down and out Broadway Producer named Max Bialystock who teams up with a Public Accountant named Leo Bloom both find the worst show they could find in hopes to end their careers with money to escape the states to Rio where I think extradition of embezzlers to our Government ain’t gonna happen! But when their plan backfires and the show becomes a success well there is a difference between the original and the musical and the movie adaptation of said musical in how they react for the most part. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I mean I’m not gonna wind up helping people who willingly took my mom’s money. That’d be wrong of me, unless I can be assured they’ll pay me back if they have taken the money or I take it from their still hurting bodies after I’m done with them! (James walks over to the office next to him and opens the outside door before being stopped by the inside door and he knocks before the door opens and the host comes face to face with James.)

Alex Tallycost (Played by Eric Kurtzke):

Hello, I’m Alex Tallycost, I take it you’re here to drop off a script for me to look at and make it a reality?

TLOTA:

Uh nooooooooooo, I’m your neighbor James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and you just so happen to have a check marked “Cash” from my mom!

Alex Tallycost:

Any money given to me is given willingly, how dare you condemn me without the facts.

TLOTA:

DUDE! I’M NOT CONDEMNING YOU! ALL I’M ASKING IS FOR THE ENVELOPE WITH MY NAME ON IT AND THE CHECK INSIDE.

Alex Tallycost:

Well then come in, all my mail is in my inbox Mr. Faraci is it?

TLOTA:

Call me James. My dad is Mr. Faraci (Cut to James as he enters and sees a pile of scripts, a man working on calculations.)

TLOTA:

Don’t mind me, I’m James. You are?

Theodore Flume (Played by Diego Torres Kuri):

I’m Theodore Flume and I’m trying to figure out how to make these figures work.

TLOTA:

Does the figures include the fiduciary responsibility to repay the backers? (Alex shouts “AH-HA!” as he walks to the two.)

Alex Tallycost:

Here’s the rub, they send me the money willingly and I only pay them back if the show is a hit but for the past few years, nothing but flops and now I need the rent.

TLOTA:

Welcome to my hell! Ah, here it is, my mom’s check. Well I think I’ve been here long enough. Good day and remember if you need anything except for money, I’m always willing to help.

Alex Tallycost & Theodore Flume (In Unison):

Thanks

TLOTA:

Anytime. (James shoves the check in his pants and starts to walk away.)

Theodore Flume (Audio only):

Amazing, under the circumstances, we made more money with our flop than they did with our last hit!

TLOTA:

Didn’t hear that, Uwe Boll fanatic! (Alex Tallycost grabs James by his rent check)

Alex Tallycost:

Yes you did and now you are a part of the plan.

TLOTA & Theodore Flume (In Unison):

Plan?! What plan?!

Alex Tallycost:

It’s simple. (Music soundalike to “We Can Do It!” plays in the foreground) Step one: We find the worst play or musical ever made, Step two: We call upon the worst director we know to direct it, Step Three: I go to my usual backers and we get three million dollars. One Million for me, One for Theodore and One for you James my boy, there’s quite a few old ladies out there! Step Four: We open on Broadway and faster than you can say Step Five: We close on Broadway, take the cash and go some tropical paradise where we cannot be extradited.

TLOTA:

You two can do whatever you want, JUST COUNT ME OUT!

Alex Tallycost:

Oh ye of little desire! 

Alex Tallycost (Singing):

What did Lewis say to Clark as they headed out Northwest? What did Thomas Edison do when he wasn’t trying to do his best? What did the troops who defended the Alamo do as they saw Santa Anna! You know don’t ya? 

TLOTA:

Yes!

Theodore Flume:

No, what did they say?

TLOTA:

Son of a…

Alex Tallycost (Singing):

We will succeed! We will succeed! We will succeed you and me! We will succeed! We will succeed! We shall have everything we need! All the things we’ve dreamed of is within our reach! Beautiful girls wearing so many pearls! Caressing you, addressing you, making you screech! (James grabs the check and shouts “Not with my mom’s money!” as he tries to head for the door and the three have a well-choreographed chase dance as James leaps through and out the studio with check in hand as James puts it in his outgoing mail slot just as Alex and Theo mere seconds after the check is sent out!) WE WILL SUCCEED! This is not the time to fear! We will succeed! It’s a reality! Say goodbye to average joe! Hi producer! Yes producer! We mean you sir, filled with quirk! We will succeed! We will succeed, and we’ll never ever have to work!

Theodore Flume:

I’m in!

Alex & Theo (In unison):

What about you?

TLOTA (Singing):

What do I say, finally a producer?

Alex & Theo (In Unison):

YES!

TLOTA (Singing):

What do I say, finally a chance to do a show, sir?

Alex & Theo (In Unison):

YES!

TLOTA (Singing):

What do I say? What do I say? Here’s what I say to you sirs!

Alex & Theo (In Unison):

YES!

TLOTA:

NO! 

Alex & Theo (In Unison):

NO?

TLOTA:

Yes, I am saying NO to the two of you! I just put the check my mom gave me to the slot to the Landlord. I have enough to deal with in my own studio! (Cut to Alex and Theo looking at each other as the “Unhappy/ I Wanna Be A Producer” soundalike plays before cutting to Team TLOTA in James’ Studio as they sigh OY! As they lug props and costumes)

Team TLOTA (Singing in harmony):

We’re crazy! We’re Crazy! Tooootally Crazy! We’re crazy! We’re Crazy! Totally, Totally, Totally, Totally Crazy! (Camera pans to James, Alex & Theo)

Alex Tallycost:

So, this is your studio. Filled with props and costumes

Theodore Flume:

You work here and so do your friends?

TLOTA:

Pretty much, Oh, by the by, Guys the rent is paid and just in case our guests have forgot (James joins in with Team TLOTA)

James & Team TLOTA (Singing in harmony):

We’re crazy! We’re Crazy! Totally, Totally, Totally, Totally Crazy (Cut to Alex and Theo)

Theodore Flume:

You know with all these props and costumes; you guys must be doing something like us. (Cut to James and Team TLOTA)

TLOTA:

Not really. (Singing): I spend my nights here watching movies, TV and such!

Team TLOTA (Singing):

We’re Crazy!

TLOTA (Singing):

To what is our yearly take home, the numbers aren’t much!

Team TLOTA (Singing):

We’re Crazy!

TLOTA (Singing):

But I’m in a good position, fulfills my creative soul and it takes people a while to know me in this ro-oo-le! (James grabs a fancy magicians’ hat and cane) I’m an internet reviewer, with a following on the net. I’m an internet reviewer, Studios sees me as a threat. I’m an internet reviewer, To Hollywood I’m a paa-i-n. I’m an internet reviewer and I can describe myself as insane (James taps the cane onto the door to the right and it glows a golden radiance and Alex and Theodore look before seeing the door open and a troupe of female chorus dancers sashay past the duo including the last one who looks like she’s been there for too long as they form a line behind James) I’m an Internet Reviewer and I sleep for an hour or two. I’m an internet reviewer and I make sketches with things that go Pew-Pew and of course (James tosses a grenade offscreen then cut to Deadpool played by Cambell Dodson as the grenade lands at his feet.)

Deadpool:

OH CANADA! (The grenade explodes leaving Deadpool hurt in a cartoonish way.) Kaboom (Deadpool drops as females go OOH before James slides the scene back to the line of female chorus dancers and James slides in)

TLOTA (Singing):

I’m an Internet Reviewer try to watch movies every niiiii-iiiight! (James leaps over Alex & Theo and the two turns over to see James at the main door) I’m an Internet Reviewer and you can see me James Faraci The Last Of The Americans on these sites! (James points down to http://www.manic-expression.com/ & https://jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com/ then walks through the door and onto a Broadway stage that had James’ name and Title on Marquees as James and a troupe of Female Chorus Dancers as he dances with them before the biggest Marquee shows James’s Name and Title takes up the screen as James is in the center of the female Chorus Troupe as they dance up the backside of the marquee)

Female Chorus Dancers (Singing):

He’s an Internet Reviewer who gets knocked down on his ass! He’s an Internet Reviewer constantly strapped for cash. He’s an Internet Reviewer smacked around ‘till he cries…(Show James getting hit and crying in pain before the last in the Chorus Line knocks him on his ass and James cries “Ouch” and the Chorus continue to hurt him as they dance) He’s an Internet Reviewer who sleeps on a horseshoe couch!  (Show James as he gets his ass handed to him as the Female Chorus Dancers continue to kick his ass and dance at the same time.)

TLOTA (Singing):

I can be seen! (Cut to female chorus)

Female Chorus:

On Computer screens! (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Singing):

Or Smart TVs (Cut to female chorus)

Female Chorus:

Or anything (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Singing):

With an Internet connection out there in the WORLD! (James holds on the word “WORLD” as the female chorus sings “He has to deal with Happy Madison’s POOP!”) I’m an internet reviewer, watching good and bad movies until I Puke! 

Female Chorus (singing Audio only):

Watching movies till he pukes! 

TLOTA (Singing):

I’m an Internet Reviewer hitting Hollywood with every shot! I’m gonna knock ‘em down straight to the bottom! Stuff them all in one big coffin! I’m an Internet Reviewer! (James screams as he’s tossed off the stage then cut to James as he walks in the door to his studio, takes off his hat and puts his cane away) It’s what I’m good at whether people like it or not! (Team TLOTA sings “We’re Crazy! Very, very!” as James sings “I’m an internet reviewer” while walking away for two seconds while Alex and Theo have a conversation before they accost James)

Alex Tallycost:

Wait a second, James, turn around and look. All this stuff, the sketches, the songs, the effort you put into this. James, you are one of us, YOU ARE A PRODUCER! Look at me, if we do this together, we will make so much money you’ll never have to worry about rent. You can do more than reviews! TV Series, Movies, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO MAKE! Think about it!

TLOTA:

That does sound tempting.  Guys do you think we…

Team TLOTA (In Unison):

YES!

(Music sound-alike to “We Can Do it” Reprise”)

TLOTA:

Well it’s official. We’ll work together and…(Singing):

We will succeed! (Cut to everyone dancing, Team TLOTA singing “We’re going to be producers” as James sing “We Will Succeed! We shall expand our grasp! With my connections and your intentions”)

Alex Tallycost, Theodore Flume & TLOTA (Singing):

Up together we shall zoom! 

Everyone (Singing in unison):

We Will Succeed! We Will Succeed!

TLOTA (Singing):

Get ready to have things go KA-BOOOOM! 

Alex Tallycost, Theodore Flume & TLOTA (Singing in unison):

We are fated to be creative. We’re Faraci, Tallycost and Flume! (Everyone else cheers in musical jubilation then cutting to James and Team TLOTA looking over scripts.)

Paulo Fonseca:

So… is this part of the Producing process?

Olivia Horvath:

Yep, reading a lot of scripts is fifty five percent of the job as is going through a TON of material!

TLOTA:

And that’s nothing, I’ve got to make sure that the props and costumes will work within small venue stages properly, unless they have connections to Broadway, which something tells me they do. But how they kept those connections is surprising even after flops. (Cut to stills of The Producers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

And that is something I found implausible about Max Bialystock’s character. How after so many failed productions he still has connections unless he’s like the relationship of Brock Lesnar and The McMahons and has some dirty laundry hanging over them. But what I like about Max’s job is how accurate it is. Believe it or not writers submit a lot and Producers go through Forests filled with scripts just to get the ones they like and push ahead with the project. (Cut to James and the rest of Team TLOTA)

John Santos:

Kind of how WWE is doing things. Instead of listening to the fans and tell Lesnar to drop the strap and go the hell away. They’re letting him run roughshod and the fans suffer and that’s only on Raw on Smackdown It’s worse.

Mike Santos:

Well it is better than how they’re doing at that other company.

Ed Champion:

Hey James, how about this one? (Ed Hands James the Script he’s looking at.)

TLOTA:

A Musical that shows George Washington as an idiot and the American Revolutionaries as butthurt because 2+2 must equal IFLYDACHOOCHOOTRAIN! PASS! I’m not looking for a Hamilton knockoff.

Nick Yaun:

Hey James, you got a meeting with the duo in about five minutes.

Rebecca Yaun:

Maybe they have a script more to your liking.

TLOTA:

Hope so. (James walks over to Tallycost and Flume’s office) So guys any progress?

Alex & Theo (In Unison):

Nope.

Alex Tallycost:

But it is hard given the restrictions you’ve put on us.

Theodore Flume:

I’ve been reading the same scripts since yesterday! This is maddening!

TLOTA:

FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS! WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING! A SCRIPT LIKE THE ONE WE NEED ISN’T GONNA FALL FROM THE SKY! (Cut to the top of the pile of scripts as it starts to shake and then land on the trio as they scream then cut to James’ Head, Alex and Theo’s head pop up!)

TLOTA:

I guess I could be wrong! (A script lands in the center of the three and Alex pulls his hand out of the pile to grab the scrpit)

Alex Tallycost:

Do you have some sort of ability to have something that someone find the one thing they want?

TLOTA:

I Wish, I just sent a message to my colleagues to get us out of the pile. (Cut to the three after they get out of the pile and Alex holding the script he saw.)

Alex Tallycost:

While we were getting out of that, I found this as the last script that landed. Do you see it?

TLOTA:

Yes.

Alex Tallycost:

Smell it (James looks confused as Theo smells it and then James puts his nose to smell it) Touch it! (James looks even more confused as he touches it as does Theo.) Kiss it! KISS IT!

TLOTA:

NO! And Theo if you kiss it, the next thing you’ll be kissing is my fist then the ground, Six feet of it!  Now What is that Script?

Alex Tallycost:

It’s the motherload! Read the title! (James grabs the script)

TLOTA:

“The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” “A gay romp in the middle east with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden & The only American President Barack Obama” SERIOUSLY?!

Alex Tallycost:

It’s perfect!

TLOTA:

IT’S FRIGGIN GARBAGE! I’D RATHER BE PRODUCING THE HAMILTON KNOCK OFF THAT I REJECTED!

Alex Tallycost:

But it’s better and do you know why?

TLOTA:

I’m afraid to ask but why?

Alex Tallycost:

Because my dear James we’re halfway there with this script. Now all we have to do is get the rights from the writer. Theo, whose accredited as the writer?

Theodore Flume:

Hassan Bin Onsonar!

TLOTA:

That cannot be his real moniker! (Theodore shows the page that shows the name of the author of the play) Well, I’ll be damned, it is! So, you two deal with this Hassan Bin Onsonar and I’ll meet up with the director you have in mind. 

Theodore Flume:

Who did we have in mind?

Alex Tallycost:

She’s an old dear friend of mine, Rhonda Degree!

TLOTA:

Rhonda “Preview night closer” Degree?

Alex and Theo (In Shocked Unison):

You know her?

TLOTA:

Yeah, I know her, she was in 324 before you guys were here.

Alex Tallycost:

So you’re old friends then? 

TLOTA:

Well now I wouldn't say that.

Alex Tallycost:

Well we’ll see you at her place then since you know where she lives and let us not forget

TLOTA, Alex & Theo (Singing in unison):

We're gonna be the producers of our great big Broadway show! (Alex, Theo and James try to step out the door at the same time to only be comedically stuck in the doorway before James and Theo back up to let Alex out first, followed by Theo and then James as he closes the door, the scene cuts to a rooftop where an Middle Eastern Man played by Paulo Fonseca Is taking care of goats when Alex and Theo arrive.) 

Alex Tallycost:

Hassan Bin Onsonar? (Hassan turns to his pen in fear)

Hassan:

I am not a member of any terrorist organization! I served in the Middle East to protect the people! I had nothing to do with Saddam & Osama escaping the Americans for as long as they did! I lived on the borders of the Holy Land! Right next to Israel! All I heard was prayers! (Hassan makes the same praying noises he heard in Israel) Who are you? What do you want? My paperwork is in order tell Trump he can suck my…

Alex Tallycost:

Relax Mr. Bin Onsonar, We're not from the government, we’re producers. My name is Alex Tallycost and this Is my associate Mr. Theodore Flume, We're here about your show.

Hassan:

My show? You mean the summer of (Hassan looks around in fear for two seconds) them?

Alex Tallycost:

That's the one!

Hassan: 

What about it?

Alex Tallycost:

Me, my partner and our associate Mr. James Faraci, find it to be wonderful, magnificent, stupendous we're gonna put it on Broadway!

Hassan:

Broadway? OH, PRAISE BE TO ALLAH! I AM GOING TO BROADWAY! I MUST GO AND TELL THE GOATS! GOATS! GOATS DO YOU HEAR?! Oh, Abdul, Bashaarat, Dabir, Erol, Farhaan, Fard!  Barack, Osama & Saddam! Do you hear? We’re finally going to show the United States the reality! You know not many people knew this about Saddam and Osama, but they shared E-Mails about how great the Middle East is with Barack Obama and how they would’ve made all of us richer than Sultans.

Alex:

Gee, I never heard about…

Hassan:

THAT IS BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THAT SATAN FOX NEWS! With their Journalistic integrity, their shows that allowed Women to speak and show more than their eyes and their rotten stories about how evil all my Middle Eastern Family and Friends are! ROTTEN! CNN and those other news networks are the real news. They can cover the same stories in one day! Two times!

Alex Tallycost:

Well, that’s why we’re here to send the message of the memories of Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden & Barack Obama that you know of, The Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden & Barack Obama that had a Prayer to Allah on the lips and a fatwah to the American Dream straight to Broadway. Sign! Sign on the dotted line and we’ll make your dream a reality. 

Hassan:

No, not until you do one thing!

Alex and Theo (In Unison):

What one thing? (Cut to James outside of the town house of Rhonda Degree)

TLOTA:

HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?! (Cut to Hassan, Alex and Theo)

Hassan:

YOU MUST TAKE THE OATH OF ALLAH! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:

I think I can help make things easier. DEADPOOL! (A Whistling sound is heard and then a crash as Deadpool played by Cambell Dodson walks over to James shakes off the Debris from his landing.)

Deadpool:

What do you want Cochise? (James whispers into Deadpool’s ear) Ooh, sounds like fun! (Deadpool walks out of frame to see James getting pushed to the left as the scene becomes split between James and Hassan and Alex and Theo) Okay James, if you need me for anything let me know.

TLOTA:

You got it! (James peeks over the Split screen) Okay, Now, this Oath of Allah, what must I do, say and wear.

Hassan:

You must wear this (Hassan gives James Traditions Muslim Kufi then gives it to Alex & Theo) Now Repeat after me. I swear on the Quran (James, Alex and Theo repeat) To obey the Oath of Allah! (James, Alex and Theo repeat) AND (James, Alex and Theo repeat) UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH! (James repeats questioningly as Alex and Theo say so without question) DISHONOR THE SPIRITS AND MEMORIES OF BARACK HUSSEIN MARY OBAMA, SADDAM ELIZABETH HUSSEIN AND OSAMA CATHERINE BIN LADEN! (James, Alex and Theo repeat until they say “Of” before James asks “Mary?”, Alex says “Elizabeth?” and Theo says “Catherine?”) Oh yeah, even fewer people knew that Barack, Saddam and Osama were descended from English royalty!

TLOTA:

Really?

Hassan:

Yes! 

TLOTA:

ALLRIGHTY THEN! (James, Alex and Theo say “Barack Hussein Mary Obama, Saddam Elizabeth Hussein and Osama Catherine Bin Laden”)

Hassan Bin Onsonar:

Excellent, now to sign on the dotted line and together we shall share the spoils of our Victory!

TLOTA:

Yeah, okay guys jump the split screen, Hassan, we’ll see you later when we begin pre-production and casting. Bye! (James shoves the portion of the split screen that has Hassan Bin Onsonar off as he says, “What nice American pigs!” and Hassan’s side crashes and James grabs Alex and Theo’s Kufis and James takes his kufi off and tosses them off screen!)

Theodore Flume:

Um, I must ask, how did ANY of this work?

TLOTA:

Through the magic of Mel Brooks! (Cut to clips of Mel Brooks’ movies and other works including the original version, The Broadway Production of and the Movie Musical version of “The Producers” as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

And really that’s the best way to describe the movies Mel Brooks have directed, produced and either co-starring or starring in and I love them! He made one of the greatest sitcoms taking the air out of the spy genre with the series “Get Smart” to making us laugh at how white bread most westerns even though a lot of the Westerns I’ve seen are very diverse and they appear to treat people of different ethnicities with decency but that’s neither here nor there. What really surprised me is how many well revered earning an Emmy, Grammy and One Academy Award and Three Tony Awards for “The Producers”. He created his production company Brooksfilm and had David Lynch direct “The Elephant Man” and David Cronenberg direct a remake of “The Fly” and while the sequel for “The Fly” was not as successful it was entertaining. Then came the parodies of the late 1980’s-Early 1990’s. For many people they were a low point, to me I love “Spaceballs”, I love “Robin Hood: Men In Tights”, even Mel’s last directorial effort “Dracula: Dead & Loving It” was entertaining as he took the pomposity out of the overblown and overly long “Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula”. It’s just a shame he isn’t directing anymore but to know his movies are still here for our enjoyment is something that no one can take away! (Cut to James, Alex and Theo on the front porch of Rhonda Degree’s town house)

TLOTA:

At any rate, we’re just in time for our meeting with Rhonda. (James prepares to knock on the door as a man dressed in a black unitard played by Antoni Matteo Garcia as he says “Yes” and holds on the s for five seconds) Hi there, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, these are my associates Mr. Alexander Tallycost and Theodore Flume we’re here to see Rhonda. (A man dressed in a black unitard looks over the three with his glasses before he addresses them)

Calvin Chia (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia):

My name is Calvin Chia, Miss Rhonda Degree’s personal associate and I must insist that you take off your shoes, your coats and hats. (Cut to James, Alex and Theo)

TLOTA:

Of course. (James takes his boots and a bird falls from the sky D.O.A before cutting to Calvin, James, Alex and Theo walking to the couch.)

Calvin Chia:

Have a seat, OH RHONDA! We’re not alone! (The three try to get comfortable) Heeeere’s Rhonda! (Rhonda Degree played by Circe Rae Mears enters with a mermaid top and a skirt made of Green Metallic grass and a tail covering her butt before cutting to James, Alex and Theo on the couch.)

TLOTA:

Rhonda! It’s been a dog’s age! (Cut to Rhonda)

Rhonda Degree:

Ah Messieurs Faraci, Tallycost and Flume! Oh! Forgive the pun! (James gets hit on the face with the tail as he sits there)

Theodore Flume:

What Pun?

Alex Tallycost:

Shut up, she thinks she’s witty! How delightful to see you again! (Cut to Rhonda and Calvin)

Rhonda Degree:

It has been forever, are you enjoying the space next to him? (Cut to James as he tries to pick himself up)

TLOTA:

Actually, I almost lost my studio because they had the other half of my rent money, now I’m here. Anyway, did you get the script we sent you?

Rhonda Degree:

Read it, loved it! And it was so informative, for instance did you know Iraq, Iran and Israel were in the Middle East?

Alex Tallycost:

Well, we all learn something new every day. (Rhonda puts her hand up)

Rhonda Degree:

Your friend is staring at my costume! Tonight, is the annual Costume Ball and I’m going as Ariel from The Little Mermaid (Rhonda turns and smacks James again) though I think I look more like Charlie The Tuna! 

Calvin Chia:

Well if you ask me without your wig you’re not fully dressed.

Rhonda Degree:

Well then get it, O Wicked Witch! (Calvin starts to cry)

Calvin Chia:

If your intent was to stab me through the heart…. BULLSEYE! (Cut to James as he gets up)

TLOTA:

Rhonda, trust me you do not look like Charlie The Tuna! I’ve seen some attractive mermaids and you rank right up there amongst them (Rhonda turns around and sends a lamp flying with her tail that bounces off the wall and hits James in the head shattering on impact)

Rhonda Degree:

Oh thank you for the compliment James. Now (Rhonda turns around and smacks James yet again and a soundalike to “Keep It Gay” starts) about me directing this I simply cannot, it is not my cup of tea! (James gets back up on his feet before getting smacked by Rhonda’s tail again)

Rhonda Degree (Singing):

All Theatre shows are obsessed with hammering messages so incensed, it’s hard to watch a show on Broadway!  Shows should be silly, they should have great stories, everyone must be… What’s the word? (Cut to James as he tries to get back up and says “Entertaining?” before cutting to Alex, Theo, Rhonda and Calvin as he holds the Ariel wig as Rhonda shouts “Yes!”)

Rhonda Degree (Singing):

No matter what you hear on the news, leave it be, dance and sing, entertain! If it doesn’t affect your day, don’t complain, it’s a pain, entertaaain!  (Rhonda turns to Calvin and James get smacked in the head again)

Calvin Chia (Singing):

People don’t need the news everywhere that they go. The only thing people need is a laugh or two or so!

Rhonda and Calvin (Singing in harmony):

A happy story will hold anger at bay!

Rhonda:

Hamilton wouldn’t be a bore

Calvin Chia (Singing):

If the show was about the real Revolutionary War!

Rhonda (Singing):

Entertain!

Calvin (Singing):

Entertain!

Rhonda and Calvin (Singing in harmony):

Entertaaain!

Alex:

Couldn’t disagree with you and you have our blessing to make “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” as entertaining as you want to.

Rhonda:

Oh thank you Alex, but I feel I cannot do it any justice. Still with all things being fair, maybe I should ask my production team! (Rhonda turns around and James gets smacked in the face and knocked down again by Rhonda’s tail!) HEY EVERYONE, COME AND MEET FARACI, TALLYCOST AND FLUME! Behold my set designer, Brenda! (Brenda played by Ariel Mears makes it down the spiral stairs)

Brenda (Singing):

Make it loud, make it bright! ENTERTAAAAIN!

Rhonda (Off-Screen):

My Costume maker, Zelda (Zelda played by Olivia Horvath comes down the spiral stairs)

Zelda (Singing):

Hello, make it pretty, make it Glittery, Entertain!

Brenda and Zelda (Singing in harmony as James tries to get back up on his feet):

We’re intelligent, incredible it’s our job to see that everything is just right for Rhonda Degree!

Rhonda:

My choreographer, Bruce (Cut to the spiral staircase as Bruce played by Alberto Rodriguez says, “Hi there!” slides down the bannister clocking James in the jaw then hitting James with every kick in his dance routine knocking James down)

Rhonda:

Finally my lighting designer, Caitlyn. (Cut to a VERY HIDEOUS woman played in drag by Cambell Dodson)

Caitlyn (Singing):

Entertain! Entertain! Entertain! (Caitlyn walks away before cutting to James down on the ground again)

TLOTA:

Okay, I think I have a concussion, just let me lay down here and die. I’m done! Can’t take any… (Rhonda’s left foot lands on James’ right hand and he screams in pain.)

Rhonda:

And they’ve just read “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” and they have thoughts.

Brenda (Singing):

It needs power!

Zelda (Singing):

It needs Zip!

Bruce (Singing):

It needs love!

Caitlyn (Singing):

It need a trip! (Cut to James as he tries once again to get up and leans on the bannister and makes it to Alex and Theo)

Alex:

We’re losing her, we need someone to…

TLOTA:

Theo! You’re going in!

Theodore Flume:

WHAT? (Cut to Calvin and the Creative Team)

Calvin Chia (Singing):

And so the rule is when you’re in a play!

Calvin and the Creative Team (Singing in unison):

Keep it light, keep it bright, Entertaaain! (Cut to James and Theo)

TLOTA:

Theo, in case you haven’t noticed, I look like I’ve been going fifteen rounds with Muhammad Ali in his prime and I’m losing! You’re going in and taking a few shots.

Theo:

Yeah, but… (James shoves Theo onto Rhonda) Hello there Rhonda. I must say you look rather fetching.

Rhonda:

Why thank you. Say have you ever been on a single’s cruise?

Theo:

No, not recently.

Rhonda:

Oh, well… what is that enchanting musk?

Theo:

Fear/Flop sweat?

Rhonda:

Hmm, if I could bottle your Fear/Flop sweat, I’d have you all over me! (Theo slowly but surely backs up to James and Alex.)

Theo:

Alex, you’re going in!

Alex:

Fine, leave it to me to clean up the mess you two made.

TLOTA:

Does that include the blood that’s been gushing out of me?

Alex:

Rhonda! I truly believe that “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” would be a fantastic opportunity for you. You’ve been associated with dare I say Frivolous Musicals.

Rhonda:

You’re right! I feel as if I’ve been wasting my life on dopey showgirls and gooey gowns make anyone heave their cookies. But still I simply cannot!

Alex:

But think of the respect, the prestige! Think of THE TONY! (Cut to Calvin and the Creative staff sing “Tony” five times before cutting to Rhonda as she appears to have a seizure and James gets another smack from Rhonda’s tail as Alex and Theo grab her.)

Theo:

Is she alright? (Cut to Calvin as he walks up to them)

Calvin Chia:

She’s having a stroke!

TLOTA, Alex and Theo (In unified fear, Audio only):

WHAT?!

Calvin Chia:

OF BRILLIANCE!

Rhonda:

I see it now! Finally, a chance to do something of IMPORTANCE! (Rhonda turns around just as James tries to get back up and she smacks James down)

Calvin Chia (Singing):

Rhonda Degree presents the true story!

Rhonda:

But that third act needs to be re-written the American Soldiers are winning and of course Trump becoming President? Cannot Happen!

Calvin Chia (Singing):

Rhonda Degree presents the true story!

Rhonda:

I see it! (James tries to get back up again as Rhonda repeats “I see it!” turns and hits James in the back of the head with her tail)

Rhonda (Singing):

I see a line of girls dressed in proper Arab Female attire each one a gem! (Rhonda turns and smacks James again with her tail) With Saracen swords and whips on men’s hips it’s risqué, dare I say S&M (Rhonda turns smacking James again with her tail as the Creative staff shout “Love it!”) And Isis soldiers dancing through the Sudan played by Chorus boys in very tight pants and wait there’s more (Rhonda turns and smacks James again with her tail) THEY WIN THE WAR AND THE DANCES THEY DO WILL BE EVER SO NEW (Rhonda says the movements as James is constantly slapped back and forth by Rhonda’s Tail and collapses after the final movement she wants) Make it Sassy! Make it Classy! ENTERtaai!

Alex:

THAT IS BRILLIANT! THAT IS BRILLIANT! I SPEAK ON BEHALF OF MYSELF, MR. FARACI AND MR. FLUME WHEN I SAY THAT YOU RHONDA ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO JUSTICE TO “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack”! WILL YOU DO IT? Please!

Theo:

Please!

TLOTA:

Please call an ambulance!

Rhonda:

Now wait a moment! This is a monumental decision! Something that can change the course of careers! You must give me a moment! I’ll do it! (Singing): I’ll do IT! (Speaking) ABU, CHAMPAGNE! (Rhonda laughs before cutting to an elaborate dance number as everyone from the Creative team and every positive LGTBQ stereotype come in to flood the room as James stands up and gets smacked around during the dance number)

Everyone except James, Alex and Theo (Singing):

IF I WERE YOU AND YOU WANT A GOOD CHEER, ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAIN! WHETHER IT’S MAMET OR SHAKESPEARE, ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAAIN!

Calvin Chia (Singing):

Comedy & joy is the best delight! News and Dramas bore us and Ruin the night!

Everyone except James, Alex and Theo (Singing):

So keep the Times and Strindbergs at Bay!

Rhonda (Singing):

I’ll Sign!

Calvin (Singing):

Sign! 

Creative Team (Singing):

SIGN!

TLOTA, Alex and Theo:

SIGN!

Rhonda:

Rhonda Mary Elizabeth Catherine Degree!

Everyone except James, Alex and Theo (Singing):

ENTERTAAIN!

TLOTA (Slightly out of it):

YO ADRIAN! I DID IT! (James lands on Abu as Conga music begins to play!)

Calvin Chia:

CONGA! (James says “huh?”  then screams before a conga line is made and James’ watch is caught on Abu’s necklace and everyone save for James, Alex and Theo sing “And so the rule is when acting in a play! Entertain! Entertain! Entertain! As the Conga line reaches Abu and James as he’s being dragged along James shouts “HOW THE HELL DID I GET INTO THIS MESS?!” before fading to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black)

To Be Concluded in Part 2