In Defense of... The Odd Numbered Star Trek Movies!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to James in his chair)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to scenes from "Star Trek: Beyond" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This year marks the 50th year in the history of one of the best Space themed Sci-fi series of all time "Star Trek" and to commemorate it Paramount released "Star Trek: Beyond" the third in the Kelvin timeline version of the franchise and I can't talk about this unless I talk about the recent tragedies with the passing of both Leonard Nimoy and sadly Anton Yelchin and while Leonard's was sad and Anton's came out of nowhere and obviously there had to be changes to...The THIRTEENTH movie?!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: OH MY GOD! IT'S AN ODD NUMBERED "STAR TREK" MOVIE! RED ALERT! (Alarm Blares as James looks as it cuts to everyone panicking as Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun start looting the vaults and then cutting to Paulo Fonseca as he holds a book with the title "To Serve Man" bumps into Rowdy)

Paulo: IT'S A COOKBOOK! IT'S A COOKBOOK! (Cut to James looking at the chaos)

TLOTA: Yeah, it seems that everyone has that reaction to odd numbered Star Trek movies. (Cut to clips of Star Trek Movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I don't know why but people seem to go bonkers when an odd numbered Star Trek movie is released or even mentioned. Originally I had thought about doing simply Star Trek V & Star Trek: Nemesis but then I'd be only scratching the surface. Until I remembered that everyone dislikes all the odd numbered Star Trek movies so even though I've got a lot of work to do I feel if I talk about all the Odd Numbered I might understand why everyone dislikes them or to make people understand why they're not as bad as everyone thinks they are. So let's start off with the first movie "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". Okay First off, this had to do three things at the same time. One) Invite newer audiences who had just seen "Star Wars" into their folds and Remind the older audience to what they liked about the series like the Characters, The Enterprise and all that. Two) They had to tell a new story featuring the characters Trekkies grew up knowing and loving and introduce new characters in the process and Three) They had to stretch what was an hour long episode format into a movie that had to be twice as long if not three times that much. So they had a lot to do. The fact that "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" turned out the way it did kind of had a lot to do with "Star Wars" having been such a success and Paramount taking what the success of "Star Wars" meant they needed Gene Roddenberry's property to give them the same success it had. But I think Gene had great ideas for the movie but were poorly executed not by Director Robert Wise but by Paramount getting antsy as to whether or not the movie would be done or succeed but while it wasn't the critical or commercial success it should've been. It did get a second chance with "Wrath Of Khan" but only if Roddenberry was out in any way shape creatively and Paramount brought in Harve Bennett to do something with Gene's franchise and while "Wrath Of Khan" was the Critical and commercial success Paramount was looking for it made "Star Trek III: The Search For Spock" difficult to escape the shadow and believe it or not for my money it's one of the better Odd Numbered Star Trek Movies, which unfortunately leads to one of the more ridiculed odd numbered Star Trek movies "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" which as far as I'm concerned doesn't deserve it. To me Star Trek V was a momentary stopgap respite . I mean after facing the consequences for what they did in "Search For Spock" at the end of "The Voyage Home" I think putting William Shatner in the Director's seat or Writer's position was NOT a bad decision I think Paramount needed to reign him in certain areas or get Gene Roddenberry to kind of tell him to tone down certain things. I mean yeah the comedic moments in II, III & IV were funny because they were downplayed for the most part and as for the dramatic moments they worked because of investment in all the characters, Not just Captain Kirk which is why the Sixth movie was the way it was. Originally it was meant as a send off to the original cast while introducing new actors as the characters. While the idea of a younger version of the characters we've known wouldn't happen until 2009 it was a great send off to the original cast. Now onto the movies of the Next Generation and with the first movie having to bridge the original cast to the Next Generation cast in the movie franchise happened though not well in "Star Trek Generations" getting only William Shatner, James Doohan and Walter Koenig though from what has been reported most of the Original cast want William Shatner's head and private parts on their mantelpieces but what kind of got everyone hot under the collar when the Enterprise-D went Kablammo and when they killed Captain Kirk. But as the first movie with the Next Generation crew it wasn't as bad. I mean Malcolm McDowell as Soran was a hoot to watch. "Star Trek: Insurrection" yeah it's greatest weakness is that it feels as if it were a two part episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" but that is what also makes it kind of watchable. A mix between a lost episode of "Star Trek TNG" and a movie as to where the crew are now as it entwines with where the Star Trek TNG universe as on the series "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" the characters were in the middle of the battle against a force known as "The Dominion" and the Federation was getting it's backside handed to it on a platter and if the Federation were to have lost the cost would've been 800 BILLION PEOPLE! It's no wonder "Star Trek: Nemesis" takes place after the war ended but yeah it sucks not only as a finale to the cast of "The Next Generation" but also as a movie that is connected to an illustrious sci-fi franchise that led to ultimately the franchise's demise. So with many people wondering if there could be something to salvage from everything that went wrong J.J. Abrams took the challenge with the eleventh movie which just so happens to be a reboot which is something fans by this point wanted done properly and not just tell the story as to how the Enterprise became the flagship of the Federation and for me the eleventh movie works the way the First movie should've. Reintroduces us to the characters we've known and loved in a new way, brought in a new audience while welcoming the older one and introduced Star Trek to a much broader audience and broke what many think when it comes odd numbered Star Trek movies so much so it hurt it's sequel though honestly everyone saw the twists coming a mile away but by no means was "Star Trek Into Darkness" bad. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So with all that has been said Are the Odd numbered Star Trek movies really that bad? Well...(Cut to clips of the Star Trek movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):  I understand why the Odd Numbered aren't as liked but as far as I'm concerned they're not truly as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Some of them are entertaining for all the right & wrong reasons but overall, I could actually say that these movies deserve as much respect as the even numbered ones. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Bloopers & Behind The Scenes: Ghostbusters 2016 review

(Scene starts with Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath in a Green Screen room)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, everybody ready, quiet on the set! Quiet everyone!  Olivia, Renee you two ready? And ACTION!

(Renee Smacks Olivia while saying her lines and accidentally slaps her in the face so hard it shakes the footage before James shouts "Cut!" before cutting to James getting to the studio as the instrumental of "Combine Harvester" plays in the background)

James Faraci: We're doing a behind the scenes and bloopers for my review of the Ghostbusters 2016 movie and I just came from seeing it with my mom and writing this review so this is probably the fastest turn around I've done on watching and writing a movie for a review I've done EVER! Um! Phew! Thankfully Phelan and Allison are in town for the next couple of days because I need all the friggin' help I can get. (Cut to the inside of James' studio's backroom as Olivia Horvath preps the members of James' team in being Ghosts.)

James Faraci (Audio only): Hi Phelan! Hi Allison!

Phelan Porteous: Hi James

Allison Pregler: So this is... What? A Behind The Scenes type of thing?

James Faraci (Audio only): Sort of. I'm also tossing in some bloopers in it as well.

Olivia Horvath: You know you have to get into this stuff as well.

James Faraci (Audio only):  I'm aware! (Cut to Olivia putting James in his Ghostly Makeup as Mike Santos films using James' Camera)

James Faraci: So I just shaved my stubble for this review and Olivia is about to do the magnificent Voodoo that she can do so well! (Sped up footage of James' make up transformation before the footage returns to normal speed)

Mike Santos (Audio Only): So how are you doing right now?

James Faraci: I'm okay, I just need Olivia and Traci's professional opinion. (Olivia and Traci come in as James looks in the mirror.) So Olivia, would these shades look good on her when we turn her into Synergy from the Classic Jem series?

Olivia Horvath: I actually was going to use a different palate of colors for her transformation into Synergy.

James Faraci: Oh okay, I just thought it would...

Olivia Horvath: Make my job easier?

James Faraci: Thinking that. Yeah! (James films again as Allison Pregler is going through having the makeup & appliances put on her.)

James Faraci (Audio only):  So Allison is going to be sliming Eliza, Traci & Olivia who will make her acting debut on "The Last Of The Americans" reviews as both Melissa McCarthy's Character and our Lindsay Nagel Q5 Focus Group person who will be unfortunately feeling the Wrath of Phelan over there.

Olivia Horvath: Well why am I going to be feeling "Phelan's Wrath"?

James Faraci (Audio only): PHELAN! GET OVER HERE NOW! TELL OLIVIA WHY YOUR WRATH WILL BE FELT BY HER LINDSAY NAGEL Q5 EXEC! (Phelan talks loud enough as he walks to James, Olivia and Allison)

Phelan Porteous: Well, ABC who was showing "The Real Ghostbusters" on their Saturday Morning Line-Up was doing well ratings wise when they made this biggest dumbass move in the history of dumbass moves ever by allowing a Focus Group to fix what wasn't broken. The name of the company was Q5 and they came up with a lot of Dumbass moves like in making Winston the Driver and giving Janine rounded glasses because they thought the glasses were too sharp and would scare kids.

Olivia Horvath: Bullshit!

Phelan: Yeah, that was bullshit and to be honest James I did also say that Bill Murray was the reason Lorenzo Music left not Q5.

James Faraci (Audio only): Well, I'd be willing to bet my last dollar that Q5 had their dirty hand in hiring Dave Coulier as Peter Venkman instead of working something out between Lorenzo and Bill. But here's the thing I've got no hate for Dave, I think he was doing it not out of spite of Lorenzo but just for a paycheck. I don't blame him for having Winston's mentality when it came to being on this show.

Allison Pregler: If there is a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe in anything you say.

James Faraci (Audio Only): Pretty much (Cut to James and everyone else at a theater.)

James Faraci (Audio Only): We're at the theater that I saw "Ghostbusters Answer The Call" and... I talked to the manager. We've got an hour and a half to film what we need to and if we get done early I would get us a chance to see "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call" again in 3D. So everyone, we kind of need to be on our A-Game, be totally professional. (Cut to James with a green mask over his face)

James Faraci: Okay Phelan, Are we ready?

Phelan Porteous (Audio only): We're ready and Action! (James takes five steps and nearly trips over himself.)

James Faraci: We'll pick up and edit out the mistake (James continues to walk forward and gets it in.) Okay I think we got it. (Cut to James and everyone at Team TLOTA preparing to use their proton packs when James' Proton wand falls apart.)

James Faraci: Okay, CUT! (Cut to three minutes later as James is using clear repair tape to repair his Proton pack's wand)

Phelan Porteous (Audio only): So what happened James?

James Faraci: Well I slammed the wand a little too hard and it broke in half the break was a clean break thankfully it's an easy fix and we'll get at it in a minute. (Cut to a black screen with white text that says "We got everything just under the wire and got a chance to see Ghostbusters. James was the only one who gave the movie the attention it deserved for the review. Cutting to James, Eliza, Allison, Mike, Nick & Eric outside of the studio)

Allison Pregler (Audio only): Is this a take on Doug's Meninsts from the "Mad Max" review?

James Faraci: Something like that. So Eliza, Unzip your uniform for a three count and when I say action you're gonna come up and Zip up and say your lines. One second, what are you three talking about? (Eric walks over and a countdown from ten to one and the words "James thinks Eric's crazy in:" over the numbers.)

Eric Kurtzke: We were wondering how far down she should go. We don't need to see her Mormon Underwear. The Ceremonial underwear that all Mormons wear.

James Faraci: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Seriously, What is going on in that head of yours. Actually Eliza! You're a Mormon right?

Eliza Dushku: Yeah and to answer the question, we do have Ceremonial Underwear we wear at Church and at every special event.

James Faraci: I think I may need to be committed after this. (Cut to the Green Screen room as Eliza and Olivia are on a set of uneven boards as Eliza tries to pull out her Proton wand when it falls apart and James shouts "CUT!")

Nick Yaun (Audio only): What happened?

James Faraci (Audio only): The wand fell apart.

Nick Yaun (Audio only): I'm on it. (Cut to James in his chair dressed as the Dean of the University)

James Faraci: So I'm about to get my man marbles hit again. It's been a few months since the last time.

Phelan Porteous (Audio only): So While I have this moment of sanity and this seems rather harsh. Looking at this objectively, I have to ask if this is crazy.

James Faraci: Probably as sane as being on a Romantic Reality Show and Eliza, I won't hold you responsible if you wreck my junk. (Eliza and Phelous laugh before cutting to see Paulo Fonseca dressing up as The Mayor and Brenda Zamora giving him a kiss and Rebecca Yaun as The Mayor's Aide and Nick dressing up like Thor.)

James Faraci (Audio Only): So by the time this review and behind the scenes bit is done, You two will be married and again I wish I could go but I've got responsibilities. I do wish you the best but Paulo can I give you a suggestion to throw a little like Ricardo Montalban into your performance because when I heard Andy Garcia's Mayor I heard a bit of Ricardo in his inflections and his performance.

Paulo Fonseca: Awesome and I heard you had a problem with my sister.

James Faraci (Audio Only): Getting her a role, I didn't know if you would've been a better Kristin Wiig or Melissa McCarthy so I chose a lesser evil to put you as the Mayor's Aide and bring Olivia Horvath to be Melissa McCarthy and Eliza Dushku play Kristin Wiig so I had to make that tough decision. The only easy casting choice was Nick because Nick does look like Chris Hemsworth and I originally thought about not dressing him up as Thor but Nick what was your conclusion?

Nick Yaun: Thought that might be a subtle nod to Chris Hemsworth.

James Faraci (Audio Only): And I think it works. (Cut to Eliza, Olivia, Renee, Traci & John in the green screen room as John jumps back and speaks in tongues, screams in pain and says “Adieb! Adieb! Adieb! THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” and Everyone laughs before cutting to James, Phelous, Nick, John, Mike, Eric, Allison, Rebecca & Renee on top of a scaffold.)

James Faraci (Audio only): Are you guys filming down there?

Eliza Dushku (From a distance): We're filming and the Camera is protected.

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, On Three I'll shout action and we slime you guys. Ready and One, Two, Three and... ACTION! (Everyone dumps the slime onto Eliza, Traci & Olivia before cutting to the aftermath.)

James Faraci (Audio Only): So how are you three holding up?

Olivia Horvath: Well since I've got Slime in places I never thought possible I can honestly say that getting slimed sucks! (Cut to James looking around where some crazy noises are coming from before James opens the door to the green room and seeing all the girls Lip Synching to "I Don't Care" by Icona Pop before James puts the camera on himself.)

James Faraci: Yeah, we just finished, they deserve it. (Cut to black)

A "Ghost" Of A Chance

(Scene starts in a theater lobby where a man is walking down throwing Michael Bay produced movies before cutting to a photo shopped cut image of Michael Bay’s head on James’ body walks down before a red circle with a diagonal line lands right him making the Ghost from the “Ghostbusters” portion of the insignia of the “Ghostbusters” before a crowd shouts “MOVIEBUSTERS!” before cutting to the Main Lobby of James’ Studio as James is taking it easy in his Ghostbusters outfit before cutting to The Receptionist played by Brenda Zamora-Fonseca as she picks up the phone and the earphone becomes the size of her head. She soon presses the “Easy” button from “Staples” which sets off the alarm Klaxon which makes James fall over cartoonish-like before cutting to Eric, Paulo, Rebecca & Mike working on something when they hear the alarm before cutting to Nick, John, Renee, Eliza and Traci in the kitchen trying to take a bite to eat when they drop their food on the table when they hear the alarm before heading to A Van and before Paulo enters he gives his wife a kiss on the lips before James’ hand pulls him into the van as the Ecto-1 klaxons blare before cutting to the Theater Lobby as posters from bad movies and every actor Hollywood hates is seen trampling around before cutting to Team TLOTA prep their proton packs then cutting to Shia LaBeouf Screaming like his usual annoying self before seeing Proton Streams come from Team TLOTA’s Proton Packs capture all of them before cutting to a trap vacuuming up all of them then cutting to James picking up the trap and giving the team the thumbs up before swish cutting to the Moviebusters as a sparkle of white light comes up under the logo and pops out the word “And…” all while Phelous sings with the instrumental of The Real Ghostbusters.)

Phelous (Singing): If there’s Something strange in the theater, who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

Phelous (Singing): If it’s something so bad that it ain’t no good, who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

Phelous (Singing): I ain’t afraid of no Bay! I ain’t afraid of no Bay!

Phelous (Singing): Who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

Phelous (Singing): Who are you going to call?

Team TLOTA: MOVIEBUSTERS!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James dressed as a Ghostbuster in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Guys, I’ve always believed that certain rules must be kept in order to keep balance in this nutty world of ours and then there are times when the rules must be broken. This is one of the times when the rules must break as I talk about a movie which as of this moment is still in theaters, that’s right the 2016 movie that calls itself “Ghostbusters” or as it’s been called lately by the other title “Ghostbusters Answer The Call”. (Cut to clips recreated by Team TLOTA mixed with stills from the actual movie as well as clips from the 1984 classic as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And while some in our profession has decided NOT to talk about it. I think it’d be a bigger crime to ignore it entirely because there are moments in which needs to be discussed, characters that need to be addressed and I feel it cannot be swept under the rug. Will it be as awesome as the Original Movies or will it wind up making me miss the worst episodes of “The Real Ghostbusters”.  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And before I forget there’s something I’ve got to warn everyone about, it starts with an “S”. Swim? Skin? Swami? Salami? Slippy? Slappy? Shemp? Simmons? Swans? Swansong? Svenson? Swanson? Stallion? Stallone? Segal? Samsonite? Soil? Sailers? (Cut to a clip from Doctor Who episode “Let’s Kill Hitler” in which River Song asks “Spoilers?” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That’s the word I’m looking for, Thanks River! This is “Ghostbusters: Answer The Call” (James opens up a can of Ecto-Cooler only for James to spit it out after taking a sip before cutting to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins at Columbia University where Tenured Professor Dr. Erin Gilbert played by Kristen Wiig is asked by an owner of a haunted house to investigate it because of a book her and an associate of hers named Dr. Abby Yates played by Melissa McCarthy which was written then published and put on sale at Amazon which puts her Tenure at the University in Jeopardy.

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): This is not good, if the Dean sees this I’m fired! Where is she?!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Erin finds her old associate with a technical wizard by the name of Holtzmann played by Kate McKinnon at a lesser accredited university and spills about the haunted house.

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): So, here’s the deal, I’ll let you and Holtzmann join me in this exploration of this haunted house, you recall all the copies of this book AND destroy all the copies you haven’t sold.

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): Sounds good to me. Where’s my Wonton soup? Oh well come Holtzmann, let’s do it!

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): I’ll bring the deadly explosive weapons!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, Holtzmann is off, but she is off in a good way! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And Okay, let’s get this out of the way as well. I Actually liked the Ghostbusters in this movie! (Cut to stills of the original Ghostbusters and their counterparts in the recent movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): There was an opportunity for them to just be cheap knockoffs of Peter Venkman, Raymond Stanz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore. But I give credit to the actresses who played these characters their just dues for bringing their own personalities to what could’ve been flat out knock-offs and for me it’s kind of refreshing. (Cut to Eliza Dushku in her Ghostbusters uniform at the doorway at James’ office)

Eliza Dushku: Hey James, we got a problem! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: It’s always something! (Cut to the meninists protesting the new Ghostbusters movie outside of James’ front door before cutting to James and Eliza standing there in dull bemusement.)

TLOTA: What are you chuckleheads up to?

Meninist #1 (Played by Nick Yaun): YOU CAN’T JUDGE THIS MOVIE BY THE QUALITY OF THE CHARACTERS, THEY’RE WOMEN!

Meninst #2 (Played by Mike Santos): WE TRIED TO THREATEN SONY TO REMOVE THE MOVIE BECAUSE THEY WERE WOMEN. WE DID THE SAME THING KIM JONG-UN DID BUT THEY JUST LOOKED AT US AS IF WE WERE NUTS! BUT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND WOMEN RUIN EVERYTHING, LIKE THEY DID IN MAD MAX AND NOW THE GHOSTBUSTERS.

Meninist #3 (Played by Eric Kurtzke): YEAH! (Cut to James & Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: You know something I figured out what’s wrong with you. You virgins never even touched a woman or let a woman touch you and do you know why? Because you are weak and pathetic! James is a real man. Not because he’s a Conservative Republican, it’s because he’s a decent human and if I do this… (Eliza kisses James) he reacts accordingly with the smile on his face and if I do this… (Eliza smacks James on the behind) his reaction is a normal one OR if I do this… (Cut to the meninists reacting as James reacts with different noises ending with a “YOWZA!” before cutting to a content James and Eliza pulling the zipper up on her Ghostbusters uniform) Notice the smile on James’ face, because unlike you crying complaining jack-asses he EARNED that through the hard work and sacrifice of what he does and who he is. So you know what, let me get a few of my friends over here and they’ll set you straight, come James you have a review to do.

TLOTA (sounding goofy): Duh Okay! (James chuckles as he walks in before cutting to the meninists looking at one another.)

Meninst #1: Did you see what she did to him and how he just stood there and took it? Isn’t he worried she might carry the Zika Virus!

Meninst #2: She’s totally ruined his life, just the way women ruin everything.

Meninst #3: Yeah! (Cut to clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after getting slimed and the video of the encounter put on the internet, it’s pretty much the end of her career.

The Dean of Columbia University (Played by James Faraci): This pop bunk science is something this university cannot be associated with. Therefor as of this moment ipso facto you are relieved from your position.

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): But I’ve got tenure!

The Dean of Columbia University (Played by James Faraci): You have got nothing and don't bother your friends  for they too have been fired from their lesser accredited universities so as of this moment, You're Screwed. Now if you'll excuse me I'll have security escort you out of here whilst I laugh at women who are under the misguided belief that they are important, laugh at the claims about how many female students are getting raped by our male students and enjoy my Earl Grey.  (The Dean chuckles as Erin moves the desk aside and kicks the Dean in the Po-pos!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after the three were fired for their video, they decide to open up the “Department of the Metaphysical Examination” meanwhile MTA worker Patty Tolan played by Leslie Jones is doing her job when she notices someone a little south of sound mind.

Rowan North (Played by John Ross Santos): This world will perish in a sea of death and I shall open the flood gates and rule over the dead!

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): Boy you are not right in the head! Hey where are you going? (Patty follows Rowan only to see the device that enhances ghosts’ abilities and a ghost appears and Patty runs like hell out of dodge screaming all the way!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that happens we find our three doctors setting up a temporary office on the second floor of a Chinese Restaurant when Patty tells them about the Ghost she saw and the three decide to test out their Proton Containment ray. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: And Again, this is where I give the movie credit, where credit is due. (Cut to a still of the Proton Pack from the Original and the 2016 movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In the original, we’re shown the final design of the Proton Pack, we were never privy as to how many failed attempts in making the Proton Packs there were so to see that the new movie tests their Unlicensed Nuclear Accelerators in order to make it safe to use is a smart move! (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Any way after nearly capturing the ghost only for the device to be destroyed and the ghost is sent to Queens. Patty joins them and they hire a Good looking receptionist played by Chris Hemsworth who’s not exactly that good at what he supposed to do.

Kevin (Dressed as Thor and Played by Nick Yaun): Ghostbusters central!

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): We’re the… (Erin looks into Kevin’s eyes and melts) Whoever you say we are.

Patty (Audio only by Renee Miller): Okay, let’s get that girl away from the hunky honkey! (Patty, Holtzmann & Abby drag Erin away.)

Kevin (Dressed as Thor and Played by Nick Yaun): Uh listen there’s a device like the one Patty saw at a rock concert and…

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): GRAB SOME SOUP AND LET’S GET GOING!

TLOTA (Voiceover): So they load up their equipment and get to the Rock Concert and… OKAY! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Let’s talk about the effects, Okay throughout most of the effect shots in the battles with the Ghosts are at best pretty average CGI for a Scooby Doo Live Action movie but when they’re mixed Practical effects it actually doesn’t look that bad especially in the final battle with the Ghosts. (Cut to stills of the effects from the original Ghostbusters and the effects from recent movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The reason the Ghosts and the effects from the Proton Packs and Trap have aged well is because they were able to test the limits of what they could do with what they had. But the more advanced CGI doesn’t mean squat if you don’t have the right people working with the right capabilities to know when to use the human body to assist in making it feel real if it's done wrong then you’re in Sharknado territory.  (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But I digress, the fearless female foursome stops the ghost that would’ve possibly hurt everyone and are soon greeted by… (Show the Bill Murray Cameo as done by Mike Santos.) Yeah, one last stop before the break. (Cut to stills of the Cast of the Original Ghostbusters in their cameos in the new Ghostbusters movie then stills of Harold Ramis and Rick Moranis as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Seeing a good 95% of the original cast from the original two movies doing cameos was a little off putting but not so much so it takes me out of the story or the movie itself though it should be mentioned that while yes they couldn’t get Harold Ramis physically because he had died before production began they were able to create a bust of him used in the beginning of this movie and as for Rick Moranis the reason he wasn’t a part of the movie is a sad one. He lost his wife in 1991 to cancer and after that he decided to park it and take care of his two children not long after she passed away. (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But again I digress, Bill Murray’s Cameo is that of a sceptic who believes the Ghostbusters are bunk but Erin opens the Trap holding the ghost  (Show the ghost throwing him out the window and the "Goofy" holler is heard as a thud follows after when the Waa-Waa Music from “The Real Ghostbusters” play and they Shrug their shoulders before cutting to a Ghost performed by Phelous in a black background and a red circle with a Diagonal line through it slams on to Phelous’ Ghost Character as he says with a sigh  “James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans will be right back after these messages” as “The Real Ghostbusters” commercial sting plays in the background before cutting to a second of a black screen before cutting to Phelous’ Ghost Character with a blowtorch looking to cut through the circle with the diagonal line before he blows out the flame chuckles and says “We now return to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” as “The Real Ghostbusters” commercial sting plays in the background before cutting to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well their recent activities have caught the eyes and ears of the Mayor of the city played by Andy Garcia and his aide played by Cecily Strong.

Mayor’s Aide (Played by Rebecca Yaun): On behalf of the Mayor, we are so glad to have you four save us from an attack from a ghost that could’ve cost the lives of thousands if not millions of our registered voters.

The Mayor (Played by Paulo Fonseca): However, in the press, I must denounce you as renegades to protect our tourist trade and capability to film TV Series and Movies here.

Erin, Abby, Holtzmann & Patty (In Unison): ARE YOU KIDDING US?!

The Mayor (Played by Paulo Fonseca): And you must be in constant contact with our federal contacts with Homeland Security so you can do what you must in private to save us and in public you must be further crucified for the greater good. (Cut to a clip of Hot Fuzz in which the secret society say in unison “The Greater Good” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Really?! Okay One last comparison between the classic and this new movie and it focuses on the character of the Mayor in both of these movies and how the one in the classic is better! (Cut to stills of the Mayor from the classic Ghostbusters Movie and the new Ghostbusters movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Here’s where I give the Original the credit where credit is due. The Mayor was reasonable and could see that his city was in danger and was willing to work with the Ghostbusters to protect the people who voted him in. But in the new movie, he’s an ass and I have no remorse in calling an ass, an ass! Why? Because he’s putting the people who voted for him in danger he’s supposed to protect us but he doesn't want to because he wants to keep the finances for his city up and running! WHAT A GIGANTIC MORONIC ASS! (Cut to recreated clips from the movie as performed by Team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But eventually Erin discovers that all the appearances from the ghosts connect through Ley Lines at the Mercado Hotel where guess who works there! (Show Rowan as he giggles insanely and mumbles about breaking the barriers and Cuckoo birds cuckoo continually.)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): Freeze!

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): Move and I’ll blow you sky high!

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): We’re gonna take you in ya crazy honkey bastard!

Rowan North (Played by John Santos): There’s no way you can stop me from becoming The Lord Of The Dead and killing all the living!

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): You need to meet better people and I happen to know three other guys like you they’ve got nothing to live for except complaining you can learn how to handle the world better.

Rowan North (Played by John Santos): Yeah, I don’t think so! (The Four react Rowan jumps back out of frame as he electrocutes himself and screams and speaks in tongues until he shouts “Adieb! Adieb! Adieb! THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” and an explosion turns him into extra crispy critter and the four smell him.)

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): Whoo that boy reeked of crazy, loneliness, despair and sad!

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): And apparently bad soup! (The electronic device powers up)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): HO BOY! We don’t shut that off we’re looking at Old Testament Wrath Of God Level “WE’RE SCREWED!” I mean Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! (The Machine powers down) How the…?

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): Yeah The more they overthink the size of the explosion, the easier it is to stop the bomb. By the way, looky what I found! (Holtzmann finds a copy of Erin & Abby’s Book and Erin grabs it)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): YOINK!

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the four are carted away the Mayor’s Aide congratulates them out of earshot of the press and AGAIN continues to follow the Mayor’s request to make them out to be worse than Terrorists!

The Mayor’s Aide (Played by Rebecca Yaun): And as these vigilantes tried to stop the poor lonely sad man from frying himself he realized who they were and ultimately took his own life. We will make an example of them. (Turns to them as she signals deadpan “Great Job, now officers get them out of here!” and two Homeland Security agents played by Phelous and Eric Kurtzke drag the four away) They will be charged and hung up by their knockoff Jimmy Choos!

TLOTA (Voiceover): But as Erin looks over the Book from Rowan’s place she discovers that killing himself was part of his plan to become Lord of The Dead and as it is with all villains TAKE OVER THE WORLD! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back recreated clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Realizing that they’re still 428 flavors of screwed over. Erin tries to get the mayor to come to grips with reality but he would rather be an ass than reasonable because let’s face it the Mayor would rather keep money flowing in than DOING YOUR JOB WHICH IS TO SERVE AND PROTECT THE PEOPLE OF YOUR CITY AS MAYOR! (Erin grabs the Table as two guards played by James Faraci and Phelous grab Erin as they try to escort her out.)

Erin Gilbert (Crying played by Eliza Dushku): YOU DON’T GET IT! WE’RE ALL SCREWED! IT’S A BUG HUNT MAN! GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER! YOU’RE WORSE THAN THE MAYOR FROM “JAWS” YOU’RE AN ASS!

The Mayor (Played by Paulo Fonseca): Never compare me to the Mayor from “Jaws”! NEVER COMPARE ME TO THE MAYOR FROM “JAWS”! (The Mayor chuckles) It is okay my people, the city is safe, it has never been safer!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Back at the headquarters, the spirit of Rowan possesses Abby and makes her try to destroy the equipment and nearly kill Holtzmann. So what does Patty do? Pimp smack the hell out of Abby to get the Ghost out! That works!

Patty (Played by Renee Miller): GET! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) OUT! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) OF! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) MY! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) FRIEND! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) YOU! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) HONKY! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) SACK! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) OF! (Patty forehand smacks Abby) PROTO! (Patty backhand smacks Abby) PLASM! (The spirit leaves as Patty continues to smack Abby around before Abby shouts “ENOUGH!”) Oh, I’m sorry baby!

Kevin (Audio only played by Nick Yaun): Hey Guys, What’s this weird cloud thing!

Abby, Holtzmann & Patty (In Unison): Uh-Oh! (The three watch as Kevin is possessed by the Spirit of Rowan)

Kevin (Dressed as Thor and Now possessed by the Spirit of Rowan vocally performed by Phelous but physically played by Nick Yaun.): NOW TO FINISH MY MASTER PLAN! (Cackles evilly)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With Rowan now possessing Kevin he finishes his device and opens a breach between the realm of the dead and the realm of the living! Homeland Security tries to intervene but wind up stuck in an End Credit Dance Sequence! Meanwhile The Ghostbusters decide it’s time to take the fight to the Ghosts and equip themselves with more than just their Proton Packs! They’ve got Proton weapons that blast, shred and make the ghosts go BOOM!

Erin Gilbert (firing her Proton Rifle Played by Eliza Dushku): DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN! COME HERE I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!

Patty (Singing played by Renee Miller): MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! GHOSTHIDE! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! MOW ‘EM DOWN! SHRED ‘EM UP! SHRED ‘EM UP!  GHOSTHI-I-I-I-I-I-IDE!

Holtzmann (Played by Traci Hines): You know my favorite Kevin James movie is? HERE COMES THE BOOM!

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): What’s wrong? Oh Yeah! YOUR ASS IS SOUP!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually they reach the Epicenter of the disturbance where Rowan discards Kevin and chooses his final form!

Rowan (vocally played by Phelous): What too cartoonish?

Rowan (Sounding more demonic with every next word coming out of his mouth played by Phelous): Very well then, LET’S…. GET…. REAL! (The Ghost becomes more dimensional, fifty trillion feet taller and physically played Phelous! As the music from The Real Ghostbusters when the team is in the face of Danger and the final chance to get the win in the episode “Knock Knock”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And to add to the totally screwed Slimer took Ecto One for a Joyride. The only solution? Direct Slimer to drive Ecto One into the epicenter of the portal hit the Nuclear device on the top of Ecto One in hopes to turn the portal that’s causing the Ghosts to come to our world into a gigantic vacuum by reversing polarity of the neutron flow and bring them all back and take Rowan with them! Fortunately, it worked until Rowan tries to hold onto two skyscrapers and the team aim their Proton packs onto Rowan's Personal pack

Abby Yates (Played by Olivia Horvath): We meant to aim there, right?

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): Uh yeah, let’s go with that!

TLOTA (Voiceover): But Rowan isn’t going back alone as he grabs Abby and Erin goes rushing in to save her! (Erin blasts Rowan into the depths of the Ghostly realm and she grabs Abby)

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): Got ya! We’ve got only one chance! FULL DISPERSION MODE! WIDE ANGLE! EVERYTHING WE’VE GOT IT MIGHT JUST PUSH US BACK! GO! GO! GO! (The two fire their Proton Packs accelerating them out of the Portal!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And thus Rowan is defeated and our heroes are still meant to be looked up as evil as a Republican in the Press by the Mayor. The Mayor’s aide tells the team the Mayor will fund their research and set them up with better headquarters and the Movie ends with The Big Apple sending love to the Ladies who saved their city!

Erin Gilbert (Played by Eliza Dushku): You know something, this maybe the start of something amazing. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that was “Ghostbusters: Answer The Call” and I thought this was Great! (Cut to clips recreated by Team TLOTA mixed with stills from the actual movie as well as clips from the 1984 classic as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While nothing will EVER take away my love of the original two movies and the Animated series this movie does what few reboots do. It honors the past while does its own thing. The Story while borrowing beats and elements from the original is well told, the characters are enjoyable including Erin & Holtzmann, the effects range from average to amazing and I was honestly surprised to see how great everything was in this movie. If you want to see it, go for the gusto and see it in 3D in the theaters or if you want to wait until it’s available in the home market get on Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital Download it’s worth the time and money! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me….

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): James…. (Cut to everyone else at the door)

Paulo Fonseca: We’ve been holding this person off long enough. Are you done with your review? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Yeah, Bring ‘em on. (Cut to the main lobby as a Lindsay Nagel type exec played by Olivia Horvath is looking around as James comes face to face with her.)

TLOTA: Can I help you?

L.N. Exec: Uh yes, I work for a focus group “O DASH S” and we’d like to help you move to the next level and what I’m seeing is Rounded Glasses.

TLOTA: Rounded Glasses?

L.N. Exec: Yes, those glasses look sharp and could scare someone!

TLOTA: They’re a curved rectangular shape!

L.N. Exec: But you’d look so much better in Rounded Glasses and do we need all the females to be so fierce. I prefer docile and feminine females to be around who… (The L.N. Exec from “O DASH S” continues to just make the same notes that Q5 did that ruined “The Real Ghostbusters” when James notices the header on the note of that being Q5. James tosses the note when a hand from Phelous comes up and stops him.)

Phelous: Hold it James, I’ve got this is one!

L.N. Exec (Audio only): And can we focus the series more on the green ghost instead of a movie review! (A gun shot is heard and a yelp in pain is heard before screams and gun shots are heard and Team TLOTA react as the bouncing Slimer music from "The Real Ghostbusters" is heard in the foreground)

Phelous (Audio only): DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN! COME HERE I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! AND THAT ONE IS FOR MAKING DAVE COULIER PETER VENKMAN! NOW CLEAN UP YOUR BLOOD AS YOU DIE! (James sighs as James whips out his cell phone)

TLOTA: Well, looks like I know who I have to call.

John Santos: The Ghostbusters?

TLOTA: Well them and my attorney see if I can get Phelous off on a mental defense. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion! Hello Eric Adler… (James walks away as the music from the ending of an Episode of “The Real Ghostbusters” plays in the background and everyone else just stand there looking at one another.)

The five dislikes & likes of "Superman v Batman: Dawn Of Justice"

My name is James Faraci and I am an Internet Reviewer and no, I'm not doing this as "The Last Of The Americans". I am doing this as myself because it NEEDS to be done this way. Earlier this year a movie came out that DARED to call itself "Superman v Batman: Dawn Of Justice" and while the Extended cut is slightly better the fact is it split the Critics & the fans. However I found five things that I disliked and things I did like in the movie. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Five Con

5) Batman's reasons for killing

James Faraci (Voiceover): Believe it or not I think DC is HELLBENT on destroying their own legacy. The reason Batman doesn't kill his enemies is because his parents was killed by a thug with a gun who didn't care who he killed. Bruce Wayne knew killing his enemies didn't make him better than them it made him no different. But for some vague reason which was never fully explained in this movie Batman just decides "Eh Screw it, I'm gonna slaughter them all and let God sort it all out." NOT COOL DC! NOT COOL!

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Four Con

4) NO FOCUS!

James Faraci (Voiceover): When I mean no focus, I don't mean it doesn't focus on Batman taking on Superman there is some focus on that for the first hour after that the movie becomes a Clusterbank of trying to fill in an entire universe until the finale of this movie in which it tries to shove SO much that it destroys the focus of what it was trying to do, tell the story of two Superheroes with different ideologies coming to blows and eventually finding common ground. Hell Jeremy Irons thought the movie was a stuffed like a Thanksgiving Turkey. While I get what it was try to do, It failed miserably at doing so.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Three Con

3) Lois Lane

James Faraci (Voiceover): As much as people complained about Lois in "Man Of Steel" they should've saved how worthless she is IN THIS ONE! I did more in a day than Lois did throughout the entire movie! And this is where I DON'T blame Amy Adams as she knew the character but what happened I believe was a whole lot of rewrites that ruined the Character's personality. Amy, you are awesome but this time around you stunk on ice!

2) Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, His Plans and DOOMSDAY!

James Faraci (Voiceover): How do I put this delicately? Oh yeah, WHAT WAS DC THINKING?! Lex Luthor... Oh I'm sorry Lex Luthor Jr. is NOT as bonkers as this movie makes him out to be even at his wackiest he's not that insane! But yet somehow DC thought that Yes, this performance is perfect as Lex Luthor! And I've got nothing but respect for Jesse Eisenberg but HO BOY Jesse, do yourself a favor and fire your agent and hire someone better. But while I'm talking about Lex, let's talk about his plans. He plans on making everyone hate Superman by blowing up the Capital Building and YES EVERYONE REALIZES IT WASN'T HIM! Then he plans on using Zod's Ship, Kryptonian Technology, and combining Zod's DNA combined with Lex's to create a monstrosity which is supposed to be in fact Doomsday! Okay, First off Combining Lex Luthor's DNA with Kryptonian DNA is what happened in "Superman IV: The Quest For Peace" and what happened when that happened we got Nuclear Man and while yes when I was a kid I was scared of him. Now as a grown man, he's a laughable farce of an actual villain that makes me laugh and Secondly, Doomsday! WHAT IS UP WITH THE DESIGN OF DOOMSDAY?! HE LOOKS LIKE THE TROLL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS MIXED WITH THE CURRENT DESIGN OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES IN MICHAEL BAY'S MOVIES! It's sad when the Doomsday in "Smallville" looks more like the Doomsday from the comics than the one in the major motion picture. Someone do me a favor and get Zack Snyder away from these movies. (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: Now before I get to the Number one thing I dislike. I want to get to the five things I did like! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Five Pro

5) The Action

James Faraci (Voiceover): I could go on about how incredibly choreographed the action was in the brawl between Batman & Superman was. It was a pure Slobberknocker! Though I do wish it had it where Batman got his comeuppance by having Superman rip through Batman's armor and revealing the man underneath as the pathetic person he had become. But ultimately ends with Batman realizing how big a jack-ass he had become. So in a way Superman did win as much as Batman did while he was beating Superman like a government mule.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Four Pro

4) The Visuals

James Faraci (Voiceover): I have to admit, I loved the movie visually. The costumes looked as good as if they found the way to make them look like they did in the comic books. A lot of the scenes were visually amazing looking and none of the visuals were boring or made me want to look away. I just wish the story was as interesting.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Three Pro

3) Ben Affleck and the casting.

James Faraci (Voiceover): I want to give the casting director a HUGE hug for at least getting 95% of the casting right. The five percent that was wrong was of course Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. But the performances by the likes of Jeremy Irons & Holly Hunter. But the two that surprised me the most was Ben Affleck as both Bruce Wayne & Batman and Gal Gadot as Diana Prince & Wonder Woman. A lot of people were adamant that Ben Affleck would be the worst Batman/Bruce Wayne combo before he even filmed a frame of film. But when I saw it, I DIDN'T see Ben Affleck doing his usual thing I saw Bruce Wayne and Batman. The last time I saw that was when Michael Keaton donned the batsuit and cowl! Then we have Gal Gadot. HOO NELLY! If you haven't seen her in any of her performances in the "Fast & Furious" movies then you missed out as to why she would be amazing as the Amazonian Princess who became DC's First Superheroine as a matter of fact one of the FIRST Superheroines ever even the legendary Wonder Woman Lynda Carter approved of her and if Lynda Carter approved of her then I know she would be amazing as the Amazonian Princess and she didn't disappoint.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Two Pro

2) Quickly getting through Bruce Wayne's origin and where HE was during "Man Of Steel"

James Faraci: We've seen Batman's Origins done to death so for them to get through it that quickly was a sigh of relief. I understand why "Batman Begins" took it and did it throughout the first act though intercut with Bruce's training to become Batman. But unlike past DC Comics involving Batman or Superman in which there are vague if any connections between the Batman Universes and the Superman Universes of the past we see Bruce Wayne in the middle of the chaos ZOD brought to Earth. That's right, unlike EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO BLAMES SUPERMAN FOR WHAT HAPPENED I BLAME ZOD FOR THE CHAOTIC RUMBLE IN METROPOLIS! IT WAS HIS TERRAFORMERS THAT CAUSED THE CHAOS IN METROPOLIS! IT WAS ZOD'S SOLDIERS NOT SUPERMAN CAUSING THE DAMAGE AND SUPERMAN TRYING TO KEEP THE COLATTERAL DAMAGE TO A MINIMUM!

James Faraci (Voiceover): And The Number One thing I liked about "Superman v Batman Dawn Of Justice" is...

1) Giving Geoff Johns the reigns to the DCCU

James Faraci (Voiceover): After the quickest fall in Box Office sales for a DC Movie since "Batman & Robin" sometime after that Geoff Johns was given the reigns and since then has re-worked Suicide Squad, done some work to apparently salvage Wonder Woman and cut Justice League from 2 movies to one. Apparently Geoff knows what he's doing because he has worked so close with past DC Entertainment works including their Comic Books, Their series like Smallville, Supergirl and other shows within Greg Berlanti's production house. So he knows what he is doing and I do trust him to take the DCCU to the promised land and does something to avoid....

James Faraci (Voiceover): The Number one thing I disliked about Superman v Batman Dawn Of Justice"

1) TOO MUCH SUPERMAN HATE!

James Faraci (Voiceover): I swear somewhere in DC Entertainment they somehow blame Superman for everything wrong. They don't even give him better billing by making it "Superman v Batman"! A while back I asked people on Facebook what they disliked about Superman and their answers ranged from he's too powerful to DC having no clue what to do with him. So what do they do in this movie? They make him out to be someone to be hated to be food for internet trolls, to be Batman's bitch in the final battle, to be the reason so much bad things happen. They targeted the Internet Trolls because they think Internet Trolls are intelligent? (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: NO! You can not all they know is hate. If you give them what they want they'll dislike it, give them something they don't like and they'll dislike it. Internet trolls are the lowest form of Internet existence out there and you want to cater to them? NO! You can NOT cater to the lowest form of scum on the internet and say this is the best product you can make for everyone to enjoy. If you want everyone to like it, you have to show Superman as what he truly is, A pure good! You can not show him as you had in this movie and the previous one. As a matter of fact if you think catering to the lowest form of Internet Scum is the best you can do then you know what, I'll do the intelligent thing and wait until it hits the home market and watch these movies without hearing the continual jeers from the trolls. That's right DC I have no choice but to do this in order to watch it in peaceful intelligent bliss! Thanks for letting me vent. Next time, I'm back in character and I take on another movie from the past few months and I break a cardinal rule of mine. I'm James Faraci and until then, PEACE!

The "Mystery" of The Crossover Co Written by Gus Webb & Chris Lee Moore

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to a table where Piano music is heard playing the MST3K theme song and a plethora of food with Ham, Cheese & Turkey, with fruit and veggies is spread colorfully before the camera pans to the head of Jack Perkins played by Eric Kurtzke is resting on the end of the table before standing upright)

Jack Perkins: Hello, I’m Jack Perkins and I would like to introduce you to this fabulous review of the movie “Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie” as done by Gus Webb “The Nostalgia Kid”, Chris Lee Moore “The Rowdy Reviewer” Grrr the guy is crazy (Jack chuckles) and finally….

TLOTA (Audio only): Bar’s fully stocked

Jack Perkins: Oh Goodie! Goodie! I think I’ll make my usual five o’clock cocktail. (Camera turns to James)

TLOTA: Some people…. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As you can tell, I’m having a little celebration. Rowdy’s on his way, everyone else is back from sabbatical and I have certain family members whose birthday is around the corner and as an added bonus I’m celebrating the return of The Satellite Of Love as Mystery Science Theater 3000 returns to the airwaves. As a matter of fact, I asked everyone to come with a bad movie they all like to riff on for fun as a party game. (The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy pop in from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)

The Nostalgia Kid: I brought The 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie for us to riff.

Rowdy: And I brought The godawful insult to the 80s that is the Jem & the Holograms movie. (turns to camera) Which just might be the subject of a three-way crossover review with Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero coming this Labor Day and viewed at rowdyc.com…

TLOTA: This isn’t a DX promo dude, cut it out! Anyway, sure those are good choices. But it’s not a bad movie riffing party without “Fishtales” (Rowdy groans as The Nostalgia Kid goes ooh!)

Rowdy: Not that movie again!

The Nostalgia Kid: Well I have yet to see it, this might be a fun one to riff on.

ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! A signal is trying to make contact to us.

TLOTA: Patch it through! (Static breaks to see Professor Hiram Stupidiot laughing maniacally before cutting to the three looking)

Rowdy & TLOTA (In Unison): STUPIDIOT!

Nostalgia Kid: Who?

TLOTA: A Continual pain in the tuchus for Rowdy. (Cut to Stupidiot.)

Professor Stupidiot: That is right James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Rowdy and friend! (Cut to James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid)

The Nostalgia Kid: Actually I’m The Nostalgia Kid. (Cut to Stupidiot)

Professor Hiram Stupidiot: Well whoever you are you are about to join them in here this satellite that’ll stay in Geosynchronistic orbit for the next fifty years or when I take over the entire Tri County Metroplex and you’ll have nothing but bad movies and TV Shows to watch while you stay up there. (Professor Stupidiot laughs maniacally until a voice off screen yells at Stupidiot to shut up when Dr. Plotsz played by Paulo Fonseca appears from Stage Left)

Dr. Plostz: Ach Du Lieber!  I AM TRYING TO VORK HERE! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA: DR. PLOTSZ?! What are you doing there? (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Dr. Plotsz: Vell Herr Faraci, I vas given quite a bit of money to build Ze Satellite and I developed quite a few movies and TV show ideas.

Stupidiot: I loved the one in which there was a scientist who sent a low level employee into outer space who made robots to keep him sane as he watches bad movies that once repeated over & over again which will reduce the mind to the consistency of rotten vegetables so the Mad Scientist can take over the WORLD! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA: Do you two want to join me or…? (Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid nod yes.)

TLOTA, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (In unison): THAT’S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000! (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Stupidiot: Well speak of the devil and he will appear because before I launch the three of you into space, I’ve got something for the three of you to watch. (Stupidiot cackles as he pulls out the Mystery Science Theater 3000 the Movie DVD before cutting to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Wait a second? (Cut to Stupidiot’s hand holding the case for Mystery Science Theater 3000 the movie)

Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie?! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)

Nostalgia Kid: HOLY CRAP! Let’s do this! (Cut to clips of the movie as James, Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)

Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): I briefly made mention to this on my tribute to Mystery Science Theater 3000 but this bears a full on out review. But I think what makes this show great is that it makes fun of a bad movie and we get to revel in the joy of it.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well that’s because Mystery Science Theater 3000 is required watching if you become an internet reviewer and the movie just feels like the crash course before the starter class.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But will the movie live up to the show or will it wind up getting itself riffed apart. (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)

TLOTA: So let’s find out… (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Stupidiot: NOT SO FAST! If you’re going to review this movie, you must do it properly as I send you the movie! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically as Movie Alarm Klaxons blare)

Nostalgia Kid: MOVIE SIGN! (James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and run around which causes James to get dizzy.)

TLOTA: Which way do I go George? Which way do I go?

Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid (Pointing in different directions): THIS WAY! (James shakes Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid’s hands)

TLOTA: Gee Thanks a lot George! Thanks a lot! (All three fall down as the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center splits in half as the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the movie being shown with a theater silhouette with The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)

TLOTA (in Silhouette): As I was trying to say this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 The movie. So the movie opens up in Deep 13 where we meet Dr. Clayton Forrester played by Trace Beaulieu as he exposits on what he has done and what he plans to do to you guessed it take over the world. (Show Clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji in “Mind Of Mencia” saying “Oh, Of Course.”)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): And what is his plan to take over the world by showing us the same bad movie until our collective I.Q. is at the same level of Tapioca Pudding. Now is it me or is something missing?

Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well TV’s Frank had left the season before and Pearl by this point hadn’t been introduced in the continuity of where the movie was at with the series so in the movie he was flying solo. It’s here he tells us that he thinks he has found the perfect movie to reduce our collective intelligence to that of Tapioca Pudding with “This Island Earth” and plans on testing it on those trapped on the “Satellite Of Love” and speaking about the “Satellite Of Love” we soon go inside as we’re introduced to Mike Nelson played by Michael J. Nelson as we see him getting his daily workout in. (Rowdy & James hum “Gonna Fly Now” as Mike runs on the treadmill for a few seconds before cutting to a glowing eye)

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): I’m Sorry Dave but I cannot allow you to Jeopardize this movie!

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Actually that’s Gypsy performed by the director of the movie Jim Mallon as Gypsy tells him what’s on the itinerary for the day and gives him the report, Tom Servo played by Kevin Murphy and as far as I’m concerned the best one as he lets Mike know that Crow is trying to break them out of the Satellite. But How? (The scene in which Crow tries to pick out the bottom of the hull is shown as all three in Silhouette say Cha-Cha-Cha as the pick hits the hull)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Actually that wasn’t a smart move on Crow’s part because… (Show moment in which The Hull is breached and Tom Servo is being pulled into the vacuum of space as the three react with NO! TOM! NO! TOM SERVO! Until Tom’s Hover skirt covers the circumference of the hole in the outer hull as James, Rowdy and Nostalgia Kid sigh a sigh of relief.)

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): Fortunately, the helmet worn by Crow T. Robot who is also performed by Trace Beaulieu is big enough to patch the hole so Tom Servo could get free and just in time for Dr. Forrester to torture the three of them kneel and Crow to speak in tongues and tell them the movie they’ve got to see. (Show the moment in which they get the movie sign and the entryway to the theater)

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Is it me or is the entryway to the theater in the series better than the one in the movie.

Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (in Silhouette): Eh, A little.

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): And from here on out, we’re getting two movies for one. Not a bad deal if I say so.

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Not at all as we check out “This Island Earth” with Mike, Crow & Servo. Now do you two understand why we’re on the left. (Show the movie as Mike, Crow & Servo riff the movie as James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid look on)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): You know I wonder why didn’t this movie succeed at the box office the way it should’ve.

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Well, from what I read the same promoters and the company that released this movie released and promoted Pamela Anderson’s movie “Barb Wire” the same weekend guess where the money to promote this movie went to?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Cocaine?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): That and Pamela Anderson’s T&A fest!

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well that just makes it a BIGGER frack-up that the Nostalgia Critic didn’t use the “tried to kill me with a forklift” joke!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): But the joke was on them because more people were in theaters to see this movie than Pamela’s movie and here’s a missed joke opportunity.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Where? When?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Dr. Cal Meacham in “This Island Earth” is in his jet and is having landing problems and the jet is surrounded by Green Energy. What type of superhero emits Green Energy?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Oh, I got it now Deadpool!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’m not gonna talk to you until after the break! At any rate after Dr. Meacham builds the Interocitor with his assistant Joe they meet with a person named Exeter in “This Island Earth” our heroes riff on their soon to be home at the time.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Oh yeah, after Season 7 Trace Beaulieu left the series and Comedy Central gave it the axe only for Sci-Fi Channel to pick it up and since I said that I guess I have to comply with IRU regulations don’t I?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Yep! ORAC! Hit it! (Play the clip of The Joker shouting “If You have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! Before cutting back to the three in silhouette watching the movie.)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette) And just as the three get really into the groove the movie breaks. (James’ Cell phone rings.)

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Hello!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): He has a Cell Phone? And the ringtone is “Go Go Power Rangers?”

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Trust me I rode him for that.

TLOTA (Points to Rowdy In Silhouette): Well, Yours is the theme from “The Dukes Of Hazzard”! ORAC! Pause the movie where “This Island Earth” broke.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): What happened?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): There’s Chaos back in the studio and I’ve got to deal with it. (James walks out)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Want to see what all the hubbub is all about?

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Do I?!  (Cut to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)

TLOTA: What in the Sam hill is going on around here?

Paulo Fonseca: In a word…. CHAOS!

Rebecca Yaun: After Jack got into the bar he got so blotto he hit on everything in a skirt, including Eliza.

TLOTA: What? Where is Jack now?

Eliza Dushku: Currently in a cage sleeping off being beaten like a government mule! Oh by the way the Pizza you promised didn’t deliver!

TLOTA: Who ordered the Pizza?!

Renee: I did, I found a place that was closer than the one your Brother in laws’ family runs and it was cheaper.

TLOTA: Where did you order from?

Renee: Torgo’s Pizza?

(Everyone groans)

TLOTA: Renee! Torgo’s Pizza is a chain franchise. I HATE Chain Franchise Pizzas they all taste the same! There is a reason I choose my brother in laws’ pizza over the Chain Franchise. FLAVOR! And the fact the money stays in local business owners hands to improve their business and doesn’t pay for another corporate higher-up yacht’s down payment!

(Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands Of Fate” plays as Torgo played by Nick Yaun ambles in)

Torgo: Heere are your Pizzas. Thaat will be sixty-five dollars.

TLOTA: Here’s eighty, keep the change!

Torgo: Thank you so very much sir. Let me get the complimentary Garlic Knots.

Everyone else: NOO!

TLOTA: Just get back on delivery schedule.

Torgo: Very Well then, before I go the master wanted you to have these coupons for the Pizza Buffet. He wanted you to have them, but I am giving you them to you. Have a Nice day! (Torgo ambles away as his theme plays in the background before the door closes and the theme ends.)

TLOTA: I’m going to have to sterilize that door knob and anything else he touched before I let anyone else touch it. Anyone else got good news?

John Santos: I had to drop The Wrestling Mark like a bad habit he was just getting more and more belligerent.

 (“Pitch” from “Santa Claus” pop jump cuts in played by Mike Santos)

TLOTA: Wha… How did you get in here?

Pitch: Oh I’m one of Jack Perkins’s plus Ones

TLOTA: How many Plus Ones did Jack Perkins invite?

Pitch: Well there was me and one other person. (A fluty piece is heard as Mr. B Natural played by Traci Hines pop jump cuts in as Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid scream in terror and James Grabs them)

Mr. B Natural: Hello everybody! Mr. B Natural at your service, as natural a B as you’ll ever see! Knew your fathers I did! And don’t think I wasn’t in the garden with Mr. & Mrs. Adam.

Rowdy: I don’t know about you but this party is insane! We need some order! Let’s take a break!

TLOTA: Good Idea!

Mr. B Natural: A Super idea! And in the break I’ll awaken the spirit of music in you and in you and in you and in all of you! You’ll feel like a happy king! And we’ll have Fun! Fun! FUN!

(Mr. B Natural raises its right leg over its head as James, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy nervously chuckle and say “That’s nice, That’s really nice” Before the three shout “MOM!” as loud as they can before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as and the three of them shouting “MOM!” continues as the commercial break intro fades to black and then cut to the return as the movie is being shown with a theater silhouette as The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Thank god for that commercial break.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): It was a miracle that everything is under control again.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well, let’s get back to the review. As Dr. Forrester tries to fix the movie we discover that Mike is instrument rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator and that Gypsy is the one robot who keeps the Satellite flying but when Mike tries, he hit the Hubble! Hmm Subtle.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): What? What was subtle?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Mike unleashed the Manipulator Arms it was Torgo’s theme, and who played Torgo in MST3K.

Rowdy (In Silhouette):  Mike Nelson and before he was the host Mike was quite the utility player.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well yeah, aside from Torgo, he was also Michael Finestein, the colossus from those Burt I Gordon movies that were on MST3K, Jack Perkins, the list goes on & on!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well aside from some cosmetic damage it seems like it’s still good. (The Hubble falls from the sky before cutting to an image of the four kids from South Park as the Hubble crashes onto Kenny)

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In unison): Never mind! (The movie cuts back in.)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well “This Island Earth” is repaired as the three head back to the theater. Though I do have to ask why “This Island Earth” I mean yeah there was good riffing material outside of this movie.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well I think it had to be because Universal was the distributors and a caveat for Universal distributing this movie was for the team at Best Brains & MST3K to have them riff on one of their B-Movies and “This Island Earth” just seemed right in their wheel house. Oh by the by Paramount one of the Parent Companies of Comedy Central were also planning a movie but it would’ve brought Joel back and been like a pilot episode type of thing with Paramount having the right to recast parts with actors at their discretion. But after Tom Servo spills he has an Interocitor somewhere in his part of the Satellite and the three of them leaves the movie to Tom’s Room!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): YOWZA! And I thought I seen places that were Level 10 Bio Hazard Hell holes but as I look at this, I think it’s safe to say Tom Servo’s room makes them habitable to human beings in comparison but they find it and…. (Everyone screams as they see a member of Exeter’s race in the shower as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and try to avert their eyes.)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): I never want to see an Alien in the buff unless it was Turanga Leela!

TLOTA & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Hear! Hear!

TLOTA (In Silhouette) However Dr. Forrester mercifully interrupts our heroes and… (Show Tom Servo’s head being blown as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid groan and say NO! NOT SERVO!)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Hasn’t that poor bot suffered enough without having his head blown to bits! But Forrester does get them back to finish riffing on the movie.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): After “This Island Earth” ends Dr. Forrester thinks he’s reduced the brains of Mike and The Bots collective I.Q. to that of Tapioca Pudding he checks up on them to see they’re throwing a party and reveling in the insanity of the movie. Pissed that his plan failed for the umpteenth time he decides to reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow on his Interocitor only to have him wind up with that member of Exeter’s race in the shower and apparently everyone on the Satellite is glad for that because now they’re stuck in the Satellite forever…. Wait What?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): And the movie ends with our heroes riffing on the end credits.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): And I was thinking maybe we could I don’t know maybe sing the lyrics to the song.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Sounds good to me.

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): In the not too distant future, Way down in Deep 13, The Evil Dr. Forrester was hatching a nasty scheme. He hired a guy by the name of Mike, just a regular Joe he didn’t like his experiment needed a good test case. So he clocked him in the noggin and then shot him into space!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): GET ME DOWN!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’ll Send him cheesy movies, the worst I can find Tra-la-la! He’ll have to sit and watch ‘em all and I’ll monitor his mind Tra-la-la!

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Now keep in mind Mike can’t control how the movies begin or end Tra-la-la! He’ll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL!

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Cambot!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Gypsy!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Tom Servo!

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts! Tra-la-la! Just repeat to yourself it’s just a show, I should really just relax! For Mystery Science Theater 3000! (The three get up and walk out of the theater as the scene cuts to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)

TLOTA: So he should be back any second.

Nick Yaun: Actually he never shut down the line, we just had him on Mute this whole time after he sent the movie to you three stooges.

Mike Santos: He’s been talking about how The Tri County Metroplex will bow to every whim. (Everyone look at Mike Santos)

Mike Santos: I’ve got good hearing and Lip Reading. Besides he couldn’t hear us because while he was yammering on and on, he’s been talking and no one’s been hearing.

Eric Kurtzke: Besides I came up with a plan and I got the right people to side with us!

TLOTA: Awesome. ORAC, you know what to do. (Cut to Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: So you have seen the worst adaptation of a show into a movie… (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA: Back up pal that is where you are wrong.  Shall we?

Everyone: THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME! (Cut to Clips of the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy do voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): First off, making a show into a movie can be a bad idea when it is done wrong, but in Mystery Science Theater 3000's case...this was a job done right. No wonder it has an Eighty-Eight Percent Audience approval and Eighty Percent Critically accepted on RottenTomatoes.com or why even Siskel & Ebert gave it Two Thumbs Up. (Cut to the Siskel & Ebert Review of the movie before cutting back to the voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): Sure this is a bit shorter length compare to the length of an episode of the show, being 90 minutes. But you can see the deleted scenes on Youtube or on the Blu-Ray to see what didn’t make the final cut of the film.

Rowdy (Voiceover): And unlike REALLY bad adaptation movies like the Dukes of Hazzard, Jem & the Holograms or that godawful excuse of a Bewitched movie, this movie clearly knew what it was doing! Which shouldn’t be surprising given it was just an extension of the actual show that was still airing at the time and was made by the same people who did the show! You pretty much get exactly what you should expect if you’re an MST3K fan: A riff of a B movie, the characters acting like their snarky old selves, a plot with elements that actually carry over into the series itself – for a show that never got any real respect from its distributors, including the studio that distributed this movie, it’s clear the creators didn’t let that get them down and stayed true to what they knew their fan base would have wanted. Granted, that may have been one of three big reasons Universal didn’t put much effort into the promotion and I think we know the other two (shot of Pam Anderson) but at least Mike Nelson and Company stayed true, and that’s what’s allowed this movie and the series to maintain its cult status.

TLOTA: And as far as I’m concerned, it may be the closest to a perfect adaptation of the series. So what if it didn’t succeed the way it intended to. It eventually earned its cult status as has the series. So it’s no surprise there is a reason the show and this movie has endured because it does what we ALL want to do with a bad movie talk over the bad parts and mock it for all it’s worth. (Cut to Everyone at James’ office)

Rowdy: And Really, Stupidiot, if you thought THIS was the worst thing out there, this might be your worst evil scheme ever, and you once tried to take over the Federal Reserve with your minions armed with super soakers! (Cut to Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: There was a shipping mix up with the blasters I ordered! I’ll never use UPS again!! But anyway, it won’t save you from being stuck in space for the next fifty years with all this bad cinema! (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA: You’re right! But these will! (Everyone in James’ office pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver.)

Rebecca Yaun: And the fact that even though you paid Dr. Plotsz to build the satellite, we paid him extra to ship you off to space for the next fifty years. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: PLOTSZ! (Dr. Plotsz steps into frame)

Dr. Plotsz: Jawhol!

Prof. Stupidiot: Did they pay you more to double cross me?

Dr. Plotsz: Vell, Einen Doctor Never kisses und tells vut…. Let me say Auf Wiedersehen! (Dr. Plotsz walks away as the ground beneath Prof. Stupidiot starts to shake as he is cut off in the same manor when TV’s Frank pressed the button to shut off communication to the Satellite of Love before cutting to see Everyone outside of James’ office as it cuts to a plume of smoke coming out if the same building.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Imagine it…. (Cut to everyone looking out into the sky)

The Nostalgia Kid: Trapped in there for fifty years with nothing but bad TV, Movies and Video Games and with no one else.

TLOTA: Who said he was going to be alone for the next fifty years? (Cut to the interior of the Satellite as we see Prof. Stupidiot is upset that he is trapped with a drunk Jack Perkins, Mr. B. Natural, Pitch & Torgo!)

Torgo: Aanyone wannaa Pizza?

Mr. B Natural: I don’t know about Pizza but how about I awaken the spirit of music in all of you!

Jack Perkins (Singing): Wasted away again in Margaritaville! Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt! (Pitch chuckles)

Pitch: Can you believe we’ll get to know each other better for the next fifty years! (Pitch chuckles)

Prof. Stupidiot: CURSE YOU ROWDY, NOSTALGIA KID AND JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to the outside of James’ studio as a gigantic shadow covers everyone.)

Rowdy: You know I just thought of something He might not be up there for fifty years. Once he remembers the Deus Ex Machina, he’ll be back.

Nostalgia Kid: What, you mean the secret escape pod hidden in the box of Hamdingers that Joel used to escape in?

Rowdy: Well, Stupidiot HAD to build that thing EXACTLY like the original Satellite of Love, so no way that wasn’t included.

Chris (Audio only): So dude, what’s going on?

TLOTA: Oh the usual a psychopath tried to exile me into the depths of space, reviewed a movie, sent said psychopath into the depths of space himself. A usual Tuesday.

The Nostalgia Kid: Did any of you get a memo for a solar eclipse?

Chris (Audio only): Oh you’re a funny guy. (Everyone turns and the camera pans up from a pair of feet to James’ brother Chris’ face before cutting to everyone else)

The Nostalgia Kid: MONGO! SANTAMARIA!

TLOTA: Relax that’s my brother and Chris he didn’t mean to insult you like that and dude, not cool saying that to my brother!

The Nostalgia Kid: Mount Kilimanjaro is your brother?!

Rowdy: He doesn’t mean that Chris.

The Nostalgia Kid: The hell I don’t.

Rowdy: Apologize or you won’t get any ham dingers!

The Nostalgia Kid: He made ham dingers? How?!

TLOTA: Nostalgia Kid, you are looking at the best Chef in the Albany region of New York!

The Nostalgia Kid: HE’S A CHEF?

TLOTA: Dude, let me give him a ham dinger and he’ll apologize!

Chris (Audio only): Here you go! (Chris gives James a ham dinger to The Nostalgia Kid)

The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, Flaky yet tender Crust, Interior is perfectly balanced and melts in my mouth. Chris, I hope you can accept my apologies for being so crude and crass about you.

Chris (Audio only): We’re cool! (Chris smacks The Nostalgia Kid in the back and sends everyone falling down like bowling pins.)

TLOTA: Dude, not cool! I thought I said no smacking at full force! Everyone good? (Everyone nods as to say yes.) Awesome, why don’t you head inside and I’ll be there shortly. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks away before cutting to a black screen with the words “Sometime later….” In white are seen. Before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid as he has finished another review.)

The Nostalgia Kid: Phew! Another movie review in the books. What to do next? (The Nostalgia Kid looks on his shelving to see a packaged DVD and a card with it.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Reading aloud): “Hey there dude, sorry you couldn’t stick around for the main event of the party which was us riffing on this one, so I actually sent you a copy for you to check out. Watch at your own risk. Your buddy James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”

The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, wonder what it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid unwraps the package and sees the cover of “Fishtales”) Well, I have yet to see it. How bad it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid pops in the DVD as the opening theme is heard before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Viewing later….” In white are seen before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid with his Jaw scraping the ground before he takes the disc and tosses it into the garbage.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Whispering while looking into the camera): I hate you James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!

(Cut to a black screen before cutting to James holding The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy as James counts down from 3 to 1 as they shout “MOM!” and James says “Okay I’m sure at least one of us is deaf!” before the three of them chuckle then the instrumental of Combine Harvester plays in the background as James takes the camera to the green screen room as he shows us three chairs and glued theater backing.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Little secret behind the scenes moment these are just three standard Metal Chairs with a theater backing glued and these are Portable DVD players so we can watch the movie in case we come up with something on the fly masterfully built by our resident mad carpenter & prop maker Nick Yaun as we see him partly Torgofied.

Nick Yaun: Yeah the shirt itches like hell.

TLOTA (Audio only): Well the guy who played Torgo 86’d himself not long after filming “Manos: The Hands Of Fate.” Ended.  So it’s no surprise it’s uncomfortable but I’ll see if Renee can find a way to keep it from itching too much and here’s Chris Lee Moore rehearsing with Gus and we can see the Stupidiot shirt is on and he is rehearsing with Gus is rehearsing. How are you holding up in here?

Gus Webb: Nothing bad I can say

Chris Lee Moore: Okay, bit of truth here I forgot my Stupidiot Bowtie but thankfully James has one that looks like it.

TLOTA (Audio Only): And here is Paulo Fonseca and this is Brenda the lovely wife of Paulo. Yes, ladies he’s off the market and she’ll be in next month’s review as the receptionist in our intro and what do you think of your husband the mad scientist?

Brenda Fonseca: Well I heard that you were kind of interesting in a crazy sort of way but hearing his German accent, well… he actually does sound like Peter Sellers’ Mad German and the fact you were able to bring it out of him is surprising. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke as he gets himself ready to be Jack Perkins and Traci Hines is preparing to become Mr. B. Natural and Mike is in his Pitch gear save for the Facial make-up)

TLOTA (Audio only): So there’s Eric and is it comfortable becoming Jack Perkins or…

Eric Kurtzke: The Suit is comfortable but the teeth and bald cap are a pain in the ass. But I’m getting comfortable.

TLOTA (Audio only): And this lovely lady helping out with makeup is someone I met on the CONtv Facebook page, Olivia Horvath say hi to my fans.

Olivia Horvath: Hi everyone. You know working here is an interesting experience. I’ve done some of the things James asked of like this before.

TLOTA (Audio only): Uh Will you be available for August and September?

Olivia Horvath: Why?

TLOTA (Audio only): I’m going to be needing help on the make-up for the Ghosts in the Ghostbusters review in August and September my review of “Jem & The Holograms” for Traci to become Synergy and you need to deconstruct and rebuild quickly in layers and speaking of… Traci, you seem to be able to fit into Betty Luster and Bridget Nelson’s tights and how did you get most of the costume.

Traci Hines: A lot of the stuff I’ll be wearing is from my Peter Pan & Tinkerbell Cosplay that I’ve done. But props to Renee for being able to work wonders with the needle and thread because it looks accurate and feels comfortable.

TLOTA (Audio only): Listen while we have Eric as is let’s shoot the part where Stupidiot is in the Satellite with the Drunk Jack Perkins which is towards the end of the review. That good with you guys?

Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m a bit of a mess.

TLOTA (Audio only): So was Jack when he was sloshed. (Everyone laughs as everything cuts to the studio as James is in the center Gus is on James’ right and Rowdy is on his left as Gus shouts “Movie Sign” as he, Rowdy and James run and Gus bumps into James, falls down and James signals for a cut. Cut to James as he has to stand in platform shoes that raises him up to his brother’s height.)

TLOTA: Chris! If you’re checking this out! You owe me big time dude! I’m talking about you taking my ass to the New York Comic-Con so I can meet Stan Lee before he passes away big! I’m actually playing my brother Chris so he can still keep his job at “The Ruck” because he works his ass off. For those wondering The Ruck is a bar which my brother cooks like the master chefs. (Cut to black)