"Superman III" to the third power co-written by Jeff "Writrzblok"Gwinnup and Gus "The Nostalgia Kid" Webb

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans basic mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting alongside the 2017 Power Rangers Movie Power Rangers at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman  and Nick Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos peeling out in The DeLorean From “Back To The Future” before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT from “Knight Rider” in Super Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise from “Star Trek” (2009) and Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic screwdriver then cuts over to multiple clips from the past five years of “The Last Of The Americans” reviews as the Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with The Nostalgia Kid, Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Writrzblok, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to  The Nostalgia Kid dressed as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

The Nostalgia Kid:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Can you believe that Superman is EIGHTY FRICKIN’ YEARS OLD?! (Cut to different clips of Superman in all his incarnations as the John Williams’ Superman Theme and The Nostalgia Kid does a voiceover)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
And while he is mainly revered he’s also been the butt of far too many jokes. Some being about how he’s too old fashioned, he’s too powerful and of course if it were not for the standards and practices of networks I’m willing to believe they would’ve put every “Fire Island”/ “San Francisco” joke onto Superman in the “Superfriends” cartoons. Fortunately, in 1978 father and son duo Alexander and Ilya Salkind brought the renaissance of Superman with the first Christopher Reeve Movie under the direction of Richard Donner. However, during production, The Salkinds and Pierre Spengler were at odds with Richard Donner and he was promptly fired while trying to finish “Superman II”. I went over both The Donner and Lester Cuts a while ago so check out my feelings about the two.  (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid dressed as James as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

The Nostalgia Kid:
But what bridged the greatness of the first two movies and the crap we in the online community have had to deal with is…

TLOTA (Audio Only):
Superman III!

The Nostalgia Kid:
Who said that?

TLOTA (Audio only):
Over here dude! (Cut to the doorway as we see James Faraci The Last Of The Americans at the doorway.)

TLOTA:
What are you doing? (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid as he quickly tries to get out of James’ suit.)

The Nostalgia Kid:
Well you see, I know you’re a Superman fan and I have been wanting to review a Superman movie and I know Superman IV has been done to death as has “Superman Returns” I figured I’d try something more middle of the road. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Are you kidding me?

 (Cut to the trailer title card of “Superman III” before cutting to clips of “Superman III” as the John Williams "Superman Theme" plays in the foreground James & The Nostalgia Kid does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“Superman III” sounded like a good idea on paper, but it didn’t come out as well thought out. The Comedy is more intolerable than any one joke in “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”, The story is less intelligible than that of “Superman Returns” and I TRIPLE DOG DARE someone to say anything positive about the forced contrivances just to try make anyone believe half of the insanity that happens in this movie.

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
Will this make us pine for “Superman Returns” or will we be begging for Superman to snap our necks just as he did in “Man Of Steel”? (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid & James in James’ office)

TLOTA:
Let’s see if this is worth the pass from being considered one of the worst Superman Movies. This is…  (Static interruption)

TLOTA:
Now what? (Static interrupts as it cuts to Writrzblok sitting in his chair, with his bookcase full of graphic novels behind him which looks like a corner in James’ main lobby.)

Writrzblok:
Happy Fifth Anniversary, James. (Cut to James and The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA:
Thanks

The Nostalgia Kid:
And you are?

Writrzblok:
I’m Writrzblok. Think of me as the guy you dial up when even the Last Angry Geek won’t return your calls for a comic book reviewer. 

TLOTA:
Oh, right, Writrzblok! Though what are you doing in my main lobby? (Cut to Writrzblok in the Main Lobby)

Writrzblok:
Let’s just say I’m sorting some things out and leave it at that. Plus, I reviewed the Superman III comic adaptation, which required me to watch the movie for research and comparison, which means I’m fully aware of what I’m getting into here. As to why I’m here in the Main lobby, don’t ask, just get here and we’ll do this on the couch. (Cut to Writrzblok, The Nostalgia Kid and James on the couch in the main lobby)

Writrzblok:
So…

The Nostalgia Kid:
Shall we?

TLOTA:
Absolutely this is… Superman III! (Cut to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid, and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
The movie opens in the Unemployment offices of Metropolis with a woman whose head is ninety-percent hair. And I thought Gary Spivey had a bad perm. We’re introduced to Gus Gorman played by The Late, Great Richard Pryor. He talks with the floofy-haired receptionist about his troubles in finding a steady job. The receptionist with the hairstyle of inserting a fork into a light socket tells Gus he’s no longer eligible for unemployment after thirty-six weeks.

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
After bumming a match off a guy which has an ad for a computer school we see our opening credits and BOY are they underwhelming. Showing exactly what we’re in for, unfunny comedy and Superman once again played by The Late Christopher Reeve being Superman for a small portion of the run time. We’re in for a fun ride! If only I was old enough to drink.

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Well to be fair the opening credits do show what’d be like in Metropolis on a normal day especially when a guy hits a fire hydrant, Superman changes in a photo booth and gives the kid who played the young Kal-El in The first Superman movie a photo of his adult self. But I’m sure there was more they could’ve added in. (Cut to a green screened image of James walking the street as the blind man running the road painter knocks James into a street sweeper passing by before cutting to Paulo & Brenda Fonseca as they trip the bank robber played by Writrzblok into a window and the Police Officers played by John & Mike Santos arrest all three before cutting back to the movie as the four of them continue their voiceovers)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
After the wacky hijinks, we found out Gus is, apparently, a natural-born computer whiz, having performed a task on a computer thought to be impossible. We soon find ourselves in the Daily Planet as Jimmy Olsen, played by Marty McFly’s Older Brother Marc McClure is handing in his photos of Ross Webster played by the late Robert Vaughn, his sister Vera played by Annie Ross and Lorelei Ambrosia played by Pamela Stephenson to Perry White played by the late Jackie Cooper just as Clark decides to return to Smallville and Lois Lane played by the late Margot Kidder decides to head on out to Bermuda. (Cut to the group on the couch as they look at James.)

TLOTA:
Fine! Apparently, there was some discord while Superman II was being produced and Gene Hackman decided not to return for the third one while the late Margot Kidder only appears in the beginning and ending of the movie because she was upset with The Salkinds for firing Richard Donner. (The Nostalgia Kid sighs and shrugs before cutting to the movie as James, Writrzblok and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
We soon find out that Gus is hired by Ross Webster’s company though he is unhappy about the piddly excuse of a paycheck when he discovers that there is something called half cents and finds them in the accounting program and takes it for himself. Wow, he really is a computer whiz if he’s able to rob his boss blind like that while being that unfunny.

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Jimmy & Clark literally talk turkey on the ride to Smallville which is stopped thanks to a Chemical plant going Kerblammo and I know by this point Marc McClure is hoping to get out quicker, so he can appear in an episode of Trapper John M.D.  But leave it to Superman to come up with the most implausible way to save the scientists that are trapped by turning a smokestack into a slide! I should note that in the comic adaptation, the workers were shown to be saying “Whee!” as they slid down. However, there’s something more pressing. Apparently, there’s a room filled with acid that once heated to 180 degrees Fahrenheit it becomes a cloud of acid that’d eat more than Matter-Eater Lad, Shaggy, Scooby, Goku and Luffy in a buffet! We’ll classify this as Chekov’s acid.

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But to add on the "Totally Screwed" factor that keeps piling up in this movie the pump house to the firehoses goes out forcing Superman to freeze the lake five miles away and drop the ice onto it. Even though by normal conventions Ice dropped from that height would’ve just crushed the plant Monty Python style but it melts into a rain storm with enough water to put the fires out and stop the acid from heating to the acid cloud temperature.

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
After that pointless bit, Ross Webster discovers Gus’s Scheme and instead of turning him into the proper authorities he has Gus become a lackey to have him wipe the half of Columbia’s exports which is their coffee crops off the map. Why? Because he wants to control the coffee. Why you may ask? Good question. (Cut to James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok)

Writrzblok:

You want to know who else has coffee? Brazil, Costa Rica, The Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Honduras, India, Indonesia, Jamaica, Kenya, Mexico, Nicaragua, Papa New Guinea, Peru, Rwanda, Tanzania, Uganda, Vietnam, Yemen and Zimbabwe.

TLOTA:
Uh, Writrzblok, it’s stated that he has deals with those countries. 

Writrzblok:
I guess I forgot about that fact.


TLOTA:
What are you, a shut-in?

The Nostalgia Kid:
Or a coffee fiend? (Switches back to TLOTA, Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Clark goes back to Smallville as he goes to his High School reunion and meets with his old high school sweetheart Lana Lang played by future “Smallville” (Doing a Ben Affleck “Batman” growling voice) MARTHA (Back to normal) Annette O’Toole.

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
The two quickly rekindle their friendship as Brad played by Gavan O’Herlihy try to drunkenly win Lana as well. But Lana obviously likes the guy whose photo doesn’t even look like Jeff East in the class photo taken all the while Clark becomes the man Lana and her young son Ricky played by Paul Kaethler need, especially when Ricky is nearly shredded into chipped beef by a wheat thresher and to be fair the transition from Clark to Superman is awesome in this sequence.

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Gus makes it to Smallville and gets into a small branch company owned by Webster and wouldn’t you know it, MORE WACKY HIJINKS! (Show clip of Gus messing around with the technology intersperse cut with James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok looking as the lights turn on and off before cutting back to the movie)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
After that comedic concussion, Gus finally gets a Weather Satellite to wipe Columbia off the map. And here is where I have one of the biggest problems of having Richard Pryor in Superman III most of Richard Pryor’s edge has been pretty much shorn off for this movie. And it’s not like he hasn’t done family comedies before this. However, here it just comes off as trying way too hard to be funny and I’m just not feeling it.

TLOTA & The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover in unison):
No disagreements here

(Show clip of Ross Webster, Vera and Lorelei celebrating and plotting their next scheme before Gus comes in and tells them what happens before cutting to James, The Nostalgia Kid, and Writrzblok on the couch)

TLOTA:
He’s gonna be unfunny for a while, isn’t he?

Everyone else (In Unison):
Yep!

TLOTA:
Okay then let’s take a break. I’ll get the Martinelli’s and the Liquid I.Q.

(James walks away as the others sit there in agony as Gus continues to talk as it fades to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James The Nostalgia Kid, and Writrzblok do voiceovers.)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
So if you were able to get through that rib tickling humor Richard Pryor brought to the moment. He basically tells Ross Webster that all his plans to hurt Columbia went up in smoke thanks to Superman. 

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
They soon discuss how they can stop Superman when Kryptonite is brought in to the conversation. Ross suggests to Gus to contact the Satellite and find a sample of Kryptonite! Why not go to Addis Ababa and get a sample? Because it’d be 2+2=4 and not 2+2=IFLYDACHOOCHOOTRAIN!! (Show Gus as he shouts, “I CAN’T SKI!” and falls off the roof and turn into a blood splatter on the screen before cutting to James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok on the couch as James and Writrzblok chew out  The Nostalgia Kid about how his edit turning Gus into a blood splatter was too much even for their taste and The Nostalgia Kid defending his decision before cutting to the movie as everyone continues their voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
He doesn’t die though Richard Pryor’s career barely recovers after being in this movie. After getting the Satellite to find a sample of Kryptonite when one of the elements is “UNKNOWN” Gus guesses cigarette tar giving us Faux Kryptonite. The Hell? (Cut to everyone on the couch as The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok look at James)

Writrzblok:
Mind if I take this one?

TLOTA:
Sure thing dude.

Writrzblok:
Alrighty then. One of the proposed ideas for this movie was that there would be different forms of Kryptonite coming in to affect Superman and some of the others was meeting Kara Zor-El AKA Supergirl while dealing with Brainiac & Mr. Mxyzptlk. In fact, there was going to be a darker, more dramatic Superman movie however for one reason or another Warner Brothers discarded until they were left with a plot that made no sense in terms of Superman logic but also a lack of common sense logic. Oh, and apparently Brainiac, Superman and Supergirl…Superman’s COUSIN…are in a bizarre love triangle because pass me the Martinelli’s. (Cut to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After a celebratory reception from Smallville’s town folk to thank Superman for not only saving Ricky from being turned into a bloodstain but for the putting out the fire from the chemical plant when we get EVEN MORE FREAKING UNFUNNY RICHARD PRYOR! (Show clip of Richard Pryor being a Three Star Gen talking crazily while cut to the three of them behind the couch as they bang their heads on the wall rhythmically before cutting to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid, and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
So if you haven’t died from Not laughing. Gus hands Superman the Faux Kryptonite which turns him into DARK Superman! Just how dark Superman become? He allows a trucker to die falling off a bridge while creepily flirting with Lana, puts out the Olympic Torch and straightens out the Leaning Tower of Pisa! Even though the architects knew the ground was unstable and decided to build it accordingly, so it would lean but not fall over. Not to mention the structural damage would’ve caused it to collapse, destroying it completely!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Ross Webster begins his oil plot by forcing oil tankers to stay in one spot and then having Gus shut down all the oil derricks. Gus does so accordingly but only if he gets what he wants which is to get a Supercomputer built. But the size of it needs to be in a cavern. Although one tanker decides to disobey the order to stop until Lorelei asks Dark Superman to stop that oil tanker. He does so and while the Supercomputer is being built we get… OH GOD! OH NO! NO! NO! (Cut to everyone trying to look away while The Nostalgia Kid screams “CUT AWAY!” Writrzblok facepalms himself aggressively)

TLOTA:
DON’T GO ANY FURTHER! DON’T GO ANY FURTHER! SHOW SOMETHING ELSE! ANYTHING ELSE!

(Cut to Deadpool played by Cambell Dodson does a funny Polka Jig while in the background we get a shot of Deadpool’s crotch as twin pictures of Tommy Wiseau cover Deadpool’s Balls and in the foreground the first seventeen seconds of Da Jodel Rudel play before a record rip is heard as the image cuts away to a green screen and a very upset Julia Alexa Miller stares at Deadpool as she takes off the mask to reveal that it’s Cambell Dodson as he nervously smiles and runs away from a very angry Julia Alexa Miller before cutting to James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok)

TLOTA:
Don’t ask what the reason for that was, just be glad after seeing what we just saw it was the perfect insanity cleanser for us! (Cut to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As you hope to never think about Superman under the influence of Faux Kryptonite and I HOPE NEVER TO FIND OUT WHAT HE DID! Lana has had enough of Brad calling all the time and tries to go to Metropolis just as Christopher Reeve I mean DARK Superman decides to drink and fire peanuts like bullets.

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
After he read the reviews for this movie wouldn't you get tanked? (Show clip of DARK Superman screaming “What are you staring at?” with James, Writrzblok and The Nostalgia Kid saying in unison “A Fallen Superman” before Ricky’s voice trying to get Superman back to normal echoes in Superman before Superman screams and the echoes echo to James and everyone on the couch before cutting to a duo played by Paulo Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke in a small village surrounded by a forest as Superman’s pained screams continue to echo)

Inigo (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Fezzik, Fezzik, Listen do you hear?
It is the sound of ultimate suffering! My heart made it when Rugen slaughtered my father. Now Superman makes it!

Fezzik (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Superman?

Inigo (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Yes, his movies are starting to stink, so who else besides Superman would be suffering? We must help him! Excuse us, pardon us, Fezzik if you would please?

Fezzik (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
EVERYBODY MOVE!  (The crowd parts like the Red Sea)

Inigo (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Thank you! (Cut to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
After that scream which affected even The Princess Bride for some reason Dark Superman and Clark Kent separate and if I could (The Movie pauses as The Nostalgia Kid takes the head off DARK Superman and replaces it with Henry Cavill’s and paints a moustache onto Henry Cavill’s face chuckles then runs away as the movie continues)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
Clark and Superman fight in the junkyard and honestly, this is my favorite scene in the movie. The fight itself is well choreographed for the budget they had. It’s not a DBZ-style smackdown but considering this came out well before even Dragon Ball, I doubt it’d have been much of an inspiration.

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After throwing tires and being tossed into a compactor, getting slammed with a magnet and placed onto a metal shredder. Clark has had enough of Dark Superman and everything he did to tarnish Superman’s image and decides to choke a bee-atch!  

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
This could’ve been a great display of showing how even Superman, someone whose moral fiber is nigh unshakeable, can have moments of doubt, frustration and even anger at the role he plays and how it affects his dealings with the very people he’s sworn to protect. Sadly, it’s a teeny tiny diamond in a great big pile of coal. (Show the rest of the fight as Clark chokes the life out of Dark Superman and Dark Superman disintegrates before cutting to James, Writrzblok and The Nostalgia Kid on the couch)

TLOTA:
At least Superman didn’t have Zod’s neck in his hands! (The others prepare to open their mouths and they nod as if to say “James makes a good point” before cutting back to the movie as James, Writrzblok and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers just as Clark stands up and reveals Superman’s insignia)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After regaining his strength and life Superman gets to work by replacing the oil he spilled and bringing Webster, Vera, Lorelei and Gus to the proper authorities!

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
However, Webster is not in his personal ski lodge on the top of his building. The gang is on the run as they hover down to the Supercomputer except for Gus. (Show clip of Gus saying, “I just don't believe a man can fly.” Before cutting to everyone sarcastically chuckling as well before cutting back to the movie as James, Writrzblok and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
As Superman rockets his way to the canyon with the supercomputer inside he tries to evade missiles while Ross Webster plays a video game trying to kill Superman. Yeah for many, this is just the height of DUMB and it’s not hard to see why. I mean if you’re fighting Superman, you should be seeing the footage of Superman taking on the missiles in real life not with a video game simulation! And here I thought when The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles did a simulation of their lair while trying to stabilize their mutation was STUPID!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After taking a missile that looks like it was designed by a Cylon. Superman makes it to Ross Webster and the others as they start off with what they call an invisible shield which is as invisible as neon green would be in a grey environment. Superman escapes the shield as he’s suddenly hit with real Kryptonite! Realizing he’d be a part of Superman’s murder Gus heads on down and shuts off the supercomputer after a brief battle with Ross. Well that was ea...(Show clip of Gus discovering that the machine is coming back to life on its own.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
The Supercomputer is now sentient and with that Gus takes out it’s Kryptonite canon and knocks Gus out. Though I think by that point in time Richard Pryor wished he was dead and what does Superman do? Run for his own existence!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And to anyone who saw this when they were kids like I did prepare to have Vietnam Flashbacks like I’m about to in 5,4,3,2… (Show clip of Lorelei escaping but Vera becoming a robot and escaping and hurting the people around her before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid, Writrzblok and James curled up into a ball on the couch and sucking on his thumb.)

Writrzblok:
Aaaaaand Vera has just become the Borg Queen. Yup. This is a thing that’s happening. (Looks to James) Is he going to be alright to finish this review?

The Nostalgia Kid:
Let’s help him by escorting him to the toilet and he can crap himself better. (Cut to the two standing outside the Port-A-Potty as screams of abject fear and diarrheic sounds coming out of the Port-A-Potty before cutting to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
Superman returns with a can of Chekov’s acid from the Chemical Plant and after dealing with Seven of Nine and three-quarters, Supercomputer starts heating the acid and with a missed Special Effects shot of Superman heating that can of acid to the point it destroys the Supercomputer. (Cut to later as Superman says that the Supercomputer died from Acid Indigestion before cutting to James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok on the couch as James makes a call on his cell phone before cutting to Hell as it has just re-ignited and The Devil played by Paulo Fonseca)

The Devil:
Yello!  (Cut to James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok on the couch.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, we heard a joke that was SO bad we need all of you down there to Boo with us! (Cut to The Devil)

The Devil:
You got it! (Cut to James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok on the couch.)

TLOTA:
Okay, Everyone ready? On Three. ONE, TWO, THREE! (Show everyone booing and throwing things at the screen before cutting back to the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid and Writrzblok do voiceovers)

Writrzblok (Voiceover):
So Gus is forgiven by Superman, because that’s just the kind of guy he is. Lana moves to Metropolis just to become Perry’s Secretary and Assistant and never appear in these movies again.

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
Though Superman’s rep still needs to be rehabbed, maybe he should try ridding us of our nuclear weapons

 TLOTA (Voiceover):
DUDE! Don’t even Joke about it. Anyway, Brad suffers an embarrassing exit, though admittedly had a more dignified ending in “Willow” (Show clip of Airk dying in “Willow” before cutting back to “Superman III” as James continues his voiceover) And the movie ends on the bad joke of Superman returning the Tower of Pisa to it’s leaning state! Un milione di grazie Superman! (Show clip of Christopher Reeve Superman movie ending then cut to James, Writrzblok and The Nostalgia Kid on the couch)

TLOTA:
As much as I like this movie as a guilty pleasure, it’s not completely flawless as I’m sure you guys are thinking that… it kind of sucked for you to sit through. (Cut to Clips of Superman III as the John Williams "Superman Theme" plays in the foreground as The Nostalgia Kid, Writrzblok and James do their voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover):
I’ll admit that this movie has its good points, that is when not overusing sight gags, slapstick and Richard Pryor and when Superman III resorts to plot points rehashed from the last two movies. Otherwise it could’ve been WAY more worse than People make it out to be

 Writrzblok (voiceover):

Having seen the movie twice now, I would like to admit that maybe I wasn’t being entirely fair to Superman III. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s still a bad movie and none of the gags worked for me, even with a comedic great like Richard Pryor trying his damnedest to make it work. The story ended up being way too dumb and, at times, kind of creepy, especially the scene where Superman tries to put the moves on Lana when they’re alone. I can attribute it to the fake kryptonite, but it’s still an unsettling point in a movie that is ninety percent light-hearted slapstick. Especially when it diverts into almost a horror movie at the end with the Supercomputer trying to assimilate everyone. The highlight for me is still the Clark vs Superman fight and I wish we could’ve had more of a build-up to that or explored that more instead of the bad gags and tedious, unnecessary schtick. Is it the worst Superman film out there? Absolutely not. BUT, if you’re a purist who wants it for the collection or to play it as background noise, you could do far worse.

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’ll say this, it’s not a good movie nor is it as bad as “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”. It’s a definite Saturday/Sunday Afternoon movie. Harmless Popcorn flick that could’ve been worse but if someone out there thinks it’s the greatest Superman movie they ever saw, then maybe we need to raise our bar on how Superman should be! (Cut to James, The Nostalgia Kid, and Writrzblok)

TLOTA:
Well, thanks for dropping by though I do have to ask why you are here.

Writrzblok:
We wanted to take a little bit of the pressure you’re under from you otherwise you’re gonna explode! Also, you pretty much begged me to come and review this with you. But most importantly…well… I’ll say it, your friends are worried you might not make it to see the next day, so we had a conversation and said we’ll handle what’s next on James’ schedule. James you’re awesome and I’m not afraid to say that but you can’t keep going like this. You’ll destroy yourself before you know it.

The Nostalgia Kid:
He makes a good point. Look we can’t convince you to stop all together or anything like that but promise us that you won’t let this kill you inside.

TLOTA:
You know something, I shouldn’t just promise you guys, I should get everyone else! HEY GUYS! (Cut to everyone on team TLOTA come walking in from the backroom and walk towards the couch.) Look I know I’ve been a little over stressed and working on fumes, but I promise if it looks like I’m about to go off the rails. I’ll back away. Okay? (Everyone else agrees and head on out and James thanks them for caring with a hug or a handshake before everyone else walks out the front door with John Santos being the last guy out the door before cutting to James sitting down on the couch as Linkara comes running in and onto the couch)

Linkara:
Okay, let’s shred “Man Of Steel” a new one

(James gives Linkara the evil eye before he runs off then fading to black then cut to James in his office as he is on a phone and pacing back and forth)

TLOTA:
Come on… Come ON! (Cut to Taylor Huff on the set of “Life As A Mermaid” as Taylor Huff answer Alex’s phone.)

Taylor Huff:
Hello? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Taylor, THANK THE LORD. Is Alex around? (Cut to Taylor)

Taylor Huff:
I don’t think she wants to hear from you right now. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Taylor, it’s important a friend of mine named Steve is probably there to make a mountain from a molehill! (Cut to Taylor)

Taylor Huff:
Whaddyamean? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Look Steve is an awesome guy, but he nearly got clocked in the head when he jiggled Doug Yaun in my Woody Woodpecker Review! (Cut to Taylor)

Taylor Huff:
So why is he coming here? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Remember when Alex stopped by my place last month? He somehow thinks he can fix a mess that he didn’t create! (Cut to Taylor)

Taylor Huff:
Well it does explain Alex’s new-found powers and abilities. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What “New-found powers and abilities”? (Cut to Taylor as she has a flashback as the music and effect of a flashback are shown as it shows Julia Alexa Miller talking to a colony of seagulls then to a moment in which Julia Alexa Miller redirects a bolt of lightning from striking the set and then disperses the storm and finally moving a set piece which weighs about 100 lbs. while everyone looks in shock before cutting back to Taylor)

Taylor:
Let’s say it’s getting weirder on the set and we’re doing a series about a pair of mermaids in the human world, do the math James. (Chad Narducci walks in behind Taylor)

Chad:
You may want to get to the set, now!

Taylor:
Why?

Julia Alexa Miller (Audio only):
TAYLOR! YOU BETTER BE IN YOUR TAIL AND READY TO SHOOT RIGHT NOW! (The scene shakes as Julia Alexa Miller shouts “NOW!” as it cuts to James as he falls on his backside before cutting back to Taylor and Chad)

Taylor:
Gotta go! (Taylor flops out of frame as Chad picks up Alex’s phone)

Chad:
Hello? (Cut to James as he is on his backside)

TLOTA:
Chad, listen to me, a well-meaning friend by the name of Steve Kidd is on his way. Find a way to keep him away from Alex! Do what you must! (Cut to Cambell)

Chad:
“Do what you must!” Got it! (Julia Alexa Miller walks into frame as Chad drops the phone into Julia Alexa Miller’s hands) Oh hey there Alex, uh I’ve got things you asked me to do that you haven’t asked me, uh I GOT TO GO! (Chad runs for his life)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Hello (Cut to James as he stands up in surprise)

TLOTA:
Alex! Listen to me you might not remember what happened last month! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh I remember reading a letter from your Ex and next thing I know, I’ve got powers and memories and who knows what else is in my head and I’m trying to come to terms with that. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Oookay! So, you do remember. Listen I’m willing to give you the space to give you to come to terms with what’s going on. Right now, I need your help to stop a friend who means well to help us if there even is an us and he wants to mess with something that he shouldn’t. His name is Steve Kidd and the dude means well and if he comes near you, have as many people block him off the set and send him to take a break with my friend Chris. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Who? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Rowdy? (Sighs) Fine, the guy who worked in a rideshare business and mistook Flour for the other Columbian product outside of coffee produced there. Just wondering where Steve is now. (Cut to a small town as Steve Kidd sticks out like a sore thumb!)

Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
As I traverse this country on my way to California to help my friend, I always feel the best way to get to know the locals is to dress and eat like them! (Cut to Steve in a diner)

Steve Kidd:
Howdy Flo! (Chuckles to himself) tell me what’s the Soup Du Juor?

The waitress (Played by Renee Miller):
It’s the soup of the day!

Steve Kidd:
I’ll take that with the Hamburger meal!

The Waitress:
Anything else?

Steve Kidd:
Is this spelled in Habla español? A Sundae? (The Waitress walks away sighing before cutting to Steve walking around the small town.)

Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
But given the current state of everything, I felt it my obligation to keep everyone on their toes (An emergency siren blares)

Steve Kidd:
OH MY GOD THE NUKES ARE COMING! THE NUKES ARE COMING! RUN! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (A chaotic riot happens as Steve continues to scream before quickly slamming to black)

Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
Yeah, I may have to claim temporary insanity to get my ass out of the sling I’m in! 

The "Mystery" of The Crossover Co Written by Gus Webb & Chris Lee Moore

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to a table where Piano music is heard playing the MST3K theme song and a plethora of food with Ham, Cheese & Turkey, with fruit and veggies is spread colorfully before the camera pans to the head of Jack Perkins played by Eric Kurtzke is resting on the end of the table before standing upright)

Jack Perkins: Hello, I’m Jack Perkins and I would like to introduce you to this fabulous review of the movie “Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie” as done by Gus Webb “The Nostalgia Kid”, Chris Lee Moore “The Rowdy Reviewer” Grrr the guy is crazy (Jack chuckles) and finally….

TLOTA (Audio only): Bar’s fully stocked

Jack Perkins: Oh Goodie! Goodie! I think I’ll make my usual five o’clock cocktail. (Camera turns to James)

TLOTA: Some people…. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As you can tell, I’m having a little celebration. Rowdy’s on his way, everyone else is back from sabbatical and I have certain family members whose birthday is around the corner and as an added bonus I’m celebrating the return of The Satellite Of Love as Mystery Science Theater 3000 returns to the airwaves. As a matter of fact, I asked everyone to come with a bad movie they all like to riff on for fun as a party game. (The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy pop in from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)

The Nostalgia Kid: I brought The 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie for us to riff.

Rowdy: And I brought The godawful insult to the 80s that is the Jem & the Holograms movie. (turns to camera) Which just might be the subject of a three-way crossover review with Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero coming this Labor Day and viewed at rowdyc.com…

TLOTA: This isn’t a DX promo dude, cut it out! Anyway, sure those are good choices. But it’s not a bad movie riffing party without “Fishtales” (Rowdy groans as The Nostalgia Kid goes ooh!)

Rowdy: Not that movie again!

The Nostalgia Kid: Well I have yet to see it, this might be a fun one to riff on.

ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! A signal is trying to make contact to us.

TLOTA: Patch it through! (Static breaks to see Professor Hiram Stupidiot laughing maniacally before cutting to the three looking)

Rowdy & TLOTA (In Unison): STUPIDIOT!

Nostalgia Kid: Who?

TLOTA: A Continual pain in the tuchus for Rowdy. (Cut to Stupidiot.)

Professor Stupidiot: That is right James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Rowdy and friend! (Cut to James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid)

The Nostalgia Kid: Actually I’m The Nostalgia Kid. (Cut to Stupidiot)

Professor Hiram Stupidiot: Well whoever you are you are about to join them in here this satellite that’ll stay in Geosynchronistic orbit for the next fifty years or when I take over the entire Tri County Metroplex and you’ll have nothing but bad movies and TV Shows to watch while you stay up there. (Professor Stupidiot laughs maniacally until a voice off screen yells at Stupidiot to shut up when Dr. Plotsz played by Paulo Fonseca appears from Stage Left)

Dr. Plostz: Ach Du Lieber!  I AM TRYING TO VORK HERE! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA: DR. PLOTSZ?! What are you doing there? (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Dr. Plotsz: Vell Herr Faraci, I vas given quite a bit of money to build Ze Satellite and I developed quite a few movies and TV show ideas.

Stupidiot: I loved the one in which there was a scientist who sent a low level employee into outer space who made robots to keep him sane as he watches bad movies that once repeated over & over again which will reduce the mind to the consistency of rotten vegetables so the Mad Scientist can take over the WORLD! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA: Do you two want to join me or…? (Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid nod yes.)

TLOTA, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (In unison): THAT’S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000! (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Stupidiot: Well speak of the devil and he will appear because before I launch the three of you into space, I’ve got something for the three of you to watch. (Stupidiot cackles as he pulls out the Mystery Science Theater 3000 the Movie DVD before cutting to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Wait a second? (Cut to Stupidiot’s hand holding the case for Mystery Science Theater 3000 the movie)

Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie?! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)

Nostalgia Kid: HOLY CRAP! Let’s do this! (Cut to clips of the movie as James, Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)

Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): I briefly made mention to this on my tribute to Mystery Science Theater 3000 but this bears a full on out review. But I think what makes this show great is that it makes fun of a bad movie and we get to revel in the joy of it.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well that’s because Mystery Science Theater 3000 is required watching if you become an internet reviewer and the movie just feels like the crash course before the starter class.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But will the movie live up to the show or will it wind up getting itself riffed apart. (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)

TLOTA: So let’s find out… (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Stupidiot: NOT SO FAST! If you’re going to review this movie, you must do it properly as I send you the movie! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically as Movie Alarm Klaxons blare)

Nostalgia Kid: MOVIE SIGN! (James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and run around which causes James to get dizzy.)

TLOTA: Which way do I go George? Which way do I go?

Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid (Pointing in different directions): THIS WAY! (James shakes Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid’s hands)

TLOTA: Gee Thanks a lot George! Thanks a lot! (All three fall down as the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center splits in half as the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the movie being shown with a theater silhouette with The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)

TLOTA (in Silhouette): As I was trying to say this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 The movie. So the movie opens up in Deep 13 where we meet Dr. Clayton Forrester played by Trace Beaulieu as he exposits on what he has done and what he plans to do to you guessed it take over the world. (Show Clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji in “Mind Of Mencia” saying “Oh, Of Course.”)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): And what is his plan to take over the world by showing us the same bad movie until our collective I.Q. is at the same level of Tapioca Pudding. Now is it me or is something missing?

Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well TV’s Frank had left the season before and Pearl by this point hadn’t been introduced in the continuity of where the movie was at with the series so in the movie he was flying solo. It’s here he tells us that he thinks he has found the perfect movie to reduce our collective intelligence to that of Tapioca Pudding with “This Island Earth” and plans on testing it on those trapped on the “Satellite Of Love” and speaking about the “Satellite Of Love” we soon go inside as we’re introduced to Mike Nelson played by Michael J. Nelson as we see him getting his daily workout in. (Rowdy & James hum “Gonna Fly Now” as Mike runs on the treadmill for a few seconds before cutting to a glowing eye)

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): I’m Sorry Dave but I cannot allow you to Jeopardize this movie!

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Actually that’s Gypsy performed by the director of the movie Jim Mallon as Gypsy tells him what’s on the itinerary for the day and gives him the report, Tom Servo played by Kevin Murphy and as far as I’m concerned the best one as he lets Mike know that Crow is trying to break them out of the Satellite. But How? (The scene in which Crow tries to pick out the bottom of the hull is shown as all three in Silhouette say Cha-Cha-Cha as the pick hits the hull)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Actually that wasn’t a smart move on Crow’s part because… (Show moment in which The Hull is breached and Tom Servo is being pulled into the vacuum of space as the three react with NO! TOM! NO! TOM SERVO! Until Tom’s Hover skirt covers the circumference of the hole in the outer hull as James, Rowdy and Nostalgia Kid sigh a sigh of relief.)

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): Fortunately, the helmet worn by Crow T. Robot who is also performed by Trace Beaulieu is big enough to patch the hole so Tom Servo could get free and just in time for Dr. Forrester to torture the three of them kneel and Crow to speak in tongues and tell them the movie they’ve got to see. (Show the moment in which they get the movie sign and the entryway to the theater)

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Is it me or is the entryway to the theater in the series better than the one in the movie.

Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (in Silhouette): Eh, A little.

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): And from here on out, we’re getting two movies for one. Not a bad deal if I say so.

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Not at all as we check out “This Island Earth” with Mike, Crow & Servo. Now do you two understand why we’re on the left. (Show the movie as Mike, Crow & Servo riff the movie as James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid look on)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): You know I wonder why didn’t this movie succeed at the box office the way it should’ve.

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Well, from what I read the same promoters and the company that released this movie released and promoted Pamela Anderson’s movie “Barb Wire” the same weekend guess where the money to promote this movie went to?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Cocaine?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): That and Pamela Anderson’s T&A fest!

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well that just makes it a BIGGER frack-up that the Nostalgia Critic didn’t use the “tried to kill me with a forklift” joke!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): But the joke was on them because more people were in theaters to see this movie than Pamela’s movie and here’s a missed joke opportunity.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Where? When?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Dr. Cal Meacham in “This Island Earth” is in his jet and is having landing problems and the jet is surrounded by Green Energy. What type of superhero emits Green Energy?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Oh, I got it now Deadpool!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’m not gonna talk to you until after the break! At any rate after Dr. Meacham builds the Interocitor with his assistant Joe they meet with a person named Exeter in “This Island Earth” our heroes riff on their soon to be home at the time.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Oh yeah, after Season 7 Trace Beaulieu left the series and Comedy Central gave it the axe only for Sci-Fi Channel to pick it up and since I said that I guess I have to comply with IRU regulations don’t I?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Yep! ORAC! Hit it! (Play the clip of The Joker shouting “If You have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! Before cutting back to the three in silhouette watching the movie.)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette) And just as the three get really into the groove the movie breaks. (James’ Cell phone rings.)

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Hello!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): He has a Cell Phone? And the ringtone is “Go Go Power Rangers?”

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Trust me I rode him for that.

TLOTA (Points to Rowdy In Silhouette): Well, Yours is the theme from “The Dukes Of Hazzard”! ORAC! Pause the movie where “This Island Earth” broke.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): What happened?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): There’s Chaos back in the studio and I’ve got to deal with it. (James walks out)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Want to see what all the hubbub is all about?

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Do I?!  (Cut to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)

TLOTA: What in the Sam hill is going on around here?

Paulo Fonseca: In a word…. CHAOS!

Rebecca Yaun: After Jack got into the bar he got so blotto he hit on everything in a skirt, including Eliza.

TLOTA: What? Where is Jack now?

Eliza Dushku: Currently in a cage sleeping off being beaten like a government mule! Oh by the way the Pizza you promised didn’t deliver!

TLOTA: Who ordered the Pizza?!

Renee: I did, I found a place that was closer than the one your Brother in laws’ family runs and it was cheaper.

TLOTA: Where did you order from?

Renee: Torgo’s Pizza?

(Everyone groans)

TLOTA: Renee! Torgo’s Pizza is a chain franchise. I HATE Chain Franchise Pizzas they all taste the same! There is a reason I choose my brother in laws’ pizza over the Chain Franchise. FLAVOR! And the fact the money stays in local business owners hands to improve their business and doesn’t pay for another corporate higher-up yacht’s down payment!

(Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands Of Fate” plays as Torgo played by Nick Yaun ambles in)

Torgo: Heere are your Pizzas. Thaat will be sixty-five dollars.

TLOTA: Here’s eighty, keep the change!

Torgo: Thank you so very much sir. Let me get the complimentary Garlic Knots.

Everyone else: NOO!

TLOTA: Just get back on delivery schedule.

Torgo: Very Well then, before I go the master wanted you to have these coupons for the Pizza Buffet. He wanted you to have them, but I am giving you them to you. Have a Nice day! (Torgo ambles away as his theme plays in the background before the door closes and the theme ends.)

TLOTA: I’m going to have to sterilize that door knob and anything else he touched before I let anyone else touch it. Anyone else got good news?

John Santos: I had to drop The Wrestling Mark like a bad habit he was just getting more and more belligerent.

 (“Pitch” from “Santa Claus” pop jump cuts in played by Mike Santos)

TLOTA: Wha… How did you get in here?

Pitch: Oh I’m one of Jack Perkins’s plus Ones

TLOTA: How many Plus Ones did Jack Perkins invite?

Pitch: Well there was me and one other person. (A fluty piece is heard as Mr. B Natural played by Traci Hines pop jump cuts in as Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid scream in terror and James Grabs them)

Mr. B Natural: Hello everybody! Mr. B Natural at your service, as natural a B as you’ll ever see! Knew your fathers I did! And don’t think I wasn’t in the garden with Mr. & Mrs. Adam.

Rowdy: I don’t know about you but this party is insane! We need some order! Let’s take a break!

TLOTA: Good Idea!

Mr. B Natural: A Super idea! And in the break I’ll awaken the spirit of music in you and in you and in you and in all of you! You’ll feel like a happy king! And we’ll have Fun! Fun! FUN!

(Mr. B Natural raises its right leg over its head as James, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy nervously chuckle and say “That’s nice, That’s really nice” Before the three shout “MOM!” as loud as they can before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as and the three of them shouting “MOM!” continues as the commercial break intro fades to black and then cut to the return as the movie is being shown with a theater silhouette as The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Thank god for that commercial break.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): It was a miracle that everything is under control again.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well, let’s get back to the review. As Dr. Forrester tries to fix the movie we discover that Mike is instrument rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator and that Gypsy is the one robot who keeps the Satellite flying but when Mike tries, he hit the Hubble! Hmm Subtle.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): What? What was subtle?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Mike unleashed the Manipulator Arms it was Torgo’s theme, and who played Torgo in MST3K.

Rowdy (In Silhouette):  Mike Nelson and before he was the host Mike was quite the utility player.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well yeah, aside from Torgo, he was also Michael Finestein, the colossus from those Burt I Gordon movies that were on MST3K, Jack Perkins, the list goes on & on!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well aside from some cosmetic damage it seems like it’s still good. (The Hubble falls from the sky before cutting to an image of the four kids from South Park as the Hubble crashes onto Kenny)

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In unison): Never mind! (The movie cuts back in.)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well “This Island Earth” is repaired as the three head back to the theater. Though I do have to ask why “This Island Earth” I mean yeah there was good riffing material outside of this movie.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well I think it had to be because Universal was the distributors and a caveat for Universal distributing this movie was for the team at Best Brains & MST3K to have them riff on one of their B-Movies and “This Island Earth” just seemed right in their wheel house. Oh by the by Paramount one of the Parent Companies of Comedy Central were also planning a movie but it would’ve brought Joel back and been like a pilot episode type of thing with Paramount having the right to recast parts with actors at their discretion. But after Tom Servo spills he has an Interocitor somewhere in his part of the Satellite and the three of them leaves the movie to Tom’s Room!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): YOWZA! And I thought I seen places that were Level 10 Bio Hazard Hell holes but as I look at this, I think it’s safe to say Tom Servo’s room makes them habitable to human beings in comparison but they find it and…. (Everyone screams as they see a member of Exeter’s race in the shower as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and try to avert their eyes.)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): I never want to see an Alien in the buff unless it was Turanga Leela!

TLOTA & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Hear! Hear!

TLOTA (In Silhouette) However Dr. Forrester mercifully interrupts our heroes and… (Show Tom Servo’s head being blown as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid groan and say NO! NOT SERVO!)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Hasn’t that poor bot suffered enough without having his head blown to bits! But Forrester does get them back to finish riffing on the movie.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): After “This Island Earth” ends Dr. Forrester thinks he’s reduced the brains of Mike and The Bots collective I.Q. to that of Tapioca Pudding he checks up on them to see they’re throwing a party and reveling in the insanity of the movie. Pissed that his plan failed for the umpteenth time he decides to reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow on his Interocitor only to have him wind up with that member of Exeter’s race in the shower and apparently everyone on the Satellite is glad for that because now they’re stuck in the Satellite forever…. Wait What?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): And the movie ends with our heroes riffing on the end credits.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): And I was thinking maybe we could I don’t know maybe sing the lyrics to the song.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Sounds good to me.

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): In the not too distant future, Way down in Deep 13, The Evil Dr. Forrester was hatching a nasty scheme. He hired a guy by the name of Mike, just a regular Joe he didn’t like his experiment needed a good test case. So he clocked him in the noggin and then shot him into space!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): GET ME DOWN!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’ll Send him cheesy movies, the worst I can find Tra-la-la! He’ll have to sit and watch ‘em all and I’ll monitor his mind Tra-la-la!

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Now keep in mind Mike can’t control how the movies begin or end Tra-la-la! He’ll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL!

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Cambot!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Gypsy!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Tom Servo!

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts! Tra-la-la! Just repeat to yourself it’s just a show, I should really just relax! For Mystery Science Theater 3000! (The three get up and walk out of the theater as the scene cuts to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)

TLOTA: So he should be back any second.

Nick Yaun: Actually he never shut down the line, we just had him on Mute this whole time after he sent the movie to you three stooges.

Mike Santos: He’s been talking about how The Tri County Metroplex will bow to every whim. (Everyone look at Mike Santos)

Mike Santos: I’ve got good hearing and Lip Reading. Besides he couldn’t hear us because while he was yammering on and on, he’s been talking and no one’s been hearing.

Eric Kurtzke: Besides I came up with a plan and I got the right people to side with us!

TLOTA: Awesome. ORAC, you know what to do. (Cut to Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: So you have seen the worst adaptation of a show into a movie… (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA: Back up pal that is where you are wrong.  Shall we?

Everyone: THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME! (Cut to Clips of the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy do voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): First off, making a show into a movie can be a bad idea when it is done wrong, but in Mystery Science Theater 3000's case...this was a job done right. No wonder it has an Eighty-Eight Percent Audience approval and Eighty Percent Critically accepted on RottenTomatoes.com or why even Siskel & Ebert gave it Two Thumbs Up. (Cut to the Siskel & Ebert Review of the movie before cutting back to the voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): Sure this is a bit shorter length compare to the length of an episode of the show, being 90 minutes. But you can see the deleted scenes on Youtube or on the Blu-Ray to see what didn’t make the final cut of the film.

Rowdy (Voiceover): And unlike REALLY bad adaptation movies like the Dukes of Hazzard, Jem & the Holograms or that godawful excuse of a Bewitched movie, this movie clearly knew what it was doing! Which shouldn’t be surprising given it was just an extension of the actual show that was still airing at the time and was made by the same people who did the show! You pretty much get exactly what you should expect if you’re an MST3K fan: A riff of a B movie, the characters acting like their snarky old selves, a plot with elements that actually carry over into the series itself – for a show that never got any real respect from its distributors, including the studio that distributed this movie, it’s clear the creators didn’t let that get them down and stayed true to what they knew their fan base would have wanted. Granted, that may have been one of three big reasons Universal didn’t put much effort into the promotion and I think we know the other two (shot of Pam Anderson) but at least Mike Nelson and Company stayed true, and that’s what’s allowed this movie and the series to maintain its cult status.

TLOTA: And as far as I’m concerned, it may be the closest to a perfect adaptation of the series. So what if it didn’t succeed the way it intended to. It eventually earned its cult status as has the series. So it’s no surprise there is a reason the show and this movie has endured because it does what we ALL want to do with a bad movie talk over the bad parts and mock it for all it’s worth. (Cut to Everyone at James’ office)

Rowdy: And Really, Stupidiot, if you thought THIS was the worst thing out there, this might be your worst evil scheme ever, and you once tried to take over the Federal Reserve with your minions armed with super soakers! (Cut to Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: There was a shipping mix up with the blasters I ordered! I’ll never use UPS again!! But anyway, it won’t save you from being stuck in space for the next fifty years with all this bad cinema! (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA: You’re right! But these will! (Everyone in James’ office pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver.)

Rebecca Yaun: And the fact that even though you paid Dr. Plotsz to build the satellite, we paid him extra to ship you off to space for the next fifty years. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: PLOTSZ! (Dr. Plotsz steps into frame)

Dr. Plotsz: Jawhol!

Prof. Stupidiot: Did they pay you more to double cross me?

Dr. Plotsz: Vell, Einen Doctor Never kisses und tells vut…. Let me say Auf Wiedersehen! (Dr. Plotsz walks away as the ground beneath Prof. Stupidiot starts to shake as he is cut off in the same manor when TV’s Frank pressed the button to shut off communication to the Satellite of Love before cutting to see Everyone outside of James’ office as it cuts to a plume of smoke coming out if the same building.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Imagine it…. (Cut to everyone looking out into the sky)

The Nostalgia Kid: Trapped in there for fifty years with nothing but bad TV, Movies and Video Games and with no one else.

TLOTA: Who said he was going to be alone for the next fifty years? (Cut to the interior of the Satellite as we see Prof. Stupidiot is upset that he is trapped with a drunk Jack Perkins, Mr. B. Natural, Pitch & Torgo!)

Torgo: Aanyone wannaa Pizza?

Mr. B Natural: I don’t know about Pizza but how about I awaken the spirit of music in all of you!

Jack Perkins (Singing): Wasted away again in Margaritaville! Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt! (Pitch chuckles)

Pitch: Can you believe we’ll get to know each other better for the next fifty years! (Pitch chuckles)

Prof. Stupidiot: CURSE YOU ROWDY, NOSTALGIA KID AND JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to the outside of James’ studio as a gigantic shadow covers everyone.)

Rowdy: You know I just thought of something He might not be up there for fifty years. Once he remembers the Deus Ex Machina, he’ll be back.

Nostalgia Kid: What, you mean the secret escape pod hidden in the box of Hamdingers that Joel used to escape in?

Rowdy: Well, Stupidiot HAD to build that thing EXACTLY like the original Satellite of Love, so no way that wasn’t included.

Chris (Audio only): So dude, what’s going on?

TLOTA: Oh the usual a psychopath tried to exile me into the depths of space, reviewed a movie, sent said psychopath into the depths of space himself. A usual Tuesday.

The Nostalgia Kid: Did any of you get a memo for a solar eclipse?

Chris (Audio only): Oh you’re a funny guy. (Everyone turns and the camera pans up from a pair of feet to James’ brother Chris’ face before cutting to everyone else)

The Nostalgia Kid: MONGO! SANTAMARIA!

TLOTA: Relax that’s my brother and Chris he didn’t mean to insult you like that and dude, not cool saying that to my brother!

The Nostalgia Kid: Mount Kilimanjaro is your brother?!

Rowdy: He doesn’t mean that Chris.

The Nostalgia Kid: The hell I don’t.

Rowdy: Apologize or you won’t get any ham dingers!

The Nostalgia Kid: He made ham dingers? How?!

TLOTA: Nostalgia Kid, you are looking at the best Chef in the Albany region of New York!

The Nostalgia Kid: HE’S A CHEF?

TLOTA: Dude, let me give him a ham dinger and he’ll apologize!

Chris (Audio only): Here you go! (Chris gives James a ham dinger to The Nostalgia Kid)

The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, Flaky yet tender Crust, Interior is perfectly balanced and melts in my mouth. Chris, I hope you can accept my apologies for being so crude and crass about you.

Chris (Audio only): We’re cool! (Chris smacks The Nostalgia Kid in the back and sends everyone falling down like bowling pins.)

TLOTA: Dude, not cool! I thought I said no smacking at full force! Everyone good? (Everyone nods as to say yes.) Awesome, why don’t you head inside and I’ll be there shortly. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks away before cutting to a black screen with the words “Sometime later….” In white are seen. Before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid as he has finished another review.)

The Nostalgia Kid: Phew! Another movie review in the books. What to do next? (The Nostalgia Kid looks on his shelving to see a packaged DVD and a card with it.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Reading aloud): “Hey there dude, sorry you couldn’t stick around for the main event of the party which was us riffing on this one, so I actually sent you a copy for you to check out. Watch at your own risk. Your buddy James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”

The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, wonder what it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid unwraps the package and sees the cover of “Fishtales”) Well, I have yet to see it. How bad it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid pops in the DVD as the opening theme is heard before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Viewing later….” In white are seen before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid with his Jaw scraping the ground before he takes the disc and tosses it into the garbage.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Whispering while looking into the camera): I hate you James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!

(Cut to a black screen before cutting to James holding The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy as James counts down from 3 to 1 as they shout “MOM!” and James says “Okay I’m sure at least one of us is deaf!” before the three of them chuckle then the instrumental of Combine Harvester plays in the background as James takes the camera to the green screen room as he shows us three chairs and glued theater backing.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Little secret behind the scenes moment these are just three standard Metal Chairs with a theater backing glued and these are Portable DVD players so we can watch the movie in case we come up with something on the fly masterfully built by our resident mad carpenter & prop maker Nick Yaun as we see him partly Torgofied.

Nick Yaun: Yeah the shirt itches like hell.

TLOTA (Audio only): Well the guy who played Torgo 86’d himself not long after filming “Manos: The Hands Of Fate.” Ended.  So it’s no surprise it’s uncomfortable but I’ll see if Renee can find a way to keep it from itching too much and here’s Chris Lee Moore rehearsing with Gus and we can see the Stupidiot shirt is on and he is rehearsing with Gus is rehearsing. How are you holding up in here?

Gus Webb: Nothing bad I can say

Chris Lee Moore: Okay, bit of truth here I forgot my Stupidiot Bowtie but thankfully James has one that looks like it.

TLOTA (Audio Only): And here is Paulo Fonseca and this is Brenda the lovely wife of Paulo. Yes, ladies he’s off the market and she’ll be in next month’s review as the receptionist in our intro and what do you think of your husband the mad scientist?

Brenda Fonseca: Well I heard that you were kind of interesting in a crazy sort of way but hearing his German accent, well… he actually does sound like Peter Sellers’ Mad German and the fact you were able to bring it out of him is surprising. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke as he gets himself ready to be Jack Perkins and Traci Hines is preparing to become Mr. B. Natural and Mike is in his Pitch gear save for the Facial make-up)

TLOTA (Audio only): So there’s Eric and is it comfortable becoming Jack Perkins or…

Eric Kurtzke: The Suit is comfortable but the teeth and bald cap are a pain in the ass. But I’m getting comfortable.

TLOTA (Audio only): And this lovely lady helping out with makeup is someone I met on the CONtv Facebook page, Olivia Horvath say hi to my fans.

Olivia Horvath: Hi everyone. You know working here is an interesting experience. I’ve done some of the things James asked of like this before.

TLOTA (Audio only): Uh Will you be available for August and September?

Olivia Horvath: Why?

TLOTA (Audio only): I’m going to be needing help on the make-up for the Ghosts in the Ghostbusters review in August and September my review of “Jem & The Holograms” for Traci to become Synergy and you need to deconstruct and rebuild quickly in layers and speaking of… Traci, you seem to be able to fit into Betty Luster and Bridget Nelson’s tights and how did you get most of the costume.

Traci Hines: A lot of the stuff I’ll be wearing is from my Peter Pan & Tinkerbell Cosplay that I’ve done. But props to Renee for being able to work wonders with the needle and thread because it looks accurate and feels comfortable.

TLOTA (Audio only): Listen while we have Eric as is let’s shoot the part where Stupidiot is in the Satellite with the Drunk Jack Perkins which is towards the end of the review. That good with you guys?

Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m a bit of a mess.

TLOTA (Audio only): So was Jack when he was sloshed. (Everyone laughs as everything cuts to the studio as James is in the center Gus is on James’ right and Rowdy is on his left as Gus shouts “Movie Sign” as he, Rowdy and James run and Gus bumps into James, falls down and James signals for a cut. Cut to James as he has to stand in platform shoes that raises him up to his brother’s height.)

TLOTA: Chris! If you’re checking this out! You owe me big time dude! I’m talking about you taking my ass to the New York Comic-Con so I can meet Stan Lee before he passes away big! I’m actually playing my brother Chris so he can still keep his job at “The Ruck” because he works his ass off. For those wondering The Ruck is a bar which my brother cooks like the master chefs. (Cut to black)