The Final "Strike Back"

(The Scene begins with the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and his friends and associates fighting his digital doppelganger as the digital doppelganger holds his own.)

TLOTA (D):
Good attacks, but is that all you've got? (Cut to the real James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, as lightning comes shooting out of his eyes)

TLOTA:
Try this on, baby! (The "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin plays as James hits his digital doppelganger, and everyone gets one good shot until the music ends.)

ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
It got away. (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
For now. (Rowdy and James hug it out like brothers) You scared the hell out of me! (Rowdy Will Smith Pimp smacks James) Don't disappear on me without telling me where you're going! (James and Rowdy smile as they hug it out.) And as for you, Stupidiot. (Rowdy walks up to Hiram Stupidiot) Thanks, though I must ask how you snapped James' team out of their hypnotized state. (Cut to a flashback to when Rowdy confronted Stupidiot and when he was working with the holographic James as Stupidiot does a voiceover)

Professor Stupidiot (V.O.):
When you came at me when you were pissed off like you had just heard they did a worst Ninja Turtles project outside of Abomination and the Michael Bay movies, I knew James was in trouble, he keeps me on retainer in terms of anything he needs, though he does keep me on a short leash when I am needed. I discovered how the AI Digital Doppelganger's signal was hypnotizing the team. I was able to encode the lost episode's footage with a reversal signal and thank everything scientific they were watching it. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot physically)

Professor Stupidiot:
I may be a maniacal mastermind who is out to take over the entire world but at least I'm a hundred percent human! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
That's what I'm talking about. Right now, all of you will see what you can do to delete that digital demon. Before I forget, Chad, Alex is gone; she's never coming back, and you broke the terms of the deal, so you're fired. (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
What? Alex is gone, and I'm fired?! You can't do this to me! I MADE YOU! I MADE ALL OF YOU! WITHOUT ME, THERE WOULD BE NO INTERNET REVIEWERS! ALL OF YOU OWE ME! (Cut to Chad being tossed out on his ass with all his stuff after getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James opening up a panel revealing a set of new devices and everyone in Team TLOTA going towards James.)

TLOTA:
Rowdy, Guys! Grab your power drivers.

Rowdy:
Power Driver?

TLOTA:
I've got to avoid copyright claims, so I've created my own version of the screwdrivers and given them the generic title of Power Driver.

Rowdy:
Works for me! What are you... You're going to work, aren't you?

TLOTA:
Yep, hit the intro!

(Scene cuts to a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown and it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Before I was so quickly and rudely interrupted, I wanted to do one more review of Kevin Smith's that ended with a happy ending because endings like that are getting so small. Any win is better than nothing. (Cut to the title card of "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," then clips of the trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2001 and originally meant to be the final movie for the duo. "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" is the perfect middle finger on an industry that just seems to reward the incompetent, the bland, and, quite honestly, the dumbest of human existence instead of allowing new blood to flourish. The ones that could change the industry are made into bad jokes (Cut to the clip of Hooper as he says, "It's like watching "Batman and Robin" again. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.) And today, we celebrate it for the middle finger it is to Hollywood and the system that keeps new talent down and rewards its stupidity. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time saying, "Ho, go to hell, Hollywood!" as we watch "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back!" (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with the obvious Star Wars reference as we see Baby Jay, played by Brian Andrew Saible, and Baby Silent Bob, played by Harley Quinn Smith, in her first big role, as they meet outside a little place called the Quick Stop & RST. We then dissolve and cut to our heroes, played by Jay Mewes and Kevin Smith, in the present day as they start selling wares and talk about one of the greatest songs written, "Jungle Love" by Morris Day & The Time, I'm sure this won't be set up for the ending. However, this interrupts Randal's attempt at watching the 1980's classic "Clash Of The Titans." We soon find Dante, played by Brian O'Halloran, at his post at the Quick Stop when Jay's customers decide to harass the two. This harassment finally pushes the two to call the cops and file a restraining order, kicking the two out of their usual hangout place. Licking their wounds, they wind up at Brodie Bruce's Secret Stash, and it's here that Brodie tells the two that the comic book based on them and mentioned in "Chasing Amy" is becoming a movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And no one told Jay and Silent Bob because... (A ding is heard as the words "It's Hollywood. Why would they care about doing things in the normal legal way or the legal right way?!") thought so!(Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Armed with this knowledge, they confront Holden, played by Ben Affleck, as he tells the two that he sold the rights to Bankie and then shows the two the Internet and one site in particular, Movie Poop Shoot that shows that Friday is when the movie officially begins production and since it was Miramax producing it, they were going to use Ben Affleck and Matt Damon due to their academy award win thanks to "Good Will Hunting." However, what gets Jay and Silent Bob pissed off is the fact that people on chat boards are talking smack about the characters based on the two of them. With a three-day countdown from that day, they first see that post and a brief fourth wall break, which will happen a few more times in this movie; Jay and Silent Bob head out to Hollywood. The two hit the road as they meet a hitchhiker, played by the late George Carlin, who tells them about the unwritten book of rules of the road. After that, they meet with a nun, played by the late Carrie Fisher, and mistake the good book for the book they were just told about. Jay tries to go for something in the unwritten book, and the two are thrown out. Later, the two meet with a certain gang with a certain dog, and apparently, this movie forced the writers of another movie about this gang to tone down their humor, especially when Jay breaks out the Doobie Snacks! (Cut to the moment the gang hops up on the ganja, and the dog says, "Hi Ray & Rilent Rob! Tee-Hee-Hee!" Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The two knocked out, the hipster suggests the usual (Cut to the "Shag" as he says, "Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them on the black market and leave the two in a seedy motel bathroom filled with ice." Cut to James physically as he looks disturbed at what he just heard. Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After that "WHAT IN THE FLYING HELL WAS THAT?" moment, the two stumble upon a Mooby's as they come up to an Internet hot spot, and they decide to let those who have ruined their reputation and read all of them the riot act. This won't come back at any point. Just as the two get ready to get back on their journey to stop the movie, Jay meets the woman who will change his life forever. (Cut to the intro of "Justice" as played by Shannon Elizabeth. Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
 This is Justice, played by Shannon Elizabeth, as she is stopping off for some food for herself and her friends Missy, Sissy, and Chrissy, played by Eliza Dushku, Ali Larter, and Kevin Smith's wife, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith. Justice tells her friends that Jay and Silent Bob will ride with them, and Brent, played by Sean William Scott, joins in this strangely familiar-looking van. Sissy tells Jay and Silent Bob they're members of a college group in Kansas called Students Against Animal Cruelty, or SAAC for short, and they're on their way to Colorado to deal with a lab to stop their animal experimentations. However, one move by Brent sends Jay into a silent rage, and he quickly concocts a way to give Brent the heave-ho! (Cut to the moment in which Jay calls Brent a Sheep Shtupper and tosses him out, screaming, "Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Can't wait until he does this with any offspring he may have and saves from Knuckleheaded Cluckers! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Justice talks to Jay about what led them to be here, as Jay's conscience, two devils, and an angel keep him from pulling out his Wienerschnitzel. At a stop, Silent Bob, being the gentleman he is, helps the others out of the car. Sissy, Chrissy, and Missy rip into Justice for Jay and Silent Bob tossing Brent out of the van and then forces Justice to convince Jay and Silent Bob to take Brent's place. Jay thinks it's about stealing a monkey and doing it to get him some Justice, the person, not the concept. That night Sissy sets Jay up for a further fall by opening up about the Clitoris. (Show the clip of Jay talking about the Clitoris. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, I... no, I have no experience like that at all. (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Much like in "Mallrats," Jay and Silent Bob use the Batman Utility Belt, Grappling Hook, and Cable to get into the Animal testing lab while Justice, Sissy, Chrissy, and Missy decide to rob the Colorado Diamond Exchange literally just down the block from the Lab! (Cut to James physically as he pulls out a meter)

TLOTA:
The Coincidence meter is going off the scale! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jay and Silent Bob grab a tranquilizer dart gun with Animal Tranquilizers and then find an orangutan named Suzanne! Meanwhile, Justice, Sissy, and Chrissy nearly pull off the heist when something Jay said earlier causes Chrissy to fumble it big time. (Show the clip of Jay saying, "Fast Food makes Girls Fart." Cut to the moment Chrissy does her flips and then rips one, and the word "WHOOPS!" happens as the noise alarm goes all the way up. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The silent approach having gone down in farts, the three just smash and run, rig an explosive to blow the van sky high, and get out of dodge. Meanwhile, Jay and Silent Bob grab the Orangutan and get out of dodge when Silent Bob tells in his own way that the job ain't done yet.  (Show the clip of the animals escaping the lab, Jay and Silent Bob running with the orangutan as the police show up and the van blows up, with Jay seemingly thinking Justice has died. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
The best part of that moment was when the choir sang about the sorrow of Jay and Silent Bob. Sadly, the worst part is just around the corner. (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning, with Jay and Silent Bob on the run, we soon find the biggest misstep in this movie, Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly (Unenthusiastically chuckles), played by Will Ferrell. He comes in to make the orangutan's abduction the important business, not the diamonds that were taken next door. And, of course, Sissy's video tells Willenholly that Jay & Silent Bob were the ones that were the masterminds behind everything. Meanwhile, Jay & Silent Bob somehow make it to Utah. Jay and Silent Bob react to the fact they have an orangutan, and the orangutan reacts to Jay and Silent Bob's existence. Jay comes to the most outrageous conclusion about Suzanne. (Show Jay as he thinks that Suzanne is the ape to lead to the Planet Of The Apes as he has the Charlton Heston "Taylor" rant screaming, "You maniacs! DAMN YOUSE! GOD DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, because it was the ape you took is the one that would lead to the end of humanity. (Play the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jay and Silent Bob then return to the road to stop the Bluntman and Chronic movie. However, Marshal Willenholly hits the news circuit with Jon Stewart as Marshal Willenholly lets Utah know that Jay & Silent Bob are in their state. We get cameos from Dante, Randal, and Holden looking at what Jay and Silent Bob are now. As that news goes on, Justice lets the others know that she's starting to feel bad for Jay and Silent Bob while the others decide that they don't feel anything and decide to have their nasty way with the Pizza guy, and guess what he's one of the reasons "Spider-Man: One More Day" happened. After Justice's lament, the sheriff's department is led by Judd Nelson (Cut to James physically as he says, "And according to Jay and Silent Bob "He's Harsh!" Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) and Marshal Willenholly adds nothing to the moment except stupidity. Want to know how much? Jay and Silent Bob take a kid's clothes, put it on the orangutan, and get away only briefly! (Cut to Marshal Willenholly as he discovers one minute too late that they let Jay and Silent Bob out and the two of them fleeing the law, then to the rest of the scene as James does his voiceover.) Jay and Silent Bob find themselves in the same situation Harrison Ford was in "The Fugitive." As the two are trapped, Suzanne, the smartest of the characters, gets Jay And Silent Bob out of Harm's way as Marshal Willenholly decides to take the quickest route to his end! (Show the clip of Jay calling out Willenholly as he stops screaming momentarily to say "Hey" and then to Jay taunting the guy and Willenholly screaming, "OH FUCK ME! AAAH!" plummeting to his supposed death. Cut to the movie as James continues to do his voiceover.) Suzanne is taken by a group looking for animals for movies as Silent Bob finally snaps at Jay. (Cut to Silent Bob shouting, "THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR, SAID " CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD!" YOU DUMB FUCK!" as the echo reaches James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Hmm, heard you twenty-plus years later there, Silent Bob! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, by an act of the devil, Marshal Willenholly survives a fall of a dam and gets Jay and Silent Bob's message from the Poop Shoot message board. Jay and Silent Bob make it to Hollywood and discover another drug dealer named Pumpkin Escobar, played by Tracy Morgan, and they're all unionized. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Yes, the people who supply us with Cocaine, Heroin, and all sorts of illegal Pharmaceuticals are unionized. When I suggest it to my fellow content creators and internet reviewers, Everyone thinks I should be institutionalized! If I were in any other condition, I'd be breaking out the good stuff! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):TLOTA (V.O.):
We get cameos from Steve Kmetko and Jules Asner, who worked on E! News then. Justice sees Jay and Silent Bob outside the Miramax studios as they almost get past Diedrich Bader. Of course, we get the usual interlopers trying to deal with movies. Jay and Silent Bob get onto the set of "Good Will Hunting 2" as we discover Ben Affleck has himself a murdering hookers fetish, and then are reunited as we see the orangutan on the set of the latest "Scream" sequel. Our heroes then decide to punch that shit and land in the center of coincidence and circumstance as they meet who's actually playing them in the Bluntman & Chronic movie. Jason Biggs from "American Pie" and James Van Der Beek, who was Dawson in "Dawson's Creek." The Orangutan kicks Biggs and Van Der Beek, so they get arrested, and Jay and Silent Bob wind up as their comic book alter egos in the movie directed by Chaka Luther King, played by Chris Rock; we then soon begin filming as we see the villainous Cockknocker played by (Show clip of Mark Hamill standing there and the words "Hey Kids, It's Mark Hamill! (Applause)" are shown. Cut to James as he applauds it. Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
A battle breaks out, and Chaka thinks George Lucas will sue Miramax for this as Marshal Willenholly finds himself on the set of a Mooby's episode and puts Mooby out of its misery. Meanwhile, we see another "Strike Back" reference. (Show the clip of Mark Hamill losing his hand and then looking into the camera and saying, "Not Again!" Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Willenholly eventually makes it to the set to arrest Jay and Silent Bob just as Justice arrives to tell the Marshal, Jay, and Silent Bob about the stolen Jewels and then how Jay and Silent Bob were being used as patsies just as Missy, Sissy, and Chrissy decide they're not going down like that and a fight breaks out. In the middle of the fracas, Jay and Silent Bob meet with Bankie to stop the movie so people can stop talking smack about Jay and Silent Bob or get their money. Of course, Bankie being a douche, even during the days of "Chasing Amy," doesn't give a rat's ass about stopping the movie or forking out the dough. However, Silent Bob tells them about how he's in breach of the contract, and Bankie is willing to settle before the lawyers get involved; just rightly timed out is how the battle between Justice and Sissy ends with a superkick that knocks out Missy and Chrissy! (Cut to the moment in which Marshal Willenholly is patting himself on the back for being a good shot when a stray bullet hits him, and he drops dead. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, it was wish fulfillment, but think about it, no Will Ferrell, no really bad acting, and irritation from his performances! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
No, instead, Marshal Willenholly is tranqed by the Orangutan, and Justice surrenders the diamonds and her former cohorts to Willenholly, and that somehow gets him in the FBI as a Marshal; okay, the movie's wrapping up at this point, so now with the issue of the movie and the diamond thieves wrapped up, Jay and Silent Bob decide to find who has been bad mouthing Jay and Silent Bob and the movie ends with the premiere of "Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back" with characters from all of the View Askewniverse basically slamming how bad the movie was even Bankie was embarrassed by it except for FBI Marshal Willenholly and the movie ends with Morris Day & The Time singing "Jungle Love" spliced with a blooper reel and end credits. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And, of course, this post-credit scene. (Show post-credit scene from “Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back” as“God” as performed by Alanis Morrisette as she closes the book on the View Askewniverse, does her little dance, bows out, then cuts to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
And that was "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," A perfect movie to watch today. (Cut to clips of  "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as "Jungle Love" by Morris Day & The Time play in the foreground James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
To me, Watching this is the perfect thank you and fuck you to Hollywood that it needs. The story is your typical road trip comedic adventure movie with references to other movies and self-referential references to their own movie's universe that help keep the movie funny and relevant. This was Kevin Smith's biggest and best movie for a long time. If this had ended the View Askewniverse, it would've ended on a great high note. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and watch the other movies and "Good Will Hunting" to get a sense of what you're getting into. Watch it to let Hollywood know what you think about what it has done with your favorite movie franchises. (The footage is digitally turned into bits and pieces and then used to reconstitute the Digital Doppelganger of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA (D):
I'm not the enemy; I have been doing your job so efficiently that you can kick back and get the other projects done. (Cut to The Real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
At what price, the Quality? Actual Independent Thought? I saw the footage of what you did to my friends while I was on my journey, and the fact that you could work them like that? I may have them do more than they should, but I also pay them overtime for that devotion and give them extra time to recoup from working with me! You drained their life out (Power Rangers Communicator beep is heard). Talk to me.

Professor Hiram Stupidiot (Audio only):
James, the hologram, has reconstituted itself and is gaining more power. With Rowdy's help, I am close to finding the solution. He is working on a total deletion program.

Rowdy (Audio only):
It should be ready in one minute. (Cut to the Digital Doppelganger.)

TLOTA (D): 
James, you can have what you want. You can have her and the future with her if you want. (Cut to the real James as a digital hand of Julia Alexa Miller touches him, and he feels it. Cut to the Digital James.) James, if you delete me and all that I can give you, you will destroy your future. (Cut to the real James as he looks at the digital Doppelganger of Julia Alexa Miller as "Batman's Destiny" from the 1:25 to the 1:48 mark plays)

TLOTA:
My future had its chance (Cut to the Digital James as his fake smile turns into an angered look as "Batman's Destiny" from the 1:49 to the1:56 plays and then cuts back to the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans) Rowdy, Stupidiot, when you're ready, Barbeque the Uncanny James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (The digital doppelganger screams in pain and is slowly deleted with lightning arcs surrounding the digital doppelganger's demise in a painful fashion screaming "NO!" as he is being deleted, then ultimately is destroyed being sucked into a void of no escape; the scene cuts to the real James as the digital Julia Alexa Miller disappears like dust in the wind and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans sits in his office, knowing he is alone and will stay that way forever. as "Batman's Destiny" from the 1:57 to the 3:04 mark. Cut to sometime later as we see everyone packing up the last of Julia Alexa Miller's work as Rowdy walks away to check on James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. The scene cuts to James on his phone and looking over everything in his office and, in a moment of remembrance, cries as he sees a pic of himself with his family in 2018 and James happy with Julia Alexa Miller and the cast and crew of "Life As A Mermaid." then cuts back to James sitting down as there's a knock on the door.)

TLOTA:
It's open! (Cut to Rowdy as he walks in and sees the differences since the destruction of his digital doppelganger.) 

Rowdy:
Wow, not that many photos of you and Alex left are there. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, I failed her, and now I am paying the price. I've decided to allow myself to use dating apps if I want a long-lasting relationship. (Sighs) Rock meet bottom! I was going to announce my engagement to her. That was the only other surprise I had when I announced why I had brought everyone together. Now, there's not even that to get everyone together; I'm also canceling the vacation event. Financial issues are why it's not happening, and I am allocating the funds to pay for the rest of the team to take a long overdue break and extra overtime. They more than earned it, and I can relate; I can barely put up with myself for a limited amount of time; I'll never know how she put up with me for that long. (Cut to Rowdy as he looks at James)

Rowdy:
James, I know that life will never work in our favor. Just because there's a curveball doesn't mean it's the last at-bat for you. You're still doing what you do best, and what you're doing is really good. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
The numbers barely justify the rent and the bills for the place. That lost review has now become the equivalent of a review of "The Wall" done by Chicago Schmuck, and all my future projects are scrapped; worse, I'm now trending on X with everyone who knew me calling me as evil as either Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler and every other face of evil right now. My career is in the toilet, my personal life is a joke, and perhaps retirement is the only way out of my professional and personal misfortunes. (James sits down and cries as he thinks about it. Rowdy walks up and sits to talk to James face-to-face.)

Rowdy:
James, I've been doing "TV Trash" with only a few years' difference, and I understand why we should call it a career. But we should be doing it on our terms. As for failing in a personal relationship, I'm an expert; that's why I gave up on it for the sake of my career. James, if you need to take a break, then take it. If you want to call it a career, then do it. If you think you're still going down the same path that schmuck is going down, then stop. Find a new path, and hope you will have your desired happy ending. Think about it. (Rowdy stands up and walks away, and it cuts to James sitting there, knowing that he is stuck and there's nothing left for him as the scene fades to black.)

Connect The Plots: The Deleted connection of the first three "View Askew"niverse.

(Scene begins as a finger taps an app on a watch as it opens a portal the 1994 American Gladiators theme song plays , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cuts to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans’” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting in his office) 

 TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome to another edition of “Connect The Plots” (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of “Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers” & “Halloween: H20”, All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the “Wolverine” & “Deadpool” movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings “Connect The Plots La-La-La!” before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words “Connect The Plots” before cutting to clips of “CLERKS,” “MALLRATS,” & “Chasing Amy” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Kevin Smith built up his universe, it appears that the only connection that would connect it is that it is set in New Jersey, The Quick Stop, and, of course, Jay and Silent Bob! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But while I was working on The Different Cuts Of “CLERKS,” I found a scene that they had made that they couldn’t do but would recreate through the same animation style of that short-lived Animated series based on "CLERKS." It has a surprising connection that didn't come to me until then. So, let's take a look at the scene in question. (Cut to "Clerks: Animated Deleted Scene: The Funeral" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The scene opens with an intro from Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier as they discuss why they didn't shoot the scene, and given the budget, I can understand why. We then see the animated version of Dante and Randal as they enter the funeral home; Randal talks about the Death Cards, you know, those cards that have at funerals that have a brief prayer and a photo that gives people a small amount of peace as that goes on Dante comes upon Alyssa Jones from both "MALLRATS" and "CHASING AMY" voiced by Alyssa Jones herself, Joey Lauren Adams. Alyssa and Dante talk about the funeral, why Dante smells like Shoe Polish, the game show that Julie Dwyer was supposed to be on, and what led to Julie's demise, and then discuss Julie's passing and Caitlin's engagement to Sang the Asian Design Major. Randal returns to call Alyssa by her nickname "Fingercuffs," only for the events at the funeral home to unfold as Dante and Randal have a mishap with Julie's parents, Dante losing the keys to the shops in the casket, Randal knocking over the casket and Julie's body falling out with Dante and Randal running for their lives. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now, if you missed it, the connection was right there. Joey Lauren Adams' Alyssa Jones! (Cut to clips of Mallrats with Chasing Amy and as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
 Alyssa Jones' sister Tricia is in "Mallrats," and for all I know, Tricia told Alyssa about the events that happened to her as Alyssa went to Julie Dwyer's funeral. That doesn't mean that she had all the knowledge of the events that were going on at Eden Praire Mall, even though she may have also heard about them from Jay & Silent Bob. Why did Randal call Alyssa "Fingercuffs"? Remember, Randal Graves is an asshole and would act the way he would. He needs to get laid or succeed outside of the little niche life he carved for himself. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The one thought I have is this... How much do Alyssa, Tricia, and Gwen Turner affect the outcome of the events of this connection? Well, if Alyssa wasn't at the funeral of Julie Dwyer, then she would've had first-hand accounts of the events of "Mallrats" but would've served no purpose in being in the deleted scene. However, I'm sure no one would miss out on Randal being an asshole, even if he were to use an inappropriate nickname on someone. And if Alyssa was also at Eden Prairie for "Mallrats," I'm certain she would've gotten the video to "Silent Bob" a little too late, but not enough to affect the ending that much. But the connection works. As I liked the scene, it didn't affect the movie's likeability and the events in the movies in the View Askewniverse. In the grand scheme of the movie's universe, this moment is a nice nod to continuity between movies. Nooch. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion. (James walks away as it fades to James Faraci looking more despondent as he finally makes his way west as far as he rows towards and eventually comes upon an island.)

James Faraci (Audio only):
Well, I don't think I can go any further unless I go to this island and stay there to die. I've lost control of so much. I've lost my mind, my heart, and I think a large portion of my soul. All I feel now is sadness and a sense of hurt. I have lost, so now let me lay here and die.  (James hears voices as he looks around.)

James Faraci:
Where are you?! Can't I ever have peace?! (A Female voice provided by Hunter Deno screams, "We will give you peace! Attack him now, Verve!") Who? (Julia Alexa Miller throws herself to attack James as she lands; James screams in pain as she touches James temples. The energy courses through him into her, restoring Julia Alexa Miller to her human form, and she remembers everything.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh my god, I remember everything; oh no! James! (James wakes up)

James Faraci:
Alex, what happened? (A series of waves are rising as James shouts to run as it fades to black.)

"Reboot" of the View Askewniverse

(Scene starts with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James Daniel Walsh on his right with half of team TLOTA and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Once again, we’re going to talk about Kevin Smith.  (Cut to images and stills of Kevin Smith and the myriad of his work as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And for good reason even though he has had the odd movie where things haven’t worked for Kevin Smith, he has had a pretty solid career of making movies that have had audiences lining up to see his movies in droves, even some of his lesser works have a fan base. I saw footage of people dressed up as the Bratwurst Soldiers from “Yoga Hosers” that is awesome. And as of this review, Kevin Smith is once again going back to the View Askewniverse with “Clerks III”, and we have a heart attack Kevin suffered, and one movie to thank Kevin for getting back into the View Askewniverse. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since I am talking about Kevin Smith, this one is one everyone saw coming (Audio of “Goodbye Horses” play as it cuts to the title card of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot”, then cutting to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Possibly one of the best comeback movies for anyone, Kevin Smith decided to go back to the well again and not only found something better than how it was done the first time around, but he was also able to make something this feel like the beginning of the next chapter of this universe. So how will Jay & Silent Bob connect to a new generation? What surprises await our favorite long-time Stoner Duo? (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Well, the answers are going to be revealed in “Jay and Silent Bob: Reboot” (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as a SWAT team converges on the Quick Stop and the adjoining business now that RST Video has gone the way of the Dodo known as “Cock Smokers” which happens to be a Chicken cooking Joint which turns out to be a weed dispensary owned by of course Jay once again played by Jason Mewes and his Hetero Life Mate Silent Bob! Which of course was on its way to legalized status in Jersey as the movie was in production. We soon find Jay & Silent Bob in court where a lawyer for believe it or not Saban Films played by Justin Long decides to represent the duo and not only get the duo off of the charges but then quickly and in true Hollywood style get the rights to use Jay & Silent Bob for an upcoming reboot of “Bluntman & Chronic”! (Cut to the Power Rangers jokes characters are making because of “Saban Films”. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Bit of a correction you need to make there Kevin, if and when you do talk about Power Rangers again, in 2018 Hasbro bought the rights to the Power Rangers Franchise Lock, Stock, and Barrel, and while Haim Saban’s name is still attached to the franchise, let’s just say Linkara is more involved in the franchise then Saban is. (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Licking their wounds from the legal victory and the loss of the rights to call themselves “Jay & Silent Bob” to Saban Films. Our duo decides to go to Mall where Brodie once again played by Jason Lee has set up his comic book store after rent disputes at his old place. While there, everyone talks about one of their favorite movies “How High” and how they learned how to grow the Devil’s lettuce from “How High” they also discuss what caused them to lose the right to Calling themselves, Jay & Silent Bob. Kevin Smith, who exists in this world is directing the “Bluntman & Chronic” reboot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So does that mean that all the movies Kevin Smith made happened in the View Askewniverse as well? And if that’s the case then what about the movies that featured Kevin Smith in character roles and…and…and… (James goes crossed eye as a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’ left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray for The Red, White and Blue” play. Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief talk about the difference between a Sequel and a Reboot, we see our heroes watching a video that has Kevin Smith tell about a cameo for the movie done at a convention about “Bluntman & Chronic”. That gives our duo the idea to once again go to Hollywood to stop the movie from happening. After a brief joke at both Kevin Smith and Silent Bob about their weight problem and of course Jay & Silent Bob being banned due to their involvement in “C.L.I.T” from “Strike Back” our duo decide to do some credit fraud thanks to Ralph Garmin’s loud and angry “Ted Underhill” our heroes hit the road on a ride-sharing trip with Fred Armisen and a healthy supply of Tater Tots which he tried to market to tweens as “Hater Tots” but found an audience he didn’t want Radical Racists. (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I hate to interrupt you while you’re doing a review but, there’s a couple of people here who want to see you. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Can they wait? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I’ll ask. (Cut to James physically as the audio has Julia Alexa Miller talking and a voice shouting about how he had a heart attack and how he couldn’t fly because he was overweight and how he had to become a vegan until he says “Oh a waiting period, How much longer before James is available?” with Julia Alexa Miller saying “Soon” Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief appearance from Matt Damon’s Loki from “Dogma”, our heroes take a pit stop in Illinois. At a Mooby’s Jay discovers that the woman he loved Justice played by Shannon Elizabeth is now a Meteorologist for a local news channel. As their driver is arrested, Jay & Silent Bob find where Justice lives and is immediately incapacitated by a girl in a hockey mask and an attitude. After waking up, Justice brings Jay & Silent Bob up to speed, especially with the fact that Jay has a daughter, she doesn’t know who he is and Justice would like to keep it that way. Jay is introduced to his daughter Millenium Faulken. Okay, that’s kind of funny I will admit. Millenium or Millie as she would be called for the rest of the movie is played by Kevin’s daughter Harley Quinn Smith seems to have a good life and has a good friend Soppaphia, however as Justice and her better half Reggie played Rosario Dawson. Who I’m sure has a look-alike relative in New Jersey who runs a Mooby’s and is married to a man named Dante who is a partial owner of a little place called Quick Stop. Anyhoo as Justice and Reggie head on out Millie and her friend hold her dad hostage to take them to Chronic-Con.  (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, you may want to take a break and meet our guests. (Cut to James as he steps out of the office as it cuts to the opening to the Main Lobby)

TLOTA:
This better be important… (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to Jason Mewes on a recliner.)

Jason Mewes:
YO! WHAT’S UP MR. LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith:
Hello James, so you’re probably wondering what it is I am doing here? (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to James with a look of “Pants to be darkened” on his face as James runs for his life. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she looks on with Jason and Kevin looking over her shoulders.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
He’ll be back, soon, I hope…

(The Sound of tires screeching at warp speed is heard as it fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jay, Silent Bob, Millie, and her friend make their way to Chronic-Con Jay tries to be a dad and try to keep her daughter from making the same mistakes he made by forcing her not to talk about her private “Stimulation” and try to keep her from the weed Sophie grew in a commune but Jay forgot about one thing Weed laced Chocolate with enough of the ganj to knock someone my size out for about a month! (Cut to James physically in his car heading back to the studio in the vain hopes that Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes aren’t there anymore.)

TLOTA:
But I don’t know because I never touch the stuff, I’m just guessing. MOVING ON! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a moment in which Jay & Silent Bob has a moment with Redman & Method Man to discuss weed and parenthood. Jay wakes up looking like he’s teabagging Silent Bob as Millie and Sophie introduce us to Millie’s friends from an online support group, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT MAKING THESE NAMES UP, their names are Jihad and Shan Yu! WEE-OOOH! And apparently, Shan Yu is a Podcaster that tries to contextualize life in America for her audience in the homeland! Once they discover that they lost their ride. Millie begins a plan to take a van to get to Chronic-Con with Jay and Silent Bob which looks familiarly like the Van from “Strike Back”. On the ride there Jay has the thought that his offspring and her friends are International Diamond Thieves Like Millie’s mom Justice, and her old associates. However, after a half-pissed/half-crazed return of the Fred Armisen Driver character. Millie takes off with her friends leaving Jay & Silent Bob in the lurch! (Cut to James quietly trying to get to his office as he looks through a periscope and sees Julia Alexa Miller, Jason Mewes, and Kevin Smith talking about things one subject being James as James quietly makes it back to the office with a Whew nearly giving him away)

TLOTA (Quietly):
Just for the record, my oldest nieces wouldn’t be that way around me! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James quietly does a voiceover)

TLOTA ( Quiet V.O.):
Jay & Silent Bob quickly catch up to the girls as they find themselves caught by the members of those Knuckleheaded Clucking S.O.B.s led by of all people Chris “Le’ Champion” Jericho! Silent Bob distracts the Klan as Jay hits them with a bit of the weed and a port-a-potty filled to the brim with their excrement. Make your own DX dumping the McMahons and Spirit Squad with the contents of an overfilled port-a-potty jokes. The next morning Jay, Silent Bob, and the others make it to a level of Hell that Satan calls his winter home, Hollywood and they get to Chronic-con as Jay & Silent Bob get ready to stop the film and Millie tries to get her friend into the movie. While Jay & Silent Bob is being chased through different Q&As that features Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek, The “Comic Book Men” cast and the cast of wait a second… the cast from “clerks”  is in this and they’re in black & white? (Cut to James goes crossed eye as a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’ left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray for The Red, White and Blue” play. The muffled voice of Julia Alexa Miller saying “That might be him in his office.”  The muffled voice of Kevin Smith says “Let’s check it out!”)

TLOTA:
Crap! Got to be quick! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Holden McNeil and Alyssa Jones played by Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams pop in as Jay & Silent Bob meet their daughter Amy played by Jason Mewes’ actual daughter Logan Lee. (THUD) They discuss what it’s like to be a dad and Jay realizes that even though he may no longer be Jay he is something better, Millenium Faulkon’s Father as Holden gives Jay and Silent Bob the necessary passes to get into the girls into the movie. (THUD) The gang makes into the meeting with Kevin Smith, see a brief clip of the “Bluntman V Chronic” movie Kevin had in mind as we get cameos from Val Kilmer, Tommy Chong, and Melissa Benoist. (THUD) We get a classic comedy moment as Silent Bob and Kevin Smith do their own take on the classic Marx Brothers Mirror bit. (THUD) Millie and Silent Bob get on the stage incognito as they… (A final thud and shrapnel from the door Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith scream and the footage stops right there. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith look at the moment and at each other.)

Jason Mewes:
On three?

Kevin Smith:
Damn right! ONE! TWO! THREE! (The two go down to the bottom of the stopped moment as they push it up as James tries to run for it again Julia Alexa Miller forces James to sit back down.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Relax! They’re not here to cause you pain! (Cut to Jason Mewes)

Jason Mewes:
Listen to the lady, James. Kevin and I have a proposition for you. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Name your proposition. (Cut to Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith:
You don’t spoil the ending to the movie, finish your review, and then we will see if I can get you and Alex a cameo in the movie. There will be a million-dollar payday for it (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Can me and Alex think it over?

Kevin Smith (Audio only):
Please. (James and Julia Alexa Miller huddle up as they whisper to each other for five seconds.)

TLOTA:
For a million dollars? Absolutely! (James gives a thumbs-up as the scene freezes as cutting to the same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Kevin Smith couldn’t make good on his word to get James and Julia Alexa Miller into Clerks III.” “Julia Alexa Miller left both Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes in a world of hurting. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes will be better by the end of 2021” “The Rest Of The Team, James’ friends, colleagues, and betters joined James for a week off in Sullivan County New York.” “Why they’re in Strait Jackets and looking demented will be told… Eventually” (Cut to clips of “Jay and Silent Bob Reboot”) “Although James won’t give the ending away. James thought this was one of Kevin Smith’s best movies and a great return to form for Kevin” “James also thinks that the references, writing, acting,  and directing was some of Kevin’s finest as well” “However James thinks for anyone who makes this their first movie featuring Kevin Smith, shouldn’t. This should be this one watched AFTER watching the classics to get the references.” “If you are a hardcore Kevin Smith fan then James strongly recommends getting it on Blu-Ray, Digital, in any way you can. It will not disappoint!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away as the scene fades to black.) 

Five of Kevin Smith's Finest

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. It goes without saying that I freaking adore the works of Kevin Smith. (Cut to clips of Kevin Smith while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And for good reason. He has made movies that are considered stories that are a great slice of life, as a matter of fact five of his movies are five of my all time favorite movies and I'm going to do five rapid fire reviews on them. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: That's right this is not a countdown. This is me talking about one of my favorite directors and his works and before I begin I already talked about Mallrats in January if you want my thoughts on that look in the January of this year's review so let's start this with the first piece of work I saw of Kevin Smith which is probably one of his best movies ever "Dogma"! (Cut to Opening credit of Dogma then clips of the movie as the main theatrical score by Howard Shore from this movie plays while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): The premise of this movie is out there but in a good way. The Angel of Death named Loki played by Matt Damon having finished with the tenth plague of Egypt decided to go out for a drink with his friend a Grigori angel named Bartleby played by Ben Affleck and after being fifty sheets to the wind Bartleby convinces Loki to quit being The Angel of Death and he does so and flips God the bird. Pissed off by their arrogance the two were to be banished until the end of time to of all places Wisconsin. However an overzealous Catholic Cardinal played by the late great and immortal George Carlin decides bring Catholicism to the mainstream by rededicating a church in New Jersey and with Papal sanction gave said rededicated church Plenary Indulgence giving all those who pass through the archway of the church a morally clean slate. So it's up to an Abortion Clinical Worker who just so happens to be the Last Scion played by Linda Fiorentino, View Askew mainstays Jay & Silent Bob who in this movie happens to be the Prophets, The 13th Apostle played by Chris Rock & A muse with writer's block played by... by...by... ! (Show clip of Salma Hayek as The Muse while Bamboleo by The Gipsy Kings play before an audible slap is heard) Thanks I'm Back! Yep Salma Hayek plays the Muse. Where is God in all of this and how can our ragtag team of believers save the day, you may ask? Well you're going to have to watch the movie for yourself. Because if I give any more away it will spoil the movie. Let's just say that there is a reason I watch this movie every Good Friday. Because it is that good. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And what did Kevin Smith follow that epic masterpiece up with? Probably the biggest middle finger to Hollywood that I've ever seen "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" (Cut to opening credit of "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" with Jungle Love by Morris Day and The Time playing in the background to clips of the movie as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah kind of interesting thing originally this movie was meant to close out the View Askwewniverse which makes some sense. We start off with the two outside the Quick Stop and the RST Video Rental store next door like in "Clerks", They meet up with Brodie Bruce from "Mallrats" who now owns his own Comic Book Shop. Give a movie starring the only two characters that have been the only mainstays throughout the whole thing. Apparently Miramax purchased the rights to a comic in which the duo was based on which was mentioned in "Chasing Amy" and our heroes hit the road to get what's rightfully theirs, along the way they come upon a restaurant chain called "Mooby's", Mooby was introduced in "Dogma" and they meet some interesting characters such as a Federal Wildlife Marshall played by Will Ferrell, a hitchhiker played by the late great and immortal George Carlin, a nun played by Carrie Fisher, four very familiar people and their mangy dog, and a group of very, VERY gorgeous international jewel thieves, played by Elisa Dushku, Ali Larter, Shannon Elizabeth and Kevin Smith's wife herself Jennifer Schwalback Smith. I would say more but then I'd ruin every twist and joke in this thing so do yourself a favor and see this especially every April 20th. Because it is amazingly funny and a perfect middle finger Hollywood needed and still needs.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But believe it or not there is an even more bizarre movie made by Kevin Smith and is not a part of The View Askewniverse and the title itself is proof of how crazy it is. I am of course talking about "Zack and Miri make a Porno." (Cut to opening credit of "Zack and Miri make a Porno" with "Sex & Candy" by Marcy Playground playing in the background to clips of the movie as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): And believe it or not Seth Rogen who plays Zack was amazing and the chemistry he has with Miri played by Elizabeth Banks was just as great. I enjoyed the actual relationship growth the two develop because it was natural, it wasn't forced. The plot of this one is simple yet it leads to real complexity. Zack and Miri are roommates who find their financial situation in Dire Straits. The only thing left to do for the duo is to make adult movies and if I were to say anymore of the plot it would ruin everything about this movie. It has to be seen to be believed. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:  But I'm sure you're asking yourselves did Kevin actually do something simple? With the characters he's created. Well kind of especially with his first movie "Clerks" (Cut to opening credit of "Clerks" with "I can't even tell" by Soul Asylum playing in the background to clips of the movie as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): The plot while simplistic has layers of depth that people can relate to. A slacker who works at a convenience store named Dante Hicks played by Brian O'Halloran is forced to come in on his day off to man the Quick Stop and the misadventures he has with his "Friend" though trust me, If I had a friend like Randal Graves played by Jeff Anderson, I wouldn't need any more enemies. If I were to tell you anymore about the plot it would ruin the movie. All I can say is give this movie a watch. It's a classic that gloriously showed what it was like in the 1990's to be out of school and working for any sort of living.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But it wouldn't be the last we saw of Dante & Randal because outside of a cameo in "Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back" and an Animated series which my associate The Rowdy Reviewer should review, I think everyone knows the last movie I'm going to be talking about. (Cut to opening credit of "Clerks II" with "Nothing But Flowers" by Talking head playing in the background to clips of the movie as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): Taking place 12 years after the first and not taking any of the other movies out of cannon. Dante & Randal find themselves working at a fast food chain called "Mooby's" Interesting factoids about Mooby and the restaurant Dante & Randal work in "Mooby's" and as I said earlier The restaurant chain of "Mooby's"was first seen in "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" and the fictional character of Mooby was first mentioned in "Dogma" and the pose he makes is the same as "The Buddy Christ" which was seen in "Dogma" as well. But I digress, Dante has things starting to go his way. He has a smoking hot Fiancé played by Jennifer Schwalback Smith. He likes the person he works for played by Rosario Dawson. He's moving to Miami and getting a management job at a car wash and everything seems to be going his way that is until his last day at "Mooby's". What happens then? Well I know I sound like a broken record in this thing but trust me when I say, You have to watch the movie in order to understand it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I know I've been vague in these reviews but there's been a reason. (Cut to various clips from Kevin Smith's works with "I can't even tell" by Soul Asylum in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): It's because I've experienced them and I loved them. I'm hoping that you find something you love in them because what I love about all of them was the characters, the stories, the settings, heck even the crazy events that happened in the movies are something I love. Because they came from the mind of a guy who finds the humor in the mundane and ordinary and find the insane in it all. For you Kevin Smith, I say Snootchie Bootchies with reverence, honor and respect in your field of work. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion

Affleck & The "Mallrats"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen) I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets slightly angry and says quickly I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours as Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets up walks off to the right comes back holding 12 gauge semi-auto shotgun and fires three shots and an eight bit duck from “Duck Hunt” falls from the sky and the dog & duck from “Duck Hunt” comes up only for James to shoot the dog with a load of bird shot to the back of the dog’s head.) I guess I know who I’m going to be talking about for the next three months. (Cut to pics and clips of Ben Affleck while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Because what can be said that hasn’t been said about Ben Affleck. He became a Paparazzi magnet and a double Academy Award winner. He can flourish in movies and can write, direct & act in them and he’s been in so many clunkers it’s a surprise Hollywood hasn’t sent him back to Boston to flip Whoppers at Burger King. He’s beloved and hated by so many and me personally, I’ve got nothing against him but since the advent of the internet a certain motif in his method of acting and I think I’ve got it down to the following: 5% saying his lines with snark and a smile, 5% trying to be charming 20% screaming like Shia LaBeouf when he has a bad day, 30% talking with his jaw jutted down and a whopping 40% being so close to his teeth you feel he’s more likely to eat you with a side of the scenery. But despite that there is nothing like a Ben Affleck performance to make people smile. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And where do some people start their taste for Affleck? Why with his first movie that became a cult classic, I am a course talking about “Mallrats” (Show “Mallrats” opening credit and clips of “Mallrats” while “Build Me Up, Buttercup” by “The Goops” play in the background and James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): This was Kevin Smith’s second movie and to be honest it shows. The humor is honest, the dialogue is how and what people talked about at that time and it tried to recapture the energy of “Clerks” and be more of an expansion of what has been known as The “View Askewniverse”.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What’s the “View Askewniverse” you may ask? To summarize it simply it’s a universe in which writer & director Kevin Smith and his characters and in all of them Brian O’Halloran playing a character with the last name of Hicks try to live a normal life while the world around gives them unbelievable situations like rooftop hockey or knocking over a corpse at a wake or something as extreme as stopping two angels who have been here since the end of the ten plagues of Egypt getting to a rededicated church which used the Plenary Indulgence loophole to negate all existence to having the only two characters which has been in the entire “View Askewniverse” going to Hollywood to stop a movie about them getting made while hitching a ride with four gorgeous international jewel thieves. (Cut to clip of Shannon Elizabeth saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: Well allow me to give you clarity as to at least a snippet of what that universe entails. Let’s take a look at “Mallrats”. (Cut to opening of the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with scenes of the Mall while we hear Jason Lee narrate.

Brodie (Voice over): One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass! True Story! He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): He was so weird I had to legally change my name and move to California someplace small called Camden County it was there I learned about Karma.(James shakes his head and then goes back to speaking normally.) Okay I’m going to need this! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): We then meet T.S. Quint played by Jeremy London and Brandi played by Claire Forlani. T.S. has plans to take Brandi to Florida and propose marriage but her father played by “The Walking Dead” Michael Rooker has asked her to call it quits to T.S. so she can appear on her father’s cheap knock off LAME version of “The Dating Game” because the girl who died in “Clerks”, Julie Dwyer died here as well. Meanwhile Brodie played by Jason Lee and his girlfriend Rene played by Shannon Doherty calls it quits as well when Brodie decides to enjoy his Sega Hockey game over his girlfriend but to be honest if my girlfriend was Shannon Doherty I would rather play with a Sega Genesis than be anywhere near her. Not long after the two dumped schmucks get together to trade Girlfriend breaking up with them stories and decide what to do next.

Brodie: There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.

T.S.: Ritual Suicide?

Brodie: No you idiot, The Fucking Mall! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Besides it’s on my list to help a friend out after breaking up with his girlfriend. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And faster than you can say Snoogans! Brodie & T.S. are at the mall where they meet up with of course Affleck! He plays Shannon Hamilton who judging by how he dresses works at one of those high end men’s clothing shop and acts like it as he is a prick to both T.S. & Brodie! But soon enough Brodie has more important things on his mind like a piece of Metal Staging for Brandi’s dad’s game show and where do they get the information from? By Ethan Suplee whose gag in this picture is to look into a magic eye in order to see a sailboat which throughout the runtime of this picture never does but everyone else around him does.

Willam: I’ve been staring at this thing for a week now from opening till closing and I can’t see a god damn thing and I’m not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.(Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well Randy don’t stay here too long we might need you to save our backsides as you usually have done so. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that our intrepid heroes find “View Askew” mainstays Jay played by Jason Mewes & Silent Bob played by the man behind the whole “View Askewniverse” himself Kevin Smith and task the duo to take down the stage any way they can if they can get past LaFours the head of the Security in the Mall. But if it was Paul Blart you can bet your last nickel Jay & Silent Bob would’ve DEMOLISHED it with Paul’s unintentional help. (Cut to James Faraci dressed as Silent Bob, Rebecca Fonseca as Jay behind a green screened pic of a mall)

Jay (Played by Rebecca Fonseca): YO SILENT BOB HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP! THAT DUMB FUCK MALL COP IS ON OUR ASS! (Cut to see Silent Bob played by James Faraci running past Jay played by Rebecca Fonseca as Jay runs off screen and Paul Blart played by Paulo Fonseca is right behind them.)

Paul Blart (Wheezing and groaning played by Paulo Fonseca): Come back you two hoodlums! (Paul runs off screen and we hear a loud series of bangs and crashes.)

Jay (Off Screen played by Rebecca Fonseca): Dude the Fucker did our job for us! Snoochie Bootchies! (Earl Hickey played by James Faraci walks on screen)

Earl Hickey (played by James Faraci): After Jay & Bob demolished the set with Paul’s help it was smooth sailing for T.S. & Brandi (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Not really Jay & Silent Bob have to demolish it while this intelligent Nympho who is fifteen named Tricia needs Silent Bob for research on a book she’s working on. But somewhere along the lines Brodie discovers that one of his Idols Stan “The Man” Lee is at the mall for a signing but not after some good commentary about what my generation was like we discover that Brodie’s Ex is at the mall as well (Cut to see Brodie being his usual self and Rene giving him an earful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Hmm, must’ve gotten an A in the “How to chew me out after a breakup” course which was being taught by my ex-wife Joy! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Jay & Silent Bob’s first attempt to knock down the stage is thwarted when a kid slides Silent Bob straight into Joey Lauren Adams in a dressing room. But not long after that Brodie & T.S. hear that Stan “The Man” Lee is in town at the Mall for a session to be with his fans. But Brodie has more on his mind than that as he discovers that not long after being dumped, Rene hooks up with Shannon. Not long after that Jay & Silent Bob’s second attempt to take down the game show is thwarted by physics. But after that Brodie decides to go on the attack as he sneaks onto an elevator which Rene is on. The two argue a bit before the two have break up in-bed tango in the elevator. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And after seeing my friend, blood brother & compatriot doing it in a bathtub with a crazy woman last month that’s not as crazy as elevator in bed tango. Why is that? I’ll figure that out while we go to break.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Shannon find Brodie and guess what happens? Shannon drops Brodie like a bad habit. (Show clip of Shannon Hamilton beating up Brodie and getting really close to his face trying to intimidate and threatening him before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): I knew if I were to hit back it’d get me into more trouble and besides I knew the power of Karma would come and bite him hard. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that Jay & Silent Bob nix the idea of taking down the stage but T.S. takes some initiative and confront Brandi’s dad when Brodie drops by and the two are immediately taken away from the mall on Brandi’s Dad’s orders.

Brodie: RENE! GET JAY & SILENT BOB PLEASE! HURRY! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): And if you can’t get either of them see if you can get either Randy, Catalina, Joy, one of the kids or Crab man! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And you can tell it’s bad when LaFours has a bag of weed probably bought by (Show clip of LaFours smiling when a clank is heard)

Jay: COME SON OF JOR-EL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snoochie Bootchies (Laughs in a hysterical high pitch)

TLOTA (Voice over): Having been run out it looks like T.S. & Brodie are stuck hiding at a dirt mall and feeling like they’re not going to win and what is T.S. going to do? What he’s done in the majority of the movie complain and cry “Why Me?” that is until they see a topless fortune teller played by Priscilla Barnes. (Show image of “Three’s Company” with John Ritter, Joyce DeWitt & Priscilla Barnes from the Final season and James says “Yes! That Priscilla Barnes” before going back to the movie with James doing a voice over) after getting the advice he needed T.S. goes back to win Brandi’s heart, stop Brandi’s dad from getting the win and at the same time get Brodie to get his head out of his ass and see if Brodie can get Rene back and with Jay & Silent Bob two of the contestants except for the character Gill Hicks played by Brian O’Halloran. Seriously Brian O’Halloran characters in the View Askewniverse has the last name of Hicks what’s up with that? Meanwhile Brodie gets to meet Stan Lee and actually uses the characters he inspired to make Brodie realize what he needs isn’t the Comic Books and Sega, its Rene and now armed with inspiration Brodie joins T.S. in helping him win Brandi while embarrassing Shannon Hamilton as he tries to win Rene back with a video Tricia made involving research for the book. Don’t ask me how that works but it is Showtime as the show goes on and T.S. goes on the attack. (Show clip of the game going from questions being asked to T.S. & Brandi blasting each other before Brodie says what T.S. has been doing all day.)

TLOTA (Voice over): With T.S. & Brandi back together we look at Ethan trying to see the Sailboat everyone else has when the capper comes from one person.

Stan Lee: Oh a sailboat. (Willam roars before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well at least he took it better than he did when found out Santa was imaginary.(Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change and looks at the jar.)

TLOTA: Hey guys, is this the same jar as the one as I started off with? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Paulo: Actually you went past that one a few “My Name Is Earl” Jokes ago, that’s the fifth one! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: The Fifth one?! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Rebecca: Yep and Thanks to you and your jokes I can afford a wonderful Honeymoon with Nick and have enough to buy a house in an auction.

Paulo: And there’s enough here for a donation to “The Joyful Heart Foundation” (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Oh…Well I hope Jason Lee will make an equal donation. (Cut to the movie and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): Speaking of Jason Lee’s character. He calls out Rene to let her know he still loves her and Shannon looks to put him into a hole in the ground when…(Show clip of Silent Bob trying to use the force to grab the tape and Willam crying when is he going to see the sailboat and the video gets to Silent Bob’s hand and the video is shown of Shannon and Tricia doing the In-Bed Tango cut to a clip of the eleventh doctor going “YOWZA” before cutting back to the movie)

Jay: Goddamn this is one WACKY game show. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: You ain’t whistling “Dixie” on that one. (Cut to the ending of the movie as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So with Shannon being dragged away by the cops for raping a minor and trust me if Sgt. Benson and the crew from the SVU were around they would’ve crucified the guy. (Cut to ending showing what had happened to everyone in the movie before using that same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Jason Lee and Paulo Fonseca donated $4,000.00 to “The Joyful Heart Foundation.”, “Rebecca got that nice house.”, “Rowdy decided to eventually watch “CLERKS: The Animated series” and found material for a great review” with Rowdy looking at the Camera and saying Thanks, “James found the movie an amazing representation of what the early 1990’s were like.” Then clips from “Mallrats” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “James is dead serious about this.” “Were it not for this and Clerks James may have been blissfully ignorant of Independent movies and Kevin Smith and of course Ben Affleck” “If you’re a part of James’ generation you’ll get nostalgic and remember what it was like for you and hopefully make sense of where you once were” before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and our trip through Affleck has just begun. What’s next? (James looks at clipboard, puts it down and bangs his head on the table and precedes to cry.)