(Scene begins with
Julia Alexa Miller as she works on rearranging the stuff James had packed away)
Julia Alexa Miller:
What possessed you to pack everything I had up?
TLOTA (Offscreen):
Alex, I thought you were gone for good and I was into making some changes both
personally and professionally. (Cut to James as enters Julia Alexa Miller’s
Office as he shows his clean-shaven face to Julia Alexa Miller)
TLOTA:
Speaking of changes, What do ya think? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
You look great! (Cut to James as a voice screams “ALEX, ARE YOU HERE?”)
TLOTA:
We’re up here! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he walks up and shoves James away)
Chad Narducci:
Oh thank god you’re here and packing up! That’s awesome! Well, thank you James
for making sure Alex is okay and this is awesome, you’re packing up and getting
ready to go. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she is putting everything back)
Julia Alexa Miller:
I was remodeling the office so I can return. (Cut to James as he walks back to
Chad)
Chad Narducci:
Okay Faraci, Whatever you did to her, I am telling you to reverse it.
TLOTA:
I didn’t do a damn thing. Look, it’s obvious we all need to walk down to the
last office in the hall!
Chad Narducci:
Why? Are we going to go at it like animals?
TLOTA:
No, he’s a therapist that I legally sublet an office so he can help out the
rest of the team when they can come back safely and can help with us when we
have Psychological problems and we’ll meet him AFTER the intro!
(Scene cuts away to a
laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening
theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed
figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be
James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the
left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame
moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines
appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick
Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the
characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera,
five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal
themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and
Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their
names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written
and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath
Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and
at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The”
“Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to
come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is
flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The
Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the
other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the
markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to an office door with the
words “Dr. Denny Psychiatric Professional”. Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller
and Chad Narducci)
Chad Narducci:
So now what do we do?
TLOTA:
I come here weekly since re-opening the studio. It’s been a good thing for me
to do so! Be aware though, he’s a little peculiar! I think it’d be best for me
to kind of be the one to get you acclimated to his style of therapy and some of
the people he has to deal with. (James opens the door)
TLOTA (Sounding like
Tommy Wiseau):
I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit! I did not hit her, I did
naught! Oh, Hai Doc! (Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny (Played by Eric
Kurtzke):
Oh, hello James and just in time for another group therapy session and I see
you brought guests. (Cut to a very surprised Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci
with their jaws agape as James walks towards them)
TLOTA:
What?
Julia Alexa Miller:
You have actually to say that?
TLOTA:
Every single time and Alex has to gender flip it!
Chad Narducci:
Seriously?
TLOTA:
Yep! (Chad and Julia Alexa Miller sigh in defeat as they say the line as James
says it in the Tommy Wiseau accent. Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Welcome to our Room Therapy session. Meet Claudette! (Cut to Claudette as she
is drinking alcohol like a fish!)
Claudette (Played by
Renee Miller):
Hello! (Claudette continues to drink as the camera turns to Johnny as he tries
to shave his beard with a bowie knife)
Dr. Denny (Audio
only)
And that’s Johnny (Johnny played by John Ross Santos grumbles as he says hello,
The Camera turns to Peter played by Nick Yaun) And, over here is Peter! (Peter
chuckles insanely. The Camera turns to Lisa played by Rebecca Yaun.) And, here
is Lisa!
Lisa:
HI-YEEE! (Lisa licks a picture of Tommy Wiseau) He’s so dreamy, I can’t wait to
shove a chainsaw up his rectum! (Cut to James, Julia, Chad as they look
somewhat visibly shaken, and Dr. Denny as calm as the wind)
Dr. Denny:
And finally, two new participants Tim Stereos and George Wiseman! (Cut to a
very heavily disguised Tommy Wiseau as George Wiseman and an equally disguised
Greg Sestero as Tim Stereos)
George Wiseman:
Hello, How are you?
Tim Stereos:
Welcome to The Room Group Therapy. (Cut to James, Julia, and Chad)
Chad Narducci:
These people need to be in straight jackets!
TLOTA:
Dude, disrespectful! (Dr. Denny pops in)
Dr. Denny:
OH! Tensions between some of our participants! Let’s work them out! (Cut to
James as he takes his seat, Julia Alexa Miller wants to sit between James and
Chad when Chad picks her up and over one seat so James and Chad have to sit
together.)
Chad Narducci:
Okay, the main source of my problems, is this guy to my right! “James Faraci
The Last Of The Americans”! Ever since 2016 he’s been a thorn in my side. Alex
and I decided to work on a show which was just a fun project called “Life As A
Mermaid” then we decided to make a second season and this is where this son of
a bitch comes in, we had a crowdfunding event, James decided to donate money.
Had anyone with common sense would’ve done he would’ve left well enough alone.
But no, he had to promote the series, he had to tweet about it,
post it on Facebook pages! This guy has no self-control. Then season 3 happened,
we decided to do a Patreon, while he doesn’t add anything financially, he says
to himself (Making James sound like a moron): “DUH, IAMAMORON! I GONNA TRY AND
POMOT A PECIL FOR A YOUTUBE SHOW IHAF NO PAT IN, IN A REVIEW OF ANOTA SUBJET! I
GOT NO SEF-CONTOL, UH! I EATS THE SILLYPAINT!” (Sounding like himself): You
didn’t offer any money, but guess what, you made it a point to invite us to
some party for his friends to what end in hopes none of them do a review of the
show Me and Alex made! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Then comes our final season! He somehow
gets financially enough to add to our budget ONE DOLLAR! ONE LOUSY DOLLAR!
(Chad turns to James who is getting angry) YOU ARE A PATHETIC LITTLE WORM! AND
AGAIN HE PROMOTES THE SERIES! BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT! AFTER HIS
POINTLESS LITTLE FIFTH ANNIVERSARY REVIEW, ALEX COMES BACK TOTALLY UNLIKE THE
WAY SHE LEFT THE ONLY TRUE STATE IN THE COUNTRY, CALIFORNIA TO THIS TOILET
STATE CALLED “NEW YORK” IN THE HOPES TO GET DIFFERENT EXTERIOR SHOTS FOR THE
SHOW. This was also the time when Alex finds her new nitch doing photography but
Alex comes back and all of a sudden she sneezes and a wave goes the opposite
way, she can do things that I would describe as freakish! And I know that James
just put his…(Chad grabs James’ hand) HIS DISGUSTINGLY FREAKISH AND UGLY HANDS
INVOLVED! (Chad let James’ hand go and spits on him!) Then just as things kind
of get back to normal here comes this studio! James asks Alex to move out to
this little Podunk pissant county in this flaming toilet bowl just so she can
do her photo tutorials, then James asked her a question which I have no idea it
is until he can get his friends, the people I used to work with and then there
the idiots he considers his peers in his profession to tell us! Then comes this
pandemic which I figure would work perfectly in untangling the web of stupidity
this idiot has around him. But all of a sudden Alex hears about a review on the
show, he had little to no involvement in because a fan asked him to do so, and
uh-oh! (Cut to Chad as his fist clocks James, who is getting angrier by the
moment, in the forehead as he speaks) MR! NO! BRAIN! ACTIVITY! DECIDES! TO! DO!
A! REVIEW! OF! A! SHOW! THAT! HE! HAD! NO! IN-VOLVE-MENT! IN! WITHOUT!
CLEARING! IT! WITH! ME! (Chad stops punching James in the forehead to once
again address the group) And it’s this reason that this freak, like you
miserable incels, is the bane of my existence! That and he’s a Republican,
therefore he is a gun-toting, neo-nazi, Bible Thumping, Trump-supporting,
satanic pile of excrement who deserves to be made into the biggest joke on the
face of the planet! (Chad sits down and flips James the bird! Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Well, James, you’ve been extremely patient having your character assassinated
by someone with the ego of Lisa but the courage of Denny! So guess what,
everyone, please let us shame this disgustingly egotistical douchebag! (Cut to
Chad as he turns to James)
Chad Narducci:
Did you hear, they’re gonna shame you! This is gonna suck for you! (Cut to Dr.
Denny)
Dr. Denny:
No, Chad, please stand up again! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he stands up in
protest)
Chad Narducci:
Excuse me? James is the freak! (Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
And do you know what you are? (Cut to the group as they face Chad)
The Group (In
Unison):
Chicken, Chad! You’re just a little chicken! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!
Cheeeeeeeep! (Cut to Chad)
Chad Narducci:
Please take this as an offensive assault on your character and your standings
in psychiatry Dr. Denny. Does your therapy education come from that awful Tommy
Wiseau movie “The Room”? (Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Why yes, it is and your offense is ignored as “The Room” was a psychological
study into the psyche of Johnny’s brain as all he sees is betrayal, disgust,
and hatred even by those closest to him! Even his future wife seems disgusted
by how Johnny is to the point where Lisa becomes so toxic, she drives poor
Johnny to suicide. Even after his demise, Lisa revels in her disgusted handy
work! Any comedic moments were incidental, for instance, group, what is the one
question we do not ask? (Cut to the group as they say “Anyway, How is your sex
life?”. Cut to Chad Narducci and Julia Alexa Miller both take a swig of their
drinks as Julia Alexa Miller spit takes out to the group and Chad Spits on
James’ crotch which leads James to scream so loudly, cut to a forest as James’
echoing scream causes an avalanche! Cut to James as he has a pained look on his
face!)
Dr. Denny (Audio
only):
My god, James, What happened?
TLOTA:
This (Extended Expletive deleted bleep) just spat scalding hot tea onto my
balls which is recovering from being waxed! (Cut to every guy in the group save
for Chad crossing their legs! Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Chad, I noticed that you did not cross your legs as did the rest of us guys who
could. You are glad of what you did? You are as toxic as Lisa! (Cut to Chad
Narducci)
Chad Narducci:
WHAT IS EVERYONE ON? DUMB PILLS?! JAMES ISN’T THE JOHNNY OR MARK OR ANYONE LIKE
THAT HE’S A PATHETIC LOSER LIKE ALL OF YOU WHO WATCH AND ARE “TRAUMATIZED” BY A
STUPID MOVIE! (Cut to Claudette)
Claudette:
You’re an idiot! Seeing naval banging and Tommy’s naked ass UGH! (Claudette
drinks another bottle. Cut to Johnny)
Johnny:
And what about that moment in which they’re in Tuxes playing Football? That’s
not bound to cause traumatic pain? (Cut to Peter as he chuckles and shouts
SPOONS! Cut to Lisa)
Lisa:
Then there was the Spiral Staircase sex! That was something I’d like to try and
I would do it after eating Tommy’s Penis! (Cut to a visually disturbed Chad
Narducci)
Chad Narducci:
I take my rant about you sick bastards back! (Chad sits back down Cut to James
sitting on one end, Chad in the middle and Julia Alexa Miller at the other end)
Julia Alexa Miller:
But I’m sure that production wasn’t as crazy as the movie itself, Right? (James
smiles nervously with an eyebrow raised) RIGHT, JAMES? (James chuckles
nervously as it cuts to the Title card of “The Disaster Artist” before cutting
to James sitting there with a defeated sigh on his face, Julia Alexa Miller
putting a trashcan over her as Chad cries as he has a total meltdown cursing
James out in the process. Cut to clips of The Disaster Artist as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes folks, the legend exists! “The Disaster Artist,” tells the tale of the
behind-the-scenes chaos that came from the making of the Iconically horrendous
movie “The Room” and how it affected the relationship of two semi-unknowns named
Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero. But is the movie as accurate as a Hollywood
Bio-pic? Does this tell the insanity of the behind-the-scenes of “The Room” accurately?
(Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)
TLOTA:
Short Answer, no! Long answer, You should check out the book in which the movie
is based on “The Disaster Artist My Life inside “THE ROOM” The Greatest Bad
Movie Ever Made” as written by Sestero to hear the behind-the-scenes stories
from making the movie for more in-depth info on this trainwreck from hell, but
for now, let’s check out the movie the book is based on this is “The Disaster
Artist”! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with testimonials of Kirsten Bell, Adam Scott, Ike Barenholtz, Keegan
Michael-Key, Lizzy Caplan, Danny McBride, Kevin Smith, and surprisingly J.J.
Abrams about their experience with watching “The Room” and their thoughts about
the reputation of the movie. (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)
TLOTA:
Ask some of the people in my profession and they’ll have some interesting
thoughts on the movie. (Cut to the actual testimonials of Internet Reviewers
who saw “The Room”. Cut to “The Disaster
Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon find ourselves in the year 1998 as we’re introduced to an insecure actor
named Greg Sestero played by Dave Franco as he flounders in an acting class ran
by Jean Shelton played by of all people Melanie Griffith! But as Greg walks
back to his seat in shame, he meets the one and only Tommy Wiseau played by
Dave’s big brother James Franco as we see well… (Show clip of Tommy Wiseau
doing a bizarre rendition of Stanley Kowalski from “A Streetcar Named Desire”.
Cut to Peter as he chuckles then babbles like a brook incoherently. Cut to
James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Was that Tommy Wiseau doing the whole “Stella” bit from “A Streetcar Named Desire”?
TLOTA:
Yep. (James pulls out a case of Liquid I.Q. for everyone as it cuts to “The
Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that Greg and Tommy quickly become friends, impressed by his fearless
(snickers) acting Greg wants to learn more about Wiseau as he claims he’s from
New Orleans has apartments in San Francisco and Los Angeles, how can he afford
it? Do we get more information on Who Tommy is? You guessed it, NEVER
EXPLAINED! After hanging around with one another for a while, and watching
James Dean’s “Rebel Without a Cause” and other classics, Greg and Tommy decide
to hit the pavement looking for Hollywood Fame and Fortune in acting. (Cut to
James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Them and anyone desperate to make it in entertainment. (Cut to “The Disaster
Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Greg signs with Iris Burton played by Sharon Stone and is getting guest
spots in movies like Gattaca, Patch Adams, Retro Puppet Master, & EDtv.
Tommy is not having as much luck as I wish I was kidding his Acting coach, played
by Bob Odenkirk suggests he go for roles in movies remakes of “Dracula” or “Frankenstein”
(Cut to Claudette as she hears that and grabs two bottles and starts to drink
them at the same time. Cut Back to “The Disaster Artist” as James continues to
do a voiceover.) As Tommy and Greg celebrate Tommy decides to hit the Dance
floor. (Show Tommy Wiseau as he dances to “The Rhythm of the Night” by Corona.
Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they tilt their heads as it cuts
back to Tommy Dancing and the letters “WTF” cover the scene. Cut to George
Wiseman as he chuckles and Tim just sitting there)
George Wiseman:
That Tommy is a great dancer, among his other abilities, Yes?
Tim Stereos:
Yeah, sure To-Uh George! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)
TLOTA:
What did you call him? (Cut to George and Tim)
George Wiseman:
George! My name is George!
Tim Stereos:
Yeah, Didn’t nearly call him Tommy! That’s for sure because Tommy Wiseau is not
here, AT ALL! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they say “Right”
in unison. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However the good times don’t last as acting gigs for Greg dry up and Tommy
being Tommy well, Yeah, there was NOTHING for him even after accosting Judd
Apatow in the middle of dinner. One day Tommy stands on top of his Hollywood
place as he contemplates his future. Then and there with Greg’s encouragement,
the two decide to stick together as Tommy begins to write his (Snickers) Opus
“The Room”! (Cut to a clip of Tommy as he goes over the plot of “The Room” even
going over the fact Johnny is a vampire. Cut to George and Tim as they grumble
over something. Cut to Johnny)
Johnny:
Either spit it out or go out to the men’s room to cornhole each other! (Cut to
George and Tim)
Tim Stereos:
Uh actually, I don’t know if we should say this but me and George we worked on
“The Room”
George Wiseman:
Yeah, we survived all the crew changes. We were there when Tommy said, “Maybe
Johnny has a flying car because he’s a vampire” as a joke, nothing serious! (Cut
to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they say “Sure” in unison. Cut to
“The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Greg looks over the script for what feels like hours is on board and Tommy having
somehow put together the financing. Tommy decides to film in both HD & 35
MM! Any other filmmaker worth their weight in salt would go with a straight HD rental
but nope, Tommy Wiseau decides that he’s gonna film in both 35MM & HD and
he was going to buy the cameras from the studio. The studio he’s going to buy
the cameras from thinks he’s completely cuckoo but decides that if he was going
to take the cameras, they’d allow Tommy to film “The Room” right in that
studio! After a regular Tommy Wiseau casting call, the cast is set, the sets
and rigs for the cameras are set as Tommy sets out on his (Snickering as he
talks) quest to make the greatest movie ever. (Cut to James as he bursts out
into laughter onto the floor as it cuts to George and Tim)
Tim Stereos:
Wow, you lasted longer than most people who’ve critiqued “The Room”. (Cut to Julia
Alexa Miller as she stands up.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Well from what I remember from some of the other reviewers who tried to review
“The Room” Tommy Wiseau threatened to sue them, even though the reviewers were
in the right to review Tommy Wiseau’s “Movie” and how in the hell can you two
defend Wiseau. (Cut to George and Tim)
George Wiseman:
We worked on the movie, we survived because we shut up and listened to Tommy
Wiseau! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
OH, REALLY! (Julia Alexa Miller looks with intensity at the duo, keeps his eyes
on them as he writes “George” & “Tim”’s initials and inverting them. Cut to
a hallway as we see “George” taking off his costume and make-up appliances revealing
himself to be Tommy Wiseau and “Tim” doing the same revealing himself to be
Greg Sestero)
Greg Sestero:
Great Tommy! You had to say more than you should’ve! And of course, the one therapy
group that we thought we could hide in and not be recognized, boom! We’re
recognized as that guy in the shirt with that Star and Stripes whose Girlfriend
figured out it was us and now we’re being lynched!
TLOTA (Audio only):
They went this way!
Tommy Wiseau:
I’ll blame you later! Right now we shut up and run!
(Tommy and Greg run
out of frame screaming for their lives as James shouts and runs after them,
followed by Julia Alexa Miller as she zooms by, Chad Narducci running by,
followed by Dr. Denny, and the others with Claudette taking a drink then
shattering the bottle and screaming as the scene fades to black, it then cuts
to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully
morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as
the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The
Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it
shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other
half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings
“The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While the filming goes, for the most part, smoothly, Tommy’s inexperience makes
the shoot quickly erode, and not helping is when Tommy gets himself ready for his first day of filming
as an actor, and well the results are… See for yourself! (Cut to the attempted
filming of the “I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not hit
her, I did not! Oh, Hai Mark!” scene! Cut to Tommy Wiseau as he is strapped to
the wall and Greg Sestero is duct-taped to a pole.)
Tommy Wiseau:
That is lie, It did not take 95 or however takes the movie said it did, it took
three maybe five takes also I had a script on me so I could do the “Bullshit
line!
Greg Sestero:
Tommy, I was there, I had to carry your ass through Thirty Two takes!
THIRTY-TWO! (The two argue as it cuts to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller as
Julia Alexa Miller stands up and confronts Greg and Tommy)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Listen, you need to stop arguing while James is trying to do his work, so now
would be a good time to (Shouting which causes a minor tremor in the building):
SHUT UP! (Cut to everyone shaking. Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Excuse me, Julia? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she returns to her seat)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Call me Alex! (Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Okay then Alex, it appears you have quite an aggressive streak, one that
rattled this building, are you like Chris-R where you cannot wait five minutes?
(Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Chad Narducci, and James Faraci)
Julia Alexa Miller:
I have patience, I also allow myself to have a healthy amount of anger. (Cut to
Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Well, do you direct it towards James or Chad? (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia
Alexa Miller.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
When I am in the right to do so. One time, James took me on a trip to Aragrabah
in his Space-Time Device, and the next thing I know we’re doing a Disney’s “Aladdin”
adventure! (Chad sits there with a surprised look on his face!) Before then,
Chad was giving me Tsouris over what happened right as I left James’ old
studio, A couple of hundred volts of electricity and you’ll learn not to piss
me off! (Cut to still images of everyone with a look of either shock or fear except
for Lisa who might be happy to piss Alex off! Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After what probably felt like a year in hell or the only other way I can
compare it to is being made to work for a day with Wiseau, Sandy Schklair
played by Seth Rogen decides to cash a check and if the money isn’t there, he’d
probably be the first one to tell everyone to bail, when to his shock and
surprise, The money is legit! So much so that, I kid you not, the budget for
“The Room”, again no joke is… (Cut to James as the music for Dr. Evil from the
Austin Powers movie at the 1:15 mark plays as camera zooms to his face as he points
his right pinky to his left dimple)
TLOTA:
Six Million Dollars! (The same mark plays as it cuts to everyone else except
James, Tommy & Greg as their jaws collectively hit the ground. Cut to
James) Yeah, I was shocked at this as well! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While production drags to a crawling pace equal to the final season of “Mako
Mermaids” and no basic services like comfortable days on the set, no water,
craft services, or Air conditioning eventually leading to the actress who plays
Lisa’s mom collapsing however Tommy feels like everyone including for Greg no reason
outside of Tommy being suspicious of everyone’s support during the making of the
movie especially since he has been recording all their honest criticisms and
Tommy doesn’t like criticisms against him. I wonder who he reminds me of and
when it comes to the infamous Naval Banging scene, tensions have reached an
all-time high. During a break from filming Greg and his girlfriend played by
Dave Franco’s wife Allison Brie meet up with of all people, Bryan Cranston
while working on an episode of “Malcolm In The Middle” because Greg with his
beard looks like a lumberjack! And this gives me and everyone here carte
blanche to do this. (The Lumberjack song plays as Greg sings the song as James and
the others dressed up like mounties and do the refrain and as the song ends Lisa
says “And I thought you were so rugged!” then proceeds to try and eat Greg as
everyone jumps Lisa to stop her. Cut back to the movie as James continues his
voiceover.) Greg asks to withhold from shooting to be in “Malcolm In The
Middle” but Tommy somehow forces Greg to shave his beard, Sacrificing a chance
to be in a popular show and hopefully get away from Tommy. Finally, after one
too many days of arguments and Tommy being an asshole, Greg while filming in
San Francisco, walks off citing Tommy’s lying, selfish and duplicitous actions,
and the movie is wrapped! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they
sit in their chairs.)
TLOTA:
Which by any ordinary standards means that the movie would never see the light
of day! (James holds in his snickering for five seconds before erupting in
laughter for five seconds then regains his composure.) But for this crazy ass
story, we’re nowhere near the finish line! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to June of 2003, Greg has all but forgotten the horrors of working with
Tommy Wiseau, he and his girlfriend have called it quits, and is now a working
theater actor in L.A. One day while coming home from a performance Greg sees
the infamous billboard promoting “THE ROOM”! He then comes home to see an
invite to the premiere for the movie which thankfully with sanity reigning decides
not to go, that is UNTIL… SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Tommy’s back and forces
him to come to the premiere in a limo filled to the brim with merchandising
from “The Room” as Tommy and Greg drive past the premiere as Sandy says the
most apropos statement about Tommy Wiseau! (Show the clip in which Sandy says
it would be weird if Tommy did something normal! Cut to James)
TLOTA:
YOU AIN’T WHISTLING DIXIE ON THAT ONE BROTHER! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The premiere happens and as people are laughing Tommy feels sad that no one is
getting the movie but Greg is showing how this lemon is becoming lemonade!
Tommy eventually relents to calling “The Room” a tongue-in-cheek parody of romantic
dramas!
Julia Alexa Miller
(Audio only):
WHAT?! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she gets up and hoists Tommy Wiseau over
her head and Tommy is screaming for help and his mommy. (Cut to Chad Narducci
and James)
TLOTA:
Okay, quick note, when Alex gets that angry… (A loud slam is heard and Tommy’s
scream of pain shakes the footage) Thanks to the fact my current girlfriend read
a magical letter from an ex-girlfriend of mine…(A loud slam is heard and
Tommy’s scream of pain shakes the footage) She has the abilities of Supergirl,
Wonder Woman, Carol Danvers’ Captain Marvel… (Strobing lights simulate
Electricity as Tommy Wiseau screams in pain)… Storm and of course (James plugs
his ears) Black Canary! (A scream is heard that shakes the footage as it cuts
to the door and a thoroughly destroyed Tommy Wiseau with his hair now white and
standing straight up on end. Cut to Greg who is now seeing Tommy Wiseau)
Greg Sestero:
JESUS CHRIST! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? (Cut to the thoroughly destroyed Tommy Wiseau)
Tommy Wiseau (High
pitched):
Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that
Mary went the lamb was sure to go! (Tommy collapses as it cuts to “The Disaster
Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And as the ending plays letting us know that the movie is now a cult classic
and in one scene we see Greg Sestero as he stands in silent misery knowing he’s
sacrificed his entire career, knowing he’s stuck with this weirdo from
“Chalmette, Louisiana”, we’re given actual
scenes from “The Room” playing in synch with scenes recreated for “The Disaster
Artist” AND IF THIS MOVIE HASN’T ENDED ON THE WEIRDEST NOTE EVER! THERE IS A
POST CREDIT SCENE IN WHICH TOMMY WISEAU MEETS WITH THE REAL TOMMY WISEAU
CREDITED AS HENRI FROM CHALMETTE LOUISIANA! LET’S GO! (Show clip of Tommy
Wiseau and Henri from Chalmette with Tommy saying to end this crazy fest “My
god... Who are these friends Greg has?” as the Looney Tunes orange circles and
ending theme plays it cuts to the recreation and the original scene of Tommy
Wiseau shouting “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!” in the center of the Looney
Tunes orange circles then cutting to Nicolas Cage in the center of the circles
shrugging comically with the words “THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” pasted over it! Cut to
James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)
TLOTA:
So that was “The Disaster Artist” and Chad I think you have something to say?
Chad Narducci:
Why yes, I do! (Chad stands up and then proceeds to do the Woody Woodpecker
laugh! Cut to clips of “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
IF THIS WAS WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEHIND THE SCENES OF “The Room”? THEN IT DOESN’T
SURPRISE ME THE MOVIE IS BONKERS FOR BANANA BALLS! “The Disaster Artist” with
exception of minor inaccuracies the movie tells the stories that went on behind
the scenes of “The Room” with a certain amount of accuracy. The acting is superb,
the pacing of the movie is done well throughout the production, seeing what it
was like on a movie set and if the people formerly associated with a certain
site that's run by a feggulah and his group of Meshuggina schmucks decides to
sell the rights to their collective stories to make a movie of their own then
guess what I am all for it if you want to check out all of the behind the
scenes madness of the room or you're just looking for a movie to prepare
yourself for what not to do in making a movie or if you are devoted to Tommy Wiseau
and his insanity then, by all means, check this movie out I highly recommend it.
(Cut to Tommy Wiseau)
Tommy Wiseau:
But what about “The Room”, do you like it? You do or you would not be a fan. (Cut
to James as he sits in his seat)
TLOTA:
Well, the first time I saw “The Room” was to prepare myself for my brother's
wedding, I could not believe what I saw. Yeah, it was perfect MST3K material I
made more jokes about it than probably most people in my profession. I made an
entire review in which Tom Hardy's characters from his past movies we're doing “The
Room” for my review of “Venom”. (Cut to Dr. Denny)
Dr. Denny:
Reviews? What exactly is your profession James? (cut to Chad Narducci sitting
next to James.)
Chad Narducci:
This piece of cock garbage? He's an Internet reviewer! (James turns to Chad. Cut
to James running for his life with Alex following him and Chad as well. Cut to
an angry mob as they try to Lynch James, Alex, and Chad. Cut to Claudette as
she drinks from her bottle and smashes it screaming as she runs out of frame. Cut
to Tommy Wiseau as he still has his chains around his wrists.)
Tommy Wiseau:
Come Greg he is getting away! We will tear him apart the bastard!
Greg Sestero (Audio
only):
You go ahead I'll be right there! (Tommy screams and flails his chains every which
way as he runs out of frame show Greg Sestero as he is hopping along still tied
to the pole. Fade to black, end of review)
