The Top Ten Gizmoplex Era Episodes of MST3K (so far)

 (Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand tapping an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and Doug Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Doug Yaun, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. In 1999, many people thought that once the MST3K episode "Diabolik" aired, that was the end of the line for the crew aboard the Sattelite of Love! (Cut to clips of MST3K "Diabolik" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): And to be perfectly honest, it ended on the right notes. Mike was going home after Pearl Forrester had done everything she could to torment them. He took Tom and Crow to his little neck of the woods and did what they were doing while on the Sattelite but now in their own home. While GYPC decided to make a few bucks on the Internet Boom then. (Cut to the current era of MST3K as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): Cut to 2010, Joel Hodgson had just reacquired the rights to MST3K ownership and decided to bring the show back. Working with "Shout Factory," who had kept the MST3K brand alive since obtaining the rights to distribute the episodes they could legally share on the home market and the burgeoning streaming service market began plans to revive the brand and by 2015 had successfully crowdfunded the series for a new season, found a new home with Netflix and had gotten a new line up in the cast including Jonah Ray to play Jonah Heston, Hampton Yount to be the third performer for Crow T. Robot, Baron Vaughn to be Tom Servo's third performer, Patton Oswald as TV's Max, son of TV's Frank and Felicia Day as Kinga Forrester along with returning bit player Mary Jo Pehl to stop by as Pearl Forrester and by 2017 The Sattelite Of Love had returned as Netflix aired the new MST3K series and I loved it. There was a mix of the old style of how to riff a movie and a newer style that allowed more funny moments in the host segments and on the riffs. But by 2019, after two successful seasons, Netflix gave the series the ax. However, Joel was unwilling to let go; he went back to crowdfunding and successfully created his own streaming service, "The Gizmoplex," to help Joel fund the following season after getting the ax from Netflix. This new season would bring Jonah back as well as bring in occasional road tour hostess Emily Marsh as Emily Connor, and Joel Hodgson came back for two whole episodes as Joel Robinson and a co-host of the final episode (For now) as the latest crowdfunding failed to meet its goal. And with the future of the series now in question, again, we can be sure of one thing: no one will be forgetting MST3K anytime soon, and with The Gizmoplex still running, we've got enough MST3K for a hundred dozen Turkey Day Marathons. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And for me, another Top Ten MST3K list, just in time for Thanksgiving. (Cut to the current MST3K episodes and classic episodes as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.) For this list, I am splitting it up into the following: Most will go to Jonah, as he has been doing the most; three of the episodes will go to Emily; the seven, five spots and She will be a part of the number one spot; and two classics that I discovered because of streaming and the Gizmoplex. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: With that little bit out of the way, let's get into the top ten Gizmoplex Era episodes of MST3K (so far). (Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, and a camera looks around, James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting, and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where the camera symbolizes. James looks in before closing the door, and the words "Top 10 episodes of The Gizmoplex Era of Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown. James closes the door, revealing the Number.) TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

(Cut to the MST3K "MUNCHIE" episode as James does a voiceover.)

10) "MUNCHIE"

TLOTA (V.O.): WHOLLY HELL! What did I just see?! When the Gizmoplex crew first saw the abomination known as "Munchie," the only other thing I could compare it to was some of the worst in the MST3K's past like "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders," "Monster A Go-Go," and "The Castle Of Fu Manchu!" I'm not even joking; this was undoubtedly one of the more painful experiences of an episode. The jokes were fantastic when they made fun of the movie. But when you first see Munchie, remember when Steve Kidd and Uncle Roger had seen Alton Brown's "Sister" Marsha for the first time? That was similar to the events when Jonah and the bots saw Munchie. The reaction was not that different, resembling what had happened here. In fact, Kinga Forrester actress Felicia Day saw the movie, and the first time she saw the unholy entity that was Munchie, she was freaked out. If it was scary enough to scare the crap out of Felicia Day, it must have been therapeutic when for her as Kinga Forester to force Jonah and the Bots to watch the movie. If I had to force myself to continue, I would need a lot of psychiatric assistance. "Munchie," thank your lucky stars that I made my Top Ten Worst movies on MST3K at the start of this neverending winter in 2020!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looks in, uses a Bulb Baster, and closes the door, revealing the Number.) TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

(Cut to the MST3K "Gamera vs Jiger" episode as James does a voiceover.)

9) Gamera vs Jiger

TLOTA (V.O.):
Gamera and MST3K go well together, like Chinese food and Jasmine Tea. This time, Jonah must take on the mega turtle that haunted Joel throughout his run. The jokes about the Expo flow plenty in this one. The riffs make the movie more enjoyable, and it was worth the wait for many MST3K fans to see Jiger get its darts attacking him. We also have these two English-speaking kids who must be translated into English! Gamera looks like he's seen better days. In addition, there are so many jokes about how inept most of the people are in this movie, making it even easier for riffing. Then we come to the end of the episode as Crow, Servo, Jonah, and GYPC doing an Irish/Boston wake for Jiger after watching this movie for what felt like a lifetime. Remember that an average MST3K episode is ninety minutes without the commercials. So, for this Gamera movie, being that long is a surprise. What else can be said except? (Singing): The movie was not crazy wrong, nothing left but to sing the song. Sing the song of Gam-er-a!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Renee putting a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8

(Cut to the MST3K "Mac and Me" episode as James does a voiceover.)

8) "Mac and Me"

TLOTA (V.O.):
Technically, this and the one at the number three spot are available on Netflix, but they're also on The Gizmoplex for a couple of bucks. Still, they're worthy of being on the list. This dollar store knock-off of ET, which had the most blatant McDonald's advertising subtlety, remains fodder for Paul Rudd fans; look it up for more context, but the fact they go hog wild with the McDonald's references at the right time makes a lot of the jokes about this movie feel so good, plus this started out the thirtieth anniversary for the series in a binge challenge called "The Gauntlet."  And if this was how "The Gauntlet" started off, by the end, you'd feel like Rocky Balboa after going toe to toe with Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gunn, and Mason Dixon in a marathon Boxing fight. Talking from experience on this one. "Mac & Me," What was the connection to Paul Rudd? 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Brenda Fonseca putting their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.)  

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 7

(Cut to the "The Batwoman" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

7)  "The Batwoman"

TLOTA (V.O.):
This was Mexico's answer to the campy 1960s Batman movie, and the plot is paper thin. A Crime-fighting female luchador has to stop a crazed scientist from making gill men from spinal fluids from other luchadors. The jokes and riffs lend themselves to the obvious about the character of The Batwoman. Especially when Crow and Tom Servo play up certain things, including... (Show the clip of Emily in her dress as the saxophone from "Careless Whisper" plays. Cut to James physically; he looks adoring at Emily, and his right-hand slaps the taste out of his mouth.)

TLOTA:
I have been training myself to remind myself of one undeniable truth. I will not get the girl, and all my dating apps have clarified that I have no chance. (James' smile quickly turns to a sad look of reality hitting him like nobody's business. Cut to the "The Batwoman" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Uh, Yeah. This is Emily's third episode; by this time, she has found her own way of doing the episodes. While she has had the fewest episodes of all the hosts, it was here that fans took a liking to her, and after this episode, it's apparent that she could eventually be worthy of being on the same level as Joel or Mike. If you want to see how great she is, check out this episode and the one at the number five spot.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes, and Nick Yaun puts a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 6

(Cut to the "The Dead Talk Back" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

6) The Dead Talk Back

TLOTA (V.O.):
This was Mike hitting his stride as a host of the series. After the short "The Selling Wizard," Mike and the bots face a murder mystery in which one character, Henry Krasker, is working on a device meant to contact those who have passed away and how it could help those who have been murdered. What makes this episode worth it is the characters in the movie and how Mike and the bots tear them to shreds. And I loved the character of Mattling, played by Kyle Stanton; he's one of those guys who you will see on the streets saying that his way of following God is the right way and by today's way of doing things would be going viral for his bible thumping, especially in the interrogation scene. (Show the MST3K clip of Mattling's interrogation scene from "The Dead Talk Back." Cut to the "The Dead Talk Back" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Toss in Crow's never-ending guitar solo and one of the best interactions between Frank and Dr. Forrester, in which they want to interrogate Mike and the Bots. You can tell that Trace Beaulieu was reacting honestly to Frank's confession, and I loved every second of it. The first time I enjoyed this was through streaming. Thanks to The Gizmoplex and YouTube, I can enjoy Mattling and the Murder Mystery for all it's worth and the simple acts of trying to solve a mystery about whether Krasker's device will help "The Dead Talk Back."

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Rebecca Yaun moving the Stuffing over, placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven, and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 5

(Cut to the "Doctor Mordrid" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

5) Doctor Mordrid

TLOTA (V.O.):
Emily Connor's second episode and this episode, which features a D-level knock-off of a specific Marvel character, Show how great she is and what she can do when she takes on the material head-on, not be afraid to make fun of it. I am OK with them doing that, especially when the movie takes place in Manhattan. Moreover, Jeffrey Combs's performance as the main character is a highlight of the film. The riffs are good, and they even sneak in a reference to "The Room" in the riffs. (Show clip of crow saying "Oh Hai Mark!" Cut to the "Doctor Mordrid" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Should you "Fugghetaboutit" regarding the movie and the riffs from Emily and The Bots? No, it's excellent, and you should see it, especially when you are talking about the coolness of Jeffrey Combs if he were to have put on the cape and the eye and had the name Marvel gave Benedict Cumberbatch. 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground wherein the camera symbolizes Doug Yaun moving the Croissant Rolls and placing them in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 4

(Cut to the "Rocket Attack USA" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

4) Rocket Attack USA

TLOTA (V.O.):
This Joel classic was the first time I saw an episode on a streaming service. The jokes hit perfectly, especially the Civil Defense Quiz Bowl and the McCarthy hearings on Un-American activities. But that ending was just proper for how one would feel, especially at the end of the year. I have even timed all the jokes and comments in the ending so that I feel part of the episode. What also makes this episode noteworthy is, as I mentioned in my Top Ten Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank list, this was possibly The Mads' best victory over Joel and The Bots, however people rarely talked about this episode. However, since the introduction of The Gizmoplex, this episode has got better recognition. And it doesn't even upset me at all! (Cut to the ending of the MST3K Episode as it plays out, and Frank pushes the button and shuts the screen off.)

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Andrew Beach as He places corn in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 3

(Cut to the "The Loves Of Hercules" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

3) The Loves of Hercules

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Law & Order SVU" fans take note of the credits in the movie; that's right, Mariska's parents, Mickey Hargitay and Jayne Mansfield are in this one, and the performances have all the earmarks of what a "Hercules" movie of that caliber. One of the better moments outside of the riffs in the film was the introduction of M. Waverly.  Especially when Crow and Tom Servo beat the circuits out of the poor bot! (Show clip of M. Waverly being beaten to a pulp off-screen as Crow and Servo say their humorous lines, including "C-3P OH I DON'T THINK SO BUSTER!" Cut to the ending of the movie/episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Then, everyone gets the chance to sing the operatic ending of the movie. It is a fun episode, the riffs are hilariously entertaining, the movie lends itself to the cheesiness of the time it was made, and all things considered, if you haven't seen this episode, what are you waiting for. Nothing left to do but (Singing the same note as everyone else in the clip is doing.)

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Paulo Fonseca placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door to reveal the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2

(Cut to the "The Million Eyes of Sumuru" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

2) The Million Eyes of Sumuru

TLOTA (V.O.):
Watching this gave me "Castle of Fu Manchu" vibes; of course, the same people who made "Castle Of Fu Manchu" made this, which didn't help. The plot is about two CIA agents who wind up in Hong Kong. One of them is Frankie Avalon, and they are joined by a British Intelligence agent who finds this female who has plans to, that's right, eliminate the Y Chromosome and take over the world (Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut to the "The Million Eyes of Sumuru" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, unlike Joel and the bots when they took on "Fu Manchu," Jonah and the bots could survive it by getting ahead of everything and surviving the movie with their riffing abilities and sanity intact, but barely. "The Million Eyes Of Sumuru" Your predecessor, "Castle Of Fu Manchu," nearly broke the host and the bots; you almost came close but not close enough.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Eric Kurtzke placing Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However, the weight of what's in the oven falls, causing a crater in the Kitchen; it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting, "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven is revealing the Number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

 And the number one moment on Mystery Science Theater 3000 from the Gizmoplex Era so far is... (Cut to "The Christmas Dragon" MST3K Episode as James does a voiceover.)

1) The Christmas Dragon 

TLOTA (V.O.):
As of this post, this is the final episode; for now, what a way to go out. Not only did the three hosts riff on this "Lord Of The Rings-"esque Christmas movie, This was so awesome, as not only did Jonah, Emily, and the recently recaptured Joel Robinson, played by Joel Hodgson, share the hosting/riffing duties, but they also had the three of them team up at the end act but the three actually make good on their subtly hidden plan of escaping Kinga and The Gizmoplex. As for Kinga, she's left with a destroyed Gizmoplex and no one to force bad movies on except the bots. The film has that 2000 cheesy and outdated CGI that could've been in the "Lord Of The Rings" movie trilogy, but Peter Jackson nixed it, thankfully. But whatever this movie was, it might be better than that live-action "How To Train Your Dragon" movie when it comes out. I was also glad to see Joel and the new generation work well together. I wish Mike was there, but I understand why he isn't involved. One day, we'll see the ultimate riffing team up, but for now, I am glad to say that I have one Christmas wish for Joel to return and for him to work with his successors. Until more episodes come out, "The Christmas Dragon" is the number-one episode of the Gizmoplex era for now. ( Show ending of "The Christmas Dragon" MST3K episode. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any other of the few episodes left from the current series that you liked? Then, let me know in the comment section below. As for the future of the Gizmoplex and MST3K, I'm hoping for more episodes, and before I forget, I want to say Happy 35th Anniversary to MST3K! (The MST3K Turkey Day Hymn) Now it's Turkey Day Marathon time.  Next month, we will go through another Christmas Gift Guide/ Top Five Best of this year and the top ten best/well-known behind-the-scenes stories from The Last Of The Americans. Until December, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion.

The Top 10 biggest Turkeys shown on MST3K

   (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and quarantined. But thankfully I still have my MST3K Turkey Day Marathon! (Cut to host clips from MST3K as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And I am glad, it's one of the few good things that I have been anticipating this year! Ever since last year when Netflix gave this series the ax, I have taken any time I could to enjoy any classic episode and believe it or not after Netflix killed the series IFC gave every single episode a chance to be seen for a whole new Generation and after seeing a lot of them, I can say they have taken on some big as hell turkeys or truly bad movies. And today just before Thanksgiving I'm going to talk about the ten biggest turkeys in the history of MST3K. Here's how I'm breaking this list down, One) Jonah will get the number 10 spot and the number 5 spot, the rest will belong to Mike & Joel, Two) Some movies you know that have been on lists like this before like "Manos", "Hobgoblins", "Monster A Go-Go" & "Castle Of Fu Manchu" will be on this list and finally, expect a surprise entry here and there but be ready for the usual suspects on a list on MST3K and the worst movies they've had to deal with. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
With the usual formalities out of the way, let's dive into The Ten biggest Turkeys on MST3K(Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground and a camera looks around and James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where what the camera symbolizes and James looking in before closing the door and the words "Top 10 Worst movies (AKA TURKEYS) on Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown and James closes the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 10

(Cut to clips of the MST3K The Gauntlet Episode "Ator The Fighting Eagle" as James does a voiceover)

10) "Ator The Fighting Eagle"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Ay-Yi-Yi! It would be Apropos that the last episode in the revival have the worst movie of said revival would riff! I literally by the end of the first time I saw it, I felt like Rocky Balboa after taking on every one of his opponents in the Rocky movie franchise at once with only fifteen seconds rest per opponent  whether or not they got knocked out! As a matter of fact, there's a still image of me raising my hands in victory while a clip of "The Final Bell" by Bill Conti plays in the foreground. The movie itself was just disgusting! In the first fifteen minutes there was an incestuous wedding angle that never really left my mind EVEN AFTER THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED THE TWO OF THEM AS SIBLINGS TOLD THEM OTHERWISE STILL MADE IT ALL THE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, A MENTOR WHO TURNS OUT TO BE THE PSYCH BAD GUY AND AN UNHOLY MESS OF A SWORD AND SORCERY PLOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AND EVEN A VETERAN RIFFER WOULD CALL IT QUITS AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. The good news? At the end of the episode, even though everyone else is now stuck on tour which as of this post they're stuck in the Deep Hurting due to well let's face it 2020 and as for Kinga and Max (Tv's Son of Tv's Frank)? They're trapped watching every single experiment until they go cuckoo themselves, which is probably bad news for Jonah or whoever they bring in to revive the series again. But as for the movie itself? "Ator The Fighting Eagle" UGH!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looking in and using a Bulb Baster and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 9
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" as James does a voiceover)

9) "Manos: The Hands Of Fate"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This one is actually one of my favorite episodes and to be honest wouldn't even crack my top 100 of really bad movies, Ever! Don't get me wrong, it's a slog to sit through! "Manos" should've faded into obscurity had it not been for Frank Conniff AKA TV's Frank who saw it and suggest it for the fourth season's finale. The rest is MST3K history, one of the phrases of the series is "Keep Circulating The Tapes" or in case of the revival "Keep Circulating The URLs" and this episode is one of those you keep doing it. Between Horrible Acting, Directing, Dubbing, Editing and Scenes that go on for what feels like an eternity and a half, this movie without riffing would be unbearable! However there is something that grabs you unlike some movies featured on MST3K. This has something that is unforgettable no matter how hard you try!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground  where what the camera symbolizes and Renee putting in a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders" as James does a voiceover)

8) Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It's not really that bad in terms of an episode, the movie itself has a really big issue! This movie is a sloppy recut of a movie called "The Devil's Gift" which in itself is a ripoff of the Stephen King horror story "The Monkey". "The Devil's Gift" is basically about a killer Monkey Toy that kills when the cymbals crash! In "The Devil's Gift" the family buys it! However the Director of "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders" decided to toss Merlin in saving the family at the Zero Hour. Throw in an out of nowhere story about a douchebag who decides it's a Marty-Mart-Mart idea to fiddle around with Merlin's book and after futzing around with it winds up an infant! Two stories horribly interwoven together in a Family film! Yeah people, this is supposedly a Family Film! Both stories are being told to a grandchild as a Grandpa played by the one and only Ernest Borgnine! So stuff like a guy roasting his cat, images of Satan, and a demonically possessed toy monkey are perfect family fare according to this numbnut jack ass of a movie maker! Apparently also according to the director, you should show kids Porn, "Showgirls", "The Room" and every R-Rated movie while you're at it! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground  where what the camera symbolizes and Paulo and Brenda Fonseca putting in their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)  

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 7
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Monster a Go-Go" as James does a voiceover)

7) "Monster a Go-Go"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
MST3K Writer Paul Chaplain wrote in the MST3K Official Guide "Any topic that is about something (that is, any topic that exhibits "topicness") cannot, by definition, have anything to do with this movie". Nothing I can say to add because what can be said about this movie at all?! The movie itself has negative meaning! Nothing is in it. It may be a cheesy monster movie, but it has the biggest middle finger ending in the history of cinema, EVER! (Cut to the MST3K "Monster A Go-Go" ending.) That's right people, there was no monster in this "Movie" at all! It might as well have ended with  the narrator saying "We wasted hours of your life and left you empty! HA-HA-HA! You Suck, We Win!"  "Monster A Go-Go"! Monster A Go-Go Screw yourself with a rusty three inch drill bit and lick a corroded chainsaw while it's running! 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Nick Yaun puts in a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 6
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" as James does a voiceover)

6) "The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" or here by abbreviated as "TISCTLABMUZ"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"TISCTLABMUZ" was advertised as "The First Monster Movie Musical"! However the musical numbers grind this movie and it's "plot" to a screeching halt EVERY GOD DAMNED TIME! Toss in the fact that every single character is an asshole and a racist portrayal of a Romanian Woman. The movie is a mess! But it's not boring a lot of the movie is so trippy, you'll feel like you have taken so much illicit material (Which according to some new laws in certain states is now officially legal which states are they? Well they're on my no travel to states as of right now!) to the point of a.... (Cut to the "Super Freak Out" moment in MST3K)

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Rebecca Yaun moving the Stuffing over and placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven  and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 5

(Cut to clips of MST3K "Starcrash" Episode as James does a voiceover)

5) "Starcrash"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This David Hasselhoff, Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer English Rip-Off of a "Turkish Star Wars" clone was so awful  The Host segments outside were what saved the episode. The movie itself had me crying in pain wishing I was Obi-Wan Kenobi when he took on Vader in the original "Star Wars" movie. How this movie ever make it past conception, I will never know. Kylo Ren, If you'd please (Cut to clip of Kylo Ren as his lightsaber ignites and stabs the poster for "Starcrash" in "The Force Awakens" and then it falls to the wayside. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Thank you!

 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and John Ross Santos moving the Croissant Rolls and placing in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 4

(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Beast Of Yucca Flats" as James does a voiceover)

4) "The Beast Of Yucca Flats"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Want to know what happened in this movie? Simply put "Absolutely Nothing!" Actually, I take it back, less than nothing is in this movie! No characters, no story, no plot not a god damned thing! I had more fun watching cheese age! People are killed and they take it the same way I take a poop! The narration tells us facts I'd rather be seeing than being told. The main movie rule is "SHOW, DON'T TELL!" The narrator tells us how ironic Javorsky is now a monster when he was a kind and sweet scientist. If I knew who he was BEFORE he became a monster, then I'd care! But as is, The Beast Of Yucca Flats! YUCK! 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Mike Santos as He places corn in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 3

(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Attack Of The Eye Creatures" as James does a voiceover)

3) "Attack Of The Eye Creatures"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I can honestly say watching this movie is as painful as getting my balls waxed! (Don't Ask!) This movie was just so half assed, I'm surprised everyone in the movie didn't walk out on the movie unless the pay was so good they said to themselves "Just get through principle photography!" Even though the characters weren't complete and total assholes like in "TISCTLABMUZ", "Hobgoblins" or "Killer Fish", they were as annoying as all get out but the worst has to be without a shadow of a doubt were the crew watching the radar readout on the monitors! Every second of them drove Joel and the bots to rage induced manslaughter! By the end of the episode instead of going to a letter from a fan or something funny, Joel and The Bots go over how bad the movie was! (Cut to the clip of Joel, Tom Servo and Crow talking about the movie again and how They Just Didn't Care! Cut back to the episode as James does a voiceover) Even after Joel and The Bots flat out tell everyone what was wrong about the movie, The MADs tried to defend themselves and their movie choice and even they can't do that! A movie so bad that if MST3K don't make jokes at the end about it well Joel and The Bots say it best (Cut to the MST3K Clip of Joel and the Bots as they say "THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE!". Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Well put!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Ed Champion and Andrew Beach placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2

(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Hobgoblins" as James does a voiceover)

2) Hobgoblins

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It wouldn't be a worst MST3K movies list without this one on it! Your generic bad late 1980's "Gremlins"/"Critters" knock off! The movie is as boring as eating cardboard with even less flavor than cardboard! And just like "TISCTLABMUZ", the characters are complete and total assholes! It has no idea whether or not it's trying to be scary or funny! And the craziest part about it? Rick Sloane, the director of the movie requested this movie be featured on MST3K! That's right, HE LITTERALY ASKED FOR IT! You may as well have given Ted Nugent an automatic weapon with unlimited ammo and pray he doesn't go after his enemies with it! The premise of the series is that a test subject is forced to be subjected to a bad movie. A... BAD... MOVIE! Well apparently he was fine with the riffs on the movie but when they made fun of  Rick, he was put off with how they attacked him! AGAIN! DID RICK EVEN WATCH AN EPISODE?! The MST3K "Whose Who" of enemies list reads like a list of unknowns and hack has been actors and filmmakers like Ed Wood, Sandy Frank and Coleman Francis! However it wasn't all bad for Rick because of the notoriety, he was able to make a sequel for Hobgoblins which, for the record MST3K hasn't touched it and if they do MST3K better make sure Rick signs a waiver making sure he won't attack them.(Cut to the MST3K "Hobgoblins" host segment in which Mike, Servo and Crow cardboard cutouts sing. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So with 99 percent of the usual suspects done, I might as well go all the way and show you.. 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Eric Kurtzke placing in Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However the weight of what's in the oven to fall causing a crater in the Kitchen as it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven was revealing the Number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 The Number One Turkey shown on MST3K ever...

(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Castle Of Fu Manchu" as James does a voiceover)

1) "The Castle Of Fu Manchu"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Watching this one you may need to be hospitalized and put on a Suicide watch for about ten years! From the little bit of "Story" in this clunker, Fu Manchu played by Christopher Lee wants to freeze every ounce of water but needs a scientist that's dying and captures a surgeon to transplant a heart while a daughter is trying to avenge her father who was harmed or killed by Fu Manchu, THIS MOVIE IS A GOD DAMNED NUCLEAR MESS AND A HALF! THE EDITING IS WORSE THAN "Fishtales"! AND THAT'S A STATEMENT I DON'T MAKE LIGHTLY! Even worse, this movie was the one that nearly shattered Joel and The Bots! By the third act in the movie, they can't keep up the jokes in the theater segments! It dissolves into open tears, sobbing caused by pain from this movie. So as far as every MSTie can tell you "Castle Of Fu Manchu" is without a shadow of a doubt, the bottom of the barrel of movies ever shown on MST3K! (Show ending where Frank admits they could've made jokes but there was nothing funny about the movie itself. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any that I missed, let me know in the comments section below and how you survived! And speaking of Survival, next month is December which means another Christmas Shopping Guide but this year, it'll be a little different from the last one, especially after what everyone has been through may just be the tip of the iceberg (The Sound of the MST3K Turkey Day Hymn plays in the Foreground) But that's for next month! For now, The MST3K Turkey Day Marathon calls! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! Woo-Hoo!