James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Friday, February 10, 2017

Bad Romance: Valentine's Day Survival Guide

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well by the time this is posted it'll be sometime before Valentine's Day and it'll be AFTER that by the time the preview is going to be on Rowdyc.com. But this is for single people like me to get through the nightmare of February 14th. These are the movies and specials that I watch to get me through possibly the worst day to be single. Now before I get even MORE hate e-mail than I did with my Fifty Shades Of Grey Editorial, I want to state that YES there are Romantic movies in this but that maybe just be I'm a few shy a full load and I AM GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO THE LEAST AMOUNT I CAN MUSTER. With that said, let's start with something romantic but ends on a semi-realistic note. As much as a semi-realistic note can be when you decide to get into a relationship with The Dark Knight! (Cut to opening of "Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm" as the score by Shirley Walker plays in the background as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For me, this is a movie I watch every Valentine's Day as a reminder of what it's like for a romance with Batman is like and in the middle of that is a series of Gangland murders perpetrated by a Batman look-alike known as The Phantasm and The Joker is thrown into the mix and I think I'll stop here before I reveal too much because there is so much and if I continue to go forward I will spoil everything about the movie. But I will say that there is a reason why this movie has become one of those great movies that had become a great movie over time. Hell Siskel & Ebert regret missing this movie in the theaters when they reviewed it. All I can say that everyone and their parents on this movie on the Internet know about how friggin' amazing this movie is and how it can affect the emotions of those poor heart broken people who are as alone as Batman is. But speaking of movies that affect people with broken hearts. (Cut to the title card of "Love Story" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah this is corny and a lot of it has NOT aged well and the dialogue is well... (Cut to the "Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry" moments from both Jenny and Oliver) Yeah not exactly the best line in the history of cinema! But to me there is something enjoyable to it! Listening to the soundtrack is definitely one of the better things to come from the movie and it's obvious the late Arthur Hiller was inspired with some of his shots by The Graduate but I won't hold it against the guy! Now obviously I recommend seeing this movie at least once if only for just the charm of how this movie has become the basis for so many of the Hallmark & Lifetime Made For TV Clichés for their romantic dramedies! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But I think I may have gotten a lot of my cynical attitude towards this holiday thanks to Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang for that! (Cut to title card of "Be My Valentine Charlie Brown" before cutting to clips from the special as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Be My Valentine Charlie Brown still to me remains one of the better Charlie Brown specials save for the Linus falling for Miss Othmar stuff, That's just Squicky! Though when Linus just goes off knowing he wasted so much time going after an impossibility and how he just decides to get angry and rid himself of his Squick was very cathartic for me. Though if I were Charlie Brown I'd be sending Snoopy to the Vets to take care of Snoopy because Chocolate + Dogs= NOTHING GOOD HAPPENING TO SNOOPY! But I also can relate to Charlie Brown and his never ending quest to be given just a little recognition even if it's a reused Valentine. I strongly recommend you check this out and give the others on the DVD a look, but definitely not... (Cut to the Opening credit scene of "It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown" is shown as Dramatic music is heard before cutting to James grabbing a bottle of Liquid I.Q. downing it in one gulp and sighing)

TLOTA: But let me try to balance the cynicism with something semi-positive. (Cut to opening credit of "X-Men" 1990's animated series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me The Phoenix Saga & The Dark Phoenix Saga was about as great as the 1990's X-Men Animated series could be up to that point. In the comics this was the moment the romance between Jean Grey & Cyclops ended with Jean sacrificing herself and dying to keep The Phoenix and the Shi'ar empire from destroying everything. But they expanded on the source material and stayed as true as it could for an Children's Animated series based on a Comic Book series could be. I mean yeah they had to make the changes at the end of the Dark Phoenix Saga so even though it was gut wrenching it didn't end with death but DAMN did The Phoenix Saga end with the right amount of heartbreak. Cyclops and Wolverine were wrecked by the end of the Phoenix Saga and by the time I was done watching both I needed to lose myself for a while.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But is there anything that is schmaltzy but also entertainingly good? Well I can think of at least a few good choices. (Cut to opening credit of "The Princess Bride" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What can be said that time hasn't. Rob Reiner made possibly one of the greatest Sword & Sorcery Romantic comedies of all time. With talent like Robin Wright, Cary Elwes, Peter Falk, Mandy Patinkin, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, Wallace Shawn, Andre The Giant!?! (Show clip of Fezzik shouting "Everybody MOVE!" and the crowd parts like the Red Sea) dare I say anymore? Everyone loves this movie for all the right reasons. The music was incredible! Every line of Dialogue is incredible! Everything had fallen place when they made this movie and for it to fail would've been... What's the word I'm looking for? (Cut to Vizzini shouting "Inconceivable!") Thanks Vizzini. I say check this movie out just for the fun of it! (Cut to clip of Fezzik saying "Anyone want a Peanut?" before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: But what if you really want something just as good or even better then may I suggest this classic (Cut to opening credit of "The Great Muppet Caper" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah! One of the first movie romances was that of Kermit & Miss Piggy. Was I upset that the two ended their personal relationship in 2015? Upset is an understatement between Clara dying in "Doctor Who" and The two of them breaking up I WAS A WRECK BY THE END OF 2015! But this was the first sample of love between a male and female outside of my family and this is remains one of the greatest movies I've ever seen because not only of the romance between Kermit and Miss Piggy but it's the first time Kermit had a rival in Charles Grodin's Nicky Holiday and Kermit was willing to go so far as to catch those thieves himself red handed (Cut to the clip of Beauregard saying "What Color are their hands now?") Funny Beauregard! But there's a reason I will watch this movie over so much garbage that claim to be some of the best Romantic Comedies ever made. But to me that title belongs to the final film in this guide

(Cut to opening credit of "Splash" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):Yes everyone, I actually find myself enjoying this movie every February 14th. I actually put this one on and I truly enjoy what this classic because it give a guy like me a glimmer of hope. If you haven't seen this, you don't know what you're missing. We've got themes of love, fate vs circumstance, fighting for what your right to get what you want and or deserve, there is a lot behind this. If you haven't seen this or anything in this little guide of mine, then I HIGHLY, HIGHLY Suggest you check them out. May they give you a glimmer of hope in what may appear to be not only a time of year where hope is in limited supply but for many of you where you believe it might be a year where you feel like your hope has been taken away from you but we've all got to hang in there, who knows what this year will bring us.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know what, if all else fails... (Cut to James grabbing a case of Martinelli's) Have a few on me and seeing as how by the time this is posted I'm a few bottles in, I might as well join my future self. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... You know the rest!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Bad Romance: "Valentine's Day" Massacre

TLOTA (Singing): You know I thought we had

Everyone (Singing): BAD LUCK!

TLOTA (Singing): To Be watching

Everyone (Singing): TOTAL SCHLOCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Then I saw her and I knew

Everyone (Singing): WE’RE STUCK! CAUSE NOW ALL IT IS, IS BAD SCHLOCK! (James shouts “HEY!”)

Everyone (Singing): NOW THERE’S HELL TO PAY! SO YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE WAY! THIS MOVIE IS A CROCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Hey look up there it’s…

Everyone (Singing): THE ROCK! WHAT?! (Cut to the sky as it closes in on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as he is hanging on as a helicopter before it comes into range of James’ office driveway and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson takes a flying leap and lands in the driveway right in front of James and team TLOTA.)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping): HOLD IT! HOLD UP! LET ME SAY IT NOW JABRONIS! THIS IS! THIS IS SOMETHING AWESOME IT’S NOT A BAD MOVIE! (Cut to “Valentine’s Day” as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson continues to rap)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping voiceover): TAY-TAY! MY GAL! TAY-TAY IS AWESOME IN THIS FARACI! SAY THE WRONG THING AND I’LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEDNESDAY! (Cut to Team TLOTA as they go Ooh!)

Eliza Dushku (Singing): This one is so bad!

TLOTA (Singing): It makes me mad! Taylor’s got to learn that everybody must BUUUUUUURN!

Everyone (Singing): Cause now we’re stuck with BAD SCHLOCK!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): You don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout.

Everyone (Singing): We can’t stand it! It’s a Crock!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): It’s Taylor Swift! Give her a break!

Everyone (Singing): Well when we saw her we knew we were stuck!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): Gary Marshall gave her a break!

Everyone (Singing): OH, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ROCK! (James shouts “HEY” loud enough to toss Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson off screen and he says “Ow!” before cutting to the Title Card of the Movie “Valentine’s Day” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yep folks for those of you who think the Bottom of The Barrel is too lofty a perch for you then obviously, this movie is for you. There’s so much saccharine sugar coated schmaltz it’d give the healthiest person a diabetic coma! The acting is so ungodly awful there are no words to describe how ungodly awful it is and everything is just an ass-fest! And what happens in an ass-fest? You get the same thing, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But let’s not wait any longer as I take on the movie that made me realize the divide between me and Hollywood and people who criticize movies professionally is about as big it could get between here in Sullivan County New York to the other side of the sun ten times! This is the worst movie humanity has brought upon itself “Valentine’s Day”. Pray for your salvation humanity! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something interesting to note about this abomination of all that is good is that there are multiple storylines some that interconnect and some that just connect around the perimeter of the main storyline which is interesting but done to freaking death and if I list all the movies that did that, we’d be here all day and quite honestly, I want this movie to meet its maker quickly so let’s get through this nightmare done and over with! We start off with what is supposed to be the Greek Choir in the movie a Radio personality letting everyone know that it’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles as we’re introduced to a florist named Reed played by Ashton Kutcher as he’s shaking off the fact his girlfriend played by Jessica Alba initially said yes to his morning marriage proposal initially but a few hours later she pretty much chucks him to the curb! Meanwhile on a flight home from serving in Iraq an Army Captain played by the perennial irritation to my cinematic sensibility Julia Roberts is on her way home and she’s got a one day leave and befriends a guy named Holden played by Bradley Cooper who offers The Army Captain a ride to meet a guy she’s in love with. A school teacher played Jennifer Garner who was just doing this while Ben Affleck was stuck being one of “The Company Men” falls for a doctor played by McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey but she has a student named Edison who has a crush on her. Meanwhile Edison has his own problems as his Grandparents are having marital troubles and his babysitter played by Chanel Oberlin herself Emma Roberts wants to lose her innocence to her boyfriend. YEAH JULIA’S NIECE IS IN THIS AS HER FRIEND PLAYED BY UGH TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER THEN BEAU TAYLOR LAUTNER DECIDE TO GO ON TELEVISION TO SAY "IT'S OKAY WITHHOLD THE HANKY PANKY!" (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And no I’m not making a joke about “Twilight”, "Sharkboy & Lavagirl", or any of his works in the Happy Madison movies here and I did a joke about Taylor Swift in the intro after the opening title and I AM SURE AS HELL NOT GONNA MAKE A SCREAM QUEENS JOKE ABOUT EMMA ROBERTS AND TAYLOR LAUTNER BEING IN THE SAME SERIES! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re wondering why if I’m going through ALL the storyline beginnings now it’s so after the break I can go through where they all end in certain ways to unite or end in their own way. Which is why during ALL this a Sports agent played by Queen Latifah is concerned about her client played by Eric “McSteamy” Dane coming out of the closet and her client’s publicist played by Jessica Biel putting together an “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party while becoming interested in a Sports reporter played by Jamie Foxx who is doing Valentine’s Day report by his boss who shares the distain for the holiday as the Sports Agent’s client’s publicist played by GAHHHH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry about that Kathy Bates scares the hell out of me for three reasons. One being “Misery”, Two “The Waterboy” & Finally “About Schmidt”. Don’t know what I’m talking about. Find those movies and be afraid be very, very, very, very, VERY AFRAID OF KATHY BATES! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Sports Agents temp Secretary played by Anne Hathaway is doubling as a Phone Sex Operator which irritates her boyfriend played by NO! NO! NO! NO! GET OUT OF HERE TOPHER GRACE! YOU ALREADY GAVE ME A MIGRAINE DURING SPIDER-MAN 3! DO SOME OTHER MOVIE, GET OUT OF HOLLYWOOD DO SOMETHING ELSE! RUN A FREAKIN’ BASKIN ROBBINS OR SOMETHING! LIVE COMFORTABLY OFF YOUR “‘70’S SHOW” RESIDUALS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: GOD! IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER I COULD BE A PART OF OR AT LEAST BE WATCHING! (Cut to Paulo & Eliza at James’ office doorway)

Paulo Fonseca: James, you might want to look at this.

Eliza Dushku: Things are Wicked Crazy! And on a scale of one to 100 it’s a 4,281,982! (Cut to James as he grumbles)

TLOTA: What is it now? (James gets out of his office and notices ALL the forced drama as Eric and John get into fisticuffs over Olivia Horvath)

Eric Kurtzke: SHE IS MY WOMAN YOU LITTLE NUTSACK!

John Santos: Get ready to face off with “THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY” and after you’re a skid on my fists I’M GONNA GIVE HER THE NIGHT OF MY LIFE!

(Cut to Renee and Mike as they are canoodling before cutting to Nick and Rebecca kissing before Traci Hines comes in through the front door with Nick)

Traci Hines: That’s not Nick! It’s his twin from another dimension! (Rebecca looks as Duplicate Nick reveals his Soul patch)

Duplicate Nick: I’ll kill her before I give her to you! You pansy!

Nick Yaun: I’ll show you who’s a pansy! (Cut to James and Paulo as they look at each other)

Paulo Fonseca: Let me guess, break out the extra concentrated Liquid IQ, get the crazy pills and tranquilizers while Eliza warms up the Time and Space device and have ORAC set coordinates for Nick’s duplicate’s dimension and we’ll get everything back to normal or as normal as things can be around here during the break.

TLOTA: How did…?

Paulo Fonseca: I’ve known you for a while. Trust me things like this remind me that this is just Monday!

TLOTA: That makes too much sense, sadly.

TLOTA: You know something, I swear my vocation has some Damned crazy days and very few sane ones and it’s the ones where everything is sane that are the freakiest! But here’s something you didn’t know. As I review these movies, my team sits and watches the movie as well. So, as I review this flaming bag of garbage, sadly my team must sit through watching this steaming hunk of crap! (Cut to everyone else as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The women of the group have already downed half a bottle of wine and other fine alcoholic liquors knowing how big a steaming pile this is and have done the sensible thing and got themselves soused! The guys on the other hand have the already begun knowing they’re going to suffer painfully as the look on their faces have the tell-tale signs of lack of laughter, inability to find joy and as is the way of all men forced to watch this garbage have begun to think of how much fun a trip off the Empire State building can be! (Cut to Paulo & Nick with their lower jaws slightly ajar)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Paulo & Nick have entered the dazed, confused and abandoned mode. They are currently in a hypnotic state of annoyance. They want to be angry but they’ve lost all emotions in them and can no longer express said anger because they’re no longer able to express the words in either physical or written form. (Cut to John and Mike)

TLOTA (Voiceover): John sadly is now in the hollow mode. John’s brains have left his body and he is now an empty shell of his former self therefor he is nothing and has nothing left in him to care. Mike on the other hand is now in dead mode! Mike has LITERALLY died inside! Mike has surrendered any ounce of life to anything worth living for and has now realized the afterlife is a joke that constantly kicks him in the popos! (Cut to Eric)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And sadly, Eric is now in the final phase of Zombie mode! He now realizes that death was just the beginning! He now suffers in agony hungry for blood and brains then discovers that there are none found! Especially…. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: From any guy who was forced into watching this praying for a suicide bomber to blow the theater they’re watching at sky high! (Cut to everyone else on the couch)

Rebecca Yaun: Hey James, you do realize we can hear you!

Eliza Dushku: And the fact we know this movie is undeniable crap doesn’t mean we’re suffering.

Traci Hines: That’s right! We’ve just found ways to make the suffering more tolerable.

Olivia Horvath: As for the guys, we’ve doped them up on horse tranquilizers so they can’t scream in agony or do any harm to themselves. That’s the only way we could watch it without the sound of men groaning in agony!

Renee Miller: Also, close the damned door! We don’t need to hear you talking as we deal with this schlock! (The guys mumble before cutting to James’ office door as James grumbles until he gets to the door and apologizes before slamming the door then cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the school teacher quickly discovers her Doctor is married. Edison quickly gets shot down by the School teacher but gives Edison advice to give it to a girl around his age! Smart move. You know I wonder sometimes what it would’ve been like for anyone who was dragged kicking and screaming!

(Cut to a theater where insects played by James Faraci, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Nick Yaun & Paulo Fonseca)

Insect (James): Hey! Hey! Look at all these ladies getting drunk!

Insect (Paulo): But what about all this fresh blood?

Insect (Nick): Hey guys those poor souls a few rows over there have slit their own wrists!

Insect (John): That’s nothing, I was in the projectionist’s room. He cried out “God Forgive Me!” as the movie started then his brains were splattered against the wall!

Insect (Mike): Why are all the guys ending their lives so violently?

Insect (Eric): It may have to do with what’s on the screen! (Cut to a screen where “Valentine’s Day” is being played before cutting back to the Insects)

Insect (James): You know, that can of Raid in the back of the theater is looking good right about now! Race everyone to it?

(The other insects nod in agreement as they run off screen as one second later the audio of the insect played by James shouts “OH SWEET CAN OF RAID! RELEASE US FROM THIS WORTHLESS ORB!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As Kara’s Anti-Valentine’s day party looks as if it’s a bust, Jamie Foxx’s Sportscaster character comes to it and turns it into something successful. Meanwhile Topher’s character still fuming about Anne Hathaway’s Character being a Phone Sex operator runs into Edison’s grandfather who is bemoaning the fact that he screwed up his marriage while a better romantic movie is being shown in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery but thankfully Edison’s grandparents kiss and makeup right as the scene behind them shows the two falling in love for the first time! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now for every guy, I now give you this list of deaths from "Game Of Thrones" that are better than watching this garbage! (Cut to every single death from "Game Of Thrones" as "The Chicken Dance" plays in the background before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Holden turns out to be the Quarterback’s boyfriend as he comes out, The Army Captain who happens to be Edison’s mom comes home just in time to be with her son, Edison’s grandparents enjoy the rest of the night together, Kara and the Sportscaster hook up, Anne Hathaway’s character and Topher Grace’s character reconcile, Harrison’s marriage ends in divorce and the movie ends with Reed the Florist giving the Jessica Alba character the BURN she deserves by not even answering her call to him and hooking up with the teacher in possibly the most schlockiest way possible! With only one word on my notes about the ending of this waste of time.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And that word is "FAIL!"! THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST THING HUMANITY EVER CONCIEVED! (Cut to a still of Donald Trump standing outside the White House before cutting to James physically) EVEN WORSE THAN THAT! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): IF THERE WAS EVER A REASON FOR ALL OUR COUNTRY’S ENEMIES TO UNITE AND DESTROY US, THIS IS THE DAMNED REASON! Look may Garry Marshall rest in peace but HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHETHER HE WAS TOO GOD DAMNED SENILE TO THINK STRAIGHT OR KNEW HIS CAREER WAS ENDING HE MUST HAVE REALIZED HE MADE THE WORST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA! THE WRITING IS INSIPID! THE ACTING?! HA IT’S A GOD DAMNED JOKE! I FELT I LOST AN ENTIRE DAY JUST TO SIT THROUGH THIS DOGPILE! THIS MOVIE CAN TAKE ITS OWN SCHLOCK AND SHOVE ITSELF SO FAR UP ITS OWN ASS IT CAN EAT ITS OWN EVER RECYCLING TURD FOR ALL FREAKING ETERNITY!! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to forget this movie ever existed! (Cut to James pulling out a case of Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Cider and he opens a bottle.) My next little bit for this month was already made to go before I did this turkey. So I might as well get the one man Conga line going! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND I’LL SEE EVERYONE IN A MONTH! BY THEN I MAY EVEN BE IN A BETTER MOOD! GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE SUCKED GOAT POPOS!!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Bad Romance: Is The Fifty Shades Of Grey series secretly smart?

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. We're all aware of the Fifty Shades Of Grey books and the first movie that happened two years ago and the next movie coming out in a few weeks and next year the finale of this movie series that are a step below Z-Grade Soft Core Adult Movies. (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the "Fifty Shades Darker" trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And yes, I WHOLLY AGREE with The Nostalgia Kid and every Internet reviewer who despise these as the Soft Core Schlock. But as I checked out the books and the clips from the first movie, I noticed certain themes, motifs and even certain truths that are prevalent in our society. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So before I see even ONE angry mob listen to why I ask this question Is "The Fifty Shades Of Grey" series secretly smarter than we give it credit for? (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the "Fifty Shades Darker" trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well I won't say it's on the same level as say something from Stephen Hawkins or anyone that same level. But I will say that it's not as dumb as some make it out to be. Creepy as ALL Get out but what do you expect when Fifty Shades Of Grey's source material is a adult romantic Twilight fanfic! That's right, the source behind Fifty Shades of Grey is a Twilight Fanfic! So I know it's good! Oy Vey! But regardless is the romance between Christian Grey & Anastasia Steele better or worse than the one between Bella & Edward. Well in The Twilight books Edward actually didn't want anything to do with Bella in the beginning it was through circumstance and bad decisions on Bella's part that made Edward slowly fall for Bella and conversely Bella was not interested in Edward in the beginning and it was because Edward was basically doing everything to keep her safe from harm that she doesn't do anything to harm Edward's family that she slowly begins not only to empower herself but discovers her emotional attachment to Edward was more than just some little crush. There was something there that the two could draw strength from each other. The romance between Anastasia and Christian on the other hand is very much like a hunter after his prey. But in a weird way it's even more realistic to how things may come to be. Christian has an agreement in order for him to be in bed doing the "In Bed Tango" with Anastasia whenever he wants and to a degree it's a little too realistic in some way it feels as if we NEED to have a legally binding contract just to go on a date in the first place. But for the sake of legal authenticity I did research and asked a lawyer to see if this contract has any legal standing ANYWHERE and I can conclusively say that it is NOT worth the paper it is written on. But I do understand Christian Grey's mentality on why he would even suggest it. He thinks romance and the in-bed tango is no different than a business deal and yeah his own backstory as a character makes me understand why he's the way he is, doesn't make him a good character but I understand the mentality of Christian. As for the intensity of adult themes of Fifty Shades Of Grey I would have to say yeah it is so close to being a Z-Grade Stag Film that it's not even funny. But that's because I know I'd never force myself onto a woman or even go as far as Christian goes when he wants Anastasia. However I do know that there are groups who are into that type of stuff and I won't judge them, if it's what they like then that is how they want to live their lives. Do I agree with their way of thinking when it comes to what arouses them? No. Though it does take different strokes to move this rock. Will I talk to them socially without prejudice? Definitely. I don't judge people for what they do in their private life. If they think I'd be into certain things like say certain adult things, well I'm not a prude but I would like to think if I say no they know better and let me be and I think that's where it is smarter than it's source material. If it has attracted people into some of the darker and more twisted views of romance well I'd probably like to think it was in them already and this just made them feel as if they were as normal as anyone else. So it is smart but not as secretly smart as I thought it was. But it is smart in a certain way we can't think of it being. Do I recommend the books and/or movies? Hell No! Will I ever review them? I maybe crazy, but I'm not that far gone! All I can tell you is if you are into this and you've found something to like, then good for you. Me I'll try to enjoy the more realistic aspects of romance. If I'm ever in a relationship with a woman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get myself ready to deal with possibly my greatest assault on my intelligence ever. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Bad Romance: A "Super" Bad Romance

TLOTA: Excuse me for a moment. (James walks to the main lobby)

TLOTA: Hey Guys, I’ve got to ask something. Is there a sign over my head saying “I’ve done something wrong and I deserve this punishment!” or “I’m a sadist’s submissive please torture me!” or anything that says I enjoy being tortured?

(Cut to everyone either saying No or nodding as to say no before cutting to James looking at the audience)

TLOTA: SO WHY THE HELL AM I DEALING WITH THIS CRAP FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS?! (Cut to Clips of Romantic Comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): OH…MY…GOD! I am going to be dealing with a genre of movies that I already said should die or at least needs someone to give the genre a huge dose of intelligence and when I mean a huge dose of intelligence I mean enough intelligence to rival Carl Sagan, Steven Hawkins & Albert Einstein combined. I am of course talking about the Romantic Comedy Genre. A Genre that might be the bane of the existence of everyone with an I.Q. larger than the height of the Himalayas and Kilimanjaro, Matterhorn, Mont Blanc and the Rest of the ALPS! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: But maybe if I start off with something not as bad then maybe the next two months after this one maybe just maaaaaay be tolerable. With that said, let’s start this madness parade with something I can tolerate, barely. (Cut to the Opening of “My SUPER Ex-Girlfriend before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah for those who thought Emma Peel in “The Avengers” & “Poison Ivy” in “Batman & Robin” was Uma Thurman’s worst roles then obviously, they never acknowledge this turkey. But there is something that’s so unbearably bad that there is something so bizarrely entertaining that it may be worth at least one viewing, two at the outside, three if you’re sick in the head like me. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, let’s start this nightmare rollercoaster ride from hell with “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, our movie begins with a robbery in New York City, A.K.A. a typical Thursday when our soon to be titular “Super” Ex-Girlfriend G-Girl played by Uma Thurman stops the bad guy when one tries to kill her but nearly get this movie an R-Rating! (Cut to the clip in which G-Girl’s outfit is shredded by bullets before static breaks as Edna Mode played by Olivia Horvath sits in chair over a spotlight in a black room.)

Edna Mode (Played by Olivia Horvath): NO! THAT SUIT WAS NOT MADE BY ME! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Edna Mode? (Cut to Edna Mode)

Edna Mode (Played by Olivia Horvath): Yes, darling I know this because if it was I who made the suits for her they would be made with unstable molecules combined with a mimetic metallic alloy lining so they will be virtually indestructible darlings! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But what about…? (Cut to Edna Mode)

Edna Mode (Played by Olivia Horvath): NO! NO CAPES! (Melissa Benoist as Supergirl flies down to confront Edna)

Supergirl: Well, Edna I hate to tell you this but my cousin and I wear them and…

Edna Mode: How many times have you got caught in the blades of the jet engine or tripped and fallen on that skirted little behind?

Supergirl: Never.

Edna Mode: How about the yellow that should be inside the S in your suit.

Supergirl: IT’S NOT AN “S”! IT’S MY FAMILY’S COAT OF ARMS! THE HOUSE OF EL! IT MEANS HOPE! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Okay, chill out Supergirl, no need to go all red kryptonite crazy on us, believe me I still have nightmares of you doing things to me in the Kama Sutra when you were in that frame of mind and me in traction for the rest of my days! Not exactly worth it to me! We get it! Calm down! Please! I like you! Don’t hurt me! (Cut to Supergirl and Edna Mode)

Supergirl: James you can calm down and Edna the cape aides in Aerodynamic propulsion.

Edna Mode: Oh, I never thought of Aerodynamic propulsion when it comes to capes, I always looked upon them as… (Wonder Woman played by Eliza Dushku jumps in.)

Wonder Woman: Wastes of great fabrics as they should be used to protect the body?

Supergirl: Coming from someone whose outfit is basically a one piece with a skirt, yeah you have room to talk.

Wonder Woman: This is an Amazonian Warrior’s battle suit! (Cut to James as he hears the two argue as John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Nick Yaun & Paulo Fonseca come in around James to see the two of them argue before cutting to the two of them argue as Batgirl played by Traci Hines comes in from out of nowhere.)

Batgirl: What about cape and cowls?

Wonder Woman and Supergirl: SHUT UP BATGIRL! (The three of them argue before cutting to see John, Mike, Eric, Nick and Paulo look with Smiles on their faces as James sits there in frustration)

TLOTA (Audio only): Okay quick question How many of you are married AND want to stay that way without the fear of being Bobbitized?! (Nick & Paulo drop out of frame)

TLOTA (Audio only): One more question, just one more. How many of you want to be in a relationship with a woman without the fear of being Bobbitized?! (Eric, John, Mike and James drop out of the frame as the audio of the argument is heard before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After literally dropping off the robbers outside the precinct, we’re introduced to Matt played by Luke “My Brother is the luckiest Son of a Bitch in the world ” Wilson & Vaughn played by Rainn “No relation to either Luke or Owen and I’m doing this while waiting on the next season of “The Office” Wilson as the two chat, Vaughn suggests to Matt that he try asking a random woman and guess who Matt tries to hook up with? (Cut to Matt trying to hook up with G-Girl’s civilian identity before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Well, no wonder the runtime is about ten minutes. (Cut back to the movie as Matt chases down a guy who mugged Uma’s character before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: DAMN IT This movie is still going. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, Matt tries to grab they guy who grabbed G-Girl’s civilian identities’ purse he gets the purse but not the guy and tries to dis the thug who has ears and chases after Matt cornering him in a dumpster when strange punches and thud are heard and Matt is introduced to Jenny Johnson. Your everyday average Art Gallery Curator, yeah let’s go with that. At any rate the two have a hook-up as we discover that Matt secretly has a crush on Hannah his co-worker played by Anna Faris but from what I’ve heard her boyfriend is a Star Lord. Oh well, at least Jenny agreed to see Matt on a date and believe it or not the rest of the first act goes as follows, Jenny and Matt go on a date and she nearly compromises her superhero identity and supposed bad guy Professor Bedlam played by Eddie Izzard stalks Jenny and Matt and comes up with a plan to get close to Jenny. Jenny and Matt do the in-bed tango so hard his bed and his manhood are reduced to dust! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: YOWZA! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Also, they show how much of an absolute psycho Jenny is! But as Matt is on his way to work one day when Bedlam kidnaps him, tries to get information out of him then dangles him like a worm on a hook UNDER THE TORCH OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! Fortuitously, G-Girl saves Matt and as long as Matt doesn’t know G-Girl and Jenny are the same person he should be safe! (Cut to Matt being shown that Jenny is G-Girl before cutting to James slapping himself on the forehead then cut to everyone else at Team TLOTA slapping themselves on the forehead then everyone at Rowdyc.com and The Reviewerverse slapping themselves on the forehead and then God himself slapping himself on the forehead before cutting to the movie as James physically)

TLOTA: I need a break! They just found new ways to make huge piles of dumb. I need Liquid I.Q.!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well The little hand is on exposition and the big hand is on Origin Story so go ahead Jenny! Tell us your Superhero backstory. (Show clip in which Jenny tells Matt her backstory before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: WOW! That is something straight out of a subpar Superhero comedy from the 1990’s now where have I heard that before. (James thinks while holding a copy of “Meteor Man” in his hand and taps the case for it on his forehead before there’s a knock at James’ door.) What’s up? (Cut to Eliza at the doorway.)

Eliza Dushku: A meteorite landed in the parking lot! Do you want us to check it out? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Sure, why not? ORAC! Contact NASA tell them what we found we’ll be the guys freezing to death like popsicles trying to stay warm by a meteorite. (James walks away and then a loud explosion is heard and James gets knocked into his office.)

TLOTA: OH, MY BACK! OH, MY ACHING BACK! ORAC! What happened?

ORAC (Audio Only): Eliza, Olivia, Renee, Rebecca and Traci were the closest to the meteor when it exploded and were exposed to the radiation emanating from it. Shall I keep you apprised of anything that happens.

TLOTA: Yeah, even if it interrupts the review. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after nearly dying from joining the Mile-High Club in the most reckless way possible, Matt starts to consider maybe dating a Superhero isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. But that’s not even the worst of it. Jenny shows how psychotic she is by nearly letting Missiles hit the city especially when Jenny thinks Matt is hooking up with Hannah. Finally having enough Matt decides to dump the She-Psycho! Which leads to G-Girl becoming Hell-bent on making Matt’s life a living nightmare. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And just HOW bad does it get for Matt? On a scale of One through ten? It’s a 4,281,982! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I’m talking short of making Matt taking a trip off the Empire State Building just to be rid of her. She costs Matt his job, nearly cooks his fish alive, tosses his car into geosynchronistic orbit even when he and Hannah finally hook up after her boyfriend disappeared under mysterious circumstances, though from what I heard he’s commanding the Milano in another sector space. What does G-Girl do to torment Matt?

G-Girl: I HATE YOU MATT SAUNDERS! (G-Girl tosses a Great White Shark and the shark tries to attack before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: JEEEESUS, MARY, JOSEPH AND HIS TECHNO FREAKING COLOR DREAMCOAT MOVIE! (Cut to the movie and corresponding clips from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT STRONG WOMEN GETTING DUMPED IS BUT DUDE, THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE! In a situation when a strong heroine like Buffy got her heart broken she doesn’t sadistically stalk and make their ex’s life a living hell or shove ‘em in a nest of vampires, she takes it out on the vampires, turns them into dust until she feels better! And yes, I WHOLLY discount that whole “Beer Bad” bad luck with Parker incident. Regardless, she doesn’t toss JAWS onto their table! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I mean for the love of Peat Moss! Why would anyone toss a fish?

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): Heads up! Dinner’s here! (A Tuna lands on James’ desk and James jumps back and shouts “BADABOOMBAH!”)

TLOTA: ELIZA! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? (Cut to Eliza at the door way)

Eliza Dushku: Oh, off the Hawaiian coast! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: How did you…? (Cut to Eliza at the door way)

Eliza Dushku: I flew! Yeah by the way, I think you need to see this. (James looks out in the doorway with his jaw getting ready to hit the floor before cutting to Rebecca Yaun juggle her husband and her brother around and hear them scream and cry before cutting to James as he looks to see Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Traci Hines play Hot Potato with the pieces of the Couch as John & Mike Santos and Eric Kurtzke ON the pieces of the couch!)

Eric Kurtzke: BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Mike Santos: BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES!

John Santos: I WANT MY MOMMY! (Cut to James & Eliza looking at the chaos.)

TLOTA: I’ll fix this or I’ll commit myself, fake my death, go into the Witness Relocation Program after extensive…. My hand is on the Lasso of Truth, isn’t it?

Eliza Dushku: Borrowed it from Wonder Woman.

TLOTA: Well, I’ll fix this! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after…. THAT! Matt decides to team up with the real hero in this turkey Professor Bedlam and set up a trap for Psycho Girl! However, through the usual Bad Timing in this type of movie Hannah and Vaughn come by but that works in the plan’s favor as Vaughn unleashes a rock that sucks Jenny’s powers away from her! THANK YOU, GOD! NOW THEY CAN CART HER OFF TO THE FUNNY FARM WHERE SHE BELONG…Or Bedlam will try to take the powers for himself. I knew I’d have to use this one eventually! (Cut to the “It’s A Trap” General Ackbar moment in “Return Of The Jedi” before cutting to the movie as the rock go kablamo and then cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: FINALLY, THIS MOVIE IS OVER! ALLS WELL THAT ENDS WELL… (The audio of Jenny getting angry after getting her powers back before cutting to her shouting “I didn't think you were this despicable! Teaming up with BARRY!” before cutting to James with a sad puppy dog look in his eye and his bottom lip quivering before cutting to James curled up into a ball and crying silently in a corner in the lobby before cutting to everyone else.)

Rebecca Yaun: James? (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Whimpering and sad): DON’T TOUCH ME! I CAN’T DO IT! I KNOW THERE’S LESS THAN TWENTY MINUTES LEFT BUT I CAN’T DO IT! (Cut to everyone else)

Olivia Horvath: Are you the same person who killed a group of rapists and abusive men in the middle of your review of “Gigli”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that! (Cut to everyone else)

Nick Yaun: And didn’t you review “Fishtales” while you were catatonic? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that! (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: And weren’t you and Eliza trapped in a quadrant of space and yet somehow you could analyze “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that! (Cut to everyone else)

John Santos: And didn’t you while your mind was scrambled after a New Year’s Eve party with the cast of “Glee” review all THREE of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man movies? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that, Didn’t I? (Cut to everyone else)

Everyone else: YEAH! (Cut to James as he stands up as the song from “Airplane” where Ted decides to get back in and save the day plays in the background)

TLOTA: That’s right! I know what to do, take a swig of Liquid I.Q. (James chugs a whole bottle of Liquid I.Q. gasps for air and tosses the bottle), Go into that room, take on the last 20 minutes of “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” and if all else fails, GO DOWN SWINGING! (James walks back into his office as the music swells even passing a cheerleading squad containing Kailey Coney as they cheer “James, James, he’s our man! Can he, do it? Let’s Hope he can!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, Jenny has got her powers back but guess who else touched the superhero rock.

Hannah: HEY! Let go of my boyfriend, you crazy BITCH!

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right Hannah and Jenny have a Superhero brawl for no apparent reason outside of one of them winning Matt’s heart and in Psycho-Girl’s case it’s on a mantelpiece and in Hannah’s well to keep Jenny away from Matt. (Cut to the two of them brawling before cutting to James)

TLOTA: HEADS UP, SUPERMAN AND BATMAN ARE BRAWLING ACROSS THE BAY BETWEEN METROPOLIS AND GOTHAM! (Intercut the brawl between Superman & Batman in “Superman v Batman: Dawn Of Justice” with the brawl between Hannah & Jenny in “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” before cutting to still images of Jenny Flying accidentally punching Superman, Batman decking Jenny, Hannah punching Batman and Hannah getting punched by Jenny before the two crashing a fashion show and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after causing enough damage that could give Trump the rights to rebuild every skyscraper in New York, Matt tries to reason with the psycho trying to kill Matt’s true crush by saying “Hey, I’m not right for you but the person who loved you before you got the powers when the two of you had chemistry with in High School still cares so give him a second chance.” And that’s all that it took for G-Girl to stop her rampage and what do Matt and Hannah do to celebrate? Have another bed and manhood destroying night of Super Whoopie! And our movie ends with Hannah becoming a superhero alongside G-Girl and hopefully handling her in being a Superheroine. (Cut to the two just standing there)

TLOTA (Dubbing Matt): So now what do we do?

Paulo Fonseca (Dubbing Barry “Bedlam”): Kiss our careers and manhoods goodbye?

TLOTA (Dubbing Matt): Eh, might as well, my brother is gonna have a better career until Zoolander 2! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And that was “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”! It was bad but what’s worse is that it could’ve been better! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I mean this had potential. A romantic movie featuring Superheroes? Yeah! If the Superheroes in love are interesting. There is a reason why the romance between Lois Lane & Clark Kent works in most live action and animated versions because it allows them to have these moments together without having to be all schmaltzy. Hell, the romance in “The Incredibles” because this allows the heroes to have human emotions. But this has as much chemistry as Olive Oil and Nitroglycerine and what’s worse is that it had a great director in the director’s chair, Ivan Reitman! IVAN REITMAN! HE DID GHOSTBUSTERS 1 & 2, TWINS, KINDERGARDEN COP, BEETHOVEN! And he made this turkey?! WHAT HAPPENED?! But I can’t fault him for bad writing, bad acting and an overall good idea done wrong. (Cut to James physically as he sighs.)

TLOTA: But I still have two more months of schmaltz and schlock to deal with so let’s see what’s next on the docket. (James pulls out a clipboard before cutting to everyone else in the main lobby)

Eliza Dushku: Well, finally got these powers under control.

Olivia Horvath: And not a moment too soon.

Renee Miller: Just look at the guys. (Cut to Nick Yaun, Paulo Fonseca, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos & Eric Kurtzke laying down on a couch sucking on their thumbs as Rebecca warms up multiple bottles of Liquid I.Q. with her heat vision.)

Rebecca Yaun: There we go guys, drink it down and in a little while you’ll be back to normal! (A Door is slammed open as it cuts to James with an angered look on his face that can burn through lead!)

TLOTA: Everyone Please Leave…. NOW! (Cut to Rebecca carrying Nick and Paulo over her shoulders and running out the front door followed by Olivia Horvath carrying John & Mike Santos and running out the front door followed by Renee Miller carrying Eric Kurtzke and running out the front door and Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines run out the front door before cutting to James still with an angered look on his face as “Cry Little Sister” covered by “Aiden” play in the background before James starts walking to the backroom as it cuts to James’ boots turning from Tan to Black before cutting to James looking over a wall of weapons before grabbing one and then down the secondary hallway.)

TLOTA (Internal thoughts): My name… is James Benjamin Faraci. I am… an Internet Reviewer. I am… The Last Of The Americans. And I AM ABOUT TO MAKE THE DEVIL PAY HIS DUE! (James pulls out Chudnofsky’s Double Barreled Handgun before cutting to the DVD cover of “Valentine’s Day” as the Chorus of “Cry Little Sister” plays in the foreground before cutting to James with the look of “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!” before cutting to black.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Top 10 moments of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in 2016!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to James in his chair)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, the best description of 2016 is Bipolar and that's being nice! But this time around before we get to the Top 10 believe it not we've got some honorable mentions before we get started. So let's get to them! (Cut to clips of review and other moments that happened as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

The Rowdy and Friends Fantasy League Sketch) Meant to parody one of the biggest online league player trading scandals I was proud to be a part of this sketch just for the fact I could get to be onscreen and me getting to be onscreen even for a moment.

Tipsy Gentlemen: Passion Of The Christ 2, Bibleman Animated Series and Nostalgia Christian/Say Goodnight Kevin) Being honest as I could I wanted to share my thoughts on certain things and express myself onto a different forum and do so intelligently and I want thank Chris T. Ian for allowing me to be intelligent about my beliefs.

The Kick-Ass Review) Honestly this was meant to be done in November of 2015 but the timing I had at the time was bad as was the fact I hadn't done another "Different Cuts" in a while meant something had to be postponed this review had to be it but it did lead to a lot of great silly moments and started the "Mystery Of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans" storyline.

The Top 10 Good Things to come from Michael Bay's Transformers) Going in I knew these movies were not going to be Shakespeare and finding those ten moments were a freaking chore for me. But I got the Job done and it helped lead into something that made the top 10 list.

The Top 13 Buffy & Angel Episodes) To be honest not my best list but there were some great moments like when I did a "Bar Rescue" Sketch and was a great lead into..

The Tribute To The Magic Of David Copperfield) Something I felt I had to do for one of the first things I religiously tuned into as a kid and remembered and remains with me to remind me of how much of a kid at heart I still am!

The Disney Descendants April Fools Review) Having seen my friend's review on the DCOM. Doing this review straight would've driven me to drink! But I think having Nick play a Raoul Duke Esque character in order to do and say the things I didn't want to or could say without coming off like a knock off of The Rowdy Reviewer's version of the review.

The Five Things I disliked and liked about "Superman V Batman Dawn Of Justice") I had to break character to be honest with myself and with everyone I know who had seen this movie and I needed to say it the way I needed to talk about it!

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And seeing as how I broke character to talk about "Superman V Batman Dawn Of Justice" (James pulls out the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and unlocks the latch to the door that holds James' card and powers down and becomes James Faraci)

James Faraci: I got the five moments everyone else liked and I've got my five. It's time for the Top 10 Moments of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in 2016!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right andRebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it with the words "The Top ten moments" and underneath "The Last Of The Americans" is "Of 2016" then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number ten

10) This review is "Happening" hot stuff!

James Faraci (Voiceover): Knowing this movie had been reviewed to freaking death, I figure I'd be the one to actually bury reviewing this turkey for good! The Nostalgia Critic's review made it safe for me to review but after watching the movie I found myself laughing myself cuckoo! The movie was M. Night Shaymalan at his most doped up and it shows! Hell Mark Wahlberg was possibly the loudest voice as to how much he disliked this movie. But for me, the best parts of the review was the opening when I did a parody of the scene in Airplane when one of the passengers start to have a nervous breakdown. But instead of me acting crazy from fear, I was crazy from laughing and the fact everyone tried to calm me down the way they did then there was the mid-review sketch featuring Cinema Sins Jeremy and Alton Brown played by Nick Yaun was some of my most creative writing I did in a long time then there was the "What?! NO!" moment. I thought of some of the best questions I could think of and I needed to make a subtle add in to the "Mystery Of James Faraci" storyline I made for Eliza and to be honest the most notable moments in the movie just made my review easy but it was one of the best for me to enjoy and work on.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number nine

9) Jim vs "Jem"

James Faraci (Voice over): "Jem & The Holograms" was the movie that everyone and their GRANDPARENTS knew was dead on arrival! So for me personally I had no interest in reviewing it at all. But surprisingly it became one of my best reviews but how did this happen? Well we have the Blockbuster Buster to thank for this one. He had used a video of one of The Last Of The American's team members, Traci Hines if you need to know, in his review which got me wondering what it would've been like if Traci had seen it and how she'd like to get her revenge for knowing their video was nearly in this turkey. So yeah the star in this review wasn't The Last Of The Americans or the movie itself, it's Traci! That's right I gave her all the spotlight to be as funny and crazy as she needed to be on. However this one had it's fair share of problems. First off, The scheduled release date was supposed to be on September 12th! Several days after a scheduled crossover between my friend Rowdy, Writrzblok & The Cartoon Hero but that crossover was delayed due to conditions beyond normal conditions so to save my friend's backside I had to post my review first so I could save my friend's backside and posted mine first! But I want to once again thank Olivia Horvath for putting up with all the chaos in this review and helping me out with the technical details.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number eight

8) Highlander II The Different Cuts

James Faraci (Voice over): This one almost broke me! But it was worth the time and effort because WHOO NELLY watching just the theatrical cut alone was an endurance trial. Sitting through the fan cuts nearly sent me to the funny farm. But as you can tell the results were worth the time, effort and sanity plus having Spoony back the whole review in his own way made the experience all the more pleasurable! But the best parts was when I wrote for Eliza Dushku and her reactions to the comments Spoony made which I had to whisper to her because of obvious reasons. So letting Spoony know that even though he may have regained some respect and forgiveness from the Internet Reviewing community trust me no one will fully forget but I hope this does something to remind us we need to be careful in what we say and how we act and treat each other.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number Seven

7) All The "Peanuts" movies

James Faraci (Voice over): Partly inspired by my love of The Peanuts and the Specials and movies and partly inspired by The Nostalgia Critic's mini-reviews all of the Looney Tunes movies. I wanted to do something similar and for me I had all the material I needed and it was easy enough since last year The classic four movies that were made between 1969 & 1980 were made available on DVD & Blu-Ray and that made it much easier for me to do these reviews. But as I was watching them again I saw things differently. It was like looking at them for the first time and seeing them for how awesome they truly were and how much of an impact they had on me as not only as a fan of Peanuts but also a fan of animation in general and how much effort to make these movies and how they should be as appreciated as The Classic Disney animated movies are. The latest one I went with my nieces and because we did enjoy it I knew it was on par with the classic four so it was easy to know that it belonged on this and how much of an impact these movies would have on me. So Charlie Brown if you think I held that football long enough for you to kick it. You're most welcomed!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number six

6) The Three Months of Batman movies

James Faraci (Voice over): Not just my review of "The Dark Knight Rises" I'm talking about all three months of my work from the Bat-Months. The review of the 1966 Batman movie review was possibly the funniest review I had ever done. I always felt the more family friendly version of "Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker" was the one with the most depth and possibly did the job of telling the story better and trust me if I never watch "The Dark Knight Rises" it will be too damned soon! But I got some of the best story telling and by all accounts the best ending to a three month review arc! I wanted to show how far Batman has fallen and how far if he's done the right way he can truly rise and not in the way Christopher Nolan's movie made it out to be! (Cut to James and Team TLOTA emerging from the shadows and pulling out Megaforce Morphers and inserting their own cards with their own stats done by Stevie Swiggart and Powering up into a battle ready form as they walk on the rooftop of James’ office building as the wind blows in their faces as camera rises over the team to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as Batman "Finale" from the 1989 soundtrack plays in the foreground.)

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number five

5) The Big 3

James Faraci (Voice over): The Big 3 consists of my first big three reviews I did on Myspace before Myspace reformatted it site. These reviews consisted of Channel Awesome's Second, third and fourth year anniversary specials. Interweaving the ending of the storyline was something that was just incidental. However this also brought kind of a sense of closure to my past because now I could move forward and not feel like a chapter or three was missing. Also this IS also the last big several day Anniversary special and I think I did end it on a good note. A new Morpher for my card, a new look for my character and afterwards re-reviewing these a new perspective on where I've been and where I can now go from here on out.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Reality Checkout: Reality Romance

James Faraci (Voice over): This was something I wanted to get out of me! I mean I have NO love for this genre of "Television" it's an insult to intelligence. It's an insult to Romance in general. Reality Romance STILL to me remains one of the worst things humanity has brought upon itself and this is 2016! The Year we put Donald Trump into the Office of President! But yet somehow this still remains one of the worst things humanity has done! As far as I'm concerned it is a glorified meat market that takes the ones that with the least amount of substance and the most amount of filler without anything with taste. I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO SEE ALL THOSE INVOLVED TO SUFFER THE MOST HORRIBLE FATE EVER! I HOPE TO EVERY DEITY THAT HUMANS BECOME MORE INTELLIGENT AND SEND THIS GARBAGE BACK INTO THE DEPTHS FROM WHENCE IT CAME!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number three

3) The Ghostbusters 2016 review!

James Faraci (Voiceover): The first time I did a review of a movie at the time I did while it was in it's theatrical run and for me it was worth it. I wrote the review just as The Nostalgia Critic was doing his. Even though his review was on the now defunct Vessel.com a week before I could get mine out. And yes, I did copy some of The Critic's jokes like with the Meninists. But as where he just sat and heard all the arguing including that from the Meninists. I did something different! I shut those jackasses down by having Eliza Kiss and have her way with me! Then came the fact instead of me dealing with the arguments that had the internet ablaze all because James Rolfe said that he wasn't going to review the 2016 Ghostbusters movie! That's all he said but somehow it divided the Internet Reviewer community. I chose to stay in the middle of the road until I saw the movie and I actually thought the movie for the most part was Pretty Great. I found a lot for me to like and I found a lot for me to use for my review and it was for me one of the best from 2016 I did and I am grateful to everyone who knew I meant to be honest and I did better than the Nostalgia Critic in certain areas but he did better me with two little things. One was Jason Laws and the line "You've got a monkey in a religion" and the other was Aiyanna Wade! Somewhere in the back of my screwy cerebellum I started to think "Yeah she's kind of good looking!" and maybe I'm right for thinking that but something tells me I'm better off not pursuing a crush that might not give me the time of day. But I did one of my best reviews of the year with this one!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number two

2) The Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie Review

James Faraci (Voiceover): I SO WANT TO THANK GUS "THE NOSTALGIA KID" WEBB & CHRIS LEE "ROWDY C" MOORE SO VERY MUCH FOR DOING THIS WITH ME! Okay backstory behind this review. Gus was planning on doing a tribute to those on board the Satellite Of Love and the movies they had to sit through and that got me thinking about the movie they made and how I could do something to honor it. The best way I could think about it was to do my review in the same vein as an episode of MST3K. Having A Mad and an Assistant coming up with a way to torment me and my friends with a bad movie. And generally bad adaptations of our childhood favorites is the best way to piss Internet Reviewers off. But this was one of the rare ones that was awesome because it stayed true to what it was doing. And keeping the review in the same vein as Mystery Science Theater 3000 was definitely one of the reasons everyone myself included loved working on and checking out this review!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on itthen the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): And THE Number one moment everyone liked in 2016 about The Last of The Americans is...

1) "Star Wars: The Force Analyzed"!

James Faraci (Voiceover): Doing this was the most rewarding and subsequently the most fun I had writing on a subject that has been deemed untouchable but somehow I was able to encapsulate the universe of Star Wars and all of the delicate intricacies of that universe in order for me to explain why I liked the First six and in order to explain why I liked The Force Awakens. I made my own version of it because I couldn't do The Force Awakens any justice with a review. Making it in the same way The Nostalgia Critic talked about Mad Max Fury Road. Put myself into the experience of being in a universe just like Star Wars and talk about my experiences with the entire Star Wars movies while telling a great Star Wars esque story using other well known characters in Sci-Fi and boy did I succeed in that. It's the best moment of 2016 because for me it is the best review I've done! (Cut to clip of James Running to his Time and Space Device as Tray carries Tenn to the Falcon before cutting to footage of “The Day Of The Doctor” in which The 11^th Doctor shouts “GERONIMO!” The 10^th Doctor shouting “ALLONS-Y!” and The War Doctor saying “Ugh, For God’s Sake!” before cutting to see James’ Time and Space Device getting the hell out of Dodge as a gigantic explosion like experience happens! Before cutting to James in his office.)

James Faraci: So those were the Top 10 moments of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans of 2016. What does 2017 hold? (Cut to clips of future reviews as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): 2017 promises to be one of the biggest years for me with more Reviews, editorials and behind the scenes of the events featuring Team "The Last Of The Americans" and in addition to that a new summer series that will involve some series from the land down under created by a man named Jonathan M. Schiff. And Starting January a three month nightmare for me. A three month trek into hell called "Bad Romance". This and more will come in 2017 from James Faraci The Last Of The Americans (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: Now if you'll excuse me! (James grabs the Robo Knight Robo Morpher puts the card into the slot and punches the code 428 and morphs back into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I've got a ton of work to do! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I'll see you in 2017!