Monday, May 21, 2018

Reality Checkout: Cutting "Shore"

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and possibly 99.Ad infinitum percent of every Italian on this PLANET and a lot of yours
and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James physically.)


TLOTA:
Believe it or not I had this rolling around in my head ever since James Gandolfini had passed away. Originally I was going to ask whether or not the HBO drama "The Sopranos" were the worst thing to happen to New Jersey or Italians. Then I realized several things. One) "The Sopranos" whist set in New Jersey was as fictional as all get out, Two) I would be disrespecting Mr. Gandolfini's legacy by talking bad about his series and comparing it to what I'm about to talk about after I make my next point which leads to my final point, Three) This series is a bigger insult to Italians and New Jersey than "The Sopranos" EVER could be! (Cut to the opening credits of "Jersey Shore" then clips of the show as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Jersey Shore" focused on the lives of several young "Authentic Italians" from around the New York/New Jersey area who moved into a house on the New Jersey Shoreline and how they can blow a good portion of their week on being the biggest group of 
Idiotas as they could be! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I put the words "Authentic Italians" in quotation because most of the cast are as Italian as Tequila soaked Macaroni! (Cut to clips of certain cast members as James does a voiceover)


TLOTA (Voiceover):
That's right, less than Half of these people are actually of Authentic Italian heritage. Deena Cortese, Paul DelVecchio, Vinny Guadagnino & Michael Sorrentino are from Italian heritage. Cast members Sammi Giancolo is of Greek and Italian Heritage, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro is of Puerto Rican and Italian heritage, Former Cast member Angelina Pivarnick is of Polish and Italian descent and of course two of the biggest names from this pile of rotten Tiramisu Jennifer Farley is of Italian & Spanish Heritage and Nicole Polizzi is Adopted from Chile to a pair of Italians who are from Marlboro New York. Yes, for those wondering I've never met nor do I know of the Polizzis. They live in the tail end of Ulster County. I am from Sullivan County. If I ever did meet or know of them personally I'd be living with the shame of knowing their daughter became as big as she did.


(Cut to clips of other Reality Shows starring stars from "Jersey Shore" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Nicole or "SNOOKI" as she became known, yeah a few of the cast members had colorful little nicknames like "Snooki" or "Pauly D" and they appeared on other series. Some focusing on their lives like "Snooki & Jwoww" as it shows the two becoming parents, A few of them appearing on shows like "Dancing With The Stars" or "The Celebrity Apprentice" (Cut to their appearance on "The Three Stooges" movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
They even appeared in a movie in which they become self-aware about their own show. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So wait, they know that their show is garbage, they know they're garbage...OH MY GOD! THE REALITY STARS ARE SENTIENT! THIS IS IT MAN! GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER! END IT! END IT NOW! (James rambles as everyone tries to restrain him before cutting to a black screen and the words "Two Hours Later" then cutting to James physically)



TLOTA:
I apologize for my reaction, it was childish, immature and rather wrong of me but how'd you react to something like Reality Stars becoming self-aware of how bad they are? (Cut to more clips of "Jersey Shore" as James does a voiceover)


TLOTA (Voiceover):
And when a cast of a reality show becomes so self aware of what they're doing you know it'll be bad for the show. So much so, they did everything to keep the show fresh. Taking them out of their Jersey Shore house and summer job and make them go to Italy, New Orleans and other places until they wore their plausibility and when Snooki became pregnant, I think even MTV weren't interested or they wanted to get away from the stigma that this series was the only thing everyone was there to watch. The problem is that it was the train wreck that no one wanted to look away nor did they want to end. But end it they did only to prove that even if you think the bottom of the barrel by bringing in shows about Teen Parenthood and eventually a remake of it as Floridabama Shore and an even more eventuality a REBOOT! In which it shows a good Ninety-Eight Percent of the cast return to have their adults only vacation. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Mio Dio! How can there be that many Deficientes that can have such fond memories of this show. The only memory I have of watching this for about five chronotrons before I had to stop my TV from committing Suicidio. I truly think that we need to see everyone involved needs to dai un'occhiata su!


(Cut to opening credits before seeing a pic of Deadpool as he finds the entire cast then slices and dices them with him stamping the words "CHECK THE HELL OUT!" in the Jersey Shore text before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Sono Giacomo Faraci L'ultimo degli americani e questa รจ la mia opinione!


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