Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Christmas in the "Club"

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci riding with Santa on his sleigh, throwing snowballs, singing Christmas Carols with The Muppets, baking cookies, Waxing Rudolph’s red nose to add to the brightness and pal around with Frosty before fading away to see a picture of the North Pole Santa Workshop appears in the background as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Santa Christ appear in the foreground as all three stand as a Christmas Tree land over them and James Faraci stands alongside the Christmas tree with a smile on his face and in Holiday text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side as Jingling Bells and snow falls in the intro before cutting to a shot of stars whizzing past before winding up on a faraway planet with a red and green glowing atmosphere and in a title under the planet is the words “The Planet Blixbixbricabrac” before cutting to the interior of a hall filled with all sorts of alien life)
Alien (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
As ruler of The Planet Blixbixbricabrac, I am proud to pronounce Lady Myanamarashara as the proudest celebrator of the holiday known all over every galaxy in the ultraverse. (A crash is heard as James’ time and space device crashes into the hall as everybody looks up to see on the top of the device before cutting to the Top of the device where James Faraci is standing)
TLOTA:
CHHRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS! (Cut to the echo of James’ proclamation echoing all throughout the galaxy before cutting to the USS Orville as everyone in the crew’s head perks up to hear it.)
Capt. Ed Mercer:
What the hell was that?!
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson:
Sounded like a shout of excited exuberance
Dr. Claire Finn:
That must be one hell of a set of lungs.
Isaac:
According from the distance we heard the shout of excited exuberance it came from the Planet Blixbixbricabrac.
Lt. Commander Bortus:
It sounded like the word Christmas.
Lt. Alara Kitan:
That’s an old earth holiday isn’t it?
Lt. Gordon Malloy:
Yep and for many people myself included, it was a day for festive clothing, drinking and making whoopie!
Lt. John LaMarr:
Let’s not forget awesome food and presents, parties as inhibitions fall away. (The sound of James’ Space & Time Device materialized inside the bridge of The Orville and everyone turns to see James)
TLOTA:
And you guys forgot the TV Specials and movies! (Cut to clips of Holiday movies and specials as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The amazing movies, specials and tv episodes that are more prevalent this time. Last year I talked about twelve that everyone even The Nostalgia Critic had forgotten existed and since then a lot of people have found and rediscovered. (Cut to James physically as he wears a Santa hat.)
TLOTA:
But one special on my list surprised people because they had barely heard of the people in the special. (Cut to clips of the Shows starring and Music Videos of S Club 7 as James does a voiceover and “S Club Party” plays in the foreground)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
For the 95% of the people here in the states who missed the music of the late 1990’s and Early 2000’s there was a flood of pop music and one band that were underdogs who clawed tooth and nail to be as recognized as equals was a pop group known as the S Club 7. Their music was catchy and looking back they deserved to top the charts when Backstreet, Britney and NSYNC were topping the Billboard Charts plus the members had talent. There was Tina Barrett the best dancer and in my opinion, was one of the best vocalists in the band. Next up Hannah Spearitt she was the little spunky one that had boys becoming men and men fighting for her. Then there was Rachel Stevens the fashion plate and the second most used female vocalist in the band. Finally, the most used vocalist in the female equation of the band Jo O’Meara. She was the one who was tough as nails if you got on her bad side but there were moments where her sillier nature shined through. On the male side of the equation we have Bradley McIntosh basically the goofball and lovable lunkhead of the group and he was the primary male vocalist for the band. Next on the male side is Paul Cattermole he’s the guy that the ladies flocked to get away from but he’s a decent singer and his footwork is fine and the final member of the group Jon Lee he’s the guy that you think would attract the ladies and the guys if he didn’t act so stupid at times, though after the band split he came out and that’s fine all hope and positive power to him. While internationally they were successful musically, State side they couldn’t catch a break even if they had cut proof gloves to grab the shards. While the TV Series they did lasted four seasons the albums sold about as much as Brian Austin Green’s album. In 2003 the S Club 7 called it quits. But not before reaching number 10 on the Pop Singles charts here in a Pre-9/11 Stateside with “Never Had A Dream Come True”. Why am I giving you all this backstory? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that way you’ll have a better understanding why their Christmas Special wound up in the number four spot in my list of 12 little known Christmas Specials. (Cut to the Opening Credit of “S Club 7: Christmas Special” as “Perfect Christmas” by S Club 7 plays in the foreground then cut to clips of the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While like a certain more infamous special this one does have little about the holiday. Unlike the infamous special I found this special really entertaining. The acting is great, the music while full of 2000 pop is quite enjoyable, the story has heart and while the video quality is equal to that of a hand-held camcorder I can say without irony, snark or any of the usual Internet Reviewer tropes that this special is better than everyone who gives this special and the band the little to no recognition. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And seeing as how I’ve got a few hours before my annual Christmas party gets into full swing let’s check out the S Club 7 Christmas Special. (Cut to the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As our special begins we meet a music promoter looking for the next big musical band and consults a psychic for where to look. (The Psychic tells the Record exec about the S Club 7 before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well tell me can you see how successful they’ll be? (Cut to Olivia dressed and looking exactly like the psychic in the special)
The Psychic:
I foresee in this band one hit on this side of the pond. But internationally their success will be equal to the pop stars that have more than one hit and in May of 2015 they will successfully reunite for a month-long tour though they Americans must pay an arm and a leg just to see their reunion tour. (Olivia looks up into the camera)
Olivia Horvath:
That’s not even me making a prediction that is exactly what happened. (Cut to the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile our seven friends from across the pond The S Club 7 are working a Mall Santa job and preparing for one last gig to pay for a return trip to the England after two seasons and three other specials of working hard and getting nowhere decide a return trip home could give them a recharge to remind them of their goal of making it big and being successful. While working the Mall Santa job Hannah finds an Elf to her liking while Tina finds being a Reindeer’s Backside a pain especially since she’s seeing Paul’s tuchus. After dealing with bratty kids who would’ve sued the pants off the people who work at the mall. The S Club 7 decide to a few hours break at the beach right behind the music promoter who is using his assistants to find them, however if he turned around he would see them right behind him Problem solved but the guy has his poor assistant climb a wall promoting the band’s final performance in Los Angeles for the next few months and wind up in heavy traction! (Show clip of assistant as she tells the music promoter what happened to her Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
WOW! That poor girl having been through so much and her boss being a piece of… (James snapping his fingers) what’s the right word without cursing and being angry. (Cut to different clips of the S Club 7 saying the word Parp! Before cutting to James physically) That’s the word. (Cut to the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After one customer’s complaining brat forces the mall owner’s hand he has no choice but to fire the whole lot of them. (Show clip of the S Club 7 being fired and the mall owner then telling the customers to have a Merry Christmas before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
I doubt that the kids and parents would be happy to hear that the Mall Owner fired Santa!
 (Cut to a line of adults played by everyone in Team TLOTA with little kids as the audio of the Mall owner firing everyone in Santa’s Village before the kid James has played by Vivian Lee Faraci says “Uncle Jimmy did the mall owner fire Santa?” and James replies “I think he just fired all of Santa’s Village” and everyone overhear the two as the line of adults and kids get upset and tosses their packages before cutting to the commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting then same moment returns to the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After getting the boot from the mall the S Club 7 get ready for their gig after Hannah and her Santa’s Village buddy’s brief fling call it quits. Paul, Hannah and Bradley go get the plane tickets before picking up the others if not for their car’s faulty brake system (Show the car crashing before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well I hope one of them had a cell phone to call the others and let them know what’s going on. (Cut to the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sufficive to say no one calls not even an on-looker. They discover the others were in an accident on their way to the gig! Tina, Rachel, Jo and Jon make it to the hospital and discover that Bradley was lucky with minor cuts and bruises and Hannah and Paul got the worst of it as Hannah occasionally will be scrambling or repeating what she just said and as for Paul… well. (Show moment in which Paul says he doesn’t remember them before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
At least they plan on bringing him back home for the holidays maybe that’ll jog his memory! (Cut to the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
But before Peg can say to Al “Not So Fast”, The doctor who is treating Paul says that traveling would not be good. With no choice the others decide to cancel their gig much to the chagrin of the music promoter and stay with Paul in Los Angeles as he recuperates and tries to remember his friends and his past sacrificing Christmas with their families and a chance to go home. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And… I must admit; this moment puts a tear to my eye. Because THAT IS A LEVEL OF LOYALTY VERY FEW BANDS WOULD EVER HAVE! TO SACRIFICE A CHANCE TO GO HOME TO STAY WITH A FRIEND IN NEED! THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO SALUTE THE S CLUB 7! (James stands up and begins a slow clap that slowly reaches the others in Team TLOTA before cutting to Rowdy as he claps as well, before cutting to Antoni Mattei Garcia as he claps as well, before cutting to Stevie Swiggart as he claps as well then cutting to everyone in the cast and crew of “Life As A Mermaid” as Cambell Dodson gets so exuberantly excited he strips down to his underwear and dumps a five gallon water bucket over himself then cutting to everyone in the Reviewerverse and Manic Expression as they clap before cutting to the special as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as you come down from that moment of heart. The others try to help Paul remember by reminding the songs they performed and all the moments from the special they had before this one. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And as a Christmas bonus I shall quickly go through that one to show you how it connects. (Cut to clips of “S Club 7: Artistic Differences” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Following the end of their second season as the band decides to hit the road and hope for the best they get towed back to the city of Angels as apparently their car broke down and the others blamed Bradley for it. Bradley decided to join a boyband for extra money. That rubbed Paul the wrong way forcing Bradley to leave S Club 7. They held auditions and Rachel fell head over heels for a fellow while working in a restaurant and she nearly left the band until he’s discovered to be a charlatan and married. Paul and Bradley make up and the band competes in a battle of the bands winning the necessary cash to fix the car. “Artistic Differences” was okay and I liked the story and how everything ended well for the band. But I digress.
(Cut to “S Club 7: Christmas Special” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As the band prepares to celebrate the holiday together we get their holiday song that didn’t even get one second of radio airplay! Not even during this holiday season. Meanwhile as Paul and an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair have a conversation about how their memories are shot, the elderly gentleman and Paul don’t talk for long as… well this must be seen to understand the gravity of the situation. (Show the elderly gentleman heading downhill into a fountain and the elderly gentleman says he forgot to put on the brakes which causes Paul to aimlessly wander around.) The memories start to come back to Paul just as the music promoter nearly runs Paul down and Paul tells the music promoter that he’s in the S Club 7. The music promoter meets up with the others and the special ends with yet ANOTHER song that got so little airplay that it’d surprise anyone if they remember the song. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was the S Club 7 Christmas Special. Just like the band and their music they deserved better because THIS WAS JUST AMAZING! (Cut to clips of “S Club 7: Christmas Special” as “Perfect Christmas” by S Club 7 plays in the foreground then cut to clips of the special as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The Story while having moments where things get silly even by Christmas Special standards, you can tell everyone was enjoying making the special. The acting is amazing, the music is that perfect amount of 2000’s cheese and all I can say is that there was a reason I put it on my Top 12 Little Known Christmas specials because the special there was a great amount of heart and effort in making a great Christmas Special and it shows. You can find it on Youtube and after doing some research it is available on DVD though it is through third party retailers regents free and I HIGHLY suggest you give this special a watch and make it a part of your usual Holiday Specials. (Cut to the others at James’ door.)
Ed Champion:
Say James, the party is about to get into gear.
Andrew Beach:
The thing is, we’re light on the drinks. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Say no more, I’m on it. But before I head out for drinks, why doesn’t everybody get over here. Come on in, I don’t want to do this on my own. (Everyone circles around James)
TLOTA:
On behalf of everyone here at Team The Last Of The Americans we want to thank you for checking out our reviews, our move to Manic-Expression.com and to everything good that happened to my team and myself this year I thank everyone for checking us out. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.
Everyone (In Unison):
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! (Fade to black before cutting to the middle of the party as everyone enjoys themselves and James accidentally bumps into Julia Alexa Miller.)
TLOTA:
Oh, Excuse me! ALEX! (Julia Alexa Miller turns to James)
Julia Alexa Miller:
James, again thanks for taking Taylor and Marcella to the con.
TLOTA:
Did what they say happen?
Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, the whole kit & caboodle.  (James groans in regret before Julia gives James a reassuring touch that he did good which makes James smile and quietly whisper "Thank you" and Julia whispered "You're Welcome" in response)


TLOTA:
Would you care to join me for a bottle of Martinelli’s later?
Julia Alexa Miller:
Absolutely. (Johnny Berchtold bumps into James and Julia as Johnny is holding a kid)
Johnny Berchtold:
Whose is this?
TLOTA:
Vivian Lee! What are you doing bugging Mr. Berchtold?
 Vivian:
Uncle Jimmy, put me down first! (James puts Vivian down) Second, I thought he was the Smelthead.
TLOTA:
Lovebug, that is Mr. Berchtold his character is called “The Barnacle King”.
Vivian:
But I heard you call him “Smelthead”.
TLOTA:
No Vivian, his character I call a Smelthead because his plans were wrong and would’ve hurt kids like you and adults like Poppy and Grammy Faraci and Storey and would’ve hurt a lot of plants and  animals. You understand there, kiddo? (Vivian nods her head to signal yes.) Okay, why don’t I take you over to Madison and Mallory. In the meanwhile, … Alex, A gift for you. (James hands Julia Alexa Miller an envelope and walks away Julia Alexa Miller reads aloud what is in the envelope)
Julia Alexa Miller:
“Julia, I want to celebrate the continued success of your show “Life As A Mermaid” and to do so I’d like to do a countdown of my favorite moments from the show so far on March 29th 2018 with your permission of course” Oh James, you amazing person.  (Cut to Rowdy as he talks to Marcella DiPasquale and Taylor Huff.)
Rowdy:
So I tried the Rideshare thing he turned out to be an ambulance chasing lawyer who would take any case for a few million bucks even worse I missed the game.
Taylor:
Wait, I heard about you.
Rowdy:
Well you may have heard about my long running review series TV Trash and if you two are wrestling fans I have my monthly podcast called “The Rasslin’ Roundup”.
Marcella:
Could that be it or that story about that ultra-driver who…
Rowdy:
Never gonna live that down, am I? YES, I was the numbskull who mistook flour for the other portion of the Columbian Economy. The portion that isn’t anything legal!
Taylor:
That’s it. What were you thinking?
Rowdy:
I wasn’t
Marcella:
Relax, we’ve all made decisions that came back to bite us on the tail and in mine and Taylor’s case it’s not a pun.
Rowdy:
Huh? Oh, yeah now I get it. (Julia Alexa Miller walks over to Taylor, Marcella and Rowdy.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Hey there, So James told me you’re working on making it as a writer or an entertainer. You know I’ve been thinking, we need another writer on the staff and if you have any characters to add to our cavalcade they’d be a welcomed addition. We start production soon, let me know if you are interested.
Rowdy:
Okay, I’ll let you know soon. (Cut to Paulo, Brenda, Rebecca, Nick and The Nostalgia Kid having a chat)
Paulo:
What a year it’s been! I thought we weren’t gonna make it.
Brenda:
But we did, and I must admit being here has been fun! The Wonder Woman Review in which I was an Amazon and Dr. Poison was enjoyable. Then there was Sister Kimberly of St. Zordon’s Basilica. Reminded me of a few times when I was in school.
The Nostalgia Kid:
How I was able to pull off my character in the Power Rangers Review was interesting. I know NOTHING about the Power Rangers, so James had to basically spoon feed me. Though seeing James beat the living daylights out of Michael Myers and then see James drop kick Michael Myers into a wood chipper was kind of cathartic in comparison to my review.
Nick:
Well seeing you reenact the infamous “Ace Ventura Crying Game” moment was HILARIOUS!
Rebecca:
We kind of had that in mind to calm James down but we were distracted.
The Nostalgia Kid:
Yeah, I know. Trust me, there is a reason I’m a straight reviewer with the odd sketch in it. Does James have any reason to keep this storyline going? I told him it wasn’t gonna be easy for him or me, but it will happen. Why is James doing this? How old is he, in the mid 20’s?
Rebecca, Nick, Brenda and Paulo (In Unison):
Closer to 40!
The Nostalgia Kid:
Doesn’t look it or Act it. (Cut to John, Mike, Andrew, Ed, Eric, and Cambell Dodson)
Cambell:
So this is a holiday tradition for everyone to come here, have a good time and forget the bad points of the year?
Ed:
Yep, just a friendly get together for everyone. I see you met a few people.
Cambell:
Who’s the one guy dressed like Sherlock Holmes meeting a stand-up comedian meeting a lawyer.
Andrew:
If the color of the clothes were brown, then it’s Linkara.
Cambell:
Linkara, Interesting name. Okay the guy with the Hat, Glasses, T-Shirt, Red tie and Blue Jeans.
John:
He’s the Nostalgia Critic, He remembers it, so we don’t have to and the guy next to him is Malcolm and that’s Tamara.
Mike:
That is Antoni Mattei Garcia, real decent guy, real super knowledgeable in Operatic, Classical and all known Musicals.
Eric:
The lady dressed in gothic gear with the hipster and their kid is The Maven Of The Eventide, Paw and the kid’s name Gray. The Bald guy in black is The Cinema Snob. The Tall guy with the black hair and goatee is Phelous and he’s with Obscurus Lupa. That’s Chris T. Ian The Captivating Christian next to The Media Whiz. A lot of them are from other sites. It wouldn’t hurt to get to know who they are by asking
Cambell:
Thanks For the tip.  (Cut to Renee, Olivia and Maria Feist)
Renee:
So Maria, what is your show about?
Maria:
The title is obvious. “Life As A Mermaid” and it’s about this mermaid, her sister, her friends and all the misadventures as they try to traverse the modern world and I play one of The mermaid’s reluctant friends.
Renee:
Oh, so where is it?
Maria:
On YouTube
Olivia:
Renee, why don’t you get James and see if he’s ready to make a toast.
Renee:
Right.
Olivia:
I’m sorry for Renee.
Maria:
That’s cool. But maybe it’s me but Julia is tickling James’ fancy.
Olivia:
After every setback he’s been through this year, it’s a miracle he’s still standing and not in the funny farm. (Olivia turns to see James and Julia laughing together and seeing they’re under the mistletoe before cutting to Olivia) And I think 2018 for the two of them will be… FANTASTIC! (Cut to James as he taps his bottle of Martinelli’s)
TLOTA:
Can I have everyone’s attention? (Cut to different in James’ studio as James speaks)
TLOTA (Audio only):
For many of us 2017 was one of our better years. For many myself included it was insanely bad. There were times when many of us felt we weren’t gonna make it, but the proof is in the human spirit. It can endure and survive the most trying of hardships. So, let us today celebrate the endurance of the human spirit. Let us celebrate the good of the year. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
So today I ask that you make this resolution for 2018. To make 2018 a year of good! A year where we not only celebrate good but we all do something good no matter how small the amount of good we do make it count.  And for some who think that 2018 will be the end, let me say this if this to be our end then let us celebrate that end by reminding ourselves that good will eventually return. To 2018: The Year of Good! (Cut to the crowd as they raise their bottles or glasses and say either “To 2018” or “To The Year Of Good” before cutting to James as he raises his bottle to say “To The Year of Good” before cutting to black.)