Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Ring My "Bell"s

(A Hand pulls out a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James Faraci and Olivia Horvath in the backroom looking over names before James tells Olivia to take over for a bit)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As You can tell, I’ve been busy as all get out! (Audio of everyone else shouts “NO KIDDING!” before cutting to the rest of the team as they give James the Stinkeye.)
Eric Kurtzke:
We’ve been around so many kids I feel we’re becoming a school!
John Ross Santos:
The Kitchen is officially out of food and if it weren’t for the locks these kids would be into the things even you don’t touch!
Paulo Fonseca:
The toilet’s backing up again!
Nick Yaun:
I’m on it!
Renee Miller:
Are we becoming a daycare center? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Guys I told you, Disney is preparing their next Sequel series and this time it’s for Even Stevens. Here’s the scenario Ren is now working for the President and her husband works in the White House as well they have two kids and with a third on the way and with Ren’s Parents now in a condo in Boca Raton enjoying retirement and Donnie taking care of his kids and since the divorce with Tawny was settled Ren and her husband is now saddled with taking care of Lewis as well and all the wacky adventures that happens in Washington DC. Heck they even have a Return of Loomis episode. (Cut to everyone else)
Mike Santos:
Just how much longer will we be putting up with this?
Ed Champion:
Not much longer, otherwise we WILL be auditioning for The Nostalgia Critic!
Andrew Beach:
Ed, you just told him our escape plan you nimrod!
Brenda Fonseca:
Just why are you doing this, I thought you, Disney, Shia LaBeouf and Christy Romano were about as compatible as Oil, Water and Nitroglycerin! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yeah, I know me, Christy, Shia and the Mouse Eared Regime have had our differences but I’m willing to put my disdain aside for the sake of the show, I am willing to put all my differences aside and make the series a success. (Cut to the others)
The Others (In Unison):
A healthy payday? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
How did you figure it out?
Olivia Horvath (Off-Screen):
Told them an hour before they got here. A Cool three quarters of a mil! (Cut to the others)
The Others (In Unison):
Really?! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yes, I got three quarters of a mil, but after taxes, paying for your services and all other expenses including paying off my family’s house’s mortgage I’ve got exactly $428.00 left that’s going into my savings account! Nice enough to pay off all the rest of the bills here. But to me, it’s not about the money, it’s about getting exposure for us and re-exposing people to a classic group of characters and if it lasts it’ll add to the show’s legacy. (Cut to titles of sequel series/spin off series/rebooted series as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And to be honest shows like this RARELY work. Sometimes it’s either just too unknown to newer audiences, it can’t escape the legacy of the original or sometimes everything that worked in the original misses the mark with newer audiences or the show themselves shoot themselves in the foot by insulting and attacking what made the original series work in the first place. But when these sequels series, spin off Series or reboots fail, let’s just say I sometimes wait for online reviewers to go after these shows to remind me what I liked about the original series. But with Hollywood and TV becoming more and more desperate to stay relevant, they are willing to reboot ANY show they can to revive the Nostalgia of shows from yesteryears! But back when I was younger, some series didn’t even wait for the first series was over and left to stay in Syndication Purgatory for networks to reboot series. (Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
Case in point, “Saved By The Bell”! (Cut to the opening of “Saved By The Bell” then clips of the show as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
If you’ve seen The Nostalgia Critic’s review of the series, then you know that the show in his opinion was too cheesy, too lame and just flat out offensive to anyone with intelligence rivaling Tapioca Pudding! But in all honesty, it wasn’t that harmful in the grand scheme of things and as people have discovered it was retooled after the series it originally was entitled “Good Morning Miss Bliss” failed on The Disney Channel the show is not that bad in comparison to some shows that just insult intelligence now a days. However, by 1993 “Saved By The Bell” was on its way out, but NBC had big plans for the series even though the series now had competition from within from shows like California Dreams and Hang Time and had competition from rival networks with FOX and The Power Rangers. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But that didn’t stop the Peacock network from trying with two shows bearing the name of “Saved By The Bell”. (Cut to the opening Credits of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” & “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” then clips of both shows as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
“Saved By The Bell: The College Years” & “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” (Chuckles unenthusiastically) Yeah, neither one of these shows were as good or as memorable as the show that started it and you can tell they were really trying too hard to keep something that was a perfect little time capsule of the late 1980’s and Early 1990’s around a while longer and yeah it is painful now a days to sit through but you know they tried and wow did these fail to recapture ANYTHING from the original show not saying the original show is Shakespeare but in comparison to what came after it, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez and Tiffani Thiessen should thank their lucky stars they’ve been able to have stay relevant! (Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA:
So, I’ll try to get through BOTH shows as painlessly as possible and I’ll start with the one that got its quick end that thankfully saved more than the bell, it may have saved some of the actors’ careers. “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” (Cut to clips of the pilot of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as our pilot… WAIT A SECOND! (James jumps into the video, grabs a still of the character of Zack’s head from the last season of “Saved by The Bell” and plants next to the still of Zack in the pilot of “Saved By The Bell”)
TLOTA:
GUYS! (Everyone else looks at the two different hairstyles before turning around)
Everyone (Singing In Unison):
One of these things is not like the other! (Cut back to clips of the pilot of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow, we discover Zack, Screech and Slater are now dorm mates at fictional California University across from… (James groans audibly as it cuts to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, tell us who is the replacement for which character sans any likability or originality or creativity? (Cut to a still of the three original actresses as three dings are heard and the under the Character played by Essence Atkins and the words “Replacement Lisa Turtle”, under the Characters played by Anne Tremko and Kiersten Warren the Words “Replacement Jessie/Kelly” under both before cutting to the pilot as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow as Zack, Slater and Screech settle in with Replacement Lisa, Jessie and Kelly we’re introduced to their R.A. Mike Rodgers played by former NFL superstar Bob Golic and makes it clear that this isn’t Bayside and he ain’t Mr. Belding as they struggle to get through the first week of College in this yeah, the “We’re trying too hard to be better than the original series and yet keep our core audience” meter is going through the roof. But after the pilot aired people complained that they missed the original girls, Gee I wonder why that could be. So, by some miracle of the Peacock network they were able to get Tiffani Thiessen to reprise the role of Kelly and wrote out Essence Atkins’ Character when the series premiered in the fall of 1993 in Primetime. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now I know you’re wondering two things. One, why didn’t Lisa and Jessie appear in the show and two, why was the show in Primetime and the answers are simple. (Cut to clips of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The reason the show was on primetime was because of the Syndication success the series was having and surprisingly still has this day and NBC tried to piggyback the success of the Syndication into the Primetime market and guess what “The College Years” BOMBED BIG TIME because it went up against Rescue 911 and Full House and do you know what happened, people went to see William Shatner and the Olsen Twins over Zack, Slater and the others’ wacky hijinks in college. As for why Lisa and Jessie didn’t appear well… Lisa does appear in the final episode. Yeah, the show got axed after 19 episodes. As for why Jessie Spano never appeared it’s because her actress Elizabeth Berkley was doing something else at the time. It was called disappearing off the face of the Earth for a while. Why? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
This is why… (Cut to the cover of the DVD of “Showgirls” as the losing horn from “The Price Is Right plays in the background before cutting to “Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Jessie does make a very brief cameo in the a reunion movie that acts as a finale to “The College Years” dubbed “Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas” this movie has your standard Road Trip and Romantic Wedding movie clichés all in one and is the second of the two movies featuring the cast and by the end of “Wedding in Las Vegas” Zack & Kelly say their “I Do”s and as they ride off into the sunset the entire franchise should’ve ended but it didn’t because of another show that aired in “Saved By The Bell”’s old timeslot.  (Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA:
And sadly, it also bears the same name just in a different “Class” in the title! But we’ll get into that after the break. (The phone rings as James signals for one moment.) Hello, Oh hey yes, The Casting process is going well.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and cutting to the opening credits to “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” then clips to the show as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The same year the failed Prime-Time attempt to bring “Saved By The Bell” back. NBC successfully did so with the series “Saved By The Bell: The New Class”. (Chuckles unenthusiastically) Their first season had literally nothing interesting, not even the “New” Characters were interesting and I put the word “New” in quotations because the “New” characters were nothing but knock offs of the original characters. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
It’d be like me bringing in someone else and calling him the same character and not even trying to do something different and going by another name. Isn’t that right Ed? (Cut to Douglas Yaun playing Ed Champion.)
Ed Champion (Played by Douglas Yaun):
Yeah, I hear where you’re coming from, just how much longer will this casting crap keep going on. (Cut to Tom Dittmar playing James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)
TLOTA (Played by Tom Dittmar):
It’ll be over soon. (Cut to clips of “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” as The Real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The only person who went from the original series to “The New Class” was Dennis Haskins and his character Mr. Belding however after the failure of “The College Years” the producers were somehow able to convince Dustin Diamond to return to being Screech for the remainder of the run of “The New Class” and most of the new characters had as much of a shelf life as decade old batteries, meaning the cast were changed and changed often. But something happened as I watched some of the episodes. There were some themes and episodes that stuck out like anti-smoking, teen pregnancy and whatnot and they seemed to be interesting that is until I remembered the first time “Saved By The Bell” did something like that and well, just be glad I’m text instead of video because if I were to subject you to a certain clip, I’d be in violation of the Internet Creators Guild! But what surprised me as a Power Rangers fan was the fact that Amy Jo Johnson was in an episode and she had the hots for of all people… Screech! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I’ve got no joke! That is how strange that moment was! I have got NOTHING! (Cut to clips of “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
By the end of the fifth season I could see the show’s writers were starting to run on vapors of fumes. Even one of the characters’ names was uninspired seriously there was a character named Maria Lopez (Chuckles unenthusiastically). Eventually after seven years the show ended with a Pfft! The cast had “Graduated” and Mr. Belding became the Dean of his Alma Matter leaving Screech well… let’s say the less said about Dustin Diamond, the Better! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So That was “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” and “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” and if you thought the original show was a chore to sit through, then I triple dog dare you to sit through both of these and then complain about the cheesiness of the original show! (Cut to clips of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” & “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I guarantee you. You will find Zack’s original schemes a hundred times more interesting here than something some unknown character did that feels like a knock off from the original show. When not just one series but two series made me pine for the days of the overacting of Elizabeth Berkley “Hopped Up on Caffeine Pills” you have taken lame to Supercalifragilisticexpialiuberfail levels even the 2015 “Jem & The Holograms” movie can’t even reach! Yeah, I went there! If you for some truly bizarre reason you want to check either series, well you better try bootlegged episodes on Youtube for “The New Class” because the DVDs are out of print and is not syndicated and surprisingly “The College Years” is folded into the original series’ Syndication packet and is on DVD. Otherwise do yourself a favor and try to enjoy something more intelligent, like watching paint drying! (Cut to James in his office as he picks up the phone.)
TLOTA:
Hello, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans speaking! Uh-huh, uh-huh, Christy Romano would rather cover herself in Gasoline than work with me, Shia LaBeouf is no longer available due to other commitments, Pilot and series officially dead! Okay, I just paid off a lot of debts with the payday, am I on the hook financially to repay the three quarters of a mil? I am? Okay. Thanks for telling me the news. Right, right It was my pleasure to work with your fine organization albeit briefly. Yes, okay goodbye! (The audio of the door being knocked is heard as James turns around after slamming the phone onto the receiver.) WHAT?! (Cut to Olivia Horvath at the door.)
Olivia Horvath:
Did I just hear the project is dead? (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
As everyone who died in 2016! (Cut to Olivia Horvath at the door.)
Olivia Horvath:
All I needed to hear (Olivia whistles) Okay guys turn them loose! (A small stampeding noise is heard as the camera shakes and it cuts to James as he tries to hold everything together)
TLOTA:
As soon as the crowd clears out I’ll be busy cleaning up the place! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion! (A loose piece of wood from above James clocks him in the head then cuts to James, Paulo, Brenda, Rebecca and Nick cleaning up and restocking the place.)
TLOTA:
Thanks for helping me with the clean-up!
Brenda Fonseca:
No problem James. You know we haven’t heard from Felicia as of late. Everything good between the two of you?
TLOTA:
Not really. She’s been busy having her own life and I’m not sure where we stand and I told her I think it might be best until things are more stable sanity wise and world wise. When everything is stable then we’ll talk and see where we stand.
(Cut to Paulo and Nick)
Paulo:
That’s James for “We are going nowhere and by the end of the year, She and I will be over”
Nick:
You got that from all of James just saying, “He wasn’t sure!” wow you are good. (Cut to James and Rebecca)
TLOTA:
What it means is I want to move forward and she wants to move forward but we need to find stable points in our individual lives before we move forward as a couple and if it happens, it’ll happen. Not gonna rush things and just take our time.
Rebecca Yaun:
Good for you.  (James accidentally knocks over the mop bucket)
TLOTA:
Crap, I’ll clean up the last bit of the mess. You guys lock things up and I’ll see you guys in October! (James walks away into the broom closet before a whisper saying “Hope” catches the ears of Rebecca, Nick, Paulo and Brenda.)
Brenda Fonseca:
You guys hear that?
Paulo Fonseca:
If you heard a whisper saying “Hope” then I know I’m not the only crazy one.
Nick Yaun:
If that whisper says, “If we build it, they will come” I’m heading to the funny farm in a wraparound jacket and all! (A whisper says, “You must be his hope!”)
Rebecca Yaun:
I think we may join you, honey. (The four of them walk into James’ office as the four of them look at “The Letter” and it glows and the whisper becomes louder as it says “You must be his hope! He has no faith in hope! Restore his faith in hope! Be his hope!” before James says off screen “HEY!” before the four of them turn to see James in the doorway.)
TLOTA:
I just had to lock up everything up because I thought you guys had left! Is everything alright? (Cut to the four of them in James’ office as they say either “Yeah” or “Yep” or “We’re fine” or “It’s all good” before cutting to James looking at the four of them)
TLOTA:
Okay, guys do me a favor please try and be ready we’ve got a “Different Cuts Of Halloween 6” coming up in October and I don’t need you guys going all screwy on me!  (Cut to the others in James’ office)
Nick Yaun:
James, we’re fine, it’s not like we’re hearing crazy whispers or anything like that. (Paulo, Brenda and Rebecca smack Nick upside the head before cutting to James)
TLOTA:
Riiiiight, listen I’ll have ORAC set up the security lockdown. Why don’t you head on out? I’ll see you in a few weeks. (James walks away before cutting to the others)
Rebecca Yaun:
Nick, you numbskull! If we tell James we’ve been hearing whispers from the letter we will be thrown into the nuthouse.
Nick Yaun:
I’m sorry but I couldn’t keep everything from him.
Paulo Fonseca:
Look James is barely hanging on as is. This might send him over the edge we need to speak to Olivia but she’s busy trying to raise the three-quarters mil to pay off the Disney Channel so until she returns we need to keep this to ourselves. Brenda that includes you in our little secret.
Brenda Fonseca:
Mi Marido. (Brenda kisses Paulo) ¡Te lo prometo, lo mantendré entre los cuatro!
Paulo Fonseca:
Muchismo Gracias Brenda.  (The four of them head out unsure of what to say and head out of the office.)