Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Top Ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. When you look into the faces of say Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone,Jet Li, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan, Danny Trejo, Bruce Lee and of course Chuck Norris (Cut to a fireworks display as an image of Chuck Norris is shown in front of it as a Chorus sings "A CHUCK NORRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!" before cutting to James physically) Okay that was weird but regardless when you look at them you know one thing. (Cut to clips of them blowing everything up and being bad ass heroes as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): These people are gonna kick ass blow everything up around them and save the day! When they see their own blood, they're like "PFFFFT, Whatever, I've got a few hundred necks to snap, a bomb to waste the bad guys with and a town of people to adore over me as I go on a rampage that Real Law officials would NOT approve of and have me arrested for." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But you know what? If I were to show you a few images of people who aren't as Bad Ass as those guys I'm willing to bet you would say the following (Show images of Rory Williams from "Doctor Who", Bob Ross, Lieutenant Olivia Benson from "Law & Order SVU", Carter Grayson from "Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue", Katara from "Avatar The Last Airbender" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Pfft, look at these white bread, boring, dull, lifeless Mary Sues and Gary Stews they're dumbasses in distress and they're gonna need the bad asses to save their sorry backsides." (Cut to "Superman Returns" clip of Lex Luthor shouting "WRONG!" before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Well Put "Superman Returns" Clip! These guys are the real bad asses! (Cut to clips of some unexpected bad assery done by these unsuspecting bad asses as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If I was in a dark alleyway and I saw Rory Williams coming my way, I'd head back in the opposite direction in tears crying for my mommy! If Carter Grayson were to kick my sorry backside I knew I'd have it coming! If Katara got her hands on me, I'd be a friggin pretzel!

So to salute them I'm counting down the top ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters in TV and in Films.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Grab a first aid kit, make out your will and pray these people never find you these are the Top Ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters! (Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:00-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background as the words "The Top  Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters!" before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Ten

10) The ladies from Netflix series "GLOW"  (Cut to clips of the Netflix Series "GLOW" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me say this now, I actually liked this series, it's very loosely based on the actual events of the Syndicated All Female Pro-Wrestling organization even though I barely ever saw the actual GLOW organization and from some interviews from of the original ladies of the GLOW organization weren't too happy to with the end product but regardless, seeing these women start off pretty lame and in the beginning Alison Brie was in "Trying Too Hard" territory, that's not to say she was bad far from it I liked her enthusiasm she just needed to reign in the energy. However as the series progressed Alison and everyone's characters were becoming more and more tougher and it didn't hurt that the show had Wrestlers like Johnny Mundo, Brodus Clay, Carlito, Laura James and her husband UGH Joey Ryan to help bolster the credibility of how Bad Ass these women could be and then came the fact the women were trained by Chavo Guerrero Jr just shows how dedicated to their craft everyone was. The ladies from the Netflix series GLOW! (Singing): Glow lovely bad ass ladies Glow!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Nine

9) Hikaru Sulu from "Star Trek" (Cut to Clips of all incarnations of Sulu from "Star Trek" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, Mr. Sulu from Star Trek is a BAD ASS! Now from the original series and the first six Star Trek movies you couldn't tell but at times he was someone you didn't want to cross if you were on his bad side. George Takei was a take charge kind of guy but a not so much bad ass and that's not to take away from George Takei's version but when John Cho was brought into playing Hikaru Sulu I was kind of wondering if they'd make him a dumbass in distress. Then I saw him on the Romulan Drilling Rig and... (Show clip of Hikaru Sulu kicking ass and doing so intelligently)

DAMN DUDE! YOU ARE BAD ASS NOW! AND NOT ONLY THAT, AN INTELLIGENT ONE TO BOOT! HATS OFF TO YOU DUDE! JOHN CHO YOU ARE A THINKING MAN'S ACTION STAR! And what does John Cho do in his second outing in Hikaru Sulu (Show clip of Sulu threatening John Harrison AKA Khan Noonien-Singh to drop the entire payload of missiles on him and Khan surrendering)

YEAH, You saw that! Sulu made Khan surrender! Hikaru Sulu, If I test you, you will succeed in being a bad ass!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Eight

8) Gabrielle from "Xena: Warrior Princess" (Cut to clips of Gabrielle from "Xena: Warrior Princess" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Over the span of the series she started off as the typical sidekick trope but over the course of the series she went from being the typical dumbass in distress to becoming a bad ass like her friend, compatriot and the lead character herself Xena. By the end of the series not only was a Bad Ass, she had grown to be a fully developed character. Granted the finale for everyone myself included will remain a LOAD  but in spite of that I have nothing but respect for Gabrielle. She had encouraged one of the greatest people to use their courage to change the world! That is what an Unexpected Bad Ass is all about.

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Seven

7) Carter Grayson from "Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue" (Cut to clips of Carter Grayson as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When we first see him he's tough as hell as a firefighter like the hero he wants to be. But once he became the Red Ranger, if you were going to attack Mariner Bay make sure you have been given last rites, because you are HISTORY! It's no wonder he's The Chuck Norris Of Power Rangers. (Cut to an image of Carter Grayson smiling as a green screened image of an American flag and fireworks exploding in the background are seen and the "AHCHUCKANORRIS" voice does "THECHUCKANORRISOFAPOWERRANGAAAAARS!" before cutting to the clips of Lightspeed Rescue with James doing a voiceover)

And I think the actor Sean CW Johnson deserves a lot of the credit. Behind that smile and milquetoast physical appearance is the one red ranger NO ONE messes with! (Cut to clip of Demonite being held at gun point by Carter as Carter Blasts Demonite straight to hell before cutting to James as he peeks out from under the desk)

Lesson learned NEVER SCREW WITH CARTER GRAYSON RED LIGHTSPEED RESCUE RANGER!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Six

6) Lieutenant Olivia Benson from "Law And Order Special Victims Unit" (Cut to clips of Olivia Benson as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Now I know being an Officer of The Law is a Bad Ass enough and rising above being a child of rape is pretty bad ass enough but while Olivia Benson had her Bad Ass moments during Elliot Stabler's tenure but here's the thing Elliot was a bad ass and it did rub off on Olivia. But when Elliot Stabler left the series she stepped up in the Bad Ass department in so many ways! She nearly killed the guy who wanted to force his way onto her. She became the commanding officer of the Unit that she's been in the longest, she adopted the son of a woman she failed to save. She became a better Bad-Ass then her former partners and for further proof as to how much a bad ass she's become check this clip out (Cut to Lt. Olivia Benson as she confronts the troll who made a false story about her son and Det. Amanda Rollins' Daughter and the troll walks away a little more scared before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That's right, DON'T MESS WITH HER FAMILY EITHER PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY! BAD ASS! I Salute you Lieutenant Olivia Benson as one of the Unexpected Bad Ass Characters!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five

5) Rory Williams from Series Five-Seven A of "Doctor Who" (Cut to Clips of Rory Williams as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In the beginning yeah he kind of was the butt monkey of his first season. He was killed once in one of Amy's dreams, he died saving The 11th Doctor only to return as an Auton and had comically tried to fight off a Alien Fish Vampire in Venice Italy in his first full adventure with the Doctor but by his second season on Doctor Who this guy was put through hell and he decided to fight back! His wife was replaced by a Ganger Flesh based Avatar by the leader of a cult who took their daughter to turn her into a weapon against The Doctor. For Rory that was the last straw! He took down an entire cyber-legion! He fought off headless monks and Madame Kovarian's troops he became a one man English Army! This was the bad ass who in "The God Complex" saw the beast everyone thought was a god and when the beast saw Rory, turned tail and ran home crying for mommy and daddy! This guy was so bad ass he clobbered A Nazi and Adolf Hitler in the same episode add to that he held Hitler at Gunpoint and proceeded to shove Hitler into a cupboard!  (Cut to clips of Captain Rip Hunter from DC's Legends Of Tomorrow as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And I know as of late the Actor who played Rory Williams, Arthur Darvill is now playing another Bad Ass as Captain Rip Hunter of DC's Legends Of Tomorrow. But the guy is bad ass already!  (Cut to Clips of Rory Williams as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I am talking about the unexpected Bad Ass he played and Rory "The Roman Centurion" Williams,  I Salute You! You Magnificent Warrior (Show clip of Rory threatening The 12 Cyber Legion then asking "Would you like me to repeat the Question?" before cutting to James hiding behind his chair)

TLOTA: DON'T LET HIM ASK AGAIN! TELL HIM WHERE AMY IS AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE! PLEASE RORY WILLIAMS DON'T KILL ME!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Bob Ross! (Cut to clips of Bob Ross in "The Joy Of Painting" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right! Behind the soft spoken artistry of this guy is a man who served for our Armed Forces! If he wanted to, he could've made your death look like "A Happy Little Accident". But after serving for our Military, he chose to dedicate his life to making peaceful paintings of mountain landscapes, Forests and all sorts of interesting sorts of paintings and all of them done in half an hour! THAT IS A BAD ASS OF SO MANY LEVELS! I'm not even joking, this guy did missions to protect our way of life and then decided to teach something peaceful and serene, I am amazed at how this Bad Ass shifted gears and still remained Bad Ass until his untimely demise. But behind that gentle voice, beard and permed fro' was a bad ass that made bad people's death look like a happy little accident to making fluffy little clouds, beautiful evergreen trees seem interesting for a half hour. Happy painting in heaven and God Bless you, you unexpected bad ass!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) Katara from "Avatar: The Last Airbender" (Cut to Clips of Katara as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Don't let this young girl fool you, She is a waterbending Bad Ass! She could drown you on dry land and possibly bend you into a pretzel is nothing to sneeze at either! She made Prince Zuko soil himself in an episode centered around Katara exacting vengeance on the man who killed her and Sokka's mother when this happened (Show clip of Katara Blood Bending the General in charge of the army clip from The Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Best Avatar The Last Airbender Episodes as he reacts to Katara Blood bends the guy before cutting to the finale as James does a voiceover.)

Then there's the finale! WHOA MY GOD! OH WHOA! WHOA WOW OH MY GOD! KATARA DROPPED THE HAMMER ON AZULA AND DIDN'T EVEN THINK TWICE TO FINISH THE FIGHT THAT AZULA HAD CHEATED TO TRY TO WIN AGAINST ZUKO AND KATARA WASTED THE PSYCHO WITHOUT A SECOND'S THOUGHT! Anyone who says Katara isn't a bad ass then you better hope that Mae Whitman the voice actor who played Katara never finds you because she will bend you to death!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two

2) Willow Rosenberg from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (Cut to clips of Willow from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In a show filled with Bad Ass Vampire Slayers, Bad Ass Vampires and everyone in between Willow could've blended in and disappeared into the background. But over seven years she became a powerful user of magic, a strong fighter in her own unique rights and even became someone anyone no matter what their gender is or what is their personal preference in terms of romance. As much as the Slayer is meant to be alone, Willow Rosenberg lets us know that The Slayer can only be as Bad Ass as the entourage she keeps with her and Keeping Willow around Buffy showed the better side of Buffy and the Bad Ass side of Willow Rosenberg. That's a fair trade off in terms of Bad Assitude on the expected and unexpected Bad Asses!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And The Number One Unexpected Bad Ass Character is...

1) Adrianna "Adrian" Pennino-Balboa from the Rocky Movies!  (Cut to clips of Adrian as she grows and evolves in the Rocky movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I'm not joking! Adrian is possibly the most Bad Ass Character and no it is not because she lived with a fighter it's because the fighter saw in her something inside of her. She started as a shy and retiring character who was afraid so much of the time she couldn't even stand up to her abusive brother Paulie until Rocky slowly but surely helps her emerge into the light and once that happened nothing stopped her from being a bad ass! How much of a bad ass, by the end of the second act she stands up to Paulie and lets the jackass who has held her back everything with two barrels! By The Second Movie she was so bad ass when she survived the complications involved with the birth of her only child and when her husband needed to be reminded of the inspiration he was to her in Rocky III she let him know that she became as strong and as bad ass as he was because Rocky saw what was inside of her and even though the other two movies she was as Bad Ass and tough she knew what needed to be said and told the honest truth and up until the fifth movie she was such a bad ass she didn't even need to be a bad ass to show how strong she was and that strength stayed with Rocky even after she passed on from this world. YO ADRIAN You did it! You are the most unexpected Bad ass Character EVER! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Any more I missed? Well Comment below and help me pray I never cross their path because I want to see VERY old age! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!