Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Bowling For "Stooges"

(Scene begins with James in his bedroom)

James Faraci: Hey guys, as I was working on this I had heard that Emer Prevost aka YouTuber He11sing920 had passed away. Uh I never knew the guy personally and professionally I liked some of his work and if he ever knew me professionally or personally I'll never know but Emer if you're watching this from heaven, I hope you enjoy my suffering as I deal with The Three Stooges 2012 movie and know the rest of this years' reviews I dedicate in your honor man! 

(Scene fades to black)

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the outside of James’ Studio as a Dramatic Music sting plays in the background)

TLOTA (Audio only): THE THREE STOOGES! (Dramatic sting plays again as it cuts to the main lobby of James’ studio as Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric Kurtzke, John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion search High & Low) THE THREE STOOGES! I CONFESS I KILLED THEM!

Olivia Horvath: Any sign of him?

TLOTA (Audio Only): I KILLED THEM ALL! I KILLED TED HEALY! I KILLED LARRY! I KILLED SHEMP! I KILLED CURLY! I KILLED MOE! I KILLED JOE! I KILLED CURLY-JOE! THEY ALL DIED AT MY HANDS!

Rebecca Yaun: I hope that Felicia hasn’t broken him, if she has, I’ll rip her into oblivion!

Eric Kurtzke: WILL YOU STOP THINKING FELICIA IS GONNA BREAK HIM OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL RIP YOU INTO OBLIVION!

Renee Miller: He’s not in the Mail room!

John & Mike Santos (In Unison): He’s not behind the couch!

Andrew Beach: Let’s think about this logically! (James groans a ghastly groan!)

Ed Champion: Where else would he be after watching a movie? (James groans especially loudly as a thud is heard, the others run to James’ office as James has a handgun in his hand!)

Others: HOLY SMOKES! (John swats away the handgun)

John Santos: Don’t use this! You might miss! Here, use the nine millimeters less kickback!

TLOTA: Thank you John, my dear, true friend!

Others: JOHN! (John has the look of OOPS on his face before John drops James like a bad habit before Rabbi Skullovitch, Father Bulkmeier and Sister Kimberly played by Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun and Brenda Fonseca)

Rebecca Yaun: ¡ Gracias por venir, el padre, el rabino y el hermana! ¡ James está aquí! ¡ Creo que su alma está poseída por demonios atormentando al pobre bastardo! ¡ Si no ha sido torturado por Felicia! ¡ Si es así, ella no vivió para arrepentirse de cruzar mi culo!

Father Bulkmeier: It is no problem my child, for if we can save anyone, it will be with the power of Shame!

Sister Kimberly: And if he can’t do it, A few Zets from me will straighten him out.

Rabbi Skullovitch: And if the two of them combined can’t do anything, leave it to me, The Schmendrick will be back in his place! Who knows maybe the three of us can do it together, maybe. (Rebecca takes Father Bulkmeier, Rabbi Skullovitch and Sister Kimberly to James in his office as John tries to convince James to blow his brains out with the nine millimeters before cutting to Rebecca in the doorway with the Religious Sect)

Rebecca Yaun: JOHN ROSS SANTOS! (Rebecca walks in, the camera shakes as the Religious Sect cover their eyes as John flies out the office and into the main lobby and Rebecca asks for forgiveness from the Religious Sect and they give her forgiveness and blessing as James plays “Three Blind Mice” on a keyboard)

TLOTA: Leave me be! (Cut to The Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Your friends told us about some concerning things about a movie!

Sister Kimberly: It is okay my child! All bad movies are equally terrible in the eyes of the internet! (Cut to James as he turns to see the three.)

TLOTA: Oh really, tell me then how are you at adaptions of the past for the present audience. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: We know somethings about those type of movies! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Well then perhaps… (Cut to a clip of “Josie And The Pussycats” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): You can tell me why putting a Three girl rock band in modern times with enough unsubtle subliminal commercial tie-ins that makes any Shaymalan film look competent in comparison can be a bad adaptation. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: I’m afraid I haven’t heard of that one.

Sister Kimberly: Wait a second Father, doesn’t that sound like the “Josie And The Pussycats” movie? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: For the love of Peat Moss. Okay then well surely you know why… (Cut to “The Smurfs” by Raja Gosnell as James Does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Taking a group of classic characters who would say one word for most of the dialogue would be schlepped to New York City magically and help Neil Patrick Harris try to be a good husband to Jayma Mays and get over his fears of Parenthood while their mortal enemy is dumped upon constantly because of the plot. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Sad to say boychick that doesn’t ring any bells.

Sister Kimberly: I do remember that sounding like that incredible “Smurfs” live action/CGI film Rabbi! (James screams in anger as the scene cuts to The Religious Sect as they react in fear as they hear the keyboard being smashed before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Here, What about this one? Three blue collar schmoes who find themselves trying to do good and the three… (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Slap each other silly!

Rabbi Skullovitch: And by accident find themselves getting in over their heads until…

Sister Kimberly: A convenient Deus Ex Machina helps the three be the heroes! OH, MY POOR CHILD! WE KNOW OF THAT! OUR APOLOGIES! We had no idea you despised the movie as much as everyone else! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I DID! That was “The Three Stooges”! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: The movie you claimed you killed! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: You heard that? (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Ninety-Five percent of the county heard you my son!

Sister Kimberly: If you have something to confess, Do so in front of us for the sake of your soul! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: They were my Icons, I looked upon them for humor! (Cut to classic Three Stooges Public Domain Shorts as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Three Stooges blue collar guys thumbing their noses to the Hoi Polloi, whose slapstick made it cool not to look like a movie star and got to be the hero and win the love of the people and the hearts of the women they wanted. They started in Vaudeville in the turn of the century and lasted until the 1970’s not many acts could say that! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But nevertheless, when the Movie made by The Farrelly Brothers and was advertised every knucklehead like myself shuddered in fear. Not helping was this moment from WWE’s Monday Night RAW. (Show clips of Santino Marella as he looks for The Three Stooges. The moment he is with “The Three Stooges” and when the bit with Larry, Curly and Moe is DYING and Kane mercifully puts the moment out of its misery before cutting to James and The Religious Sect)

TLOTA: And the moment Kane choke slammed Curly thus putting the moment in which The Three Stooges were on WWE out of its misery like it was Old Yeller was the funniest moment of the episode! (Cut to James on the couch and he does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I sat and put the DVD in I remember this and tried to prepare myself mentally to remember how bad this thing that bears an Iconic name. I also prepared myself a little game. How long it would take for me before I rage quit watching the movie and took it out to behind the alley of my studio before I shattered it into a billion pieces. That is until I hit the play button! (Cut to a clip of the movie being played on the screen and surprisingly James begins to laugh.) That is when something bizarre happened. I laughed at something I found Unfunny when I first saw it! THAT… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: WAS THE THREE STOOGES! THAT MOMENT WAS NOW HILARIOUS WAS NOW ON THE SCREEN! IT HAD THE SAME SPIRIT, THE SAME HUMOR, EVEN THE SAME SORT OF PACING! No, no, no, no, NO! It had to be a mistake! It must’ve been! It had better have been! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Okay Mensch, just so me, The Father and Sister Kimberly are aware, you tried to end yourself because of this movie? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: The movie began! (Cut to the Religious Sect as they prepare to bang their heads together before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something interesting to note is that the movie is paced and split into three different shorts that flow as one continuous story! Even The Three Stooges movies with Curly-Joe DeRita weren’t like that! The movie opens as we see a nun played by Larry David chastise a group of orphans at the Orphanage she works at, as the orphans kick a can of Coca-Cola! Now as we’re all aware Larry David is one of the funniest men on the planet. Why he would play a nun, I have no idea. One day a package is dropped onto their lap. It just so happens to be a baby version of… (Cut to Sister Mary Mengele gets Moe poked off the porch and the other nuns decide to they are to be blessed to see the three babies that look like the three stooges before cutting later in the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We cut to a mere decade after the three were found and the day for Orphans to be adopted has come and the nuns are going to Push Larry, Curly and Moe HEAVILY and the couple who are looking to adopt are played by Carly Craig and… (Cut to James physically as he groans in fear as his hair is being blown upwards before James runs into a storage closet and grabs a box marked “Blacklisted Jokes”)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Hey Mensch? What’s with the box?

TLOTA: It’s all the jokes I vowed never to make again or ever make at all. And for Stephen Collins, I’ve got quite a few! Starting with Pedophile jokes with Stephen Collins, “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” Stephen Collins Jokes and Jokes about “7th Heaven” about Stephen Collins as of this moment SEALED FOREVER IN THIS BOX! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: Makes sense to me

(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The couple originally chose Moe and Moe seemed fine with it until he asks the two to take Larry & Curly with him, as we all know a happy couple would never… (Cut to them dropping Moe back to the Orphanage and taking a friend of theirs named Teddy instead before cutting to Present day.)

We soon cut to the present day as we see the three now fully grown up and played by Chris Diamantopolis, Sean Hayes & Will Sasso and working as Janitors at the Orphanage and sadly Monsignor Ratliffe played by Brian Doyle-Murray as he plans on closing the orphanage meanwhile the three hear that one of their young friends named Murph is not feeling well, to save Murph and the Orphanage they need to raise $830,000 in 30 days. It is with that the three decide to head out into the world and earn the money. Sisters, You’re in need of a miracle! Ending the first act (Cut to James and the Religious sect.)

TLOTA: And to be surprisingly fair, this first act was very reminiscent of The Three Stooges of my childhood. The rest of the movie wants to try to see if the Stooges can fit into the modern world we live in. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Like trying to use…

TLOTA: Cameos from say the cast of Jersey Shore? (Cut to a clip of Moe trying to fit into the Cast of Jersey Shore before cutting to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: That’s as out of left field as…

TLOTA: The Three Stooges trying to use an IPhone? (Cut to the clip of Curly trying to use the IPhone before cutting to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: But it’s not like they brought in someone from…

TLOTA: “Modern Family” to use The Three Stooges and then later discover to be in cahoots with a villain in a subplot? (Cut to the first scenes of Sofia Vergara as Gipsy King’s “Bamboleo” before cutting to Rabbi Skullovitch, Father Bulkmeier and James looking lustfully at Sofia Vergara then cutting to Sofia’s character interacting with the Three Stooges before cutting back to Rabbi Skullovitch, Father Bulkmeier and James looking lustfully at Sofia Vergara before Sister Kimberly slaps the three and James groans like Curly before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the second act begins we are introduced to Sofia Vergara’s character as she and her boytoy plan to eighty-six Sofia’s Character’s husband and they need Three chuckleheads to be the patsies so they can get away with it Scott free and… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Right on cue! (Cut to Sofia’s character tries to convince The Three Stooges to kill her husband and nearly finishes off Sofia’s Character’s boytoy before cutting to later in the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Later the three visit the guy in the Hospital after some unfunny gross-out humor which even the REAL Three Stooges wouldn’t do. (Cut to James and the Religious sect)

TLOTA: And before I hear from you three I am aware of how the shorts by today’s standards aren’t so Kosher! (Cut to clips of classic shorts that by today’s standards aren’t considered PC by today’s standards as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But here’s something to understand during the time they were made a lot of that was meant to be funny without being mean spirited! They made fun of Hitler one year before Charlie Chaplin’s “The Great Dictator” in the short “You Natzy Spy” and there was a lot of people doing racist things towards Japanese during the time. Internment Camps were happening and seeing the Three Stooges play Japanese caricatures wasn’t meant in bad taste then. Now a day’s people would get nailed to the wall if they even thought about doing something like that. But that’s the brilliance of the shorts now! They were making fun of what would now be considered racially harmful and I think that they could get a laugh from someone from one of the major members of the NAACP. I think that maybe one of the best things to happen from one of the darkest parts of our world’s history. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But apparently The Three Stooges find themselves in danger of being arrested for running afoul of the law and gets away and the three find their old friend Teddy and drop in on him! Literally! That night Teddy shows his wife a photo he took of the three to… (Show Sofia Vergara’s character as a dramatic music sting plays before cutting to Robot Chicken’s M. Night Shaymalan shouts out “What A Twist!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Moe rebukes the idea for them to ask Teddy’s adopted father for the cash and the three of them working off the cash by working for Teddy’s dad, they try something beyond normal levels of silly even by The Three Stooges levels. By making Farm Raised Salmon and I mean “Farm Raised” (Show the clip of the Three Stooges “Farm Raising” Salmon before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: But Why? Why is this film the one that somehow finds itself finding itself years after it had pretty much been dismissed by so many? Even by hardcore fans of The Three Stooges like myself? (Cut to posters of bad adaptations of movies from childhood memories as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With so many adaptations from stuff we enjoyed from our childhood why is it the one from The Three Stooges is the one that now finds itself humorous? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Those adaptations deserved better! THOSE OTHER ADAPTATIONS DESERVED BETTER! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: What exactly are you saying? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I am saying from now on this movie and I are now… enemies! Because it is unjust, unfair, unkind! I shall block it! I swear it! I will hinder and harm that movie on earth as I am able! I WILL RUIN “The Three Stooges” (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Uh Schmendrick? Do you know that the people don’t exactly think it Kosher? I mean the Box Office proved that it didn’t work (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I am aware of the box office returns as well as the Critical destruction of the movie. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Uh would it be possible if we could I don’t know take a breather and maybe get our bearings together? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: That is a good idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When The Three Stooges are once again forced to shut down by the police the Three run for safety but after a dust up Larry and Curly decide to leave Moe and in an ironic twist a network exec hires Moe for a reality show! Ending the Second act. As the third act begins we see Larry and Curly barely make it on their own and discover that Moe is now a star on… That was a thing I never saw but sadly knew about! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I must’ve had some mixture that made me take a leave of my senses!  But it’s not like they just accept Moe as one of their own (Cut to the Cast of Jersey Shore complaining about Moe and the producer saying he doesn’t care and the cast of Jersey Shore being disgusted by it before cutting to James physically) Go home you Chowderheads! You’re drunk! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I clearly have not taken enough Crazy pills for me to be on the same plain of existence to be on as David Lynch and the world of Twin Peaks! Oh well, with Time Running out Larry and Curly discover why the Orphanage is being shut down. (Show Sister Mary-Mengele as she chews out Larry and Curly because the two of them and Moe caused the reason why Murph can’t get the healthcare she needs before cutting to later in the movie.)

Finally deciding to ask Teddy’s father to help, Mr. Harter tells Larry and Curly why Moe didn’t stay adopted by him and his wife.(Show clip of Mr. Harter telling Larry and Curly what happened and discovering Teddy, his wife and the guy The Three Stooges nearly massacred before cutting to later in the movie before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I’ll never fully get any answers that’ll make sense. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):The two eventually reunite with Moe and they decide to foil the Murder plot! After some funny slapstick and some NOT  It looks like they’re about to meet their makers when a mouse Curly had with him sends the car careening off the road. Curly’s flatulence and Larry’s Waterproof matches help blow them all out of the deathtrap and it’s there that they ask Teddy for the money to save the Orphanage (Show Teddy saying no and his reason why before cutting to the ending of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

As the three returns to the Orphanage which is now shut down the three laments how they loused it all up when… (Show the moment when they see a new Orphanage.) That’s right apparently the producer that hired Moe to be on Jersey Shore wants the three to torment the Nuns on a new reality show. Seeing how it is reality tv, I’m not surprised it hasn’t happened yet! Teddy adopts Murph, her friend Peezer and his brother who was abandoned by a foster family. Curly accidentally harms Sister Mary-Mengele and ride on mules into the sunset as the movie ends with Antonio Sabato Jr and Justin Lopez pretending to be The Farrelly Brothers telling about how the Three Stooges antics aren’t meant to be done. Meaning now I must use this clip. (Cut to the clip of The Joker shouting “If You Have To Explain The Joke, Then There IS NO JOKE! Before cutting to James Physically)

TLOTA: Except for the fact it is here! It’s here on “The Last Of The Americans” and you know what that means! Destruction! Destruction of the movie done by the destroyer of movies! James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What passion! What Comedy he has been touched by the cinematic gods and Hollywood forced to listen! Hollywood decided that this be the movie that would find itself years after its failure when others like it deserved the same chance it never got.  But I for once be laughing AT them! Still, I must admit I kind of well… found it not as bad as I first thought and remembered.

I am not even kidding on this, while this isn’t a cinematic masterpiece, there are moments and things I found entertaining. Larry David was on in this movie in fact it’s one of his better roles and if you’re looking for something to pass an hour and a half then there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s a solid B-, C+ at best. But if you’re an avid Three Stooges fan then you may find this irritating and rightfully so. But it is not as bad as it makes itself out to be and it is with that I say begging for the Cinematic and internet Gods for forgiveness for saying that I think it’s worth a watch. (Cut to the Religious sect bowing down and waking up!)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Sorry Mensch but Oy vey can you talk a man’s head off! So, you found yourself liking “Three Amigos” or something like that? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Leave me! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: Very well then.

TLOTA (Audio only): Oh, and tell the internet…. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: That I shall champion for the mediocre! (Cut to The Religious Sect as they back away from James with a concerned look on their faces as the rest of the team looks at the Religious sect)

Olivia Horvath: So, has James gone around the bend carrying a few deca-tons of crazy with hi,?

Father Bulkmeier: I think the question is, Was the man ever sane? (Cut to everyone looking as James says “Mediocre! You are all Mediocre! Everything is okay in my eyes!” and then maniacally chuckling from his office!)