Monday, May 15, 2017

"3 Tails", I lose!


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James looking at the title before looking at the audience)

TLOTA: Really? Are you guys sure? I mean, You guys do realize that for me this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I mean it is not one of the best movies ever made! The only good thing I CAN say is that they put Effort into their endeavor and I mean this with all my heart, they tried! They tried so hard to do something good but HOOOOO BOY! I feel so bad ripping into this one! I Really do as a matter of fact… (Cut to James walking to the main lobby)

TLOTA: Hey guys if you want to…. (Cut to an empty main lobby) ORAC! Where did everybody go?

ORAC (Audio only): The rest of the team left a message for you on your tablet. (James gets his tablet before cutting to the screen of the tablet where Brenda is talking to James but in the background Paulo is grabbing fishing gear, Nick Yaun is grabbing his Golf Clubs, Rebecca Yaun is grabbing things she can get her hands on, John & Mike Santos are grabbing Gym Gear, Olivia Horvath, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach are grabbing weapons and Renee Miller is just doing goofy things until Brenda ends her message)

Brenda Fonseca: Hey James, listen if you’re wondering where we are we decided to take some time off. We’ll be back in time for the Anniversary review next month but for now we need some time away. We’re not ungrateful, far from it, it’s just that well… knowing how bad this Pila de mierda is, we figure you’re better off handling this on your own.

The rest (Off Screen): HURRY UP HE’S COMING!

Brenda Fonseca: ¡Nos vemos luego gilipollas! (Cut to James sitting on the couch in the main lobby)

TLOTA: So, I’m on my own this time! Unless… (James steps out of his site to go to the “Life As A Mermaid” YouTube Page and a video by Julia Alexa Miller telling people of their Patreon as James walks onto the video’s page and knocks on the video.)

Julia Alexa Miller: Oh, hey you’re…

TLOTA: James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.

Julia Alexa Miller: Oh yeah, how’s it going James?

TLOTA: Not good there’s this movie I’m trying to avoid, you’ve got anything interesting?

Julia Alexa Miller: Uh, not until May 26th.

TLOTA: Oh, Okay, can’t wait for season three!

 Julia Alexa Miller: Well, you and your audience can help by supporting our Patreon, Link Here:  https://www.patreon.com/lifeasamermaid

TLOTA: Okay, well I’ll make sure the people who check this out will go to help, check you guys out May 26th! Later!

Julia Alexa Miller: Bye James! (Cut to James walking into a “James & Mike Monday” video.)

TLOTA: Say guys you’ve got anything interesting doing I’ve got a review of a movie I don’t want to do.

Mike Matei: Sorry but you’re on your own.

TLOTA: Okay, thanks, I guess. (Cut to James back in his office.)

TLOTA: Let’s do this. (Cut to “The 3 Tails Movie: A Mermaid Adventure” opening credit then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I really, REALLY did not like this! I mean, there was effort put into this and you can tell everyone is trying their hearts out, bless them but yeah, this is worse than month old rotten Ceviche. The environmental message they try to convey is SO hap hazardously bad “Captain Planet & The Planeteers ” are looking and laughing at how lame it’s being done. Seriously “Manos: The Hands Of Fate”, “Birdemic”, “The Room”, “FoodFight”, “The Oogieloves” & “Jem & The Holograms” are looking at this and saying to themselves “We’re the Worst?”  and again, I DON’T want to sound like some old curmudgeon I tried in earnest to watch this movie and I really want to give the people the credit they deserve for trying and putting effort into this movie which is essentially an extension on a YouTube series and if you haven’t seen it, check that out BEFORE you see this movie. That way you know what you’re getting yourself into. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And since my back is against the wall, let’s dive into “The 3 Tails: A Mermaid Adventure” (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As our movie begins we’re introduced to our heroines and forgive me if I don’t know their names because if the movie can’t bother to give us backstory and introduce us to the three properly then why should I know the characters’ names. Any who the three heroines played by Natasha & Sophia Garretón and their friend Marlena Lerner as they babysit a kid. (Show clip of the three of them babysitting a kid as they say they showed the kid “The Hunger Games” before cutting to James taking a spit take!)

TLOTA: NO! NO! NO! My youngest niece is Four at the time of this post! FOUR! EVEN I WOULDN’T SHOW HER “THE HUNGER GAMES” AND YOU SHOWED IT TO SOMEONE TWICE HER AGE?! (James puls out a notepad) Note to self: NEVER hire these three to look over my youngest niece! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after hearing THAT the three decide to take the kid to the park as one of the three think they may be watched and we can notice who is following them because she RIGHT FREAKING THERE! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE AS BLIND AS RAY CHARLES AND STEVIE WONDER NOT TO SEE HER RIGHT THERE IN FRAME BEHIND YOU! But the three have more pressing matters as they’ve developed a rash of scales in certain areas. Just be careful of the crabs! (Cut to James as an audience boos and James says, “OH COME ON! COME ON!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But enough drama, it’s time for fun in the park which lasts about five, six seconds at best?  We then find the three find an eeeevil envelope! How do we know it’s evil because it’s as black as Metallica’s self-titled album cover! The kid’s brother picks her up and good freaking night the pace is as slow as a sea turtle on land. We soon see a Russian? Spanish? A housekeeper complains about how “Kids dress these days” and how one of the three is prepping to dress for the first day of school and… really is this part of the actual plot of a movie on Netflix? I’ve watched better plots from a Netflix movie starring Adam Sandler! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for being this harsh but COME ON! GIVE ME SOMETHING! ANYTHING! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well, okay tomorrow the three are going onto a field trip to an Aquarium. Even though it’d be the second day of school! I’m sorry but does your teachers’ administration board look something like this?  (Cut to James and his team dressed like they came out of the funny farm as James jumps in a circle guffawing, Rebecca and Nick Yaun waddle like penguins while saying Gnark! Ed Champion and Andrew Beach running head first into a wall, Olivia Horvath spinning around in an office chair, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Mike Santos tases themselves in the head, Brenda Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller bonk each other in the head with rubber mallets for five seconds as crazy sound effects play in the background before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the teacher tries to put some enthusiasm into the performances of the characters, GOOD LUCK ON THAT! They also hammer on their environmental message in the same way Shaymalan did in “The Happening” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AGAIN, I AM SORRY BUT IF I’M NOT HONEST WITH MYSELF THEN I’M DOING MYSELF A DISSERVICE BY JUST SAYING THEY’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, it’s off to the Aquarium where we’re introduced to Aquarium Worker Stereotype number 35 who try to tell us that Kelp Forests are cool the movie officially out un subtle themselves so badly that “The Day After Tomorrow” is thinking these people are nuts!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AND AGAIN, I AM SORRY FOR ME BEING THIS BLUNT BUT IF THE MOVIE ACTS LIKE THIS, WHY CAN’T I? (James sighs) I need a break we’ll be right back! ha! WE’LL be right back! I forgot, I’m flying solo this time, there’s no one here but me and at least you my audience will be back I hope, Right?! (A Cursor tries to go for the X mark before James grabs a handgun and shoots it making the same dying and dropping noise in “Duck Hunt” and James picks it up making the successful bagging sound and action before cutting 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): During one point in the field trip one of our three heroines discovers she can summon fish like Aquaman, A security guard calls someone while green bubbling and smoking chemicals are behind the guy so the unsubtle meter is flying off the charts! We soon discover he’s working for an EEEVIL Scientist and how do we know he’s a scientist, he’s wearing a lab coat! But we soon discover that the stalker is coming in the middle of the night and instead of showing us this, they talk about it. As a matter of fact, everyone is starting to wonder what’s so special about them as I’m wondering where the freaking plot is! Well we soon see our three deciding to head up to a weekend beach house to relax and unwind and not tell their parents just try desperately to develop these characters but unless you’ve seen the web series this movie is based on you can’t develop these characters unless you know about the characters! And this is one of the problems I’ve had about this being an extension of a web series, not everyone will know about the show. They didn’t set up ANY time in the beginning of this movie to introduce us to our mermaid characters properly so newer audiences aren’t gonna know who the three are and what the situation is and bring everyone is up to speed. Oh well, after a great moment of the three being mermaids they head for land that night when the three are abducted. Let’s just say if the parents knew about it, they’d bring this guy in! (Cut to James dressed and sounding like Bryan Mills from the first “Taken” movie)

Bryan Mills (Played by James Faraci): I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let them go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. (Cut to Dr. Insano)

Dr. Insano: Uh I just wanted to see if I could interest you in signing on as a subscriber to my “How to take over the world through the power of Science” monthly news periodical. All I said was “Is this the house of one Bryan Mills and if he would be interested in subscribing to my monthly periodical about How To Take Over The World Through The Power Of Science!” WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The three are taken to a boat and kidnapped and one is forcibly transformed so they can take a DNA sample and if Mermaid blood looked like green apple jelly you know the budget is so low “Electra Elf & Fluffer” is looking and thinking “We’ve got better production value and we were Public Access!” (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: AND AGAIN, I AM SO SORRY TO COMPARE THIS TO SOME OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS I’VE HEARD AND WROTE ABOUT, I AM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TRYING MY BEST TO BE AS FAIR AS I HUMANLY CAN! BUT THIS IS AS DUMB AS FREAKING DUMB CAN GET! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And our heroines are so dumb that the one who is untied doesn’t think about untying her friends UNTIL they say something and plan an escape but NOPE! We see one of the two they didn’t extrapolate that green apple jelly Mermaid DNA finally use their brains to escape and eventually find someone with the brains God gave a sea slug to help them and get the freaking COAST GUARD. Meanwhile our Evil Scientist thinks he solved how the mermaid’s DNA works and for what end is his diabolical plan? A cure for paralysis so her daughter can walk and swim again or at the very least have a tail! (An audience goes Awww! Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And ONCE AGAIN I AM SORRY I CAN’T JUST UP AND SAY THIS MOVIE SUCKS AND BE ANGRY ABOUT IT AND TEAR IT APART! BECAUSE IT IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT IT IS AND I FEEL SO TERRIBLE INSIDE IT’S GOING TO MAKE ME SICK!

TLOTA (Voiceover): I’m going to TRY and wrap this up as quickly as I can. After getting chewed out the one who escaped gets a call from the other two, the authorities arrest the female kidnapper, our three heroines help the little girl by making sure her Scientist father isn’t carted away and the movie ends with the one whose Mermaid DNA was taken gives an exposition dump and then a much better way to convey their environmental message without pretending to be a watermelon at a Gallagher concert! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And once again, I WHOLLY APOLOGIZE FOR MY HONESTY! But this movie stinks worse than rotten clams! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a summery voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While this is shot nicely, for the most part, the acting either comes off too bland and uninterested or too hammy. The environmental message is about as Unsubtly conveyed as it could get and if you didn’t know this was an extension of a Web series on YouTube then you will not get this movie at all! The only good things I can say about this movie is that it is thankfully short and they put all their effort and enthusiasm behind this project to the best of their abilities and their limited budget. But all the effort and all the best of meanings doesn’t make this a good movie. But do I think you should check it out at least once for giggles and squids? Absolutely!  Give this movie a watch and please applaud their trying to make a movie with an environmental message featuring mermaids that tried. Then go see “Life As A Mermaid” and ask for forgiveness! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I’m sorry for being harsh on this movie and for those who worked on this movie who see this review please forgive me for being so harsh! (Fade to black before cutting to sometime later in main lobby as everyone came back to prep the props for his next anniversary review and a girl he met comes into the front door and looks around.)

John Santos: Can we help you?  (The girl jumps back a bit.)

The Girl: Uh yeah, I don’t know why but I felt I needed to be here. (Cut to James and Olivia as they chat about the rest of 2017 before James’ attention is drawn to the girl.)

TLOTA: Felicia?! Hey how have you been, it feels like it’s been forever! Oh guys, this is Felicia. Felicia, this is Paulo Fonseca and his wife Brenda, Nick Yaun and his wife Rebecca, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, Eric Kurtzke and Andrew Beach. (Everyone else says either “Hey there” or “Hi” or “Hello”)

Eric Kurtzke: So how did you two meet?

Felicia: At the Dump, I had too much Garbage and James offered to help, he told me who he was and wondered if I would like to come by and see the place.

TLOTA: And I for one am GLAD you came by. Wait until you see ORAC and my time and space device. (James and Felicia walk away)

Rebecca Yaun: You know, I’m worried.

Paulo Fonseca: What about sis?

Rebecca Yaun: What do we know about her?

Nick Yaun: Well, only what James has said about her.

Brenda Fonseca: I know you and Paulo are protective of him as much as his parents and siblings are but aren’t you being a little over protective? He’s 35 and he deserves something.

Rebecca Yaun: Maybe. Olivia, did you sense something off about her?

Olivia Horvath: No, she’s seems like James’ fit.

Renee Miller: Rebecca, you were there when things fell apart for him so were we. All of James’ family pretty much left him to take care of his parents and what’s worse was when they flaunted what he wanted. The love of a good person, a family of his own to take care of, a career he can enjoy doing and a life of his own.

Rebecca Yaun:  Yeah but…

Mike Santos: Rebecca, we’re worried but we must trust his judgements. (Rebecca continues to look pensive as James and Felicia look in the back room and the two have a laugh.)