Monday, March 6, 2017

Bad Romance: "Hitch"ing my hopes onto the future


(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James moving his table to the backroom & lighting fixtures and Camera elsewhere)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): James? (Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Why are you moving out of your work office? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: My Work Office?! MY WORK OFFICE?! (James laughs psychotically) THAT PLACE IS NO LONGER MY WORK OFFICE! THAT IS MY MAIL ROOM! I’VE GOT TO MOVIE EVERYTHING THAT’S ESSENTIAL FROM WHERE I USED TO WORK INTO MY PERSONAL OFFICE TO MAKE IT BOTH MY PERSONAL AND WORK OFFICE!

(Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: You’re just being silly. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish I were, just come to the door to my mail room. (James opens the door before cutting to everyone else as a gigantic shadow engulfs the others as a flood of letters come crashing out of there before cutting to Olivia, Eliza and Traci as packages smack them around, Eric, John & Mike Santos are buried alive in a tsunami of letters, Renee Miller, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun try to shield one another as an avalanche of mail surround them as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. Before cutting to everyone’s heads popping out of the mound of mail)

Nick & Rebecca Yaun, John and Mike Santos (In unison): Let’s go again! Let’s go again!

Paulo Fonseca: Can I take a guess and say most of these are bills?

Traci Hines: Most of what I’m hearing is ticking! That’s not a good thing, is it?

Eliza Dushku: I’m sitting on something and I heard a click, something tells me that if I get up, we ALL GO BOOM!

Olivia Horvath: Well I’m hearing beeps so stay as far away from me as possible.

Eric Kurtzke: Tweets from Donald Trump saying you're not funny and drop dead, Oh look, Fan mail. “Dear James” Ugh!

TLOTA: Let me guess, A steaming pile of Poop?

Eric Kurtzke: Bingo!

Renee Miller: Third notice on the electric bill! Fifth notice on the heating! Mafioso men who cannot be convicted are coming to kill you if you don’t pay for the water?! James where’s our mail?

TLOTA: Well fortunately I’ve set up another room for your mail. (A burst of air send everyone flying in different directions as Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin stands up in the middle of the maelstrom as “Getting Jiggy With It” audio sound-alike is heard before cutting to the others as they get their bearings)

TLOTA: WHO IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE ARE YOU? (Cut to Felix Twitch)

Felix Twitch: I’m here to change your luck when it comes love! All you need to do is trust my proven methods to change your world and I guarantee you will find the Mister or Miss Right in your life. My name is Felix Twitch and I am going to make happy couples for you. (Cut to everyone else as the sound-alike screeches to a halt.)

Paulo Fonseca: Married!

Rebecca & Nick Yaun (In unison): To Each Other!

Renee Miller: I already met my Mr. Right!

Eliza Dushku, Traci Hines, John & Mike Santos and Eric Kurtzke: No Comment!

TLOTA: And I sooner trust Will Smith to help me find me Miss Right!

 (Cut to Opening Credit of “Hitch” as “Yeah” by Usher is heard in the clips from the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While Will Smith is a great actor and a great musician I had little belief that “Hitch” would be good but I was taken aback and discovered something good. Something men can watch and believe could happen. Doesn’t mean in real life it could happen but it could happen for people desperate not to go on a reality dating show but nearly desperate to go on a dating site. (Cut to James in his new work office/personal office where he’s been working out of.)

TLOTA: Let’s end the nightmare of Bad Romance with “Hitch”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as our movie begins we’re given a look at what Hollywood would consider the losers that should be put out to pasture because they don’t look like the usual disposable Hollywood leading man well except for the one guy who looks like he can get himself anyone he wants to and most likely could and a voice is telling us about the workings of the female mind. This belongs to Alex “Hitch” Hitchens played by Will Smith as he tells people about the basic principles on human psychology and preps our first three guys for their dates as we’re soon introduced to Sara played by Eve Mendes who works as a reporter but enough of that we’ve got backstory about Hitch. (Show backstory of Alex Hitchens before cutting to James physically downing a bottle of Extra Strength Liquid I.Q.)

TLOTA: So, let me get this straight you had ONE bad experience with ONE woman and you just decided, you’d help others to find love even though you decided NEVER to try for yourself again?! I don’t know whether to laugh my ass off at your misery or cry because you just gave up! I mean yeah, my love life is a joke but even the future of it looks better than that god damned backstory! SERIOUSLY, MY LIST OF EX-GIRLFRIENDS COULD DWARF THE FREAKING LIST OF JERICHO! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But enough about that We’ve got an uncomfortably bad sub plot with “The King Of Queens” himself Kevin James wanting to get to an heiress named Allegra as Hitch decides to help first to get Allegra to even acknowledge Kevin’s Character which works by standing up for her and her friend’s business. Meanwhile Hitch meets Sara at a bar as she’s being harassed and quite honestly this conversation is nice but for every good moment there was in this movie there are two moments as bad like when Vance Munson played by Jeffrey Donovan thinks he can get any woman he wants and wants Hitch to help him in his biddings, hitch pretty much gives him a burn notice (Cut to a still image of Vance is humiliated as James does a Minnesotan accent)

Vance (As done by James doing Jeffrey Donovan’s character in “Fargo” TV Series): Okay, I’m gonna get Ma and my family and we’re gonna whack da bastard!

(Cut back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Sara and Hitch decide to get to Ellis Island where we soon discover Sara’s Ancestor was in fact a murderer. PERFECT FARE IN THIS MOVIE ABOUT A GUY WHO’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE GUIDE IN GETTING PEOPLE TOGETHER WHO CAN’T EVEN HOOK HIMSELF UP WITH HIS OWN MISS RIGHT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: GOD THIS MOVIE IS WORKING MY LAST NERVE! (Door knocks as James gets up and opens it to see Twitch before cutting to James)

TLOTA: WHAT…. DO…. YOU…. WANT?! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Remember I’m here to get you the girl you want to realize you are the man she deserves! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Really? Can I see Mrs. Twitch as your reference and no I’m not talking about your mother or sister in laws they don’t count (Cut to Twitch going “Uh!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Just as I thought, Get out my sight. (James closes the door before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to John, Mike, Eric, Nick & Paulo sitting on the couch feeling sorry for themselves when Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin pops up out of nowhere)

Felix Twitch: ATTENTION ALL YOU SINGLE MEN! (Everyone on the couch screams before cutting back to the well-dressed black person)

Felix Twitch: Are you sick and tired of sitting at home feeling sorry for yourselves? Would you rather be in the company of these lovely ladies?! (The Well Dressed Black Person snaps his fingers and Rebecca Yaun, Eliza Dushku, Brenda Fonseca, Traci Hines and Renee Miller come in before cutting to James and the guys on the couch as they shake their heads and goofily go “Uh-Huh”)

Felix Twitch: Well then, let Felix Twitch fix your life. All you need to do is trust me to change you to get the girl you want. (Cut to Nick dressed in a tee shirt saying “No Lives Matter”, Blue Jeans and disheveled hair)

Felix Twitch (Audio Only): Go from looking butt ugly in Blue Collar (Jump cut to Nick looking as Dapper as he usually looks and Rebecca being all over him) To being as smooth as silk and having Miss Right fawn all over you.  (Cut to Felix Twitch surrounded by several women in the main hallway)

Felix Twitch: Just listen to one of my success stories (Cut to James Faraci as he sits in his office)

James Faraci (Flat, unenthusiastic and looking as he is reading from a script): This was many of my Saturday Nights until… (James shakes his head and waves his hands and shouts “NO!” before grabbing his Morpher, putting in his card, pressing 428 and morphing back into The Last Of The Americans and James going to the main lobby)

TLOTA: I’m killing the sketch and getting back to the review! (Cut to the others groaning and saying “Come On!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Trust me I don’t like doing it but I feel uncomfortable giving people a false hope even if it’s for comedic purposes! (Cut to everyone else as Felix Twitch steps out front)

Felix Twitch: What do you mean “False Hope”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: YOU! SHUT UP! I’ll tell you what I mean after I’m done! AND NO RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK MOMENT! WE’RE GETTING BACK TO WORK NOW! (Cut to James back in his office sitting back down in his chair)

TLOTA: Okay, where were we? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Hitch preps Kevin James’ character for his first date with Allegra we see (Show Kevin James dancing like a white man before cutting to James rubbing his forehead.)

TLOTA: CONGRATS KEVIN JAMES, YOU’VE SET WHITE MEN DANCING BACK GENERATIONS AND I DANCED MY ASS OFF AT MY BROTHER’S WEDDING AND MY SISTER’S WEDDING AND EVERYONE LIKED WHEN I DID THAT! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But the date is successful and Kevin’s character surprisingly becomes famous from it. If one date is all that is needed for Kevin’s character to get millimeters to the finish, then what was up with the three dates BS with those three in the beginning of this train wreck! Oh well we’ve got a food rave with Sara’s boss played by Alan Arkin when possibly the comedic highlight of the movie happens as Hitch nearly dies from Allergies caused by seafood causes Hitch to well… (Cut to Hitch overreacting and getting drunk on Benadryl James laughing)

TLOTA It’s funny because he’s having an allergic reaction that could possibly kill him and he’s high off his ass on Benadryl! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after spending the night at Sara’s and the next morning Sara LITTERALLY EATS THE SCENERY Kevin, I mean Kevin’s Character is where he needs to be for his date with Allegra at a Knicks Game. But Vance returns to torpedo Hitch by giving Sara some less than credible information and… (Bell rings as Sara knees Vance in the nuts and James goes “D’OH! MY BURN NOTICE-STICILES!” with Vance’s head going up a bronze bull’s ass and freezing on it as James does a voiceover as Michael Weston)

TLOTA (Voiceover as Michael Weston): If you find yourself stuck up an animal’s ass there is only two things you can do. You can either panic and die OR you can remain calm, find the nerve that can induce excrement, take a little pain and get out alive. Of course, your head will smell awful for a while but in the end, it will be worth it! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Kevin’s character seems to be getting well with Allegra, Hitch and Sara hit a rough patch as UH-OH! Vance’s false info about Hitch hits the newspapers ruins everything Hitch worked for and lands Sara in hot water at a Speed dating event for Sara’s friend leading to…. (Show Hitch blowing up and telling the truth and saying he’s done being the ultimate guide for getting people together before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Damn, even I can relate when something false is said about me and I must get on the attack! (Door knocks and James gets up and camera cuts to Twitch at the door before cutting to James looking to throttle the guy.)

TLOTA: You’ve got two seconds before I do something I WON’T regret! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Look there might be some news that might hit the public and infuriate you and judging by your stance right now, this might drive you over the edge. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: SPIT IT OUT! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch (Super-fast): Someone made a twitter rumor about you and someone named Aiyanna Wade and they think I hooked you two up. (Cut to James taking deep breaths in and out.)

TLOTA: I can deal with this like an adult. I’ll tell the truth and I’ll keep telling the truth until people listen. Thank you now let me finish this review then I’ll deal with it later. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Are you sure? Because… (Cut to James and Twitch looking at each other in the doorway)

TLOTA: It’s her name and reputation on the line and mine as well I’ve got to take the necessary steps to fix it and hope IN TIME she and her soon to be husband, whomever he is forgives me.

Twitch: Wow, then you’re one step closer to success!

TLOTA: Okay, now I’m counting to three and if you’re not gone by then YOU WILL NOT BE MISSED! ONE… (Twitch runs away quickly before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When Kevin’s character asks Hitch to help him get back in Allegra’s good graces initially Kevin’s character balks as he reams out Hitch but Hitch tries to help when (Show Allegra opening to Hitch when Kevin’s character comes in.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Now would be a good time to tell the truth OR get pissed off just for Allegra to help you the two grown men come to their senses and it works as not only does Kevin’s character and Allegra finally getting together but Sara and Hitch reconcile and the movie ends with Kevin’s Character marrying Allegra and everything Hitch said he’s pretty much “FUHGETABOUTIT!” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, all the advice, all the knowledge you could still impart on to anyone who needs it and you’re like Don’t need it so DELETE it. Instead of writing it all down and imparting it to generations of people and you’re like I don’t need it and neither does anyone else. UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE FULL OF AIR TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! (Door knocks again.)

TLOTA: IF I THINK WHO IS AT THE DOOR IS THERE, YOU’LL BE IN A PINE BOX BY TONIGHT! (Cut to the Door opening)

TLOTA: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! (Cut to Twitch shaking in his pants a little.)

Twitch: Just wanted to know if you fixed things. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’ve had ORAC send mass messages telling people the truth on all social media. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: So, you’re using the resources around you to help you instead of doing it yourself. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Who said it’s not me? (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: YOU DID! FIVE SECONDS AGO! LOOK I UNDERSTAND USING RESOURCES AROUND YOU LIKE MACGYVER BUT THERES USING IT FOR YOUR ADVANTAGE AND THEN THERES USING YOUR RESOURCES TO FIX EVEN THE LITTLEST THING THAT GOES WRONG IN YOUR LIFE. EVER WONDER WHY YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE IS SO CLOSE TO DEAD THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ALREADY CALLED A PRIEST TO GIVE IT LAST RITES! I COME AND SAY I WANT TO HELP YOU OUT OF THE FUNK YOU’VE BEEN IN AND YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE I’M NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DEVIL OFFERING YOU A FAUSTIAN DEAL. SO WHY DO YOU TRUST THEM TO HELP YOU AND NOT ME! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I CAN TRUST THEM BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN MY FRIENDS AND KNOW ME BEYOND BEING  JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to Twitch looking confused before cutting back to James) Look, do you think it’s easy for me after all the heartbreak I’ve been through and after all the pain I’ve suffered for me to open up to someone who comes in and is all “I’ve come to take all your pain away and make your life better, no questions asked all you have to trust me without question” THAT SOUNDS LIKE FALSE HOPE AND FALSE HOPE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN BOTH BAD HELP AND NO HELP! Look, my dad imparted this bit of advice onto me when it comes to working with others “Bad Help is worse than no help!” Now I admit that it’s never easy but they know what I need to get this work done quickly and they can get back to what they do best outside of dealing with me! I love the fact they’re willing to give their time they could do ANYTHING else to help this and I know one day they’ll be asking me to help them and you know what I’d do it because they need me to help them the same way I asked them to help. Maybe one day they’ll help me out the way you’re trying to help me out now but until then I’ve got to face my problems with my romantic life on my own! I tried to force people to help me whether they like it or not and I made more enemies than friends and I don’t need enemies I’ve got enough as is. I appreciate you trying to bring couples together and doing a universal good! But sometimes things and forces beyond ANYONE’S control will ruin the best of intentions. It’s easy to bring people together but it’s going take effort for the people to get together. I’m willing to put in the effort the problem I have is the choice in women is so slim who would put the effort in and put up with me and my eccentricities and my family wouldn’t help me unless it was more to their benefit than mine but I enjoy it because it’s the rare times I can get away from them. Do you know what I usually do to get away from them? I come up with the excuse that OH I’ve got a little more to do around the studio to keep it going. And yes, I love my family so much I would drop anything I’m doing for them. But even I need them to kind of put aside a little time for me that could be beneficial to me but I know they have their own lives but maybe they could be a little less selfish with their lives so I could be a little more independent. But I guess that’s asking too much of them, I have to do it on my own because HEAVENS FOREFEND I get the kind of help I need in order to be able have the life I want outside of being an internet reviewer. Not that I don’t like being an Internet reviewer but it gets tedious watching movies both good and bad! I’m failing at the promise I made to myself and I hate that I’m failing. I really deserve a life. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: The fact you opened to me like that tells me you can do this on your own and you can get it done. Good Luck. (James and Twitch shake hands as the two part on good terms as Twitch walks out the door before James sighs outside of his office door and James walks over to the rest of the team)

TLOTA: Hey guys. (Everyone else says either “Hey James or Hey there”) Did you guys hear me when I had that little soul opening moment with Twitch? (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: Bits and pieces and James you know you don’t owe us anything.

Rebecca Yaun: As far as we’re concerned, this is just a fun little side project for me, Paulo and my husband.

Nick Yaun: And I’ve gotten to meet some new people and be friends with them plus we get to have fun making fun of bad movies and enjoy playing characters from certain movies.

Renee Miller: Plus, I met that Rowdy fella, he’s a great guy.

John Santos: It feels like it’s been forever since we worked together. I missed hanging out with you.

Mike Santos: Same.

Olivia Horvath: I’m glad to help because it allows me to grow with my skills in using Make-Up, Appliances and costumes plus it allows people to see my work.

Eliza Dushku: And let’s face it, you’re giving me a break while people in Hollywood aren’t going to give me a break.

Traci Hines: And you give me more to do while I do my own thing and for that I am grateful. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’m glad that you feel that way guys, I don’t want you to ever feel as if I’m taking advantage of you. (Cut to the others going “No!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: I’m glad you feel that way and this how I felt about the movie. (Cut to Clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The flaws are so present I’m surprising myself as to how much I want to like this movie but if this was meant to be a guide for guys to get through all the garbage, it failed. As a romantic comedy, it succeeded in being funny but every now and then. The rest of the time I’m groaning at how awfully bad it can get. Were there times when I could relate to the characters? You bet. Were there moments where I was infuriated, I could count the times I was enjoying it on one hand.  But is it worth at least one watch? Absolutely, especially for Will Smith. The Charm and wit coming out of him is unbelievably entertaining and I find myself getting a few reminders on things. So, all in all a good movie to try. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, guys, now “Bad Romance” out of the way, let’s make the rest of 2017 one of the best years we’ve had. What do you say?! (Cut to everyone saying “YEAH!” before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: UH-OH! Guys, I’ve got somethings to take care of. You take it easy. (James runs off before cutting to James running to his office.)

TLOTA: Look, I know the past few months haven’t been a bed of roses for all of us. But we all need a little hope that things will be better than where we have been. Who knows what’ll happen. All I know is that if you stay in it long enough, you’ll find yourself getting where you need to be and where you want to go. Make sure you don’t falter and give up on yourself. (Scene cuts to black then cutting to James in his office working on another review when he notices something in the desk.)

TLOTA: Wonder how long this has been in here. (James walks over to ORAC’s Chamber)

TLOTA: ORAC, how long has this been in my desk?

ORAC: It has been in the desk since May of 2013.

TLOTA: Hmmm, the penmanship looks familiar. (James looks at the back of the envelope and notices the seal on it.) It’s impossible. By all accounts this shouldn’t have existed after everything that’s happened. (James breaks the seal on the envelope and reads it silently before as James is shocked as images of things flash through his head and drops the letter.)

TLOTA: No way… (James picks up the letter and the camera focuses on Emmalina’s Amulet and as James reads the gem in Emmalina’s Amulet changes colors.)

TLOTA (Audio only as he reads aloud): “My dearest James, by the time you read this, my time will have diminished exponentially. But I know as long as you keep me in your thoughts I will always be with you. While I do not know what is in store for me or you, please do not give in to the sadness and the sorrows I see in you in the times when you are alone. I pray you find someone one day who will allow you to be the man I see in you and yet not be afraid to be known as their own self as much as your other half. I know in the depths even though we are parted we are forever bound to each other. My dearest James I love you and nothing not even the end can separate us. Yours Beloved for all time, Emmalina” (A Powerful energy blast engulfs the studio as it cuts to Paulo, Rebecca, Nick, Eric, Olivia, John and Mike standing outside as the blast affects them as well as they are flung back by the energy)

John Santos: The flying hell was that?  (Everyone rushes in wondering what just happened as they see a crack in reality as James’ right hand is on the side of the crack where the studio is and everyone forms a chain as Eric grabs James’ right hand and pulls him out and James is pulled out as the crack closes and everyone is surprised as James wakes up.)

Mike Santos: You okay James?

Eric Kurtzke: It felt like something went off.

Paulo Fonseca: What’s going on?

TLOTA: I know why I went through the nightmare of the past few months. I regained something I thought I lost.

Paulo Fonseca: What did you find your sanity?

John Santos: Your intelligence?

Mike Santos: Your desire to get a real job?

Eric Kurtzke: Your Logic?

Nick Yaun: Reality?

Rebecca Yaun: The feeling of human remorse for putting us in a lot of crazy stuff?

Olivia Horvath: Hope? (Audio of “A Good Man” used in “The Girl Who Died” when The Doctor comes to the revelation of his face.)

TLOTA: Yes! YES! YES, THAT IS WHAT I HAVE! I… HAVE… HOPE! SHE IS ALIVE AND SHE IS REBORN!

Paulo: Okay, if it’s who you think it is, you had reworked the time space continuum so what happened didn’t happen.

TLOTA: But it did except she now lives in someone else and This letter is PROOF! (Cut to James putting the letter in a frame behind him in frame when he films before cutting to everyone else in the door to James’ office)

Olivia Horvath: Okay why are you framing the letter and putting it in where everyone can see it? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: SO SHE CAN SEE IT, THAT I REMEMBER HER AND I CAN BE REMINDED TO HOLD MYSELF TO THE MARK! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to everyone looking at him as if to say to one another “HO-BOY! He’s gone off the deep end this time”)

TLOTA (Audio only): AND I AM WORTHY!

TLOTA: AND IF ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE LISTENING AND YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF PROBLEM WITH THAT! (Echoing): TO HELL WITH YOU! (James’ echo of “To Hell With You!” is so loud that it cuts to an image from outer space of the earth before cutting to Rowdy as he hears it)

Rowdy: All right everybody, James has officially gotten into his storyline for the year! How many wagers do I hear for it to take to last beyond June or July?

Perkins (Audio only): Why does he keep his storylines so short?

Rowdy: Do I hear someone making a bet or what?