Sunday, February 5, 2017

Bad Romance: "Valentine's Day" Massacre


(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to team TLOTA standing in the main lobby of the office and everyone walking in unity to the driveway)

TLOTA (Singing): You know I thought we had

Everyone (Singing): BAD LUCK!

TLOTA (Singing): To Be watching

Everyone (Singing): TOTAL SCHLOCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Then I saw her and I knew

Everyone (Singing): WE’RE STUCK! CAUSE NOW ALL IT IS, IS BAD SCHLOCK! (James shouts “HEY!”)

Everyone (Singing): NOW THERE’S HELL TO PAY! SO YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE WAY! THIS MOVIE IS A CROCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Hey look up there it’s…

Everyone (Singing): THE ROCK! WHAT?! (Cut to the sky as it closes in on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as he is hanging on as a helicopter before it comes into range of James’ office driveway and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson takes a flying leap and lands in the driveway right in front of James and team TLOTA.)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping): HOLD IT! HOLD UP! LET ME SAY IT NOW JABRONIS! THIS IS! THIS IS SOMETHING AWESOME IT’S NOT A BAD MOVIE! (Cut to “Valentine’s Day” as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson continues to rap)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping voiceover): TAY-TAY! MY GAL! TAY-TAY IS AWESOME IN THIS FARACI! SAY THE WRONG THING AND I’LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEDNESDAY!  (Cut to Team TLOTA as they go Ooh!)

Eliza Dushku (Singing): This one is so bad!

TLOTA (Singing): It makes me mad! Taylor’s got to learn that everybody must BUUUUUUURN!

Everyone (Singing): Cause now we’re stuck with BAD SCHLOCK!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): You don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout.

Everyone (Singing): We can’t stand it! It’s a Crock!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): It’s Taylor Swift! Give her a break!

Everyone (Singing): Well when we saw her we knew we were stuck!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): Gary Marshall gave her a break!

Everyone (Singing): OH, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ROCK! (James shouts “HEY” loud enough to toss Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson off screen and he says “Ow!” before cutting to the Title Card of the Movie “Valentine’s Day” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yep folks for those of you who think the Bottom of The Barrel is too lofty a perch for you then obviously, this movie is for you. There’s so much saccharine sugar coated schmaltz it’d give the healthiest person a diabetic coma! The acting is so ungodly awful there are no words to describe how ungodly awful it is and everything is just an ass-fest! And what happens in an ass-fest? You get the same thing, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But let’s not wait any longer as I take on the movie that made me realize the divide between me and Hollywood and people who criticize movies professionally is about as big it could get between here in Sullivan County New York to the other side of the sun ten times! This is the worst movie humanity has brought upon itself “Valentine’s Day”. Pray for your salvation humanity! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something interesting to note about this abomination of all that is good is that there are multiple storylines some that interconnect and some that just connect around the perimeter of the main storyline which is interesting but done to freaking death and if I list all the movies that did that, we’d be here all day and quite honestly, I want this movie to meet its maker quickly so let’s get through this nightmare done and over with! We start off with what is supposed to be the Greek Choir in the movie a Radio personality letting everyone know that it’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles as we’re introduced to a florist named Reed played by Ashton Kutcher as he’s shaking off the fact his girlfriend played by Jessica Alba initially said yes to his morning marriage proposal initially but a few hours later she pretty much chucks him to the curb! Meanwhile on a flight home from serving in Iraq an Army Captain played by the perennial irritation to my cinematic sensibility Julia Roberts is on her way home and she’s got a one day leave and befriends a guy named Holden played by Bradley Cooper who offers The Army Captain a ride to meet a guy she’s in love with. A school teacher played Jennifer Garner who was just doing this while Ben Affleck was stuck being one of “The Company Men” falls for a doctor played by McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey but she has a student named Edison who has a crush on her. Meanwhile Edison has his own problems as his Grandparents are having marital troubles and his babysitter played by Chanel Oberlin herself Emma Roberts wants to lose her innocence to her boyfriend. YEAH JULIA’S NIECE IS IN THIS AS HER FRIEND PLAYED BY UGH TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER THEN BEAU TAYLOR LAUTNER DECIDE TO GO ON TELEVISION TO SAY "IT'S OKAY WITHHOLD THE HANKY PANKY!" (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And no I’m not making a joke about “Twilight”, "Sharkboy & Lavagirl", or any of his works in the Happy Madison movies here and I did a joke about Taylor Swift in the intro after the opening title and I AM SURE AS HELL NOT GONNA MAKE A SCREAM QUEENS JOKE ABOUT EMMA ROBERTS AND TAYLOR LAUTNER BEING IN THE SAME SERIES! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re wondering why if I’m going through ALL the storyline beginnings now it’s so after the break I can go through where they all end in certain ways to unite or end in their own way. Which is why during ALL this a Sports agent played by Queen Latifah is concerned about her client played by Eric “McSteamy” Dane coming out of the closet and her client’s publicist played by Jessica Biel putting together an “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party while becoming interested in a Sports reporter played by Jamie Foxx who is doing Valentine’s Day report by his boss who shares the distain for the holiday as the Sports Agent’s client’s publicist played by GAHHHH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry about that Kathy Bates scares the hell out of me for three reasons. One being “Misery”, Two “The Waterboy” & Finally “About Schmidt”. Don’t know what I’m talking about. Find those movies and be afraid be very, very, very, very, VERY AFRAID OF KATHY BATES! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Sports Agents temp Secretary played by Anne Hathaway is doubling as a Phone Sex Operator which irritates her boyfriend played by NO! NO! NO! NO! GET OUT OF HERE TOPHER GRACE! YOU ALREADY GAVE ME A MIGRAINE DURING SPIDER-MAN 3! DO SOME OTHER MOVIE, GET OUT OF HOLLYWOOD DO SOMETHING ELSE! RUN A FREAKIN’ BASKIN ROBBINS OR SOMETHING! LIVE COMFORTABLY OFF YOUR “‘70’S SHOW” RESIDUALS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: GOD! IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER I COULD BE A PART OF OR AT LEAST BE WATCHING! (Cut to Paulo & Eliza at James’ office doorway)

Paulo Fonseca: James, you might want to look at this.

Eliza Dushku: Things are Wicked Crazy! And on a scale of one to 100 it’s a 4,281,982! (Cut to James as he grumbles)

TLOTA: What is it now? (James gets out of his office and notices ALL the forced drama as Eric and John get into fisticuffs over Olivia Horvath)

Eric Kurtzke: SHE IS MY WOMAN YOU LITTLE NUTSACK!

John Santos: Get ready to face off with “THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY” and after you’re a skid on my fists I’M GONNA GIVE HER THE NIGHT OF MY LIFE!

(Cut to Renee and Mike as they are canoodling before cutting to Nick and Rebecca kissing before Traci Hines comes in through the front door with Nick)

Traci Hines: That’s not Nick! It’s his twin from another dimension! (Rebecca looks as Duplicate Nick reveals his Soul patch)

Duplicate Nick: I’ll kill her before I give her to you! You pansy!

Nick Yaun: I’ll show you who’s a pansy! (Cut to James and Paulo as they look at each other)

Paulo Fonseca: Let me guess, break out the extra concentrated Liquid IQ, get the crazy pills and tranquilizers while Eliza warms up the Time and Space device and have ORAC set coordinates for Nick’s duplicate’s dimension and we’ll get everything back to normal or as normal as things can be around here during the break.

TLOTA: How did…?

Paulo Fonseca: I’ve known you for a while. Trust me things like this remind me that this is just Monday!

TLOTA: That makes too much sense, sadly.

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as James walks back into his office.)

TLOTA: You know something, I swear my vocation has some Damned crazy days and very few sane ones and it’s the ones where everything is sane that are the freakiest! But here’s something you didn’t know. As I review these movies, my team sits and watches the movie as well. So, as I review this flaming bag of garbage, sadly my team must sit through watching this steaming hunk of crap! (Cut to everyone else as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The women of the group have already downed half a bottle of wine and other fine alcoholic liquors knowing how big a steaming pile this is and have done the sensible thing and got themselves soused! The guys on the other hand have the already begun knowing they’re going to suffer painfully as the look on their faces have the tell-tale signs of lack of laughter, inability to find joy and as is the way of all men forced to watch this garbage have begun to think of how much fun a trip off the Empire State building can be! (Cut to Paulo & Nick with their lower jaws slightly ajar)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Paulo & Nick have entered the dazed, confused and abandoned mode. They are currently in a hypnotic state of annoyance. They want to be angry but they’ve lost all emotions in them and can no longer express said anger because they’re no longer able to express the words in either physical or written form.  (Cut to John and Mike)

TLOTA (Voiceover): John sadly is now in the hollow mode. John’s brains have left his body and he is now an empty shell of his former self therefor he is nothing and has nothing left in him to care. Mike on the other hand is now in dead mode! Mike has LITERALLY died inside! Mike has surrendered any ounce of life to anything worth living for and has now realized the afterlife is a joke that constantly kicks him in the popos! (Cut to Eric)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And sadly, Eric is now in the final phase of Zombie mode! He now realizes that death was just the beginning! He now suffers in agony hungry for blood and brains then discovers that there are none found! Especially…. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: From any guy who was forced into watching this praying for a suicide bomber to blow the theater they’re watching at sky high! (Cut to everyone else on the couch)

Rebecca Yaun: Hey James, you do realize we can hear you!

Eliza Dushku: And the fact we know this movie is undeniable crap doesn’t mean we’re suffering.

Traci Hines: That’s right! We’ve just found ways to make the suffering more tolerable.

Olivia Horvath: As for the guys, we’ve doped them up on horse tranquilizers so they can’t scream in agony or do any harm to themselves. That’s the only way we could watch it without the sound of men groaning in agony!

Renee Miller: Also, close the damned door! We don’t need to hear you talking as we deal with this schlock! (The guys mumble before cutting to James’ office door as James grumbles until he gets to the door and apologizes before slamming the door then cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the school teacher quickly discovers her Doctor is married. Edison quickly gets shot down by the School teacher but gives Edison advice to give it to a girl around his age! Smart move.  You know I wonder sometimes what it would’ve been like for anyone who was dragged kicking and screaming!

(Cut to a theater where insects played by James Faraci, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Nick Yaun & Paulo Fonseca)

Insect (James): Hey! Hey! Look at all these ladies getting drunk!

Insect (Paulo): But what about all this fresh blood?

Insect (Nick): Hey guys those poor souls a few rows over there have slit their own wrists!

Insect (John): That’s nothing, I was in the projectionist’s room. He cried out “God Forgive Me!” as the movie started then his brains were splattered against the wall!

Insect (Mike): Why are all the guys ending their lives so violently?

Insect (Eric): It may have to do with what’s on the screen! (Cut to a screen where “Valentine’s Day” is being played before cutting back to the Insects)

Insect (James): You know, that can of Raid in the back of the theater is looking good right about now! Race everyone to it?

(The other insects nod in agreement as they run off screen as one second later the audio of the insect played by James shouts “OH SWEET CAN OF RAID! RELEASE US FROM THIS WORTHLESS ORB!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As Kara’s Anti-Valentine’s day party looks as if it’s a bust, Jamie Foxx’s Sportscaster character comes to it and turns it into something successful. Meanwhile Topher’s character still fuming about Anne Hathaway’s Character being a Phone Sex operator runs into Edison’s grandfather who is bemoaning the fact that he screwed up his marriage while a better romantic movie is being shown in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery but thankfully Edison’s grandparents kiss and makeup right as the scene behind them shows the two falling in love for the first time! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now for every guy, I now give you this list of deaths from "Game Of Thrones" that are better than watching this garbage! (Cut to every single death from "Game Of Thrones" as "The Chicken Dance" plays in the background before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Holden turns out to be the Quarterback’s boyfriend as he comes out, The Army Captain who happens to be Edison’s mom comes home just in time to be with her son, Edison’s grandparents enjoy the rest of the night together, Kara and the Sportscaster hook up, Anne Hathaway’s character and Topher Grace’s character reconcile, Harrison’s marriage ends in divorce and the movie ends with Reed the Florist giving the Jessica Alba character the BURN she deserves by not even answering her call to him and hooking up with the teacher in possibly the most schlockiest way possible! With only one word on my notes about the ending of this waste of time.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And that word is "FAIL!"! THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST THING HUMANITY EVER CONCIEVED! (Cut to a still of Donald Trump standing outside the White House before cutting to James physically) EVEN WORSE THAN THAT! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): IF THERE WAS EVER A REASON FOR ALL OUR COUNTRY’S ENEMIES TO UNITE AND DESTROY US, THIS IS THE DAMNED REASON! Look may Garry Marshall rest in peace but HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHETHER HE WAS TOO GOD DAMNED SENILE TO THINK STRAIGHT OR KNEW HIS CAREER WAS ENDING HE MUST HAVE REALIZED HE MADE THE WORST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA! THE WRITING IS INSIPID! THE ACTING?! HA IT’S A GOD DAMNED JOKE! I FELT I LOST AN ENTIRE DAY JUST TO SIT THROUGH THIS DOGPILE! THIS MOVIE CAN TAKE ITS OWN SCHLOCK AND SHOVE ITSELF SO FAR UP ITS OWN ASS IT CAN EAT ITS OWN EVER RECYCLING TURD FOR ALL FREAKING ETERNITY!! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to forget this movie ever existed! (Cut to James pulling out a case of Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Cider and he opens a bottle.) My next little bit for this month was already made to go before I did this turkey. So I might as well get the one man Conga line going! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND I’LL SEE EVERYONE IN A MONTH! BY THEN I MAY EVEN BE IN A BETTER MOOD! GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE SUCKED GOAT POPOS!!