My name is James Faraci and I am an Internet Reviewer and no, I'm not doing this as "The Last Of The Americans". I am doing this as myself because it NEEDS to be done this way. Earlier this year a movie came out that DARED to call itself "Superman v Batman: Dawn Of Justice" and while the Extended cut is slightly better the fact is it split the Critics & the fans. However I found five things that I disliked and things I did like in the movie. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Five Con
5) Batman's reasons for killing
James Faraci (Voiceover): Believe it or not I think DC is HELLBENT on destroying their own legacy. The reason Batman doesn't kill his enemies is because his parents was killed by a thug with a gun who didn't care who he killed. Bruce Wayne knew killing his enemies didn't make him better than them it made him no different. But for some vague reason which was never fully explained in this movie Batman just decides "Eh Screw it, I'm gonna slaughter them all and let God sort it all out." NOT COOL DC! NOT COOL!
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Four Con
4) NO FOCUS!
James Faraci (Voiceover): When I mean no focus, I don't mean it doesn't focus on Batman taking on Superman there is some focus on that for the first hour after that the movie becomes a Clusterbank of trying to fill in an entire universe until the finale of this movie in which it tries to shove SO much that it destroys the focus of what it was trying to do, tell the story of two Superheroes with different ideologies coming to blows and eventually finding common ground. Hell Jeremy Irons thought the movie was a stuffed like a Thanksgiving Turkey. While I get what it was try to do, It failed miserably at doing so.
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Three Con
3) Lois Lane
James Faraci (Voiceover): As much as people complained about Lois in "Man Of Steel" they should've saved how worthless she is IN THIS ONE! I did more in a day than Lois did throughout the entire movie! And this is where I DON'T blame Amy Adams as she knew the character but what happened I believe was a whole lot of rewrites that ruined the Character's personality. Amy, you are awesome but this time around you stunk on ice!
2) Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, His Plans and DOOMSDAY!
James Faraci (Voiceover): How do I put this delicately? Oh yeah, WHAT WAS DC THINKING?! Lex Luthor... Oh I'm sorry Lex Luthor Jr. is NOT as bonkers as this movie makes him out to be even at his wackiest he's not that insane! But yet somehow DC thought that Yes, this performance is perfect as Lex Luthor! And I've got nothing but respect for Jesse Eisenberg but HO BOY Jesse, do yourself a favor and fire your agent and hire someone better. But while I'm talking about Lex, let's talk about his plans. He plans on making everyone hate Superman by blowing up the Capital Building and YES EVERYONE REALIZES IT WASN'T HIM! Then he plans on using Zod's Ship, Kryptonian Technology, and combining Zod's DNA combined with Lex's to create a monstrosity which is supposed to be in fact Doomsday! Okay, First off Combining Lex Luthor's DNA with Kryptonian DNA is what happened in "Superman IV: The Quest For Peace" and what happened when that happened we got Nuclear Man and while yes when I was a kid I was scared of him. Now as a grown man, he's a laughable farce of an actual villain that makes me laugh and Secondly, Doomsday! WHAT IS UP WITH THE DESIGN OF DOOMSDAY?! HE LOOKS LIKE THE TROLL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS MIXED WITH THE CURRENT DESIGN OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES IN MICHAEL BAY'S MOVIES! It's sad when the Doomsday in "Smallville" looks more like the Doomsday from the comics than the one in the major motion picture. Someone do me a favor and get Zack Snyder away from these movies. (Cut to James physically)
James Faraci: Now before I get to the Number one thing I dislike. I want to get to the five things I did like! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Five Pro
5) The Action
James Faraci (Voiceover): I could go on about how incredibly choreographed the action was in the brawl between Batman & Superman was. It was a pure Slobberknocker! Though I do wish it had it where Batman got his comeuppance by having Superman rip through Batman's armor and revealing the man underneath as the pathetic person he had become. But ultimately ends with Batman realizing how big a jack-ass he had become. So in a way Superman did win as much as Batman did while he was beating Superman like a government mule.
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Four Pro
4) The Visuals
James Faraci (Voiceover): I have to admit, I loved the movie visually. The costumes looked as good as if they found the way to make them look like they did in the comic books. A lot of the scenes were visually amazing looking and none of the visuals were boring or made me want to look away. I just wish the story was as interesting.
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Three Pro
3) Ben Affleck and the casting.
James Faraci (Voiceover): I want to give the casting director a HUGE hug for at least getting 95% of the casting right. The five percent that was wrong was of course Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. But the performances by the likes of Jeremy Irons & Holly Hunter. But the two that surprised me the most was Ben Affleck as both Bruce Wayne & Batman and Gal Gadot as Diana Prince & Wonder Woman. A lot of people were adamant that Ben Affleck would be the worst Batman/Bruce Wayne combo before he even filmed a frame of film. But when I saw it, I DIDN'T see Ben Affleck doing his usual thing I saw Bruce Wayne and Batman. The last time I saw that was when Michael Keaton donned the batsuit and cowl! Then we have Gal Gadot. HOO NELLY! If you haven't seen her in any of her performances in the "Fast & Furious" movies then you missed out as to why she would be amazing as the Amazonian Princess who became DC's First Superheroine as a matter of fact one of the FIRST Superheroines ever even the legendary Wonder Woman Lynda Carter approved of her and if Lynda Carter approved of her then I know she would be amazing as the Amazonian Princess and she didn't disappoint.
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Two Pro
2) Quickly getting through Bruce Wayne's origin and where HE was during "Man Of Steel"
James Faraci: We've seen Batman's Origins done to death so for them to get through it that quickly was a sigh of relief. I understand why "Batman Begins" took it and did it throughout the first act though intercut with Bruce's training to become Batman. But unlike past DC Comics involving Batman or Superman in which there are vague if any connections between the Batman Universes and the Superman Universes of the past we see Bruce Wayne in the middle of the chaos ZOD brought to Earth. That's right, unlike EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO BLAMES SUPERMAN FOR WHAT HAPPENED I BLAME ZOD FOR THE CHAOTIC RUMBLE IN METROPOLIS! IT WAS HIS TERRAFORMERS THAT CAUSED THE CHAOS IN METROPOLIS! IT WAS ZOD'S SOLDIERS NOT SUPERMAN CAUSING THE DAMAGE AND SUPERMAN TRYING TO KEEP THE COLATTERAL DAMAGE TO A MINIMUM!
James Faraci (Voiceover): And The Number One thing I liked about "Superman v Batman Dawn Of Justice" is...
1) Giving Geoff Johns the reigns to the DCCU
James Faraci (Voiceover): After the quickest fall in Box Office sales for a DC Movie since "Batman & Robin" sometime after that Geoff Johns was given the reigns and since then has re-worked Suicide Squad, done some work to apparently salvage Wonder Woman and cut Justice League from 2 movies to one. Apparently Geoff knows what he's doing because he has worked so close with past DC Entertainment works including their Comic Books, Their series like Smallville, Supergirl and other shows within Greg Berlanti's production house. So he knows what he is doing and I do trust him to take the DCCU to the promised land and does something to avoid....
James Faraci (Voiceover): The Number one thing I disliked about Superman v Batman Dawn Of Justice"
1) TOO MUCH SUPERMAN HATE!
James Faraci (Voiceover): I swear somewhere in DC Entertainment they somehow blame Superman for everything wrong. They don't even give him better billing by making it "Superman v Batman"! A while back I asked people on Facebook what they disliked about Superman and their answers ranged from he's too powerful to DC having no clue what to do with him. So what do they do in this movie? They make him out to be someone to be hated to be food for internet trolls, to be Batman's bitch in the final battle, to be the reason so much bad things happen. They targeted the Internet Trolls because they think Internet Trolls are intelligent? (Cut to James physically)
James Faraci: NO! You can not all they know is hate. If you give them what they want they'll dislike it, give them something they don't like and they'll dislike it. Internet trolls are the lowest form of Internet existence out there and you want to cater to them? NO! You can NOT cater to the lowest form of scum on the internet and say this is the best product you can make for everyone to enjoy. If you want everyone to like it, you have to show Superman as what he truly is, A pure good! You can not show him as you had in this movie and the previous one. As a matter of fact if you think catering to the lowest form of Internet Scum is the best you can do then you know what, I'll do the intelligent thing and wait until it hits the home market and watch these movies without hearing the continual jeers from the trolls. That's right DC I have no choice but to do this in order to watch it in peaceful intelligent bliss! Thanks for letting me vent. Next time, I'm back in character and I take on another movie from the past few months and I break a cardinal rule of mine. I'm James Faraci and until then, PEACE!
Monday, July 25, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to a table where Piano music is heard playing the MST3K theme song and a plethora of food with Ham, Cheese & Turkey, with fruit and veggies is spread colorfully before the camera pans to the head of Jack Perkins played by Eric Kurtzke is resting on the end of the table before standing upright)
Jack Perkins: Hello, I’m Jack Perkins and I would like to introduce you to this fabulous review of the movie “Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie” as done by Gus Webb “The Nostalgia Kid”, Chris Lee Moore “The Rowdy Reviewer” Grrr the guy is crazy (Jack chuckles) and finally….
TLOTA (Audio only): Bar’s fully stocked
Jack Perkins: Oh Goodie! Goodie! I think I’ll make my usual five o’clock cocktail. (Camera turns to James)
TLOTA: Some people…. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As you can tell, I’m having a little celebration. Rowdy’s on his way, everyone else is back from sabbatical and I have certain family members whose birthday is around the corner and as an added bonus I’m celebrating the return of The Satellite Of Love as Mystery Science Theater 3000 returns to the airwaves. As a matter of fact, I asked everyone to come with a bad movie they all like to riff on for fun as a party game. (The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy pop in from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)
The Nostalgia Kid: I brought The 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie for us to riff.
Rowdy: And I brought The godawful insult to the 80s that is the Jem & the Holograms movie. (turns to camera) Which just might be the subject of a three-way crossover review with Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero coming this Labor Day and viewed at rowdyc.com…
TLOTA: This isn’t a DX promo dude, cut it out! Anyway, sure those are good choices. But it’s not a bad movie riffing party without “Fishtales” (Rowdy groans as The Nostalgia Kid goes ooh!)
Rowdy: Not that movie again!
The Nostalgia Kid: Well I have yet to see it, this might be a fun one to riff on.
ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! A signal is trying to make contact to us.
TLOTA: Patch it through! (Static breaks to see Professor Hiram Stupidiot laughing maniacally before cutting to the three looking)
Rowdy & TLOTA (In Unison): STUPIDIOT!
Nostalgia Kid: Who?
TLOTA: A Continual pain in the tuchus for Rowdy. (Cut to Stupidiot.)
Professor Stupidiot: That is right James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Rowdy and friend! (Cut to James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid)
The Nostalgia Kid: Actually I’m The Nostalgia Kid. (Cut to Stupidiot)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot: Well whoever you are you are about to join them in here this satellite that’ll stay in Geosynchronistic orbit for the next fifty years or when I take over the entire Tri County Metroplex and you’ll have nothing but bad movies and TV Shows to watch while you stay up there. (Professor Stupidiot laughs maniacally until a voice off screen yells at Stupidiot to shut up when Dr. Plotsz played by Paulo Fonseca appears from Stage Left)
Dr. Plostz: Ach Du Lieber! I AM TRYING TO VORK HERE! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)
TLOTA: DR. PLOTSZ?! What are you doing there? (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)
Dr. Plotsz: Vell Herr Faraci, I vas given quite a bit of money to build Ze Satellite and I developed quite a few movies and TV show ideas.
Stupidiot: I loved the one in which there was a scientist who sent a low level employee into outer space who made robots to keep him sane as he watches bad movies that once repeated over & over again which will reduce the mind to the consistency of rotten vegetables so the Mad Scientist can take over the WORLD! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)
TLOTA: Do you two want to join me or…? (Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid nod yes.)
TLOTA, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (In unison): THAT’S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000! (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)
Stupidiot: Well speak of the devil and he will appear because before I launch the three of you into space, I’ve got something for the three of you to watch. (Stupidiot cackles as he pulls out the Mystery Science Theater 3000 the Movie DVD before cutting to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)
Nostalgia Kid: Wait a second? (Cut to Stupidiot’s hand holding the case for Mystery Science Theater 3000 the movie)
Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie?! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)
Nostalgia Kid: HOLY CRAP! Let’s do this! (Cut to clips of the movie as James, Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)
Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): I briefly made mention to this on my tribute to Mystery Science Theater 3000 but this bears a full on out review. But I think what makes this show great is that it makes fun of a bad movie and we get to revel in the joy of it.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Well that’s because Mystery Science Theater 3000 is required watching if you become an internet reviewer and the movie just feels like the crash course before the starter class.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But will the movie live up to the show or will it wind up getting itself riffed apart. (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)
TLOTA: So let’s find out… (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)
Stupidiot: NOT SO FAST! If you’re going to review this movie, you must do it properly as I send you the movie! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically as Movie Alarm Klaxons blare)
Nostalgia Kid: MOVIE SIGN! (James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and run around which causes James to get dizzy.)
TLOTA: Which way do I go George? Which way do I go?
Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid (Pointing in different directions): THIS WAY! (James shakes Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid’s hands)
TLOTA: Gee Thanks a lot George! Thanks a lot! (All three fall down as the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center splits in half as the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the movie being shown with a theater silhouette with The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)
TLOTA (in Silhouette): As I was trying to say this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 The movie. So the movie opens up in Deep 13 where we meet Dr. Clayton Forrester played by Trace Beaulieu as he exposits on what he has done and what he plans to do to you guessed it take over the world. (Show Clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji in “Mind Of Mencia” saying “Oh, Of Course.”)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): And what is his plan to take over the world by showing us the same bad movie until our collective I.Q. is at the same level of Tapioca Pudding. Now is it me or is something missing?
Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well TV’s Frank had left the season before and Pearl by this point hadn’t been introduced in the continuity of where the movie was at with the series so in the movie he was flying solo. It’s here he tells us that he thinks he has found the perfect movie to reduce our collective intelligence to that of Tapioca Pudding with “This Island Earth” and plans on testing it on those trapped on the “Satellite Of Love” and speaking about the “Satellite Of Love” we soon go inside as we’re introduced to Mike Nelson played by Michael J. Nelson as we see him getting his daily workout in. (Rowdy & James hum “Gonna Fly Now” as Mike runs on the treadmill for a few seconds before cutting to a glowing eye)
Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): I’m Sorry Dave but I cannot allow you to Jeopardize this movie!
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Actually that’s Gypsy performed by the director of the movie Jim Mallon as Gypsy tells him what’s on the itinerary for the day and gives him the report, Tom Servo played by Kevin Murphy and as far as I’m concerned the best one as he lets Mike know that Crow is trying to break them out of the Satellite. But How? (The scene in which Crow tries to pick out the bottom of the hull is shown as all three in Silhouette say Cha-Cha-Cha as the pick hits the hull)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Actually that wasn’t a smart move on Crow’s part because… (Show moment in which The Hull is breached and Tom Servo is being pulled into the vacuum of space as the three react with NO! TOM! NO! TOM SERVO! Until Tom’s Hover skirt covers the circumference of the hole in the outer hull as James, Rowdy and Nostalgia Kid sigh a sigh of relief.)
Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): Fortunately, the helmet worn by Crow T. Robot who is also performed by Trace Beaulieu is big enough to patch the hole so Tom Servo could get free and just in time for Dr. Forrester to torture the three of them kneel and Crow to speak in tongues and tell them the movie they’ve got to see. (Show the moment in which they get the movie sign and the entryway to the theater)
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Is it me or is the entryway to the theater in the series better than the one in the movie.
Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (in Silhouette): Eh, A little.
Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): And from here on out, we’re getting two movies for one. Not a bad deal if I say so.
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Not at all as we check out “This Island Earth” with Mike, Crow & Servo. Now do you two understand why we’re on the left. (Show the movie as Mike, Crow & Servo riff the movie as James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid look on)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): You know I wonder why didn’t this movie succeed at the box office the way it should’ve.
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Well, from what I read the same promoters and the company that released this movie released and promoted Pamela Anderson’s movie “Barb Wire” the same weekend guess where the money to promote this movie went to?
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Cocaine?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): That and Pamela Anderson’s T&A fest!
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well that just makes it a BIGGER frack-up that the Nostalgia Critic didn’t use the “tried to kill me with a forklift” joke!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): But the joke was on them because more people were in theaters to see this movie than Pamela’s movie and here’s a missed joke opportunity.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Where? When?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Dr. Cal Meacham in “This Island Earth” is in his jet and is having landing problems and the jet is surrounded by Green Energy. What type of superhero emits Green Energy?
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Oh, I got it now Deadpool!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’m not gonna talk to you until after the break! At any rate after Dr. Meacham builds the Interocitor with his assistant Joe they meet with a person named Exeter in “This Island Earth” our heroes riff on their soon to be home at the time.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Oh yeah, after Season 7 Trace Beaulieu left the series and Comedy Central gave it the axe only for Sci-Fi Channel to pick it up and since I said that I guess I have to comply with IRU regulations don’t I?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Yep! ORAC! Hit it! (Play the clip of The Joker shouting “If You have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! Before cutting back to the three in silhouette watching the movie.)
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette) And just as the three get really into the groove the movie breaks. (James’ Cell phone rings.)
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Hello!
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): He has a Cell Phone? And the ringtone is “Go Go Power Rangers?”
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Trust me I rode him for that.
TLOTA (Points to Rowdy In Silhouette): Well, Yours is the theme from “The Dukes Of Hazzard”! ORAC! Pause the movie where “This Island Earth” broke.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): What happened?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): There’s Chaos back in the studio and I’ve got to deal with it. (James walks out)
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Want to see what all the hubbub is all about?
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Do I?! (Cut to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)
TLOTA: What in the Sam hill is going on around here?
Paulo Fonseca: In a word…. CHAOS!
Rebecca Yaun: After Jack got into the bar he got so blotto he hit on everything in a skirt, including Eliza.
TLOTA: What? Where is Jack now?
Eliza Dushku: Currently in a cage sleeping off being beaten like a government mule! Oh by the way the Pizza you promised didn’t deliver!
TLOTA: Who ordered the Pizza?!
Renee: I did, I found a place that was closer than the one your Brother in laws’ family runs and it was cheaper.
TLOTA: Where did you order from?
Renee: Torgo’s Pizza?
TLOTA: Renee! Torgo’s Pizza is a chain franchise. I HATE Chain Franchise Pizzas they all taste the same! There is a reason I choose my brother in laws’ pizza over the Chain Franchise. FLAVOR! And the fact the money stays in local business owners hands to improve their business and doesn’t pay for another corporate higher-up yacht’s down payment!
(Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands Of Fate” plays as Torgo played by Nick Yaun ambles in)
Torgo: Heere are your Pizzas. Thaat will be sixty-five dollars.
TLOTA: Here’s eighty, keep the change!
Torgo: Thank you so very much sir. Let me get the complimentary Garlic Knots.
Everyone else: NOO!
TLOTA: Just get back on delivery schedule.
Torgo: Very Well then, before I go the master wanted you to have these coupons for the Pizza Buffet. He wanted you to have them, but I am giving you them to you. Have a Nice day! (Torgo ambles away as his theme plays in the background before the door closes and the theme ends.)
TLOTA: I’m going to have to sterilize that door knob and anything else he touched before I let anyone else touch it. Anyone else got good news?
John Santos: I had to drop The Wrestling Mark like a bad habit he was just getting more and more belligerent.
(“Pitch” from “Santa Claus” pop jump cuts in played by Mike Santos)
TLOTA: Wha… How did you get in here?
Pitch: Oh I’m one of Jack Perkins’s plus Ones
TLOTA: How many Plus Ones did Jack Perkins invite?
Pitch: Well there was me and one other person. (A fluty piece is heard as Mr. B Natural played by Traci Hines pop jump cuts in as Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid scream in terror and James Grabs them)
Mr. B Natural: Hello everybody! Mr. B Natural at your service, as natural a B as you’ll ever see! Knew your fathers I did! And don’t think I wasn’t in the garden with Mr. & Mrs. Adam.
Rowdy: I don’t know about you but this party is insane! We need some order! Let’s take a break!
TLOTA: Good Idea!
Mr. B Natural: A Super idea! And in the break I’ll awaken the spirit of music in you and in you and in you and in all of you! You’ll feel like a happy king! And we’ll have Fun! Fun! FUN!
(Mr. B Natural raises its right leg over its head as James, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy nervously chuckle and say “That’s nice, That’s really nice” Before the three shout “MOM!” as loud as they can before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as and the three of them shouting “MOM!” continues as the commercial break intro fades to black and then cut to the return as the movie is being shown with a theater silhouette as The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Thank god for that commercial break.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): It was a miracle that everything is under control again.
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well, let’s get back to the review. As Dr. Forrester tries to fix the movie we discover that Mike is instrument rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator and that Gypsy is the one robot who keeps the Satellite flying but when Mike tries, he hit the Hubble! Hmm Subtle.
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): What? What was subtle?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Mike unleashed the Manipulator Arms it was Torgo’s theme, and who played Torgo in MST3K.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Mike Nelson and before he was the host Mike was quite the utility player.
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well yeah, aside from Torgo, he was also Michael Finestein, the colossus from those Burt I Gordon movies that were on MST3K, Jack Perkins, the list goes on & on!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well aside from some cosmetic damage it seems like it’s still good. (The Hubble falls from the sky before cutting to an image of the four kids from South Park as the Hubble crashes onto Kenny)
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In unison): Never mind! (The movie cuts back in.)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well “This Island Earth” is repaired as the three head back to the theater. Though I do have to ask why “This Island Earth” I mean yeah there was good riffing material outside of this movie.
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well I think it had to be because Universal was the distributors and a caveat for Universal distributing this movie was for the team at Best Brains & MST3K to have them riff on one of their B-Movies and “This Island Earth” just seemed right in their wheel house. Oh by the by Paramount one of the Parent Companies of Comedy Central were also planning a movie but it would’ve brought Joel back and been like a pilot episode type of thing with Paramount having the right to recast parts with actors at their discretion. But after Tom Servo spills he has an Interocitor somewhere in his part of the Satellite and the three of them leaves the movie to Tom’s Room!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): YOWZA! And I thought I seen places that were Level 10 Bio Hazard Hell holes but as I look at this, I think it’s safe to say Tom Servo’s room makes them habitable to human beings in comparison but they find it and…. (Everyone screams as they see a member of Exeter’s race in the shower as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and try to avert their eyes.)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): I never want to see an Alien in the buff unless it was Turanga Leela!
TLOTA & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Hear! Hear!
TLOTA (In Silhouette) However Dr. Forrester mercifully interrupts our heroes and… (Show Tom Servo’s head being blown as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid groan and say NO! NOT SERVO!)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Hasn’t that poor bot suffered enough without having his head blown to bits! But Forrester does get them back to finish riffing on the movie.
TLOTA (In Silhouette): After “This Island Earth” ends Dr. Forrester thinks he’s reduced the brains of Mike and The Bots collective I.Q. to that of Tapioca Pudding he checks up on them to see they’re throwing a party and reveling in the insanity of the movie. Pissed that his plan failed for the umpteenth time he decides to reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow on his Interocitor only to have him wind up with that member of Exeter’s race in the shower and apparently everyone on the Satellite is glad for that because now they’re stuck in the Satellite forever…. Wait What?
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): And the movie ends with our heroes riffing on the end credits.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): And I was thinking maybe we could I don’t know maybe sing the lyrics to the song.
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Sounds good to me.
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): In the not too distant future, Way down in Deep 13, The Evil Dr. Forrester was hatching a nasty scheme. He hired a guy by the name of Mike, just a regular Joe he didn’t like his experiment needed a good test case. So he clocked him in the noggin and then shot him into space!
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): GET ME DOWN!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’ll Send him cheesy movies, the worst I can find Tra-la-la! He’ll have to sit and watch ‘em all and I’ll monitor his mind Tra-la-la!
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Now keep in mind Mike can’t control how the movies begin or end Tra-la-la! He’ll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL!
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Cambot!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Gypsy!
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Tom Servo!
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts! Tra-la-la! Just repeat to yourself it’s just a show, I should really just relax! For Mystery Science Theater 3000! (The three get up and walk out of the theater as the scene cuts to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)
TLOTA: So he should be back any second.
Nick Yaun: Actually he never shut down the line, we just had him on Mute this whole time after he sent the movie to you three stooges.
Mike Santos: He’s been talking about how The Tri County Metroplex will bow to every whim. (Everyone look at Mike Santos)
Mike Santos: I’ve got good hearing and Lip Reading. Besides he couldn’t hear us because while he was yammering on and on, he’s been talking and no one’s been hearing.
Eric Kurtzke: Besides I came up with a plan and I got the right people to side with us!
TLOTA: Awesome. ORAC, you know what to do. (Cut to Stupidiot)
Prof. Stupidiot: So you have seen the worst adaptation of a show into a movie… (Cut to everyone else)
TLOTA: Back up pal that is where you are wrong. Shall we?
Everyone: THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME! (Cut to Clips of the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy do voiceovers)
The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): First off, making a show into a movie can be a bad idea when it is done wrong, but in Mystery Science Theater 3000's case...this was a job done right. No wonder it has an Eighty-Eight Percent Audience approval and Eighty Percent Critically accepted on RottenTomatoes.com or why even Siskel & Ebert gave it Two Thumbs Up. (Cut to the Siskel & Ebert Review of the movie before cutting back to the voiceovers)
The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): Sure this is a bit shorter length compare to the length of an episode of the show, being 90 minutes. But you can see the deleted scenes on Youtube or on the Blu-Ray to see what didn’t make the final cut of the film.
Rowdy (Voiceover): And unlike REALLY bad adaptation movies like the Dukes of Hazzard, Jem & the Holograms or that godawful excuse of a Bewitched movie, this movie clearly knew what it was doing! Which shouldn’t be surprising given it was just an extension of the actual show that was still airing at the time and was made by the same people who did the show! You pretty much get exactly what you should expect if you’re an MST3K fan: A riff of a B movie, the characters acting like their snarky old selves, a plot with elements that actually carry over into the series itself – for a show that never got any real respect from its distributors, including the studio that distributed this movie, it’s clear the creators didn’t let that get them down and stayed true to what they knew their fan base would have wanted. Granted, that may have been one of three big reasons Universal didn’t put much effort into the promotion and I think we know the other two (shot of Pam Anderson) but at least Mike Nelson and Company stayed true, and that’s what’s allowed this movie and the series to maintain its cult status.
TLOTA: And as far as I’m concerned, it may be the closest to a perfect adaptation of the series. So what if it didn’t succeed the way it intended to. It eventually earned its cult status as has the series. So it’s no surprise there is a reason the show and this movie has endured because it does what we ALL want to do with a bad movie talk over the bad parts and mock it for all it’s worth. (Cut to Everyone at James’ office)
Rowdy: And Really, Stupidiot, if you thought THIS was the worst thing out there, this might be your worst evil scheme ever, and you once tried to take over the Federal Reserve with your minions armed with super soakers! (Cut to Stupidiot)
Prof. Stupidiot: There was a shipping mix up with the blasters I ordered! I’ll never use UPS again!! But anyway, it won’t save you from being stuck in space for the next fifty years with all this bad cinema! (Cut to everyone else)
TLOTA: You’re right! But these will! (Everyone in James’ office pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver.)
Rebecca Yaun: And the fact that even though you paid Dr. Plotsz to build the satellite, we paid him extra to ship you off to space for the next fifty years. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot)
Prof. Stupidiot: PLOTSZ! (Dr. Plotsz steps into frame)
Dr. Plotsz: Jawhol!
Prof. Stupidiot: Did they pay you more to double cross me?
Dr. Plotsz: Vell, Einen Doctor Never kisses und tells vut…. Let me say Auf Wiedersehen! (Dr. Plotsz walks away as the ground beneath Prof. Stupidiot starts to shake as he is cut off in the same manor when TV’s Frank pressed the button to shut off communication to the Satellite of Love before cutting to see Everyone outside of James’ office as it cuts to a plume of smoke coming out if the same building.)
The Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Imagine it…. (Cut to everyone looking out into the sky)
The Nostalgia Kid: Trapped in there for fifty years with nothing but bad TV, Movies and Video Games and with no one else.
TLOTA: Who said he was going to be alone for the next fifty years? (Cut to the interior of the Satellite as we see Prof. Stupidiot is upset that he is trapped with a drunk Jack Perkins, Mr. B. Natural, Pitch & Torgo!)
Torgo: Aanyone wannaa Pizza?
Mr. B Natural: I don’t know about Pizza but how about I awaken the spirit of music in all of you!
Jack Perkins (Singing): Wasted away again in Margaritaville! Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt! (Pitch chuckles)
Pitch: Can you believe we’ll get to know each other better for the next fifty years! (Pitch chuckles)
Prof. Stupidiot: CURSE YOU ROWDY, NOSTALGIA KID AND JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to the outside of James’ studio as a gigantic shadow covers everyone.)
Rowdy: You know I just thought of something He might not be up there for fifty years. Once he remembers the Deus Ex Machina, he’ll be back.
Nostalgia Kid: What, you mean the secret escape pod hidden in the box of Hamdingers that Joel used to escape in?
Rowdy: Well, Stupidiot HAD to build that thing EXACTLY like the original Satellite of Love, so no way that wasn’t included.
Chris (Audio only): So dude, what’s going on?
TLOTA: Oh the usual a psychopath tried to exile me into the depths of space, reviewed a movie, sent said psychopath into the depths of space himself. A usual Tuesday.
The Nostalgia Kid: Did any of you get a memo for a solar eclipse?
Chris (Audio only): Oh you’re a funny guy. (Everyone turns and the camera pans up from a pair of feet to James’ brother Chris’ face before cutting to everyone else)
The Nostalgia Kid: MONGO! SANTAMARIA!
TLOTA: Relax that’s my brother and Chris he didn’t mean to insult you like that and dude, not cool saying that to my brother!
The Nostalgia Kid: Mount Kilimanjaro is your brother?!
Rowdy: He doesn’t mean that Chris.
The Nostalgia Kid: The hell I don’t.
Rowdy: Apologize or you won’t get any ham dingers!
The Nostalgia Kid: He made ham dingers? How?!
TLOTA: Nostalgia Kid, you are looking at the best Chef in the Albany region of New York!
The Nostalgia Kid: HE’S A CHEF?
TLOTA: Dude, let me give him a ham dinger and he’ll apologize!
Chris (Audio only): Here you go! (Chris gives James a ham dinger to The Nostalgia Kid)
The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, Flaky yet tender Crust, Interior is perfectly balanced and melts in my mouth. Chris, I hope you can accept my apologies for being so crude and crass about you.
Chris (Audio only): We’re cool! (Chris smacks The Nostalgia Kid in the back and sends everyone falling down like bowling pins.)
TLOTA: Dude, not cool! I thought I said no smacking at full force! Everyone good? (Everyone nods as to say yes.) Awesome, why don’t you head inside and I’ll be there shortly. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks away before cutting to a black screen with the words “Sometime later….” In white are seen. Before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid as he has finished another review.)
The Nostalgia Kid: Phew! Another movie review in the books. What to do next? (The Nostalgia Kid looks on his shelving to see a packaged DVD and a card with it.)
The Nostalgia Kid (Reading aloud): “Hey there dude, sorry you couldn’t stick around for the main event of the party which was us riffing on this one, so I actually sent you a copy for you to check out. Watch at your own risk. Your buddy James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”
The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, wonder what it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid unwraps the package and sees the cover of “Fishtales”) Well, I have yet to see it. How bad it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid pops in the DVD as the opening theme is heard before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Viewing later….” In white are seen before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid with his Jaw scraping the ground before he takes the disc and tosses it into the garbage.)
The Nostalgia Kid (Whispering while looking into the camera): I hate you James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!
(Cut to a black screen before cutting to James holding The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy as James counts down from 3 to 1 as they shout “MOM!” and James says “Okay I’m sure at least one of us is deaf!” before the three of them chuckle then the instrumental of Combine Harvester plays in the background as James takes the camera to the green screen room as he shows us three chairs and glued theater backing.)
TLOTA (Audio only): Little secret behind the scenes moment these are just three standard Metal Chairs with a theater backing glued and these are Portable DVD players so we can watch the movie in case we come up with something on the fly masterfully built by our resident mad carpenter & prop maker Nick Yaun as we see him partly Torgofied.
Nick Yaun: Yeah the shirt itches like hell.
TLOTA (Audio only): Well the guy who played Torgo 86’d himself not long after filming “Manos: The Hands Of Fate.” Ended. So it’s no surprise it’s uncomfortable but I’ll see if Renee can find a way to keep it from itching too much and here’s Chris Lee Moore rehearsing with Gus and we can see the Stupidiot shirt is on and he is rehearsing with Gus is rehearsing. How are you holding up in here?
Gus Webb: Nothing bad I can say
Chris Lee Moore: Okay, bit of truth here I forgot my Stupidiot Bowtie but thankfully James has one that looks like it.
TLOTA (Audio Only): And here is Paulo Fonseca and this is Brenda the lovely wife of Paulo. Yes, ladies he’s off the market and she’ll be in next month’s review as the receptionist in our intro and what do you think of your husband the mad scientist?
Brenda Fonseca: Well I heard that you were kind of interesting in a crazy sort of way but hearing his German accent, well… he actually does sound like Peter Sellers’ Mad German and the fact you were able to bring it out of him is surprising. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke as he gets himself ready to be Jack Perkins and Traci Hines is preparing to become Mr. B. Natural and Mike is in his Pitch gear save for the Facial make-up)
TLOTA (Audio only): So there’s Eric and is it comfortable becoming Jack Perkins or…
Eric Kurtzke: The Suit is comfortable but the teeth and bald cap are a pain in the ass. But I’m getting comfortable.
TLOTA (Audio only): And this lovely lady helping out with makeup is someone I met on the CONtv Facebook page, Olivia Horvath say hi to my fans.
Olivia Horvath: Hi everyone. You know working here is an interesting experience. I’ve done some of the things James asked of like this before.
TLOTA (Audio only): Uh Will you be available for August and September?
Olivia Horvath: Why?
TLOTA (Audio only): I’m going to be needing help on the make-up for the Ghosts in the Ghostbusters review in August and September my review of “Jem & The Holograms” for Traci to become Synergy and you need to deconstruct and rebuild quickly in layers and speaking of… Traci, you seem to be able to fit into Betty Luster and Bridget Nelson’s tights and how did you get most of the costume.
Traci Hines: A lot of the stuff I’ll be wearing is from my Peter Pan & Tinkerbell Cosplay that I’ve done. But props to Renee for being able to work wonders with the needle and thread because it looks accurate and feels comfortable.
TLOTA (Audio only): Listen while we have Eric as is let’s shoot the part where Stupidiot is in the Satellite with the Drunk Jack Perkins which is towards the end of the review. That good with you guys?
Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m a bit of a mess.
TLOTA (Audio only): So was Jack when he was sloshed. (Everyone laughs as everything cuts to the studio as James is in the center Gus is on James’ right and Rowdy is on his left as Gus shouts “Movie Sign” as he, Rowdy and James run and Gus bumps into James, falls down and James signals for a cut. Cut to James as he has to stand in platform shoes that raises him up to his brother’s height.)
TLOTA: Chris! If you’re checking this out! You owe me big time dude! I’m talking about you taking my ass to the New York Comic-Con so I can meet Stan Lee before he passes away big! I’m actually playing my brother Chris so he can still keep his job at “The Ruck” because he works his ass off. For those wondering The Ruck is a bar which my brother cooks like the master chefs. (Cut to black)
Saturday, July 2, 2016
(Fade to James sitting down looking normal and Eliza Dushku slack jawed and eyes bugging out of her head)
Eliza Dushku: Oh…my…God!
TLOTA: Well, I hope You now have a better knowledge of who I am and can now enjoy the ride a little more.
Eliza Dushku: Actually…no!
TLOTA: NO?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?!
Eliza Dushku: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY NO! OKAY, HERE IS WHAT I MEAN. FOR EVERY ANSWER I GOT AND EVERY BIT OF INFORMATION I DISCOVER IT LEADS ME TO ASK TWO MORE QUESTIONS AND DIG EVEN FURTHER. YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE TYPES OF MYSTERIES THAT’S LIKE ATLANTIS, BIGFOOT, THE LOCH NESS MONSTER. A QUESTION WITHOUT ANSWERS. And I can’t understand you or understand things about you like “The Wicked” or “Caliverti” or why no one remembers anything connecting you to Lea Michele? (The Sad Man With A Box plays in the background as James sighs sadly)
TLOTA: Okay. You want to know everything. You got it. Follow Me! (James walks towards ORAC’s Chamber’s back wall as the panel opens up and James Shows Her the Gem from The Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand and The Bracelet it’s on, The Ring of Aeon, The Sword of Caliverti & Emmalina’s Amulet.)
Eliza Dushku: What is this?
TLOTA (Audio only): Just somethings I accumulated in my travels. (Cut to James at a vault)
TLOTA: And Some memories I keep to remind me of what my life should’ve been. (James opens the vault and uses his Sonic Screwdriver to disengage the safety protocols on Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver before turning to Eliza.)
TLOTA: In one brief moment, you’ll discover it all.
Eliza Dushku: What is it you’re going to do to me?
TLOTA: You’ll know. You will finally know the answers you’re looking for. (James Grabs the Bracelet and The Ring.) ORAC, Are You Ready?
ORAC (Audio only): Affirmative. (James touches the Bracelet and The Ring together to create a power surge from the two combining hitting Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver which got redirected to James’ Sonic Screwdriver which bounces off Emmalina's Amulet, The Sword Of Caliverti then ORAC which redirects to Eliza Dushku before everything turns white.)
TLOTA (Audio only): I am James Faraci and I am The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to Eliza’s eyes opening as images from Past reviews and Past collaborations with Channel Awesome flash on the screen before cutting to Eliza Dushku landing on the rest of Team TLOTA as she’s flung out of the Chamber and James tries to catch up to her.)
TLOTA: Eliza, guys! Are you okay?
Rebecca Yaun: We’re fine!
Nick Yaun: Just tell us next time someone around here goes flying!
Paulo Fonseca: Aw I think my shoulder got dislocated.
John Santos: Speak for yourself, I smelt her feet. Two words for ya! FOOT POWDER!
Mike Santos: Well it’s nice to know she can still throw a punch. Just wish it didn’t land on my face.
Eric Kurtzke: She got me in the Kurtzkes with her forehead if you catch the drift.
Traci Hines: I landed face first into a wall and now I’m seeing tweeting birds. (The musical cues from the last two and a half minutes “Hell Bent” plays as Eliza Dushku regains consciousness)
TLOTA: Eliza. ELIZA! SAY SOMETHING!
Eliza Dushku: Oh my god! James, you poor son of a bitch. You sacrificed so much to save so many and yet for all that you’ve accomplished… for all you’ve achieved… for everything you’ve done, you feel as if you are going to amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things. (Eliza kisses James) Today that all changes! You deserve better and you are going to get it! (Eliza grabs James’ Megaforce Morpher and gives James his card back and uses her Sonic Screwdriver to build a better Morpher for the card to adapt to and adjusting the suit to match accordingly before handing it over to James as he sees the Morpher looks like the Robo Knight’s Robo Morpher then cutting to James being shown the new Morpher)
Eliza Dushku: Put the card in here, press 428 on the pad and close for the basic mode. I also updated the suit, the card will match after the first morph!
(James slides the card in to and presses 428 to activate it as James morphs into his new suit which includes a long sleeved with the American Flag designed on it, Cargo Jeans and Tan Work Boots.)
Eliza Dushku: Put the card in here, press 428 on the pad and close for the basic mode. I also updated the suit, the card will match after the first morph!
(James slides the card in to and presses 428 to activate it as James morphs into his new suit which includes a long sleeved with the American Flag designed on it, Cargo Jeans and Tan Work Boots.)
TLOTA: Like The Look? (As everyone looks at James’ new outfit and gives him the thumbs up giving James a confident smile as he takes a heroic pose.)
TLOTA: Well then let's get to work!
TLOTA: Well then let's get to work!
Friday, July 1, 2016
(Scene fades to James & Eliza)
TLOTA: Well, enjoying the look through my past?
Eliza Dushku: Wow, you were a part of a chorus that performed for the Miss New York of 1996 & Governor Pataki’s Wife. You any good?
TLOTA: Well, I tried to sing and act when I was in my High School performances. But during that time, my twin nieces were infants and I made a choice to stay in their lives instead of reaching for a brass ring I knew would I’d never get.
Eliza Dushku: Well anything I should know about before the final review?
TLOTA: Well, ORAC, explain.
ORAC: During production of the final movie Thatguywiththeglasses.com faced inner turmoil as Jillian Zurowski and Brad Jones alias The Cinema Snob Had Divorced and Noah “Spoony” Antwiler had made what many considered disrespectful comments towards Hope Chapman who now goes by Justin after transitioning from female to male had been released from the site not long before the release of the first part of this multiple part special that when combined is three and a half hours long!
Eliza Dushku: THREE & HALF HOURS?! What was he doing, a remake of “The Hobbit”?
TLOTA: Not really, it was considered the Nostalgia Critic’s last hurrah and I guess Doug Walker wanted him to go out with a bang.
Eliza Dushku: Okay well, what about you James.
TLOTA: I was about to become an uncle for the third time from my oldest brother and the father of my twin nieces, my sister had come back from Ohio and my other brother was going to get married. I had sent out 500 requests to people and guess what, NOT ONE YES in the entirety. As a matter of fact, I needed three of the harshest ones to be done by a certain trio your old buddy Joss had. As a matter of fact, here’s the prop from the movie. (Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Nick Yaun jump out of nowhere as The Bad Horse Trio to scare Eliza Dushku and sing the Bad Horse Chorus!)
Eliza Dushku: Was that.... ?
TLOTA: If you’re referring to The Bad Horse Trio then yes. Oh hey look it here two that didn’t make the cut.
Eliza Dushku: As in…
TLOTA: Weren’t used in the final decision I had for the three I needed for the review. This one is yours. (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James, let me say your intelligence is the worst. Write to me again and you’ll be in a Hurst! I’d soon rather eat ten tons of moose poo! So go away and leave me be signed Eliza Dushku!
Eliza Dushku: Well I was in a relationship so that might explain my desire not to go out on a date with you but who is the other letter from.
TLOTA: Well the other one was so obscure I was sure I had a shot but even SHE turned me down! (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up and in the middle of it Eliza Dushku starts taking down the trio one at a time until the Bowler Hat wearing member played by Nick Yaun is left.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello James Faraci, please do me a favor and never write to me again for you are a bore! (Eliza takes the Winker and Blackie taken off screen as they’re killed in a painful manor off screen) I’d soon rather have my colon taken over with a plague carrying rat! Now go parp off and go away signed Tina Barrett! (A Gun shot is heard as The Bowler Hat Wearing member is shot dead.)
TLOTA: Now why did you do that?
Eliza Dushku: Did you ever think why I never did “Dr. Horrible”? I don’t mind working with Joss if he wants me to but even I have standards.
ORAC: The review is ready and two last noteworthy notes to be mentioned. The Rowdy Reviewer assisted in James in the process of writing it and was given a co-writer credit and a co-reviewer on this and after the sudden cancellation in 1981 of the series “Blake’s 7” to which I was a part of, I make my return to the Popular Culture in this review. With that said I am engaging the review of “To Boldly Flee”
TLOTA: You watch, meanwhile I’ve got to clean up the mess you made.
(The two fade to black as we cut to a wave crashing on the beach as the music of “David’s Dream” from the pilot of “The Incredible Hulk” plays in the background as James sits on the beach contemplating before standing up to walk towards the water as the scene cuts to a first person perspective as a female hand comes up to James and James turns around and it shows James happy for the what feels like for the first time in an eternity and the two of them enjoy the moment of happiness until a dark cloud appears on the horizon as James and the female are moments are away from kissing and the scene cuts to James’ parents comes to him as “David’s Nightmare” from the pilot of “The Incredible Hulk” plays in the background and the scene returns to the first person perspective and James is forced not to move as the female walks backwards into the water and James struggles to escape as he and his parents sink eventually the music reaches its most intense as James inaudibly shouts “NO!” as it slowly becomes audible before cutting to James waking up breathing heavy in his bed in a pool of sweat looking around seeing he’s still in his room and noticing it’s 2 A.M. and goes on a cursing rant that puts the kids from “South Park” to shame before screaming and laying back down before the intro to “Heil Honey I’m Home!” plays and James screams in anger, gets out of bed, grabs a crowbar and walks out his bedroom door before James’ mom stops James)
James’ mom: James, it doesn’t have to end like this.
TLOTA: MOM MAKE THE CHOICE! ME! YOU! DAD! THE TV! OR THE DISK!
James’ mom: The Disk?
TLOTA: Good choice! (The intro continues to play as James walks down the hallway as he hits the eject button to eject the Disk from the DVD player and James tosses the Disk Player and uses the crowbar to play baseball with the disk as it ricochets off the mantle, off the spinning blades of the ceiling fan and then gets demolished as the disk makes its way back to James as it hits the crowbar before cutting to James’ dad.)
James’ dad: Why did you do that? (Cut to James standing next to his mom stuttering “Why did I do that?”)
TLOTA: WHY DID I DO THAT?! Oh Let me tell you why I did that! Ever since I had to get it away from my friend YOU’VE PLAYED IT NON-STOP! I’VE BEEN HEARING IT EVERY WAKING FUCKING HOUR! IT’S ALWAYS (James mocks the intro and dialogue of “Heil Honey I’m Home as James’ mom & dad look in fear until he screams in anger.)
James’ mom: Feel better son?
TLOTA: NO! AND WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT WITH CHRIS’ WEDDING COMING CLOSER AND CLOSER I STILL DON’T HAVE A DATE 500 MESSAGES TO 500 WOMEN AND GUESS HOW MANY NOS I GOT?
James’ mom: 499?
James’ dad: 1?
TLOTA: 500! And the last three were the final nail in the coffin!
James’ dad: Let me look at one. (James’ dad opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio played by Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke & Nick Yaun pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your brain. Your father is a Nazi and you’re insane! I’d soon rather eat my weight in Marble Tiles! Now go away and leave me alone. Signed Julia Stiles! (Cut to James and his mom)
James’ mom: It can’t be as bad you make it out to be. (James’ mom opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your skull. Your parents seem to smother you and it makes you dull! I’d soon rather take my life with a dull razor’s edge! So never write to me again. Signed Audrina Patridge!
TLOTA: You two STILL need proof, allow me! (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)
Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your head. I’d never go out with you if I were brain dead! I’m getting married next year just so you know! Now go away, leave me alone, eat shit and die...
Blackie of The Bad Horse Trio (Played by Eric Kurtzke): BURN IN HELL!
Bad Horse Trio: Signed Christy Romano.
TLOTA: And then there is near billion rejections from women I asked online!
James’ dad: Don’t you know…
TLOTA: YES, DAD I KNOW. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to try to get some sleep in peace and quiet, in the camper! (Cut to James walking to the Camper as James he tries to not to get bug bit and as he opens the door and turns on the light.)
TLOTA: What the hell are you three doing here? (The Camera spins to see Christy Romano, Julia Stiles and Audrina Partridge with a confused look on their faces before cutting to the outside of the camper as noises emanate from inside ending with James screaming “MY LOINS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF WHOOPIE!” and the echo is so loud it cuts to Chris Lee Moore in his apartment hearing a faint echo of James shouting ringing in his ears.)
TLOTA: Wow, something good happen must have had to James, wish something good would happen to me. This Kim Possible episode is just being a pain in the neck. Maybe I should take a break. (Chris turns on his TV)
T.V. (Audio by James Faraci): And in national news The Internet Personality known as “The Last Of The Americans” has been declared an enemy of the state. (Cut to the TV Screen as President Obama denounces James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as an enemy of the state before cutting to James dressed as a news anchorman with a fake cheesy looking mustache)
News Anchorman: As of this moment, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans has yet to comment. (Cut to Rowdy looking at the TV)
Rowdy: There is no way President Obama would do something against us, that’d be stupid. (Cut to the TV News anchorman)
News Anchorman: Are you serious? Look up on Youtube when he said to a bunch of farmers “You didn’t do this”. It actually happened! (The News Anchorman shuts off Rowdy’s TV.)
Rowdy: Huh, that was odd. WAIT A SECOND! James is in trouble! LET’S RIDE! (Cut to Rowdy running to his ride as “The Naked Gun Theme” plays in the background and the scene cuts to a rear projected car and Rowdy is behind the wheel passing famous moments in driving pop culture even driving alongside the General Lee from the Dukes Of Hazzard until Rowdy winds up James’ home.)
Rowdy: How does he get through that? (John Ross Santos comes riding in on a motorcycle with a strange device on the backside and stops a half an inch away from Rowdy.)
Rowdy: Watch where you’re going!
John Ross Santos: Sorry, it’s just something James needed me to finish this in time for him to review the latest thatguywiththeglasses.com anniversary Where is he and who are you?
Rowdy: I don’t know where he is right now and I’m Chris Lee Moore from the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas but you can call me Rowdy.
John Ross Santos: John Ross Santos, James’ friend since High School…
TLOTA (Audio only): And one of those one of a kind people I will ever know or meet in my lifetime! (Cut to James jumping out of the trailer wearing a pair of Boxer Briefs.)
TLOTA: Rowdy! John! How are things in your neck of the woods?
(Cut to John & Rowdy)
Rowdy: DUDE! Put pants on, For the love of Peat moss! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Be right back! (James steps into the camper and five seconds later James is fully dressed)
(Cut to John & Rowdy)
John: Better. Oh by the way, it’s ready. Here’s the activation card for it. Took me a while, I had to reverse engineer some of the hardware in order to get it working. Check it out, it’s on the back of my bike. (James places the card into the slot and presses the button to turn the device on.)
TLOTA: ORAC, are you ready to go?
ORAC: I am ready and I have been apprised with the current information. However, you have some work to do before you start on the review.
TLOTA: He’s right, let’s get to it. (Cut to a montage of James, Rowdy & John working out and eating breakfast and getting things ready to do the review while “I am The Doctor” plays in the background.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that myself, Rowdy and John will express are that of our own and some of yours. Well, After the joke that was “Kickassia” and the more improved “Suburban Knights” where can they go from there? How about the best piece of entertainment they’ve done with “To Boldly Flee”! (Cut to the opening credit of “To Boldly Flee” as James & does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And while I liked it, I was left wondering what would happen after the ending and don’t get me wrong the acting was solid, the story was great, everything was great but by the end I was conflicted how to feel but I’ll get how I feel about the ending when I get there as I take this on part by part. (Cut to James, Rowdy & John)
TLOTA: And since the two of you are here, how about helping me out?
John Santos: Do you even need to ask?
Rowdy: Count me in!
TLOTA: This is “To Boldly Flee” (Cut to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So as part one begins we’re reminded that Ma-Ti died ala Spock in “Wrath Of Khan” however as Ma-Ti’s oatmeal can is launched by Handsome Tom we see throwing it out as far out into Jupiter it has an unusual side effect! (An explosion in space happens). After our opening credits, we see Paw listening in on a radio signal with an ominous pulse. Meanwhile The Critic a year after Ma-Ti’s death is STILL not over it. So much so he actually talks to Film Brain about it and the two have a very honest conversation about what else they could’ve done.
Film Brain: HOW? You dumped his ashes into an oatmeal can and then launched him into space!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah that was a weird request in his will
Film Brain: Which You wrote
Nostalgia Critic: He would’ve wanted it that way
Film Brain: After his death
Nostalgia Critic: As I had to
Film Brain: In his blood?
Nostalgia Critic: Well if you had a pen…
Rowdy (Voiceover): Eventually Film Brain tells the Nostalgia Critic to let go of Ma-Ti. But he has more to deal with as Our Government places him under house arrest. Apparently Turl wants to bring The Nostalgia Critic to justice. However, our Government has plans on a bill called SUCKA which will put Internet Reviewers out of business and the guy behind it named Prick is trying to make it so that Audiences will watch anything in the theaters because he believes audiences are stupid. Case in point All of Michael Bay’s Transformers movies and Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull!
John Santos (Voiceover): In the meanwhile, Paw contacts C.R., Angry Joe & That Sci-Fi Guy to show his research to them. Joe discovers that the source of the signal came from Jupiter… and it’s getting bigger! Meanwhile The Nostalgia Critic discovers that Spoony has become possessed with the spirit of Ma-Ti and has two doctors James met at a con check him out. Meanwhile Mechakara has left Linkara beaten and in a closet as Mechakara shows he has The Gauntlet Malachite’s hand. As Turl is contacted by his superior known as The Executor who tells Turl to keep something called “The Hole” out of the public knowledge and capture Spoony, he’s also contacted Prick and come to a mutual arrangement.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But soon the Nostalgia Critic is met by The Last Angry Geek to talk about the current situation with Ma-Ti, Spoony and something called The Plot! Meanwhile as C.R., Angry Joe, Paw & That Sci-Fi Guy talk about how Paw’s discovery may be linked with Spoony, That Sci-Fi Guy… (Show Sci-Fi Guy’s house blowing up) is reduced to sub atomic particles from a laser in space! After watching footage showing that Ma-Ti and Spoony and how it might connect Last Angry Geek goes out to find out what is going on. But back at with Dr. Block & Tease as they try to find out what’s going on in Spoony’s cranium the two invite the Cinema Snob, Sage and Luke Mochrie to discover what is going on. Back with the Critic, Nostalgia Chick comes by for a crossover and then calls Todd In The Shadows then prank calls Lupa. But in the midst of all that a scene similar to a key point to “Flight Of The Navigator” part one ends with The Critic’s computer going kaboom and the two Doctor’s Computers getting fried on a lesser scale. Part two begins with Prick finding out through his assistant about what’s in Spoony’s head and in the midst of all of that Spoony unleashes a boatload of inconsistencies everywhere after the device used to keep him safe is shut down and Prick taking everyone into Federal Custody. (Cut to James physically as he answers his cell phone.)
TLOTA: Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Okay, got it. Fine. Mr. Rowdy, John you two have the helm of the review for now, I’ve got to pay Dr. Tease and Dr. Block’s Bail! I swear, one mistake and I’m someone else’s indentured servant, this sucks! (James continues to grumble as he walks away and Rowdy takes James’ seat before cutting to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): The Nostalgia Critic having had enough decides to get Pro-Active and gets everyone he can to help including Sad Panda and JesuOtaku. The Nostalgia Critic asks the others to help him fix this mistake. And as James mentioned with Dr. Block & Tease behind bars the only person they can get help from is… (Cut to Dr. Insano as he begins to talk to everyone else.)
John Santos (Voiceover): WHO THE HELL IS THAT NUTCASE OF A MAD SCIENTIST? (Cut to Rowdy & John physically)
Rowdy: That is Dr. Insano!
John Santos: Doctor Who?
Rowdy: Wrong Doctor.
John Santos: Which Doctor?
Rowdy: That Doctor!
John Santos: The Doctor?
Rowdy: Exactly Doctor Insano!
John Santos: Doctor Who?
Rowdy: John, let me do what I need to do. (Cut to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): So yeah, apparently Doctor Insano has discovered that the source of the anomalies we saw was in fact….
Dr. Insano: A Plot Hole!
Everyone else: A Plot Hole? (Cut to Rowdy & John physically)
John Santos: Seriously? A plot hole in space is causing Ma-Ti to be merged with Spoony and everything to go into chaos! How did that happen? (Cut to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Well apparently the Battle between Malachite and Ma-Ti caused an anomaly to be formed into space and when Handsome Tom tossed Ma-Ti into the plot hole, well… I’m sure you can figure it out from there. With Sad Panda being a distraction everyone else loots Doctor Insano’s place for all the necessary to transform the Critic’s house into The USS Exit Strategy. Think “Explorers” combined with “Star Trek” and “Up” into one house turned Spaceship. But Prick and two government lackeys are there to stop them but 8-Bit Mickey makes short work of the goons and eviscerates Prick!
John Santos (voiceover): Not literally, right?
Rowdy (Voiceover): Well take a look at 8-Bit Mickey after he comes back after dealing with Prick. (Cut to 8-Bit Mickey covered in blood telling everyone Spoony is on Europa before cutting to Rowdy & John physically as Rowdy pulls out his Barf Bucket.)
Rowdy: Here you go!
John Santos: Thanks dude! (John tosses his cookies into the Barf Bucket before cutting to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): As Part Two comes to a close The Exit Strategy leaves the planet, Turl discovers what happened to Prick and The Executor sends a familiar face to help. (Cut to Zod shouting KNEEL! Before cutting to James at the door to his room sighing.)
TLOTA: So what did I miss.
Rowdy: John and I doing a “Who’s on First?” Bit involving Doctor Insano.
John Santos (Audio only): Doctor Who?
Rowdy: DON’T START THAT CRAP AGAIN! The Critic turned his house into a spaceship, launched it into space and Prick got reduced to viscera by 8-Bit Mickey.
TLOTA: So in the grand scheme of things nothing important then.
Rowdy: Pretty Much. (Cut to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): As part three begins JesuOtaku and C.R. discover they had the same dream about a machine. Paw decides to do a Vlog about what’s going on aboard the Exit Strategy as The Critic’s Ankle bracelet is teleported into Film Brain’s tuchus, Cinema Snob continue his training on the ways of the Critic and C.R. & JesuOtaku building the machine they saw in their dream. In a freak mishap JesuOtaku becomes Ed from Cowboy Bebop and fixes C.R.’s goggles to see everything even seeing 8 Bit Mickey watching “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic”
Rowdy (Voiceover): So 8 Bit Mickey will slaughter you with farming implements and is an 8 Bit Brony! That makes sense. Meanwhile Zod transforms Turl’s ship into a McMansion and then we get a moment in which we see some great character interactions between Todd, Lupa and Nostalgia Chick as well as from Luke and Cinema Snob. (Cut to Luke and Cinema Snob’s conversation)
John Santos (Voiceover): Now that is some deep thoughts in something I never thought would be in something like this, so I guess this is something smart from something this insane. Meanwhile The Nostalgia Chick discovers that Mechakara is amongst them and is… taken care of by Mechakara’s drill. Where it came from I don’t want to know but the look on Film Brain’s face is priceless as he makes it sound like Mechakara and The Nostalgia Chick were making Space Whoopee! Meanwhile the Nostalgia Critic wants everyone to know what the plan is.
8-Bit Mickey: Get to Europa, Save Spoony, See What’s up the Hole then have a sexy dance party! (Cut to James, Rowdy & John physically.)
TLOTA: Why wait? ORAC! (James puts on a Fez) HIT IT! (The sexy dance party music from “Family Guy” is heard as James, Rowdy & John dance in a circle with several scantily clad ladies before cutting to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): After that Mechakara and The Nostalgia Chick now calling herself 7 of 11 arrive but Lupa thinks something isn’t Kosher between the two while everyone thinks the two did the intergalactic in bed tango! Meanwhile The Critic’s Ship and Turl & Zod’s ship both reach Europa as life signs are detected and an away team of Phelous, Sad Panda now dressed as The 11th Doctor and Sage making it down to find Spoony and tell him Ma-Ti is inside him and a whole lot of Zod & Turl’s forces meeting them. Meanwhile Zod & Turl’s ship comes into range of The Critic’s ship… (Cut to a clip of Kerr Avon from Blake’s 7 saying “Unless they’re planning to throw nuts at one another I don’t see much of a fight developing before it gets light.” before cutting back to the movie) and Part three comes to an end.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Part four begins with Mechakara continues his sabotage of the Exit Strategy and The Critic being fooled into shutting down their defenses and Zod & Turl go onto the attack and orders for the Critic to surrender as for those stuck on Europa…Well let’s just say it was a bad Idea for Phelous to wear a red shirt! (Cut to Phelous being slaughtered like no one’s business.)
John Santos (Voiceover): But for every downside, it appears that for the one dead down on Europa he regenerates back on the Exit Strategy but thankfully The Critic teleports Angry Joe over to kill the Tactical Weapons officer and sends Turl and Zod into panic mode.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Not soon after, the Critic dresses Dreddfully and makes quick work of those holding Spoony, Sad Panda and Sage the three are teleported back to the Exit Strategy and OH SNAP! (Cut to James, Rowdy and John)
TLOTA: PREPARE TO HIT THE DIRT!
Rowdy & John (In unison): PREPARING TO HIT THE DIRT!
TLOTA: DUCK AND COVER!
John Santos: AND COVERING! (Cut to the bullets flying before cutting to James’ mom looking out from her room before a near hit from a bullet sends her back into her room, James’ dad holding copies of “Heil Honey I’m Home” before a stray shot obliterates the discs and he runs to grab a gun and Rowdy trying to make a mad dash for the front door before being caught between bullet fire like in an Arcade Shooting Range where the character walks side to side either getting hit before Rowdy shouts “SCREW IT!” before taking a flying leap back into James’ room before cutting back to the movie as James & Rowdy do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that barrage of bullets and teleportational mishaps. Cinema Snob is captured and Part four comes to an end with The Nostalgia Critic being used to cushion Spoony’s fall! Part five begins with Luke lamenting the loss of Cinema Snob and the Cinema Snob being held captive by a lobbyist who happens to be The Executor in disguise.
Rowdy (Voiceover): UGH! Seeing that writer chained up like that is giving me a case of PTSD! While The Executor is slowly trying to seduce Cinema Snob to his side, The Nostalgia Critic is with Film Brain a very deep and thought provoking questions about what is going on? (Cut to the clip of The Nostalgia Critic wondering and pondering about the Plot Hole and making a decision.) And to be honest, the questions he’s asking could be interpreted in a different way as to what is my life amounting to or what is my future and it lasts long enough to make a point. Meanwhile Lupa tries to convince Todd to keep an eye on The Nostalgia Chick and Linkara which leads to a funny joke about being in a relationship Todd gets assimilated into Turl’s plan. Soon after that The Nostalgia Critic and everyone else discover what C.R. & JesuOtaku built, A Dream Amplifier which will allow someone to enter into someone’s mind and who do they get for the job? Film Brain of Course! After a brief trip into Spoony’s perception of everyone Film Brain enters Spoony’s Superego where we see… (Show clip of Spoony in the thong from “Dune”) SWEET BUTTERY JESUS! ARGH! (Cut to everyone trying to avert their eyes and screaming in disgust and James throwing the Evil eye towards that scene!)
TLOTA: UGH OH GOD! ORAC TELL ME…
ORAC (Audio only): I have already labeled that as Nightmare Rocket Fuel! (Cut to the movie as James & Rowdy do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So as you try to get past that moment Lupa goes to JewWario to help her discover who is behind Mechakara’s plan. Meanwhile The Executor continues his seduction of the Cinema Snob. But enough about that, Linkara tries to escape his predicament & get to the others. Meanwhile Film Brain comes upon Spoony’s Subconscious where Ma-Ti’s Character resides ending Part five. Part six begins as The Last Angry Geek confronts The Executor but the Cinema Snob intervenes leaving The Last Angry Geek vulnerable for an attack which leaves The Last Angry Geek… (Show The Last Angry Geek exploding.) a puddle of blood on the floor. Finally convincing The Cinema Snob to join his side. Meanwhile Film Brain discovers Ma-Ti and The Plot Hole are one and time is not on their side. Ma-Ti tells Film Brain of Cinema Snob’s betrayal and The Executor’s plans.
Rowdy (Voiceover): And just to add to the totally fracked levels Mechakara dropped the oxygen levels and has begun his attack. With Lupa and JewWario still able to stand and defend the ship. JewWario gets the oxygen levels back up and Lupa goes into Cynthia Rothrock mode while JewWario goes into Topless Takei mode! While trying to convince Todd to wake up Lupa as she relents to going out on a date with Todd and shows his face to the two of them resulting in (Show clip of Nostalgia Chick Screaming waking up the crew, making some of Mechakara’s human flesh come off before cutting to James, Rowdy & John physically as the scream shatters James & Rowdy’s glasses and all three of their eardrums.)
John Santos: Well, I guess we didn’t need them anyway.
John Santos: What?
Rowdy: What? (James walks away as Rowdy and John say What multiple times before coming back with two plungers and Pops Rowdy & John’s hearing into place before doing his own.)
TLOTA: That’s better. (Cut to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): With The Nostalgia Critic and everyone revived from nearly dying from Lack of Oxygen thought technically their lives are saved because they were hopped up on Painkillers Lupa tells the others that Mechakara was on board to sabotage their plans but before he can attack, Todd tells the reason he’s a part of this is for the secret of Malachite’s Hand which…. Well let me say he doesn’t have it. The secret that is. But Turl accidentally spills he knows Jack & Squat about it. Pissed off Mechakara escapes being captured and they quickly remember Film Brain is still inside the Dream device. Once he’s awake he tells what Ma-Ti told them ending Part Six. Part Seven begins with the spirit of The Last Angry Geek contacting Luke to find what he calls the High Brow Reviewer to teach Luke in the ways of The Plot, He finds the High Brow reviewer in Oancitizen who gives Luke a shot of Alex Proyasac to help him understand the plot which leads to... possibly one of the best speeches on the Art of Movies and The Plot (Cut to the Speech by Oancitizen)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Meanwhile The Executor decides that with The Critic and everyone on the Exit Strategy on the Run that it’s party time. But the fact is that they’ve been preparing an attack with Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen being the Distraction while Joe and Marzgurl go on the attack on the ship and Phelous leading the attack from the Exit Strategy.
John Santos (Voiceover): What about the Nostalgia Critic?
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well, after much deep thought as the others are putting towards stopping The Executor, The Critic made a decision he’s leaving. He can’t put everyone else in danger and he can’t stick around, he’s going to confront what’s in the Plot Hole, not even Film Brain’s pleas won’t stop him from doing what he needs to do. Meanwhile Luke has decided to take on the Cinema Snob & The Executor himself and Telling Film Brain that he’s the only hope for them should Luke & The Critic fail. Meanwhile Nostalgia Chick & Oancitizen teleport onto Zod’s ship as Ursa & Non while Joe & Marzgurl attack and try to sabotage the fleet all while… (Distraction Song plays as it cuts to James, Rowdy & John)
Rowdy: Well, I will give it this, The Nostalgia Chick does have a good singing voice and she does a good job. What do you think? (James has a demented look in his eye.)
John Santos: UH-OH!
Rowdy: What is it?
John Santos: Last time James had that look in his eye, Bambi’s sacrifice became Venison Parmesan! (Rowdy mumbles to himself before he puts 2+2 together)
Rowdy: CLEAR THAT KEYBOARD! (Rowdy types something then Everything goes dark)
John Santos (Audio only): Dude, What the hell did you do?
Rowdy (Audio only): What are you talking about, I shut off the video!
John Santos (Audio only): NO YOU DIDN’T YOU SHUT OFF THE ENTIRE REVIEW!
Rowdy (Audio only): WELL HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW HOW JAMES’ LAPTOP WORKS, IT’S BEEN FOREVER SINCE I HAD A WINDOWS COMPUTER!
John Santos (Audio only): WELL FIX IT YOU PUTZ!
Rowdy (Audio only): I’M ON IT! GIVE ME A MINUTE! (Cut to everything coming back and James still looking demented.)
Rowdy: That ought to fix things.
John Santos: Not everything.
Rowdy: ORAC! MUTE THE AUDIO! (The song is quickly silenced)
TLOTA: Thanks, it’s just that, I thought that song was just the misstep to make me not like this part.
Rowdy: Well, I liked it and …
TLOTA: We can see why! John You have the review, I’m going to take Rowdy to calm down and I know how. (James takes Rowdy off screen and says OH DAD! Before cutting to the movie as John does a voiceover)
John Santos (Voiceover): As the song ends thanks to Oancitizen breaking away from being Non, who isn’t supposed to talk and all. Marzgurl, Joe, Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen are teleported out of Zod & Turl’s ship and just as their Armada attacks they blow themselves up! Meanwhile Spoony breaks through long enough to tell Film Brain that Ma-Ti has set a trap that could wipe everyone off the map all thanks to The Nostalgia Critic. And at the end of Part Seven the Battle between the Exit Strategy and the Zod & Turl McMansion is on as The Nostalgia Critic goes to Warp one into the Plot Hole. (Cut to James with Rowdy looking as if the life had been sucked out of him.)
John Santos: How long did he last?
TLOTA: One minute. A lot longer than others who had to hear my dad talk about what’s wrong with the world because it’s not how the way he wants especially when Rowdy tried to explain why 2+2=4.
Rowdy (Disturbed as all get out): I welcome death! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Our Finale begins with the Death Bomb ready to wipe the Exit Strategy out from the stars when… (The Laser shuts down)
The Executor: What the Hell?
Luke Mochrie: Oh yeah, I should’ve told you. I put Sugar into your Laser cannons. Apparently they’re great for taking out Laser banks. (The Laser cannon coughs as The Nostalgia Critic’s Waa-Waa horn plays before cutting to James, Rowdy and John as they comically shrug their shoulders and smile before cutting back to the movie as James, Rowdy and John do voiceovers)
The Executor: Snob
The Executor: Kill him!
Rowdy (Voiceover): With that the battle between Luke & The Snob is on. Meanwhile Film Brain returns to confront Ma-Ti as Ma-Ti lets Film Brain know that The Critic’s Reckoning is upon him as The Nostalgia Critic wakes up in his living room. Feeling let down he checks his E-Mail when he sees The Screenplay to “To Boldly Flee”? The Hell and then the Nostalgia Critic meets up with DOUG WALKER?! YES! In a brilliant move Doug Walker and The Nostalgia Critic meet as the two get into deep conversations about The creation of the Nostalgia Critic and everything about Character development and reality itself.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But back with The Exit Strategy taking on Zod & Turl the fight is at a standstill the exit strategy can’t break through the shield and Turl continues to butcher Shakespeare. Thankfully JesuOtaku comes up with a way to enhance a Red Shell however hitting an electrical conduit returns JesuOtaku to being herself before she became Edward from Cowboy Bebop while Luke and Snob duel it out until… (Luke stops The Snob before Luke kills Snob and tosses away his lightsaber and James shouts off screen “YEOW! SON OF A BITCH!” and Luke gives his “I’m an artist” speech.)
John Santos (Voiceover): Basically he’s saying I’m an artist not a sellout so you can take your offer and shove it! But back with the Exit Strategy as they try the modifications to the Red Shell Torpedo Mechakara arrives onto Zod & Turl’s ship and he is PISSED! Meanwhile Doug and The Critic continue their conversation that if he steps away from the story Doug created then everything falls apart because if one element leaves then everything falls apart. Meanwhile Sage discovers Film Brain having gone back to face Ma-Ti. As Film Brain tries to convince Ma-Ti that The Nostalgia Critic has changed but it falls on deaf ears before Sage comes into the mess in full Super Saiyan mode!
Rowdy (Voiceover): Soon enough The Executor decided that if Luke won’t turn then he was gonna fry! Until The Snob shakes off his corporate apathy and uses that power to take down the Executor. Back to the battle between Zod & Turl’s ship and The Exit Strategy it’s not looking good for the Exit Strategy until Linkara comes in full throttle as Comicron one gives The Exit Strategy enough time to finish the modifications and hit Zod & Turl’s ship hard enough just so it can land right on to The Executor! (Cut to the Clip of the Executor as he’s looking at the ship as it hits him as Phelous saying “Oh This is Gonna suck!” overdubs what The Executor says.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And just to really make them suffer even more Sad Panda finds the remote to the Thermal Detonator that Mechakara ate in part five and well…
Mechakara: To be…
Zod: Or not…
Turl: TO BEEEEEEEE! (Cut to the clip from Star Trek VI as Captain Sulu says “Target that explosion and Fire!” and the Excelsior fires then cutting to Captain Kirk on the Enterprise shouting “FIRE!” before cutting to see the Death Bomb go kaboom!)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Back with the Nostalgia Critic & Doug. Doug tells him what will the choice is and in a moment of brilliance decides NOT to be selfish and do the right thing to give Ma-Ti peace and acknowledges that Ma-Ti was great. However, with Ma-Ti out of the plot hole it becomes unstable! Whoops! But from out of nowhere even though he is stuck The Nerd arrives and The Critic decides the only way to contain it is to make it bigger… WAIT WHAT?! Well, it works I guess and everyone in the Exit Strategy embraces their destiny and enter The Plot hole.
The Nostalgia Critic: My God... What have I done?
Angry Video Game Nerd: What you had to do, Critic. Like you always do. Turn death... into another chance to blow shit up.
TLOTA (Voiceover): As The Critic and The Nerd finally make peace. The Nostalgia Critic embraces his fate as he merges with the plot hole. (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic punching and merging with The Plot Hole as the audio of “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith at the 3:14.5 mark as clips of The Nostalgia Critic’s past reviews play intercut with the Nostalgia Critic merging until the song ends and The Nostalgia Critic disappears)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And here’s where I’m left in a state of conflict as to how to feel. For me thatguywiththeglasses.com’s biggest draw was in my opinion The Nostalgia Critic and now he’s gone. What will happen to everyone on the site now that the face of the site is gone. Who will be there to pick up where the Nostalgia Critic left off and take the reins of being the face of thatguywiththeglasses.com? Who can fill The Nostalgia Critic’s shoes? But I guess that will be answered in time. For now, everyone has returned to Earth and it appears that Spoony also didn’t make it back until one special person arrives… (The sound of Jingling bells is heard then a flash of light arrives to signal the arrival of Santa Christ!)
Rowdy (Voiceover): That’s right, Santa Christ has arrived and brought a special gift for all of them! That’s right Spoony survived and Dr. Insano stops by to give a gigantic plot dump and get his stuff back. After all of that the rest of the team celebrate as if they survived the end of the universe. And The Spirits of the Nostalgia Critic and Last Angry Geek come to comfort Film Brain and let him know everything is gonna be okay. (Cut to the ending before cutting to James, Rowdy & John physically)
TLOTA: So that was “To Boldly Flee” and I have to admit I still remain confused on how to feel! (Cut to clips of the movie as James & Rowdy do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Well as far as I’m concerned personally, if this is the end for The Nostalgia Critic, he went out with a bang. This felt like everything that had happened to the Nostalgia Critic led to this moment. The Story was solid, the acting was great, the effects and battles were amazing and I really felt for all of the characters.
TLOTA (Voiceover): I wholly agree because what it boils down to even though the face of thatguywiththeglasses.com is gone, I surely hope the site that brought us him and so many others I’ve grown to like and accept as equals to the likes of well-known reviewers and journalistic characters. But if this is the swan song for the site and everyone who worked on it. Give it a watch and you will not regret it! (Alarm klaxons blare as it cuts to James, Rowdy & John physically)
TLOTA: What’s going on around here?!
ORAC: Several thousand people for the Government has surrounded the building!
James’ dad: JAMES ARM YOURSELF AND GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE! NOW!
TLOTA: John, hide ORAC and get me the keys to the gun locker! Rowdy, I hope you feel today is a good day to die! (Rowdy looks at the situation with an “Oh I’m a dead man” look on his face as the scene cuts to James, Rowdy & John Santos loaded with guns as they come to see Christy Romano with a gun in her hands and James’ parents aiming their guns at her.)
Christy Romano: James this doesn’t look…
TLOTA: DON’T SAY IT! Couldn’t your hatred of me suffice? Was it worth your soul to get close to me, just to kill me?
Christy Romano: You don’t understand.
TLOTA: Well tell me and maybe…
Christy Romano: I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!
Christy Romano: James, I wanted to make it easy FOR you! (James pulls the trigger shooting her in the abdomen as she walks closer she gets shot again by James and as she is at the end of the barrel of the gun James fires a third time as she walks to James nearly dead and close to her.)
Christy Romano (Weak and dying): Damn You… James Faraci…The…Last…Of…The…A…mer…icans. (Christy falls onto James with her blood staining his shirt before three guns lock and load as James stands with emotionless disgust on his face as The Kardashians come in ready to kill the whole lot of them.)
Kourtney Kardashian: Drop
Kim Kardashian: Your Weapons
Khloe Kardashian: You’re all under arrest!
Rowdy: Now ladies, I know you three and I aren’t friends but let’s face facts, I’m just a victim of circumstance. So why don’t you three read what’s on the card and everything will be fine (James’ mom tries to pull out a weapon when The Kardashians kill her and James’ dad shouts NO! as she falls in Slow Motion to the floor. Rowdy snatches the weapon used to kill James’ mom and blows the heads right off the Kardashians before he is shot as Soldiers enter the houseand falls in slow motion before cutting to James’ dad holding his dying wife.)
James’ mom: I know our kids disappointed you by not being you and you hated the fact I have a job but I always loved you. (James’ mom dies in James’ dad’s arms. James’ dad starts shooting as Soldiers continue to come through the front door when one comes from the back and shoots him and gives a salute as he falls in slow motion before cutting to John Santos shooting everything in sight and Shouting “James” as he is shot and falls in slow motion before cutting to see James surrounded several thousand to his one as he loads another round into his 303 Lee Enfield British Rifle)
TLOTA: Well if this is it, then I’m going down the way I want to... Fighting for my freedom. I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans & That’s My Opinion. (James stands over Christy Romano’s Corpse with Emotionless disgust, pulls out his gun, takes aim, smiles a wicked grin before everything fades to black and a chorus of gunfire is heard for two minutes.)