(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As I sat through all the Batman movies for research on which movies I planned on reviewing I knew I'd have to talk about Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" (Cut to opening credit of "Batman & Robin" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And believe it or not this was THE first Batman movie I saw in theaters and I enjoyed it as a matter of fact I thought it was one of the better movies outside of Titanic & Men In Black but apparently it got one hell of a lambasting from the critics but it did make it's money back so obviously people watched it. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So if people watched it and the movie made it's money back for Warner Brothers though technically it was in the foreign market and in the then burgeoning DVD market why is it considered bad?(Cut to clips of "Batman & Robin" and the previous "Batman" movies as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I think a lot of it came from the fact that it was rushed. Because it was in 1986 that the first "Batman" movie was in Pre-Production and didn't come out until three years later becoming one of the best "Batman" movies ever. The Sequel "Batman Returns" didn't get released until 1992 three years after the first one. Then in 1995 three years after "Batman Returns" did we get "Batman Forever" but then two years after that did we get "Batman & Robin". So obviously they were working with somethings about the characters and the story and the plot that was obviously incomplete. Like the fact instead of it being Barbara Gordon being Batgirl, It was Alfred's "Niece" and I put those quotation marks because Barbara Wilson played by Alicia Silverstone while wasn't bad as Batgirl left something to be desired when it came to the role because A) Alicia Silverstone didn't try to hide her American Accent with something closer to Alfred's actor Michael Gough and his accent & B) She didn't feel a part of anything involving anything with The Dynamic Duo until the third act, up until then it was like a five second moment trying to give depth to her and nothing came from it. Then we have the problems with Robin. He sounds like he's trying to make certain points about how the partnership between the two isn't working well. I know the gag is this bit from the Nostalgia Critic's review of this when it comes to him trying to be heard makes him less of a character and more of a whiney pansy, but when Batman doesn't explain why he's acting the way he does because of the experiences he had in both the Tim Burton movies of course Batman is gonna look like a bat-dick and while I'm on the subject of Batman himself, as I stated before in my "In Defense of ...Bat-Fleck" episode George Clooney wasn't a bad choice to play the Dark Knight, he was just underutilized. He didn't play Batman as a dark figure but I think at that point he wasn't at least George Clooney didn't think Batman was as Dark a figure as he was in the first movies but he should've been more of a mentor or teacher to Robin so he could've avoided the pitfalls of falling for an enemy like when Bruce fell for Selina Kyle in Batman Returns but neither of them found out their alter-egos until the middle of the third act. But instead he became condescending towards Robin and questioned everything he did because it wasn't how he would've handled it. But there is a positive to his performance, he was introspective when it came to his past. He wasn't haunted by his parents murder rather he was inspired to be better and do better to save Gotham both as Bruce Wayne as a Philanthropic person and as Batman when he puts on the cape and cowl and takes down the bad guys and speaking of them we have Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Poison Ivy played by Uma Thurman who probably knew the movie wasn't good but they decided to do their best with what they had though I do wish they had tone down the Ice Puns with Mr. Freeze and I did hope Uma Thurman would've sound less whiny than Robin but that's while she was trying to ram her eco-terroristic views down everyone's throats while also trying to seduce people. Another problem the production had was too many opinions and not enough people saying no as I found out in Oliver Harper's reviews The People running the toy line wanted a whole lot of costumes and vehicles for characters which I think explains all the costumes Poison Ivy had as well as the way the Batmobile and everything other vehicle in this movie looked like a something a little kid would have. If Joel Schumacher had the stones to say if you're interested in your own way of doing this, I would be glad to hand the reigns over to you but since I'm the director I'm doing it the way I wanted to. Which leads me to the next problem of this movie Joel Schumacher instead of standing up with a vision and a story to tell he had a cluster of too many cooks in his kitchen which lead to him apologizing throughout his commentary track on the movie and he also let us know he screwed the pooch in his own way when it came to making this movie! (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA: So is "Batman & Robin" really that bad? Not really.(Cut to clips of "Batman & Robin" as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): It's not one of the worse movies I've ever seen, in fact I'd rather watch "Batman & Robin" than some of the movies I've seen and reviewed, it's not the worst comic book movie adaptation, I've seen way, way, way worse Comic book adaptations than "Batman & Robin" (Cut to the DVD Cover of Seth Rogen's "Green Hornet" and James says "HINT! HINT!" before cutting to clips of "Batman & Robin" as James continues his voiceover) it is not the worst Batman movie I've seen, trust me there is one to which I have NOTHING Positive to say about. As for "Batman & Robin" there are some positives I have yet to mention to come out of this movie for example the soundtrack and the orchestral soundtrack was aggressively enjoying. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And then there is this moment in the Nostalgia Critic's review (Cut to The moment in The Nostalgia Critic's review of "Batman & Robin" in which Poison Ivy shouts out "CURSES!" And it then cuts to The Nostalgia Critic "GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE! THEY DID IT! THEY FINALLY DID IT! BATMAN HAS DRIVEN ME BAT-SHIT CRAZY!" (Nostalgia Critic goes bonkers for Banana balls) before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: What did you expect? Me to use the Bat-Credit Card? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic going bonkers for Banana Balls after shouting "A BAT-CREDIT CARD?!" and shooting up the place before cutting to James constantly ducking stray bullet rounds)
TLOTA: Now look at what happened, Got to get going anyway, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion(Nostalgia Critic is still going off as a bullet nicks James scalp and James runs off screen.)
Monday, January 18, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
(The Rock cover of the 1960’s Batman TV Series by Chris Holland plays in the background as the red bar spins then cutting to a green background with James running alongside The Rowdy Reviewer then cut to James throwing a punch with the onomatopoeia with the word “THWACK” in it before cutting to The Rowdy Reviewer throwing a kick and the onomatopoeia with the word “AIEEE” before cutting to the two with their arms crossed and then flip their right arms to hit the guy behind them and the onomatopoeia with the word “YOWZA!” in it before the two fist bump and James has his left fist in a defensive pose as Rowdy shifts before the music continues and cuts to James’ smiling head and the words in a Batcape “The Last Of The Americans” before being swept away as the rest of “Team The Last Of The Americans” come in Silly costumes walking from the right to the left before cut to James’ smiling face with the words “Starring James Faraci” and turning his head to the left before cutting to a pic of The Rowdy Reviewer looking towards the right and the words “Chris Lee Moore” over his face before cutting to the two defending themselves then cut to the rest of “Team The Last Of The Americans” in more silly costumes with more onomatopoeias and a few people including Mike Michaud and Rob Walker looking like they pissed off the wrong person before cutting to the backside of James’ brother in law’s car with the names over it Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Eric Kurtzke before cutting to the names John Ross Santos, Traci Hines, Mike Santos, Renee Miller before cutting to a cut out of Eliza Dushku on a motorcycle driving over the same backside of James’ car and the words “And Eliza Dushku as Miss Kitka/ Catwoman” before cutting to the same backside of the car and the words “Written By James Faraci” before cutting to James in his Office Quarters.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Guess what happened to me during my Christmas Break? (Cut to a nighttime shot of James locking up the Studio when he feels something hit his ankle and looks down to see a Cybermat. James locks up as he grabs his Sonic Screwdriver and the climbing music from the 1960’s Batman TV series plays as he walks a few steps) Okay, that music is kind of creepy yet silly at the same time. (The Climbing music continues as James follows the Cybermat to an alleyway in which James short circuits the thing in which the music reaches a crescendo and the light from the Sonic Screwdriver shows the message “Look down”)
TLOTA (Audio only): “Look Down” (Cut to James holding the Sonic Screwdriver)
TLOTA: What does that mean? (James looks down to see a rope circling his ankles and closing in around him.) Uh-oh! (James screams as he’s being flung upside down and going up several stories only to be grabbed by Christopher Nolan’s Batman played by Paulo Fonseca)
C.N. Batman: WHY ARE YOU GIVING BEN AFFLECK THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO BE ME? (Cut to James being held upside down)
TLOTA: BATMAN?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! (Cut to Christopher Nolan’s Batman)
C.N. Batman: THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE BATMAN! THE BATMAN GROWLS AT EVILDOERS AND PUTS THE FEAR OF DARKNESS INTO THEM! (Cut to James being held upside down)
TLOTA: WHILE SOUNDING LIKE WOLVERINE WITH LARYNGYTIS? (Cut to Christopher Nolan’s Batman)
C.N. Batman: THE BATMAN THAT USES FEAR TO KEEP CRIMINALS AT BAY AND I BROOD TO WATCH OVER MY CITY! (Cut to James being held upside down)
TLOTA: WHILE ACTING MORE RIDICULOUS THAN THE SCHUMACHER BATMAN EVEN THOUGH SCHUMACHER’S BATMAN HAD BAT-NIPPLES! (Cut to Christopher Nolan’s Batman)
C.N. Batman: I DO THINGS WITH INTELLIGENCE! (Cut to James being held upside down)
TLOTA: WHILE SHOVING THE MAN WHO BOTH SAVED AND TAINTED THE BATMAN FRANCHISE BY SHOVING HIS POLITICAL VIEWS ON THINGS! (Cut to Christopher Nolan’s Batman)
C.N. Batman: WHY DO KEEP COMING UP WITH FUNNY COMEBACKS?! HUMOR IS THE LAST THING MOVIE GOERS WANT WHEN IT COMES TO MOVIES STARRING COMIC BOOK HEROES ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE GREATEST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! (Cut to James being held upside down)
TLOTA: OKAY FIRST OFF, YOU’RE NOT THE GREATEST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! OKAY, THAT MANTLE BELONGS TO SUPERMAN AND SECONDLY HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT THEY’RE DOING AT MARVEL WITH THEIR MOVIES? THEY’RE ABLE TO BE A LITTLE SILLY BUT STILL KEEP THINGS HEAVY ENOUGH TO MAKE A POINT! (Cut to Christopher Nolan’s Batman)
C.N. Batman: HUMOR IS THE LAST THING PEOPLE NEED IN A COMIC BOOK MOVIE! THEY NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THE NEWS OF THE DAY! KNOWING THAT WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A FEW, EVERY POLITICIAN, RELIGIOUS FIGURE AND OFFICER OF THE LAW IS ON THE TAKE! JUSTICE MUST HAPPEN WHEN A FEW DECIDE TO TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS! AND NEVER CALL THAT PUSSY THAT DARES TO SHOW ITSELF INTO THE LIGHT THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER! THAT MANTLE BELONGS TO ME BECAUSE I BROOD IN THE SHADOWS TO KEEP AN EYE ON EVERYTHING NO ONE ELSE SEES! (Cut to James being held upside down)
TLOTA: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT? I’VE HAD IT, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU THINKING YOU’RE THE ALPHA AND OMEGA WHEN IT COMES TO COMIC BOOK SUPERHEROES AND SUPERHERO MOVIES ESPECIALLY IN THE DC UNIVERSE. SO GUESS WHAT? COME JANUARY YOUR ASS BELONGS TO ME FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS BECAUSE I’M GOING AFTER YOU IN MY REVIEWS! (Cut to Christopher Nolan’s Batman)
C.N. Batman: YOU THINK I WON’T BE WATCHING TO SEE IF YOU BE RIGHT IN YOUR THOUGHTS! I’LL BE WATCHING AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I WILL STRIKE AGAINST YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR! (James gets launched down into the alleyway, screaming all the way until he lands)
TLOTA: BATMAN YOU FREAKING PSYCHOPATH! YOUR ASS IS MINE COME JANUARY! I’LL SHOW YOU HOW FAR YOU’VE FALLEN FROM BEING THE GREATEST! DO YOU HEAR ME! I’LL…SHOW…YOU! (Cut to James in his office quarters.)
TLOTA: Yeah, you could say I had a rough night that night, but my statement still stands. For the next three months I am going to knock Batman down a few bat-pegs! (Cut to clips of Batman from different times in different forms of Media as the Danny Elfman theme plays in the background and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Now don’t get me wrong, I still like the Batman and I’m gonna do him right by talking about three different versions of Batman. One from the past, one from the current time and one of the future. However, I’m going to do things in nonlinear way. We’re starting in the past, jumping into the future and end in the current time. (Cut to James physically in his office quarters)
TLOTA: So let’s start with the first Batman who got well known for being Batman the Adam West version. (Cut to clips of the Adam West Batman series while the 1960’s Batman series theme plays in the background while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay let’s get something straight, I found myself in the zeitgeist era in which the two Tim Burton movies were in the theaters and in a moment of intelligence someone decided to put the classic series starring Adam West as the Dark Knight himself Batman and Burt Ward as Robin the Boy Wonder in reruns & syndication which was where I think many from my generation saw the series for the first time and to be honest, I found myself loving the series maybe it was because everything was so much how I wanted to see Batman and his gallery of Rogues for the first time and for many it remains Iconic for a reason and Thank God am I glad to know for the first time ever, it’s available for home release on DVD & Blu-Ray because like “The Dukes Of Hazzard” it’s a series no one should miss. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: What we didn’t know when we were younger was that in between the first & second seasons of this series there was a movie made to serve as either a sort of Pilot episode or a sort of finale and that movie is known as “Batman The Movie 1966” (Cut to the “Batman The Movie 1966” movie Opening Credit before cutting to clips from the movie while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Originally meant to be the pilot for the Adam West Batman series “Batman The Movie” is in the grand scheme of things harmless and entertaining and up until the series being released on DVD & Blu-Ray was the only available media legitimately connected to the series that was available to the public. Now I know what you’re thinking. “James, what can be said about this movie that Linkara and The Blockbuster Buster didn’t say in their crossover?” “What can you add to this?” (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Well the answer is simple, it’s to show that having a superhero have a sense of humor doesn’t diminish their abilities to fight for crime. So let’s take a look at “Batman The Movie 1966” (Cut to the intro of “Batman The Movie 1966”as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins with this Acknowledgement “We wish to express our gratitude to the enemies of crime and crusaders against crime throughout the world for their inspirational example to them, and lovers of pure escapism, lovers of the unadulterated, lovers of the ridiculous and the bizarre… to fun lovers everywhere this picture is respectfully dedicated” plus this little message from the Producers “If we have over looked any sizable group of lovers, we apologize” (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: It was obviously written to say: “Hey this maybe a comic book movie, this is a comedy, relax, have a laugh and enjoy yourselves.” Without having to use the obvious “If you have to explain the joke, there is no joke” type of trope while letting people know that crime fighters with a sense of humor aren’t a bad thing. ARE YOU LISTENING TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT AND DC COMICS ENTERTAINMENT?! (Cut to “Batman The Movie” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So as our announcer who is actually Executive Producer William Dozier in both the announcer in this movie and the Adam West Batman series tells about a yacht owned by Commodore Schmidlapp that on a tip is going to be attacked. Faster than Superman can drop off the baddie into the custody of the Police, Bruce Wayne played by Adam West & Dick Grayson played by Burt Ward get to the Bat-poles that lead down into the Bat-cave under Wayne Manor to become Batman & Robin. (Sounding like Arnold Schwarzenegger) They get to the Bat-Choppah… (Returns to his normal voice) and after the yacht does a vanishing act even David Copperfield wishes he could perform; Batman gets attacked by “Jaws’” 1960’s counterpart. But not to worry Batman’s got himself some Shark Repellent Bat-Spray and the Shark… (Cut to clip of the shark exploding before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: I’ve heard of movies jumping the shark but this is the first exploding shark that Pre-dates the “Jaws” movie franchise killing their sharks via explosions by about a decade. (Cut to “Batman The Movie” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So after surviving an exploding Shark attack, what’s the first thing to do? Have a press conference with Police Commissioner Gordon played by Neil Hamilton & Chief O’Hara played by Stafford Repp watching as The Dynamic Duo answer what in Bat-Hell Happened?
Reporter: According to rumor Batman, a transatlantic yacht approaching this city simply disappeared.
Batman: Nonsense. How can a yacht “Simply” disappear?
Reporter: You mean it isn’t true?
Batman: I stand by my answer.
Reporter two: This yacht, I believe belonged to the famous “Big Ben Distilleries”.
Batman: That’s Right.
Reporter two: Isn’t the firm’s proprietor Commodore Schmidlapp bringing with him a fantastic new invention from the Big Ben’s research laboratory?
Batman: Please, no more questions about that ship.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Then what do you want the line of questions to be about? What you’re going to be wearing on a date with Catwoman, in this movie played by Lee Meriweather. Who happens to be there as a female reporter from…? (Show clip Catwoman playing Miss Kitanya Irenya Tatanya Karensa Alisoff or simply Miss Kitka talking to the Dynamic Duo at the Press conference before cutting to James shaking his head and saying No repeatedly so much he walks out of his Office quarters into the main lobby before cutting to everyone else at team “The Last Of The Americans” looking at James before he makes it back to his office quarters still repeating the word “No” until he sits down.)
TLOTA: Okay, a bit of a history lesson here for everyone as old as my nieces, back when the series AND the movie was made The United States & Russia back then known as the Soviet Union were engaged in a “Cold War” neither side budging until the 1990’s when The Soviet Union went kaputski financially! So the chance of a reporter from The Soviet Union making it to this side of the pond was unthinkable for all our government knew, they could’ve been spies. (Eliza Dushku dressed as Miss Kitka walks into James’ office quarters and sits seductively next to James.)
Miss Kitka: Actually Comrade Faraci, Russians and my fellow comrades were allowed in for various reasons, a press conference was one reason for admittance into your country. Plus, have you not seen “The Americans” on that FX Network? We had spies in your country and you didn’t know it.
TLOTA: Okay first off I’ve heard of “The Americans”, Not a fan by the by AND call me Comrade Faraci again you’ll get it in your Putin!
Miss Kitka: Very Well then, would I be a problem if I sat here while you work?
TLOTA: Okay, but nothing too seductive, I’ve been out of a relationship for a while and well… I’m not into the idea of entertaining such a thought.
Miss Kitka: Very Well…What do I call you?
TLOTA: Call me James and let me do my work in Peace. Please?! (Cut to “Batman The Movie” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): After the press conference, our foursome discuss what really happened out there and soon discovers that The Riddler played by Frank Gorshin, The Joker played by Cesar Romero, The Penguin played by Burgess Meredith and as I said earlier Catwoman played by Lee Meriweather is on the loose. Though I do wonder why the actress from the series Julie Newmar couldn’t do the movie. (Static interrupts the video before cutting to see Julie Newmar from the 1960’s dressed as Catwoman played by Traci Hines)
Julie Newmar: Greetings, You’re probably wondering why I didn’t appear in this movie (Cut to James with a shocked look on his face)
Julie Newmar (Audio only): You see I had a prior engagement which clashed with the schedule of the Production and therefor had to drop out of production. Though I do wish I had portrayed Catwoman in this but Lee did a good job. (Cut to see Julie Newmar)
Julie Newmar: Anyway I apologize for this Purrrr-Fect Interruption. Enjoy the rest of the movie! Bye! (Cut to “Batman The Movie 1966” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Um Okay, getting back to the review. As the four hole up in a bar, their goal is simple, hold Commodore Schmidlapp in their clutches long after he’s served his use to them to get a dehydration device to take the leaders of the United World Organization, dehydrate them then force the nations to pay for their safety. So in short these four are out to, that’s right, take over the world (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting to “Batman The Movie” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But they also know how much a pain Batman can be so they decide to allow Catwoman to don her Miss Kitka disguise again to lure Bruce Wayne into a trap for Batman and Bruce goes along with Kitka on a date which has the two of them well near the end of it the two well listen to the dialogue of these two and you'll know. (Cut to the two of them impassionedly getting close as they talk and Bruce spouts poetry while funky music that you’d hear in the 1970’s plays in the background before cutting to James & Miss Kitka)
TLOTA (Deep bass sounding): Bat & Cat Whoopee! Oh yeah! (Cut to “Batman The Movie” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): However, Riddler, Joker, The Penguin & a squad of their goons come in to wreck the romantic moment as Bruce is Kidnapped and taken to their hideout. Where Bruce even tied up plans on beating them with their own Kidneys if he doesn’t get a chance to see Kitka. (Cut to James and Miss Kitka)
TLOTA: Talk about going so far for a little Stroganoff. (The Joker laughs insanely off screen as James and Miss Kitka look to their left and the camera cuts to Cesar Romero’s The Joker played by Mike Santos, The Penguin played by John Santos and The Riddler played by Eric Kurtzke)
The Joker: Oh trust me you’ll be going a lot farther for more than a little Stroganoff. (Cut to James and Miss Kitka)
TLOTA: Miss Kitka, Get down! ORAC, Delta… (A piece of pipe from the same Direction James moved Kitka out of the way is used to clock James which then cuts to James running around in a field before cutting to see James groggy and tied up in an office chair as Catwoman, The Riddler, The Penguin and The Joker circle James)
TLOTA: HEY YOU FOUR NUTJOBS! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’S BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?!
Catwoman: Well Jimmy boy. (Catwoman touches James making him nervous) You! (Catwoman touches James making him nervous) Are! (Catwoman touches James making him nervous) Bat-Bait!
TLOTA: Bat-bait? BAT BAIT?! Uh you four lovable loco looney tunes should know that The Batman I had to deal with would’ve snapped all four of your necks without remorse and claimed some political or sociological idealistic bat-crap as to why he did what he felt he had to do, trust me The Batman you think is coming ain’t the Batman you’ve been dealing with. (A loud slam is heard as the “Adam West” Batman from the 1960’s played by Paulo Fonseca and “Burt Ward” Robin played by Chris Lee Moore bust in before cutting to James)
TLOTA: HOLY HALLUCINATION! (Cut to Batman and Robin)
Batman: No Hallucination citizen, but a rescue operation as requested by both Commissioner Gordon and your associates! (A Window shatters as “Yvonne Craig” Batgirl played by Rebecca Yaun comes busting in)
Robin: Holy Plot Convenience Batman! It’s Batgirl!
Batgirl: I know you two would never hit a woman so that’s why that cat is gonna get spayed by this Bat! (Cut to The Joker, Riddler, Penguin & Catwoman)
The Penguin: (Squawks for three seconds) But lest you three forget, we have the advantage of… (The four split to see James having disappeared and the Joker laughs)
The Joker: Amazing even Harry Houdini couldn’t have pulled off an escape like that unless…
TLOTA (Audio only): Unless he learned quite a lot from watching every incarnation of Batman! (A Fist comes from the left before an onomatopoeia with the words “Sucker Punch” is seen and then cuts to see James, Batman, Robin & Batgirl in the same place.)
The Riddler (Audio only): But How? (Cut to The Joker, Riddler, Penguin & Catwoman)
The Riddler: How did you escape? (Cut to James, Batman, Robin & Batgirl in the same place.)
TLOTA: Simple (Pulls a Sonic Screwdriver from his back pocket) Always carry an extra Sonic Screwdriver in case of an emergency. If you fail to plan, your plans will fail!
Robin: Wow, what a great moral of life to hear.
Batman: Not now old chum. It’s time we dealt with these four once and for all! (Sixties style Batman series fight music plays in the background as James takes on The Riddler, Batman takes on The Joker, Robin takes on The Penguin and Batgirl takes on Catwoman as onomatopoeias fly as cuts in between each battle before seeing The Joker, The Riddler and The Penguin left unconscious and James carrying an unconscious Catwoman.)
Batman: Citizen, where are you taking her?
TLOTA: She knows where Kitka is, and I’m not going to let her go to you three until I know.
Announcer (played by James Faraci) (Voiceover): Will James find Miss Kitka?
TLOTA: I hope so.
Announcer (played by James Faraci) (Voiceover): Can the triumphant trio get the felonious feline out James’ grasp before he gets spayed?
Batman, Robin & Batgirl: WHAT?
Announcer (played by James Faraci) (Voiceover): We’ll find out after the break same bat-review, same bat-site!
TLOTA: Oy Vey!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually The foursome relent to let Bruce and Kitka meet where Bruce concocts a plan for the two of them to escape connected to a Radio transmitter which he literally in the next scene says was a bunch of Hooey as he opens up a can of Whoop Ass on them and escapes. After getting back to Wayne Manor, The Dynamic Duo suit up again to try and rescue Kitka but instead have another bombshell to deal with leading to the Comedic Highpoint of the movie. (Cut to Batman trying to avoid trying to kill everything around him and having no luck and meeting up with the same groups of People everywhere before cutting to James and Catwoman physically with a large bomb in between them)
TLOTA: Well, at least it’s obvious.
Catwoman: About as purrfectly obvious as that bomb in between us!
TLOTA: What Bomb?
Catwoman: It’s literally towards your left! (James turns to the left to see the bomb in front of him as the bomb running music from the Bomb scene from “Batman The Movie 1966” as James’ eyes enlarge and James grabs the bomb running out of the office building and James running like hell every which way in Sullivan County New York while trying not to harm anything important before he stops at the Neversink Reservoir and look at the audience.)
TLOTA: You know something, its times like these that Adam West said it best when he said (Cut to “Batman The Movie 1966” when Batman says “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb” before cutting back to James physically)
TLOTA: No truer words were ever spoken by anyone in the entertainment industry. Wait a second, Duh! Hello, technological advancements since the movie was released! (James places bomb on the ground and pulls out a portable transportation device, places coordinates into the device and aims the business end of it at the bomb and it vanishes then cuts to a mansion with the words subtitled at the bottom of the screen “Michael Bay’s Mansion” before it’s blown to smithereens then cutting to “Batman The Movie 1966” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): After Batman gets rid of his bomb The Penguin disguises himself as Commodore Schmidlapp in order to get close to the Dynamic Duo so he can rehydrate some dehydrated goons to attack The Dynamic Duo and Batman & Robin go so far as to take The Penguin into the bat-cave to do so. (Cut to James & Catwoman physically)
TLOTA: As if anyone else could be that dumb to mistake one person for another, Right John. (Cut to John dressed normally but still looking and sounding like The Penguin)
John Santos: (Squawks for two seconds) Quite true James my boy! Quite true! (Cut to James and Catwoman)
TLOTA: Wait a second, fool me once Shame on you! Fool me twice, Shame on Me PENGUIN! (James pulls out a Sonic screwdriver to activate a Trap Door Under The Penguin’s feet before he squawk/screams as he falls before hearing a dull thud and a loud “MY CABBAGES!” before cutting back to “Batman The Movie 1966” as James does a voiceover)
The Penguin: This is extraordinary! It’s absolutely extraordinary! I must say that your laboratory exceeds the limits of man’s wildest imagination! Absolutely.
TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s nothing, I went into an old school Police phone booth once and the next thing I knew I was fighting off Tanks the size of Garbage Cans that shouted “EX-TERM-IN-ATE!” But I digress, The Penguin rehydrates the five goons but due to The Penguin’s own stupidity used a heavier level of hydration which leads to the five of them at the slightest touch popping like balloons! But Batman and Robin smartly get him out of the Bat-Cave but the Penguin commandeers the Batmobile which by mere convenience was right around the area they kept the Bat-cycle! The two then race to the Bat-Chopper to see where the four villains are now but one of Riddler’s riddling missiles knocks the Bat-Chopper out of the sky but not before leaving the two of them clues to what has to happen next after the two land in a pile of Foam Rubber.
Batman: What goes up white and comes down yellow & white?
Robin: An Egg!
Batman: How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?
Robin: Make Applesauce.
TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s the clues they use to discover that the four rogues are after the leaders of the United World Organization’s Security Council! So what’s the smart thing to do? Hoof it while the leaders of the U.W.O. Security Council are reduced to dust! But they decide to chase them out in the Bat-Boat to force the sub carrying them to surface leading to the Fourth funniest brawl in a movie I’ve ever seen as Batman & Robin take on The Riddler, The Penguin and The Joker and a squad of goons. Eventually Batman and Robin tie them up to the side of the sub and capture Catwoman leading to the twist everyone saw coming.
Robin: Holy Heartbreak! Miss Kitka! (Batman stares at the audience as "Plaisir D'Amour" plays in the background before cutting to James and Catwoman physically.)
TLOTA: Yeah right, as if removing Catwoman’s mask would reveal… (James grab Catwoman’s mask and discovers that it was “Miss Kitka” all along leading James to stare at the audience as "Plaisir D'Amour" plays in the background as long as the scene where Batman stares at the audience before James stands up and walks into the main lobby, emotionless.)
TLOTA (Emotionless): Get her out of my sight! (Batman, Robin & Batgirl rush in to take Catwoman to the authorities as John Santos walks in from the front door.)
John Santos: Uh, Hi James, Are you in the middle of doing a review?
TLOTA (Emotionless): Hmm? Oh I guess, might as well finish it (Cut to “Batman The Movie 1966” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So Batman grabs the dehydrated nine members of the U.W.O.’s Security Council only for Commodore Schmidlapp idiotically to take the nine, trip over a table, smashing the vials and proceed to sneeze and Batman & Robin to take responsibility for their actions try to fix the situation by separating the dust into their respective differences and they succeed in the separation of the dust but when the duo rehydrates them well…. (Cut to the different members of the council speaking a different language than the ones they’re supposed to speak.)
Batman: Who knows Robin? This strange mixing of the minds maybe the greatest single service ever performed for humanity. (Subtitles under what Batman said reads “OH NOSE NUGGETS! WE SCREWED UP BIG TIME! THEY WILL NOT FORGIVE US FOR THIS) let’s go, But inconspicuously! Though the window, we’ll use our Bat-Ropes, our jobs are finished! (Subtitles under what Batman said reads “LET’S GET OUT OF GOTHAM BEFORE COMMISIONER GORDON HAS CHIEF O’HARA FOLLOW US WITH EVERY SINGLE OFFICER OF GOTHAM’S FINEST COME AFTER US!”)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And like that the movie ends, I’m serious. It ends with Batman & Robin hightailing it out while they still can before The Commissioner can call every cop to arrest the Dynamic Duo! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So yeah, that was “Batman The Movie 1966” and by today’s standards it’s campy, cheesy and silly and I love it for that! (Cut to clips “Batman The Movie 1966” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): As an internet reviewer I should HATE this thing with every ounce of me but believe me after seeing “Batman: The Dark Knight” in movie theaters I bought it just so I could remember when Batman having a sense of humor was not a bad thing. This to me was everything silly about the Silver Age Of Comics and I love it for it and for those who see this movie as a waste of time, I suggest you watch this after watching something as heavy as “Batman: The Dark Knight” movie and see which one you prefer. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But my next battle with the Batman is gonna take me from the past straight into the future to where Batman has gone…. (James takes off his glasses and puts on Sonic Sunglasses.) Beyond! (Audio of Roger Daltry screaming “YEAAH!” from “We don’t get fooled again” by The Who plays in the background.)