Monday, June 13, 2016

The Top Ten Good Things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Movies

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James on the couch in the Lobby)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it's my third anniversary! (Cut to a firework display as the words "The Last Of The Americans' Third Anniversary" is shown over it and "Ode To Joy" is heard in the background before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as you can tell from the end of Last month's review the only person celebrating is... me! Yeah, Kinda sucks! (Eliza coughs off screen before cutting to her in the backroom doorway)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me but what am I? Fricking Chopped Liver? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No, but you're working on my last nerve with this whole "Trying to find out the secret behind the legend of James Faraci" when really, there's nothing to me! But you are not as bad as what I have to deal with. (Cut to scenes from the first three Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover): When it was announced that "Transformers" was hitting the Big Screen in a live action adaptation in 2006, I thought it would be interesting then came the news that A) Michael Bay was directing and B) Shia LaBeouf would be starring in them and quickly my hope for these movies being good died! Why you ask? Simple because between the time Michael Bay made one of my favorite guilty pleasures "Armageddon" & the time he made the "Transformers" he went straight to FUBAR and didn't come back and of course Shia LaBeouf became the Bane of humanity and the second coming of Pauly Shore yet no one noticed because everyone except the smart people because I've discovered idiots run the world and watch bad movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But having nothing to live off but Liquid I.Q. just to watch all three of Shia LaBeouf's "Transformers" movies, I somehow found ten things that were surprisingly good, not saying I liked or even thought these movies were good, I wish someone else had wrote, directed and casted these movies but for the sake of argument and discussion these are the Top 10 Good things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Heaven help me... (Cut to the version of "The Transformers" performed by Lion as clips from the three Shia LaBeouf "Transformers" movies are shown before cutting to the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies logo and the words "Top 10 good things to come from" is above the logo before cutting to see the logo transform to the number 10 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) It honors the origin... for the most part.

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is something that I WILL give Bay credit for. He told how the Autobots and Decepticons got to our planet fairly accurately to the original series and that is something MOST adaptations of materials like Comic Books and Cartoons and TV Shows into movies are not too good at. But for me it shows these two refugee groups finding their way to our primitive backwoods planet. So Congrats Bay you got one thing right mostly. I mean come on Both ships landed on Earth! But that is a minor hiccup in getting the origin 75% right

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 9 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) Linkin Park

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me the music is as much a part of the movie as is the editing, the story, the acting, the directing, all of it and while the orchestral and synth stuff is good, for me personally I enjoyed the song "What I've done" by Nu-Metal band "Linkin Park" from the first movie. While they did a song for the sequels it wasn't as good. What I like about the song is that it doesn't fit into the movie and it feels more like a song that would stand out in something schlocky.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 8 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The revival of the Generation 1 franchise

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me clarify. A lot of what people used to like from the movies were from what is known as the "Generation 1" series of episodes. The original series. Optimus Prime, Megatron, The Autobots & Decepticons, all of it! My introduction to the franchise was through the "Beast Wars" franchise. I had no idea Peter Cullen was the voice of Optimus, I was more used to Gary Chalk as Optimus. I mean I saw the 1980's animated movie and that was my introduction to the Generation 1 Franchise and since the live action movie came out the entire Generation 1 Animated series has been released onto DVD, so I guess some good came from this in terms of reviving what was generally considered Old School Nostalgia.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 7 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) Megan Fox left before the third movie and Shia left after the third one.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Granted Michael Bay shifted away from The Character of Sam & Michaela for the fourth installment and in the next one coming out. But all things considered it worked out well. Megan went on to be in another 1980's franchise revival done by Michael Bay "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the recent sequel that came out both I will not watch and or review and Shia has since stopped being in movies. Granted the damage to cinema the two did in the first two movies they did is near irreversible, I will give the two of them this, they got the hell out of  Dodge when the timing was good for them and while it'll be a cold day in hell before they win Oscars but eventually Hollywood WILL get them for the travesties they've done, including these movies!

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 6 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Leonard Nimoy

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not hearing Leonard Nimoy on screen one more time as a Transformer is interesting. Because during the "Generation 1" Transformers franchise there was a movie made between seasons 2 & 3 that had Leonard Nimoy play the character of Galvatron before season 3 premiered and Frank Welker took over the role. And While yes Frank played the role of Megatron in the Generation 1 Transformers franchise he returned to the role of Galvatron for the fourth Michael Bay movie, hearing Leonard perform as the Autobot who sides with the Decepticons was for me a highlight while yes, it was sad that he passed away not long after he did his cameo for "Star Trek Into Darkness" it was for me one of the few good moments in these movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I need a break to make sure Eliza Dushku isn't into any shenanigans and I need to clean myself up from all the stupid I've got on me.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James on the couch)

TLOTA: Sorry about that, It seems I've lost Eliza and now I'm alone. ORAC, is there ANY signal coming from Eliza on ANY level.

ORAC (Audio only): I am trying but I believe she is using her Sonic Screwdriver to mask her frequency.

TLOTA: Well do your best and see if you can find her. Meanwhile, I'll work on the countdown some more.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 5 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) It kept Summer Blockbusters alive long enough for "Marvel's The Avengers" to revive the Summer Blockbusters

TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay, For most of the late 1990's and early 2000's there were Summer Blockbuster but to me it just felt like it was slowly but surely fading into obscurity and although there were movies that were successful in the Summer they weren't exactly making Summer Blockbuster movie money like the Summer Blockbusters of years before that is until "Transformers" came and gave it a shot in the arm but it nearly killed the Summer Blockbuster by trying to dominate all Summer Blockbusters. That is where "Marvel's The Avengers" picked up the flag "Transformers" placed in it's line in the sand and decided to plant it on the moon where the "Transformers" franchise couldn't touch it (Show the title of the third "Transformers" movie title and James shouting "! I WASN'T BEING LITTERAL!" before cutting back to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any point the fact is this movie kept Summer Blockbusters from becoming completely extinct and that is worth being something good to come from this franchise full of turkeys for the most part.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 4 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) Blue Collar Heroes

TLOTA (Voiceover): I guess this is a theme in most of if not a good portion of Michael Bay's repertoire of movies. That the bluer the collar the better a human being they are because as we've seen in these movies the people in the White Collars are probably either idiotic or so egotistically STUPID that they deserve to become the slaves of the decepticons under their stupid belief that the decepticons are the good guys and or none of the Transformers are good at all and the sooner they're all off the planet the better and those are the dumbasses who even when they are saved by not only The Autobots but guys like Epps & Lennox who are as far as military hierarchy are pretty much on the bottom rung next to Privates, Corporals, Sergeants, Lieutenants & Captains and they stand with the Autobots and according to Bay,

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 3 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) John Turturro

TLOTA (Voiceover):This guy seems to be bulletproof. Not saying he's fully bulletproof trust me there are a few movies of his where he really stinks. But I guess going into "Transformers" he knew it was A Turkey with Ham and Cheese on a Kaiser roll. So he decided to give it the effort the stupidity it deserves and he took the character and what the writers did to him and took it in the stride it deserves. And boy did the stride was so long it'd cross the equator five hundred times. They took a nutjob Government agent and reduced him to a butcher and then turned him into an eccentric writer. I'm willing to believe he had some say in the character he played because otherwise after getting peed on by Bumblebee in the first movie, He wouldn't have signed on for the two sequels with LaBeouf. So thank you John for being able to stick it out that long and being entertaining

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 2 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) It saved Paramount

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not for a good long time Paramount was on the ropes. Their older franchises were not doing well and their network merged with another failing network around the same time creating the CW or as it's beginning to be known now as The DC Comics network, their newer ideas were flopping. So when Transformers succeeded at the Box Office it was clear that Paramount was on the comeback trail and since then they've had more hits than flops. So in a way The battle between the Autobots & Decepticons saved Paramount and without that we wouldn't have had the Star Trek Reboot or the first two "Iron Man" movies. That's right Marvel produced the Marvel Cinematic Universe but Paramount distributed the movies until the Disney Buyout that occurred and although Paramount has survived and has gotten a footing as one of the best production and distribution companies for what they're worth.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now the Number one thing to come out of Michael Bay "Transformers" Movies and that happens to be... Me. And not just me, The Nostalgia Critic, The Blockbuster Buster, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Nostalgia Kid, Jackula, All of us who do reviews on the Internet! (Cut to clips of other internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For as much as we don't want to admit it. Without the Michael Bay Transformers movie and the response it got polarizing the difference from what fans and critics thought and with YouTube being less draconic in its policies, everyone with a thought, a camera and some personality the Internet Reviewer revolution wouldn't have happened and most likely Myself and so many of us would be lost or not even known. So as much as I don't want to say this, I owe my vocation to this. A lot of us owe Michael Bay our success. Even in the "Transformers Age Of Extinction" crossover between the Nostalgia Critic and the Blockbuster Buster, they admit that without Bay and his Transformers movies we wouldn't be here (Show clip of The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster explain why the Internet Reviewer exists)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, we exist because we take on the mediocre and praise what we like and demolish that we don't like and let people know we don't think like other critics. We think like the common fanboy & fangirl. We are fans and we know that and we also know what our fandom wants and when something we know is wrong we WILL be there to put you right back in your place at the bottom of the barrel and we WILL be here long after history has shown you to be the trash you are. Even if we are somehow stopped in one form we WILL find a way to thrive and survive and let everyone know that your movies are either garbage or greatness. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to an hour later as James accesses ORAC's Chamber and at a distance Eliza Dushku looks on in secret as James walks in the scene cuts to James inside ORAC's Chamber)

TLOTA: Any luck finding Eliza?

ORAC: Unfortunately all attempts to find Eliza Dushku has proven unsuccessful. However I am close on finding the first three.

TLOTA: How long before then?

ORAC: One hour. Might I suggest that I transfer my consciousness into the activation card so that I can finish up in peace whilst you work on an editorial.

TLOTA: That's not a bad idea ORAC. (James shuts off ORAC and takes the activation card and walks out the door. As James walks down the secondary hallway into the main lobby, Eliza Dushku sneaks around James to the door to ORAC's chamber as she gets her Sonic Screwdriver out and aims it at the lock on the door outside of ORAC's chamber.)