Friday, April 1, 2016

"Descend"ing Slowly Straight to Hell

(In Military Text on a black background the words "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents" before cutting to black & white moments in the movie "Descendants" intercut with blood spatter on a black background as "A Few Of My Favorite Things" before the words "Disney's Descendants" written in blood splatter before continuing with clips from "Descendants" as a stranger played by Nick Yaun does a voiceover)

Stranger (voiceover): I was somewhere in my room in the middle of my bed, when the drugs began to take hold! The strange thing was, I wasn't on any drugs at the time. It was one of the few instances of sobriety at the time and never again shall I return to that nasty realm of reality. (Cut to the stranger dressed like Hunter S Thompson's Raoul Duke played by Nick Yaun.)

Stranger: Because if it was anything like the world I saw well clearly the world of the man totally tripping balls on acid clearly has more sense and logic than that of reality! I'm Raoul Pupe father of Kermit Journalism! I've covered everything from "Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas" to "Where The Buffalo Roam". But today, today I'm here to tell you about a put together trip. It is a trip, I wish never to take again. A trip into Sobriety, I will not lie but it came from a particular place, A Disney Channel Original Movie. A Disney Channel Original Movie I hope never to revisit. A Disney Channel Original Movie that brought out horrid imagery that I hope never to experience again! There is only one Disney Channel Original Movie that could possibly bring out such a horrid trip in anyone is simply known as "Disney's Descendants"! (Cut to the opening credit scene of "Disney's Descendants" as the song "Rotten To The Core" by Sophia Carson plays into the background before cutting to clips of the movie as Raoul Pupe does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Clearly the writers and director have bitten one too many pot brownies than they could chew because there is no story structure or logic that can be obtained from any reasonable sober human being at least let's pray to god there isn't. (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: The fact that this Disney Channel Original Movie is marketed towards kids is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly no child should have to go through this punishment. So let's take the ticket & ride the ride! (Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): So we start off with a traditional Disney Animated Fairy Tale opening with a book that wait what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? what? (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: What? what? what? what? what? We're only into the opening and this thing makes no sense! How does a book become a tablet?! HOW DOES A BOOK BECOME A TABLET?!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Anyway apparently Beast & Belle married, united all of the kingdoms into the United States Of Auradon....WAIT! (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: United States Of Auradon! SERIOUSLY?! YOU COULDN'T CALL IT THE UNITED KINGDOMS OF AURADON?! Is it that hard to do?!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): They had a boy who looks like Zac Efron and the fairy godmother gave him the gift of the acting like Tommy Wiseau without any his personality who decides before he becomes king to allow four of the kids of the villains who have been banished to The Isle of The Lost to be given a chance to live on Auradon. (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: Oh by the way I forgot to mention that the villains from Disney Fairy Tale based movies have been resurrected and have been forced to live the rest of their days on an Island away from any magic and most modern amenities. Basically they live in the Amish sector of New Jersey! And more importantly HOW DID THEY RESURRECT THESE VILLAINS?! SERIOUSLY?! DID THEY GET THE SPELL FROM ONE OF THE DISCIPLES OF JESUS IF SO I HEAR YOU NEED THIRTY SILVER PIECES TO GET JUDAS?! (Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)


Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): After a musical number that makes me feel like I'm in a reptile zoo and the reptiles are high on Crystal Meth! The four kids that have been invited to go to Auradon is the son of Jafar, the son of Cruella DeVille, the daughter of Maleficent and the daughter of Snow White's Evil Queen! The four are taken to Auradon prep via magical limousine! This is crazy! This is madness! This is the opposite of everything sane and normal! And wait! WHAT?! WHAT!?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE THE FAIRY GODMOTHER?! AND SHE HAS A DAUGHTER AS DOES AURORA! (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: WE ARE ENTERING A LEVEL OF MADNESS NO MAN WOULD DREAM HIGH ON LSD & MUSHROOMS WOULD EVER DARE DREAM ABOUT!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)



Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): So they go for The Fairy Godmother's wand when.... (Show Musical moment between Mal & Maleficent intercut with Raoul Peup shaking his head in disbelief before cutting back to Raoul Peup doing a voiceover the movie)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): OKAY YOU PEOPLE NEED TO SMOKE LESS WEED THAN I DO BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY ANY SOBER OR SANE PERSON CAME UP WITH THIS MOMENT! Anyway the guard watching over The Fairy Godmother's wand is knocked out and then Jafar's son is an idiot who fouls up the plan so it's back to.... "REMEDIAL HOW TO BE GOOD 101"?!(Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: YOU KNOW IN MY TRAVELS I HAVE SEEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME BELIEVE IN GOOD AND EVIL! YOU CAN NOT TEACH BEING GOOD TO SOMEONE UNLESS YOU ENGRAIN IT IN THEM! (Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): So now they bake a love spell into a cookie so Mal can get close to Beast & Belle's son! WHY?! UNLESS IT'S FILLED WITH ENOUGH HORSE TRANQUILIZERS TO KILL MR. ED I DON'T WANT IT! Any way we discover Jay and Carlos are good at sports and Evie is a genius in chemical science!(Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: OH REALLY CAN YOU PROPERLY RECREATE HEISENBERG'S CRYSTAL METH BECAUSE I NEED IT TO MAKE SANE OF THE INSANE THAT I'M SEEING HERE!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)


Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): After winning the big game Ben proclaims his love to Mal and she is embarrassed as he professes his love for her as he sings badly and I'm wondering where my Sugar Cubes laced with Acid is so I can get through this! And WHAT? WHAT?! MULAN HAS A DAUGHTER AND SHE'S GETTING HER HAIR DONE BY MAL?!? (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: THIS MOVIE IS MAKING LESS AND LESS SENSE THE MORE I SEE IT! WHO IS THE NUT IN CHARGE OF THIS NUTHOUSE, I NEED MY HAPPY MEDS!!!(Cut to the movie as Raoul does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Now we've got...("Be Our Guest" Descedants version plays) WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT ON THIS ORB OF INSANITY IS GOING ON?! Oh it's parent's day and our four big characters parents aren't allowed to be there but OH GOODY the parents and grandparents of the other kids come and chew the four out! And it's coronation day and wait WHAT? HE KNEW ABOUT THE SPELL AND STILL HE FINDS HER INTERESTING?! IS THIS MOVIE INSANE OR IS IT REALLY THIS OUT OF CONTROL ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE WAND AND NOW MALEFICENT IS ON THE LOOSE AND A DRAGON AND NOW SHE'S A LITTLE LIZARD I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND THE MOVIE IS NEAR THE END AND NOW WHAT?! THEY'VE BEEN ACCEPTED AFTER ALL THAT INSANITY! NOW THERE'S DANCING AND IT'S OVER?! IT CAN'T END HERE! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF BAT COUNTRY! (Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: 
You know it's often said by former drug users that it's actually possible to get more high without drugs than you can with them and this movie is chock full of that! (Cut to clips of "Disney's Descendants" playing as the song "Rotten To The Core" by Sophia Carson plays into the background as Raoul Pupe does a voiceover)

Raoul Pupe (Voiceover): Granted there was a few minutes of actual story and character development but god damn this movie is a kick in the balls or a kick in the lady parts of everyone who actually loved the classic Disney Animated Fairy Tale movies. It's a depraved, savage work. A work that tries to shove every trope of Disney's Animated Fairy Tale movies up the ass of anyone until it comes out of their mouths as toxic fumes whistling Zippity-Do-Dah!(Cut to Raoul physically)

Raoul Pupe: So do yourself a favor, get off the ride and get a refund (The sound of the door opens as it cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in the doorway)

TLOTA: You just about done in here? (Cut to Raoul)

Raoul Pupe: Just about! YOUR HEAD IS A HAMBURGER! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Right. Uh listen my team will be here soon and... (Cut to Raoul)

Raoul Pupe: Say no more flying waffle! I'm Raoul Pupe and we're all just freaks in the freak kingdom! (The chorus to "Jumping Jack Flash" by The Rolling Stones plays as Raoul gets up and walks past James and the music ends as a door closes in the background.)

TLOTA: I've got to be more careful with who I let in here. (Cut to an image of James with a gigantic open faced smile as the Losing Horn from "The Price Is Right" plays as a stamp places over the face "APRIL FOOL'S")