(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to pics of Steven Spielberg and movies from both Marvel & DC entertainment while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Recently mega movie making icon Steven Spielberg made a comment in an article stating Quote "The Superhero movie genre will eventually go the way of the Western" End quote. Which could be interpreted in two ways. One, he meant that the Superhero movies that were made starting in the 2000's up until it does end will end up going the way of the Dodo. Or two, that when the smoke clears from all the overhyped and oversaturation that those that stand out will be remembered for all time as one of the best Genres of movies that was ever put out for people to watch and pass on to another generation because I remember watching and liking westerns like "The Searchers", "True Grit" (Both versions), it's sequel "Rooster Cogburn", "Big Jake", "The Frisco Kid", "Blazing Saddles", "The Apple Dumpling Gang", it's sequel "The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again", "Tombstone" as a matter of fact a lot of my all time favorite movies are westerns. But I also like what's been going on in movies as well. "Avengers: Age Of Ultron" was a great movie I saw in theaters this year. But a lot of other comic book properties were not looked well upon recently. From what I've heard Marvel's "Ant-Man" is one of their lesser well movies in their Cinematic Universe and Fox's attempt to reboot Marvel's property of "The Fantastic 4" flopped. So could Steven Spielberg be right? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Well technically speaking he's not wrong. (Cut to clips of westerns and other movies while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA: Popular movie trends do have a good life span and those that survive the zeitgeist are seen as some of the greatest of all time. For example, "The Wizard Of Oz" is considered a great movie but from what has been reported financially it flopped but after being re-released and aired on CBS did it become an iconic film. The teen romantic comedy trend of the late 1990's-early Millennium that started out strong petered out quickly but people remember movies like "The American Pie" films, "Can't Hardly Wait" and several other movies made during that time in that trend have seemed to outlast the zeitgeist. So who knows? Maybe Steven Spielberg will be proven right that the Comic Book movie zeitgeist we're in now will eventually end and if it does, it'll hopefully end with a bang and not with a whimper or a shrug or a puff of smoke and if it does end, movies will be made better because of the achievements in making elements that aren't really there and making them tangible. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
(Scene starts with James opening the inside front door to his Office building as he quietly sings to himself the lyrics to the “Red Dwarf” end credits and holding in his right hand a copy of “Josie & The Pussycats” as he heads to his Office quarter’s door James quietly singing the lines “Goldfish Shoals nibbling on my…” Slowly looks around in the corner of his eyes as he sings “Toes” then proceeds to turn around slowly to jump as the camera cuts to Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines smiling creepily at James before cutting to James at the door.)
TLOTA: Hi there. Have you two been helped? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Hello James.
Traci Hines: Do you know…? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Yes I do, Eliza Dushku from movies like “True Lies”, “The New Guy” & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and TV shows like “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, “Angel” “Tru Calling” & “Dollhouse” and you’ve done voice work in “Batman: Year One” & “HULK & The Agents of S.M.A.S.H.” and your cohort is Traci Hines best known as Helvetica The Hipster Mermaid from the web series “Life Lessons From A Hipster Mermaid”. The two of you are awesome! (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Well you know who we are, Impressive, Most Impressive. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Thanks, I guess. (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: I see that you have “Josie & The Pussycats” (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Why yes, yes I do. In order to show people why remaking Kids cartoons from the past might not be a great idea. Like with what they’re going to do with “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: Did you know I… (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Auditioned for the movie that hasn’t seen that big an Internet Backlash since the advent of The Internet? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: You are on the ball. I hope the review goes well for you.
Eliza Dushku: Knock ‘em dead (Eliza comes up to James’ ear to whisper in his ear “Tiger” and James gets a cold shiver down his back before Eliza backs away to see James feel uncomfortable.)
TLOTA: Well, thanks I … (Cut to see Eliza & Traci having disappeared before cutting to James.)
TLOTA: Huh that was… (Eliza & Traci appears out of nowhere and James jump screams before cutting to James as Eliza & Traci is seen from her back.)
TLOTA: YOWZA! Would you two please kindly go elsewhere? (Eliza & Traci walk away before James walks into his office quarter)
TLOTA: What is going on around here? DWAH! (Cut to see Eliza & Traci at James’ Office chair before cutting to James at the door.)
TLOTA: COULD YOU TWO LET ME TO DO MY WORK IN PEACE AND SANITY PLEASE…? EWOW! (James turns around to see Eliza & Traci behind him.)
TLOTA: PLEASE TURN AROUND AND TAKE A HIKE! (Cut to see Eliza and Traci next to James)
TLOTA: EYAH! WILL YOU TWO PLEASE FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO GO? (Eliza and Traci walk away arousing James before he sighs.)
TLOTA: Well let’s see what if this movie is worth it.
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well… this is happening. (Cut to clips of the preview for “Jem & The Holograms” and the classic 1980’s animated series while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY younger, I occasionally saw an episode of “JEM” and when I heard that Hollywood is making a live action version of this cartoon my reaction was “eh” at best that is until I saw the trailers and I just said to myself “No! Just….Just NO!” and to answer why that was my reaction is because they obviously missed the mark by galaxies. Because from what little of the series I saw, there was action, adventure, comedy, women with questionable theatrical makeup designs outside of KISS who look friggin bad ass in their gear and just enough energy to make people enjoy its harmless fun and if the trailer is any indication of what this film is gonna be, let’s say if you see either The Nostalgia Critic or The Blockbuster Buster tagging up with Nash from “Radio Dead Air” to take this turkey on, you’ll know why I’m not reviewing it. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But I will give the movie this, it didn’t have a “Post “She’s All That”” Rachel Leigh Cook, a “Pre-“Sharknado”” Tara Reid and a “Pre-“Netflix & Marvel Daredevil” series” Rosario Dawson. (Cut to Opening credit of “Josie & The Pussycats” while “Three Small Words” plays in the background then cutting to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): As if this movie isn’t dripping in dated cheese & ham, “Josie & The Pussycats” based on the Archie Comics series and Hanna-Barbera Saturday Morning Series was the first movie from this millennium that I legitimately HATED! It has the subtlety of Nicolas Cage, Pauly Shore & Shia LaBeouf playing “The Three Stooges” and possibly has more Product Placement than “Superman: Man Of Steel”, “Garfield The Movie”, “Foodfight” & “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights” combined! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I know that sounds physically impossible but trust me this is what happened when my team & I tried to watch it and gauge it with a Subtlety meter. (Cut to everyone using fire extinguishers and anything to smother out the fire and John rushes in with a bucket of water)
TLOTA: STOP! John, Water on an Electric fire? What are you NUTS?! (Cut to James in his office quarters)
TLOTA: And that was after one second of screen time. How will the rest of the movie go? Let’s find out, this is “Josie & The Pussycats”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the movie opens we’re introduced to DuJour played by Breckin Meyer, Seth Green, Donald Faison & Peter Facinelli and they greet their fans with a song before heading out on a world tour which for me well... (“Backdoor Lover” plays before cutting to James look uncomfortable as any guy would and says “No Comment” before a Static break comes in and The Blockbuster Buster comes in on the other side of the static feed)
Blockbuster Buster: HEY! BRAINIAC! Don’t you dare think that about my Jam! James Faraci! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Look E-Rod, I get that fact you like that song but I think you may have missed the hidden innuendo. (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)
Blockbuster Buster: What hidden innuendo? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: “Backdoor Lover”? Seriously? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)
Blockbuster Buster: It means they’re after some serious ass! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Which one male or female? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)
Blockbuster Buster: Never mind! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): On a plane ride they talk to their Record label Exec Wyatt played by Alan Cumming when they discover something hidden in their music. So what’s Wyatt to do? Tell the Pilot to set the plane to crash and leave DuJour on board! Because clearly that wouldn’t make anyone suspicious and oh by the by in a post 9/11 world, a plane crash killing people NOT FUNNY! As Wyatt lands in Riverdale we meet our heroines Josie McCoy played by Rachel Leigh Cook, Valerie Brown played by Rosario Dawson & Melody Valentine regrettably played by Tara Reid as they perform a gig in….A Bowling Alley where Josie’s romantic interest Alan M played by Gabriel Mann is the only one who payed interest in the gig at all. Okay, I get the fact that they’re hard up in the good luck department but seriously who’s booking their gigs? Apparently fraternal twin pains in my kiester Alexander Cabot III played by Paulo Costanzo who I’m certain is grateful every day to be in the Hamptons on “Royal Pains” and his twin sister…. Alexandra Cabot played by Missi Pyle. (Cut to James with a pad of paper and a pen physically)
TLOTA: Note to self: call “Archie Comics” and/or Dick Wolf to see if there is a frivolous Lawsuit over the name of the Character “Alexandra Cabot”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Wyatt gets a call from his boss Fiona played by Parker Posey to find a new band and who does Wyatt find? Our heroines of course and agrees to sign them on the spot and after a confab that lasts all of one minute and NO PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION and yes I do not consider the Dum-Dum Twins proper legal representation and our Heroines sign right on that Dotted line. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Okay, WHY?! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Look I get when you’re young you make a whole boatload of questionable decisions that come back to bite you in the tuchus that’s part of growing up but seriously, if I were in their shoes, I’d maybe say….get a lawyer or AGAIN PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION to protect yourself but no they sign on to the record label and everyone is flown to New York City or as I call it The Toity County where they’re given a makeover and branded “Josie & The Pussycats” after that our heroines go to the studio to record their first album and to give the movie a small amount of credit they do make the music kind of catchy but listen to this song. (Show clip of “Pretend To Be Nice” intercut with James sitting there with an inquisitive look on his face. Just as the “Pretend To Be Nice” clip ends we cut to James sitting there with the same inquisitive look on his face of two seconds before he snaps out of it.)
TLOTA: Sorry guys it’s just that the composition of the song reminds me of another band’s. Just wish I could figure out who’s is it. (Cut to James’ office door opening when “Green Day” members Billie Joe Armstrong played by Paulo Fonseca, Mike Dirnt played by Eric Kurtzke & Mike Santos as Tre’ Cool coming in repeating the phrase “Hup, Hup” several times as they go through fast speed to set up their music equipment in thirty seconds before looking at James)
“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): At your service night & day! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Who are you? (Cut to Green Day)
“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): We’re Green Day! EXCELSIOR! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: OhhhhhhhKay! What’s going on around here? (Cut to Green Day)
“Billie Joe”: We’ve been hearing about this movie for a while and you’ve been wondering why the song “Pretend To Be Nice” sounds so familiar to you.
“Mike Dirnt”: So we’ve decided to help clear up your quandary.
(“Tre’ Cool” honks a bike horn and whistles a bird’s tweeting with subtitles: “We’re gonna play “Minority” instrumentally” then cuts to see James look at the subtitles)
TLOTA: What’s up with your Drummer using a bike horn and whistling like Harpo Marx? (Cut to Green Day)
“Mike Dirnt”: The guy’s been a wreck since his last divorce. (Cut to James going “Oh!” before cutting back to “Green Day”)
“Billie Joe Armstrong”: Okay guys let’s do it! (The trio play the Instrumental to the song “Minority” then cut to James)
TLOTA: Well they do sound kind of familiar. (A female voice off screen played by Eliza Dushku screams “Kind Of Familiar?!” before the door opens up to see “Josie & The Pussycats” with Josie played by Eliza Dushku, Valerie played by Renee Miller & Melody played by Traci Hines in a blonde wig come barging in)
“Josie”: We are SO original as opposed to those old fart Marx Brothers/Three Stooges Pop Punk Wannabe hacks! (Cut to “Green Day”)
“Billie Joe”: We’ve been making music while you were in diapers. We’ve got Legal Recourse, Our lawyer will take everything you’ve got! We’ll see you in Prison!
“Mike Dirnt”: We’ll see you in HELL! (“Tre’ Cool” uses a Bike Horn to Honk the “Shave and a Haircut” and catcall whistles “Six bits” with the subtitles saying “We’ll see you on the Pole at the Boom Boom Room” and “Josie & The Pussycats” look down to see the subtitles then cut to see James read the subtitles”)
TLOTA: You ladies save your breath. Tre’ you’re a sick sick man, I don’t care if your wife left you half a billion in the hole, I give these ladies the right to castrate you with a spoon! (Cut to “Josie & The Pussycats”)
“Josie”: Enough talk, let’s show what Pussycat Power is all about! (Cut to “Green Day” and Tre’ Cool whistling “Reveille” and using the bike horn to sound “Call to Post” as both teams collide and then the scene cuts to James looking and giving facial expressions of fear, shock & surprise then ducks as “Billie Joe”’s guitar is flung towards James as grunts and cat hollers are heard)
TLOTA: Oh look at that! It’s time for a break!
“Billie Joe Armstrong” (Audio only): MY CABBAGES!
TLOTA: That had to hurt!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is that you know something is more sinister going on in the background since you know Wyatt killed a boyband, well if he’s capable of doing that, you know Fiona can do something worse although it is hard to see throughout all the product placement, especially when it comes to her plan to you guessed it take over the world. (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting to the clip of Fiona telling her diabolical scheme to put subliminal messages into songs before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: Subliminal messages hidden in the music in order to boost the economy and Our Government is in support of it. Did this come out before or after our current President became President? (A bloodied internal organ lands next to James) Huh, I forgot the ceiling. (Turns to the right.) Hey guys I think I found someone’s liver. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And apparently it works as their detractors are now their biggest fans and…(Cut to the detractors turned fans being shot with a wide angle fish eye lens close up before cutting to James shouting “badaboomba!” then back to the movie)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I know that we haven’t seen the wide angle close up for a while but if there’s a petition to ban that type of shot from ever being used again, I’m signing it and I suggest you do too! Anyway Valerie is starting to suggest something isn’t Kosher at the label. Which forces Fiona to well… I can’t believe I’m saying this… Hire Carson Daily & Aries Spears to kill Valerie and Melody on a fake TRL set! (Cut to James mouthing “Excuse Me For One Moment”, getting up and walking into the office’s bathroom and screams a blood curdling scream and walking back to his office quarters oblivious to the fact Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines are behind him before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So after nearly getting killed by Carson Daily & Aries Spears, Good Fricking night that thought is never gonna leave me, Valerie & Melody try to inform Josie but it appears Josie has fallen under the hypnotism of the Subliminal Messages and tells Valerie to take a hike and Melody to be taken advantage of by a Sharknado (Rim shot). But eventually Josie discovers the hidden messages and after remembering that she told her friends to beat it Josie asks… (Cut to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)
TLOTA: How did Eugene Levy who pointlessly has a cameo in this movie put it when he was co-starring in “Splash”? (Cut to Clip of Eugene Levy from “Splash” saying “The Moron Twins” before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s the phrase! Josie asks those two to help who turns out to be as helpful in getting evidence as well as some execs on set saying to the director to cut back on the product placement. (Cut to a group of execs and a director played by James)
Exec 1 (Played by John Santos): I have to ask if all these Product Placement are necessary. (Cut to an “Lindsay Nagle” exec played by Rebecca Fonseca popping in from nowhere to block James from talking)
“L.N.” Exec: It’s necessary it will help with cross promotion with the movie we can maximize profit from the products placed in this movie and make enough to cover our losses because we will do minimal promotion which should be minimal because of cross promotion. (Cut to the group of Execs)
Exec 2 (Played by Renee Miller): Didn’t we fire you? (Cut to “L.N.” exec)
“L.N.” Exec: This is my last job here my next job will be with Disney and its latest acquirement “Power Rangers” with my memos “Power Rangers” will be so amazing! (Cut to the Group of Execs)
Exec 3 (Played by Eric Neil Kurtzke): I need a drink.
“Group of Execs” (In Unison): I second that ( The Group of execs exit as the “L.N.” exec continues to talk to the execs who just left as we cut to James’ Director character wakes up and says “What just happened” before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)
TLOTA: But wait you say to yourself “What about Alan M.? Can’t he help?” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well he would be helpful if A) Wyatt didn’t lie to Josie about a club gig Alan M. had and B) Alan M. wasn’t licking his wounds from not seeing Josie come to his gig at the club. So having no choice Josie has to do Fiona’s dirty work or watch as Valerie & Melody be obliterated by going head first in a car I don’t think would be used by Vin Diesel in a “Fast & Furious” movie into a Brick wall at 88 MPH when from out of nowhere… (Show clip of DuJour heavily encased in casts and beaten before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him slowly backing out of frame and James stammering, taking off his glasses, moving his chair out of the way to bang his head on the wall behind him five times before coming back and screaming “HOW?!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): SERIOUSLY HOW DID THEY SURVIVE?! Okay it is explained that they were able to survive the crash only to land outside of a Metallica concert in which they were beaten mercilessly by their fans which is something I would do myself if that ever happened. But apparently one of them knew the lines to “Enter Sandman” which gave that one a less brutal beating. But thankfully their attempts to fight Fiona and Wyatt are less than successful. But thankfully our heroines are a little more successful as they beat Fiona and Wyatt as the two confess their love for each other for some reason and reveal that everything about themselves are fake for some reason. Oh and to save face our government’s Federal Agents decide to arrest Fiona & Wyatt for their underhanded misdoings. (The fast paced subliminal message about the movie passes by as the scene cuts to James chuckling with Eliza & Traci behind him)
TLOTA: What’s the phrase I’m looking for, I know it, and it’s on the tip of my tongue… It’s…It’s… (Cut to Clip of “Superman Returns” in which Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey shouting “WRONG” before cutting to Traci & Eliza getting scared off and James sitting there.)
TLOTA: That’s the word I was looking for.
TLOTA (Angry as all get out): WRONG! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD’VE PUT OUT THERE AS YOUR MESSAGE! (Cut to the still as James does a voiceover and plasters his message on the still shot)
TLOTA (Voiceover): “If you’ve made it this far, the money and time you wasted watching this movie are long gone! As of this moment you will not be refunded for a single loss. You’re stuck here until the end credits! You are officially screwed!” (Cut to the end of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But wait it doesn’t end there, why? Because there a concert for Josie and The Pussycats instead of facing federal prison time in The Sullivan Correctional Facility in Fallsburg New York and Yes there is a moral that Josie tries to force feed into the audience that there is no way in HELL it’s gonna make any kind of impact at all! In fact I’m certain that the producers didn’t have a place for it in the entire runtime until the end because they knew that people wouldn’t make the effort to go and see this and as they play guess who makes it to their concert even though Josie made NO EFFORT TO COME TO HIS GIG AT THE CLUB! (Cut to Alan M. making it onto the stage and Josie and Alan M. profess their love for one another and the concert goes off with everyone enjoying themselves)
TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right Alan M. screw the fact she didn’t come to your show, screw the fact she left you feeling sorry for yourself because you had to deal with the female who shared a name with a prosecutor who worked for the 16th Precinct’s Special Victims Unit in Manhattan, New York that could’ve easily filed a restraining order on the woman who wants to jump your bones because she wants to make Josie feel as miserable as possible, screw the anger you SHOULD be feeling right now. You made it to your girl’s concert and now everything is hunky-dory! (Chuckles for two seconds before he gets indignant on Alan M.) YOU ARE AN IDIOT FOR NOT SPEWING ANGER FOR WHAT THAT PUSSYCAT DID TO YOU. WHICH IF YOU WANT I’LL SHOW YOU THROUGH THIS CLIP FROM “FULL HOUSE” (Cut to a clip of Danny Tanner from “Full House” saying “She ripped your heart out, threw it onto the ground and did the Mexican Hat dance on it!” and acting it out as he says it before cutting to the end of the concert and the movie then cutting to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind him)
TLOTA: So that was “Josie & The Pussycats”….DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE SUCKED! (Cut to clips of the movie while “Three Small Words” play in the background.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): All I can say at this point is YOWZA! How could something this horrible be produced?! The plot could’ve give the live action “Scooby Doo” movies a run for its money and with the exception of Parker Posey & Rosario Dawson the acting was SO incredibly bad you question whether or not Shia LaBeouf was the acting coach for the actors and need I say again how aggravating the overabundance of the shameless product placement can be especially since you’re supposed to know that in the grand scheme of things you should be aware of. But maybe that was the point of the product placement. Maybe there was something deeper about it than I realized. But again when you’re wading through so much Cheese & Ham it’s kind of hard to think. So maybe it deserves a second chance. But that’s for you to decide. Give it a watch at your own risk. (Cut to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind him)
TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got two women who’ve been behind me ever since I came back from screaming my head off in my office bathroom to deal with. (Eliza and Traci look at one another.)
Eliza & Traci (In Unison): HOW DID HE KNOW?
TLOTA: These lenses aren’t just for seeing what’s in front of me! (James jumps up from the table)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Alright you two looney ladies, I don’t know what your end game is but I swear I will stop you before then. (Cut to Eliza and Traci Rising up in front of him)
Eliza Dushku: So what are you planning on doing? Ask us about how a doll got burned over and over again?
Traci Hines: Threaten to kill us because we don’t put the bunny back in the box?
Eliza Dushku: Sell your soul to The Devil to become his bounty hunter and send us to hell all the while screaming and laughing like a madman?
Traci Hines: Threaten to take our faces….off? (Her right hand does the motion of placing it over her face then pulling it off when she says “faces…off?”)
Eliza Dushku: Go around town screaming “I’m A Vampire” over and over again?
Traci Hines: Scream like a howler monkey while humping a bed?
Eliza Dushku: Sing a silly song while trying to seduce us while you’re drunk as a skunk?
Traci Hines: Rob a bunch of convenience stores and then marry the officer taking your mugshots?
Eliza Dushku: Punch one of us while dressed in a bear suit?
Traci Hines: Sing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of Coconuts” while being dragged away security? (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): No, I’m not that level of Nicolas Cage crazy…yet. I’m just gonna ask questions and you’re gonna give me vague answers until I get to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Oh well then ask your questions. (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): What’s going on around here?! (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Traci Hines: They would know. (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Who are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza Dushku: They are them. (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Them are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza & Traci (In Unison): They would know. (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): They know all? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Traci Hines: You can’t understand that not understanding is part of understanding everything…
Eliza Dushku: And in the moment you understand nothing is when you understand everything. Do you understand what we’re saying? (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Your vague answers are taking me to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Well I think we’ve done our job for this month.
Traci Hines: See you in Next Month. (Eliza and Traci walk around James and the two leave as James sighs and sits back down)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and….Next Month? (James runs out of his office quarters and over to the Calendar in the main lobby to see that the next month is October. James takes a deep breath and then the scene cuts to Eliza and slightly to her right at least five steps is Traci as they hear the loudest muted “NO!” they ever heard.)
A Voice (Off-screen played by Elisa Hansen-Schuler): Is he ready?
Eliza Dushku: By this time next month, he’s all yours.
Traci Hines: So what do you have planned for him? (Camera Pans slightly to the right as we see the Maven Of The Eventide under an Umbrella with Paw holding it and Baby Grey.)
Maven Of The Eventide: Don’t worry, he is finally going to pay for his sins! (Everyone smiles an evil smile)