Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The End Of Mankind Part six

(Cut to a quiet hunting camp miles outside of upstate New York as James' time device lands and everyone walks out demoralized)

Paulo: So this is "Safe Haven"?

TLOTA (Audio only): Yep. There's plenty of Bedrooms, no running water but there are outhouses. We have a Kitchen straight out of a restaurant, billiards table, generator, Satellite Television and VHS/DVD Combo, No phone signal or Internet at all but there are more amenities in my time device. So we should be safe for a while, After a couple of days, we prepare.

Film Brain: For what exactly?

Mike J: What do you think Spotted Dick? James' government has declared war and we're the target

Benzaie: Well at least if we decide to surrender I'll do so quickly.

Luke: Benzaie? Shove it!

Comic Strip Critic: It looks like a hunting camp.

TLOTA: It is. And yes we can tap into the power from the time device but it could alert anyone to our whereabouts so for now let's play it safe and oh before I forget there's one bedroom that belongs to the guy who actually runs the camp.

Marzgurl: We can't go in that one.

TLOTA: Yep. Okay everyone settle in. (Cut to later in the day towards the night.)

TLOTA (Audio only as he is carrying a tray of food.): I know you're all used to a certain way of eating but right now it's a moot point what I have on the tray is what we're eating. (Cut to everyone reacting to the tray of meat.)

Lea Michele: That looks like a lot of meat and any guy here says "That's what she said" I will Bobbit-ize you! Comprende? (Every guy crosses their legs in fear and say Comprendo. Before cutting to James at the end of the table.)

TLOTA: Good, now let's all bow our heads. (Everyone bows their head) Father we are grateful to still be together and alive and I pray your light will help us survive the darkness. In your name and your son's name we pray. Amen. (Everyone at the table says Amen and grabs a bite to eat before cutting to Paw awake and outside to see the sunrise.)

Elisa: So that's where my men are.

Paw: Hi pookie, So how have you been doing? It feels like it takes forever for the sun to rise in our apartment. Here it's up and out at like Five in the morning and it feels so good to see it this early. (The sun rises as Paw puts a pair of Sunglasses on Baby Grey as all three see the sun rise and James walks over.)

TLOTA: I take it you're thinking about doing something different like say find a nice quiet place after this and try to restart everything up here away from the stress and the crazy of the life of the city. Why do you think I do a review and editorial/mini-review once a month. This vocation is a cluster of insanity, I need what you have.

Paw: What's that?

TLOTA: This (Pointing to Elisa and Grey) A wife, a child, a little place of my own and a job I love to do. But I don't I have that, because I am "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans" and my job is to express not only my thoughts but so many and it's difficult to have the balance you have. But a part of me but the rest I still want but now the question is When?

Paw: If you want it, it'll come to you when it wants to.

TLOTA: Thanks, The advice makes no sense but I appreciate it, we've got to get training, come on let's get going. (All of them walk down as the sun rises and then cuts to everyone training in a montage similar to the first live action "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie before cutting to James rubbing Lea's Shoulders)

Lea Michele: You know for someone as big as you are your hands are so good at this.

TLOTA: Thanks.

Lea Michele: You know something. If we survive this, do you think we might try living together before we take that dive?

TLOTA: Lea...(Paulo coughs off screen then jumps on to the couch next to the two.)

Paulo: Mind if I relax a bit?

TLOTA: It's a free country while it still can be one. You know something. I have to ask you something.

Paulo: Like you said, it's a free country while it still can be one.

TLOTA: When I screamed at you, I was trying to sacrifice myself so you guys could get a chance to survive.

Paulo: But it was against our honor code we have as citizens of Sullivan County to leave one of our own. We're bound to stand by each other and our county. We are bound by blood, bound by heart and soul and we are bound to live and die for Sullivan County.

TLOTA: Okay dude, now you're starting to cross the line. You can question my sanity, my intelligence, my health but never question my loyalty to Sullivan County.

Paulo: You're right. (Paulo turns on the TV News as the news reporter played by Carey Denise Moore)

News reporter: And in political news The Internet Protection Act is being fast tracked especially when Senator Michaud was seen outside of what appeared to be a destroyed safe house for internet based terrorists....(Cut to James standing up)

TLOTA: "SAFE HOUSE FOR INTERNET BASED TERRORISTS" MY ASS! IT'S THE STUDIO!

(Cut to Senator Michaud on the television)

Senator Michaud: My fellow Americans, this is a reason why people like you and I deserve a better internet, an internet without these terrorists like the one called "Rowdy" or "Linkara" and.... (Cut to James, Lea & Paulo looking on and listening in as the audio continues.)

Senator Michaud (Audio only): It is clear that while they exist, they threaten our way of life. So it is with a heavy heart that I...(James grabs the remote and shuts off the Television)

TLOTA: EVERYONE PACK UP!

Eric: What's up?!

TLOTA: We're heading back.

John Santos: Why?

TLOTA: Senator Michaud has forced our hand. I'm not going to let him get the win. (Everyone who stayed at the camp flood the Time Device.) ORAC! Open communications to Comicron One.

Linkara (Audio only): Linkara here.

TLOTA: Linkara, get Comicron One to the Studio.

Linkara (Audio Only): A bit of a problem. The Gellar is attacking me!

TLOTA: What?! (Cut to the interior of Comicron one slightly battle damaged)

Linkara: Yeah I don't what's going on over there but we're under attack. I've got a feeling it's Jackula on a Sugar rush. (Cut to the inside of James' time device)

TLOTA: I doubt it, Patch me to Jamietud. Jamietud can you hear me?(Cut to the interior of Comicron one slightly battle damaged)

Jamietud: Yeah dude what's up?

TLOTA (Audio only): Did you do the analysis I asked for you?

Jamietud: Yep. I found the connection and I came up with a way to break it.

TLOTA (Audio only): Send it to Rowdy.

Jamietud: I tried but he's not responding.

TLOTA (Audio only): Hang on. (Cut to James and everyone else physically.)

TLOTA: Help is on it's way.

TO BE CONTINUED

Monday, June 29, 2015

The End Of Mankind Part Five

(Scene starts at E-Rod's apartment in front of E-Rod's Fridge and Nerdlinger walks in.)

Nerdlinger: I hope E-Rod don't mind if I take a drink. (E-Rod lands on Nerdlinger and the two get up and shake off what happened.) E-Rod! What are you doing in the fridge?

E-Rod: Well, I figure hey it's Florida, it's warm. I'd chill out in the fridge. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING IN THERE?!

Nerdlinger: Staying cool?! (E-Rod ughs then sighs!)

E-Rod: I can't stay mad at you.  JARVIS, What's going on?

JARVIS: The Last Of The Americans accidentally teleported Lazarus Dark and has tasked him into studying A Paradox Rift. Lazarus has taken the ship

E-Rod: WHAT?  The shit just hit the fan. Sorry about cursing in front of you Nerdlinger.

Nerdlinger: Oh I'm used to you using saying bad words. Here I thought you might need this(Nerdlinger hands the actual Blockbuster Buster hammer to E-Rod and transforms into "The Blockbuster Buster")

Blockbuster Buster: JARVIS Send me to Omega Coordinates.

JARVIS: SIR?! Omega Coordinates are only to be used in case...

Blockbuster Buster: ...Of an emergency and the end of the world should qualify. Wish me luck Nerdlinger, cause I'm gonna need it! Allons-Y! (E-Rod teleports away before cutting to a black screen with James' message of "The Base has been compromised. Send no reply. Stay hidden. Send no reply. Our saboteur has jumped the gun and now we've got to go to our end game. Send no reply. Do Not Go Home, repeat Do Not Go Home. Send No reply" while seeing Linkara in his Captain's Chair sitting in sadness and then cut to several others just with sad looks on their faces as well as everyone else in E-Rod's ship getting sad except for Lazarus who sits in his Captain's chair with a grin on his face before cutting back to Linkara dressed as a Captain in Star Trek with a heavy sadness on his face.)

Linkara: Nimue open communications to E-Rod's Ship and to all decks on Comicron-One.

Nimue: Channels open.

Linkara (Audio only as scenes of everyone listening are seen.): As of this moment we're now fighting for our survival. As for our exploratory mission, I am in charge. The remaining power of command now goes to the Nostalgia Critic. We trust ourselves and no one else. To all who we associate ourselves with, if you are truly loyal then heaven help you because for as much as we trust you it is with profound sadness to tell you this but we cannot help you out of this situation. Linkara out. (Shuts off communication then cuts to The Nostalgia Critic in the hallway as The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball onto a wall before Hyper Fan Girl catches it.)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Hey how am I holding up? (Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Well considering I marry someone I tortured for the sake of my reviews and the world is on the brink, I'd have to say I'm hanging on to sanity by it's fumes. Which makes no sense in the grand scheme of things.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Trust me when I say things don't make sense anymore do you think I'd want to be stuck inside Hyper Fan Girl?(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Point taken. But it just seems I'd find someone else. As far as I know the future isn't set in stone yet.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): That's true. Who knows if things work out, you might wind up with Hyper or a pretty good woman.(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: I just want to avoid being in an apocalypse where my colleagues and the few friends I have die because of what I do.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well You and I know that Ma-Ti's death wasn't your fault but the fact remains that you and I blame the fact if we didn't drive him off into stupid things like say The Goat porn he'd still be around.(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: That's true. (The Two converse some more as their audio is slowly muted as Rowdy bumps into Alex DeCourville.)
Rowdy: Hey Alex, can I have a word with you in private?

Alex DeCourville: Sure thing. (Cut to the two in the "Engine Room")

Rowdy: I think something is up with E-Rod. Either it's not really him or someone has him under a spell either way don't follow his instructions.

Alex DeCourville: And if say someone like the Critic disappears or Count Jackula drops dead we'll know it was him or say someone got pissed off and dropped Jackula like a bad habit.

Rowdy: Listen all I know now is that James knows the person leading us isn't E-Rod.

Alex DeCourvile: How do you know that?

Rowdy: James told me in private that E-Rod told him that E-Rod renamed the Exit Strategy to The Gellar.

Alex DeCourville: So what do we do?

TLOTA: James gave me a private communication code to Jamietud. I've already told him what's going down and I hope he tells Linkara. (Cut to Jamietud keeping an eye onthe energy readings from the Rift )

Jamietud: Jamietud to Linkara, Come in Linkara. (Cut to Linkara in the Cockpit of Comicron One)

Linkara: You're coming in loud and clear. (Cut to Jamietud)

Jamietud: The energy is stable but according to Chris Stuckmann there's audio coming in. (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara: Let me connect to E-Rod and then we'll all listen. (Cut to E-Rod's ship as audio of James and everyone's voice saying things and then everyone listening.)

TO BE CONTINUED

Sunday, June 28, 2015

The End Of Mankind Part Four

(Scene starts two days later as Senator Michaud gets wind that his plans are close to being foiled and angered to no end.)

Senator Michaud: Intern, The number for the infiltrator, NOW (Cut to everyone just waiting around having a bite to eat and bored to death.)

Todd In The Shadows: You're Count Jackula aren't you?

Count Jackula: Yep. Got any horror movies?

Todd In The Shadows: Nope. Got any Pop songs that make me angry?

Count Jackula: Do I look like I'm into pop songs?

Todd In The Shadows: Touche. (Cut to Paw and Elisa changing Baby Grey's Diaper when the smell of it knocks out Benzaie, Eric Kurtzke, Jamietud, Alex DeCourville, Spoony, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Linkara, Malcolm & Tamara as they walk past the two before Lea Michele walks by.)

Lea Michele: Geez what do you feed your kid? Wait a second? I've seen you before. Haven't I?

Elisa Hanson-Schuler: Well maybe?

Lea Michele: No, no, no, you dress up like a Victorian Stevie Nicks?

Elisa Hanson-Schuler: Well on occasion.

Lea Michele: And then you review Vampire movies and merchandise.

Paw: Look I'm sure my wife is someone you think she is but right now we're busy taking care of our son and he's fidgeting while I'm trying to get the ointment on his tuchus so he doesn't chafe. So if you don't mind PISS OFF!

Lea Michele: What got into you? I was just inquiring if she was the same person that tormented my boyfriend last October. (Lea Michele walks off in a huff.)

Elisa: You came off a bit too strong.

Paw: Well between trying to take care of our son and fans wanted to see "Music Movies" return and now all this. I'm trying to stay sane in an insane world and the pressure can make people a little snappy. (Cut to Linkara contacting Comicron-One and Nimue)

Linkara: Nimue any changes to the Paradox rift?

Nimue (Audio only): Currently everything appears to be stable.

Linkara: Well if anything changes, let me be the first to know.

(James walks up to Linkara)

TLOTA: Good thinking as a matter of fact I need you and a team to examine the Paradox Rift. Bring E-Rod with you.

Linkara: Okay Snob, Stuckmann, Jamietud, Todd, C.R..Adorkable Rachel, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey. I need you on board Comicron-One with me to observe the Rift. E-Rod I need you as well.

TLOTA: Take the Exit Strategy as backup also bring with you Count Jackula, Alex DeCourville, Rowdy & Suede with you.

Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): Sure thing.

TLOTA: Excellent. Rowdy a word with you in Private!

Count Jackula: Oh Cool I get to fly in a spaceship, I'll fire lasers and be as bad ass as I am!

TLOTA: Okay everyone good luck. Right now E-Rod & Linkara will be keeping an eye on the Rift.

Hyper Fan Girl (C) (Audio only): Excuse me! (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl Physically walking towards James)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): I'd like to help out too.

TLOTA: Am I talking to Fan Girl or "Critic" now?

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Both

TLOTA: That makes no sense.

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Of course, it's not supposed to make sense.

TLOTA: Fine, Go with E-Rod on board The Exit Strategy.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a second, where she goes I have to follow.

TLOTA: For obvious reasons. Take care. You two will report to me on the hour every hour possible.

Linkara: You got it!

Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): I'll report to you myself.

TLOTA: Thanks. Everybody ready? (Linkara and his team give James the Thumbs Up as does Lazarus and his team.) Good luck. (Both teams teleport to their respective ships.)

The Cartoon Hero: Anything you need us for?

TLOTA: As a matter of fact I do. I need you, Paulo, Rebecca and John Santos to find Senator Michaud. He's supporting this "Internet Protection Act and I need...(An explosive device explodes outside James' office building.) ORAC! Report!

ORAC: Someone has blasted through the shielding.

TLOTA: We have been compromised something tells me the Saboteur isn't playing around. Jeannie get the rest of us to Chicago. Specifically The Nostalgia Critic's studio. Wait, I can't forget ORAC! (James runs as he encounters a group of soldiers without faces ready to gun him down before he is rescued by a fleet of Caliverterian Soldiers coming in from behind them and he decides to stand with them and summons The Sword Of Caliverti, The Ring of Aeon, Emmalina's Locket and the Gem From The Gauntlet Malachite's Hand before cutting to James looking in the backroom.)

TLOTA: JEANNIE! BLINK TO ORAC, GRAB IT AND GET EVERYONE ELSE OUT, NOW!

Jeannie: But what will happen to you James, friend of my master.

TLOTA: It doesn't matter, They're the key to stopping this. Get out. NOW!

Rebecca: James don't.

Paulo: Wait, I've got an idea. (Cut to all that remains running into James' time device.)

Paulo: ORAC! Rescue plan Delta.

ORAC: He may not like it.

Paulo: Just do it. (Cut to Rebecca and Paulo grabbing the Keys to activate the time device and inserting them into the slots to turn them before cutting to James and the Caliverterian Soldiers jumping over a dead faceless soldier just for the ability taking out ten of the faceless soldiers when the open door to James' time device swallows all of them up as the door closes and the time device flies off then cutting to James walking to the main console to drop Paulo like a bad habit)
TLOTA: DAMN IT PAULO! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME BEHIND!

Paulo: No way, we're are Sullivan loyal. We never leave one of our own behind. (James takes a calming breath)

TLOTA: You're right. I'm sorry. Setting coordinates for "Safe Haven" ORAC! Send a message. "The Base has been compromised. Send no reply. Stay hidden. Send no reply. Our saboteur has jumped the gun and now we've got to go to our end game. Send no reply Do Not Go Home, Repeat Do Not Go Home Send no reply." (Scene cuts to James' time device flying in the sky before fading to black)

TO BE CONTINUED

Friday, June 26, 2015

The End Of Mankind Part Three

(Scene starts in Linkara's apartment as he hums his theme song when Jeannie played by Lauren Biggan blinks in)

Jeannie: Hello, you're the friend of my master called Rowdy. (Linkara jumps back in surprise)

Linkara: You are...?

Jeannie: Jeannie

Linkara: Jeannie as in magical creature that grants three wishes Genie? That type of Genie?

Jeannie: That is correct and he and another mutual friend of his needs your ship. Well more specifically your teleportation device to bring them all to these coordinates. (Jeannie hands Linkara a slip of paper before cutting to see Film Brain and Mike J working out the kinks in a crossover before being cross wipe faded away. Then cut to E-Rod's apartment as Lazarus is being cross wipe faded away. Then cutting to The Nostalgia Critic coming in and going through his daily ritual of looking at the empty coffee cup and a picture of Ma-Ti and shedding a tear for his fallen friend before cutting to Malcolm and Tamara waiting in the backroom of the Critic's studio.)

Malcolm: Hey Critic Why do you that...( Malcolm and Tamara are cross wipe faded away before cutting to  The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Can't I still regret the actions that killed someone who I abused and should've treated well while he was still alive. Malcolm? Tamara? (Nostalgia Critic feels a tingle in him) What's going on?

(Nostalgia Critic shouts "Whoa! Dwah!" as he is cross wipe faded away before cutting to see The Nostalgia Critic, Malcolm and Tamara in a room with Rowdy, Count Jackula, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey, The Cartoon Hero, The Comic Strip Critic, Marzgurl, Adorkable Rachel, Todd in The Shadows, Angry Joe, Benzaie, Paw & Elisa, Spoony, C.R., Alex DeCourville, Suede, Chris Stuckmann, Luke Mochrie, Cinema Snob, Linkara and The Nostalgia Critic working his way to the front of the crowd as the camera turns to see everyone in Team "The Last of The Americans" and Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: Welcome everyone. (Cut to an office where Senator Michaud played by Rob Walker sits and watches The Nostalgia Critic slamming "The Haunted Mansion" starring Eddie Murphy and Senator Michaud getting angry when an intern played by Rachel Herrick walks in)

Intern: Senator Michaud, I've gotten word that our inside man has infiltrated his duplicate's home and is working on destroying everything.

Michaud: Excellent.

Intern: Are we going too far. I mean one of them have made a B-Level movie that people really like.

Michaud: Oh my dear intern. They control so much already. We're just returning things to the way they used to be. We'll be doing humanity a favor. Why don't you do me a favor and get me a copy of Fishtales from Amazon. (Cut to everyone standing there not believing James)

TLOTA: I know no one here has a reason to either trust or believe me. I hardly believe it myself. But ORAC confirms it. There is a Rift that's slowly destroying all of time and somehow it's connected to the fact that Nostalgia Critic's future temporal energies now reside in Hyper Fan Girl.

Jamietud: Color me skeptical but we need proof.

TLOTA: Exactly why I hotwired the Dream Amplifier and a projector to ORAC in order to project what happened and maybe we can see what happened. Are you ready Critic?

Nostalgia Critic: NO WAY AM I...!

TLOTA: Not you I mean the Critic that's not you but the you that is....

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Oh for the love of Peat Moss. (Hyper Fan Girl angrily walks over and puts the helmet.) Alright ORAC show them what's inside of my noggin! (A grunt of pain is heard as the device is activated and a hologram of "Critic" played by Barney Walker is seen)

"Critic": If you don't recognize me than allow me to introduce myself. Hello I'm The Nostalgia Critic and I remember it so you don't have to. (The Nostalgia Critic's jaw drops as Tamara and Malcolm snicker)

Malcolm: Wow you let yourself go

"Critic" (Audio only): And if my future wife and friend are snickering at how I look...(Cut to the hologram of "Critic")

"Critic": Allow me to show you how you'll be in forty years. (Holographic pics of Malcolm & Tamara played by Fard Muhammad and Sandy Walker are shown as Tamara and Malcolm joining The Nostalgia Critic in their Jaws being dropped.)

"Critic" (Audio only): Now if I have everyone's attention allow me to show you what will happen if the future is not stopped. (Cut to a black screen before showing a decimated city and other images of a Post Apocalyptic world while "Critic" does a voiceover.)

"Critic" (Voiceover): As you can see, the world we knew has been decimated. Internet reviewers have been considered public enemy Number one and most of those who were and are associated with that profession are now lying in unmarked graves. It all started when one of our own went rouge. It was that one that sided with all that we were against that caused a civil war. Those of us who were friends became enemies. Those who we had minor disagreements in certain areas with became battle cries to destroy each other not only on-line but in real life as well eventually every Government united in our destruction. However in their own hubris they trusted the same one who betrayed us to lead the battle. The one was able to unite them and now rules with an iron fist and those who oppose him are thrown out of time and space into The Paradox Rift. Those who would've lived and those who didn't now reside. I felt a measure of responsibility, So I decided to do what I had to do and I went back in time, though I didn't end up where I wanted to but I'm making with what I have (Cut to the hologram of "Critic"). Now that you're here you must find the one who will betray us. Good Luck. (The Hologram shuts off and cuts to James)

TLOTA: So which one of us becomes our Judas, our Brutus and our Benedict Arnold.

Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): Well I say we not wait and find the traitor.

TLOTA: Steady there will be plenty of time he or she will reveal herself soon. I can feel it, but for now we've got a Paradox rift to contain if not stop while trying to stop our Governments from crucifying us and of course stop the mad men with dreams of world domination. We can't split up for any reason, not yet anyways. So the question now is "Where do we start?"

TO BE CONTINUED

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The End Of Mankind Part Two

(Scene starts with Hyper Fan Girl looks at herself in total shock and trying not to believe it)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): This can't be happening. I knew ORAC said the coordinates were approximate but this is like shooting for the moon and hitting Pluto instead?! How am I going to convince myself let alone anyone else that I am The Nostalgia Critic and not the nut job that I'm stuck in! Gahh!

Hyper Fan Girl (Audio only): Hey! Over here, look in the mirror. ("Critic" in Hyper Fan Girl turns to the Mirror)

Hyper Fan Girl (M): Hi Critic, it's me Hyper Fan Girl (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): I remember you who you are. How could this have happened? (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)

Hyper Fan Girl (M): Well you must've been thinking of me in some capacity.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C):Well to be honest I had a feeling you would want to help. (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)

Hyper Fan Girl (M): Just not having me host your energies.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Do you know how what everyone is going to do when I ask them for their help?(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)

Hyper Fan Girl (M): Maybe you shouldn't be asking everyone of them all at once. Try one and if that one believes you the rest should be a piece of pie.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well I can't go to myself. Who can I go to?(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror thinking and coming to a smile before cutting James, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca ending the tour of the Studio to John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller)

Eric Kurtzke: For such an unremarkable place you do quite remarkable work.

John Santos: So when do we start?

TLOTA: Well me, Paulo and Rebecca got the ball rolling here in October with my "Top 13 Vampire Movies better than "The Twilight Saga"". I got myself restarted in June of 2013  and now I'm on the path of The Internet Reviewer and you guys barring any problem will begin in April with my review of "Willow"

Renee Miller: You mean that movie with that little guy with Val Kilmer?

Mike Santos: I think you mean Top Gun!

Eric Kurtzke: Well you mistook Warwick Davis for Tom Cruise.

Paulo Fonseca: Well to be honest Warwick is taller than Tom Cruise.

TLOTA: Ooh! Awesome Burn on Cruise!

ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! ALERT! Hyper Fan Girl is outside.

TLOTA: What? (Everyone runs out to see Hyper Fan Girl)

TLOTA: Why are you here and how did you get out of the nuthouse?

Hyper Fan Girl (C): James, I know you think I'm Hyper Fan Girl but it's me. It's The Critic.

TLOTA: Jay Sherman?

Hyper Fan Girl (C): No

TLOTA: Roger Ebert?

Hyper Fan Girl (C): No

TLOTA: Gene Siskel?

Hyper Fan Girl (C): No

TLOTA: Richard Roeper? David Edelstein? A.O. Scott? Michael Phillips? David Denby? Elvis Mitchell? Christy Lemire? Ignatiy Vishnevetsky? Leonard Maltin? Jeffrey Lyons? Joel Siegel? Gene Shalit?

Hyper Fan Girl (C): No not a single one of them. You remember my intro. (Hyper Fan Girl coughs and flawlessly says "Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.")

TLOTA: Seriously? (Hyper Fan Girl nods yes) You are "The Nostalgia Critic" ?(Hyper Fan Girl nods yes) I need a moment for this to sink in will everyone excuse me for a moment. (James walks away closing the door to the office building and proceeds to laugh uncontrollably for a good two minutes before walking back to everyone else.) Okay "Critic" if it's really you. Tell me something no one else knows about.

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well for example you were doing an archeological dig when you found the sword while I ran Kickassia.

TLOTA: Anyone could've talked about it.

Hyper Fan Girl (C): You stole Ma-Ti's Ring after he died.

TLOTA: It was fair game and it was the Ring Of Aeon before Ma-Ti got it.

Hyper Fan Girl (C): Caliverti! That's right. Who else knows about Caliverti?

ORAC (Audio only): It is on the news right now!

TLOTA: What? (Everyone rushes in as scene cuts to E-Rod fresh and fully dressed from his Blockbuster Slumber)

E-Rod: So I've got a Pros vs. Cons before I work on my 200th episode and after that is....(Knock on the door.)

JARVIS: Sir, someone is at the door.

E-Rod: I'm aware JARVIS! (E-Rod goes and opens the door)

E-Rod: Hello.

Lazarus Dark (Audio only): You robbed me of my chance. Now that you're out of your slumber, I shall rob you of everything you hold dear!

E-Rod: SHIT! (E-Rod tries to close the door when a hand stops him before cutting back to see a GNN report and a news reporter played by Carey Denise Moore is on the screen.)

News reporter: Senator Michaud and the coalition he's working with will continue to push the Internet Protection Act until and I quote "The Internet is free from all that is wrong with it." End quote. We will keep up with the latest on his act. And in interesting News an ancient Island appeared from out of nowhere as many have claimed it either as one of two possibilities. The fabled Atlantis or possibly the less well known continent of Caliverti. While the possibility for either is there all we know now for sure is that things are different.(Cut to everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: Look at that.

Paulo: What is it?

TLOTA: ORAC Capture that image and magnify behind the mountain. (Cut to the image on the screen which shows a rift in the sky.)

TLOTA (Audio only): I've seen this before. (Cut to James going into the backroom where a lot of the props and weapons are stored and James grabs his laptop and discovers several more images of the rift in Scotland 1560, The day James saved the world from the plot hole and in an image of Caliverti the day Everyone saved Caliverti before cutting to James and everyone on team "The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I've got no other choice. ORAC! Contact Rowdy and then any and everyone available in Channel Awesome, Manic Expression,The Reviewerverse anywhere and everywhere because we're gonna need all the help we can get. (Cut to E-Rod removed of his Blockbuster Buster powers inside a fridge and E-Rod's Hammer in Lazarus' hand.)

Lazarus Dark (Audio only): You need not worry too much. (Cut to Lazarus transforming into an E-Rod duplicate)
Lazarus Dark: By the time your legion find out it'll be too late. (Lazarus closes the door)

TO BE CONTINUED

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The End Of Mankind Part One

(The Channel Awesome Mark 2 Logo opening is halfway through the few second run when a missle destroys it and whatever debris is left land on a decimated city with text saying Channel Awesome in association with Manic Expression productions, Rowdy C Productions &MadiMaly Entertainment Present. A ChannelAwesome.com Production. A James Faraci Film as gigantic robots look around and an explosion is seen as a group of people run for a storm door leading to a poorly lit tunnel and an old man played by Barney Walker does a voiceover)

"Critic" (Voiceover): My name has been forgotten for some time now. The only title I remember is "Critic" and I remembered so much especially when it came to how things when came to pass to bring forth The End Of Mankind itself. (The group of people look up as it fades to a starry sky with a gigantic tear in the sky and the tear comes towards the Screen to show the inverse of the sky as  everything zooms to the front of the screen as the words "The End Of Mankind" are shown before cutting to credited actors of Doug Walker on top and Barney & Sandy Walker on the bottom, Malcolm Ray on top and Fard Muhammad on the bottom, Tamara Chambers on top and Benjamin Daniels on the bottom, James Faraci on top and Eli Stone on the bottom, John Ross Santos on the top and Mike Santos on the bottom, Eric Neil Kurtzke on the top and Renee Miller on the bottom, Brad Jones on the top and Nash Bozard on the bottom, Chris Lee Moore on the top and Carey Denise Moore on the bottom, Lewis Lovhaug on the top and William DuFresne on the bottom, Mathew Buck on the top and Mike Jeavons on the bottom, Luke Mochrie on the top and John Webber on the bottom, Kaylyn Saucedo on top and Rachel Herrick on the bottom, Mickey Paradis & Tom Hanley on the top and Rob Walker on the bottom, Paul Schuler & Elisa Hanson on top and Noah Antweiler & Stevie Swigart on the bottom, Joe Vargas on the top and Jack Shen on the bottom, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca on top and James Sullivan & Alex DeCourville on the bottom, Lea Michele on top, Chad Rocco in the middle and Chris Stuckmann on the bottom and Bhargov Dronamraju as Ma-Ti Cameramen: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, Jim Jarosz & Ed Glaser. Lighting & Sound: Justin Barnes, Terrence Dellinger. Special Effects Make up & Make up: Haley Barnes. Music: Michael ‘Skitch’ Schiciano. Orchestrations by Barney Walker, Special Effects: Jim Troken, Marek Wodzinski, Tony Katajisto, Alyssa Raabe, Allen Stephens, Andrew Dickman & David Wenol. Writers: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, James Faraci & Chris Lee Moore.  Edited by Doug Walker & James Faraci, Directed by James Faraci. As Portal zooms through to James in a still frame holding the sword as he takes on the plot hole in "The Mighty Crusade".)

"Critic" (Voiceover): Some say that things got rough when one man who called himself "The Last Of The Americans" stood against a plot hole. (Cut to images zooming through moments in "To Boldly Flee" to a still image of Ma-Ti fending off Malachite in "Suburban Knights") Or when an angry South American named Ma-Ti took on an ancient sorcerer named Malachite.(Cut to images zooming through "Suburban Knights" to a still image of The Nostalgia Critic reaching out while getting stomped by everyone involved in the Kickassia invasion in "Kickassia") Or when I tried to take over an acre of land and name it "Kickassia" (Cut to a Still of England as Dr. Insano walks hand in hand with Mary Queen Of Scots in "The Day of The Hero") Or when Dr. Insano was exiled to Scotland to be briefly married to Bloody Mary (Cut through zooming images to a war weary Caliverti from "The Day Of The Hero) Or when we saved an Island Continent near the Galapagos Islands. (Cut to an image less weary Caliverti with a light shattering the grey skies over Caliverti in "The Mighty Crusade.") Twice. (Cut to a black screen) But the truth is...it happened when one of us went rouge. His name is so hated it has been forgotten. (Cut to images of Newspapers with the headlines "Internet Reviewers to be removed from Internet by 2016) He did something so wrong, it caused a total collapse in Society. (Cut to footage of internet reviewers lifeless corpses left to rot and in the pile is James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.) One of those who were killed was probably the only one who could've stopped this was known only as either James or "The Last Of The Americans" either way he was the one who could have saved us. (Cut back to the group of people in an underground tunnel and the camera moves down the line.) Most of us who survived extinction now are underground with every government agency wishing us destroyed makes me wonder (Camera stops to an aged Nostalgia Critic played by Barney Walker.) How much longer will we survive? Is there any hope? The answer as of now is...no. (A hand comes up behind the aged Nostalgia Critic as a hand comes behind him and he turns the aged Nostalgia Critic.)

"Critic": Malcolm, What did you find? (Malcolm played by Fard Muhammad leads the aged Nostalgia Critic down a corridor)

Malcolm: We found it in an abandoned base. Hopefully we can use it. Tamara, is it working yet? (Cut to Tamara played by Sandy Walker)

Tamara: If it does, it'll be a miracle. (Tamara finds an activation Keycard and sticks it into a familiar looking device) ORAC, Can you hear us? (Sparks fly out of the ORAC console body)

ORAC: Funct..Funct...Functionality is at best minimal. I know what you must do to stop to stop to stop this cccccc catastrophe. It will of course put you in harms waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

"Critic": I don't think I'll survive but it appears we have no choice. (Cut to "Critic", Tamara and Malcolm running from moving lights with ORAC in their clutches as they make it to a base to see a chamber of sorts.)

"Critic": What will this do, ORAC?

ORAC: If it is functional functional functional it will send you back to a moment before all of this began began began began. (ORAC sparks again) Functionality is limited now.

Malcolm: So what should we do?

"Critic" Not we Malcolm. Me. I have to go back, convince everyone I'm not me in the sense that I'm my usual self and get everyone together. ORAC ready the chamber.

ORAC: Unfortunately I can make approx approx approx approximate coordinates through the rift. You might not land in your own bod bod bod bod body.

Robotic guard (Audio only): You are in an restricted area. Surrender immediately!

Tamara: Hurry, Come back soon, hopefully to something better.

"Critic": I will. (Tamara and "Critic" Kiss) See you soon. ("Critic" enters the pod as the door is slammed.)
Malcolm: Okay ORAC, Activate the pod. (ORAC Hums as the Door bursts and Robotic guards stand toe to toe with Malcolm and Tamara as "Critic"'s body is disintegrated into a burst of light and ORAC says quickly "goodbye" and destructs blowing up the base altogether as the blast of white light stays for a few seconds as it fades the camera cuts to a POV shot of someone waking up in a peach colored bedroom.)

A Voice: Where am I? When am I? Why don't I sound like myself? (The body behind my voice finds the day's paper showing it is Mid March 2015 in Chicago.) Well that explains when and where I am but it doesn't explain why I sound female. Female? Oh God no! OH GOD NO! (The body behind the voice runs to a Mirror to discover that the body he's in is in fact "Hyper Fan Girl")

Hyper Fan Girl: AW! FUCK DONKEYS!

TO BE CONTINUED

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Reality Checkout: The Kardashians

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to a rebooted idea I had toyed around in my first run. Now when I say it's "a rebooted idea I toyed around in my first run" I mean I talked about the subject of Reality Television stars and how much I hate them as much as my associate has his disdain for the Genre altogether in which I agree as to why he does hate it. But this rebooted idea I now have a structure and a title for it so welcome to a segment I now officially call "Reality Checkout" (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: In my first run I had talked about some pretty bad customers in this realm like The Gosselins and the Teutuls of Orange County Choppers and I'll revisit them in a later time but right now if I'm going to reboot the idea for knocking reality television stars back down to earth, I figured I'd talk about some of the biggest ones in the bottom of the pile of human excrement that is Reality Television: The Kardashians. (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I know everyone wants to find a way to wipe all of them off the face of the earth and I agree with every reason why. Yes, The Kardashians have destroyed so much including my friend's favorite Basketball team, the legacy of former decent human being and former Olympian and science experiment who I will be referring as "Jenner" even their own kin isn't safe from what I've heard Rob Kardashian Jr. their own brother would rather be related to dog snot than his own flesh and blood because he was trying to keep up with his siblings and all it got him was overweight, alone and absolutely miserable and let's not forget the offspring the sister have been producing they've been around cameras all their lives once those cameras are gone their lives will be destroyed eventually and I'll honestly feel bad for those poor kids. But will it matter to the sisters? Probably not, they'd probably be nonchalant as their kids are going down the toilet. As a matter of fact I think Scott Disick will wind up being able to match wits with Brick Tamland by the time they go off the air and as for Lamar Odom, let me give him advice now. Retire and become a commentator on NBA on TNT. But even if they leave as is with Reality TV they'll find something Far, Far, FAR WORSE THAN THEM as is it is the way with Reality TV. Even worse is that when they're gone they would've made enough cash to buy an Island and it's inhabitants, why? Because they ventured themselves into a fortune equal to a foreign countries' gross national product  But then there are some positives that will come from their extinction of fame. We could actually see better shows. (Cut to clips of the scripted series "The Flash" while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you've seen the series of "The Flash" which was spun off from "Arrow" you'll know why it's so amazing. The characters are more interesting than anything featuring The Kardashians. Why? Because they have real problems, real development, really interesting stories.  (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Kardashians? What have they done? They do nothing....AT ALL and yet people still watch them because their network's news division think them dropping fecal matter important in terms of entertainment news than a movie that could possibly make enough cash to save themselves from bankruptcy or possibly an independent film maker who makes a movie that makes Hollywood stand up & say "Hey this guy is gonna change How we make movies" or a fan's petition to save a series they loved or see get a DVD and or Blu-Ray release but what dominates the majority of what they discuss as their headlines? ANYTHING INVOLVING THE KARDASHIANS. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Now I know everyone on this rock wants to see this family and it's ancestors wiped off the face of the earth. But again there will be worse, in fact there is worse which I will deal with at a later time. But the consensus remains that The Kardashians need to check out of television and just flat out check out. (Cut to an image of everything with the Kardashian name on it in a tote being launched into the heart of the sun before cutting back to James)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The La...(Static interrupts the feed for ten seconds before cutting back to see James having been pummeled into a bloodied pile as the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke stands in front of the audience.)

Government Agent: Due to recent events our Government have found James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and all known Internet Reviewers are officially enemies of the state. There for we have ended James Faraci The Last Of The Americans' reviews. Please enjoy the sites that our Government have deemed acceptable and have a nice day. (The Government Agent pulls out his gun and shoots the computer leaving a static feed for two seconds before the Presidential seal appears with a Test Screen sound playing in the background for five seconds before fading to black)

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A second anniversary that's less than "Full Throttle"


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as “Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)

TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.

Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?

TLOTA: Yep

Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?

TLOTA: The same one

Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and Tommy Wiseau is the villain?

TLOTA: You bet.

John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?

TLOTA: Oh god yes

Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?

TLOTA: You are correct sir!

Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the Henchman?

TLOTA: Oh Yeah!

Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black and Alanis Morrissette?

TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely

Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?

TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!

Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies would’ve been a whole lot more different.

Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!

John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there paying off her Collegiate debts.

TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S. Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as business calls as they’re called in by who else?

Jason & Pete: Charlie

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not, repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit” and then cut to James)

TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the “Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future” movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation. Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.

Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)

TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check, getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are, protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain. I need a break to get my head on right.

Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)

TLOTA: Thank you!

John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review as clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun? (Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest, I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely fun ears shoe nose to”?  “I hot sue hey Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”? “Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge. Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a cafĂ© she is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?

(Cut to the lobby)

John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.

Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.

Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!

Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?

Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a voiceover.)

Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying “Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)

Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.

Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side with you and so will Paulo.

Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.

Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)

TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the lobby.)

Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s “The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison, Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E! Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!

Dylan: She is SO fired!

TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go “Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)

Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)

John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)

John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John by his Ponytail)

Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones. Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of shite.

Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.

ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.

Sheamus: And it’s a shame.

Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea picks James up)

TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)

TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)

Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production but I gave him the slip.

TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster outside of James’ office)

TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)

Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?

Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke.)

The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!