Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Standing "Atop The Fourth Wall" for a little while

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Yaun, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well... this is embarrassing.  You see, I made a wager with Linkara as to whether or not he could get his movie finished and out for people to watch by the end of the year and since he has done so. I now have to honor the wager. Either review his attempt at making cinema or be forced to carry Comicron-One on my back whilst singing the opening theme song  TO "Atop The Fourth Wall" down every street in Minnesota and seeing as how I'm not singing Vincent E.L.'s theme for "Atop The Fourth Wall", I'm not in Minnesota and Comicron-One is NOT behind me. Well then you know what I'm doing. (Cut to Opening Credit for Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie as Vincent E.L.'s theme for "Atop The Fourth Wall" plays in the background before cutting to clips of "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):  "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie" feels like it wants to be its own movie but it  feels hampered down and is more like a quasi-sequel to the Channel Awesome trilogy of "Kickassia", "Suburban Knights" & "To Boldly Flee". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So Does this movie suck worse than every single comic Linkara says "Suck" or is it as great as the "Doctor Who/Star Trek: The Next Generation Assimilation 2" crossover comic book. Let's find out, this is "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie". (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie begins with Allen Park played by Lanipator meeting with Linkara about Comicron-One in which the deal is as long as Linkara doesn't use his ship to attack America or any nation and they'll allow him to keep Comicron-One and his life. Smartly Linkara accepts as we cut to four years later as Allen and Linkara are chumming it up and Linkara is getting hammered! (Show the clip of Linkara getting drunk before cutting to James Physically.)

TLOTA: Eh must be getting ready to do another issue of Marville. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)


TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually the two are celebrating Linkara's birthday a night before. Why? I don't know but Allen tells us he has to deal with communications with the Space Station Caelestis so he can't be  plastered. After having a dream of all his past major enemies and what he has had to deal with in the time he met Allen to this moment, we see what his daily ritual on how he does a review including looking at a bad comics, taking a bit of the hair of the dog that bit him with his coffee then film the episode but as he begins to film his latest episode he kind of feels like he's not into doing the episode and walks away. Maybe he's feeling older or feeling like him doing his series has lost it's flavor or whatever is going on he feels he's in a funk and has no idea what to do. Meanwhile The Caelestis reaches the Jovian area of space in which they discover a power source and quickly disappears. With nowhere left to turn Allen turns to Linkara to find out what happened to The Caelestis. Unfortunately Linkara has Nash, Angry Joe, Marzgurl, Cinema Snob and Obscurus Lupa over for a bad movie marathon which doesn't include Alki David's "Fishtales". (Cut to James physically.)



TLOTA: Well the second you people start putting Alki David's "Fishtales" into your bad movie marathons let me know or at least invite me so I can show you the horridness of Alki David's "Fishtales".(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But Linkara decides to help Allen out of his predicament  and everyone joins them on board Comicron-One in which Harvey Finevoice and 90's Kid are just hanging around. (Cut to the scene in which Linkara gives everyone their positions on the ship and Allen is on his phone and all of that is covered in a thick gray fog before cutting to James in that same thick gray fog holding a Sonic Screwdriver.)

TLOTA: The Foreshadowing is so thick, not even my sonic screwdriver can cut through it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the team is heading off to Jupiter and Linkara continues to question his abilities and his strength. Meanwhile 90's Kid proceeds to drive Obscurus Lupa and most of the crew nuts all the while Linkara and Allen question what is normal in their lives and to be honest these are good questions to ask and Allen suggests Linkara take a breather after their sojourn to Jupiter and what a coinkydink they get a call about how the crew may for all intent and purpose maybe dead. Meanwhile Nash & Joe get knowledge on how to work and run the engines and the power to the ship and is it me or is Nash trying to out-mug Shia LaBeouf and sound more robotic than Tommy Wiseau. (Cut to every scene of Nash sounding flat.)

TLOTA (Impersonating Nash): I'm the guy who talks about news on my series and I sound dead inside and yet my eyes bulge out of my head like Nicolas Cage while he's freaking out and my smile makes people nervous because I might peel the flesh off of them like Ed Gein! I'm an Actor! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Joe asks where Linksano is and we find out he's trying to turn Boffo into a jukebox. Don't ask! So as our heroes make it to the Debris field and where the Caelestis should be and they ask Allen what the hell is going on? Allen tells them that it was possible while The Caelestis was nearby Jupiter for them to search through the Debris field for anything that couldn't be harmful. Before Linkara could give Allen an earful The Caelestis attacks Comicron-One and Allen and Lupa are injured and Nash can't seem to fix the engine or his acting and we discover what or should I say Who is the cause of the attack.

Mechakara(Audio only): Is something wrong Linkara? You have boasted before about your preparation, your anticipation of my presence yet when your enemy finally strikes, I find your defenses as weak and impotent as the skin and meat of your form!

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, Mechakara survived via the Gem from The Gauntlet Malachite's Hand and resurrected himself and reprogrammed the crew of the Caelestis. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay!  How did he do that? I took the Gem from the Gauntlet Malachite's Hand and fashioned a bracelet to harness it's power, I stopped The Plot Hole from engulfing the entire planet unless Linkara and everyone else who went into the plot hole from our Earth in which The Channel Awesome crew that disappeared weren't the ones we've been seen and known all this time and...(Continuity Alarm Klaxons blare and the words Continuity Alarm are seen over and under James)

TLOTA: ORAC! SHUT THE ALARM OFF! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Paralyzed by fear, Marzgurl orders the attack and eventually sending Mechakara on the run and unfortunately Allen apparently dies from the attack, with both ships crippled and The Gem nearly drained they head out to Europa which still has a base filled with spare parts from the Plot Hole Incident . In the meanwhile Marzgurl calls out Linkara on why he kind of froze up in the heat of the battle when this happens (Show clip of Linkara ranting about what happened to him before Marzgurl shouts out "AND THEN YOU FROZE!" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually to this movie's credit this part in which we see Linkara and his team wonder about the absurdity of their lives and wonder if there is something else out there and what is wrong with Linkara and by extension themselves is well written and handled by everyone. So Comicron-One makes it to Europa and we discover that 90's Kid is a technical genius as he's the guy who handles general maintenance of Comicron-One and Linkara's Arsenal. So Nash, Linkara & Lupa teleport into the abandoned base they try to see if anyone or anything else is down there. As Nash finds some supplies he cuts himself on something but on second check, the wound has healed. Apparently some of the residual energies and effects of the Plot Hole has affected Europa which gives Linkara a Deus Ex Machina to revive Allen from being dead! But the timing couldn't be worse as Mechakara finds his way there and teleports down too. Meanwhile Linkara laments what happened to Allen and Nash finds weapons, Linkara has Lupa and Nash teleported out of danger as Mechakara taunts Linkara more as the two slug it out until Linkara finds a weapon that shoots Bees! (Show clip of Bees harming Mechakara and at the end of it Linkara saying "Bees... My God.")

TLOTA (Voiceover): Still not letting that one go are ya? Well don't forget "Of course don't you know anything about science?" and of course, the ever popular mental breakdown whilst "Combine Harvester" from The Wurtzels play in the background you have in your arsenal of tropes

TLOTA: And if you remember those "Atop The Fourth Wall" gags as I do, consider yourself as big a dork as I am! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Linkara's crew repair Comicron-One and we get something interesting. 90's Kid shows depth and development while Nash and Harvey go into further depth with what they talked about earlier while repairing the engines. Meanwhile The Power goes out but leave it to Angry Joe and his electrical abilities to recharge the engines while Linkara continues to go through his crisis and works it out while Allen is slowly but surely revived from being dead.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I guess Allen was only mostly dead. There's a difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive with all dead there's only one thing to do. Go through the pockets to look for loose change. (Audio of audience booing as James ducks objects are being hurled his way before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile The Cinema Snob distracts the crew of The Caelestis as he and Lupa attack from the Vigilant and everyone else attacks from Comicron-One before demolishing The Caelestis they teleport the crew into the brig as Allen and Linkara ready to fight
Mechakara. However fully mechanized and upgraded, Mechakara means to kill and Linkara he's done taking things lightly. Wanna know how? He actually drops an F-Bomb!

Linkara: Fuck You Too! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yowza! I'd never thought I'd hear Linkara drop an F-Bomb! But it happened!(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)


TLOTA (Voiceover): And faster than I can say Badaboomba! Everyone else teleports down to help Linkara wipe the floor with Mechakara...at least for a second or two! Because as we all know Mechakara will and does adapt quickly to everything it can see except for when 90's Kid adjusts the weapons he created to overload and turns them into bombs which distract Mechakara long enough for everyone to unite and Hit Mechakara with everything they have with a boomerang shot that obliterates him and now all that's left is...(Cut to showing Mechakara's Metallic Skeleton continuing on before cutting to James taking off his glasses, moving his chair out of the way and banging his head on the wall behind him for five seconds.)

TLOTA: HOLY FRACKING HELL! WHAT ARE THEY GONNA HAVE TO DO TO PUT MECHAKARA DOWN LIKE OLD YELLER!? HIT HIM WITH NEUTRO? DROP EVERY SINGLE NUCLEAR WEAPON ON HIM? DROP COMICRON-ONE ON HIM?! SERIOUSLY HOW CAN HE BE...(Cut to a zoomed in pic inside Mechakara's Metallic Skull and shows an 9 volt Energizer MAX battery before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well that explains it. (Cut back to the movie)

Linkara: You just don't know when to die do you? You know you were telling me earlier about how much better machines are. How flesh sucks and steel rules but that's the thing isn't it, you are an android but me...

TLOTA (Voiceover): Wait, wait, Stop (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Let me take a crack at it... (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

Linkara (Synchronized with TLOTA): I AM A MAN! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: I guess he wanted to use all his tropes in this and I can't blame him. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With that and enough lead hurled by Lupa, Mechakara is defeated and the crew of the now destroyed Caelestis back to normal, Linkara feels revitalized and decides before going on with his less than truly bad movie marathon because again I say no bad movie marathon is complete without Alki David's "Fishtales".  The movie ends with Linkara getting ready for another review.

Linkara: Hello and Welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that's "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie" and... It doesn't suck!

(Cut to clips of the movie as Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie plays and the "Atop The Fourth Wall" gunslinger song from Vincent E.L. plays in the background and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a standalone movie it's not bad. The story is well paced as is the action. The acting for the most part is very good. The Effects are incredible for what they're worth especially when you know it's like a "Star Trek" movie on the budget of "Clerks" and Linkara definitely holds everything in place right where it needs it. But as a quasi-sequel to The Channel Awesome trilogy of "Kickassia", "Suburban Knights" & "To Boldly Flee" it's not bad but it could've been as bad as "Dragged In" had it not been for a lot of effort put in by everyone in front of and behind the camera. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And you know what, I've been inspired! Yeah, that's right! After watching this, I feel so inspired that I, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans will one day turn one of my "Channel Awesome" adventures and actually turn it into a M..(the letter "O" in the word "Movie" is freeze jumps for three second before cutting to a "Disc Error" screen for two seconds then cutting to Lewis Lovhaug looking into a camera with a smile on his face on his computer for editing.)

Lewis Lovhaug: Whoops!