Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Reality Checkout: The Kardashians

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to a rebooted idea I had toyed around in my first run. Now when I say it's "a rebooted idea I toyed around in my first run" I mean I talked about the subject of Reality Television stars and how much I hate them as much as my associate has his disdain for the Genre altogether in which I agree as to why he does hate it. But this rebooted idea I now have a structure and a title for it so welcome to a segment I now officially call "Reality Checkout" (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: In my first run I had talked about some pretty bad customers in this realm like The Gosselins and the Teutuls of Orange County Choppers and I'll revisit them in a later time but right now if I'm going to reboot the idea for knocking reality television stars back down to earth, I figured I'd talk about some of the biggest ones in the bottom of the pile of human excrement that is Reality Television: The Kardashians. (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I know everyone wants to find a way to wipe all of them off the face of the earth and I agree with every reason why. Yes, The Kardashians have destroyed so much including my friend's favorite Basketball team, the legacy of former decent human being and former Olympian and science experiment who I will be referring as "Jenner" even their own kin isn't safe from what I've heard Rob Kardashian Jr. their own brother would rather be related to dog snot than his own flesh and blood because he was trying to keep up with his siblings and all it got him was overweight, alone and absolutely miserable and let's not forget the offspring the sister have been producing they've been around cameras all their lives once those cameras are gone their lives will be destroyed eventually and I'll honestly feel bad for those poor kids. But will it matter to the sisters? Probably not, they'd probably be nonchalant as their kids are going down the toilet. As a matter of fact I think Scott Disick will wind up being able to match wits with Brick Tamland by the time they go off the air and as for Lamar Odom, let me give him advice now. Retire and become a commentator on NBA on TNT. But even if they leave as is with Reality TV they'll find something Far, Far, FAR WORSE THAN THEM as is it is the way with Reality TV. Even worse is that when they're gone they would've made enough cash to buy an Island and it's inhabitants, why? Because they ventured themselves into a fortune equal to a foreign countries' gross national product  But then there are some positives that will come from their extinction of fame. We could actually see better shows. (Cut to clips of the scripted series "The Flash" while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you've seen the series of "The Flash" which was spun off from "Arrow" you'll know why it's so amazing. The characters are more interesting than anything featuring The Kardashians. Why? Because they have real problems, real development, really interesting stories.  (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Kardashians? What have they done? They do nothing....AT ALL and yet people still watch them because their network's news division think them dropping fecal matter important in terms of entertainment news than a movie that could possibly make enough cash to save themselves from bankruptcy or possibly an independent film maker who makes a movie that makes Hollywood stand up & say "Hey this guy is gonna change How we make movies" or a fan's petition to save a series they loved or see get a DVD and or Blu-Ray release but what dominates the majority of what they discuss as their headlines? ANYTHING INVOLVING THE KARDASHIANS. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Now I know everyone on this rock wants to see this family and it's ancestors wiped off the face of the earth. But again there will be worse, in fact there is worse which I will deal with at a later time. But the consensus remains that The Kardashians need to check out of television and just flat out check out. (Cut to an image of everything with the Kardashian name on it in a tote being launched into the heart of the sun before cutting back to James)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The La...(Static interrupts the feed for ten seconds before cutting back to see James having been pummeled into a bloodied pile as the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke stands in front of the audience.)

Government Agent: Due to recent events our Government have found James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and all known Internet Reviewers are officially enemies of the state. There for we have ended James Faraci The Last Of The Americans' reviews. Please enjoy the sites that our Government have deemed acceptable and have a nice day. (The Government Agent pulls out his gun and shoots the computer leaving a static feed for two seconds before the Presidential seal appears with a Test Screen sound playing in the background for five seconds before fading to black)