(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to James in his chair)
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..." (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..." appear to the left of James then cutting to clips of The Muppets in various projects from "The Muppet Show" to "The Great Muppet Caper" to "Muppets Most Wanted")
TLOTA (Voice over): Recently, there have been rumors that The Muppets were coming back to the small screen with a re-boot of "The Muppet Show" under Bill Prady who had worked in the past with The Muppets on a few projects but he has a big set of shoes to fill. Whose shoes you may ask, well Jim Henson's of course but after Jim Henson's passing things weren't easy but there were decent projects including "Muppet Christmas Carol" & a kind of a Reboot of "The Muppet Show" called "Muppets Tonight" which while it didn't last long was pretty good. (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA: But there was one project that didn't seem to make an impact and did more to knock The Muppets out of prominence and nearly sent them to obscurity. I am of course talking about "Muppets From Space" (Cut to clips of "Muppets From Space" while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): And to be honest, it is not as bad as everyone says it was. So this time I will defend probably what many Muppets fans like myself consider a REAL low point. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So let's start with where it failed. (Cut to clips of "Muppets From Space" while James does a voice over)
TLOTA: Okay first off the timing wasn't good because it came out the SAME YEAR as "Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace", "Austin Powers: The Man Who Shagged Me", "American Pie", "The Matrix" and "Star Trek: Insurrection". So no wonder "Muppets From Space" was given the short end of the stick in terms of getting recognition. There were so many big effects "Blockbusters" that a movie about something with The Muppets would be considered second class. Also The Muppets had movies with original musical numbers. Here there was no such consideration to original musical numbers. We had Kermit and the gang shaking their collective groove things to The Commodores' "Brick House" and a number with Gonzo's relative dancing and singing to "Celebrate" originally by Kool And The Gang and while they were good moments without any original musical numbers to compliment them it looked like the producers of the movie didn't even try to do anything to remedy the situation and the pop culture references they used by todays standards is out of date. Also a lot of the celebrity cameos were either below Muppets standards or wasted. I mean seriously Andie MacDowell, you were in "Groundhog's Day" with Bill Murray and Ray Liotta you were in "Goodfellas" and they gave you a meaningless cameo and they tried to hook Animal up with Kathy Griffin and don't get me started on "Hollywood Hulk Hogan" and UGH Rob Schneider. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But was there anything good about it? YOU BEST BELIEVE IT BUB! (Cut to clips of "Muppets From Space" while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): First off, we get actual focus on a Muppet outside of Kermit. We don't know much about Gonzo outside of he's abnormal and that's it. We don't know if he's from this planet or was from a time far different from ours, so to discover that Gonzo is an alien from outer space makes some sense. Plus the journey he has to go through to find out who he is and where he can go to discover where he can meet his people is fascinating also the fact the antagonist played by Jeffrey Tambor who is so bent on being seen as the authority when it comes to aliens. Seriously Fox Mulder is snickering at how idiotic this guy's theories are and how out of it Jeffrey's character acts. But there is an enjoyably ability to seeing this guy just slowly go off the edge. Also the narrative was well thought out and a lot of what we do see in The Muppets even though not used properly tried to use them but the potential was WASTED big time. BUT I personally would take this over certain family movies that claims it was "A Family Film" (Cut to cover of "Fish Tales" with James shouting "I WANT "MUPPETS FROM SPACE" OVER THAT!" before cutting back to the movie with James doing a voice over) Regardless I feel if you look at it as a satirical farce of Bad "Family Films" it works like that. But as a Muppets Movie yes it does fail but again that's why it feels like a good satirical farce. There could never be an amazing Muppet Movie without smart writing, original musical numbers and of course a focus ON The Muppets. So as far as I'm concerned this movie it's an amazing Satire starring the Muppets and I did enjoy it as the farce staring The Muppets. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And as far as I'm concerned Watching "Muppets From Space" is more entertaining than seeing a little over two hours of Keanu Reeves going (Sounding like Keanu Reeves saying Whoa! before going back to his normal voice). I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion! Wocka-Wocka!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
(Scene starts with James in his office with huge bags marked “U.S. Mail” and James feeling sad as Paulo walks into the office)
Paulo: Hey James
TLOTA: Oh hey Paulo.
Paulo: Got a lot of Fan mail?
TLOTA: Not really, most of this is for your sister. Me I’ve got the bomb threats, IEDs, tracker tags for assassins to find me and all sorts lovely hate mail mostly coming from Christy Romano and so many other women I had crushes on and hate my stinking guts and a daily load of Bills and some group that “Works for the betterment of the Government” ordering me to Shut Down Production. Like I’d do that and there’s quite a few requests saying “Why don’t you talk about a movie you like but no one else likes?” Plus with things so hectic I discovered one of Rowdy’s devices went on the fritz so I had to call my old friends Renee, John, Mike & Eric to send ORAC to help fix the problems including reversing the Polarity of The Neutron Flow to said Device.
Paulo: Renee, John, Mike & Eric?
TLOTA: Yeah, John Santos and his brother Mike and my old pal Eric Neil Kurtzke. When John found out I was going to resume production He and Mike wanted in and I figured if I was going to bring them in, I wanted to bring Eric into the mix. Renee, asked if I needed a little extra female power in my reviews and I said “The More the Merrier”.
Rebecca (Audio only): So how much Fan Mail did I get this month?
TLOTA: Another fifty bags and at least 95% of the letters are coming from guys begging you not to Marry Nick. (Rebecca walks into the office.)
Rebecca: I know what to do with them, Recycle them!
TLOTA: Nice, Act locally and Think Globally. (Rebecca looks through one of the letters and finding one.)
Rebecca: Hey James, this one guy has a good point about you reviewing a movie you like but no one else does.
TLOTA: Well which one do I pick?
Paulo: Well I know you said in your September Editorial that you might review “Willow” sometime soon, so why not now?
TLOTA: Not a bad idea Paulo. But first, HIT THE NEW INTRO!
Paulo: It’s not that new.
Rebecca: It’s just minimally re-edited.
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo on his right and Rebecca on his left doing the same pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Let’s talk about George Lucas. (Cut to pictures of George Lucas and the movies he made while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voice over): Yes he has made probably enough money to buy ALL OF ASIA and retire there from both The “Indiana Jones” & “Star Wars” franchises but believe it or not he has produced other movies outside of “Star Wars” & “Indiana Jones” like the recent “Red Tails”, the Jim Henson directed classic “Labyrinth”, “American Graffiti” “The Land Before Time” and of course (Show poster of “Howard The Duck”) Let’s pretend this movie never happened. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But the movie I want to talk about is one of my all time, without a shadow of a doubt, Grade A, Sword and Sorcery adventure. I am talking about, Of Course, “Willow” (Action theme from “Willow” plays in the background as the Willow title card from the trailer is seen then cutting to clips from the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): This is a movie that was Incredible from start to finish. Incredible acting, Incredible writing, the special effects were unbelievable in an incredible way and Incredible directing from Director Ron Howard. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA: As a matter of fact, it remains to Ron one of the best experiences he had as a director and he has done some really great movies since and he did a few good movies before and some of his movies are movies I really like such as “Cinderella Man” & “Splash” but let’s see what happens when the visionary directing of Ron Howard and the visionary idealism of George Lucas collide with “Willow” (Cut to movie with James doing a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with the birth of a baby with a special mark and Aww isn’t it the cutest little Deus Ex Machina. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: That is so cute. Hey Paulo, Rebecca take a look at the Deus Ex Machina. (Paulo comes in on James’ right and Rebecca comes around James’ office chair to be on James’ left to see the baby and all three aww then just make noises to make the baby smile then cut to a moment in which the baby smiles and then cutting to the three go aww. Before cutting back to the movie with James doing a voice over.)
TLOTA: However the mark on the child mean bad news for the evil Queen Bavmorda, played by Jean Marsh, who orders the child to be killed. However the midwife decides to sneak the baby out and float the baby ala Moses & Superman before a couple of the Queen’s demonic dog creatures kill the midwife. The baby floats down to a village of Nelwyns specifically to the backyard of the farmer Willow Ufgood played by the great Warwick Davis where he finds his kids having found the baby and what’s Willow’s first reaction when he sees the baby?
Willow: We’ll push it downstream and forget we ever saw it! (Cut to James, Rebecca and Paulo with their jaws on the table.)
TLOTA, Rebecca & Paulo (In Unison): ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
TLOTA: That is such BULLSHIT! I would never do that especially to a baby and I’m an uncle to three nieces!
Rebecca: Me neither, if I were in their position, I’d bring the right people in to help. (Muttering curse words in Spanish as she walks away with disgust towards the movie.)
Paulo: Yeah I’ve got to agree with my sister. I’d bring the child in then call the authorities to help make sure the kid is safe. (Muttering curse words in Spanish as he walks away with disgust towards the movie. Before cutting back to the movie with James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voice over): However an annoying ass of a Nelwyn named Burglekutt drops by to taunt Willow but after he leaves, the wife and kids decide to bring the baby back and welcome the baby to their home. The next day at a festival where Willow is performing as a magician. The High Aldwin played by Billy Barty is looking for an apprentice and Willow is amongst the prospective candidates but everything is thrown into chaos as Bavmorda’s Demonic Dog creatures come in search of the baby but thankfully the village warriors including the awesome Tony Cox and Phil Fondacaro put them down like Old Yeller! One of the warriors discover that it was after a baby. Willow after making sure his wife and the baby he found two days ago decides to finally tell the High Aldwin and the elders and The High Aldwin’s idea for the baby? To take it to the borders of their lands that links it to the lands of Daikinis which means normal people like myself in their universe and give it to the first one they come upon. (Cut to James’ office in which Paulo and Rebecca walk back in and hear the plan.)
Paulo: We’ve been overhearing you and we’re calling child services and foster care!
Rebecca: Because trust me anybody…ANYBODY would be a better caretaker to the child.
TLOTA: Do you think these two would do well as the baby’s guardian? (Show clip of Bella & Edward from “Breaking Dawn Part 2” holding on to the CGI baby before cutting back to James, Paulo & Rebecca)
Rebecca: Actually I was thinking maybe her. (Cut to a clip of Sgt. Olivia Benson taking care of Noah from “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” before cutting back to James, Paulo & Rebecca.)
TLOTA: Well in all fairness she would be a great mom and she deserves to be Noah’s parent. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): Meanwhile at Castle Death & Doom we find our Queen pissed off because they can’t find the baby and trust me when an evil Queen can’t find a baby it doesn’t end well. Ask Maleficent, she was searching for years! (Cut to Disney’s Animated “Sleeping Beauty”)
MALEFICENT: Did you hear that, my pet? All these years, they’ve been searching for a baby! (Followed by her laughing and then zapping all goons in a rage. Before cutting to James, Paulo & Rebecca ducking as a stray zap nearly incinerates the three and leaving a smoldered mark on the wall as the three see the wall behind James.)
TLOTA: It’ll wash off. I hope. Otherwise bye-bye security deposit! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice Over): So it’s up to General Kael played by Pat Roach to don what would’ve made Darth Vader look more like a Shao Khan Lookalike, The Queen’s Daughter Sorsha played by Joanne Whalley to find the child and you know The Queen means business when she smacks the hell out of her head General. (Show clip of Queen Bavmorda getting angry and smacking General Kael before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: Even at my worse I’d never treat my friends like that. (Paulo coughs off screen and cut to Paulo and Rebecca standing at the door frame.)
Paulo: Have you forgotten this? (Show clip of Rebecca & Paulo Fonseca looking a little more toasted from The “Duckman” review before cutting back to Paulo & Rebecca at the Door Frame.)
Rebecca: Then of course…. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Okay, I get it but you have to understand. You can’t badmouth someone you work for or work with it just makes things unpleasant everywhere and I like working with you guys and I hope you understand why reacted the way I did. (Cut to Paulo and Rebecca standing at the door frame.)
Paulo: Hey we understand.
Rebecca: Totally. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Cool, say don’t you guys have something to do? (Cut to Paulo and Rebecca standing at the door frame.)
Paulo: Oh yeah I’ve got to call ACS.
Rebecca: And I’ve got Foster Care on the other end of my phone. (Cut to The movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (voice over): Meanwhile Willow and the other Nelwyns find themselves at the border between their lands and the land of the Daikini where they meet Madmartigan played by Val Kilmer, The Ice Batman himself (Show an Image of George Clooney’s Batman and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze in mid battle and James saying “Not Going there.” Before cutting to the movie and continuing with the voice over.) Apparently someone saw “Bad Lieutenant Port Of Call New Orleans” and couldn’t get their hands on either Nicolas Cage or Werner Herzog so they found him instead to pay for that crime. Oh and get used to hearing everyone and I mean EVERYONE of the Daikini to say this to Willow. (Piano plays a jaunty tune in the background until the tune resembles “Camptown Ladies Sing This Song” to every use of everyone saying “Peck” in Willow before cutting back to the movie with James doing a voice over.) So rather give the baby to Madmartigan, Willow sees a troop of Daikini come their way being led by Airk played Gavan O’Herlihy a.k.a. Brad from “Superman III” and what do they do? Tell Willow to piss off because they’ve got a fight with Queen Bavmorda to pick. So with no other choice, Willow decides to let Madmartigan out of his cage and give the baby to him. Heaven help the baby! (Cut to Paulo and Rebecca at the doorway.)
Paulo: Not to worry I got this detective from Manhattan he’s on his way.
Rebecca: And he also has a few hundred S.W.A.T. teams and all members of the United States Military Services to protect the baby. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Isn’t that overkill? (Cut to Paulo and Rebecca at the doorway)
Paulo: If it were your nieces wouldn’t you bring in everyone you could to save them? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: That’s true. (Cut to the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): As Willow and his friend make it back to the Nelwyn Village, Brownies kidnap both the Baby, Willow and his friend.
Paulo (Voice over): We’re trying to get the police there quicker!
TLOTA (Voice over): Don’t worry the Baby is safe as we discover her name being Elora Danan by Cherlindrea, the queen of the fairies who charges Willow to find Fin Raziel and help Elora finish off Bavmorda. So while he does so begrudgingly in the beginning, he is aided by two Brownies played by Rick Overton and ….WAIT A SECOND? (Needle Scratches) Kevin Pollak?! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: That has to be the most surprising bit of casting since seeing Tom Baker in “The Day Of The Doctor”! I am dead serious about what I just said and I know Tom was the fourth doctor on “Doctor Who” but who knows maybe these two will add levity to the situation. (Cut to every clip of the two arguing or being annoying before cutting back to James throwing his hands in the air and shouting “NEVERMIND!” and cutting to the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): So as Willow finds a bar he discovers Madmartigan having been the cause of some shenanigans and pisses off a big dude named Llug leading to a really kick ass chase/fight scene and to the credit of the stunt people, the effects people and everyone involved in that sequence because this was amazing! Soon enough Madmartigan takes Willow to help him find Raziel, Willow discovers Fin Raziel has become a marsupial! (Show Fin Raziel as a talking marsupial before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: I’m going to take a break to wonder if I had taken anything and see if it has kicked in and also wonder why I have a pain in my right boot.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): So as Willow and Razel find their way back to Madmartigan, they’re met with an unwelcome surprise. Kael, Sorsha and their soldiers. After being captured Razel tries to teach Willow how to turn her back into human form buuuuuuut…. (Raziel becomes a Blackbird and “The Price Is Right” Losing Horn is played and a stamp is placed over Willow’s face as the word “FAIL” is stamped on his disappointed face as the song ends and James continues with the voice over.) Madmartigan gets every one of them out but after getting hit with a love spell confesses he has feelings for Sorsha! (Brownies slap themselves in the face, Willow Slaps himself in the face cut to James, Paulo & Rebecca slapping themselves in the forehead, cut to everyone at Manic Expression slapping themselves in the forehead and even God slaps himself in the forehead before cutting back to the movie and James continuing the voice over.) Kael finds Willow trying to nab the baby and running but Madmartigan shows off his bad ass skills as a swordsman and the trio try to escape with the power of COOL RUNNINGS! (Show the three on a shield on a snow ride and the trio looking to the left to see James dressed as Mario and Paulo dressed as Luigi on a snow ride on Mario Kart Wii sled but sounding like the Mario and Luigi from “The Super Mario Brothers Super Show”.)
Mario: Hey Pisanos going our way?
Luigi: Hey hey Mario, you better be watching where we go because we’re about to go cave diving and they’re about to fly off a cliff! (Cut to see Willow, Elora and Madmartigan flying off a cliff and landing safely then cut to Mario and Luigi and The Jamaican Bobsled team hit the cave first then a loud crash is heard and the scene of tunnel shake and Audio from Cool Runnings is heard.)
Derice Bannock: Sanka, ya dead?
Sanka Coffie: Yeah mon!
Derice Bannock: Good, You can pee now.
Sanka Coffie: Um, Too late. (Cut to the movie as James continues the voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): Madmartigan ejects himself off the sled as Willow and Elora are (Show Elora and Willow slam into a house and cut to James physically)
TLOTA: SAFE! AT HOME! Wait what about Madmartigan? (Cut to see Willow freak out to see a gigantic snow roll with Madmartigan in the center in it and Willow slams the door as the Gigantic snow roll comes his way as we cut to James physically)
TLOTA: SHIT! PISS! AND CORRUPTION! IT’S THE STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN’S MIDDLE FINGER! (Paulo and Rebecca come in and look and cut to the gigantic snow roll before cutting back to the three and the three yell “RIGHT!”)
TLOTA: RUN AWAY! (Audio cuts to Monty Python and The Holy Grail as King Arthur and the Knights shout RUN AWAY! As the three run like hell out of the office and as the gigantic snow roll continues to come to Willow and as the “Aargh” of one of the Knights running away is heard the snow roll slams into the front next to the door where Willow is hiding before James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): Eventually the three while still in the village at the bottom of the mountain find Airk and what’s left of his troops hiding beneath a house hiding but soon after decide to get to the kingdom of Tir Asleen to keep Elora Danan safe from Queen Bavmorda. While Airk is like “Huh, Your funeral”. Eventually they make it but something is off. Could it be that the people are encased in Ice Crystals? Which of course gives me the right to use this clip! (Cut to “Suburban Commando” in which Christopher Lloyd’s character shouts “I WAS FROZEN TODAY!” before returning to the movie while James does the voice over.) With no one to help, Madmartigan decides to go “Home Alone” on Queen Bavmorda’s troops. Meanwhile Willow tries to make Raziel Human again but….
Fin Raziel (Bleating while talking because she is a goat): Greaaat Worrrk Maaaadmarrrrtigaaan!
Madmartigan: What happened to you? (Cut to a still image of Fin Razel as a goat while James does her voice.)
TLOTA (Voice over sounding like goat Fin Raziel) Taake a wiiilld guess Braainiaac! (Cut back to the movie while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): Adding to the enemies outside the gate apparently there are trolls that look and act like demented apes and if you attack them with Magic it turns them into a…. a…..(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: What the hell is that thing? (Cut to Paulo at the doorway)
Paulo: I think you might want to try this out. I worked on it in my spare time. Between being here and working my 9 to 5 job. (Paulo walks over to James and hands James what looks like a Nintendo 3DS XL)
TLOTA: It looks like a 3DS XL.
Paulo: It’s not. ORAC helped me out with the technical aspects. (James scans the image and a ding is heard.)
TLOTA: According to this it’s called an Eborsisk. What?
Paulo: Eborsisk, Eborsisk, Eborsisk. It’s a cheap shot at two people who are no longer with us.
TLOTA: Not the late great Roger Ebert & Gene Siskel? (A ding is heard) Well I’ll be damned, according to this, it is exactly that. Some people just can’t take criticism. (James and Paulo just nod their heads to the left and right before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): So the Queen’s troops and Madmartigan temporarily align with each other and eighty-six the Eborsisk but after that Sorsha and Madmartigan actually hook up to take on Kael and the Queen’s troops and after discovering that Kael finds Willow beats him like a dog and takes Elora and Airk decides if the Queen’s soldiers are at Tir Asleen, Hell let’s join Madmartigan to wipe them off the face of the earth. So with Madmartigan, Airk, Willow and Sorsha on the same side and an army find their way to Queen Bavmorda demanding the return of the child when this happens and trust me when I say, if this scared the poop out of you as a kid and continues to do so as an adult, you’re not alone on that front.
Queen Bavmorda: You have come to challenge me! You’re not warriors. You’re….PIGS! (Chants a spell that causes Madmartigan to fall down on all fours and start to turn him into a pig) You’re All PIGS! (All of the soldiers fall in pain and turn into pigs as Bavmorda shouts “PIGS” and they all eventually turn into pigs before cutting to James physically and him signaling with a scared shitless look on his face mouthing “One Moment” before he gets up and cuts to the lobby in which Rebecca and Paulo see the look on James’ face.)
Paulo: FREEZE IT!
Rebecca: Last time you were scared that badly we couldn’t use the bathroom for weeks in here, so we got a port-a-potty for such an occasion.
TLOTA: WELL HURRY UP AND TAKE ME TO IT! (Cut to the rear outside of the office in which James’ port-a-potty awaits him and James says “Thanks guys” before James locks the door behind him as Paulo and Rebecca stand outside waiting as James shouts “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”And Diuretic sounds are heard before cutting to a black background and the words “One Hour Later” in white then cutting to the port-a-potty where James is still screaming and Paulo and Rebecca are still standing outside and Diuretic sounds are heard. Before cutting to a black background and the words “Several Hours Later” in white then cutting to the port-a-potty where James is still screaming and Paulo and Rebecca are still standing outside and Diuretic sounds are heard for five seconds more before James Emerges.)
Paulo: You okay?
TLOTA: Fine enough to finish the review.
Rebecca: Good for you. (The three walk back after James puts an “OUT OF ORDER” sign on the Port-A-Potty before cutting back to the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): So after making every last soldier no longer Kosher. Willow decides to muster up the courage to finally make Fin Raziel human again. (Cut to Willow chanting the spell and turning Fin Raziel into every animal possible before cutting to James physically saying “You’re almost there” every few animals before coming to the tiger and scene cuts to James saying “I don’t think her body can take anymore, You’d better stop soon or else…” a loud explosion is heard and splat of a blue colored clear slime lands on James’ shirt.)
TLOTA: Thanks heaps Willow, you turned Fin Raziel into an exploding ball of slime and I got hit with it! Elora Danan is history, great job. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): Actually she does return to her human form and reverses the damage done by Bavmorda. As Bavmorda prepares to send Elora Danan to a hell dimension, Willow comes up with the idea to have her forces come to them and take them out as Fin, Sorsha and Willow save Elora Danan and get rid of Bavmorda once and for all. In the middle of the battle Airk and Kael go at it and Airk gets the short end of the sword. (Show Madmartigan be with Airk as he dies and then cut to James physically.)
TLOTA: Well at least he died with dignity. You should’ve seen how he met his end in “Superman III” (Show clip of Brad being comically thrown out of Lana’s apartment before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): Meanwhile our three get to Bavmorda and Sorsha immediately gets knocked out of commission. So Fin Raziel and fight it out a bit as Madmartigan and Kael duke it out and Madmartigan ends Kael once and for all. Meanwhile Willow tries to grab the baby and get out of Dodge when an altar attacks Willow. Not kidding on this. Eventually Raziel is unconscious and it’s up to Willow to beat Queen Bavmorda on his own and after making Elora Danan disappear Queen Bavmorda was done in by her own dark powers. But what happened to Elora?
Willow: It was my old disappearing Pig Trick! (Everyone laughs with joy as Willow holds Elora Danan and the booming voice of Doug Walker says “Elora Danan shall live” before cutting to James screeching in joy and raising her hands in joy before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): After some time for a furlough at Tir Asleen, Willow heads back to his village and shows what voodoo he can do! (Willow throws a rock into the air)
Nelwyn: A bird! He turned it into a bird! (Cut to Burglekutt getting a mouth of Bird Poop and everyone laughing and the village celebrating before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: So that’s “Willow”! It was amazing when I was a kid and it remains that way today. (Cut to clips of the movie with the music from the opening credits while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): And to be honest, a lot of it came from the fact that everyone’s efforts didn’t go unnoticed and I mean everyone’s efforts. The writer’s efforts, the cast's efforts, the director’s efforts, the effects houses efforts, the production efforts, all that effort went into a movie that I’d personally recommend for everyone ages 7 to 700 and it’s a reason George Lucas shouldn’t be fully absolved of the abomination that was Jar-Jar Binks but should get a pass for “Crystal Skull”… Almost. (Cut to James physically as a voice from out of nowhere says “YOU STUPID FAT DAIKINI!” with James looking around until he looks down and towards his right to see Rool played by John Santos and Franjean by Paulo Fonseca)
Rool: You completely overlooked us!
Franjean: Rool, you fool he did mention us at least twice!
Rool: But not by name! Besides he overlooked had it not been for us Willow would’ve been Ebersisk chow! In fact the movie should’ve been about us!
TLOTA: Well I know what you deserve!
Franjean: Really what is that?
TLOTA: THIS! (James picks up his right foot and slams it onto Rool and Franjean as they scream in pain.) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans And That’s my opinion!
Rool (Sounding hurt audio only): And you’re a stupid fat Daikini! (James slams his right foot down and a final yelp of pain is heard. Before cutting to James in the lobby when he hears a buzzing coming from his creature definer)
TLOTA: Hey Paulo, does this thing have a communication device in it? (Cut to Paulo just about to leave)
Paulo: Yeah. (Cut to James on the couch in the lobby)
TLOTA: Cool, I’ll see you and Rebecca in May for the Fox Kids Crossover with Rowdy? (Cut to Paulo just about to leave)
Paulo: Sure thing. (Cut to James pulling out his creature definer)
TLOTA: Go for James
ORAC (Audio only): The Interdimensional Portal will be repaired within Two weeks. Reversing the damage from portal will take longer.
TLOTA: Well not too much longer ORAC, I need everybody back in the fold by May
ORAC (Audio only): Understood. Also after this call ends Lea Michele will be on the line.
TLOTA: Understood. (James closes his Creature Definer as it buzzes after it closes and James opens it up again.) Go For James. (Cut to Lea in her trailer at “Scream Queens”)
Lea Michele: Hey James, did you enjoy the last season of the show? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Absolutely, However that whole Hypnotism storyline I think didn’t turn out the way the writers hoped it would. (Cut to Lea)
Lea Michele: How is that? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Well my dad watched when Sam got hypnotized and for the whole of the weekend, he thought he was a chicken! (Cut to Lea)
Lea Michele: Are you kidding? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Wish I were! (Cut to Lea laughing her butt off)
Lea Michele: Oh God, it’s gonna be awkward May 2nd. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: I already talked to my dad, he’s not as upset with you as he is with me and trust me I’ve been hearing it forever. But I hope to see you for the entire week before then. Maybe you can help with the prep work with my brother and me. (Cut to Lea)
Lea Michele: That’d be nice to get to help make food for everyone you’re going to call family. Oh speaking of people you call family, there is a check with your uncle’s name on it from everyone from “GLEE” and “Scream Queens” coming his way. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Cool, I appreciate it and I know he will to. So, I’ll see you around the Twenty Eighth. (Cut to Lea)
Lea Michele: Absolutely, I’ll see you there and I love you. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Absolutely, Can’t wait to see you here and I love you too. Bye. (Cut to Lea)
Lea Michele: Bye James. (Lea shuts off her laptop as the camera pulls back to see her being held at gunpoint by a Government agent played by Eric Kurtzke)
Government Agent: We couldn’t trace the signal back. You do realize what this means for you Miss Michele.
Lea Michele: Listen, I don’t know what’s in your green juice but I will never betray the man I love.
Government Agent: Even though his kind are a threat to your existence.
Lea Michele: You jackanape, all he does is make people laugh with his thoughts on movies. If you don’t like what he has to say, feel free to let him know. Why do you think he ends his reviews with “And That’s My Opinion” because it is his opinion and he has a section defending movies entitled “In Defense Of…” As a matter of fact he’s going to defend a Muppet movie people didn’t like later on this month. You don’t agree with what he has to say, let him know, he’s reasonable. But if you don’t care to be reasonable (Lea Pulls out her Sonic Screwdriver and shatters the Government Agent’s gun in his hand and makes a run for it as she locks the Government Agent in her trailer and runs for her life as The Government Agent phases through the door.)
Government Agent: Well, if you aren’t willing to work with us of your own volition, You shall be our pawn!