Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Affleck and The Worst Movie Ever Made!

Hey guys James here, I wanted to let everyone know that the humor this time around isn't for those under the age of eighteen. I get very disturbingly out there and trust me when I say that viewers discretion is highly, HIGHLY advised!


(James fades to black as Scene cuts to James in the Kitchen and trying to turn on the Keurig hot water device with a Hot Cocoa single serve packet in the device and James looking disheveled and missing the button to turn on the device missing as Paulo Fonseca walks in.)

Paulo: Hey James how are you doing today? Lea called she is concerned about you and wants to know the plans you and her have on the fourteenth? (James turns and growls like Wolverine and slams Paulo onto the fridge and James has Paulo by the throat.)

TLOTA (Sounding like he’s foaming at the mouth): DON’T MENTION THAT DAY! BESIDES I’VE SEEN THE WORST THING I’VE EVER HAD TO SEE! IT WAS SO BAD THAT I HAVE YET TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF IT AND I’M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!

Paulo (Off-Screen): James? (James turns to see Paulo & Rebecca looking in the doorway looking at James in the Kitchen.)

Rebecca: Are you okay? (Cut to James having his hands cupped on the door of the refrigerator with his eyes shifting to the doorway and back to in front of him three times.)

TLOTA: You wouldn’t happen to have a tranquilizer that could take down thirty ton Rhino would ya?

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

(Scene changes to James pacing back & forth in his office and then looking at his audience and pressing a button showing quotes from actual movie critics ranging from The Late Great Roger Ebert to Leonard Martin and quotes from people who saw the movie about the movie in question.)

TLOTA: DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE? But since you’re here I guess I can try because to review something THIS horrendous but what can be said. You cannot laugh at a bad joke so many times. You cannot say “That stereotype is insulting” so many times before it loses meaning. So instead of looking at this as a movie, I am instead going to look at this as a Cinematic Suicide Bomber! Something that wants to, feels the need to and deserves to die and take EEEEVERYBODY with it! That way when I find the people who green-lit, produced, wrote & directed this pile of garbage I will feel NO remorse when I pummel them to death with their own intestines! With that said, “Gigli” (Show title scene of “Gigli” and few clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And there is a reason why this is the movie “Film Brain” has not & probably will never review this ungodly abomination because it is unredeemable. How Affleck had a career after this? I’ll never know but after watching this any career killed by being in a Shia LaBeouf film I’ll never complain about again unless that is the career of the actor was really, really so bad it had be killed by being in a movie starring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: But if you really…REALLY…REEAALLY WANT TO SEE ME REVIEW THIS PILE OF TOXIC WASTE! THIS IS “GIGLI”! SHOOT ME NOW! (A pair of hands holding a gun at James’ right side of the head when the image cut backs to see Rebecca ready to put a bullet into James’ head) HEY Whoa Rebecca! What the hell?

Rebecca: I’m here to put you down like Old Yeller!

TLOTA: Rebecca, I know I shouldn’t say this because this is coming a few days after the anniversary of someone I could call an equal having tried to eat a gun but it was a joke and seeing as how I just said that I am now forced by Internet reviewer union mandate to use this! (Show clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker as he shouts at Harley Quinn “IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THERE IS NO JOKE!” before cutting back to James & Rebecca) There, YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!

Rebecca: Sorry but if you had the choice between reviewing “Gigli” and being out of your misery which would you choose?

TLOTA: Good point but I still have to review it.

Rebecca: Okay (Rebecca walks off screen as the movie begins and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our thing begins with our “hero” Larry Gigli played by Affleck talking to the audience and right now I’m two milliseconds into this movie and I hate this thing already. That HAS to be a record! But I digress Larry is ordered by his boss to help a New York Gangster played by PACINO?! ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR AL PACINO IS IN THIS TURKEY?!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Un-FUCKING-believable! That just blows my mind about as much as someone trying to slice my head off while looking like one of the members of the Teen Titans! Okay Rebecca if this becomes a running gag in this review I swear to God… (Image cuts back to see Paulo Fonseca dressed as Robin holding The Sword Of Caliverti over his head.) Paulo?

Paulo: Yeah

TLOTA: Why are you dressed as Robin and holding The Sword Of Caliverti?

Paulo: Well, uh you see um… Look over there Lea Michele left her Valentine’s Day present to you in the corner.

TLOTA: Huh? (James turns to the corner as Paulo runs for his life as scene cuts to the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah after knowing that Pacino being in “Jack & Jill” is actually a step up after knowing he’s in this vat of Toxic Waste. Gigli’s boss orders him to get a brother to a federal prosecutor as when he gets there it’s discovered…Oh God No! (Show The Federal Prosecutor’s brother who happens to be mentally handicapped before cutting back to James taking off his glasses, moving the office chair out of frame and proceeds to bang his head on the wall behind him for fifteen seconds before returning to the movie and James doing the voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah not content with insulting the regular human race this movie dares to insult the mentally handicapped. DIE MOVIE SCUM DIE! But thankfully the Prosecutor’s brother doesn’t like Gigli as far as he can throw him and Affleck's boss has no faith in him! I WONDER WHY?! So what does Affleck’s boss do he hires help in the form of Ricki played by Jennifer Lopez to help do whatever it takes to help Gigli. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So what is the chance of the two hooking up by the end of this? (Show pic of the two as the word “Lesbian” is under Jennifer Lopez and “Assface” is under Ben Affleck’s face before cutting back to James and his shaking head going slightly up and down.) OKAY, I’m just going to get something! (James walks off and comes back two seconds later with a bottle of Tequila and Coca-Cola.) I don’t normally drink anything this hard but after hearing what their characters were I’ve got no other choice. DOWN THE HATCH BOTH GO! VIVA TEQUILA Y COKA! (James then proceeds to down both drinks before getting back to the movie with James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): So yeah they get the poor guy and hit the road and at one stop we meet a detective played by Christopher Walken. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well that’s awesome all they have to do to save this movie is to scrap the other characters and plots and focus on him especially after this scene. (Cut to “PIE” scene before cutting back to James physically.) Oh just the idea of Walken being Walken for two hours would be more entertaining. (Cut back to the movie with James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): However we don’t get that. We’re stuck with… (“Bull & Cow Scene” is seen)

Gigli: Lemme tell you something, in every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright?

Gigli: [Points to self] Bull. [Points to Ricki] Cow. You got that?

Ricki: Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow. (Cut to James sarcastically laughing until it looks like he is losing his mind and walks out of the office. Cut to Black background and in white text is written FIVE HOURS LATER then cut to James walking into the office covered in blood and emptying a satchel filled with weapons and laughing less strongly as he empties the satchel before regaining some semblance of sanity seeing Paulo & Rebecca on the couch looking at him with a disturbed look on his face.)

TLOTA: Hey guys what’s with the disturbed look on your faces? Am I covered in blood…AGAIN? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca nodding yes before cutting back to James) How bad? (Cut to television screen with Carey Denise Moore portraying a news reporter.)

News Reporter: And in some bizarre news Internet entertainer James Faraci who also goes by the alias “The Last Of The Americans” is wanted for questioning in the murders of a group of men who think Domestic Abuse and Rape are actually a good thing. Here now is the footage! (Cut to backroom filled with idiots being played by Mark Salling, Darren Criss, Chord Overstreet, Jonathan Groff & Matthew Morrison)

Idiot (Darren): So my girl overcooks my steak and I gave her a love tap. Sure it left a little bruise but nothing to notice and I hear the police at my door saying I beat her.

Idiot (Mark): Hey you did NOTHING wrong. Your woman got out of line and you corrected the bitch.

Idiot (Chord): Exactly the problem I had except she said I “Raped” her. She wanted it.

Idiot (Groff): Which is why we should go to Washington and I say we get these laws about “RESPECTING WOMEN” repealed so we get what we want.

Idiot (Matthew): Because women are what?

All idiots together: Worthless

Idiot (Matthew): So how do we handle them?

All idiots together: CORRECT THE BITCHES! (Door busts open and James is laughing insanely before cutting to James, Paulo & Rebecca reacting to the painful screams and cries for mercy as the idiots are mercilessly killed the idiot played by Matthew Morrison is screaming “ARGH! I’m going in ass first into a meat grinder!” and the idiot played by Chord Overstreet screams “Don’t drop my beautiful and valuable face into the deep fryer!” before a muted scream of pain is heard as James continues to laugh insanely.)

TLOTA: I may have to plead insanity to get out of this one.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro)

(Scene starts with James in his bedroom)

James Faraci: Hey guys James here, I just wanted to say that whole me killing the Rapist and Domestically Abusive men group thing was just fictional. I believe in our judicial system and they will do what is right and there are charities that help those who have been violated by those assholes and you can help. Log on to Patreon and go here: www.patreon.com/RowdyCProductions  and a portion of your funds will go to help the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network which you can go to here: www.rainn.org/support-rainn to help out the organization outright and one charity that helps Rape & Domestic Violence victims is the Joyful Heart Foundation and you can support The Joyful Heart Foundation by going here: http://joyfulheartfoundation.org/ and donate anything you can to help there so again none of what happened was real, it was pure fiction and if I were to do something that bad in real life, I’d be arrested for multiple murder and here’s hoping you enjoy the rest of the review.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return from commercial break as James is on the phone with his lawyer.)

TLOTA: Okay, okay so I do 500 hours community service and pay a fine and plead guilty to a lesser charge and in one year it’ll be expunged from my record. Excellent. (James shuts off his phone and looks at his audience) So I may have gotten away with something no one should do and I am lucky. But I watched Gigli and somehow that was a credible defense for temporary insanity. Who knew? (Cut to the movie as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that this study on the waste of having hope in humanity continues as Ricki’s partner decided she’s rather better off being dead than being in this thing and slits her wrists. At the hospital Gigli decides to take a thumb off a corpse. Why? Does anyone sane or sober give a damn at this point? I just want this thing over with! So Pacino comes in and is pissed because he didn’t approve of any of this crap, something I can relate to and Ricki just tries to gives him hell and They drop off the poor schmuck to where “Baywatch” is because he’s freaking obsessed with Baywatch and Gigli decides to give his car to Ricki as the guy eventually is returned to the nut house so he doesn’t hurt anyone and oh just end already. (Show ending scene before using that same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Affleck & Lopez worked on “Jersey Girl” and most of their stuff together ended on the cutting room floor.” “Ben Affleck thanks his lucky stars for having a career after this.” “Paulo & Rebecca was able to help James throughout his 500 hours community service”, “Film Brain eventually reviewed this movie as a crossover with “The Blockbuster Buster” both have been committed and will hopefully return to normal civilization soon.” “James used “Gigli” as a weapon to be used to torment Kim-Jong Un to the point he committed Ja Sai.” Then clips from “Gigli” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “And for good reason. Everything about “Gigli” is wrong and given that James has seen some BAD movies and reviewed some of them so far at least he saw something redemptive in them any little element.” “This has nothing redeeming about it. NOTHING AT ALL! The cast, writing, editing, production, music & direction everything is non redemptive!”” “May “Gigli” BARK IN HELL!” before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and there’s one more movie to go! Heaven help me if it’s worse than Gigli!