(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Currently I am in the midst of moving into my new office space to work on sketches, reviews and editorials while I was getting stuff in one day an interdimentional portal opened up and a copy of Nicholas Cage's "The Wicker Man" came zooming out and I took one in the mid-section when it came my way as I took the time to sit and watch it. I liked it but not enough to review it nor did I hate it so much I wanted both Nicholas Cage and Neil LaBute burn in a pit of Lava. It for me is a guilty pleasure as much as watching Power Rangers or watching "Batman & Robin". But why do people feel guilty watching something that other people don't like? (Cut to footage of movies & TV Series that are considered guilty pleasures while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (V.O.): Is it because we should know better than to watch a Michael Bay film or one of the movies in "The Twilight Saga" or say watch a classic episode of either "Charlie's Angels" or "Boy Meets World" or "The Dukes Of Hazzard" or watching say "Girl Meets World" or is it maybe the fact we shouldn't be watching them at all. Maybe that's the point of Guilty Pleasures, they exist because even though we shouldn't watch them, we do because deep inside of us somewhere we find something enjoyable and maybe that is what is at the core at a guilty pleasure and trust me when I say as someone who has more than his fair share of Guilty Pleasures I can tell you now there's a reason I like what I like. Does that mean I'll like something either a relative or a friend considers one of their guilty pleasures let's say it's a toss up. If I find myself quietly enjoying "The Frisco Kid" doesn't mean someone I'll invite someone I know will want watch it with me. But as long as I enjoy what I enjoy I don't consider what watch true "Guilty Pleasures" I just know I'm enjoying something good. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got more to move into the office space and (sound of DVD dropping out of nowhere and James walks to pick it up to see it's a DVD of "Willow") Wow, this is one movie that I Wholly consider an entertaining guilty pleasure, maybe I might do a review of it next year. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
(Musical cue from the Nostalgia Critic’s review of “The Cat In The Hat” from when he stepped away from the review and looked at the sunset on a hill plays as James sits on the bench as Rowdy pops in via Jeannie blink next to him.)
Rowdy: Hey James.
TLOTA: Hey Rowdy.
Rowdy: You look like you’ve been here a while, so food for thought?
TLOTA: 2014 has been chaotic to say the least for the two of us.
Rowdy: I hear ya. I let “The Murk” get to me, I mean I got so bad that I wanted to get rid of all the color in the world. But how did that figure into the plans of The Wicked?
TLOTA: Well, if the color in the world was gone for good and all there was left misery & sorrow they would’ve looked at anyone who could return the color even false Profits like “The Wicked”. Then of course our big event. But the one that haunts me is the fact that we buried one of our own and now once I come off this hillside, I’m going to review a movie that got turned into a porno sitcom by Charlie Sheen that is so tasteless and so god awful it might drive you into a place where you might do something worse because people will be wondering when you’re going to review that porno sitcom and I can’t live with knowing I drove you to that point on my conscience Maybe I should review something else, something that won’t drive you to that point.
Rowdy: James, I appreciate that you care about me that much and I know that 2014 has been rough for everyone but, I will have to eventually review that porno sitcom on TV Trash. Will I make comparisons to the movie? Yes. Why? Because it was slightly better but not by that much and truth be told, I haven’t seen either the movie or the series. But when I do, I hopefully will have the wherewithal to withstand that garbage. Does it make you feel a little better?
TLOTA: Well, enough to do the review. The other obvious problem I’m going to have is the idiot fringe that is the “Happy Madison” audience and we’re going to have to do something extreme to keep them at bay, you especially.
Rowdy: I know. Come on, let’s review an Adam Sandler “Happy Madison” movie.
TLOTA: Okay. (The two walk off the hill and music ends as scene cuts to outside of James’ Bathroom door as Diuretic sounds are heard, Rowdy having polished off a bottle of laxative and James steps out of the bathroom clean shaven.)
Rowdy: You feel better?
TLOTA: Much, You may need a gas mask when you go in there.
Rowdy: Tell me again why we’re evacuating our bowels and not flushing.
TLOTA: New York has the highest concentration of “Happy Madison” audience in the United States with California being second by getting the largest pile of deuce in one place we can collect the biggest amount of that idiot fringe and we can be rid of them once and for all. Good luck in there. (Rowdy goes in and a muffled scream of “YEOW! THAT IS THE WORST SMELLING CRAP I’VE EVER SMELLED! THIS GUY SHOULDN’T BE CALLING HIMSELF “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” HE SHOULD BE CALLING HIMSELF “BIOLOGICAL WARFARE” while diuretic sounds are heard and Rowdy steps out of the bathroom and James waits at the door.)
TLOTA: I overheard what you yelled in there and before I forget, this is my future brother in law (James shows a picture of his future brother in law Adam with a knit frog hat and looking goofy) If he is in there, we’re going to have to go in and save him otherwise my sister will string me up by my man marbles and whack me like a piñata then mount my head on her mantelpiece. So open the door and invite them in. (Rowdy walks to the door and puts a bullhorn into his mouth.)
Rowdy: Attention “Happy Madison” audience there is poop in the toilet at the residence of James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. (Camera cuts to the POV from the inside view of the front door only showing the cars parked and an empty street before cutting to James and Rowdy looking out the front door.)
TLOTA: Hmm, that’s odd, they should be here like gangbusters.
Rowdy: Wonder what’s keeping them?
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
(Scene cuts to James & Rowdy waiting patiently as Rowdy plays with a yo-yo and James sits and spins in an office chair.)
TLOTA: Well, we’ve got time on our hands so let’s do the review, want to help me out?
Rowdy: I’m helping out enough.
TLOTA: Understandable, I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours. (Cut to James doing a voice over multiple pictures of Adam Sandler.)
TLOTA (Voice over): Believe it or not there was a brief, BRIEF period of my time where I liked Adam Sandler and his movies. He was shedding that man-boy persona that is an insult to all men in favor of being an actual adult. In fact I insulted a guy on a youtube video from a clip of the series “Bar Rescue” who went by a DJ Persona calling himself “DJ Blue Steel” and his catch phrase “I’m All In” and that HE was a bad impression and the nimrod took my insult about him as a compliment. (Cut to James & Rowdy)
Rowdy: Sounds like he is a part of that idiot fringe of the “Happy Madison” Audience.
TLOTA: You better believe it bub. And before I went on a tangent the point I was making was that out of all those movies in that brief period, this was my favorite, “Anger Management”
(Show Opening credit of Anger Management and “Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown” by The Rolling Stones play over the clips from the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): And it isn’t for Adam Sandler, it isn’t the fact that Jack Nicholson does a great piece of comedic work in this movie. It’s for the fact that the humor is spot on, the story is solid and characters are so interesting and everything is just great. (Cut to James & Rowdy.)
Rowdy: Something great from Adam Sandler & Happy Madison, I’ll believe it when I see it.
TLOTA: Well, you’re about to see it. This is “Anger Management”. (Cut to the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So our movie begins in the one place where it is the most romanticized and despised time in all our lives. (Cut to Kickassia clip of Spoony saying “The Past” then cuts back to James doing the voice over the movie.)
TLOTA (V.O.): We meet a young Davey Buznik saying how much he wants to be with a girl names Sarah Plowman when the local bully with a sister who got locked up in the cuckoo hut pants the poor guy.
Rowdy (V.O.): Do I feel sorry for the poor schmuck, I hope he doesn’t end up being something bad.
TLOTA (V.O.): We cut to present day where Dave Buznik has become Adam Sandler.
Rowdy (V.O.): Wow is Dave fracked.
TLOTA (V.O.): Shut up! Dave is an office drone making cat clothes for fat cats with a boss who sees him as someone to treat like dirt and makes him feel insignificant at every turn played by Kurt Fuller AKA that Douchebag assistant to the Mayor in “Ghostbusters 2”. But on the plus side he has a superhot girlfriend named Linda played by Academy Award Winner Marissa Tomei. On a flight to Chicago to work on a business deal he is seated next to Dr. Buddy Rydell played by Acting legend and mostly Bulletproof Actor Jack Nicholson. (Cut to James & Rowdy Physically.)
Rowdy: What do you mean mostly Bulletproof?
TLOTA: Did you ever see “The Missouri Breaks”? I swear everyone was on Peyote when they made that one. (Cut to the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Jack is being abrasive & loud but knowing him, he was being Jack.
Dr. Rydell: What are your thoughts on Breast Implants?
TLOTA (V.O.): And apparently everyone else was on the same thing Jack was because outside of Dave for no reason people go nuts because of some airborne toxin that makes people crazy and the U.S. Air Marshall Tasers Dave and a Judge played by the Late Lynne Thigpen sentences Dave to an Anger Management course where of course Dr. Buddy Rydell and a slew of crazies including a Puerto Rican named Lou played by Luis Guzman, A sports enthusiast named Nate, A pair of Porn Stars played by oddly enough January Jones before her name making role in “Mad Men” & Krista Allen and John Turturro as….well John Turturro. During his first session Dave thoroughly sees that the nuts run the wacky shack as Nate tries to stay calm but…
Nate: YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! (Cut to James & Rowdy physically)
Rowdy: Huh, Sounds like me in the middle of a Mavericks’ game. (Cut back to video as James does a voice over.)
Dr. Rydell: Nate, Nate, Nate! Listen to me! Listen to me, Goosfraba!
TLOTA (V.O.): So surprisingly with one phrase which Dr. Rydell learned from Eskimos Dr. Rydell and by extension everyone in that course uses to keep calm and it works!
Rowdy (V.O.): Are you kidding me?
TLOTA (V.O.): Remember last year? (Show clip from “The Mighty Crusade” as James calms Rowdy with the “Goosfraba” method then cut back to James & Rowdy physically.)
Rowdy: Oh yeah, forgot.
TLOTA: Happens. (Cut back to video as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So after the class Dr. Rydell decides to help Dave by partnering him up with John Turturro in case one of them needs some help with their Anger. After that we meet Andrew who is Linda’s ex and as Dave & Andrew use the urinals…well let’s say Tommy Lee is probably still longer than Andrew. Later on as Dave & Linda are going to have a nice quiet late night session of well as John Turturro said it best in this thing.(Show clip of John Turturro talking to Dave and saying “Give you the old Licky-Licky then fry your banana!” before cutting back to James doing a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): John Turturro comes by and does what John Turturro does best.
John Turturro: You come down here before the Black Wolf swallows my brain! (Screams loudly.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So either having the option to have the cops come and drag both Dave & John Turturro into a cell or not. Dave decides to take the crazy guy for a drink where John Turturro starts a brawl with a bald guy and a blind man which ends up with Dave accidentally hits a waitress and winds up back in court.
Rowdy (V.O.): Wait a second! Why didn’t John Turturro get arrested? Didn’t he start this crap and didn’t Dave try to defuse the situation.
TLOTA (V.O.): Rowdy, this is a “Happy Madison” movie with Adam Sandler acting in it, every little thing rests on everything good and bad happening to the Adam Sandler Character. Which is why Dr. Rydell decides to intervene from having Dave wind up in the slammer and have Dave be put under his supervision and an intense Anger Management program which involves Buddy moving in with Dave and getting really, REALLY into Dave’s existence. (Show clip of Dave & Dr. Rydell in the same bed then cut to James & Rowdy looking really, really disturbed before cutting back to the clip of Dave & Dr. Rydell in the bed.)
Dr. Rydell: In Europe it’s not considered unusual for three or four guys to share a bed.
Rowdy (V.O.): There is no way this thing can get more disturbing.
Dr. Rydell: By the way, I like to sleep in the nude. (Cut to James grabbing an industrial sized Barf Bucket for Rowdy.)
Rowdy: Where did you get this?
TLOTA: Those retail warehouse clubs. I should let you know it was used once.
TLOTA: The night the episode of “GLEE” when it’s Rachel’s opening night and in a sub plot Sue Sylvester and a New Yorker make whoopee all over the Loft where Rachel, Blane & Kurt live in aired and don’t get me wrong it was a good episode. In fact I can’t wait to see your fifth season review of Glee on TV Trash. (Cut back to video as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So after that bit of disturbance to your senses. Dr. Rydell decides to join Dave at work, but not before a song. (Cut to the clip of Dave singing “I feel pretty” from “West Side Story” then cut to James & Rowdy.)
Rowdy: I’m really close to finding Adam Sandler and beating him like a government mule for massacring Sondheim. (Cut back to video as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): As the day goes on Dave needs a way to get rid of Dr. Rydell until we get something bizarre. Woody Harrelson in drag! (Show clip of Woody Harrelson trying to seduce Adam Sandler then cut to James & Rowdy both tossing their cookies in the industrial sized Barf Bucket before a minor shake in the ground causes them to stop.)
Rowdy: The frack was that?
TLOTA: ORAC? What was that?
ORAC: According from the source of the epicenter of the quake several million people of the “Happy Madison” audience are on their way.
TLOTA & Rowdy: Oh Boy!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)
TLOTA: You know we’re going to have to finish this review before they arrive.
TLOTA: I told you before, if my sister’s fiancé is in there, we’re going to have to dive in, save him before we eighty six the rest of the “Happy Madison” audience and if Adam dies, I wind up with my head AND my privates on my sister’s mantelpiece!
Rowdy: Good enough reason. (Cut back to video as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So after that Dave got a call from a hospital as Dr. Rydell’s mom is in for a procedure and Dave decides to have fun at the predicament and when Dave becomes serious that Dr. Rydell’s mom is going in for surgery Dr. Rydell decides to go to Boston and take Dave with him. After finding out momma Rydell had a Jellybean removed from her nose and don’t ask me how that happened.
Rowdy (V.O.): Okay.
TLOTA (V.O.): The duo decide to head to a bar where Dave eyes Heather Graham and at Dr. Rydell’s insistence Dave say the following to her.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: I’m sorry I was so rude before, but it’s difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants. (Cut to James & Rowdy physically with their jaws on the floor.)
Rowdy: If that crap actually works, I think I might… (Cut to Dave with some hesitation say the phrase and Heather Graham likes it then cuts to James & Rowdy physically with their heads on the table.)
TLOTA: I think this clip pretty much sums up our feelings on what just happened. (Show clip of Linkara having a mental breakdown from Maximum Clonage before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Later on, Dave finds that Buddy left him and the girl decides to take Dave to her place to help Dave find Buddy’s place and then (Show clip of Heather Graham going nuts as she scolds Dave, Dave tries to calm Heather Graham but gets hit in the face with a chocolate cupcake then gets thrown out.)
Dave Buznik: PORKER! FATTY! NOOOOOOOOO!
TLOTA (V.O.): Dave eventually finds where Buddy is staying at and Buddy tells on Dave to Linda on what he on Dr. Rydell’s orders did and Dave takes it well.
Dr. Rydell: What else could I do?
Dave: What else could you do? You could’ve told her something else! I was at the Bank! I was at the store! I ATE BAD QUACAMOLE AND I COULDN’T STOP SHITTING! (Cut to James & Rowdy physically)
Rowdy: I was doing worse movies than Michael Bay!
TLOTA: I was making a decent song about an underappreciated holiday which became a bad movie with amazing animation!
Rowdy: I was producing movies and TV shows for my friends that tanked!
TLOTA: Rowdy, I think they get that we can go on and on about what else Adam Sandler could do. (Cut back to the movie clips as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Eventually Dave basically gets so mad he forces Dr. Rydell to take him back home to smooth things over with Linda. But before that happens. Dr. Rydell finds at no cost to him Dave’s old bully. You know the bully who pulled his pants down in the beginning of this movie and guess where he is?
Rowdy (V.O.): Prison? (Show image of a Buddhist Monastery.) You’re kidding me? Dr. Rydell is going to make him confront a monk?
Dave: You’re kidding me! You’re going to make me confront a monk? Great. (Cut to Rowdy & James physically with Rowdy pulling out his baseball bat and handing it to James.)
Rowdy: Do me a favor and don’t stop until my head resembles a watermelon after a Gallagher concert.
TLOTA: NO! (Throws baseball bat away as scene cuts back to the movie with James doing a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So yeah, From a Bully to a Buddhist. Quite a transformation seeing as how as a kid named Arnie Shankman he’s now become John C Reilly and is now named….
Pana: Pana Kamanana (Cut to Rowdy & James physically)
TLOTA: Pana Ka Wha? (Cut to clip of Pana Kamanana slowed down then cut to James & Rowdy saying it quietly & phonetically until the two get it correct then cut to the movie with James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So yeah the two confront each other peacefully until the mention of the Sarah Plowman incident which gets the airborne toxin that turn decent characters into de-evolved Neanderthals and what started off peaceful turns into painful especially when it turns to Arnie’s Psychotic Sibling especially sets Arnie off and to the credit of John C. Reilly he is funny in his delivery especially this line.
Pana: Answer me Buznik, Did you get it on with my sister? (Cut to James & Rowdy laughing)
Rowdy: He sounded like Kermit The Frog doing a bad impression of “The Irate Gamer” (Show clip of “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” SNES episode of Irate Gamer with James doing a Kermit The Frog impression then cut to the movie with James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So while Dave takes the low road Pana tries to take the high road until Dave tries to do his best Roman Reigns impression then the two become the de-evolved Neanderthals smacking each other around and being man children and then…
Dr. Rydell: Hold it right there. This party’s by invitation only. (Cut to James & Rowdy physically.)
Rowdy: Jack Nicholson’s packing and I’m willing to bet those monks will be reincarnated as bullets to kill everyone involved in this turkey. (Cut to video as it appears to be a water gun and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): No it’s a water gun and after that and being chased out of the monastery Dave makes it back to New York where he gets a rather rude awakening after Linda listens to some of Dr. Rydell’s advice.
Linda: I don’t think that we should see each other for a while. Buddy thinks that a trial separation will ultimately strengthen our relationship.
TLOTA (V.O.): Slightly peeved at the thought of that Dave confronts Dr. Rydell and listens as to why Dr. Rydell suggested the separation. Dave takes the thought of it rather well. (Show clip of Dave tossing his calculator at his co-worker then cuts to the movie with James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): So after that Lou, Nate & John Turturro are waiting for Dr. Rydell and they get a little too loud for a neighbor’s liking.
Rowdy (V.O.): Well seeing how this is a “Happy Madison” production they’ll either acquiesce or… (Show clip of the three of them shouting at the neighbor before cutting to James & Rowdy physically.)
Rowdy: Thought as much. (Cut back to the movie clips as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Fortunately Dave fans the fires in those guys but they start to ignite the fuse in Dave when the three tell Dave that Linda is on a date and Dave thinks that Andrew is the one so Dave finds out where Linda is on her date and asks the Porn Stars to make Linda jealous until Dave to his shock discovers it’s not Andrew that Linda is on a date with, It’s Dr. Rydell! (Cut to M. Night Shyamalan saying “What a twist!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Dr. Rydell tells Dave that he cut the big wiener off by asking Linda and later on Dr. Rydell tells about how things went nuts on the date. After that Linda calls Dr. Rydell and thinking he is being had Dave takes the news well until…
Dr. Rydell: I wish I were, Dave however I did insist that we not go forward without your blessing because we’re best friends. So, what do you say Dave? Is it all right if I date your Ex? (Dave lunges at Dr. Rydell while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Well seeing as how you have done everything to return me to the man child character I’ve been trying to shed, FUCK YOU! (Cut to the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Unfortunately strike three came when Dave attacked Dr. Rydell and a trial is set for three weeks from now and as Dave watches Linda & Dr. Rydell leave. Dave discovers Dr. Rydell faked his injury and his boss who has been a minor maleficence throughout this movie becomes the straw that breaks Dave’s back as not only did Andrew get the promotion Dave wanted, Dave sets his boss up to fail because the boss said that the cat clothing line was his idea and then…
Frank: Buznik! Your behavior is unacceptable! (Cut to James & Rowdy physically.)
Rowdy: YOU SUCK! Do you know why you suck? Because you are that entitled douchebag that thinks everything should be handed to you on a platter! You treat your underlings like they have to be stuck dealing with you for the rest of their lives, they pray to god for death because they’d rather be dead than have to do the work YOU are supposed to do and…(Cut to Dave reading Frank the riot act, punching Andrew and forcibly getting the promotion and leaves Frank humiliated before cutting to James & Rowdy physically.)
Rowdy: Yeah, What Dave said! Wait, I agreed with Adam Sandler. James will you please finish me off?
TLOTA: NO! (Cut to the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): However in the middle of Dave reading his boss the Riot Act Andrew spills that Buddy is going to propose to Linda at a Yankees game to which I’m certain the Rangers are their opponents. Dave floors it to make it to Yankee Stadium before Buddy can pop the question but not before Dave meets up with the cross dressing Woody Harrelson this time at his normal job of being security at Yankee Stadium and then chaos ensues as Dave tries to find Linda as he knocks out a security guard at first, drop kicks a guy at second, spears another guy as he rounds third and just as he finds Linda just in time to be declared safe at home to ask Linda to marry him. (Show clip of Robert Merrill tackles Dave then cut to James & Rowdy physically.)
Rowdy: Well it goes to show that even Opera singers can be bad ass because guess what?
TLOTA & Rowdy: He’s out! (Show clip of Rudy Giuliani telling security to let Dave back on the field and Dave then proposes to Linda then Linda tells Dave to kiss her in front of all the audience and Dave runs to kiss Linda at Yankee Stadium.)
Dave: I can’t believe you actually started to fall for that crazy man.
Linda: Buddy’s not such a bad guy. (Shows a sign by Buddy congratulating the couple.) Congratulations David, You just graduated from Anger Management! (Cut to James doing a voiceover the movie.)
TLOTA (V.O.): That’s right! Linda set Dave up to be in an intense Anger Management course just so he can get out of second gear and everything was set up to get him to that point and at a celebration for Dave & Linda the owner of the car that Buddy had moved out of the way and got totaled in the process decides to put a bullet between Buddy Rydell’s eyes when Dave steps in to take the bullet and then this happens.
Dave (Singing): Who’s that pretty girl in that mirror there?
Guy (Singing): What mirror where? (Squirts Dave with a water gun then cuts to James & Rowdy)
Rowdy: All the internet reviewers and film critics say with me now! (Cut to everyone in one room)
Everyone: CURSES! FOILED AGAIN! (Cut to John Turturro splatting the guy and Dave and everyone sings “I Feel Pretty” from “West Side Story” before cutting back to James & Rowdy physically.)
TLOTA: So that was “Anger Management” and your thoughts on this is?
Rowdy: An actual good comedy from Adam Sandler?! HOLY FRACK! CALL RIPLEY’S (Cut to clips of the movie as “When you’re Smiling” by Louis Prima plays as James & Rowdy do a voice over.)
Rowdy(V.O.): As someone who has seen only ONE of Adam Sandler’s comedies up to this point, that one being “The Waterboy”, I am actually amazed that this thing was even watchable and in comparison to the Charlie Sheen porno-com this thing dwarfs the entertainment value of it a hundred fold.
TLOTA (V.O.): And to the movie’s credit they did allow Jack Nicholson to be funny because of how naturally Jack can be funny without trying and basically forced Adam Sandler to up his game and then everything else fell into place. For my money if there is one Adam Sandler comedy that needs to be seen it is “Anger Management”! (Scenes start to shake as the scene cuts but the shaking continues as James & Rowdy physically shake with the ground.)
ORAC: THEY HAVE ARRIVED!
TLOTA: Who do you think it is? They have arrived just as we finished watching a Happy Madison movie, it’s their audience! (Scene cuts to the front door as the herd of “Happy Madison” audience makes their way to James’ front door before cutting back to James & Rowdy.)
Rowdy: STAMPEDE! Oy!
TLOTA: HEAD FOR THE BATHROOM DOOR! (Rowdy opens James’ front door as a loud collective of chirping of the word “Poop” is heard as James grabs Rowdy as the “Happy Madison” audience run to the bathroom as the last ponce spins around and runs in and James closes the Bathroom door.)
Rowdy: What is it?
Rowdy: In there?
TLOTA: The things I do for my family! On three! (James & Rowdy shout three as the two run in as the two are heard saying no and James inter-sparsely say “My mom’s side of the family” for two minutes over the loud chant of “Poop is poop, we’ve got poop!” is heard as the scene stays on the closed Bathroom door.)
Rowdy (Audio only): Hey James, this him?
TLOTA (Audio only): Let me see! (Two seconds of silence as “Poop is poop, we’ve got poop!” chant is heard) YEP, that’s him! (Door opens to see Adam getting kicked in the rear out the door and he says WHEE! As James and Rowdy run out the door, throw two grenades into the bathroom as someone says “Hey, what’s this?” as a loud explosion shakes the footage for two seconds as Rowdy takes his cap off and James slaps his hand over his heart.)
TLOTA: A Moment of silence for the “Happy Madison” Audience. (Silence lasts two milliseconds) That was fun!
Adam (Audio only): Dude, you killed my friends!
TLOTA: Adam listen up, I am your friend, my brothers whether they like it or not will be your friends, and my parents will be your friends whether or not THEY like it and my sister will be your wife. My friend Rowdy will be your friend.
Rowdy: Maybe I can help you evolve beyond the “Happy Madison” level of intelligence.
Adam (Audio only): You’ll do that for me?
TLOTA: Why not? I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion.