Monday, December 15, 2014

The Average Guy in "Merry Christ-mess"

(Music in the same vein of Donald Duck's opening theme plays in the background James singing throughout the intro "Who has the Average disposition? One guy that's who. Who never puts in his two cents? Who knows that his world makes sense? Who always lives a normal life? Who always seems to never know what's right? Who tells it true in front of a lie? No one! But The Average Guy!"  as "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents:" is seen then cuts to a picture of James Faraci with a simple smile on James' face and the words "The Average Guy" is below and cuts to the title card of  "Merry Christ-mess")

(Scene starts with "The Average Guy" driving in his car to the mall while "Holiday Cluster (Expletive deleted)" while "The Average Guy" whistles the song for a few seconds before stopping his car and the camera cuts to see an over packed parking lot.)

A.G.(Audio only): HO BOY! I'm going to be here a while! (Cut to The Average Guy inside his car  going slowly in the parking lot and seeing a car in front of them and The Average Guy watches as the other car parks in the spot he had and finally discovers the spot next to the one he saw and tries to take when he saw the Handicapped sign and The Average Guy shouts an F-Bomb as he hits his car horn then scene cuts to The Average Guy FINALLY getting into the Mall only to see what could be described as the decline of human civilization and The Average Guy shakes his head in sadness and as he walks around The Average Guy bumps into someone heavily bruised played by Paulo Fonseca.)

A.G.: Dude, how long have you ever been in here.

Citizen: Since the middle of November.

A.G.: "The middle of November"? You missed Thanksgiving for what?

Citizen: This gift for my wife though I think she just texted me. Can you read it for me? (The Average Guy looks at the screen and hands it back to the other guy.)

A.G.: She's filing for divorce because you've been in this mall for weeks.

Citizen: SERIOUSLY?! I've got to get out of here! (The other guy runs for the door as The Average Guy rolls his eyes then the scene cuts to see The Average Guy's eyes as he sees his car just about to be towed away and he screams as he stops the tow truck driver played by Rebecca Fonseca from towing his ride.)

A. G.: Hey! I just got out of that madness and I was about to get out of here!

Tow Truck Driver: Tell you what, You pay me and I'll let you keep your ride.

A.G.: I'd love to but my hands are full.

Tow Truck Driver: You know something? Why don't I take your packages until you get your hands on your wallet to let me swipe your card through my mobile reader.

A.G.: Sounds fair. (The Average Guy hands all the packages to the Tow Truck Driver who shouts SUCKER! and drives off leaving his ride unharmed and The Average Guy frustrated before cutting to The Average Guy back at his apartment on his couch.)

A.G.: I may be an average guy but even I have limits and what I saw and went through was just an abomination of what the Holidays are about! What have we become? Are we so insane that we sacrifice so much and steal from our fellow man when it comes to a Holiday that's supposed to be about the birth of one man who was born in a stable surrounded by livestock and with nothing but his parents and it's supposed to be about being with family & friends one more time before the new year. I need to relax maybe something good on TV.

TV (Audio only): BUY NOW AND ENJOY THE SAVINGS FOR THE HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAYS. (The Average Guy flips the channel and sees "THE" clip of Linus quoting the Bible on the birth of Jesus and The Average Guy smiles and a Ding is heard as a Light bulb lights up over "The Average Guy"s head as scene cuts to the Mall as everyone is in near riot mode of shopping.)

A.G. (Audio only): ATTENTION MALL SHOPPERS! (Everyone stops scene cuts to The Average Guy on a P.A. microphone at a security guard's post.)

A.G.: I am The Average Guy! How many of you are tired of staying here for what feels like days on end not getting what you want at a store and miss spending time with your family? (Everyone shouting in a Yeah! noise) SO GO HOME ALREADY! (A citizen voiced by Chris Lee Moore shouts "But how can we get great deals and the presents for our families?") Good question if everyone can look at the banner in front of the Sears, I give you, the solution! (Cut to everyone looking out to the Sears)

A.G. (Audio only): BEHOLD! (Banner unfurls) The Internet! It's more than just used for people to complain about petty stuff! You can purchase the gifts for your loved ones and be with them for everything even Christmas Eve Church services! (A citizen played by Lewis Lovhaug looks around and agrees with The Average Guy and says "Let's go home!" and everyone save for the employees at the mall go home then camera cuts to "The Average Guy")

A.G.: Well, that actually worked! Not too bad. I'm The Average Guy & that's just who I am.