Friday, October 10, 2014

The top 13 Vampire Films better than "The Twilight Saga"


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

(Scene changes to James carrying three full totes)

TLOTA: Ah nothing better than moving into a new work place so you can get work done without getting disturbed at all plus this place has a fully furnished bathroom and kitchen, it has Cable TV, Wi-Fi internet. If I ever decide to move out of my place, this will be the perfect Bachelor Pad.

Lea Michele: Correction, it’ll be OUR place because I’d like to move in with you.

Darren Criss: Just wish you’d give us more of your stuff instead of one tote per person.

Naya Rivera: Hey James, I thought I saw two other people moving stuff in.

TLOTA (Audio only): You did! (Cut to James walking out the backroom with two other people)

TLOTA: Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca say hello to Lea Michele, Darren Criss, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch & Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer”.

Rowdy: Feel free to call me “Rowdy”.

Paulo: A pleasure to meet you guys.

Rebecca: I’ve heard of most of you guys but “Rowdy” is it? (Rowdy nods his head to say yes.) I’ve just heard of you now. Who are you?

Rowdy: I host an internet review series called “TV Trash” and I already talked about "Brickleberry", "South Park", "Family Guy", “The E Network” & “Reality Television” already.

Rebecca: Okay.

Chris Colfer: So how did you guys meet?

Paulo: Rebecca’s my sister and we met James in both Church and school and he’s been a casual acquaintance of ours and he asked us to help him in any function with his reviews or anything he needs and we’re more than willing to help him out. (Cut to TLOTA Staring at the audience)

TLOTA: Everybody get that? (TLOTA then turns to everyone in the room) Okay guys, kickback, watch some TV, play a game or pop in a Blu-Ray or DVD while I put everything in place and set up a final security protocol with ORAC. (Cut to everyone else sitting down and relaxing on a couch)

Jane Lynch: So now what?

Rowdy: Well, it is October. Why don’t you guys find a scary movie while I make some popcorn?

Paulo: Sounds good (Everyone else agrees with a yeah or a sure and Lea turns on the television and scene cuts to the screen on the TV as The Maven Of The Eventide appears.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Hello James, it’s time to pay your penance once again. (Cut to everyone on the couch.)

Darren: Oh hey, a sequel to one of those cheesy Sci-fi movies you see on the Syfy channel.

Jane Lynch: You really want real sci-fi cheese check out the “Chiller” channel, imagine the Syfy channel except with lower level Z-Grade scary movies. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Wait, where’s James? I was sure he was here. (Cut to everyone on the couch as Rowdy comes back with a bowl of popcorn.)

Rowdy: Hey everybody, what you watchin’?

Paulo: A cheesy sci-fi sequel to one of those movies on the Syfy channel.

Rebecca: From what I gather this woman is on the hunt for someone named James and instead of James having the cojones to face her el pollo bastarda sent his minions to get her. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Is that what you guys are? James’s Minions? (Cut to The couch)

Rowdy: I know that voice. (Turns to face the television) Maven! (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide.)

Maven Of The Eventide: I know of you too, you’re the associate of James. (Cut to The couch)

Rowdy: I’ll call for him. (Door opens)

TLOTA (Audio only): For who? (James walks over to the couch as Rowdy points to the TV as James turns to the screen at the 0:00 mark of the Ironside theme from “Kill Bill” is heard then the scene cuts between James & The Maven as the Ironside theme from “Kill Bill” 0:01-0:07 mark is heard. At the 0:07 mark the image of The Maven Of The Eventide comes closer to The Maven. At the 0:08 mark the image of James being shocked is pulled closer to him then cuts to The Maven as the last few seconds are heard as The Maven speaks.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Hello James, you know what time it is! (Cut to James and everyone on the couch with James groaning.)

TLOTA: Sorry to have dragged all of you into this but guys say hello to “The Maven Of The Eventide” (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide.)

Maven Of The Eventide (Sounding like a female Bela Lugosi): Good evening, I am The Maven Of The Eventide and it is time once again for me to punish James Faraci The Last Of The Americans for liking “The Twilight Saga”. (Cut to everyone on the couch looking at James.)

TLOTA: What? (Cut to footage from the movies from “The Twilight Saga” while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (V.O.): Okay, let me clarify something. The fact that I like “The Twilight Saga” doesn’t mean I think it’s bulletproof nor do I think it’s the best set of Vampire movies ever. (Cut to James & everyone else on the couch.)

TLOTA: As a matter of fact, I can name 13 vampire movies that are without question better than “The Twilight Saga”. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: You mean to tell me that you’re counting down and reviewing thirteen vampire movies better “The Twilight Saga”?  “Dark Shadows” by Tim Burton is a better movie than all five of “The Twilight Saga”. (Cut to James & everyone else on the couch.)

TLOTA: I get it but that movie isn’t on the list.

Others on the Couch: What list?

TLOTA: The top thirteen Vampire films better than “The Twilight Saga”

Rebecca: Why thirteen?

Rowdy: Because while The Nostalgia Critic will go one step from the normal countdown list. James is going to go two steps beyond The Nostalgia Critic’s one in order to appease The Maven Of The Eventide.

Lea Michele: Time out, this Maven Of The Eventide, where is she now?

Rowdy: Looking at us. Don’t ask how it works.

TLOTA: So let’s check out the Thirteen Vampire movies better than “The Twilight Saga”

Rebecca: Who’s the Nostalgia Critic?

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background then the title of “The Top 13 Vampire movies better than “The Twilight Saga” then cuts the scene of the woods as the aforementioned song plays while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 13

13) “Once Bitten”

(Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Never heard of it. (Cut to James doing a voice over to the footage.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Well you should know about some of the actors in this one. Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, Megan Mullally, JIM CARREY!

Maven Of The Eventide (V.O.): Jim Carrey in a vampire film? And you think it’s better because?

TLOTA (V.O.): Because Maven like many Vampire Movies it took liberties with Vampirism and it worked to the advantage of the project and while yes by today’s standards it is a cheesy horror comedy if “MST3K” were still on the air would shred to shreds but still with a cast that good even Joel & The Bots would cut it some slack and besides what other vampire movie can say it helped kick start Jim Carrey’s career? (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Got me there.

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 12

12) “Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood”

TLOTA (V.O.): While it may be cheesy and campy, it’s got a charm all its own and besides for guys like me it’s just one of those movies that is custom made to be better than “The Twilight Saga” because it is made so tongue in cheek and so crazy and the cast is amazing especially when you have Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon who was in the Original “Fright Night” and Corey Feldman who’ll be in another movie on this list. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide and then everyone else on the couch saying “The Lost Boys” in unison)

TLOTA: I’m aware what the title of the movie is. But the point is it’s a vampire movie, it doesn’t have any of the flaws of “The Twilight Saga” and is immensely more entertaining than “The Twilight Saga”

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 11

11) The “Underworld” movies

(Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Wait a second, I reviewed a couple of these movies. (Cut to James & everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: And do you think that those movies are better than “The Twilight Saga”? Because I do. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Me too (Cut to footage of the “Underworld” movies with the Maven Of The Eventide doing a voiceover)

Maven Of The Eventide (V.O.): And unlike “The Twilight Saga” the “Underworld” movies take liberties in the mythos that work in favor of making the Vampires stronger instead of wussy emos.

TLOTA (V.O.): And to the credit of these movies they did handle the conflict between Werewolves & Vampires a BILLION FOLD TIMES better than “The Twilight Saga” and tell me the romance between Selene played by Kate Beckinsale & Michael Corvin played by Scott Speeedman isn’t more human than the chemistry between Edward & Bella. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Touche

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 10

10) Wes Cravens’ “Vampire in Brooklyn” (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Wait a second The horrendous Vampire movie with Eddie Murphy? (Cut to TLOTA & Everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: BINGO! (Cut to footage of “Vampire In Brooklyn” while James does a Voice Over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): And the reason why I say this movie is better than “The Twilight Saga” is because they did have a vampire played by Murphy who is vicious and able to be romantic without acting an ounce like Edward from “The Twilight Saga” and let’s face it this movie is what lead Eddie Murphy to doing “The Nutty Professor” and started his second wind which he has since squandered. (Cut to “The Maven Of The Eventide”)

Maven Of The Eventide: I can’t argue with the fact that A) This movie is better than “The Twilight Saga” & B) You’re right about Eddie Murphy and his squandered second wind so... lets move on. (Cut to TLOTA & Everyone else on the couch.)

TLOTA: My thoughts exactly

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 9

9) “Interview With The Vampire”

TLOTA (V.O.): While the Maven has Reviewed this and while I agree with her thoughts on this movie. I kinda felt that the cast including Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas and Kirsten Dunst were overdoing it a bit. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide looking as if daggers were to come out of her eyes then cut to everyone else looking at James.)

TLOTA: Didn’t mean I didn’t think “Interview With The Vampire” was not better than “The Twilight Saga”. As a matter of fact it’s a hundred times better than “The Twilight Saga” because of it. LET’S MOVE ON!

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 8

8) “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” (Cut to Footage of the movie while James does a Voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Who knew that the 16th president was the steampunk male version of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” because the rail-splitter, while trying to keep The United States for a lack of a better term United, was hacking and staking Vampires and for the most part, I found it more entertaining than “The Twilight Saga” (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Speaking of Buffy will she make an appearance in this list. (Cut to James and everyone else on the couch.)

Rowdy: Well let’s see does Sarah Michelle Gellar have restraining order on both me & The Blockbuster Buster stay at least 5000 miles away from her and her family.(Everyone else scoots away from Rowdy slightly) WHAT?

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 7

7) “The Dark Crystal” (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Wait a second, The Dark Crystal is a vampire movie? (Cut to footage of the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (V.O): Well not in the usual sense but yeah, it’s a movie about vampires in another dimension with Jim Henson & Frank Oz in the director’s chair. I saw more creativity, more imagination more of what made Jim Henson’s work memorable in “The Dark Crystal” than there was in the entirety of “The Twilight Saga”.

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 6

6) “John Carpenter’s Vampires” (Cut to Footage of the movie while James does a Voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): The man behind such classics as “Escape from New York”, “The Thing”, “Halloween”, “They Live”, “The Fog”, “Assault on Precinct 13”, “Big Trouble in Little China” and a numerous other great cult classics created this action romp with James Woods as a leader of a group of Vampire Hunters with a papal sanction by The Vatican and the Vampires are a lot more impressive with their plot than all the movies in “The Twilight Saga” (Audio is interrupted as infant cries and scene cuts to “The Maven Of The Eventide” as Paw runs in with their son.)

Paw: Hey Pookie, could you do me a favor and help me clean up Grey?

Maven Of The Eventide: Okay. Say Can we take a break? (Cut to TLOTA and everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: Sounds fine to me besides it’ll give me time to explain what is up with you & Paw and the baby.

Rebecca Fonseca: And maybe someone can explain who in the world the “Nostalgia Critic” is?!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review then cut to The “Maven Of The Eventide”)

Maven Of The Eventide: So we’re back, James are you there? (Cut to James and everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: And that’s the deal with Paw, The Maven Of The Eventide and the baby and who the “Nostalgia Critic” is Rebecca.

Rebecca: Okay.  (Audio of Maven coughing.)

TLOTA: Oh hey let’s get back to work guys!

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 5

5) “The Lost Boys” (Cut to Footage of the movie while James does a Voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Proof positive that a blind dog with a missing leg named “Lucky” can find not just a duck shot down in Duck Hunting but a female dog to mate with. Joel Schumacher aka the guy who made “Batman & Robin”…

Maven Of The Eventide (V.O.): As well as “Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom Of The Opera”

TLOTA (V.O.): I’m aware of that but this was for me THE first vampire film I ever saw and what I can say is this movie was awesome. I loved the characters, the setting, the music, the story, the cast, EVERY Little thing is one trillion times done better than “The Twilight Saga” even the ending has an awesome twist.

Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach, all the damn Vampires. (Cut to the clip of David being killed by Michael.)

TLOTA (V.O.): What else can be said? If “The Twilight Saga” took this route it wouldn’t have been so ridiculed but the fact remains that for me, this remains one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 4

4) The “Blade Trilogy (Cut to Footage of the movie while James does a Voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): While The Maven Of The Eventide touched base on what it did for Vampire Films it also became the only salvation for Wesley Snipes until he shot himself in the foot while making the third film. But regardless these movies are awesome in their own rights for my own reasons. The first one did a great job telling Blade’s origins and Blade II which under the direction of Guillermo Del Toro and for me the final one registers as guilty pleasure for me the movies were great it gave a shot in the arm to not only Vampire films but Comic Book Movies as well AND Yes it is a million times better than “The Twilight Saga”

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 3

3) “From Dusk Till Dawn” (Cut to Footage of the movie while James does a Voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Robert Rodriguez before he became known for the “Spy Kids” franchise made one of the most insanely great vampire movies ever with Salma Hayek as the Queen of The Vampires and putting George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino in the movie as Anti-Heroes instead of being the stoic guys with the answers was a clever touch and while The Maven Of The Eventide and The Angry Video Game Nerd have touched on this movie after all is said and done this kick ass vampire film is a hundred times better than “The Twilight Saga”

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number 2

2) “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” (Cut to Footage of the movie while James does a Voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): While yes I’m aware that 20th Century Fox did mess with Joss Whedon’s movie, it has a charm that seems to transcend the zeitgeist of what the early 1990’s were all about and while this movie is seen as inferior to the TV series. I find it to be really amazing entertaining despite its flaws and it’s so better than “The Twilight Saga” words can’t say anything. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Did you forget that I reviewed it? (Cut to James and everyone else on the couch)

TLOTA: No and I know everyone here and I know you and everyone else here know what the number one movie is but…. (Everyone else says “Dracula”) I wasn’t finished. Which version of the character? (Show clips of different actors playing Dracula while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Oh there have been so many iterations some coming off more demonic and some more suave and more seductive then there was the comedic version played by the late Leslie Nielsen and a new version of the tale of Dracula coming soon but for me there is only one version that is THE definitive Dracula and for me…

(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): THE number one Vampire movie Better than “The Twilight Saga” is….

1) “Dracula” (1931) (Show footage of Dracula (1931) while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (V.O.): For me the Bela Lugosi version is the one vampire film if I had to choose between watching this version of “Dracula” or “The Twilight Saga” I’m choosing the 1931 Dracula every time. Bela Lugosi sacrificed so much to play the role that made him & Dracula Iconic and if you haven’t seen “The Blockbuster Buster”’s video at the Knott House Museum on the subject of the movie of Dracula, SEE IT and get Dracula it is far, far superior than “The Twilight Saga”.  (Cut to James and everyone else on the couch.)

TLOTA: So those are the thirteen Vampire movies that are better than “The Twilight Saga” but do I believe that without these better films there would be no “Twilight Saga”? (Cut to different clips of movies about Vampires while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Well to be honest, were it not for “The Twilight Saga” I don’t think people would be thinking of the thirteen of the movies I listed as better Vampire movies were it not for “The Twilight Saga” because let’s face it some of these movies are classic and some of these for me in comparison are better but not by much when it comes to “The Twilight Saga” but what “The Twilight Saga” de-evolved into it made people look for something better. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Wait, Just remind me, which of “The Twilight Saga” movies did you really dislike the most. (Cut to James and everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, Why? (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Well, I know you don’t want to be stuck with me annually so the way I see it. Review “Breaking Dawn: Part 2” of “The Twilight Saga” and we’ll be square. (Cut to James and everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: Maybe next year. See you then. (Cut to the TV screen with the Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: Very Well then, Bye Bye! (Scene statics and then becomes the party scene in “Hocus Pocus” then cuts to James and Everyone else on the couch)

TLOTA: Ooh! Awesome, Hey Rowdy you still got that popcorn?

Rowdy: Yep!  (Everyone else says “sweet” and smiles and enjoys the movie and popcorn.)

(End credit of the copyright symbol & the words Chez Apocalypse with the year 2014 next to them and under both is Team NChick then Written by Elisa Hanson & James Faraci credit then twitter accounts Twitter.com/ElisaInTime & Twitter.com/TLOTA are credited. Special Thanks to Paw Dugan, James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Rebecca & Paulo Fonseca, Lea Michele, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer & Jane Lynch then cuts to James and Lea on a couch snuggling together in the studio)

TLOTA: Thanks for staying tonight.

Lea Michele: No Problem. Hmm, it’s so weird, last year around this time you and I were planning to get together for a Halloween Karaoke party and now here we are together for a quiet night together while everyone else is planning the finale of “GLEE” and our last wrap party, you’ll be there, right?

TLOTA: Yeah, I’ll be there.

Lea Michele: You sound a little down in the mouth. Everything all right?

TLOTA: As long as you and I can enjoy our time together, everything is fantastic. (James starts to kiss Lea’s neck as Lea goes for the side of James’ face and James’ hand feels around Lea’s right upper thigh and finds two bumps on the center of the thigh and James sniffs her.) Hmm, you smell different. New perfume?

Lea Michele: Actually, it’s sunblock.

TLOTA: EH? (Lea’s face morphs into a vampire like on “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” TV Series and its spinoff “Angel” as camera cuts to James screaming mouth then scene cuts to James laying on the couch in his studio.)

TLOTA: Wow, what a nightmare. (Paulo and Rebecca walk in through the back room.)

Paulo: Hey James, rough night?

TLOTA: To say the least.

Rebecca: Hey James, what’s that on the table? (Rebecca picks up envelope hands it to James and James reads it to himself.)

TLOTA: Hey guys get ready for a Halloween party with the cast of “GLEE”!

Rebecca: What’s the theme?

TLOTA: End of The world.

Paulo & Rebecca: Groovy!