(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..." (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..." appear to the left of James. Then cuts back to James doing a voice over Michael Bay's produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)
TLOTA (Voice over): By the time this editorial is out Michael Bay's abomination of a movie calling itself Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will have been released and if it has bombed miserably it would be a sign that film making in America is rapidly making a comeback. If it has succeeded then Congratulations you have helped perpetuate bad movie making AND killed another local movie theater because before Michael Bay's movies were in my hometown of Sullivan County New York there were three theaters that were in good local driving distances. Now all three are dead and I have to drive an hour and a half to either Middletown or elsewhere in Orange County New York just to see a movie. THANK YOU MICHAEL BAY VERY FUCKING LITTLE FOR MAKING IT EVEN HARDER TO WATCH A MOVIE! (Cut to James Physically taking a deep cleansing breath in and out.) But outside of my inability to travel to a decent location, my sense of taste in cinema and my willingness rather spend my money on a copy of Quest Seekers: The Wyrmstone for my Kindle Fire. I know why a lot of people wouldn't either, Megan Fox. (Cut to photos from different movies Megan Fox was in while James does a voice over)
TLOTA(voice over): Trust me, Megan Fox that VD carrying, hack actor marrying loathsome she devil of a witch who can't out act a drug fueled Lindsay Lohan in "Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen" is a bad casting choice but then again when I looked at who they casted in the Original three Live Action films I watched when I was younger a lot of decisions weren't good by today's standards. I mean if you recasted the actress from the first movie with another in today's world the internet would be asking for the casting director's hide on a stick. (Cut to James Physically) But one casting choice back then that would make people go Bat Shit Crazy today is hiring Vanilla Ice to be in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. (Cut to footage of Vanilla Ice in TMNT 2: Secret Of The Ooze while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA(voice over): But I do understand why he was casted to be in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze". He was a popular musician at the time and they needed someone who can bring the younger audience and by today's standards the producers of this movie would be crucified. But I think I know the reason he was brought in from a Story perspective. (Cut to James physically) Before I begin, I should warn there are Spoilers as to the movie's climax, if you haven't seen the movie, I apologize. Having said that let's find out Why Vanilla Ice was in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze". (Cut to the footage as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA(Voice over): In the scene before hand we saw the Turtles trying to feed the mutants Tokka & Rahzar anti-mutagen when the two discover the anti-mutagen and proceed to make our heroes into turtle soup when they're thrown into a club where Vanilla Ice is filming a video. But the crowd finds themselves looking at the Ninja Turtles taking on Tokka & Rahzar and Vanilla Ice sees the crowd looking at the situation he has to get them out of danger but keeping them calm. So Ice decided to be the distraction by assessing the what's going on around and coming up on the fly with "Ninja Rap" to not only get people looking at him and hopefully get the crowd out the door. Was he successful as a distraction so our heroes could fight Tokka & Rahzar? Well, he was able to get the crowd to stop looking at the Turtles so they could stop Tokka & Rahzar so in that respect he was doing something heroic and it is there I do tip my hat off to him. But he did kind of screw up where it came to getting the crowd out of harm's way because the Shredder does come in after Tatsu and the Foot were defeated and Tokka & Rahzar were rendered inert and when Ice saw Shredder he thought "Leave that crazy thing to those Turtles, they'll need all the luck they can get. I've done my part." and in my opinion discretion is the better part of valor and got out of the situation. (Cut to James Physically) But does Vanilla Ice deserve the ridicule for being in this movie? NO! (Cut to the footage as James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): I understand that Vanilla Ice is not seen by many as a legend in the music realm. I get it! He was a joke to look at but the fact he sold a ton of records and actually topped the charts means people did listen to him at one point. But he should also get a bit of respect for what he did in terms of the story of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze" he was able to stand along side the Ninja Turtles as a hero in his own right. (Cut to James physically) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion.