Saturday, November 16, 2013

A "Hornet" gets stung


(Scene begins with TMZ intro and TMZ announcer shouts)

TMZ announcer: IT’S TMZ! YOU WATCH IT, WE’RE COOL AS HARVEY LEVIN AND OUR TEAM OF REPORTERS GIVE ALL THE NEWS TO YOU!

(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who oddly looks like Matthew Morrison comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay, what do you have for us have, C.J.?

(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from C.J.’s face and C.J. looks like Mark Salling oddly)

C.J.: I’ve got Kim Kardashian, Kanye West & Baby North at the pediatrician’s office! (Camera cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: They’re being good parents? Bigger than the discovery of fire! Run it as the main headline!  (Scene cuts to TMZ cutaway and announcer)

TMZ announcer: TMZ! WE’RE EDGY AND THAT MAKES US COOL! (Scene cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Kim, Kit what do you got for me? (Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kit’s face who looks oddly like Dianna Agron)

Kit: I’ve got Tom Cruise throwing a Molotov cocktail at a church ranting how their alien ways won’t save them from his lord L. Ron Hubbard!

(Camera zooms back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Oh that wacky Tommy, He’s so silly!

(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kim’s Face who oddly looks like Heather Morris)

Kim: Apparently Lea Michele has found a new man but he calls himself, “The Last Of The Americans”. So much for what’s his name right!?(Everyone in the bullpen laughs uproariously)

Harvey Levin: “The Last Of The Americans”? Seriously?! How much attention are you looking for yourself to call yourself that? (Everyone laughs uproariously again.) Okay, Uh? How do you pronounce your name? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans ignoring everyone listening to music until Harvey tossed his shoe at James to get his attention.)

TLOTA: I’m sorry, what were you saying? (Camera cuts to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: How do we pronounce your name? (Camera cuts back to James)

TLOTA: Say DaVinci. (Camera cuts to everyone else)

Everyone else: DaVinci! (Camera back to James)

TLOTA: Now spell it. (Camera cuts away to Ralph who looks like Darren Criss)

Ralph: I know, I have the Tom Hanks movie DaVinci!

TLOTA: Good for you Ralphie! Now instead of Da & Vin. Put in Far and an A that makes an Ah sound to the ci that sounds like Chi and that’s how you say my name. (Camera cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Cool, why are you ignoring us when we have to do this. (Camera cuts to James)

TLOTA: I don’t mean to ignore you guys but this drowns out the screams of “Oh Satan! Please get your cock out of my ass!” (Camera cuts to everyone else as crickets chirp then cuts to C.J.)

C.J.: Who is saying that? (Camera cuts to James)

TLOTA: Edward R. Murrow!

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(Scene begins as James is reading the TMZ Guideline while wearing Nitrile Gloves and a respirator mask in a Plastic Wrapped Pleather Chair as Harvey walks by then walks back to James’s cubicle with a look of surprise.)

Harvey Levin: Hey James, what’s up with the...stuff you’re wearing? (Cuts to James Faraci taking off his respirator mask to talk to Harvey)

TLOTA: Speaking the plain truth, I am about as comfortable here as Mel Gibson is in a Synagogue. So to clean up my place a little, I washed my Pleather chair in case the guy who was sitting here before me had a contagious disease I might get then triple wrapped it in sterile plastic wrap so I’m triple dog sure I don’t get anything. As for the Nitrile Gloves and respirator mask well, this is a basic “How-To” book for Prostitutes and if I were to touch or breathe on it without this stuff, I might get Chlamydia! (Cut to Harvey laughing)

Harvey Levin: You’re a funny guy James, a funny guy! (Cut to James sitting in his chair throwing the guideline and grumbling nightmare and grabbing his cell phone)

Cell Phone: Please enjoy the music while you’re party is being reached. (“Good Ol’ Boys” Dukes of Hazzard theme and the Rowdy Reviewer answers)

Rowdy (Audio only): Hey James what’s up?

TLOTA: Dude, I’m in the level of Dante’s Inferno where TMZ is and guess who’s there now!

Rowdy (Audio only): Oh boy!

TLOTA: You’re damned right, oh boy! Can Jeannie blink me out of here? (Scene cuts to The Rowdy Reviewer’s hand getting a Coconut filled with a drink then to The Rowdy Reviewer resting in a hammock in board shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and his traditional Brood cap while Farewell to thee on a Ukulele)

Rowdy: I’d like to, but she’s at a genie convention in Las Vegas right now and I’m not going to bother her but before I left I thought I needed a vacation as well so I asked if she could blink me and the Comic Strip Critic to a Hawaiian hotel. You should see him, he’s quite a surfing fool. (Cut back to James stuck at TMZ)

TLOTA: Well is there anything you can do? (Cut back to Rowdy in paradise)

Rowdy: Well my cats have Jeannie’s Genie Convention schedule, I’ll contact them and see when she has a few free minutes to call me and I will try to get her to blink you here! Just hang in there and stay Rowdy my friend. (Rowdy hangs up. Cut to James hanging up then grumbles Stay Rowdy my friend!  Stay Rowdy my friend! While squeezing his cell phone then sighing to calm down. James then looks in the cubicle next to him and noticing a nice and quiet woman working there looking like Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: Hi there, I’m James. (Cut to The Nice and quiet woman waves and tells James her name)

Karen: I’m Karen. (Cut back to James)

TLOTA: Karen, you know if this were something I was working on, I’d introduce myself as such, “I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours.”(Cut Back to Karen)

Karen: You’re the…. (James cuts her off with a shhh! And we get a cut back to James)

TLOTA: No one & I mean NO ONE must know. Look apparently someone found out that a guy named James Faraci ranted online about how bad a news site TMZ is, I told them I was that guy. But someone on research separated me from The Last Of The Americans which was a mistake on their part because had they put James Faraci & The Last Of The Americans not only would I be ruined so would Lea Michele and I couldn’t do that to her. (Sighs) The worst part of this is that after a few hours here, I’m beginning to think that Seth Rogen might do a better job running this hellhole. He might be pretty good at this better than he did in “The Green Hornet” (Scene cuts to Green Hornet opening credit with Al Hirt’s “Green Hornet” theme plays as well as James does a voiceover random scenes from the movie) And as an internet reviewer, I’d never thought I’d say this but “Batman & Robin” is better in comparison, it made me miss the cheesiness of “Superman III”, “Supergirl” & “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”, “Catwoman” with Halle Berry is tolerable, “Howard The Duck” is an academy award winner in comparison to Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet”(Scene cuts back to James & Karen) And what’s worse is that Seth Rogen shows he’s not as good as he thinks he is. (Scene cuts to multiple pictures of Seth Rogen in different ways with James doing a voiceover) But that’s not to say he’s a horrible actor and I’m not saying he’s not funny. His comedic shtick is that he’s a loveable loudmouth with a good heart but his head is on backwards and nowhere is it more apparent than in “The Green Hornet” it kind of shows he’s out of place and somehow Dramatic work won’t be coming his way anytime soon especially after this.(Scene cuts back to James & Karen.) But hey maybe I’m being too harsh without giving him a fair shake, maybe he’ll bring his likeability to the role of Britt Reid aka The Green Hornet. (Scene cuts to Seth Rogen as Britt partying it up like a jackass then cuts to Britt Reid screaming about his coffee tasting bad then cuts back to James & Karen.) Karen could you do me a favor when I say pull would you take this Physical representation I have for my hopes that Seth Rogen gives dignity in his performance of Britt Reid and throw it in the air over my right shoulder.

Karen: Okay (Grabs the box that is the Physical Representation of James’s hopes while James goes into his drawer to grab a handgun then James says pull, Karen tosses it into the air James, not even looking shoots it exploding confetti everywhere.)

TLOTA: There goes that. (Bloodcurdling scream and a thud is heard.) And now I apparently killed the announcer.

TMZ Announcer: You’re wrong, I’m immortal, you can cut my head off and I can die that way but you can’t find me so I’m gonna live forever and awesome! (James sighs and places his hand on his forehead)

TLOTA: Fuck me! Let’s just get to Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet”. (Opening scene of movie plays as James does a voiceover)So as our movie begins we see James Reid played by Tom Wilkinson having to punish his son for getting into a fight. (Scene cuts to James Reid taking the head off of Britt’s Action figure.)

James Reid: Do you think it makes me happy to do this? (Scene cuts back to James)

TLOTA: Well at least its better how my dad punishes me. (Scene cuts to James crying for death as James’ dad complains as to why James will never succeed then cuts back to footage of movie and James does a voiceover) We cut to present day L.A. where Britt, now grown up and played by Seth Rogen is living it up and acting like a jackass and apparently daddy isn’t happy about the way he’s acting. But thankfully Daddy’s disapproving ways ends with a deadly bee sting leaving Britt in charge and it’s here that we meet Kato played Jay Chou, Wait who? (Record scratches & scene cuts to James on his computer looking up all the Martial Arts masters and finds squat on Jay Chou) Hey Karen you got anything on Jay Chou on the realm of the Martial Arts masters on the internet? (Cut to Karen)

Karen: Nothing, but according to his Imdb he’s a musician. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: A Musician? (Cut to Karen nodding affirmatively then cut back to James) Not a martial artist but a musical artist who makes records. (Cut to Karen nodding affirmatively then cut back to James) Good grief! Maybe he trained for the role. (Scene cuts to crappy effects filled fight as Kato beat up thugs then cuts to James rubbing his forehead to alleviate the headache he has.) Okay Seth, no sarcasm, no snark, no anger, no cynicism. Was it hard to find a Martial Artist who had any acting ability and say “Would you like to play Kato in The Green Hornet movie with me?” Was the budget for Kato’s actor pay so low you couldn’t afford a big name Martial Artist actor, because let me tell you there are Martial Artist actors who would’ve given their Eye Teeth just to play Kato. The reason the 1960’s series was popular over in Asia was because of Bruce Lee, it kick started his career as an Action Martial Artist actor, as a matter of fact the Asians gave that series the nickname “The Kato Show” because of Bruce Lee and just so everyone knows who I would’ve wanted to play The Green Hornet & Kato it would’ve been Gerard Butler as The Green Hornet & Johnny Yong Bosch as Kato. But I digress.  The two talk about how big a D-Bag James Reid was and get dressed up in what I have to assume is the Mark One costumes of the Duo they’d later be and cut the head off of his Dad’s statue and as in most superhero movies a Damsel in Distress is getting attacked which convinces Britt & Kato to become Superheroes that act like the bad guys and they will use The Daily Sentinel to promote their antics. (James gets cut off by Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin (Off Camera): Story Time!

TLOTA: Speaking of using the press to promote someone’s stupidity!  (Scene cuts to TMZ Logo and TMZ announcer shouts)

TMZ announcer: TMZ! WE ARE THE ONLY NEWS SHOW TO WATCH!

(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay people what do you have? (Camera zooms to Barbara who looks like Naya Rivera)

Barbara: I’ve got Shia LaBeouf and his dad hanging out as Shia LaBeouf awaits his appeal from being locked up for life at San Quentin. (Everyone Oohs as camera zooms to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: This is bigger than the World Trade Center attack, front page! James you got anything? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: Well, the latest amount of people who came on the healthcare.gov is over 106,000 well under President Obama’s estimate and from what I’ve heard over five million Americans are now without medical insurance. This is a frickin’ fiasco and instead of President Obama admitting he screwed up and ending this, he’s keeping this façade that everything is amazing and the website is working. He is taking our country down the toilet. (Crickets chirp as everyone sits there as James stands there waiting for any acknowledgement) What? It’s better than having to hear Walter Cronkite giving Lucifer a blowjob. (Crickets continue to chirp) Forget it, I’m going back to my cubicle and getting work done at least that’s productive!

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(Scene of Christoph Waltz sitting with James Franco while James Faraci does a voice over)

TLOTA: In the middle of this the lead bad guy in this played by Christoph Waltz who is named (Christoph Waltz says Chudnofsky then cuts to James Faraci sitting there with a confused look on his face and then cuts back to Christoph Waltz sitting forward as he uses the syllables to pronounce it Chud-Nof-Sky then cuts back to James Faraci mouthing Chudnofsky and got it and proceeds to continue on with voice over on clips) Chudnofsky. He’s been in control of the criminal activity in Los Angeles and after being insulted by James Franco decides to pull out a double barreled handgun! (Cut to James Faraci sitting there) To be honest that thing is Frickin’ awesome! (Cut back to clips and James Faraci doing the voice over) finds himself in the middle of a mid-life crisis wondering how he could be more threatening. But enough of the only good character, we’ve got to deal with the two jack-asses as Britt does Jack & Shit and Jack left town eons ago while Pseudo-Kato does all the work including building a fleet of the only other cool thing in this hunk of shit, The Black Beauty an indestructible car with enough ammo to give any action star who has wielded a bad ass gun a case of low self-esteem. But as our “Heroes” and I use the term loosely find themselves in competition over Cameron Diaz, Chudnofsky discovers that everything he’s built up is being demolished by The Green Hornet and Kato so he decides to facilitate a meeting which turns out to be a trap to kill the numbskulls. Kato worried for his existence decides to tell Britt that he’s been doing the naughty, naughty with Cameron Diaz and gets himself fired but in the process gets Cameron Diaz fired as well. (Cut to James sitting in his cubicle) Okay. Let me point something out, if Kato was having second thoughts why not tell Britt that they’re getting in over their heads maybe they could’ve worked something out, but no, Kato lies to Britt, Britt is an unbearable jack-ass. This is the first time where my support goes to Chudnofsky and at least Christoph Waltz can forget that he was in this when he wins the academy award twice thanks to Tarantino. But back to the review. (Cut back to clips and James Faraci doing the voice over) I’m going to get to the ending of this quickly. So Britt starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together, Chudnofsky decides to upgrade himself to Bloodnofsky, Kato gets an e-mail for the Green Hornet to kill Britt, Britt puts together that the DA & Bloodnofsky are in it together and the DA is the one who killed James Reid & Kato saves Britt. The two get the DA on a USB flash drive spilling the beans on what he wants and the connection, the two get to The Daily Sentinel, cleave the Black Beauty in half, find out that the USB flash drive is about as empty as Britt’s head, The Green Hornet gets Kato’s Fighting sense which was established at their first battle together, kill Bloodnofsky & the DA, Kato & Cameron Diaz help keep Britt’s secret as the Green Hornet a secret from everyone by having Kato shoot a blank into an already wounded Britt Reid, the two fix James Reid’s statue and that’s it. That is how THE worst Comic Book adaptation ends, not with a bang, a whimper or a shrug. (Al Hirt’s Green Hornet plays over clips as James does voice over summation.) At least with “Batman & Robin”, "Superman III", "Supergirl"&"Superman IV The Quest For Peace" you know you’re going into a bad movie but after watching The Green Hornet you’ll understand how enjoyable these movies are. (Scene cuts back to James in his cubicle) At times like this, I wonder what someone with talent would’ve done with this, like I don’t know maybe Kevin Smith of “Clerks” & “Dogma” fame. (Karen with an audio cut off from James says hey then cuts to Karen)

Karen: Kevin Smith of “Clerks” & “Dogma” is on line 2. (Cut back to James with a surprised look on his face.)

TLOTA: Ask & ye shall receive. (Connects to line 2) Hello Mr. Smith, I’m James Faraci, I’m a big fan of yours and (silence for five seconds) really, Harley discovered my reviews, found out I’m doing a review of “The Green Hornet” wait what? (Silence for five seconds) You were going to direct “The Green Hornet” as a follow up to the series starring Van Williams & in which The Green Hornet dies and Kato trains both Britt Reid Jr. to follow in his dad’s footsteps and Kato’s Daughter would be the next Kato & your choices for them was Jake Gyllenhall & Zhang Ziyi? Why didn’t you do it? (Silence for five seconds) It wasn’t worth your artistic vision and soul. (Silence for five seconds) Okay, thanks, have a nice day. (Hangs up the phone and looks at the notes as Harvey Levin walks by James’s Cubicle)

Harvey Levin: What you got there, James. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Hmm? Oh hey, got off the phone with one of the greatest directors who never won an Academy Award, Kevin Smith & how not doing the Green Hornet saved his creative soul. (Cut to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: Mind if I run this by the next story get together? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, but on one condition, you have to be honest about the story ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! (Cut to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: Okay.

(Scene cuts to TMZ Logo and TMZ announcer shouts)

TMZ announcer: NEXT TMZ! KEVIN SMITH TELLS SETH ROGEN HOW HE RUINED HIS GREEN HORNET MOVIE, SETH GOT STUNG BY SILENT BOB!

(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay after Blubber boy Kevin Smith talked to Seth Rogen on Zack & Miri about the Green Hornet, Seth Rogen gets the Green Hornet and butt hurts it but what was Kevin Smith going to do put Jay & Silent Bob in it? What a hack! (Everyone begins laughing as James begins to get angry and slams his fist into a wall making a gigantic crater as James shakes off the Drywall dust from his hand as camera cut to James)

TLOTA: I apologize for the hole in the wall but Kevin Smith is NOT a hack! He walked away from “The Green Hornet” because he thought it was a bad idea and unknowingly saved himself his artistic vision & his soul.(Al Hirt’s Green Hornet plays over clips as James does voice over) Because under Seth Rogen's vision "The Green Hornet" got stung and it's not hard to see why. The heroes are lame, The Plot is Swiss Cheese & outside of Cameron Diaz, Edward James Olmos & Christoph Waltz there is not one good performance in what is without argument THE worst Comic Book adaptation of a movie EVER! (Scene cuts back to James at the TMZ Bullpen) Besides Kevin Smith is one of the best directors to have never won an academy award. He made what I think are the best “Slice Of Life” movies with movies like “Clerks”, “Mallrats”, “Chasing Amy”, “Clerks II”, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and one of my favorite movies “Dogma” and I loved the moment the characters played by Ben Affleck & Matt Damon are basically telling the board members their sins they’ve done in their personal life and I’d like to recreate that moment right now & right here starting off with you there Barbara (Camera zooms to Barbara as James does a voice over while walking towards her and the camera) you said that your niece’s grandchildren were going to wind up on welfare because her son is a loser. Well, Barb, that guy cleaned up his act, is now working as a contractor and is an aware and loving parent with their mom in the picture as well so how wrong were you and by the by, those grandchildren of your niece’s is doing really well in school! C.J. (Camera zooms to C.J. as James does a voice over while walking towards him and the camera) you got your niece’s friend pregnant and although you did the right thing your wife was so unfaithful you left her and again the right thing but you lost the house your mom left you because you refused to pay the county. (Camera zooms over to Kim & Kit) KIT! You disowned your sister because you thought she did the wrong thing to help take care of your mother who died in 2009 from Dementia & Alzheimer’s even though neither you nor your sister had the capacity to take care of her professionally like they could at a professional home. A very compassionate bitch, you are KIT! KIMMY! Married a redneck jackass who beat not only you and your three children, he left you, you married a firefighter but got hooked on making Crystal Meth and you’re now facing jail time! Op! The surfer dude over there who we don’t know who he is but looks like Chord Overstreet flew to Bangkok on the company account to make sweet love to an eleven year old BOY! Ralph, went to Staples, saw his niece there, and gave her the sideways stink-eye glance because SURVEY SAYS! You were being a douche and still remain one today. However you Karen, are an innocent, you live a good life (James gives Karen the Thumbs Up) you rock Karen. But you Harvey commit more sins in one micro-second then every prostitute on the whole planet do in a day. If I were to say any one of them out loud, it’d only expedite my one way ticket to hell. (Whispers into Harvey’s ear as his eyes expand then Harvey begins to cry) Someone else is claiming to be the father, YOU SICK FUCK! Well, I guess that’s it and with the exception of Karen here, there is not a damned soul to be saved here, NOT A GOD DAMNED ONE! You know what makes a soul good? Fear, therein lies the problem, you don’t fear a thing, you rest comfortably in seats of power hiding behind your symbol which is your idol, your lives shrouded in secret even from yourselves but not from God. Oops, forgot something, a voodoo doll that is carved from an onion which I so happen to have and you know it sort of looks like you Harvey and you know, if I focused all my energy into this, I wonder… I wonder (James begins to do a low hum which gets lower & louder with each passing second until he yells and Harvey ducks! A cell phone ringing “Go Go Power Rangers” by Ron Wasserman plays) my cell phone, one moment. Hello. (Scene cuts to The Rowdy Reviewer in a Hammock)

Rowdy: I got a hold of my cats, Jeannie is available for the next five minutes, you just about done? (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: Just about, I’ll see you soon. (Scene cuts to Rowdy)

Rowdy: Excellent, Stay Rowdy my friend. (Scene cuts to James as he puts the Cellphone into his pocket as Harvey asks who that was as James turns to head down the hall)

TLOTA: That was a friend of mine who has equal disdain to your existence. He believes you guys are the lowest form of journalism and he should know his degree is in journalism. Excuse me. (James walks down the hall to his cubicle as Harvey and everyone else look around at each other as James walks back the camera zooms to James) BUT I DO BELIEVE IN THIS! (James pulls out Chudnofsky’s double barreled Handgun as the Camera begins to run away from James as James pulls the trigger and James shouts off screen “Don’t Run! Don’t Run! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! OH & YOU…” while people scream in fear and gunshots are flying. Scene cuts to Rowdy on his Hammock overhearing James shout “Kim Kardashian! Who gives a flying…!”)

Rowdy: “I do believe in this!” What the frack does that mean? (Rowdy takes a sip from his coconut as James shoots some more and shouts “AND ONE TO GROW ON!” as the scene cuts to the TMZ logo covered in blood and Harvey Levin’s head comes off and falls off the TMZ Logo.  Scene cuts to James picking up Karen and then cuts to James reaching into his pocket)

TLOTA: Gum? (Scene cuts to Karen cautiously taking the gum then back to James) Go on take it. You’ve done nothing wrong, the rest of these assholes, they’re all fakes and you’re a good soul so much so if you’re ever in Sullivan County area of New York, looking for a job in journalism you can’t go wrong with The Townsman, I know the people who run the publication, you’ve got a shoe-in recommendation, however I might not because of one little thing you did. (Scene cuts to Karen looking nervous as the scene cuts back to James) if you need to know, you forgot to say god bless you when I sneezed! (James pulls out the double barreled handgun, scene cuts to Karen screaming in fear as scene cuts back to James hearing from Rowdy shout out James! From James’ cell phone) you’re getting off light! (Rowdy shouts James! Again from James’ cell phone) I know, I’m going! (Mutters Jesus what a way to end a review then shouts quickly in anger) I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS & THAT’S MY OPINION! (James walks off camera as Karen looks around and sees him in the distance as he shouts “Your ass is so fucking lucky!”)