Saturday, August 31, 2013

"Death" of a "Hulk"-ing franchise

(Opens with James cleaning up his house while "Accidentally In Love" by Counting Crows plays in the foreground until it is interrupted by a incoming Skype Phone Ring.)

TLOTA: Yo, What up Rowdy?

Rowdy: Nothing much, just wanted to welcome you as a voluntary contributor to rowdyc.com first off.

TLOTA: That's cool.

Rowdy: Secondly WHAT THE FRACK IS GOING ON?!

TLOTA: What are you talking about?

Rowdy: There's a rumor that a mutual friend of yours hooked you up for a weekend with Lea Michele from "GLEE"?

TLOTA: No rumor, all truth. An old associate of mine, Ed if you want to know his name, saw I was in the dumps and was working as a go-for on the show and noticed Lea was in need of some company and my name got mentioned and the fact that I am single we skyped a few times I said "I've got nothing to do on Labor Day weekend except take care of the place while my parents were out." And I asked if she'd like to come over. She said yes and now I've got to clean up.

Rowdy: Does she know...

TLOTA: About what I do on line? Yes and she knows about you so from now on be UBER-Careful when you talk about "GLEE" especially about you know who. You got it?

Rowdy: Okay, just try not to frack this up!

TLOTA: I'll do my best, catch you later, Stay Rowdy dude.

Rowdy: Naturally. (James walks away from the conversation and out the front door to see Nash from Radio Dead Air looking bizarre.)

TLOTA: Nash? What are you doing here?

Nash: Let me have it, I want it, you've got it, let me have it god damn it!

TLOTA: Nash, You're creeping me out dude!

Nash: GIVE IT TO ME! (Repeated 5Xs before James punches his lights out.)

(Cut to James in the Shower humming to himself when from out of the shadows Linkara pops up to scare the bejesus out of James screaming where is it multiple times before James knocks him out too and drags him over to Nash.)

TLOTA: Man things go from weird to crazy in Nano seconds around here who or what's gonna happen next? (Matthew "Film Brain" Buck comes out of nowhere babbling incoherently and James swiftly knocks him out. Cut to Lea Michele just getting  ready to go to James' place when Jane Lynch comes in)

Jane Lynch: Hey Lea, can I ask you something? Are you mad? An Internet reviewer, especially one who calls himself "The Last Of The Americans"?

Lea Michele: First off he's only "The Last Of The Americans" when he's working as an internet reviewer which is part time, the rest of the time, he's James and that's it.

Jane Lynch: Well, it's just that I don't want to see you hurt yourself especially after what recently happened with well, you know.

Lea Michele: Jane, relax, I can take care of myself if something bad happens okay?

Jane Lynch: Okay, I'll see you Tuesday.

Lea Michele: Oh Jane, Thanks.

Jane Lynch: Any time.

(Scene cuts to the afternoon where James and Lea are enjoying a quiet lunch together)

TLOTA: I hope it's to your liking. It's been a while since I cooked for myself and one other person.

Lea Michele: This is fine, What are these again?

TLOTA: Zucchini stuffed zucchinis.

Lea Michele: Interesting, but delicious.

TLOTA: Thanks. (James smiles with a bit of concern and nervousness.)

Lea Michele: Are you okay?

TLOTA: Actually, no. Before you came over three of my fellow internet reviewers were insistent that I had something they wanted which I have the following knowledge of Jack & Squat and Jack left town years ago. However I've been thinking between their history together they have reviewed the "Justice League Of America" Pilot that went nowhere, The 2011 Wonder Woman pilot that never finished and was dropped like a hot potato and then they reviewed two of the three Incredible Hulk movies based on the show which was loosely adapted from the comic book in which they changed Bruce Banner to David Banner and instead of him getting blasted by a bomb he blasts himself a concentrated dose of gamma radiation and I just figured it out. You'll have to help me out on this.

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(Scene cuts to Nash, Linkara and Film Brain knocked out onto one another when a splash of water wakes the three up)

Lea Michele: Wake up time! (The three look around until they see Lea Michele with a bucket in her hands and the three scream in fear)

Film Brain: I'm sorry for talking trash about "New Years Eve" but it was horrendous.

Nash: & I am so humbly apologizing for saying smack about your ex.

Linkara: And I am Never EVER going to review the "GLEE"/Archie crossover, just don't do anything horrible to us!

Lea Michele: What are you three talking about?

TLOTA: They're nervous because of an incident between Mara Wilson of Mrs. Doubtfire fame and the Nostalgia Critic and they don't want to suffer the same wrath and I know why you three stooges are here. (James pulls out DVD of "The Death Of The Incredible Hulk) Hold it there. The only way you get this is if I help you review it.

Lea Michele: I want in on the review too.

Nash, Linkara & Film Brain: Fine.

TLOTA: But if we're going to do this, let's act like civilized people about it and introduce ourselves.

Nash, Linkara & Film Brain: Okay.

Nash: Hello everyone I'm Nash of Radio Dead Air where we tune in turn on and drop dead.

Linkara: I'm Lewis "Linkara" Lovhaug of Atop The Fourth Wall where bad comics burn.

Film Brain: I'm Matthew Buck of Bad Movie Beatdown.

Lea Michele: I'm Lea Michele from "Glee"

TLOTA: And I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views we're about to express are that of our own and some of yours. Film Brain give us a bit of what we're in for. (Remix of Lonely Man Plays as Film Brain talks)

Film Brain: This is "The Death Of The Incredible Hulk" the final made for TV Movie based on the 1970's tv series and while I think there are some loose connections to the last film they're not as obvious but unlike the others this wasn't a backdoor pilot to another series.

Nash: Something tells me the fans got to a network executive and threatened to kill him if another Incredible Hulk movie was made that was as flimsy to serve as a backdoor pilot and we didn't get to see more of the Hulk.

Linkara: And thank god they did somethings right.

TLOTA: No Disagreements here. So let's dive into "The Death Of The Incredible Hulk". We start off at a Science Facility in the Pacific Northwest where we see David passing himself off as a simple minded janitor.

David's Superior: Now David, I told you not to take so much time trying to make things perfect.

David: There was a spot.

David's Superior: We all want you to keep this job David but you've got to listen.

TLOTA: Man this guy reminds me of someone I know. (James looks at a Photo of his father looking down on everyone with a frown on his face while the Imperial March from Star Wars plays) Nah too coincidental.

Nash: Later on David is cashing his paycheck when a group of thugs corner him and take his big amount of green.

Film Brain: Speaking of Big and Green Here's Lou Ferrigno . (Hulk drops power line with Nash doing a voice over bit saying Hulk pissed that Time Warner Cable causing Hulk to miss out on new "Two and a Half Men" episodes due to CBS Blackout then the Hulk throws two of the three thugs onto trash bins which makes Lea Michele laugh out loud.)

TLOTA: What's so funny?

Lea Michele: If that was "The Incredible Hulk" He would've slammed all three of them into the trash bins like he would have if he was throwing a basketball from the back of the Basketball court for three points. (The others nod in agreement as to how Lea Michele was right. Then cuts to The Hulk being cornered by the cops when he smashes through the wall then through the kitchen/dining area, then living room which makes Lea Michele laugh even harder.)

Linkara: There is no way you thought it was funny.

Lea Michele: I did. The Monday after the incident David is about to call it a day when he decides to step into a lab ran by a Dr.Pratt and help him in private with his research on Genetic research in hopes of ridding himself of the Hulk. Meanwhile we see a couple playing Racquetball.

Nash: Why do I feel we're about to deal with ANOTHER gamma transponder?

TLOTA: Actually you're wrong this is Jasmine she's working as a spy for some rather unsavory folks.

Lea Michele: Who are they? Why none other than Soviet spies headed by the One armed man from "The Fugitive" starring Harrison Ford & Tommy Lee Jones.

Film Brain: Actually Lea you're not far off, this is Andreas Katsulas playing a spy named Kasha and he's only second in command his superior is named Ashenko. Apparently Ashenko wants Jasmine to infiltrate the Science Facility and grab Dr. Pratt's research and if she doesn't her sister Bella is going to die. But not to worry Edward will inject her with his stupid vampire venom to turn her from a human to a vampire if Jasmine can't save her.

TLOTA: You had to throw in a "Twilight" reference didn't you.

Film Brain: It was an easy set up.

Linkara: Meanwhile Dr. Pratt talks to his wife about his research and is wondering who in the cover of dark, in the middle of the night is helping him with his research.

Dr. Pratt: It's A Mystery. It's the middle of the night. Somebody walks through a High security facility without being noticed, moves though time-locked doors, enters my lab, enters my computer and my formulas and changes them, but this somebody is helping me Amy.

Amy: Got it, Ronnie, It's a ghost!

Nash: A ghost? A Ghost?! Can I have my hammer? (James tosses Nash his Rubber Mallet and conks Film Brain, Linkara and himself to the NBC tones and gives himself one more for good measure.)

TLOTA: I Know it's kind of early but Lea, let's take a break. Let those three regain consciousness and we'll grab a bite to eat.

Lea Michele: Okay.

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

Nash: A few nights later David is helping Dr. Pratt in secret but when he gets to a certain point in his helping.

Computer: Who are you? (Computer repeats that line until David types I don't exist and the computer responds.)

Linkara: Meanwhile Jasmine meets up with a security guard, nabs one of his prints and makes a hasty exit with the guard she just sat and drank with and he didn't know it was the same girl with a different hair style.

Nash: Well to be fair it's hard to be a good security officer and not have good detective skills

Film Brain: We then see Dr. Pratt watching and waiting for his "Ghost" Partner when David comes in and works on the research. Gee could Dr. Pratt be that stupid that David needs to hold a neon light over him saying it's me this whole friggin' time!

Dr. Pratt: You! Who are you?

David: A Friend.

Dr. Pratt: Why do you come here in this way?

David: I have no choice.

Lea Michele: Dr. Pratt threatens to call security if David doesn't spill on who he is and for the love of Peat Moss just tell him who you are

David: Banner! My name is...

Dr. Pratt: Banner. Of Course! Dr. David Banner, Princeton, Stanford. Amy was right it's a ghost.

Nash: David tells Dr. Pratt why he has been on the lamb for so long.

David: I experimented on myself and, uh...

Dr. Pratt: And now you have that strength.

David: Now I have a mutation near the rage center of my brain and during moments of anger or fear it secretes a hormone and I become a mutant thing, a beast until that rage ends.

TLOTA: Having heard David's story Dr. Pratt decides to help David but in order to help him fully Dr. Pratt has to see the Hulk. So we get a montage of events lead up to when Dr. Pratt is capable of letting the Hulk out of David and putting him in a force field. Then we get the moment Dr. Pratt has been waiting for.

(David holds on to a shock stick for a split second then lets go.)

Dr. Pratt: David, Don't resist!

Linkara: That's right allow the Hulk to come out summon and then become one of the Borg, Resistance is Futile! (David holds on to the shock stick until the Hulk comes out and pulls shock stick out of the holding spot and punches  on to the force field.)

Dr. Pratt. Now Amy. NOW! (Amy presses button to inject the Hulk with tranquilizers. Nash does a voice over saying "Hulk go night night!")

Linkara: After David recovers himself he, Dr. Pratt and Amy looks at the footage of the Hulk.

Amy: I still say it's human David. It's a part of you.

David: Is it?

TLOTA: That's a good question Is The Incredible Hulk human? And the answer is YES IT IS HUMAN BECAUSE YOU'RE(Slams fist and a sign saying it's the final film) KILLING HIM OF IN THIS THE FINAL FILM!

Lea Michele: Yikes James. Take it down a few notches we don't need to see you get angry, I don't think any of us would like to see you angry. The next day Dr. Pratt gets hot around the collar himself when a high government muckity muck says his research could lead to super soldiers like Captain America which is the opposite of what his research stands for and proceeds to chew them both out.

Dr. Pratt: The Perfect soldier is a man who sits around dreaming of coming home who writes his girlfriend because he has nothing more to do because there's no more war! Because we've healed the species, healed it of hatred and disease and greed. The perfect soldier hangs up a sign and goes fishing because he's out of work! That's your perfect soldier!

TLOTA: DAMN! Just... Just DAMN! He has the Biggest set of stones I've seen on a man.

Nash: While you go on how you wish you could be him. Dr. Pratt tells David that the Hulk goes down tomorrow night. That is unless Jasmine comes in and soils the bed. (Jasmine comes in dressed as the female security officer and the experiment goes south and all of them face palm themselves one at a time.)

Linkara: The following night Dr. Pratt is comatose and the government suspects David is with the spies to take down the government. Meanwhile Jasmine tells Kasha what had happened and commands his lackey to torture Jasmine. But thankfully Jasmine remembers that David was in the chair and David makes a run for it until he turns green and...

TLOTA: Nope!

Linkara: What do you mean "Nope"?

TLOTA: I mean "Nope" as in A) He doesn't become the Hulk even though he's cornered by Soviet Spies and has no time to do so & B) Jasmine's partners turn on Jasmine and David help Jasmine without Hulking out. and Jasmine's holder tells Jasmine that her sister Bella is Ashenko and that Bella is in charge and dies right then & there.

David: He's gone.

Nash: Thank you Captain Obvious!

David: You're bleeding a lot.

Film Brain: No duh! Thanks for the News report Tom Brokaw!

Jasmine: Who do you work for?

David: I'm a doctor, I work for myself. I'll bill you later (Cuts to the five some doing an air rim shot!)

Film Brain: David takes Jasmine to a cabin in the woods above the facility that she used to research the job. The next morning David decides to turn himself in and not tell the authorities about Jasmine even though she's an enemy spy on American soil.

TLOTA: Actually after what has happened towards Jasmine I think her loyalties aren't towards the sickle and the mallet. In fact she gets him in without having to go to the authorities and they successfully sneak in, help Dr. Pratt come out of his coma and get out as fast as humanly possible that is until Jasmine's former associates successfully bring out the Hulk and causes hundreds of dollars of damages to a pair of bulldozers. Meanwhile Dr. Pratt and his wife are kidnapped by the soviets and David & Jasmine have to stay long enough to find and make sure the Pratts are safe and not in Soviet hands.

Linkara: So how do they accomplish it, by going to a car lot. Not sure how this makes sense.

David (Sporting a British accent): I beg your pardon, are you a salesman? I am dead set on driving one of these home today. Now which is the top of the line?

Film Brain: It's official I'm insulted by a guy who can become a Broccoli colored quarterback!

Nash: While David continues to insult the united kingdom he takes the salesman who is in fact a soviet spy out for a joyride that made Jeff Gordon's test drive for Pepsi look like a leisurely trip on the back roads of Hazzard County when David picks up...

David (Still Sporting a British accent): Oh, the wife, get in darling!

Lea Michele: Oh Hai Joan Collins!

Nash: Uh No! It's Jasmine

Jasmine(Sounding 99.ad infinitum percent close to Joan Collins): Now where shall we go! (Cut to James, Linkara, Film Brain & Nash with their jaws scrapping the floor.)

Lea Michele: Surprised? Not as much as he is going to be.

Jasmine(Normal): Hello Brenn, tell us where the doctor is or die.

Linkara: After getting the information they needed Jasmine and David stuff him in the trunk and turn him into the authorities which leads to the climactic showdown. Jasmine and David have the police come out in force to take everyone down while David tries to rescue Dr. Pratt and his wife. (Police come out of every car and James dubs in the Hut Hut from the Blues Brothers finale when the officers and all armed forces are storming the building.)

Goon: POLICE OUT THERE! POLICE!

TLOTA: Bella orders Kasha to get Doctor Pratt and Amy but due to an misdirection Kasha thinks they've escaped and Bella kills Kasha. Meanwhile Kasha's goon who knows how to fly a plane tries to use the plane to kill Jasmine and (Jasmine looking like she's just moving her arms which makes Lea Michele laugh out loud again) WHAT IS SO FUNNY?!

Lea Michele: Could she try any less to look like she's running she could just keep her arms down and tell everyone she's on the back of a truck with a camera strapped to it.

Nash: Well despite that David risks his life for her becomes the Hulk and hangs on for dear freaking life onto the side of a plane (Hulk hanging on to the plane and Nash says WHEE! like the Hulk) after that the hulk then gets on board and then...

Goon: NO! THE FUEL! (Hulk aims the gun down and the plane explodes! The scene cuts to James, Lea Michele, Film Brain, Linkara and Nash looking on in shock as The Incredible Hulk plummets to his death and the rest of the scenes play out)

Jasmine: David don't! Don't Die! We could be free now!

David: Jasmine, I am free! (David dies and Lonely Man plays as everything pulls back to see Executive Producer: Bill Bixby credit)

Linkara: The Incredible Hulk is dead! The Incredible Hulk is dead?! HOW?! HOW DID IT HAPPEN?!

TLOTA: Not a friggin' clue! Final thoughts? (Everyone shrug their shoulders in confusion as the remix of Lonely man plays again)

Film Brain: The Death Of The Incredible Hulk somehow found middle ground from the previous two couldn't find and yet somehow the flaws from the previous two are more amplified unlike the Incredible Hulk Returns and The Trial of The Incredible Hulk there is more Hulk action but the plot suffers heavily from it.

Linkara: Especially when it comes to how they killed off the Hulk. If you missed any of the conversations about the Hulk and how they were going to kill him off you'd think they were setting up for another one.

TLOTA: Well they were but due to Bill Bixby's declining health and ultimately his death that movie was scrapped at the last second. But what we were given I really did like this and the other two equally.

Nash: I can't disagree with you because quite honestly the acting is okay especially with Bill Bixby doing better behind the camera this time around. The story doesn't feel as haphazardly done and all around things could have been far worse.

Lea Michele: Are we done?

Everyone else: Yep.

Lea Michele: Good now, Linkara, Nash, Matthew I've got something to tell you. GET OUT NOW!

Nash, Linkara, Film Brain: Huh? (Lea Michele spin changes to Wonder Woman and James is shocked)

TLOTA: Holy M. Night Shyamalan twist Batman! (Scene changes to the front door as the whole place is rocking eventually leading to Nash being thrown out onto his ass followed by Linkara then Film Brain by Lea Michele as Wonder Woman at the front door)

Lea Michele: AND DON'T EVER LET ME SEE YOU NEAR HERE AGAIN OR I'M GOING TO TIE YOUR PRIVATES TOGETHER IN A SQUARE KNOT! GOT IT! (Slams door as the three get up.)

Film Brain: Well now what?

Linkara: Go to a convention somewhere near here.

Nash: Sounds good to me. (The three walk off as Lea grabs James by the waist back inside)

Lea Michele: Hey James let's have some fun!

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the fun I'm about to have is AWESOME!

(End Credit scenes with the words "The Death Of The Incredible Hulk: A review.  Presented by James Faraci, Nash Bozard, Lewis Lovhaug, Matthew Buck & Lea Michele. Camera work by Hope Chapman. A Radio Dead Air Production with the words under the Radio Dead Air Logo Tune In Turn On Drop Dead underneath and the Channel Awesome mark one logo shows while animated 1980's Incredible Hulk cartoon theme plays. Then a blooper where Lea Michele nearly exposes more than she should've in the Wonder Woman top and James turns away saying I saw nothing, I saw Nothing just like Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes and everyone laughs)