Saturday, July 13, 2013

Un "Mask"ing a bad sequel

(Opens with James stepping out of his room doing the dance Justin Hammer did in Iron Man 2 to "Pick Up The Pieces" by Average White Band as an interdimentional portal opens up and something hits James on the head.)

TLOTA: OW! What hit me? (Picks up object that hit James on the head.) Hmmm What's the...? "Son Of The Mask"?  Why do I have this foreboding feeling of fear as I hold this? Better let ORAC check it out. ORAC scan this for any information I need before I watch this. (ORAC Hums and beeps)

ORAC: According to information mainstream reviewers have negatively reviewed this. Recent Online reviews have backed this claim up.

TLOTA: Who of my internet brethren reviewed this?

ORAC: Mike J, The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster. I suggest precautions of getting bottles of Liquid I.Q. on stand by.

TLOTA: A Good idea ORAC. This one might hurt. (James closes door then a loud bloodcurdling scream is heard!)

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(James' hand is shaking as he pulls himself up to grab an open bottle of Liquid I.Q. to which he gulps down in .000005 seconds and gasps and breathes heavily then proceeds to take a deep breath)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and Hands down, No questions about it, a LOT of yours. Well, there's no Tiptoeing Through The Tulips on this one. "Son Of The Mask". Considered one of the worst family films of all time and for good reason. This takes everything that the first movie did and flushed it down the biggest toilets ever and of course let's take a little history behind the first movie so we know what kind of mess we're going to be in. The first movie was based on the Dark Horse Comic Book which was about a meek and milquetoast bank worker named Stanley Ipkiss who finds a mystical mask which unleashes his inhibitions. New Line Cinema purchased the rights to the Comic book and toned down the original content so that the movie starring Jim Carrey could be enjoyed by a wider audience and it was one of three films that came out that year to feature Carrey and was one of the big hits of that he had that year along with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective & Dumb & Dumber. The Mask also marked the debut of Cameron Diaz and since it was a huge hit a sequel was inevitable. But through countless delays and rewrites only one person came back to reprise his role. So they went into the direction it went in, straight down that toilet I said earlier. Don't believe me, well, if I have to suffer through this, I'M TAKING ALL OF YOU WITH ME! PLAY IT ORAC!   So we start off in Edge City where the first one took place it's there we see the only person who came back Ben Stein as Dr. Neuman who is showing off an exhibit on Norse Mythology. He eventually gets to the mythos of Loki and his mask and how Odin banished Loki for his crimes against humanity and buried way deep in the earth!

Loki: HE DID NOT! (James jumps out of his chair scared screaming Jesus Christ! and goes through the roof!)

TLOTA: Yes folks you're seeing correctly, Alan Cummings as Loki and I don't want to hear any comparisons between him and Tom Hiddleston's performance in both "THOR" or "The Avengers" because it was a totally different version of Loki altogether!

ORAC: Alert! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: Patch whoever it is through. (Static clears up to reveal Mike J from shameless sequels)

Mike J: I say there chap, stop this right now! I must insist.

TLOTA: Mike J from Shameless Sequels?

Mike J: That's right and I am a British Person and there is no need for you to review it, I have done so and gave it a sound thrashing.

TLOTA: Okay Mike, it landed on me, literally, and now I have to review it.

Mike J:  You damned soul!

TLOTA: No disagreement here, but as you would say PISS OFF!

Mike J: Very well then(walks off and mutters Wanker).

TLOTA: Loki has come for the mask when he discovers that it's a fake and then...(Loki magically removes Dr. Neuman's face.) Yes, you saw it as much as I did. One of many moments that will have you saying to yourself "What The Fuck Did I Just See?" and we eventually find the mask 270 miles southwest of Edge City in Fringe City which looks exactly like Edge City. Why not keep it in Edge City? Oh Well, we've got our new owners of the Mask to deal with Tim, played by Jamie "Warning Sign Number One this movie is going to be bad" Kennedy and Tonya played by Traylor "I Thank my lucky stars the Producers of "Monk" didn't watch this movie" Howard. They're meeting with some of Tonya's relatives who are wondering when Tim & Tonya are going to have their own bundle of joy which leads to another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment" as Tim has a fantasy of his wife giving birth to Multiple Children and thanks to the ever annoying wide angle lens it's disturbing factor is multiplied a hundred billion fold. But as the two disagree about whether or not to have kids we see that the dog has found the mask and (Zooming Segway to Valhalla)

Odin: LOOOOOOOOKIIIIIIIIIIIII (James jumps out of his chair scared screaming Jesus Christ Not Again! and goes through the roof again!)

TLOTA: Yes that is Bob "I'll always be remembered for the movies I made from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" to "Hook" Hoskins as The Norse All father Odin. Who has tried to keep Loki on task to find the mask. Meanwhile we find out Tim works at an Animation Studio run by Steven Wright as part of the tour when he wants to work for the studio as an cartoon creator. Wait a second! Steven Wright?! He's about as energetic to run an Animation Studio as much as TMZ is fit to be considered real journalism! You know what, Screw it I'm going off on a tangent. FUCK TMZ! I SWEAR TMZ IS SATAN'S HORSE'S ASSHOLE, EVERYTIME YOU WATCH IT SATAN FUCKING RAPES A LEGENDARY NEWSREPORTER! THEY ARE NOT REAL NEWS AND YOUNG JOURNALISTIC MAJORS WHO KNOW THAT WATCH THIS TO LAUGH AT THE SHEER STUPIDITY THAT COME OUT OF THESE FUCKNUTS! NOBODY WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS GIVES A FUCK ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN OR ANY OF THE CELEBRITIES THEY COVER! FUCK TMZ! Sorry not a fan of the show. But an ass kisser seems to block him at any and every point. But at the Halloween party Tim takes the mask and one sanity tormenting moment later we get another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment" as Tim who now looks like a mix between Conan O'Brian and Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters gives us the worst musical montage ever after that The Mutant Archie goes home and ("OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I FOUND YOU!" song from ending of "Young Frankenstein" plays) THAT! The next morning the boss of Studio likes what Tim did despite what normal people would think of as torture as equal as what happened at Guantanamo Bay and gives him a chance to turn what he did into a cartoon and by plot convenience Tonya is Pregnant and the Side effects of such actions include THE weirdest Pregnancy cravings and the most disturbing pregnancy since Bella's in The Twilight Saga and of course the big day comes when we see the little spawn and naturally as anyone with REAL common sense would when the discovered Jamie Kennedy is their dad the baby cries and (Zooming cutaway to baby's crying  mouth) TIME OUT! (Ratcheting sound effects as James bolts himself down into his seat) Okay Odin TIME IN! (Zooming cutaway to Odin's good eye)

Odin: LOOOOOKIIIIIIII! THERE HAS BEEN A CHILD BORN OF THE MASK!

TLOTA: HA! I heard you coming a mile away Odin!

ORAC: ALERT! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: Patch whoever it is through while I get these shackles off. (Static breaks to find The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! THERE'S STILL TIME!

TLOTA: Nostalgia Critic?

Nostalgia Critic: This movie is the most horrific thing on the planet! "Son Of The Mask" was forged by the Dark Lord himself.

TLOTA: The Hollywood exec who keeps giving Shia LaBeouf a chance to be on the Big Screen?

Nostalgia Critic: NO! SATAN!

TLOTA: Oh Shia LaBeouf's dad! Anyway I am going to finish this review and I am getting through this

Nostalgia Critic: You're insane! INSANE!

TLOTA: GET OUTTA HERE!

Nostalgia Critic: Your Funeral!

TLOTA: I hope this is the last interruption until after the commercial break. Which won't be for a while. So while Odin tells Loki about the baby. The baby discovers his powers a few months after his birth and...(Baby Alvey blows his head up like a balloon) This has been another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment" anyhow that helps set into motion a subplot about the dog wanting to kill the baby. Meanwhile Loki goes to the hospital as a mix between Ectoplasm and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee and finds a list of people who gave birth along with Tim & Tonya. Meanwhile Tonya has to go away for the week to deal with her job and Alvey is now stuck with Jamie Kennedy. I'm going to go ahead and call Child Services especially after this! (The Baby sings Hello My Baby, Hello my honey, Hello my ragtime gal from Michigan J. Frog's cartoon and in the middle of this James has the most confused look on his face and as the song ends James stands up)

TLOTA: CHECK PLEASE! (The baby goes into super crazy mode bouncing all around giving James a case of whiplash until the footage has a gigantic TILT sign over it and the movie falls apart, literally and James Falls down.) ORAC! Ready another bottle of Liquid I.Q. and The Commercial break! (ORAC Sighs)

ORAC: It's going to be one of those times...
(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(James Chugging down another bottle of Liquid I.Q. and gasps for air as he regains his structure.)

TLOTA: I'm fine everyone, nothing to worry about That was another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment". So after that Loki goes from house to house disguising himself until...

Loki(Disguised as a Girl Scout): Would you like some Thin Chocolates? (James has disturbed look on his face at the image of Loki dressed as a girl scout.)

TLOTA: ORAC?! Ready another case of this! (James pulls a bottle of Liquid I.Q. and opens it and guzzles it down.)

ORAC: Consider it done. ALERT! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: Put whoever it is through. (Static breaking through to see The Blockbuster Buster)

The Blockbuster Buster: GET AWAY! GET AWAY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS AND STAY SANE!

TLOTA: The Blockbuster Buster?

The Blockbuster Buster: No movie is worth getting in league with myself and....(Looks at the copy of "Son Of The Mask") Where did you get that copy of "Son Of The Mask"? And are you reviewing it now?!

TLOTA: To answer your questions this fell out of an interdimentional portal & yes I am reviewing it.

The Blockbuster Buster: Oh no, OOH NO! THAT'S THE COPY I CURSED! SEE YA, I'M GOING TO CHURCH TO PRAY FOR THE REPOSE OF YOUR SOUL!

TLOTA: I'm going to hell in a hand basket & I'm going to be on an eternal tandem boat ride on the River Styx with Hitler and my father!

The Blockbuster Buster: It couldn't hurt your chances to get to heaven. (Blockbuster Buster runs away at warp speed.)

TLOTA: So while the baby continues to drive his father cuckoo for cocoa puffs. The dog plans to kill the baby and since the baby is imbued with the powers of The Mask and The Dog has The Mask the dog's plan goes up in smoke and as many point out the CGI for both the dog & baby is horrendous! After a very terrible Pee joke Loki finally catches up to Tim & The baby and as Loki thinks it's another bust. Tim decides to take the baby to the pediatrician and then to an exorcist. After spewing Ecto-Cooler Loki follows Tim & The baby. Standing up to the Norse god of mischief earns brownie points for the kid and The baby decides to protect his dad and as Loki is about to incinerate the two of them when..

Odin(Possessing Tim): LOOOOKIIIII!  (James jumps out of his chair scared screaming Jesus Christ Not Again! and goes through the roof again! James saying This is not my day after going through the roof) You are here by stripped of your immortal powers and forever banished to the realm of  mortals!

TLOTA: So Odin strips Loki's powers from him and wouldn't you know it's time for Tim to pitch the show which goes about as well as a Stoner who just got baked trying to pass a drug test and is fired. Meanwhile Loki summons Odin in the Baby's room and gets an hour long reprieve and gets his powers back for the hour. After that Loki warps Tim's reality by disguising himself as both the baby and then Tonya. Loki then takes the kid as insurance to get the mask back within the hour just as Tonya actually comes home and still not sure which way is up and which is down Tim gives Tonya a smack down. Eventually discovering that it's really Tonya, Tim tells Tonya about what the flying fuck just happened while Traylor was out auditioning for Monk hoping she'll get the role of Natalie Teeger before "Son Of The Mask" hit the theaters. Eventually The Dog forks over the mask and Tim & Tonya get there and wouldn't you know it in the short amount of time together Loki likes the kid and decides to take him which of course negates the deal and Tim becomes the Mask for the second time. The two get to an arena to fight it out for the kid for a while and then the two realize they're evenly matched so it's up to the baby to choose between the two.

Loki: Come here ya little hell spawn

Tim(In The Mask): Alvey, I'm your real dad!

Darth Vader: No Alvey, I am your father.

TLOTA: What the...? GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE VADER!

Darth Vader: Okay.

ORAC: ALERT! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: This better be worth it patch it through! (Static breaks to see the Rowdy Reviewer)

Rowdy: STOP! GET OUT THERE'S STILL TIME!

TLOTA: ROWDY?!

Rowdy: YOU CAN'T SURVIVE THIS, THIS IS WORSE THEN WHEN LAURINITIS RAN...

TLOTA: Stop right there, I'm nearly done with the review and mention that company in my presence again and I'm going to finish it!

Rowdy: NO! NOT WITH YOUR LIMITED AMOUNT OF LIQUID I.Q. WILL YOU SURVIVE SHASTA McNASTY!

TLOTA: Shasta McNasty? Shasta McNasty?! I'm not reviewing that garbage!

Rowdy: Whew, that's a relief, so what are you reviewing?

TLOTA: Son Of The Mask.

(Rowdy shouts a blood curdling scream as he runs through the walls in his apartment and The Wrestling Mark pops up from the opposite direction of the way Rowdy ran)

The Wrestling Mark: Well, there goes the security deposit.

TLOTA: So the CGI mouth of the baby chooses Tim. Odin comes from Valhalla to bask in Loki's failure but to his surprise Tim stands up to him hands Loki the mask to hand to Odin and Both Loki and Odin return to Valhalla. Tim proposes his idea of having a baby and a dog vying for a dad's attention and the movie comes mercifully to an end. THANK YOU WHOEVER CARES ABOUT  ME! THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORSE! Taking away the fact it's the second worse Carrey-less sequel everything about this was dark and demented and far removed from what made the first film a success and for my money the only good Carrey-less sequel is Evan Almighty which is not saying much and there is only one way to enjoy this. HULK! (Incredible Hulk does his turning pose from "The Avengers, James hold out the copy of Son Of The Mask) SMASH! (Hulk smiles, Takes copy of Son Of The Mask and Pwns it like he did to Loki in Marvel's The Avengers and Hulk says "Puny God" after leaving the shattered remains of "Son Of The Mask") THAT WAY! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & that's my opinion!